Sheesh, I think I'm done with church

[joannqn]

I, too, hate the hand shake and say hi to your neighbor because you are told to. I'd rather someone greet me because they have a genuine desire to do so, on their own terms.

 

The hug thing wouldn't be tolerable to me. I don't even care for hugs from my own family very much. I've gotten to the point that I do receive and give hugs with family and good friends. Acquaintance hugs are very uncomfortable, and strangers were be awful.

[shinyhappypeople]

:grouphug:

 

Is it ironic that I deeply appreciate all the :grouphug:s I've gotten in this thread? Thanks :)

[shinyhappypeople]

Sounds like a post-traumatic stress reaction. So sorry about what happened. What might be a minor thing to someone who hasn't experienced a trauma isn't minor when you have experienced trauma and then had something like it happen. Your feelings are reasonable for what you've experienced even though the pastor probably had nothing but good motivations and is also probably clueless about how a minor thing can trigger past stuff. I've had this type of thing happen in a medical setting (where,for me, I was sexually traumatized so now things that wouldn't bother most other women or might cause annoyance can cause retraumatization for me.)

 

Exactly. I realize it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I know in my head that it wasn't personal. It was just so out of left field, I didn't have a chance to mentally prepare myself. I'm also kind of embarrassed I started this thread in the first place, but I needed an anonymous place to vent. Thanks for listening.

[Liz CA]

Our church does the "handshake" thing and I don't think it promotes anything. Everyone immediately forgets with whom they shook hands and those of us who are more introverted are not thrilled. Thanks for posting this - now I know I am not the only one. This morning I used that time slot to go to the bathroom...But I am not leaving because I like everything else and their hearts are in the right place.

 

What you experienced is even worse. Hugging strangers. Ugghhh. BUT having said all that I would not stop going to any and all churches. There are some who don't do this. If this is the only thing that bothers you about this church...go to the bathroom with all kids, it takes longer. :D Then come back for the sermon and children's church if that is how it works there. If you want to meet someone there are many other ways to accomplish this.

[sewingmama]

I'm so glad my church doesn't do things like that -I am so not into hugging other people.

 

I would leave too and find a church where you don't have to hug on command -to me it's a very weird thing to do.

[Guest chocolate]

I'm praying for you.

[linguistmama]

If you go to a Keillor-esque Lutheran church, I bet there wouldn't be any hugging. :001_smile:

 

:lol: I grew up near Keillor and my dad is in his same generation. I love that there is no group hugging at my church (LDS).

[LarlaB]

We do the handshake/greet someone dealio...I've never gotten to know anyone that way, but I suppose it does help to bring more of a corporate/group sense instead of letting every stay 'stuck' in their own world. ;)

 

I wouldn't be hugging-on-command though. No way. :eek:

[justamouse]

I almost want to find a church now and take my DH. I would really, really like see Mr. Uptight "People are Mostly Virulent, Especially in the Winter" faced with a room full of hugging people who believe in a god. I could youtube that and make MILLIONS. :D

:lol::lol: My Dh would have FLIPPED at all that hugging, too. Now how, no way. He would have put on his Don Corleone face and dared them to hug him.

 

OP I feel terrible for you, I know exactly how you would have felt. I cannot stand being hugged by other people (but yes, I'm extremely affectionate with my kids). If that was thrown on me, I might have left at that moment.

 

(Many times at Mass we just nod to eachother and say Peace be with you. I'm good with that.)

[gardenmom5]

I would have made me uncomfortable and I wouldn't have done it either. If it happened at my church - I'd be off to that pastor's superior to complain becasue it isn't "healthy".

 

we always had to "hug and kiss" my grandmother on command - and call her to report our safe arrival. It wasn't normal.

Edited November 14, 2011 by gardenmom5

[AK_Mom4]

Sorry.... it sounds very unpleasant for you. We do the passing of the peace in our church - often shaking hands, but nodding is also acceptable.

 

I would probably be excusing myself to visit the restroom if they tried that hugging thing at our church. I am not fond of physcial contact with strangers.

[MamaSheep]

I would have opted not to participate too. That kind of thing just seems so intrusive and superficial to me, and makes me absolutely flinch inside.

 

Our church doesn't do that sort of thing. We definitely do a lot of hand shaking, hugging good friends, greeting newcomers, etc. before and after the service, but that's genuine friendliness on whatever terms each person is comfortable with, and not forced physical contact under pressure and public scrutiny as part of the service. Every time I visit a church where they do the "sign of peace", or "passing the peace", "greeting" or whatever they call it in that particular group, it just feels so fake and awkward and superficial. Obligatory hugging would be dreadful! It makes me glad to go back "home" where such greetings are personal and meaningful and comfortable and on my own terms. (And I do feel "at home" when visiting other congregations of my faith as well, because I find that same genuine friendliness.) It's on my long list of "Things I'm Glad My Church Does The Way It Does".

 

With that said, though, I would also encourage you to give your nerves a few days to unjangle before making any final decision about quitting church. Make it a rational decision, not an emotional knee-jerk reaction. It sounds like that sort of thing isn't the regular, weekly procedure for that church. You might be able to talk with the pastor and tell him how traumatic that kind of thing is for you. He might be willing to call you in advance and give you a heads-up if he's planning on doing it again, so you can decide in advance how to handle it, and not have it sprung on you all unexpectedly like that. Or he might be willing to preface the whole thing with some kind of qualifier like, "those of you who are comfortable doing so, give your neighbor a hug", or "those of you who don't need a quiet moment of prayer just now, please give your neighbor a hug", so that you and others for whom hugging strangers is a problem have some other socially acceptable recourse. Or as others have suggested, it might be the last straw for THIS church, but that doesn't mean you have to give up church altogether. There are churches out there that do things differently from the way your current pastor arranges things. You're welcome to come to my church. You can sit next to me, and we can comfortably NOT get touchy with each other. :) But really, wait a little while for the adrenaline to get out of your system and the shock to wear off, and then think it through. You'll be happier in the long run with whatever decision you make.

Edited November 14, 2011 by MamaSheep

[MamaSheep]

:lol::lol: My Dh would have FLIPPED at all that hugging, too. Now how, no way. He would have put on his Don Corleone face and dared them to hug him.

...

 

I was picturing my Aspie son in that situation. He would not have stopped at a Don Corleone face (though he has a really good one that he turns on whenever I say "grammar" or "dishwasher"). On a good day he would only shove everyone roughly away from him in his panic-stricken dash for the door. On a bad day there would be a lot of yelling, and he might go into "fight" mode instead of "flight" mode and hurt somebody. He has big "people issues" due to past trauma at school (most people would not have found it traumatic, but because of his particular neurological situation it was traumatic for him). It takes a lot for him just to even be there. I don't know that I'd ever get him to go again if there was mass hugging. As it is, we sit by the wall, near the door, just in case. Today a couple sang a beautiful duet, accompanied by a piano and violin. Ds HATES violins. He says the sound is like fingernails on a chalkboard for him. It makes his skin crawl and his bones vibrate. So when I saw her walking up with the violin, I suggested that he might like to wait out in the hallway for a few minutes until the music was over. He didn't have to be told twice, I tell ya. Hugs would be infinitely worse. He doesn't even let me hug him.

Edited November 14, 2011 by MamaSheep

[Georgiana Daniels]

Bleh, bleh, bleh!

 

OP, your situation makes me cringe. I LOATHE touchy feely time.

 

Our church has "half-time" where we are supposed to socialize in the middle of the service. I almost stopped going because of it, but we have stayed on because the good outweighs this.

 

But if you want to find me during half-time, I'll be in the bathroom.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I'm very tactile, very huggy and very affectionate and I hate the group hug/handshake/forced thing. HATE IT! It is so awkward and insincere!

[cbollin]

 

And thus the hugging party began. For the record, no one hugged me because

 

 

I'm glad that later in the thread, you were encouraged by supportive cyber hugs and had a place to vent it all.

 

I'm equally glad to know that the congregation at your church respected your wishes to not be physically hugged.

Some of them probably know your story and know that to hug you would be the opposite of what they intended. Maybe the "no one" who hugged you just read your body language and realized that it wouldn't be received well. I know yesterday at our church the pastor was telling people to hug the neck of a veteran as a way to say thanks. And it was obvious the guy behind us preferred just a hand shake or the words thank you. ok. no problem sir.

 

community building is tough.

 

-crystal

[nono]

I'm very tactile, very huggy and very affectionate and I hate the group hug/handshake/forced thing. HATE IT! It is so awkward and insincere!

 

 

Yeah. It's in the same category as "forced fun*" at work. It never was.

 

 

*It's been long enough that I'm out of the workforce that I forget the official HR term for it.

[Tess in the Burbs]

our little church is huggy and I just got a call this week that if someone isn't opening their arms to hug, don't hug. If they don't have a hand out to shake, don't shake. Basically, if they aren't a regular attending person don't assume they want to hug/shake hands. I guess it bothered someone.

 

Now if I could only convince some people to hug shorter it would be ok .....

 

 

not every church does this so keep looking :grouphug:

[mom4him]

I have read many of your posts. This seems so strange to me. A hug has been a part of all of the churches I have been a part of since I started going to churches that really preached the Bible. There have been individuals in different churches that I did not allow to get close to me but in general it has always been a very natural part of our church family. I understand where many of you are coming from when there has been violation/abuse and if you make your desires know to not have a hug or even a hand shake offered, in any of the churches I have been involved in that would have been honored.

 

Now saying that I will let you know that I am a huggy sort of person. I love the appropriate human touch. I have seen great healing take place in my own daughter through multiple hugs given every day.

 

My prayer for many of you is that your heart be healed of the hurt and violation that you have experienced.

[*Inna*]

Our church does the "Go and greet your neighbor". Some shake hands, some hug or just smile. I've gotten used to it, but initially it was very hard to be touched by people I've never met.

 

Some Sundays I find an urgent business in the nursery, when I know they about to launch the meet-and-greet. ;)

[Little Nyssa]

I just wanted to mention, since several PPs have mentioned that the 'kiss of peace' and 'passing the peace' are ancient customs-- that, most likely, in the ancient church men and women would have been seated/standing in separate areas of the church. That changes the dynamic, I think, and makes it less uncomfortable.

[annandatje]

The girls and I have been going to this place for the past year and a half.

 

I admit that this is a little thing. Just a teeny-tiny thing.

 

I'm probably over-reacting.

 

I know that the service isn't all about me, nor do I expect them to consider my feelings when doing new "funny" things.

 

But.... ugh.

 

Here's what went down.

 

Everyone was already standing up and the pastor asks, "How much do you love God? Do you love him this much?" (spreads arms out wide. The entire congregation - except me and a few other rebels - does the same). "You can't love God without loving others so keep your arms open and hug the people around you!"

 

And thus the hugging party began. For the record, no one hugged me because my arms weren't opened and I probably looked as horrified as I felt. But still... blech. This is a thousand times worse than the annoying "shake hands with the person next to you and say hello," that most churches do.

 

This - even though my brain acknowledges that it was not about me, not directed toward me - this felt like a slap in the face. I've posted some stuff in the past about former pastors taking certain liberties with me, not honoring boundaries, etc. that I'm not gonna rehash here. Well, Capt. Huggyface up on the platform knows all about what happened to me. He saw me there this morning. So, to have the threat of this over the top, physical demonstration kind of thrust upon me felt hurtful.

 

I know it wasn't about me or directed toward me. The service doesn't - and shouldn't - have to revolve around me or what makes me comfortable. I need to not take things so personally. I need to lighten up. I get that. Please don't stomp on my feelings for sharing this. I'm just mad.

 

And I don't know how to ever go back. It's been *so hard* to keep going this past year and a half. I've come a long way in terms of church anxiety (it went from being almost debilitating to very low, very manageable levels). I've made huge, awesome strides. But today kicked me in the butt. I just feel... done.

 

Thanks for listening. Please be gentle with me. I'm having kind of a bad day.

 

 

Coerced displays of affection make me uncomfortable too. The nickname "Capt. Huggyface" made me giggle. Could you find a more ... not sure what the word is ... a more formal church?

[dansamy]

We're hugging folk. Doesn't bother me (obviously), but I can respect that others aren't as touchy-feely.

[nono]

I have read many of your posts. This seems so strange to me. A hug has been a part of all of the churches I have been a part of since I started going to churches that really preached the Bible. There have been individuals in different churches that I did not allow to get close to me but in general it has always been a very natural part of our church family. I understand where many of you are coming from when there has been violation/abuse and if you make your desires know to not have a hug or even a hand shake offered, in any of the churches I have been involved in that would have been honored.

 

Now saying that I will let you know that I am a huggy sort of person. I love the appropriate human touch. I have seen great healing take place in my own daughter through multiple hugs given every day.

 

Oh, I'm a touchy person too, and am in a very friendly, small parish! However, nothing is forced. People mill around the whole church during the Kiss of Peace, and I get/give many kisses, hugs, etc. However, we also have folks who dislike being touched. So we respect that. Of course, this has developed into its own style, and I cracked a visiting woman up a couple weeks back when one of my non-touchy parishioner friends came back to say "Peace." It's developed into a routine where we look like we're rushing to embrace each other, but we stop like we've both hit an invisible wall between us and say "Peace!!!!!!!!" with intensity. Since it respects her comfort level, it is as warm as any other embrace I receive. :)

 

The forced aspect the OP is describing just rings so hollow to me.

[Brigitte]

Given your level of anxiety, could you check out a liturgical denomination? You'd probably still have to shake hands, but you'd know when it's coming and you'd never have something sprung on you out of the blue.

 

And it is perfectly acceptable to simply make eye contact and greet the person, say "peace be with you." etc. without having skin to skin contact. If I have been sick, I don't shake hands, but I do acknowledge those around me during the greeting and during peace. It is pretty common in our church for people to not shake hands. The point is the greeting not the physical contact.

[Frontier Mom]

That is the best time for a bathroom break.

[Lolly]

I actually like the greeting your neighbor and shaking their hand ritual. But to HUG someone you don't know during cold and flu season (or not)!? No thank you. I don't blame you.

 

Funny, I'd much rather hug someone than shake hands with them. Shaking hands give me the heebie jeebies. Hugs, well, no problem. :lol:

[Alison in KY]

I'm surprised by all those that don't hug or even handshake...I'd never considered that, but yet again, the WTM is educating me:001_smile:

 

We handshake, hug, love on, etc, mostly I know the people, but sometimes they are total strangers. If someone there is uncomfortable with that, then I try to be respectful of their feelings. I've actually had a complete stranger cry on me because I went up and gave her a hug...it was apparently just what she needed.

 

Often we're called out of our comfort zone to go and pray for others in the church body. I was not used to it when it happened the first few times, I had no idea what to say. But doing that, going to a total stranger and praying for them, has definitely made me bolder. It's helped me not be to freaked out when I'm out in public and I think God wants me to pray for someone...and I've actually gone way out of my comfort zone and done that a few times. With the person's permission of course.

 

Alison

 

Oh, and Scarlett, I'd totally hug you...and your gun toting son too :lol:

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[Scarlett]

Oh, and Scarlett, I'd totally hug you...and your gun toting son too :lol:

 

 

:glare:

 

:D

[HeidiKC]

It could have been worse. Mennonite churches practice the holy kiss.

 

What's that??

[Penny_P]

Ick! I sort of cringe during the handshake portion. Then I make sure that we use hand-sanitizer on the way out. I suppose if you are part of this community and it was a one time event, I wouldn't worry about it.

[Impish]

Hugging or handshaking would have me in screaming, physical pain.

[KRG]

I think all the hand-shaking, hugging or those everybody gather hands are a big part of why we don't attend a church. At home we are all very huggy but out and about we all definitely need our space and that type of closeness puts us all on edge.

[Bluegoat]

I'm very affectionate, but also introverted, but those hugs/handshake things make me cringe.

 

I think designated moments for sharing those gestures tend to be insincere and contrived. That isn't to say that we never have to out of ourselves - I often have to go out of my comfort zone after church or if I am on nursery duty to talk to new people. But I think trying to make those things happen on command is a bit like those stupid team-building exercises which always seem to get in the way of actually doing work and developing a team.

 

I'm glad we don't do that stuff in my church (they are out there OP!)

 

I also think, from a liturgical POV, that they are kind of inappropriate.

[2_girls_mommy]

I am not a hugger. I have space issues too. Ask my dh. It kills him that when he comes in for an unexpected hug or kiss that I recoil. I don't mean to. I just have to be prepared for it coming. :lol:

 

But honestly the situation described would not bother me as much as it does you. I might not do it. Or I might give a little ok, here's your pat on the back, not too close hug... I wouldn't be comfortable. I am not when my hugger friends hug me either. I give them a little light pat on the back, because I know they are expressing love their way. But I am not comfortable with it.

 

I know I wouldn't switch from a congregation for that if it was a one time deal. (You might mention to the pastor that not everyone is comfortable hugging others, so he doesn't make it a regular thing, though.)

 

But others may actually really benefit from that and like it.

[mamakimberly]

I worked at a Vida Nueva weekend last year. If you're not familiar with the Vida weekends, it is a retreat for high school students. The kids are told on one night "before you can leave the room, you have to give 40 hugs!" or something inane like that.

 

It was so beyond uncomfortable to me. I tried to get out of the room but there were so many people... I ended up being hugged against my will over and over. I was so NOT comfortable with the whole thing and I was there as an adult leader!!

 

Anyway, after that the kids continue to hug US and each other when they see each other at school and throughout the rest of the weekend. Yuck.

 

Anyway, SO sorry! I hate hate fake contrived fakeyfakeyness!