Spoke with a professional-dd is deeply wounded from being bullied

[smilesonly]

i deleted my other posts..

 

back in 6th gr dd was bullied....

 

dd read a letter to me friday am, which she wrote some time ago. in it she pours her heart out about how she just can't get over the hurt she feels from being bullied, and the anger she has at herself as she feels it was her fault. she said in every social situation, every time she meets a new friend, she feels terrified she will be bullied again.

 

some of her thoughts and feelings-

 

-if only she wouldn't have been hsed the school kids wouldn't have bullied her.

-if she didn't always know the answers and always get 100% on her schoolwork, the girls would have left her alone.

-if our family was more "Christian" she would have been accepted and not bullied.(the bullying happened at a small, private Christian school, and my dh was not Christian)

-if only she would have had a boyfriend, the girls wouldn't have made fun of her. (this was in 6th grade.)

-if only *i* wasn't sick, the girls wouldn't have made fun of her.(the reason she was in school that yr was because i was put on long term bed rest) they actually teased her about me being sick-that led her to feeling angry at me and ashamed of me, which has led to enormous guilt.

-if only the outside of our house and the yard was more decorated, they wouldn't have teased her about our house.(this school is around the corner from us, and these girls would drive by. we live in an almost 100 yo house that doesn't look like trash, but at that time, we were in the middle of major outdoor repairs.)

-if only she would have hung out with the goth girl, she would have had a friend.(she goes on to say she knew she would have to try drugs if she befriended her)

 

the list goes on. the bottom line is that she feels the bullying was her fault and that she somehow could have stopped it, or prevented it.

 

she was emotionally and verbally assaulted, never standing up to them, just always trying to keep her distance. the day she did stand up to the four girls, she was physically assaulted. the school did nothing and we filed charges against the girls. she was transferred to ps as the state said it was too late into the year to hs her.(i now know-from hslda-that that was untrue) that's the very short story.

 

at the ps, she was put into gifted classes, got all a's, and made friends easily. however, in her letter, she said she was scared to death someone would turn on her. the teachers loved her and she was afraid they would start singling her out for answers.

 

because she liked the social atmosphere and the teachers, she chose to return to ps for 7th. everything appeared to be going well-good grades, good teachers, many friends.

 

at winter break, she begged us to return to hsing. she could give no reason.

 

in her letter, she said she didn't want to appear weak. which is why she didn't share her heart with us, why she refused counseling, and why she greatly minimized her wounds.

 

the counselor said she had only one way(in her mind) to feel empowered, to make herself feel better about herself-and that was to target ds.

 

on my way home from the counselor, i went to b&n and bought a few books on bullying(we already had several) and we are now approaching her behavior towards ds much differently. still zero-tolerance for mistreating(bullying) but we will be doing a lot of work to help her and ds heal.

 

the best book i can't put down, is The Bully,the Bullied,and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso.

 

she has agreed she needs and is ready for professional help.

 

i don't want anyone to say don't beat yourself up, because i MAJORLY let my dd down-I DIDN'T DO ENOUGH-and i have majorly let ds down. i need to face my mistakes and try to make things right. we all do.

 

thanks for listening.

[QuirkyKapers]

Thanks for sharing :grouphug: as you work through this.

[Kertie]

:grouphug: It's often hard to know for sure what to do and when to do it. I'm glad you have a sure path to walk now, and that your daughter was able to communicate her feelings. I'm glad she has you.

[Guest submarines]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Thank you for sharing. You are there for her, and your family will work through this.

 

My heart breaks for her.

[justamouse]

I am so, so sorry for her.

 

And I'm so ashamed that it happened at a Christian school :confused: I know there's no difference, but there SHOULD be. It's not the first time I've heard of that happening.

 

I'm praying your family heals from this and grows closer than ever before.

[Alenee]

You're on the right path now, mama. You cannot change what happened to your kids but you can change their future by being 100% all-in, helping them to find healing. :grouphug:

[Another Lynn]

I am so, so sorry for her.

 

And I'm so ashamed that it happened at a Christian school :confused: I know there's no difference, but there SHOULD be. It's not the first time I've heard of that happening.

 

I'm praying your family heals from this and grows closer than ever before.

 

:iagree: :grouphug: I'm so sorry.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

:grouphug:Sometimes it's so hard being a parent. I'm praying for your healing as well as your family's healing.:grouphug:

[Alicia64]

There's something called "the cycle of violence."

 

It's a circle cut in thirds.

 

The first 1/3 is when the victim is walking on eggs shells. . . knowing an environment is scary and trying very hard "to do the right thing."

 

Finally, they do something "wrong". . . wear the "wrong" sweater, not have a boyfriend, say "cool" instead of "random". It doesn't matter what the trigger is -- it can be anything at all -- but there's a trigger.

 

The trigger leads to the next 1/3: the bullying. (Or hitting or beating in domestic abuse.)

 

The final 1/3 -- in a domestic violence situation -- is when the abuser brings flowers, apologizes profusely, swears it'll never happen again, blah, blah, blah.

 

Until the cycle starts all over again. Happening more and more and more often.

 

I'm guessing that at school, with bullying, that the final 1/3 might be when a teacher or authority gets involved and makes the bully apologize and behave. Just a guess. (I know bullies don't bring flowers etc.)

 

I think it would be great if you explain the cycle to your daughter so that she has a reference, so to speak, for her feelings. It's a horrible feeling to know that it didn't matter what she did, that there was nothing that she could have done or said or worn that would have made a difference. (It feels better -- somehow -- to feel like it's her fault and she should have done something differently. It may be a survival coping method for human beings.) The truth is that she was in trouble. Period.

 

I would tell her: You were targeted -- and bullies don't need a reason for bullying. They just look for any dumb excuse they can find. But it's an excuse. I'd tell her: you could be Taylor Swift. Perfect. Beautiful. Great clothes. Great singer etc. and then still would have attacked her. Because it's not about any of those things. The bully simply needs a target.

 

Your daughter needs to be really clear on what the cycle of violence is and what the trigger is.

 

You might also want to google Christina Aguilera. If I remember correctly, she endured a ton of bullying before becoming successful. In fact, I think her song Beautiful is based on those experiences.

 

Take good care -- you're doing the right thing,

 

Alley

[simka2]

I wrote this on my FB yesterday. "I had an epiphany about why I do not enjoy reading my bible as much. I think I have lost confidence in it. The deepest wounds I have ever experienced have been at the hands of those who read the bible professionaly or with religious zeal. The people who have bound up my wounds and provided the most love, have been those who have little use for the Bible, but much love of God and their fellow man. This leaves me to ponder the merits of regular bible study."

 

It is very disorienting to be treated badly in what should be a safe environment, and then treated well in what "can" be perceived as a less safe environment.

 

If I as an adult struggle with that, I cannot imagine the upheaval a child experiences.

 

:grouphug: You guys are in my thoughts!

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm glad you found out so now you can help her much more, and your ds too. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Starr]

My dd was also bullied in a Christian youth group. Fortunately it was not our church so she still had a faith home. It took professional counseling, prayer, reading, time, ... it is always part of her character formation and how she views herself in groups. I'm glad you've found help. :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

People are sometimes just mean. She is not "if only..." :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Edited November 19, 2011 by elegantlion

[Twigs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[LaxMom]

Well, I'm going to say it: don't beat yourself up. You made an error in how to handle a situation you had limited information on. Acknowledge it, take the new information and adjust (which you've already done).

 

Hugs to all of you.

[Denise in Florida]

:grouphug: It's often hard to know for sure what to do and when to do it. I'm glad you have a sure path to walk now, and that your daughter was able to communicate her feelings. I'm glad she has you.

 

:iagree:

[Denise in Florida]

I wrote this on my FB yesterday. "I had an epiphany about why I do not enjoy reading my bible as much. I think I have lost confidence in it. The deepest wounds I have ever experienced have been at the hands of those who read the bible professionaly or with religious zeal. The people who have bound up my wounds and provided the most love, have been those who have little use for the Bible, but much love of God and their fellow man. This leaves me to ponder the merits of regular bible study."

 

It is very disorienting to be treated badly in what should be a safe environment, and then treated well in what "can" be perceived as a less safe environment.

 

If I as an adult struggle with that, I cannot imagine the upheaval a child experiences.

 

:grouphug: You guys are in my thoughts!

 

:iagree::iagree: that is beautifully put.

 

At times I have pulled away from religion and church but I have a deep love for God and man. I think the worst suffering is caused by hurts inflicted by that who should know better, it is much easier to ignore hurts inflicted by the malicious or ignorant.

[Audrey]

She forgot one thing:

 

If only those girls weren't mean rotten little b*tches, she wouldn't have been bullied. And, by the way... that's the only thing that would have made a difference. Rotten people will find any excuse to bully. Even if your daughter's list were actualized, they still would have found something to bully her. It is THEM not her. It is THEIR shortcoming and failures, not hers.

[Audrey]

I wrote this on my FB yesterday. "I had an epiphany about why I do not enjoy reading my bible as much. I think I have lost confidence in it. The deepest wounds I have ever experienced have been at the hands of those who read the bible professionaly or with religious zeal. The people who have bound up my wounds and provided the most love, have been those who have little use for the Bible, but much love of God and their fellow man. This leaves me to ponder the merits of regular bible study."

 

It is very disorienting to be treated badly in what should be a safe environment, and then treated well in what "can" be perceived as a less safe environment.

 

If I as an adult struggle with that, I cannot imagine the upheaval a child experiences.

 

:grouphug: You guys are in my thoughts!

 

The worst treatment from people I ever got was from other Christians when I was still a Christian. When I moved away from that, I thought it must have been because they could tell I didn't really believe deep down. Now, I know that it is just because they were rotten people. Rotten people come in all stripes.

[Impish]

She forgot one thing:

 

If only those girls weren't mean rotten little b*tches, she wouldn't have been bullied. And, by the way... that's the only thing that would have made a difference. Rotten people will find any excuse to bully. Even if your daughter's list were actualized, they still would have found something to bully her. It is THEM not her. It is THEIR shortcoming and failures, not hers.

 

The worst treatment from people I ever got was from other Christians when I was still a Christian. When I moved away from that, I thought it must have been because they could tell I didn't really believe deep down. Now, I know that it is just because they were rotten people. Rotten people come in all stripes.

:iagree::iagree:

[Joanne]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Many more hugs to you both.

 

Coloroso is a great parenting author.

[KatA]

I wrote this on my FB yesterday. "I had an epiphany about why I do not enjoy reading my bible as much. I think I have lost confidence in it. The deepest wounds I have ever experienced have been at the hands of those who read the bible professionaly or with religious zeal. The people who have bound up my wounds and provided the most love, have been those who have little use for the Bible, but much love of God and their fellow man. This leaves me to ponder the merits of regular bible study."

 

That's a very interesting thought. While I agree that people read the bible and can bend it to fit their own interpretations I'm not sure I see it as the fault of the bible. In the end it is how the person acts after reading it. Many people read it and see the love of God. So while I agree that by reading the bible you must weigh your own thoughts against what you know to be the character of God. But some people are jerks and will always be jerks. Reading your bible doesn't give you faith and it is the intentions of a person and not a book that causes over zealousness and hypocrisy.

 

Hugs for OP and your daughter.

[simka2]

Off topic, sorry OP.

 

That's a very interesting thought. While I agree that people read the bible and can bend it to fit their own interpretations I'm not sure I see it as the fault of the bible. In the end it is how the person acts after reading it. Many people read it and see the love of God. So while I agree that by reading the bible you must weigh your own thoughts against what you know to be the character of God. But some people are jerks and will always be jerks. Reading your bible doesn't give you faith and it is the intentions of a person and not a book that causes over zealousness and hypocrisy.

 

Hugs for OP and your daughter.

While I agree with you, my point was not abot finding fault with the Bible. My point had more to do with the fact that reading, studying, immersing oneself in the Bible does not automatically make someone a better person, in fact it can bring out the worst in some people.

 

The second point, almost more important than the first, is that people who do not "regularly" read the Bible can be just as moral, kind, and loving and those who do not.

The problem is when one believes that simply reading the bible (or in some cases being Christian) is the means to a more loving character. That is where the disorientation can come in.

 

Other than that we are in perfect agreement :D

[LauraGB]

:grouphug: I'm sorry.

[Scuff]

She forgot one thing:

 

If only those girls weren't mean rotten little b*tches, she wouldn't have been bullied. And, by the way... that's the only thing that would have made a difference. Rotten people will find any excuse to bully. Even if your daughter's list were actualized, they still would have found something to bully her. It is THEM not her. It is THEIR shortcoming and failures, not hers.

 

Yup. Unfortunately, getting her to really believe that will take time and healing. :( I pray she can stand tall, knowing her heavenly Father loves her just the way she is.

[akmommy]

Many good parents send their kids to small Christian schools believing it will be better because after all the kids who attend there are supposed to be Christian kids. Don't feel guilty about that.

 

I know that my step sister who always attended Christian schools faced worse teasing and bullying at one of these schools then I'd ever witnessed in the smallish PS I went to. So sad!

[Chris in VA]

Cass, share this if you think it's appropriate. Pls don't if it isn't.

 

To Cass' Daughter

 

Dear One,

 

I'm so sorry you went thru bullying. I did, too. I moved to a new school in 8th grade, and a group of girls and boys immediately targeted me. I was ridiculed constantly, set up to look stupid, called Ugly. Once, a boy named Chaz kicked me in the bottom and made to fall over when I was bending over a stack of books, and ran laughing with everyone else. No one helped. Once, I sat with a girl I thought was "safe," because I went to church with her. She was sort of cold to me; after the class, the girls gathered round her and I heard them ask why she'd sat with me. She told them I went to her church, and I had sat with her, not the other way around. Such betrayal.

I remember the boy who refused to dance with me in gym class--he was so mean, and made a big show of how ugly I was. And the teacher really did nothing. And that's just the barest tip of the iceberg. It went on and on and on, for over a year.

 

The worst was the feeling that I could not escape the situation. I had to go, day after day, feeling powerless, into that school, and see those kids.

 

My parents didn't really know--how could I tell them the humiliating truth? I couldn't believe it was happening myself. My mom yelled at me for having bad grades (who could concentrate when you constantly felt the way I felt?). She thought I was rebelling for having moved away from the place I called home, but really my heart was breaking, not rebelling. When she finally heard some of it, when I was an adult, she was all "Oh, we didn't know! Kids are mean." She'd been bullied, too, a bit. She won't go deep with me. She won't go deep with anyone. Sounds like your mom is different, and not dismissing it. That is a blessing.

 

There was another girl, too--when I got to the school, she was their target. Red hair, slightly overweight, carried a big purse--they called her names, snatched her purse before class and dumped the contents, played keep away with her books. She sympathised. She knew what it was to be bullied. We were friends of a sort, but not close friends. I didn't stop the bullying she went thru--because I was secretly relieved on the days they'd pick her to target, because they didn't pick me that day. Some days I wasn't even ashamed of that, because I was trying to survive.

 

It impacted me so greatly. I started attending a girl scout group, and there was a tall girl there who wasn't very smart in what she said, but she was very nice. The group made a few disparaging remarks to her, and I joined in--I gave her a nickname when we were making tree id plaques for a park--"Hawthorn," because she was skinny and tall and worked on that plaque. We said it behind her back. I was mean. I was also happy to be on the other side of the bullying--I belonged. I didn't even see that I was bullying, because I was fairly nice to her face.

 

Bullies become bullies sometimes. I hear that's happened to you. I'm sorry. I think I get it--I think so, but forgive me if I don't.

 

For years and years, I wanted to get back at those kids. I wanted to show up at their doors and tell their parents. I wanted to take Chaz' little body and break it in half (he was short). I wanted to yell and get those *****y girls in trouble. I wanted to reveal their true nature. Chaz, Matt, Tammy, Cheryl, Terri--they were.so.mean.to.me. I wanted someone to hear my pain and validate it.

 

I'm 48 years old. Writing this, I still feel those hatefilled emotions. It stayed with me for the longest time. It is one of the biggest things I need healing for--and I've been thru other things that would seem more serious, but this one just had so much impact.

 

I hear you are getting help. Do that. Don't let the bitterness of those experiences sit with you, "take tea" with your heart from time to time, whisper in your ear, cause you to re-experience those helpless, angry, shocked, HURT, afraid feelings. Learn to forgive. Don't blame yourself. I rehearsed scenario after scenario for years--I should have worn that, I should have said this, I should have punched the kid in the face, I should have...THEN they never would have...

 

It occupied my thoughts from time to time, for years and years. Not only did they take my school year away from me, they took away more time later, just because I could not let it go. Don't let your bullies do that to you.

 

They were as wounded as the wounding they caused you. Hard to believe, but kids don't get that mean by living in a safe, peaceful, kind world, they just don't. Something makes them pack together, like dogs. Something triggers that survival instinct. Maybe they were made fun of--maybe their parents subtly or not so subtly modeled that ugliness to them, or otherwise taught them wrongly. They chose, they sinned, they are responsible for their ugly, destructive, cruel behaviour. But something started it and reinforced it. Just like for you.

 

As you go thru your therapy, pls know you are not only helping yourself, you are helping change the world and make it safer for other kids, by breaking the cycle. You have a lot of work to do, and it isn't fun to hold up a mirror to your life, and see what has shaped your character, and acknowledge both what you did wrong and what you did right, and then see how little control we have in our externals, but how much we have of our internals.

 

But it is good. It is a redemptive, good work, and I believe God will bless you for it as he helps you heal. He says he's close to the brokenhearted, and both victims of bullying and the bullies themselves are among the brokenhearted. I believe we wrestle against powers and principalities, and they just love it when people hate and bully and are cruel, because it hurts the heart of God to see his children at each other. But he's much bigger than those powers, and he offers healing and restoration. He can restore the years the locusts have eaten, to quote a phrase.

 

I hope this makes sense. I put it out there, hoping it would help. If it doesn't, just disregard it. I do wish you all peace and healing.

 

Chris

Edited November 20, 2011 by Chris in VA
I had put "moths have eaten"--LOL--it's LOCUSTS.

[Desert Rat]

She forgot one thing:

 

If only those girls weren't mean rotten little b*tches, she wouldn't have been bullied. And, by the way... that's the only thing that would have made a difference. Rotten people will find any excuse to bully. Even if your daughter's list were actualized, they still would have found something to bully her. It is THEM not her. It is THEIR shortcoming and failures, not hers.

 

:iagree: Hugs to you all. I hope your daughter can begin the healing process. OP, I hope you can find a place where you can forgive yourself. I won't tell you to take it easy on yourself; you won't. But, please know that you can and will move forward in your healing process with time and help.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

:grouphug:

[Joanne]

Cass, share this if you think it's appropriate. Pls don't if it isn't.

...............

 

 

I hope this makes sense. I put it out there, hoping it would help. If it doesn't, just disregard it. I do wish you all peace and healing.

 

Chris

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[smilesonly]

There's something called "the cycle of violence."

 

It's a circle cut in thirds.

 

The first 1/3 is when the victim is walking on eggs shells. . . knowing an environment is scary and trying very hard "to do the right thing."

 

Finally, they do something "wrong". . . wear the "wrong" sweater, not have a boyfriend, say "cool" instead of "random". It doesn't matter what the trigger is -- it can be anything at all -- but there's a trigger.

 

The trigger leads to the next 1/3: the bullying. (Or hitting or beating in domestic abuse.)

 

The final 1/3 -- in a domestic violence situation -- is when the abuser brings flowers, apologizes profusely, swears it'll never happen again, blah, blah, blah.

 

Until the cycle starts all over again. Happening more and more and more often.

 

I'm guessing that at school, with bullying, that the final 1/3 might be when a teacher or authority gets involved and makes the bully apologize and behave. Just a guess. (I know bullies don't bring flowers etc.)

 

I think it would be great if you explain the cycle to your daughter so that she has a reference, so to speak, for her feelings. It's a horrible feeling to know that it didn't matter what she did, that there was nothing that she could have done or said or worn that would have made a difference. (It feels better -- somehow -- to feel like it's her fault and she should have done something differently. It may be a survival coping method for human beings.) The truth is that she was in trouble. Period.

 

I would tell her: You were targeted -- and bullies don't need a reason for bullying. They just look for any dumb excuse they can find. But it's an excuse. I'd tell her: you could be Taylor Swift. Perfect. Beautiful. Great clothes. Great singer etc. and then still would have attacked her. Because it's not about any of those things. The bully simply needs a target.

 

Your daughter needs to be really clear on what the cycle of violence is and what the trigger is.

 

You might also want to google Christina Aguilera. If I remember correctly, she endured a ton of bullying before becoming successful. In fact, I think her song Beautiful is based on those experiences.

 

Take good care -- you're doing the right thing,

 

Alley

 

thank you, Alley. i am familiar with this cycle. i will print this out for one of the many discussions to come.:grouphug:

 

My dd was also bullied in a Christian youth group. Fortunately it was not our church so she still had a faith home. It took professional counseling, prayer, reading, time, ... it is always part of her character formation and how she views herself in groups. I'm glad you've found help. :grouphug:

i'm sorry.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

She forgot one thing:

 

If only those girls weren't mean rotten little b*tches, she wouldn't have been bullied. And, by the way... that's the only thing that would have made a difference. Rotten people will find any excuse to bully. Even if your daughter's list were actualized, they still would have found something to bully her. It is THEM not her. It is THEIR shortcoming and failures, not hers.

 

Audrey, you are spot on.:grouphug:

 

The worst treatment from people I ever got was from other Christians when I was still a Christian. When I moved away from that, I thought it must have been because they could tell I didn't really believe deep down. Now, I know that it is just because they were rotten people. Rotten people come in all stripes.

 

me, too.:grouphug: again, you are so right!!

[smilesonly]

Many good parents send their kids to small Christian schools believing it will be better because after all the kids who attend there are supposed to be Christian kids. Don't feel guilty about that.

 

I know that my step sister who always attended Christian schools faced worse teasing and bullying at one of these schools then I'd ever witnessed in the smallish PS I went to. So sad!

 

yep, so true! i believe many parents think that because their dc are in a Christian school, they can relax and then slack on parenting. same goes for Christian hsing groups/circles-the kids may appear all shiny clean and perfect, but behind the adults' backs, they monsters.

 

Cass, share this if you think it's appropriate. Pls don't if it isn't.

 

To Cass' Daughter

 

Dear One,

 

I'm so sorry you went thru bullying. I did, too. I moved to a new school in 8th grade, and a group of girls and boys immediately targeted me. I was ridiculed constantly, set up to look stupid, called Ugly. Once, a boy named Chaz kicked me in the bottom and made to fall over when I was bending over a stack of books, and ran laughing with everyone else. No one helped. Once, I sat with a girl I thought was "safe," because I went to church with her. She was sort of cold to me; after the class, the girls gathered round her and I heard them ask why she'd sat with me. She told them I went to her church, and I had sat with her, not the other way around. Such betrayal.

I remember the boy who refused to dance with me in gym class--he was so mean, and made a big show of how ugly I was. And the teacher really did nothing. And that's just the barest tip of the iceberg. It went on and on and on, for over a year.

 

The worst was the feeling that I could not escape the situation. I had to go, day after day, feeling powerless, into that school, and see those kids.

 

My parents didn't really know--how could I tell them the humiliating truth? I couldn't believe it was happening myself. My mom yelled at me for having bad grades (who could concentrate when you constantly felt the way I felt?). She thought I was rebelling for having moved away from the place I called home, but really my heart was breaking, not rebelling. When she finally heard some of it, when I was an adult, she was all "Oh, we didn't know! Kids are mean." She'd been bullied, too, a bit. She won't go deep with me. She won't go deep with anyone. Sounds like your mom is different, and not dismissing it. That is a blessing.

 

There was another girl, too--when I got to the school, she was their target. Red hair, slightly overweight, carried a big purse--they called her names, snatched her purse before class and dumped the contents, played keep away with her books. She sympathised. She knew what it was to be bullied. We were friends of a sort, but not close friends. I didn't stop the bullying she went thru--because I was secretly relieved on the days they'd pick her to target, because they didn't pick me that day. Some days I wasn't even ashamed of that, because I was trying to survive.

 

It impacted me so greatly. I started attending a girl scout group, and there was a tall girl there who wasn't very smart in what she said, but she was very nice. The group made a few disparaging remarks to her, and I joined in--I gave her a nickname when we were making tree id plaques for a park--"Hawthorn," because she was skinny and tall and worked on that plaque. We said it behind her back. I was mean. I was also happy to be on the other side of the bullying--I belonged. I didn't even see that I was bullying, because I was fairly nice to her face.

 

Bullies become bullies sometimes. I hear that's happened to you. I'm sorry. I think I get it--I think so, but forgive me if I don't.

 

For years and years, I wanted to get back at those kids. I wanted to show up at their doors and tell their parents. I wanted to take Chaz' little body and break it in half (he was short). I wanted to yell and get those *****y girls in trouble. I wanted to reveal their true nature. Chaz, Matt, Tammy, Cheryl, Terri--they were.so.mean.to.me. I wanted someone to hear my pain and validate it.

 

I'm 48 years old. Writing this, I still feel those hatefilled emotions. It stayed with me for the longest time. It is one of the biggest things I need healing for--and I've been thru other things that would seem more serious, but this one just had so much impact.

 

I hear you are getting help. Do that. Don't let the bitterness of those experiences sit with you, "take tea" with your heart from time to time, whisper in your ear, cause you to re-experience those helpless, angry, shocked, HURT, afraid feelings. Learn to forgive. Don't blame yourself. I rehearsed scenario after scenario for years--I should have worn that, I should have said this, I should have punched the kid in the face, I should have...THEN they never would have...

 

It occupied my thoughts from time to time, for years and years. Not only did they take my school year away from me, they took away more time later, just because I could not let it go. Don't let your bullies do that to you.

 

They were as wounded as the wounding they caused you. Hard to believe, but kids don't get that mean by living in a safe, peaceful, kind world, they just don't. Something makes them pack together, like dogs. Something triggers that survival instinct. Maybe they were made fun of--maybe their parents subtly or not so subtly modeled that ugliness to them, or otherwise taught them wrongly. They chose, they sinned, they are responsible for their ugly, destructive, cruel behaviour. But something started it and reinforced it. Just like for you.

 

As you go thru your therapy, pls know you are not only helping yourself, you are helping change the world and make it safer for other kids, by breaking the cycle. You have a lot of work to do, and it isn't fun to hold up a mirror to your life, and see what has shaped your character, and acknowledge both what you did wrong and what you did right, and then see how little control we have in our externals, but how much we have of our internals.

 

But it is good. It is a redemptive, good work, and I believe God will bless you for it as he helps you heal. He says he's close to the brokenhearted, and both victims of bullying and the bullies themselves are among the brokenhearted. I believe we wrestle against powers and principalities, and they just love it when people hate and bully and are cruel, because it hurts the heart of God to see his children at each other. But he's much bigger than those powers, and he offers healing and restoration. He can restore the years the moths have eaten, to quote a phrase.

 

I hope this makes sense. I put it out there, hoping it would help. If it doesn't, just disregard it. I do wish you all peace and healing.

 

Chris

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

i've printed this out. thank you so much for sharing. i'm so sorry for the many hurts you endured and the deep scars you carry.:grouphug::grouphug:

i just started reading a book with dd called Dear Bully. let me see if i can link it...http://www.amazon.com/Dear-Bully-Seventy-Authors-Stories/dp/0062060988/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1321801077&sr=1-1 i think it is a really good book for teens-adults.:grouphug:

[smilesonly]

thanks for all the hugs, support,encouragement and PMs.:grouphug::grouphug:

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Cass and dd:grouphug:

 

I feel you both are still being bullied. The bullies are 100% at fault for their words, actions and behaviors. I hope you both find some peace in this.

[smilesonly]

:grouphug:Cass and dd:grouphug:

 

I feel you both are still being bullied.

 

thanks, Tammy. why do you think we are still being bullied? please share as i want it to stop.:sad:

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:

You are getting her, and she is now accepting and willing to work with it, the help she needs now. Please remember that.

[gardenmom5]

She forgot one thing:

 

If only those girls weren't mean rotten little b*tches, she wouldn't have been bullied. And, by the way... that's the only thing that would have made a difference. Rotten people will find any excuse to bully. Even if your daughter's list were actualized, they still would have found something to bully her. It is THEM not her. It is THEIR shortcoming and failures, not hers.

 

:iagree: way to go audrey.

 

My grandmother "talked religion" all the time -and used it as a weapon for emotional and mental abuse of family members. (my mother did get some physical abuse as well.) It was quite an effort on my part to seperate out her constant threats of death, h3ll, fire, brimestone and destruction if we didn't do what she said (basically, kiss her feet), and my deep down belief that a real God would be a God of Love.

Edited November 20, 2011 by gardenmom5

[Sugarfoot]

So sorry for your daughter. :grouphug:

[Remudamom]

I'm sorry for your dd too, but I can't agree. Why let bullies ruin your life? Move on. Those reasons she gives for why she feels she was targeted by those girls make my mouth drop open. Like someone said, bullies are bullies and they'll get who they want to get no matter what the person is like or does or wears or says.

 

I agree she needs counseling but not because she was bullied. How long has it been? They are still controlling her and she is letting them. Shake it off. Not letting someone like that decide who you are going to be is something this girl needs to learn.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, which I probably do. I come off like that a lot. And maybe counseling would help. She sounds like she's drowning in self pity because of this, and there's no need.

 

Maybe I just don't get it.

[lailasmum]

I hope your dd finds some help. I was bullied throughout school and it has affected my every last thought about myself even now at 33. It's very difficult to move on from. I wish I knew how to do that. I have found that even though I know that my bullies were just b*tches, that they were picking on me to make them selves feel better and really anyone could have been the target, it's still impossible to wipe away what they said and did and how it made me feel. It's all so ingrained in me that I believe it to be true at a really deep level, it has held me back in so many areas of my life. I can't separate it out from me. Not really sure how else to put it, being the victim of bullies is like a stain I can't wash off. I can understand acting out in another direction to try and placate those feelings, sort of quiet them, and give her a burst of power.

 

The most harmful thing I think people did was just telling me to put up with being bullied and not really acknowledging it. You sound like you are acknowledging it and getting your dd help so don't forget that is something a lot of parents don't ever do. You obviously are being proactive in helping your dd.

Edited November 20, 2011 by lailasmum

[bettyandbob]

:grouphug:

 

The affects of bullying stay with a person lifelong. I was listening to the local news radio station a few months back and they did a story on victims and how their lives are affected. I have a the typical behaviors of an adult who experienced bullying. I sort of knew some of my thoughts and actions were related what I experienced 5-8 grades, but it was a small revelation to hear the research on it.

 

Both of my boys have been bullied. My oldest is 2E and many of his behaviors make him stand out. He's been in counseling. I think the affects of bullying are less of a problem for him now than his exceptionalities. My youngest has down syndrom and I recently wrote about that here. Thankfully, my dd has avoided being bullied so far.

 

You didn't fail your dd. In my experience kids don't talk about the situation and how bad it really is until they are out of it. I never told my parents anything, except the day I was physically beaten. My oldest didn't tell me until he was getting physically hit daily at school. It was after we removed him from school by about 6 months that things really started to come out. Not all schools let this stuff happen, but some do. Some schools still take the "we can't do anything about it" stance. As far at the school being Christian, I've seen really awful bullying among girls at a Christian homeschool coop. Some of my worst experiences have involved "Christians."

 

I hope that you find the right counselor for your dd. I think that since she says she needs counseling she has a good chance of recovery. Good Luck!

[In the Rain]

Rotten people will find any excuse to bully. Even if your daughter's list were actualized, they still would have found something to bully her. It is THEM not her. It is THEIR shortcoming and failures, not hers.

 

:iagree: but I know how hard it is to see your child be on the receiving end of such meanness. :grouphug:

[BatmansWife]

I am very sorry your dd went through that. I'm glad she's getting help and hope that she will start healing soon. :grouphug:

 

Cass, share this if you think it's appropriate. Pls don't if it isn't.

 

To Cass' Daughter

 

Dear One...........

 

..........I hope this makes sense. I put it out there, hoping it would help. If it doesn't, just disregard it. I do wish you all peace and healing.

 

Chris

 

Chris, I think it was very sweet of you to write this letter to Cass' dd. I am very sorry you had to endure all of this and that you had no help. It's just horrible what kids do to other kids. I hope that now that they are grown and possibly have children of their own...maybe they remember how mean they were and think how stupid they were...maybe they are sorry. Because you experienced this, you are now able to help others, like Cass' dd. I hope that helps you.....even in some small way. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Susan in TN]

:grouphug: I can only imagine the pain.

[smilesonly]

I'm sorry for your dd too, but I can't agree. Why let bullies ruin your life? Move on. Those reasons she gives for why she feels she was targeted by those girls make my mouth drop open. Like someone said, bullies are bullies and they'll get who they want to get no matter what the person is like or does or wears or says.

 

I agree she needs counseling but not because she was bullied. How long has it been? They are still controlling her and she is letting them. Shake it off. Not letting someone like that decide who you are going to be is something this girl needs to learn.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, which I probably do. I come off like that a lot. And maybe counseling would help. She sounds like she's drowning in self pity because of this, and there's no need.

 

Maybe I just don't get it.

 

you know, i've wondered the same-is it self pity? seeking attention? not shaking it off and moving on?

 

i don't think so. neither does the counselor i met with. as far as long this happened, she is in 9th gr and this happened in 6th. then again-to a much lesser degree-last year w/i a hsing group. then this year by a coach who has singled out dd and relentlessly belittled and humiliated her-this was witnessed by her teammates and other adults. the coach was fired. so, i think she has been victimized too much and too many times. it's not something she can just get over.

 

i don't think you're harsh, you sound like you don't know very much about bullying and the effects it can have on kids.:grouphug: this has been a learning experience for us and the learning is still in progress.

 

 

 

I hope your dd finds some help. I was bullied throughout school and it has affected my every last thought about myself even now at 33. It's very difficult to move on from. I wish I knew how to do that. I have found that even though I know that my bullies were just b*tches, that they were picking on me to make them selves feel better and really anyone could have been the target, it's still impossible to wipe away what they said and did and how it made me feel. It's all so ingrained in me that I believe it to be true at a really deep level, it has held me back in so many areas of my life. I can't separate it out from me. Not really sure how else to put it, being the victim of bullies is like a stain I can't wash off. I can understand acting out in another direction to try and placate those feelings, sort of quiet them, and give her a burst of power.

 

The most harmful thing I think people did was just telling me to put up with being bullied and not really acknowledging it. You sound like you are acknowledging it and getting your dd help so don't forget that is something a lot of parents don't ever do. You obviously are being proactive in helping your dd.

 

i'm so sorry!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

:grouphug:

 

The affects of bullying stay with a person lifelong. I was listening to the local news radio station a few months back and they did a story on victims and how their lives are affected. I have a the typical behaviors of an adult who experienced bullying. I sort of knew some of my thoughts and actions were related what I experienced 5-8 grades, but it was a small revelation to hear the research on it.

 

Both of my boys have been bullied. My oldest is 2E and many of his behaviors make him stand out. He's been in counseling. I think the affects of bullying are less of a problem for him now than his exceptionalities. My youngest has down syndrom and I recently wrote about that here. Thankfully, my dd has avoided being bullied so far.

 

You didn't fail your dd. In my experience kids don't talk about the situation and how bad it really is until they are out of it. I never told my parents anything, except the day I was physically beaten. My oldest didn't tell me until he was getting physically hit daily at school. It was after we removed him from school by about 6 months that things really started to come out. Not all schools let this stuff happen, but some do. Some schools still take the "we can't do anything about it" stance. As far at the school being Christian, I've seen really awful bullying among girls at a Christian homeschool coop. Some of my worst experiences have involved "Christians."

 

I hope that you find the right counselor for your dd. I think that since she says she needs counseling she has a good chance of recovery. Good Luck!

 

thx and i'm so sorry!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

(snip)

Maybe I just don't get it.

 

You're right. You don't get it.

 

would you tell someone with an injury that won't heal to just "move on", or to seek medical care?