How do you handle an ungrateful child: Advise Please!

[mafi39]

I have two children. They both have birthdays this week. We have already celebrated my daughters and my sons is today. We have a tradition that we get up really early with that child and they get to open their presents right then (we will have a party later today with family).

 

For my daughters birthday, my son was kind of a brat. He wanted to play with her new stuff and when she told him no, he pouted, cried, etc. I warned him to straighten up or we could arrange for him to stay somewhere else for the party.

 

This morning when we brought him his presents, his reaction was very disappointing. He asked for legos for his birthday (no specifics, just legos) So we got him this big huge kinex/ lego tub of stuff to build with. He was like, "awww, this isn't what I wanted, I wanted lego people." We also got him this melissa doug cool sticker book ( we had also gotten his sister the female version of this book) and he was like, "oh, well I knew I would get that anyway." My husband was furious. He is a very hard working man and feels our son was being "an ungrateful brat". He wants to take the blocks away. I feel I have failed to foster gratefulness in my child. My daughter was very appreciative with her gifts. She asked for barbies and we got her roller blades and she never complained.

 

I know it's hard on him to watch his sister have her birthday first, but his behavior here lately has been really disappointing. I don't like it one bit.

 

How would you handle this situation? What can we do to instill this character trait in our child? I know for the party that some of my family is getting him legos. I so don't want him to embarrass us with a bratty reaction. Advice please!

[MeghanL]

I think practicing the correct responses might work. I read in a magazine somewhere (I forget which one or when), that the mother wrapped up a bunch of junk (rubber bands, paper clips, trash bags) and then they took turns opening them and finding something grateful to say about each. By making it a game, it's not as intense as a long lecture. And it would be good practice for the party in expressing thankfulness.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I had to have a talk with my boys about presents. They needed to understand that presents were optional, not something to be expected, and that they need to appreciate the fact that they were given anything, because the giver is not obligated to do so- even parents.

 

We still practice appropriate responses to gifts before every birthday and holiday.

[justasque]

I love the PP's idea of role-playing. Make sure your ds understands that there is nothing wrong with *feeling* disappointed when getting a gift, it is the *behavior* that is inappropriate. It is not appropriate to express that feeling because it will be upsetting to the giver, etc.

[Catherine]

It's when they are overindulged that they behave this way. So I've cut back on special treats, taken them out less, etc. I also point out that gifts are not an entitlement. Whenever it can be immediate, that helps-like dinner-if there are any complaints, I remove their plate. Not forever, but long enough that we can have a short talk about privilege.

[merry gardens]

I think practicing the correct responses might work. I read in a magazine somewhere (I forget which one or when), that the mother wrapped up a bunch of junk (rubber bands, paper clips, trash bags) and then they took turns opening them and finding something grateful to say about each. By making it a game, it's not as intense as a long lecture. And it would be good practice for the party in expressing thankfulness.

I love this idea!!!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

My daughter loves surprises, and loves anything given to her. You could wrap a lollipop inside a refrigerator box and she's happy for a year. Ds on the other hand hates surprises, and is disappointed easiely.

 

He picks out his presents on Amazon, and I usually don't wrap them. I will get him one surprise to go with everything, but it'll match the theme he picked out. So for this year, he picked out a few Lego sets, mostly aliens, so I got one more alien set to go with it. When he has parties, he never opens gifts in front of people. His initial reaction is usually poor, but he ends up loving whatever the gift is.

 

My son and I are really into Legos. He likes the people, I love to build the sets. I would be extremely disappointed if someone got me K'nex. I hate k'nex.

 

I am teching my son to appreciate what he does get, but it's a long process. The hardest part is that people ASK him what he wants, then get him something completely different.

[Amber in SJ]

This is why we don't do wish lists for Christmas or birthdays, at least when the kids are little. It keeps them so focused on what they want that even if they get a great present there is disappointment because it wasn't on the list.

 

I love the idea of role playing.

 

We give the "be grateful' talk every year on our way to MIL's place for Christmas. It is necessary because she plays favorites & there is always a wild disparity in gifts. A couple of years ago my ds got 32 Matchbox cars, a rolling case for them, and a large garage, wrapped in 4-5 different packages. My youngest dd got a dollar store lip gloss, next dd got a package of men's tube socks, and my oldest dd got a box of baking soda. Yeah. It was awesome. Because she has been doing this for years it has morphed into a huge joke. The girls thank her politely, and then we race out to the car and giggle like maniacs. We have a lively debate about who got the worst gift (one year the other DIL got a full set of gourmet cookware and I got a supermarket calorie counting guide) and whoever wins gets to pick where we stoop for dinner on the way home.

 

A gift isn't meant to be something we want, rather it is something the giver wanted us to have.

 

Amber in SJ

[Wendi]

Some people are wired to be glass-half-empty and perfectionist types. It's hard for them, because they build up expectations that never seem to be met. I think the idea of practicing finding something good to say is important, since it sounds like he wouldn't be able to think that way on his own.

 

Lots of talks about being thankful, realizing that no one is obligated to give a gift, etc., will eventually sink in. He'll mature as well.

 

Wendi

[myfunnybunch]

I would just treat it like any other manners issue.

 

A gift is a gift. You always thank the giver in appreciation for the fact that he or she thought of you.

 

I'd let him know Mom and Dad's feelings were hurt because you took time and love to choose something you thought he'd enjoy. Even if it wasn't what he'd pictured in his head, the gracious thing to do is say thank you. If he's a child who does not deal well with the unexpected, some coaching on how to approach that with you politely (for example, he could come to Mom later and ask nicely, "I had been hoping for some Lego people too. How might I earn the money to buy some/can I put them on my Christmas list?")

 

And throughout the year, in preparation for next year, I'd practice celebrating sister's sucesses and helping both children enjoy one another's happiness so that he's able to handle her birthday and his better next year.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

Edited November 3, 2011 by myfunnybunch

[Little Nyssa]

Sounds to me like he was really wound up waiting for his birthday. I think eve the best behaved child might get impatient when he has to sit through sib's birthday first. Wound up=impatient=cranky=bratty. I bet he will enjoy the toys once he calms down. If it were my DS I would use time out and quiet time liberally until the party. I wouldn't take anything away. And I would consider whether some years it might be possible to celebrate the birthdays together, or his first.

[Marylou]

This is why we don't do wish lists for Christmas or birthdays, at least when the kids are little. It keeps them so focused on what they want that even if they get a great present there is disappointment because it wasn't on the list.

 

I love the idea of role playing.

 

We give the "be grateful' talk every year on our way to MIL's place for Christmas. It is necessary because she plays favorites & there is always a wild disparity in gifts. A couple of years ago my ds got 32 Matchbox cars, a rolling case for them, and a large garage, wrapped in 4-5 different packages. My youngest dd got a dollar store lip gloss, next dd got a package of men's tube socks, and my oldest dd got a box of baking soda. Yeah. It was awesome. Because she has been doing this for years it has morphed into a huge joke. The girls thank her politely, and then we race out to the car and giggle like maniacs. We have a lively debate about who got the worst gift (one year the other DIL got a full set of gourmet cookware and I got a supermarket calorie counting guide) and whoever wins gets to pick where we stoop for dinner on the way home.

 

A gift isn't meant to be something we want, rather it is something the giver wanted us to have.

 

Amber in SJ

 

Okay, the curiosity is killing me! What was your dd supposed to do with baking soda?

[Nakia]

Role playing is what we have done in the past. It's only been a problem once with one child though. If we had an ongoing problem, I would take away whatever they were ungrateful for until their attitude improved.

[Momof3littles]

Sounds to me like he was really wound up waiting for his birthday. I think eve the best behaved child might get impatient when he has to sit through sib's birthday first. Wound up=impatient=cranky=bratty. I bet he will enjoy the toys once he calms down. If it were my DS I would use time out and quiet time liberally until the party. I wouldn't take anything away.

:iagree:

 

ITA w/ the role-playing suggestion. I think most of this is a maturity issue. That doesn't mean you shouldn't work on it, but I don't think you should assign the ungrateful label to him either. It is okay IMO to feel what he feels, so I'd work on the role playing and working on polite acceptance of gifts (even when they aren't what you want). As an adult, honestly, there are times I open a gift and my heart sinks a tiny bit because perhaps it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for. That doesn't mean I'm ungrateful. I appreciate the gift, and of course always find something nice to say, and am thankful the giver thought of me. I don't think it is uncommon for adults to kind of have preferences for gifts. The difference is that we have the maturity and the experience (and practice) in reframing the moment and focusing on the gesture.

Edited November 3, 2011 by Momof3littles

[bzymom]

It is funny how this is a harder skill for some kids than others. But it is a skill, and takes practice.

 

Before a birthday party, I would remind the birthday child how lovely it was that anyone would take time to celebrate with him/her and put time, money and energy into choosing a gift, and I expected them to show their gratitude for that more than concern for the actual gift. We would use silly examples, like "What would you say if Grandmom gave you a banana?" "What would you do if you opened a giant box and found it was full of underwear?". The kids would all laugh and practice sincerely thanking the person for their thoughtfulness.

 

Some need more reminders and practice than others. And they have never been permitted to play with a gift, spend a gift card, etc., until the thank you note is written satisfactorily.

[Guest submarines]

:iagree:

 

ITA w/ the role-playing suggestion. I think most of this is a maturity issue. That doesn't mean you shouldn't work on it, but I don't think you should assign the ungrateful label to him either. It is okay IMO to feel what he feels, so I'd work on the role playing and working on polite acceptance of gifts (even when they aren't what you want).

 

:iagree:

[dhudson]

I like he idea of role playing. I think if we role play with our kids then they can see and model the right behavior. I would also have a gentle talk about how ungrateful words can be hurtful.

 

All that said, the best thing we ever did to help our kids is take them to homeless shelters to help feed meals, and to several orphanages in Mexico. We also love to do Operation Christmas Child and research what kids needs are around the world. Without my saying anything at all, my kids began to realize hoe ordinate they are and began to be far more grateful fo all they have. For long term planning, I would start looking for opportunities for my kids to serve.

Edited November 3, 2011 by dhudson

[PeterPan]

I would take the toys away, but not punitively, more matter of fact. It wasn't what he wanted? No problem, return them and use the money to buy something else. I personally don't take what he said as ungrateful but merely the truth. But like another responder, I never encouraged wishlists or asking for things for holidays, and I didn't allow her to ask for things in stores. I allow ds to ask, but that's because he's so utterly adorable about it, haha. Anyways, I totally agree that you set him up.

 

I also would rethink, and this is just me, doing the presents first. Maybe you're a little impatient? I mean if you don't want the stuff to be the center of attention but rather the love, then why do the stuff first? We have the party, the love, the hugs, and do the stuff later.

 

But sure, take the stuff back. It wasn't what he wanted. My mother solves that entirely with my dd by giving her the money and taking her shopping. They have fun seeing how far they can stretch the allotted $35. You might try that. Might be a fun way to make the negative experience you had more positive. :)

 

BTW, you don't teach gratitude--you model it. How do you receive presents? Are you over the top and more focused on the giver than the gift? Just something to think about.

Edited November 3, 2011 by OhElizabeth

[Pippen]

When we were dealing with a similar situation here what I felt was best for the child was to meet him where he was at and help to nudge him along to where I wanted him to be. We don't have a lot, and consequently there weren't a lot of toys coming in for a specific child outside of bdays and Christmas. So for gifts from Mom and Dad we asked for lists with reasonably priced items and make every attempt to get them what they want as opposed to what we're guessing they might like. One year when it was really an issue we shopped and wrapped together. (This is for a kid who hates surprises).

 

When it comes to gifts from outside the family we absolutely insist on a polite response to the giver. When they were younger we drilled correct responses, especially on the way to the family Christmas and bday gatherings.

 

I'd also keep in mind that people interpret gifts differently. For some the act of picking out something they think someone else might like is really meaningful while for others the experience of getting what they really wanted is what really speaks to them.

[Alessandra]

I don't know if this will help, but we like models of ungrateful kids -- Dudley in the first Harry Potter movie is horrible about his b'day presents. Some of the kids in the movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory are super greedy -- and suffer because of it. We talk about this in relation to the "entitled" kids we know IRL.

 

I also read aloud newspaper articles about places where kids/people don't have much. Recently there was a deadly fire in the slums of Nairobi -- people were rushing towards a gasoline spill in order to fill containers.

 

I think it helps to prepare kids for what they will (or won't) get. For our family, it helps to have a mix of surprises and gifts that dc have chosen specifically. I'll often ask if they'd like the big ___ set, even if it means fewer other presents, giving them some sense of control. I'll share with them that I am researching their presents, looking in stores, internet. If I find a lot of great ideas (or they have a lot of ideas, we open a file for the next b'day or holiday.)

 

If it were me, I'd take ds to exchange his legos. I wouldn't talk about gratitude right away. I'd wait until a month or so before the next present giving time and prepare him.

Edited November 3, 2011 by Alessandra

[Mothersweets]

.

 

We give the "be grateful' talk every year on our way to MIL's place for Christmas. It is necessary because she plays favorites & there is always a wild disparity in gifts. A couple of years ago my ds got 32 Matchbox cars, a rolling case for them, and a large garage, wrapped in 4-5 different packages. My youngest dd got a dollar store lip gloss, next dd got a package of men's tube socks, and my oldest dd got a box of baking soda. Yeah. It was awesome. Because she has been doing this for years it has morphed into a huge joke. The girls thank her politely, and then we race out to the car and giggle like maniacs. We have a lively debate about who got the worst gift (one year the other DIL got a full set of gourmet cookware and I got a supermarket calorie counting guide) and whoever wins gets to pick where we stoop for dinner on the way home.

 

A gift isn't meant to be something we want, rather it is something the giver wanted us to have.

 

Amber in SJ

 

Sorry, but this is hilarious (in a crazy sort of way)! :lol: I'm sorry your MIL is like this, but I think your family's reaction to it is perfect. Men's tube socks? Baking soda?! Seriously?!

[Kathleen in VA]

Someone else mentioned that this is a skill. I got to thinking about that and decided that graciousness is a skill, but true gratefulness must be genuinely felt in the heart - it can't really be taught. I think the other posters who suggested ways of responding graciously to receiving a gift got it spot on. You need to teach your son to respond graciously no matter what the gift is.

 

As far as gratefulness goes, well, you can model that, but I think that is something someone works out in their own mind and heart and it takes maturity. Many adults lack gratefulness so it doesn't surprise me that an 8yo hasn't acquired any. He's very young and is still learning. Show him how grateful you are for everything you've got - food, clothes, a warm house, safety, kind deeds offered to you by others, etc. and he'll catch on.

[homebody2k]

He asked for legos for his birthday (no specifics, just legos) So we got him this big huge kinex/ lego tub of stuff to build with. He was like, "awww, this isn't what I wanted, I wanted lego people." . Advice please!

 

just pointing out that according to this he asked for LEGOS and you got him kinex.

 

If he i really into legos I can see why he was disappointed - If you aren't planning to buy him what he asked for you probably shouldn't ask him what he wants.

 

That's like asking for a book by Shakespeare and getting a book by James Patterson. They might both be really nice books, but they aren't both what you asked for.

 

But yes he should be grateful for any gift and you have gotten some great tips.

 

s

[twoforjoy]

FWIW, when my sister was about 6 or 7, we both got Cabbage Patch dolls for Christmas. Hers was bald. She threw the world's biggest, brattiest tantrum over not getting the kind of Cabbage Patch doll she'd wanted--and that was one of those years when parents were like trampling each other to get to the Cabbage Patch dolls and you were lucky if you found one. That is a Christmas of family legend, and we all laugh about it now.

 

She is, as an adult, one of the most gracious (and generous) people I know. I know few people who are as enthusiastically thankful for even terrible gifts as she is.

 

So, I think a lot of it is being a kid. I think as long as gratefulness is modeled for him, and he's encouraged to be grateful, I think he'll learn the social nuances that go along with receiving gifts as he gets older. I imagine it's a maturity issue much more than a character one.

[Catwoman]

just pointing out that according to this he asked for LEGOS and you got him kinex.

 

If he i really into legos I can see why he was disappointed - If you aren't planning to buy him what he asked for you probably shouldn't ask him what he wants.

 

That's like asking for a book by Shakespeare and getting a book by James Patterson. They might both be really nice books, but they aren't both what you asked for.

 

But yes he should be grateful for any gift and you have gotten some great tips.

 

s

 

:iagree:

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you and your dh are taking this too personally. Your ds really wanted Lego stuff, specifically Lego mini-figures, so I can absolutely understand why he would have been disappointed in a big tub of K'Nex, or even with a big Lego set that wasn't what he had in mind. You chose what you thought he would like, but you goofed. No big deal. Return the K'Nex to the store, and let your ds buy what he wants with the money.

 

You also mentioned that your dd wanted Barbie dolls, yet you bought her rollerblades. Fortunately, she liked them, but I'm not sure why you didn't just buy the Barbie stuff, or the Rollerblades plus an inexpensive Barbie. Are you sure she wasn't disappointed about not getting a Barbie? Personally, I would have been, if it was what I'd been asking for.

 

Certainly, kids need to learn how to accept gifts graciously, but I know that I would prefer that my son be honest with me if he doesn't like a gift, rather than sucking it up and pretending to be grateful. I want to get him things he likes, and if I make a poor choice (BTDT! :tongue_smilie:) he knows he can return the gift for something he really wants. He has never been rude or nasty about receiving something he doesn't like -- he is appreciative of the fact that I went out and bought something for him -- but I wouldn't expect him to automatically like a gift just because my dh or I picked it out for him.

 

Now, I have to say that I would be very angry if my ds was anything less than gracious when receiving a gift from anyone but me -- he knows enough to always say thank you and to tell the giftgiver that he loves the present, and if he was rude, I would be mortified.

 

Again, I think your son is just being a normal, honest kid, and that you and your dh may be a little over-sensitive to the fact that he simply didn't like the gift you bought for him. Perhaps next time, you should pay more attention to what he says he wants, rather than trying to make his choices for him.

Edited November 3, 2011 by Catwoman

[Catwoman]

It's when they are overindulged that they behave this way.

 

I disagree.

 

My ds is definitely overindulged, but he is also gracious, polite, and kindhearted. If he doesn't like a gift that I have given him, he still thanks me for it, but will tell me that he would have preferred something else instead, so we return it and he uses the money for whatever he wants.

 

Overindulged does not necessarily equal spoiled brat. You can have a lot of stuff and still be a great person, and you can also have very little of anything and be a rude little brat. I don't think it's the "stuff" as much as the behavior that the kids learn from the examples set by their parents. If the parents are obnoxious and have a sense of entitlement, their kids are often the same way.

[twoforjoy]

Overindulged does not necessarily equal spoiled brat. You can have a lot of stuff and still be a great person, and you can also have very little of anything and be a rude little brat. I don't think it's the "stuff" as much as the behavior that the kids learn from the examples set by their parents. If the parents are obnoxious and have a sense of entitlement, their kids are often the same way.

 

Yup. I know overindulged kids who are amazingly thankful and gracious. I know kids with very little who show no gratitude when given something. And vice versa.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

He doesn't sound ungrateful to me, just disappointed. This is a great opportunity to talk to him about it, help him work through his disappointment, discuss possible solutions (which could include enjoying the gifts he received and maybe getting a few mini-figures to go with the legos) and better ways to express that in the future. He should be able to express it though and not be called ungrateful or have his gifts taken away.

[twoforjoy]

I just wanted to add, I think this is a danger of asking kids what they want as a present. They're going to have certain expectations, and that will possibly lead to (understandable) disappointment. There are certainly more and less appropriate ways to express that disappointment, and kids will learn that, but I wouldn't fault the child for feeling disappointed.

 

We'll either not ask at all and just tell DS he's getting a surprise, or we allow him to pick out exactly what he wants. Usually we do a combination of both, and he'll get a present that he picked out, and then a few things smaller that DH and I chose.

[Sparkle]

This is why we don't do wish lists for Christmas or birthdays, at least when the kids are little. It keeps them so focused on what they want that even if they get a great present there is disappointment because it wasn't on the list.

 

I love the idea of role playing.

 

We give the "be grateful' talk every year on our way to MIL's place for Christmas. It is necessary because she plays favorites & there is always a wild disparity in gifts. A couple of years ago my ds got 32 Matchbox cars, a rolling case for them, and a large garage, wrapped in 4-5 different packages. My youngest dd got a dollar store lip gloss, next dd got a package of men's tube socks, and my oldest dd got a box of baking soda. Yeah. It was awesome. Because she has been doing this for years it has morphed into a huge joke. The girls thank her politely, and then we race out to the car and giggle like maniacs. We have a lively debate about who got the worst gift (one year the other DIL got a full set of gourmet cookware and I got a supermarket calorie counting guide) and whoever wins gets to pick where we stoop for dinner on the way home.

 

A gift isn't meant to be something we want, rather it is something the giver wanted us to have.

 

Amber in SJ

 

Oh my gosh, Amber, you have a great sense of humor about it! With something like that, I guess you just gotta laugh, it's so crazy. :lol:

[Mom-ninja.]

Look into physical issues. Really. DH and I were fed up with my son's bad, ungratefule attitude. It got to the point that we knew it was coming, and we would brace ourselves for it.

 

On Christmas one year, after opening presents, he started crying and asking, "Is that all?" and "I didn't have a very good day." We were furious.

 

We dreaded taking him to fun places. We'd go to the park, and when it was time to leave he would complain that he never had a chance to play.

 

I would make a meal that he asked for such as on his birthday, and he would complain that something was not cooked right or he didn't have enough of it.

 

He would make up things to complain about when he couldn't come up with something.

 

Then one day while he was at his Dr. for an eye check up, I casually asked what I could do about his chronic dry, chapped lips. She sent us to an ENT which I thought was pretty dumb. I went anyway.

 

Turns out his adenoids were so enlarged that they were blocking over 50% of his nasal passages. After some questions the ENT told me that my ds wan't sleeping, and his adenoids needed to come out.

 

I was dumbfounded. After much soul searching with DH, we agreed to the surgery. We were both doubtful that his adenoids could cause such behavior issues. We decided to trust the Dr. as he was convinced this was my son's problem.

 

He was right.

 

My ds was not getting any deep restorative sleep. He was walking around every single day with heavy sleep deprivation.

 

Since the surgery, he has not gone back to his previous ungrateful, complaining behavior.

 

Of course, my ds is not perfect. :001_smile: However, things are much much better than they were.

 

So just something to think about.

[Annie G]

This is why we don't do wish lists for Christmas or birthdays, at least when the kids are little. It keeps them so focused on what they want that even if they get a great present there is disappointment because it wasn't on the list.

 

I love the idea of role playing.

 

We give the "be grateful' talk every year on our way to MIL's place for Christmas. It is necessary because she plays favorites & there is always a wild disparity in gifts. A couple of years ago my ds got 32 Matchbox cars, a rolling case for them, and a large garage, wrapped in 4-5 different packages. My youngest dd got a dollar store lip gloss, next dd got a package of men's tube socks, and my oldest dd got a box of baking soda. Yeah. It was awesome. Because she has been doing this for years it has morphed into a huge joke. The girls thank her politely, and then we race out to the car and giggle like maniacs. We have a lively debate about who got the worst gift (one year the other DIL got a full set of gourmet cookware and I got a supermarket calorie counting guide) and whoever wins gets to pick where we stoop for dinner on the way home.

 

A gift isn't meant to be something we want, rather it is something the giver wanted us to have.

 

Amber in SJ

 

I really love how you handle this!!!

[SweetMissMagnolia]

even though my ds isn't being mean when he does it (he has apserger's and doesn't understand other people's feeling yet)---he has done that in the past of "criticizing" a gift after opening it.....Every year/occassion,I warn him about being nice and saying thankyou and saying you like the present even though he might not LOL......it's soooooo hard....:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

What do the siblings buy each other for their respective birthdays?

 

Rosie

[Danestress]

I would not escalate this today. It's his birthday, and I wouldn't want to spoil it even if later I could say, "Well, it's his fault for being a brat."

 

Before anyone comes over to give gifts, I would talk to him about expressing gratitude and thanks, but I would do it in an encouraging way. We gave our children tips about what they should do - look the person in the eye, thank them, say one good thing about it, etc. So I would rehearse this with him, but not in a way designed to make him feel rotten about the morning incident.

 

I would tell him, also, that we can return the lego/knex box if that's not what he wanted. You only get one birthday, so if it's affordable, he should get what he wants.

 

Over time, I would just work with him on expressing gratitude around the house. I would do it in a kind way. "Make sure you thank Dad for taking you to the park."

[Danestress]

A couple more things.....

 

I have twins born a day apart (around midnight). We have two birthdays in a row, but they are both boys so they get a lot of the same things. I have both boys open half their presents each day. So on the older twins birthday, the might open a present from my aunt and one from my mother, and the next day, they might open presents from DH and I and from MIL. Otherwise, the younger twin would see everything he is going to get the day before he gets it.

 

Even though you have different genders and ages, it wouldn't be the worse thing to give a "household" present to each child on his or her birthday - something the other kid will really like. A DVD, tickets for something fun, etc.

 

Also, the really big thing around here for my boys is giving presents to each other. They LOVE giving presents to each other. DH takes each on on a little shopping trip to do this, and they look forward to that. So maybe having your son buy something for his sister (with your money, of course, lol) and visa versa would make each child feel excited about the other child's birthday.

[elegantlion]

I love the PP's idea of role-playing. Make sure your ds understands that there is nothing wrong with *feeling* disappointed when getting a gift, it is the *behavior* that is inappropriate. It is not appropriate to express that feeling because it will be upsetting to the giver, etc.

 

:iagree:

 

We did the role playing with ds. You thank the giver for the gift, make a nice comment, and smile. If you are disappointed in the gift you may talk it over with me later. We may chose to do an exchange.

 

I would say he is being honest, but needs some training to express the graditude.

 

I agree about the Lego/Kinex thing. We used to make gift lists as a kid and I always got the wrong brand/type/etc. It was disappointing as a child, because I thought my parents didn't understand or value my interests. We started having ds cut out pictures and asked specifics when he was little.

 

I would also look into love languages. His love language might be gifts. There's nothing wrong with that, it just means you feel loved when the gifts match your expectations.

 

I remember lying in bed on the night before Christmas and hoping I would get X. I'd almost wish it under the tree. One year I wanted a bike so badly. It wasn't under the tree. I thought they'd bring it up from the basement later, never happened. I was so disappointed, that had been number one on my list. Can you tell my love language is gifts? :tongue_smilie:

 

I can imagine at 8, with a siblings birthday the same week, he might just be wound up. It's okay for him to be disappointed, it's not okay to be ungrateful. I would willingly go exchange it for a gift he really wanted. That's not being indulgent, it's recognizing he has a preference and another toy won't sit around unused.

[butterflymommy]

I would just give him money as gifts from now on. As far as the ungrateful behavior, tell him it wasn't acceptable and he needs to act grateful for the sake of good manners even if he has to fake it. I wouldn't take it too personally, he is very young yet. Sweep it under the rug and be better prepared next time.

[goldberry]

I have a chronically ungrateful child. We have worked on it over the years and have seen some improvement. Most often, later on (not during the situation) I sit her down and tell her how her response made me feel, and what an appropriate response would be. This has really helped her improve.

 

THAT SAID, once she was in the back seat of the car complaining over a toy we JUST GOT. I reached into the back seat, grabbed the toy out of her hands, and threw it out the car window. I don't know how effective it was, but I sure felt better! ;)

[goldberry]

I would tell him, also, that we can return the lego/knex box if that's not what he wanted. You only get one birthday, so if it's affordable, he should get what he wants.

 

 

Ouch. Sorry, totally disagree with that. To me that would be rewarding and re-enforcing the behavior.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Ouch. Sorry, totally disagree with that. To me that would be rewarding and re-enforcing the behavior.

 

If you ask a child what they want for their birthday, why would you be surprised that something different wasn't received well?

 

Now kid pretends to be wonderfully happy about a toy he dislikes, so you run out for the next holiday and get the same type of toy in a bigger model. Again kid will be upset.

 

During a party, yes, we all should be happy that we got presents even if they're not liked. I don't think the same should be for the parents.

[ereks mom]

 

We give the "be grateful' talk every year on our way to MIL's place for Christmas. It is necessary because she plays favorites & there is always a wild disparity in gifts. A couple of years ago my ds got 32 Matchbox cars, a rolling case for them, and a large garage, wrapped in 4-5 different packages. My youngest dd got a dollar store lip gloss, next dd got a package of men's tube socks, and my oldest dd got a box of baking soda. Yeah. It was awesome. Because she has been doing this for years it has morphed into a huge joke. The girls thank her politely, and then we race out to the car and giggle like maniacs. We have a lively debate about who got the worst gift (one year the other DIL got a full set of gourmet cookware and I got a supermarket calorie counting guide) and whoever wins gets to pick where we stoop for dinner on the way home.

 

WOW! But I love you & your dc's attitudes! We've had similar (but not nearly as bad) experiences at my MIL's house at Christmas. We exchange gifts with dh's family every year and we all meet at MIL's house. We draw names, and there is no upper or lower limit, but most of the time, the gifts are in the $20-$25 range. But there's one SIL & BIL who love to buy gifts, and sometimes will spend a lot. And then there's SIL & BIL #2,who apparently do their shopping at the last minute, intentionally buying cheap items that are NOT on the recipients' wish lists. One year, SIL & BIL #1 gave one of the nieces a (real) diamond birthstone ring and a really nice wooden jewelry box, and one of the nephews an air hockey table. That same year, SIL & BIL #2 drew ER's and EK's names. Each of them received a fleece sweater vest; I had seen some just like them on sale at Walmart the week before for $7. At the time, my children were quite young--I think EK was 6 and ER was 10? I was so disappointed for my kids, but they made me SO PROUD! Neither complained, and they thanked SIL & BIL for the gifts.

[HeidiKC]

A couple of years ago my ds got 32 Matchbox cars, a rolling case for them, and a large garage, wrapped in 4-5 different packages. My youngest dd got a dollar store lip gloss, next dd got a package of men's tube socks, and my oldest dd got a box of baking soda. Yeah. It was awesome. Because she has been doing this for years it has morphed into a huge joke. The girls thank her politely, and then we race out to the car and giggle like maniacs. We have a lively debate about who got the worst gift (one year the other DIL got a full set of gourmet cookware and I got a supermarket calorie counting guide) and whoever wins gets to pick where we stoop for dinner on the way home.

 

What in the WORLD??! Is she a bit unstable or confused? I love the way your family has chosen to respond to this - very admirable and it will make great memories for your family to joke about for years, rather than (hopefully, anyway) hard feelings!

[Mommy22alyns]

I have a chronically ungrateful child. We have worked on it over the years and have seen some improvement. Most often, later on (not during the situation) I sit her down and tell her how her response made me feel, and what an appropriate response would be. This has really helped her improve.

 

THAT SAID, once she was in the back seat of the car complaining over a toy we JUST GOT. I reached into the back seat, grabbed the toy out of her hands, and threw it out the car window. I don't know how effective it was, but I sure felt better! ;)

 

 

Sometimes I think that, as parents, we have to be just crazy enough. My girls know that I will do what I say I will do!

 

My girls have birthdays three days apart, but we end up with a week-long celebration so they're never jealous on the other one's birthday or anything.

[ChristineW]

My daughter loves surprises, and loves anything given to her. You could wrap a lollipop inside a refrigerator box and she's happy for a year. Ds on the other hand hates surprises, and is disappointed easiely.

 

He picks out his presents on Amazon, and I usually don't wrap them. I will get him one surprise to go with everything, but it'll match the theme he picked out. So for this year, he picked out a few Lego sets, mostly aliens, so I got one more alien set to go with it. When he has parties, he never opens gifts in front of people. His initial reaction is usually poor, but he ends up loving whatever the gift is.

 

My son and I are really into Legos. He likes the people, I love to build the sets. I would be extremely disappointed if someone got me K'nex. I hate k'nex.

 

I am teching my son to appreciate what he does get, but it's a long process. The hardest part is that people ASK him what he wants, then get him something completely different.

 

My son is the same way. I get him exactly what he asks for so that he won't get his feelings hurt. I only stray if I am CERTAIN that he will like the present, and it is never the main gift.

 

I see no harm in taking him back to the store to return the box of K'nex and getting what he'd prefer. I returned a wool sweater from DH last year (I am horribly allergic to wool--he forgot to check the label) and spent the money on a good pair of shoes. Sometimes, people make mistakes--that's why they make gift receipts.

 

Christine

[LMD]

My son did something like that this year. We was rude and ungrateful to about 3 different people. After being warned and spoken to after the first 2 times, the 3rd time was it. My DH reacted in a similar way to yours! We took one of his new toys still in it's box and made him earn it back. We placed it somewhere he could see it, made up $1 tokens to the value of the toy, and assigned him extra jobs to do. It took him a few weeks (2-3ish) but he did it, and he was very proud when he earnt it. I think it was a case of too spoiled to appreciate in our case...

[Guest submarines]

Someone else mentioned that this is a skill. I got to thinking about that and decided that graciousness is a skill, but true gratefulness must be genuinely felt in the heart - it can't really be taught. I think the other posters who suggested ways of responding graciously to receiving a gift got it spot on. You need to teach your son to respond graciously no matter what the gift is.

 

As far as gratefulness goes, well, you can model that, but I think that is something someone works out in their own mind and heart and it takes maturity. Many adults lack gratefulness so it doesn't surprise me that an 8yo hasn't acquired any. He's very young and is still learning. Show him how grateful you are for everything you've got - food, clothes, a warm house, safety, kind deeds offered to you by others, etc. and he'll catch on.

 

:iagree: Excellent post.

[Guest submarines]

:iagree:

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you and your dh are taking this too personally. Your ds really wanted Lego stuff, specifically Lego mini-figures, so I can absolutely understand why he would have been disappointed in a big tub of K'Nex, or even with a big Lego set that wasn't what he had in mind. You chose what you thought he would like, but you goofed. No big deal. Return the K'Nex to the store, and let your ds buy what he wants with the money.

 

You also mentioned that your dd wanted Barbie dolls, yet you bought her rollerblades. Fortunately, she liked them, but I'm not sure why you didn't just buy the Barbie stuff, or the Rollerblades plus an inexpensive Barbie. Are you sure she wasn't disappointed about not getting a Barbie? Personally, I would have been, if it was what I'd been asking for.

 

Certainly, kids need to learn how to accept gifts graciously, but I know that I would prefer that my son be honest with me if he doesn't like a gift, rather than sucking it up and pretending to be grateful. I want to get him things he likes, and if I make a poor choice (BTDT! :tongue_smilie:) he knows he can return the gift for something he really wants. He has never been rude or nasty about receiving something he doesn't like -- he is appreciative of the fact that I went out and bought something for him -- but I wouldn't expect him to automatically like a gift just because my dh or I picked it out for him.

 

Now, I have to say that I would be very angry if my ds was anything less than gracious when receiving a gift from anyone but me -- he knows enough to always say thank you and to tell the giftgiver that he loves the present, and if he was rude, I would be mortified.

 

Again, I think your son is just being a normal, honest kid, and that you and your dh may be a little over-sensitive to the fact that he simply didn't like the gift you bought for him. Perhaps next time, you should pay more attention to what he says he wants, rather than trying to make his choices for him.

 

Yes, yes, yes! To everything.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

Ouch. Sorry, totally disagree with that. To me that would be rewarding and re-enforcing the behavior.

 

You also grabbed a toy from your daughter and threw it out the car window, so... :lol:

[tex-mex]

Some people are wired to be glass-half-empty and perfectionist types. It's hard for them, because they build up expectations that never seem to be met. I think the idea of practicing finding something good to say is important, since it sounds like he wouldn't be able to think that way on his own.

 

Lots of talks about being thankful, realizing that no one is obligated to give a gift, etc., will eventually sink in. He'll mature as well.

 

Wendi

:iagree:

 

And it sounds like the double bdays are causing some "gift" distress. He easily surmised one of his gifts would be the sticker set. He may be a glass-half-empty type of child (or just blunt ;)). And yes, as a Lego fanatic, I would have asked or got some ideas from him (months in advance) as to what type of Lego items he really really wanted. Every child is different. This one just seems more melancholy and his manners are non-filtered?

 

However, that being said, does not excuse his behavior. He does need to learn how to be appreciative of a gift -- even if he hates it. Teach him now and in the years to come, he will get better at it. My ds (16 y.o) is a pro at acting really appreciative with some humdinger of a gift his crazy aunt gives him (used socks, clothes with lint, spider toys -- he has a phobia of spiders).