The Goods, The Bads, and the Only (? about pros/cons of being an only child)

[GoVanGogh]

I was thinking more on this after I posted earlier.

 

I am amazed at how many "non-only only" friends my son has. By that I mean -- friends that aren't technically only children, but are tag-along children and/or the single boy in a family of girls.

Many of the negatives that are mentioned for only children could certainly be said for those children as well. A lone boy in a family of girls may not have a sibling to bond with and to grow up being friends with, nor is a child that is 10-14 years younger than their siblings.

One could say that only children are spoiled - but one could also say that about the 'baby' (tag-along) of the family or the only girl in a family of boys. Just because those are common sayings/perceptions does not mean it is true, by any means.

Two of my best friends in school were only children. I knew they were only children, obviously, but never thought much about them being only children until I had my own only child. I loved being at my friends' homes growing up because their houses were quiet! I was one of six children, so our house was loud all the time. I knew my friends had more clothes than I did, but I was only jealous because they didn't have to wear hand-me-downs. Today I realize only children can and do get hand-me-downs, but that was a huge deal to me as a child.

 

One thing I observed in particular is how more mature the onlies tend to be because they circle around adults as much as they circle around children, and there is typically no "child culture" element in the family when you have an only child.

That is the most common thing people tend to say about our only child. He can be extremely mature for his age. (Though at other times, he very much acts his age. :tongue_smilie:) He has grown up in adult/mature settings - going to art galleries at a young age, going to formal restaurants, going to meetings, etc. People do tend to notice his maturity - and comment on it. I do think it will help him transition to adulthood.

[I talk to the trees]

:iagree: We do not have an only by choice.

 

Maybe it is me, but to my eyes this thread is starting to sound quite condescending to parents of only children.

 

Thank you for pointing this out, Chucki. I agree 100%!

[Joules]

DH and I have commented a number of times about how friends of ours who come from big families tend to have only one or two children themselves, while those who are onlies, or have just one sibling, are the ones who have the larger families. I'm an only and DH has one brother, and we'd both have more children if we were younger. It's almost as if we instinctively try to establish some equilibrium in our lives.

 

 

I wonder if some people see what was wrong with their childhood (lonely or noisy) and seek to provide better for their children. Maybe people don't think as much about what was good about their childhood? I don't know.

 

In my case, it wasn't a choice, but we are content with where we are now.

[Parrothead]

I know two families with only one child. There is a lot of stress in these families! They both feel guility for only having one child (as if the child is missing out of something) and the kids are spoiled (in a bad way). One child has every toy and tech device that is out there. The biggest problem is the family can't afford this lifestyle and it has caused extreme problems in the marriage. The child controls the family and his behavior is horrible when they are around other people (he knows how to work his parents). The kids behavior (when the parents are around) is painful for all around and causes me a ton of stress, so much, that I have had to tell my child that he isn't allowed to be around him. When the parents are not around, this kid is an angel! It is unbelievable the difference in this kid once the parents are gone. This could easily be avoided with good parenting skills.

 

The other family I know is further along (child is going off to college next year). Their life completely evolves around this child and I think the child is going to have a hard time adjusting to college life when they figure out the world does not evolve around them. I worry about how the parents will adjust too.

 

Of course, these are just two examples and it isn't always this way. And these could be avoided with good parenting skills.

So, is the problem with these families bad parenting skills (in which case it would not matter how many children in the family) or the fact they have only one child each?

[Parrothead]

I wonder if some people see what was wrong with their childhood (lonely or noisy) and seek to provide better for their children. Maybe people don't think as much about what was good about their childhood? I don't know.

 

In my case, it wasn't a choice, but we are content with where we are now.

Better or different?

[Parrothead]

Thank you for pointing this out, Chucki. I agree 100%!

Must be National Bash Small Families month. This is the second thread I know of that has gone there willingly or not.

[elegantlion]

I have friends who have only children, one by choice, the other by necessity. I make no judgement on them. I did not enjoy being only, but my situation was not typical in that my father died when I was eight; my family felt broken, desolate, with just my mother and myself.

 

I know not all only children have this experience, and I'm sorry if anyone has felt hurt by any perceived judgement on my part.

 

I'm sorry about the loss of your father. My dh, one of five, lost his father when he was nine. It forever changed him.

[Trresh]

My DH is an only child. It was really hard on him when his parents divorced a few years ago. He would have loved to have a sibling to talk to about it and to share the burden.

 

I foresee the same thing happening when his mom and dad get older and all that goes along with that including funerals.

[astrid]

I was just thinking the same thing.

 

astrid

[Catwoman]

I know two families with only one child. There is a lot of stress in these families! They both feel guility for only having one child (as if the child is missing out of something) and the kids are spoiled (in a bad way). One child has every toy and tech device that is out there. The biggest problem is the family can't afford this lifestyle and it has caused extreme problems in the marriage. The child controls the family and his behavior is horrible when they are around other people (he knows how to work his parents). The kids behavior (when the parents are around) is painful for all around and causes me a ton of stress, so much, that I have had to tell my child that he isn't allowed to be around him. When the parents are not around, this kid is an angel! It is unbelievable the difference in this kid once the parents are gone. This could easily be avoided with good parenting skills.

 

I don't think this is an "only child" situation; I think it's an "incompetent parents with marital issues" situation.

[astrid]

Yeah. Seriously.

But it's easier to pin it on spoiled only children phenomenon. ;)

 

astrid

[GoVanGogh]

My DH is an only child. It was really hard on him when his parents divorced a few years ago. He would have loved to have a sibling to talk to about it and to share the burden.

My husband's parents divorced just a few years ago after 40+ years of marriage. He and his siblings don't talk about it.

My parents divorced 30 years ago after being married a bit more than a decade. I don't talk about it with my siblings.

We all have our own 'take on it' and feelings about the divorces. It was our parents' marriage, not ours.

[*Lulu*]

Yeah. Seriously.

But it's easier to pin it on spoiled only children phenomenon. ;)

 

astrid

 

 

DH is an only and I cannot think of a single thing he has struggled with that was a result of being an only. Now there are PLENTY of things that have tripped him up that were a result of parenting, but I am not an only and I have a list of those as well. :)

[GoVanGogh]

Originally Posted by kandty

I know two families with only one child. There is a lot of stress in these families! They both feel guility for only having one child (as if the child is missing out of something) and the kids are spoiled (in a bad way). One child has every toy and tech device that is out there. The biggest problem is the family can't afford this lifestyle and it has caused extreme problems in the marriage. The child controls the family and his behavior is horrible when they are around other people (he knows how to work his parents). The kids behavior (when the parents are around) is painful for all around and causes me a ton of stress, so much, that I have had to tell my child that he isn't allowed to be around him. When the parents are not around, this kid is an angel! It is unbelievable the difference in this kid once the parents are gone. This could easily be avoided with good parenting skills.

 

I don't think this is an "only child" situation; I think it's an "incompetent parents with marital issues" situation.

:iagree:

I thought she was talking about a family I know then realized - wait! That boy isn't an only child. He is just a regular garden variety spoiled child.:tongue_smilie:

[*Lulu*]

nm.

Edited November 21, 2011 by BLA5
too snarky to be helpful.

[I talk to the trees]

Yeah. Seriously.

But it's easier to pin it on spoiled only children phenomenon. ;)

 

astrid

 

No kidding.:glare: At my earliest convenience, I'll be sure to remind dd that she's supposed to be a selfish, spoiled brat with a complete inability to share. It will come as a complete shock to her, but we wouldn't want her to fail to conform to all those lovely stereotypes, would we?

 

(Can ya' tell that my snark-meter is in the red zone?)

[elegantlion]

No kidding.:glare: At my earliest convenience, I'll be sure to remind dd that she's supposed to be a selfish, spoiled brat with a complete inability to share. It will come as a complete shock to her, but we wouldn't want her to fail to conform to all those lovely stereotypes, would we?

 

(Can ya' tell that my snark-meter is in the red zone?)

 

And how's her socialization going? :tongue_smilie:

[I talk to the trees]

And how's her socialization going? :tongue_smilie:

 

Oh, :lol: thank you! Forgot that one! Hey, dd! Stop talking to the neighbors, and come back here this instant! :tongue_smilie:

[Catwoman]

Quote:

Originally Posted by flutistmom

No kidding. At my earliest convenience, I'll be sure to remind dd that she's supposed to be a selfish, spoiled brat with a complete inability to share. It will come as a complete shock to her, but we wouldn't want her to fail to conform to all those lovely stereotypes, would we? (Can ya' tell that my snark-meter is in the red zone?)

 

And how's her socialization going? :tongue_smilie:

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

[RoundAbout]

I am an only and having an only.

 

I enjoyed being an only child. We were very poor for most of my childhood and yet my parents were often able to scrape up enough for some enriching activities (a bicycle, a museum trip in the city by bus, etc.) This probably wouldn't have been affordable with more than one kid. I enjoyed a closer relationship with my parents than most will ever experience and because of that they were able to transmit their values to me quite easily. I was not at all peer influenced as a child or teen. I had a great time as a child and never felt lonely - though I did have a number of cousins who lived close by.

 

I feel I have the same advantages having an only child - we do more, travel more, eat better, and don't have to worry about college expenses, etc. We go out when we want for a bike ride or a hike on a moment's notice - something I wouldn't be able to do with a younger child. Educationally I don't feel I have to make compromises in my homeschool. I have more quiet during the day, have time for myself, and because of that I have more energy to give my son than I would otherwise. I think I'm a great parent to one, and would be frazzled and crappy with more than one.

 

I would never try to convince anyone to have more or less children. Everyone is different. For us it was a choice that I'm very happy with. My husband has a demanding job as a mid-career military officer and has deployed 4 times in the first 5 years of my son's life. I gave birth alone. Overseas. With no help. I struggled mightily my first year but at least I was able to get out easily, take a nap when I wanted, or hop on a plane to visit family. When we talked about having another child I said "We can probably make it work and have two great kids." To which my husband replied "Well, then that's *two* great kids I don't get to spend enough time with." Ouch.

 

BTW, my son is by far the best sharer in his group of friends. Overwhelmingly generous for a 4 year-old. I think I'm pretty unselfish too, though I was (and still am) very protective of my quiet time.

[Bluezoo5]

The greatest benefit of being an only child is that all of the parents' resources - emotional and financial - are directed at you, and YOU alone. The more children one has, the more these resources are getting split, and only the rich can afford to provide for a handful of children what a typical middle to upper middle class family can provide for one child; when it comes to emotional resources, however, and TIME invested into each relationship, we are all stuck with a 24 hour day. So, while nobody likes talking about it because children are too precious to scrutinize the issue through the "material" lenses, the FACT is that in many families with multiple children you cannot afford to those children the education, travel opportunities and whatnot which you could afford if you had one child - and that, I find, is a devastating thought to many families in spite of all the love they have for each and every child individually. Like it or not, children are a cost financially and emotionally, and a "calculation" of how many to have always needs to take that into account.

 

Now, you might argue that that is a GOOD thing - that this way children are learning that the world does not revolve around them, that they learn to share, to miss out on something because another child has a more urgent need to be met, and so forth, but it is still a FACT that most children in such circumstances are less invested into compared to the onlies, on all levels. One thing I observed in particular is how more mature the onlies tend to be because they circle around adults as much as they circle around children, and there is typically no "child culture" element in the family when you have an only child. Ditto for being academically precocious, socially precocious (if there is such a thing - more adapted to the adult world as opposed to the child culture), they typically acquire adult language and demeanor quite early on, and all of that combined with that investment into them and a wealth of no-competition attention and emotional presence gives many onlines a real head start in life. More than a head start, in fact, when it comes to issues like inheritance later. Really, there are many tangible benefits involved with being an only.

 

However, being an only also adds the pressure. You are all your parents have. If YOU do not succeed and make them proud (whatever that means anyway), NOBODY will. If YOU are not a good child, nobody else is going to be. If something happens to you, there will be nobody left to comfort them. You are given more, but more is also EXPECTED out of you, simply by the virtue of being an only child they can expect anything from.

And then when you get older you catch up with some of the other downsides... such as what happens when you have to care for your aging parents, you do not have anybody to rely on in the nuclear family for support, if you do not have a close network of friends and extended family it can feel quite alone, I suppose.

 

Overall, it is sort of bittersweet. :tongue_smilie: I do not regret being an only child, but I also do not regret not having an only myself. Watching the sibling dynamic growing as my children are growing is quite amazing, I did not know what type of connection that really was. DH was a HUGE help with how to handle bickering and rivalry when they appear, I was clueless as to how does one coordinate peacefully more children. I am glad that they will have somebody in their adulthood to relate to in this way.

 

:iagree: I am an only, and I could not agree more with all of the points you make in this post. I was trying to figure out how to word the bolded and you expressed it perfectly.

 

I also do not regret being an only child, nor do I regret having more than one child.

 

Also, as far as sharing goes, on occasions when I had friends over to play, I was more than happy to share with them, so I also think that is a misconception about onlies.

[Mommy22alyns]

I was an only for 9 years and liked it just fine. Then sister came along... we have never gotten along much, we just ignore each other. We have no shared experiences, really. My parents got divorced when I was 14, so she was just 5. Our childhoods, our young adulthoods, completely different.

 

But I suppose the benefit is that she can be the one to deal with my parents as they age. She is 24 and still lives with my mom - her responsibility then. And she's the one that still talks with my dad - he did something unspeakably horrible to me in summer 2010 and I will never have contact with him again.

[Trresh]

My husband's parents divorced just a few years ago after 40+ years of marriage. He and his siblings don't talk about it.

My parents divorced 30 years ago after being married a bit more than a decade. I don't talk about it with my siblings.

We all have our own 'take on it' and feelings about the divorces. It was our parents' marriage, not ours.

 

His parents were married 25 years. He mentioned several times it would have been easier if he had had a sibling. His parents were the 'tell your mom xyz for me' type. DH served as their mediator. He didn't want to but he wouldn't stand up to them.

 

My parents divorced after 37 years and I can talk with my siblings about 'old times'. Things like 'Remember when mom and dad....' where as my dh doesn't. He doesn't feel comfortable bringing up much of the past with them if the memory contains both of the parents.

 

I realize not all situations are like this but his is and this is his reality and feelings. He wishes he had siblings.

 

....apologies for the rambling post. Kids are fighting and baking, the radio's blaring and little dd won't quit putting raw spaghetti into the candle flame. :ack2:

[sparrow]

It strikes me reading these posts, and after a lifetime of hearing, "You're an only child? But you're so *normal*. You don't *seem* spoiled" what a perceived anomaly only children are. The interesting thing is that it would never occur to me to think "Wow, that person must have siblings!" of someone that I find kind and generous.

[Shellydon]

I am an only child and always recommend that people have at least two children if possible. I always felt lonely growing up. Now that I have 4 kids, I can see why. My kids always have a playmate.

[justamouse]

I am an only child and always recommend that people have at least two children if possible. I always felt lonely growing up. Now that I have 4 kids, I can see why. My kids always have a playmate.

 

There's 8 years between my bro and I (but we have few shared memories). What I remember up until that point was always wanting to be with my aunt and her passel. And I'm an introvert. But I was horribly, horribly, horribly lonely. And after my brother came, I was lonely in a different way. But up until 8 I always wanted to be somewhere other than home. Somewhere with kids and laughter.

[momofkhm]

What are your thoughts on the pros/cons of being or having an only child?

 

College visit today and met one of dd's friends there for lunch. She is an only. She can't study with her roommate in the room. I see it as a disadvantage b/c how often can you get a room to yourself in college.

[WTMCassandra]

I haven't had time to read the replies, but I have mixed feelings about being an only child.

 

I was very lonely. I relied heavily on neighborhood children, school friends, and church friends (which I saw a max of once a week since we went to church an hour away). My parents didn't have time for me (were consumed with owning a business), and we didn't have hardly any kind of quality "family life."

 

However.

 

I spent a lot of time with adults and learned how to work hard. I also spent a lot of time with elderly relatives. So, while I am technically Generation X, I think and live much more like a Baby Boomer.

 

I can entertain myself endlessly.

 

I am actually an introvert, so I think my cherished dreams of siblings may have been very overly rosy. ; )

 

Books became my refuge, solace, and love. This has served me well ; ).

[Joules]

Better or different?

 

Well I was thinking that the parents would be thinking better. So if someone grew up in a crazy loud, full household, she might think, "I'm going to have only one child, so he doesn't have to go through that". And then the opposite for those that grew up lonely. I was just wondering if some of the flip-flop between generations was "grass is greener" syndrome.

[Hoggirl]

It's one thing to not be able to have more than one because of infertility, or medical issues. It's another thing to not have more because that's the size you decide to keep your family.

 

From a Christian POV, the family is the domestic church. That is where you learn love, self sacrifice, how to temper your self and words, how to work as a team, how to prefer someone over you, how to negotiate disagreements with care.

 

Can you learn that as an only? I'm sure you can, and I bet it's a lot of work for the parents. You would really have to make an effort to get your kid out there to teach that to them. I'm not saying it can't be done, though.

 

The other aspect is what's been said, caring for aging parents.

 

Um, I don't get what you are saying at. all. What I am reading is that I am somehow less of a Christian b/c I only have one???? Please tell me I am misunderstanding what you are saying. Yes, this is what we chose, though we did have a difficult time getting the one we have. It is actually what my husband chose, and as his Christian wife I honored his wishes.

 

I think there are many places one can learn the characteristics your listed.

[astrid]

I can't speak for justamouse, but yes, I've had this said to me, both subtly and not-so-subtly, here and elsewhere. Apparently some believe more kids = more Christian. Not saying that justamouse is espousing this belief, but yeah. It's out there.

 

I've also been told that I'm "not REALLY a mother since I only have one." :001_huh: I have to say that's probably the most hurtful thing anyone's ever said to me. And it was on Mother's Day, to boot. I hate that holiday now.

 

astrid

[Hoggirl]

I can't speak for justamouse, but yes, I've had this said to me, both subtly and not-so-subtly, here and elsewhere. Apparently some believe more kids = more Christian. Not saying that justamouse is espousing this belief, but yeah. It's out there.

 

I've also been told that I'm "not REALLY a mother since I only have one." :001_huh: I have to say that's probably the most hurtful thing anyone's ever said to me. And it was on Mother's Day, to boot. I hate that holiday now.

 

astrid

 

((((astrid)))) :grouphug:

 

So sorry.

[Parrothead]

I can't speak for justamouse, but yes, I've had this said to me, both subtly and not-so-subtly, here and elsewhere. Apparently some believe more kids = more Christian. Not saying that justamouse is espousing this belief, but yeah. It's out there.

 

I've also been told that I'm "not REALLY a mother since I only have one." :001_huh: I have to say that's probably the most hurtful thing anyone's ever said to me. And it was on Mother's Day, to boot. I hate that holiday now.

 

astrid

Yup, been there on both counts.

 

I've had someone question how I could call myself Catholic and have only one kid. It is automatically assumed that I'm on some kind of BC. No one ever thinks secondary infertility.

 

And more than one person has told me that I'm not a real mother. It has been said I have no idea how to really be a parent.

[Shellydon]

Um, I don't get what you are saying at. all. What I am reading is that I am somehow less of a Christian b/c I only have one???? Please tell me I am misunderstanding what you are saying. Yes, this is what we chose, though we did have a difficult time getting the one we have. It is actually what my husband chose, and as his Christian wife I honored his wishes.

 

I think there are many places one can learn the characteristics your listed.

 

 

I don't think she was saying someone with an only is less Christian. I think she was saying exactly what she stated. The home is where you " learn love, self sacrifice, how to temper your self and words, how to work as a team, how to prefer someone over you, how to negotiate disagreements with care." As an only child, I can tell you that I never had to learn any of those qualities (except love) until I left home and had roomates and then a spouse. There is something about living with someone every.single.day that is just plain hard and requires learning to die to self in a way that cannot be re-created outside the home.

[astrid]

AW, thanks Cynthia. I'll pass them along to Parrothead too. :grouphug:

 

I know, hard to believe. It's not something that anyone talks about or realize, I think. Somehow moms of onlies are not seen as "real moms" because "we have it so easy." Yes. Said right to my face. More than once, and sometimes by family. Then there's the, "Oh, she was such a bad baby, such a handful that you stopped at one, eh?" (Um, no, actually-- she slept through the night from two weeks on, and has been a delight every day since.)

 

So many misconceptions, and people can be so cruel.

Little do they know how happy we are with our little family and our little life.

 

astrid

[astrid]

I don't think she was saying someone with an only is less Christian. I think she was saying exactly what she stated. The home is where you " learn love, self sacrifice, how to temper your self and words, how to work as a team, how to prefer someone over you, how to negotiate disagreements with care." As an only child, I can tell you that I never had to learn any of those qualities (except love) until I left home and had roomates and then a spouse. There is something about living with someone every.single.day that is just plain hard and requires learning to die to self in a way that cannot be re-created outside the home.

 

And just as has been pointed out previously, this is remarkably similar to the "You homeschool? Then how will they learn how to get along with others?! How will they learn to socialize?!" comments we love so much.

 

astrid

[Hoggirl]

I don't think she was saying someone with an only is less Christian. I think she was saying exactly what she stated. The home is where you " learn love, self sacrifice, how to temper your self and words, how to work as a team, how to prefer someone over you, how to negotiate disagreements with care." As an only child, I can tell you that I never had to learn any of those qualities (except love) until I left home and had roomates and then a spouse. There is something about living with someone every.single.day that is just plain hard and requires learning to die to self in a way that cannot be re-created outside the home.

 

Huh. Well, as an only child I learned all of those things with and from my parents. You better believe I learned how to temper my self and my words! And how to temper disagreements with care! I do agree that there is a learning curve with a spouse, but I would think this would be true for everyone.

 

This just sounds so much akin to the the whole homeschooling socialization argument made by people who do not homeschool.

[Impish]

I can't speak for justamouse, but yes, I've had this said to me, both subtly and not-so-subtly, here and elsewhere. Apparently some believe more kids = more Christian. Not saying that justamouse is espousing this belief, but yeah. It's out there.

 

I've also been told that I'm "not REALLY a mother since I only have one." :001_huh: I have to say that's probably the most hurtful thing anyone's ever said to me. And it was on Mother's Day, to boot. I hate that holiday now.

 

astrid

Don't let a thoughtless a$$ ruin a holiday for you, Astrid, not for another moment. :grouphug:

[Lisbeth]

I disliked being an only child. I am an introvert and handle 'alone time' well but I was alone TOO MUCH. I was incredibly bored for a lot of my childhood. I read a lot to escape. I had daydreams and regular dreams about having a twin sister or just a sister of some sort. I have way more in common with people my parents' age instead of my own peer group. I see adult sibs who have a warm relationship and long for that. I know having a sib is no guarantee of that, though. I have four kids! ;)

[Hoggirl]

Don't let a thoughtless a$$ ruin a holiday for you, Astrid, not for another moment. :grouphug:

 

I'm going to apply this principle on Wednesday when my FIL arrives! :lol:

 

I really needed to hear that today!!!

Edited November 21, 2011 by Hoggirl

[justamouse]

I can't speak for justamouse, but yes, I've had this said to me, both subtly and not-so-subtly, here and elsewhere. Apparently some believe more kids = more Christian. Not saying that justamouse is espousing this belief, but yeah. It's out there.

 

I've also been told that I'm "not REALLY a mother since I only have one." :001_huh: I have to say that's probably the most hurtful thing anyone's ever said to me. And it was on Mother's Day, to boot. I hate that holiday now.

 

astrid

 

Nooo, that's not what I meant at ALL, and I'm sorry if you took it to be that way.

 

to the thread-

 

I understand that there are bruises that you (universal) with one have, but I'm starting to get upset that you seem to be purposely reading my words as an attack. It's like no one can anything other than having an only is all wonderful.

 

All I have been meaning to say is that some people think having an only will be easier because there're less kids to raise, that's not true. If anything, you have to be more to your child bring them more, bring them around more, get them into tight groups where they will have push pull relationships. And there are some parents who won't. They just won't. Because they're selfish.

 

 

I'm saying that the family IS the domestic church and that you are supposed to learn these huge lessons there, at home, but if there's no one to LEARN them with....THAT's what I'm trying to say. I think that's what I said, but it's like everyone read my answer, looked at how many kids i had and automatically assumed I was attacking them.

Edited November 21, 2011 by justamouse

[astrid]

Nooo, that's not what I meant at ALL, and I'm sorry if you took it to be that way.

 

to the thread-

 

I understand that there are bruises that you (universal) with one have, but I'm starting to get upset that you seem to be purposely reading my words as an attack. It's like no one can anything other than having an only is all wonderful.

 

 

 

HUH? Did you mean that *I* seem to be purposefully reading your words as an attack? No, I specifically said I can't speak for you.

 

Also, could you please indicate where I stated, or even implied, that having multiple children is not as wonderful as having one?? (at least I think that's what you meant; there were some words missing) Or maybe that no one can SAY anything other than having an only is wonderful? (again, your words are not clear)

 

I get that parents of onlies are in the distinct minority, especially here. But seriously-- if parents of large families can commiserate here about all the rotten things people say/do/think about large families, then why can't the very small group of us here voice our frustrations with perceptions about our family size?

 

astrid

[Hoggirl]

Nooo, that's not what I meant at ALL, and I'm sorry if you took it to be that way.

 

to the thread-

 

I understand that there are bruises that you (universal) with one have, but I'm starting to get upset that you seem to be purposely reading my words as an attack. It's like no one can anything other than having an only is all wonderful.

 

All I have been meaning to say is that some people think having an only will be easier because there're less kids to raise, that's not true. If anything, you have to be more to your child bring them more, bring them around more, get them into tight groups where they will have push pull relationships. And there are some parents who won't. They just won't. Because they're selfish.

 

 

I'm saying that the family IS the domestic church and that you are supposed to learn these huge lessons there, at home, but if there's no one to LEARN them with....THAT's what I'm trying to say. I think that's what I said, but it's like everyone read my answer, looked at how many kids i had and automatically assumed I was attacking them.

 

Thanks for this. That was why I specifically quoted you and asked you to expand a bit more on what you are saying. I'm still having a bit of trouble and don't agree with everything you are saying, but now I understand that you are not trying to be mean-spirited or critical. So, thank you. :001_smile:

[elegantlion]

And just as has been pointed out previously, this is remarkably similar to the "You homeschool? Then how will they learn how to get along with others?! How will they learn to socialize?!" comments we love so much.

 

astrid

 

:iagree: This was exactly the conversation I had with ds today. :glare:

 

Huh. Well, as an only child I learned all of those things with and from my parents. You better believe I learned how to temper my self and my words! And how to temper disagreements with care! I do agree that there is a learning curve with a spouse, but I would think this would be true for everyone.

 

This just sounds so much akin to the the whole homeschooling socialization argument made by people who do not homeschool.

 

:iagree: I discussed this thread at length with ds today. He has learned those skills, maybe that comes from being more transparent with my child. He knows if his words hurt my feelings because we communicate. He knows love and sharing and kindness and doing things for others. He's learning lessons WITH us.

[astrid]

I am an only child and always recommend that people have at least two children if possible. I always felt lonely growing up. Now that I have 4 kids, I can see why. My kids always have a playmate.

 

And then there's me, who has lived as both a sibling and an only. Had a brother, one year younger. Joel was killed in a car accident when he was 17 and I was 18. I then became an only child.

 

astrid

[Catwoman]

College visit today and met one of dd's friends there for lunch. She is an only. She can't study with her roommate in the room. I see it as a disadvantage b/c how often can you get a room to yourself in college.

 

I don't think that is anything exclusive to only children. Some people can do just about anything no matter what is going on around them, and others can't concentrate if there is even the slightest distraction. I have often read posts here, written by moms of many children, who are having trouble getting one or more of their kids to get their schoolwork done while other things are going on in the house.

[Shellydon]

And then there's me, who has lived as both a sibling and an only. Had a brother, one year younger. Joel was killed in a car accident when he was 17 and I was 18. I then became an only child.

 

astrid

 

 

IMO, growing up with a sibling, then losing the sibling as an adult, is quite different from not growing up with siblings.

[OLG]

HUH?

 

I get that parents of onlies are in the distinct minority, especially here. But seriously-- if parents of large families can commiserate here about all the rotten things people say/do/think about large families, then why can't the very small group of us here voice our frustrations with perceptions about our family size?

 

astrid

 

Amen. No need for any of us to pass judgement on the other and I like to think none of that is happening. Everyone's family functions differently and that's a GOOD thing!

[Joules]

The home is where you " learn love, self sacrifice, how to temper your self and words, how to work as a team, how to prefer someone over you, how to negotiate disagreements with care." As an only child, I can tell you that I never had to learn any of those qualities (except love) until I left home and had roomates and then a spouse. There is something about living with someone every.single.day that is just plain hard and requires learning to die to self in a way that cannot be re-created outside the home.

 

I have an only, and he lives with dh and I every.single.day. At 14, he has learned all of the above by living with us. Just because there aren't siblings doesn't mean the house is empty, and that he doesn't have to compromise and make sacrifices for others in the household. A couple of years ago my elderly parents moved in, and it was clear how graciously he has learned the concepts above.

 

Parents of onlies aren't blessed with a perfect life (anymore than anyone else). Life has plenty of ups and plenty of downs to teach the life lessons you mention.

 

For example, it's not the way ds would have chosen to spend the summer, but I spent it all with a cast on my leg. There were plenty of things we weren't able to do. He handled it all with grace, including helping me with every trip to the store, loading and unloading my cart in the car, pushing me uphills and standing in front so I didn't roll down hills too fast. He started cooking breakfast for the family every morning, since I couldn't be on my feet. No one asked him to, but he said since he was up anyway, he wanted to help.

 

I'm sure he's not perfect (though I'm biased right now), but he has learned all of the above just being a part of small family.

 

ETA: From reading on, I just wanted to say I'm not discounting your experience as an only. I just wanted to give an example that shows that those things can be learned in a family of any size. I don't think it's a natural consequence of being an only child to miss those life lessons.

Edited November 22, 2011 by Joules

[SweetBean]

I have an only, and he lives with dh and I every.single.day. At 14, he has learned all of the above by living with us. Just because there aren't siblings doesn't mean the house is empty, and that he doesn't have to compromise and make sacrifices for others in the household. A couple of years ago my elderly parents moved in, and it was clear how graciously he has learned the concepts above.

 

Parents of onlies aren't blessed with a perfect life (anymore than anyone else). Life has plenty of ups and plenty of downs to teach the life lessons you mention.

 

For example, it's not the way ds would have chosen to spend the summer, but I spent it all with a cast on my leg. There were plenty of things we weren't able to do. He handled it all with grace, including helping me with every trip to the store, loading and unloading my cart in the car, pushing me uphills and standing in front so I didn't roll down hills too fast. He started cooking breakfast for the family every morning, since I couldn't be on my feet. No one asked him to, but he said since he was up anyway, he wanted to help.

 

I'm sure he's not perfect (though I'm biased right now), but he has learned all of the above just being a part of small family.

I think you are right. We are very close friends with a family with an only child. Their son is a wonderful, kind young man. These parents had wished to have more children, but were unable. When the father's disabled older brother came to live with them, this young man rose to the occassion and has been a great help.