If your dh did not ask your father for your hand....

[LittleIzumi]

... did your father walk you down the aisle to "give you away"? This seems like the exact same sort of "patriarchal tradition" as asking the father for permission/blessing to marry the daughter, yet I've never seen any vitriol spewed at this tradition like I did in the "permission" thread. :confused:

 

Drat. I meant to make this a poll. Le sigh.

 

FTR, dh asked for my hand (and would have married me even if my dad said no, and wouldn't have asked if he didn't expect a yes), and my dad did not walk me down the aisle--he married us. :D

Edited October 8, 2011 by LittleIzumi

[Impish]

My parents didn't bother to attend my wedding.

[Pretty in Pink]

My father and I are estranged so he didn't walk me down the aisle. My grandfather walked both me and ds (he was 4 at the time) down the aisle and ds was an active participant in the ceremony itself -- dh and I made vows to one another and dh made vows to ds. It was very sweet and meant a great deal to ds. :001_smile:

[OrganicAnn]

My DH did not ask my dad for my hand. That seemed too old-fashioned for us. My Dad did walk me down the aisle.

[LittleIzumi]

My parents didn't bother to attend my wedding.

 

 

Well that blows chunks. :glare: It was probably quieter that way. ;)

[BarbecueMom]

DH didn't ask for my dad's blessing/permission/whatever, but dad did walk me down the aisle.

 

In complete honesty, the thought of being front and center of attention still wigs me out, and the wedding was six years ago. I didn't want to walk down the aisle by myself, because I didn't want all eyes on *just me*. Since my dad and I have always had a rocky relationship, he wasn't giving me away. It was his last time to really BE there for me, so I didn't have to be alone, before that role passed on to my husband.

[nono]

Both parents walked me down the aisle.

[Tenaj]

My husband did not ask my father for permission (he laughs now and says he never thought about it. He did call his parents and discussed their feelings).

 

My father did walk me down the aisle, but he didn't realize that he would be doing it until the night before rehearsal. We went to the church to make sure everything was being set up the way it should be. The organist was practicing and I grabbed his arm and invited him to practice walking me up the aisle. He looked like a deer caught in headlights . . . he didn't realize for some reason that he would be doing it and we had never discussed it. It was just an assumption on my part. He made it through but I guess he was sleepless for two nights over it :)

[SunD]

DH and I walked down the aisle together when we eloped. :D I wouldn't have been "given away" if we'd had a more traditional wedding either.

 

If we'd done anything similar to dad escorting the bride down the aisle, we had talked about having our whole families "meeting in the middle" with guests arranged in a circle, and leaving us together.

[Xuzi]

I don't see "walking down the aisle" in quite the same light as "asking for your hand". It CAN be seen that way, especially if the officiant asks "Who here gives this woman?", but it can also be seen as symbolic of the very real change that is occuring with the wedding. The woman is signifying that, rather than her father now being the "main man" in her life, it is now her husband who is expected to always be there for her. Of course she may have had other relationships that were important to her, but they (obviously) proved temporary, while her relationship with her dad (ideally) remained constant. Now it's her husband who's taking on the reponsibility of being that constant "got your back" male presense in her life, and Dad's role is forever bumped down a bit (ideally, if there's no divorce down the line).

 

That said, my Dad didn't walk me down the aisle. :lol: Not because he wasn't the ideal dad (HE WAS!) but because there just isn't a "walk down the aisle" portion to an LDS Temple wedding ceremony. If there HAD been, he most definitely would have been at my side. :)

[kalanamak]

From my view, the walking the daughter is an arrangement between daughter and father, while the asking is between two people who are not the daughter. I see a difference.

[Jennifer3141]

DH and I walked up to the minister together in the field. :)

 

So no, we didn't particpate in that ritual either.

[Cheryl in NM]

My father, while he thought my husband was a nice person, did not agree with our relationship because my husband had kids. It was a mess and my father saw that. He knew best. We have been through h*ll. I wouldn't trade it for anything though. My father passed away before we became engaged.

 

My grandfather gave me away. Dh had not asked his permission and my grandfather (Mom's dad) had the same mis-givings as my father. But, I was the first grandchild and the only one for 7 years, so I had a tendency to get what I wanted! I only had to ask and he gladly walked me down the aisle.

 

FWIW, no one on my side or DH's side agreed with our marriage, but they ALL attended and participated and wished us well. They have all been proven wrong.

[Audrey]

No. We eloped.

[EmilyinND]

I can't remember if my husband asked for my hand!?:blush: But, he did walk me down the aisle.

[Melinda in VT]

I don't see "walking down the aisle" in quite the same light as "asking for your hand". It CAN be seen that way, especially if the officiant asks "Who here gives this woman?", but it can also be seen as symbolic of the very real change that is occuring with the wedding. The woman is signifying that, rather than her father now being the "main man" in her life, it is now her husband who is expected to always be there for her. Of course she may have had other relationships that were important to her, but they (obviously) proved temporary, while her relationship with her dad (ideally) remained constant. Now it's her husband who's taking on the reponsibility of being that constant "got your back" male presense in her life, and Dad's role is forever bumped down a bit (ideally, if there's no divorce down the line).

 

That said, my Dad didn't walk me down the aisle. :lol: Not because he wasn't the ideal dad (HE WAS!) but because there just isn't a "walk down the aisle" portion to an LDS Temple wedding ceremony. If there HAD been, he most definitely would have been at my side. :)

 

This was me. DH didn't ask my dad's permission/ask for his blessing but if we hadn't gotten married in an LDS Temple, I would have wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle and wouldn't have thought twice about it. (Although I understand why some people skip that part or include both parents.)

[nono]

It CAN be seen that way, especially if the officiant asks "Who here gives this woman?"

 

No problem for me, as it isn't part of the Roman Catholic wedding ceremony around here. :)

[cathmom]

Both my parents walked me down the aisle. My dh did not ask my father before proposing.

[WishboneDawn]

No. We had a very informal civil ceremony.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I...had a very....difficult relationship with my grandfather/legal guardian. I was also quite the feminist at the time, and there was NO way I was going to be "asked for" or "given away" like property :001_rolleyes: (though I secretly loved the "romantic tradition" of it all.) I wasn't going to have Papa walk me down, but in the end I decided to honor him in that way. I still have mixed feelings about it, but I am glad I did it.

[FaithManor]

Well, my wedding was something I showed up at out of duress by the time the whole thing went off and not because I didn't want to be married, but because between my parents, their heavy handed male chauvenist pig pastor, and a huge number of very traditional, patriarchialy viewed aging grandparents were threatening to boycott the wedding if I didn't acquiesce to certain demands, so I ended up allowing my 20 year old self to be guilt tripped into a number of "traditions" I wanted nothing to do with that ended in a show-down with the pastor in a highly tense moment when he tried to sneak something into the vows that he had agreed would.not.be.in.there.

 

I was not opposed to my dad walking me down the aisle at all, but I wanted my mom to be with me and I was adamantly opposed to being "given away". My mom and dad were amenable, but the pastor, the associate pastor, and the grandparents (dh's grandpa was in poor health, a retired Free Methodist pastor...so poor he would not have been able to stand long enough to get through the ceremony thus we didn't have him marry us) on both sides thought this was tantamount to slapping my dad in the face. Additionally, my grandfather was in poor health (though not has bad as dh's grandpa) and my grandmother made a monster deal about how he had walked two of my female cousins down the aisle and had been expecting to be accorded that honor from me before he died. Oh, she made a big.huge.stinking.drama. about it! I threatened to have no one walk me, which was perfectly okay with me too, but that made an even bigger scene amongst the relatives and I really didn't want to hurt my parents' feelings. Dh's family had to travel from over 1400 miles away to attend our wedding and so I decided to just "go with the flow" in order to not have tension the day of, in honor of his parents being able to attend a fairly celebratory event. Thus, my dad and my grandpa walked me down.

 

So, I get to the end of the aisle and my dad and grandpa kiss me on the cheeks, I lean over around dad to hug and kiss my mom, and out of the dead silence of the moment I hear this from the lousy pastor, "Who gives this woman to this man?" I blinked hard and then started up the steps to rip the microphone out of the loser's hand (he was smirking for everyone to see because he knew he'd just sneaked a patriarchial moment into the ceremony that neither dh nor I wanted) when I felt dad's hand on my arm and dh's hand in mine and my father said in a shocked voice, "Her family." In light of things, it was about the only sensible thing to do with 400 people looking on. Seething, I did stop advancing towards the ignoramous.

 

Everything else went okay until we got to the vows and the big.honking.patriarchial.woman.hating.jerk (I do not use the woman hating term lightly - he once made the comment to his church during a sermon that the only reason to educate a woman was so that she wouldn't be too stupid to raise sons) starts on my vows (which again were NOT to include obey) and I hear, "love, honor, and obey." At that point dh started reaching for the microphone, my maid of honor said OUTLOUD AND YOU CAN HEAR IT ON THE TAPE, "What the H*ll!" and at that point, I just took dh's hand away from the microphone and said "love and honor" and waited. It was a dual of wills that I won. The horrible man left a pregnant pause there big enough to drive a dump truck through, but then went on with the last of the ceremony.

 

You may ask why we didn't get married someplace else. The answer is that I was young and really didn't want to hurt my parents feelings as it concerned throwing their daughter a big wedding. I really wanted to respect their wishes as much as possible. I also had dh's very traditional parents and grandparents to consider and the fact that with so many aging folks, this might be the last opportunity to get them together, get pictures with them, etc. In my parents' county, this church was literally the only venue that could hold 400 people for a ceremony and a reception. The next venue close enough for such a big event cost a boatload of money to rent and was a 50 minute drive away. We wanted to have our wedding at the Methodist Cathedral in Jackson, Mi. We were personal friends with the principal pianist there who was very close with the principal pipe organist. Music being such a huge, personal deal to us, it made sense. But that was a MEGA long distance for my family and my grandfather couldn't withstand more than a one hr. in a car without rest. So, I would not have had my grandmother or father there and it would have added a lot of expense for dh's family because instead of being able to bunk in with my relatives and my parents' close friends in my home town, they would have had to get hotel rooms in Jackson and pay for a lot of eating out. His family was not exactly rolling in cash and his grandparents were as poor as church mice. I felt a tremendous responsibility to all of these people to do what was right for them and not for dh and I. By using this church, we had to agree to be married by the senior or associate pastor because the church policy did not allow any other clergy member, magistrate, or justice of the peace to officiate a wedding ceremony there. UGH!

 

As for sneaking that stuff into the ceremony, it was pure, vile, pot-stirring. None of it was required by the church board or the denomination. Actually, very little was required to be in the ceremony by the denomination...just the in sickness and health, richer/poorer, love, honor, and cherish. No obey, no giving away, none of that other stuff. He did it, having lied to our faces and saying he wouldn't.

 

That's my story. If I had it to do all over again, I'd have invited the close relatives to a small place, got married with a magistrate, taken some pictures, and then gone on a fantastic, more expensive honeymoon. I would have just told everyone we could.not.possibly.accomodate. the cost of a large wedding and big traditions. If they didn't come, they didn't come. But I was young and felt a quite a bit of pressure and really didn't want to offend a lot of people. My dad was a very prominent businessman and felt the need to invite a huge number of people. He ended up regretting that too.

 

So, when my sister got married. Things were HUGELY different and that was a very good thing. On top of which, the pastor was a very, very nice man and it was a lovely ceremony that did not include a bunch of stuff my sister didn't agree with....it's just too bad her hubby turned out to be a disaster!

 

I have decided that weddings are the event equivalent of mass hysteria by L.S.D. One cannot expect any measure of rationality from one's relatives as when people are "high" they are extremely narcissistic!:lol:

 

Faith

[linguistmama]

DH didn't ask my father. We are LDS and my family is not so my parents were not at the marriage in the temple. Also, as someone else mentioned there's no giving away section.

 

Faithmanor, holy cow, that's terrible! My parents were more than generous about our wedding considering they couldn't be there. I think a lot of their generosity was due to their own wedding. My mother's mom decided at the last minute that she did not like the veil that my mother handmade. Grandma was ripping it apart the day of the wedding!

[Scrub Jay]

No, DH and I walked down the aisle together.

[Jenny in Florida]

No, my father did not walk me down the aisle. I don't think my husband would have asked for my hand, anyway, but neither that nor the walking-down-the-aisle thing were even considered, because I haven't spoken to my parents in close to 20 years.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

We got married in a courthouse, so I was not "given away", but I do like the Jewish tradition of both parents walking the bride down the aisle. :001_smile:

[Impish]

Well that blows chunks. :glare: It was probably quieter that way. ;)

It was terribly lonely, tbh. The only ppl I knew at my wedding were members of Wolf's family I'd met recently.

 

My parents told me they couldn't afford the flight...yet took a 2 wk vacation a few months later. The $ excuse was total BS. *I* just wasn't worth it.

 

8 yrs later, and it still hurts...Additionally b/c I am the only girl.

[LittleIzumi]

It was terribly lonely, tbh. The only ppl I knew at my wedding were members of Wolf's family I'd met recently.

 

My parents told me they couldn't afford the flight...yet took a 2 wk vacation a few months later. The $ excuse was total BS. *I* just wasn't worth it.

 

8 yrs later, and it still hurts...Additionally b/c I am the only girl.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[T'smom]

Dh did not ask for my hand, and my dad did walk me down the aisle. I did have some misgivings about it, but tried to view it as tradition.

 

I believe you're totally right about those traditions stemming from the same patriarchal beliefs and I am against those- but I was bucking enough traditions....it was a hard decision to make.

[Aquinas Academy]

 

FWIW, no one on my side or DH's side agreed with our marriage, but they ALL attended and participated and wished us well. They have all been proven wrong.

This is exactly the same situation as with DH and I.

My dad walked me down the aisle, but DH did not ask him for permission to marry me.

[LidiyaDawn]

Nope…my mom did. :D

[PeacefulChaos]

I don't see "walking down the aisle" in quite the same light as "asking for your hand". It CAN be seen that way, especially if the officiant asks "Who here gives this woman?", but it can also be seen as symbolic of the very real change that is occuring with the wedding. The woman is signifying that, rather than her father now being the "main man" in her life, it is now her husband who is expected to always be there for her. Of course she may have had other relationships that were important to her, but they (obviously) proved temporary, while her relationship with her dad (ideally) remained constant. Now it's her husband who's taking on the reponsibility of being that constant "got your back" male presense in her life, and Dad's role is forever bumped down a bit (ideally, if there's no divorce down the line).

 

That said, my Dad didn't walk me down the aisle. :lol: Not because he wasn't the ideal dad (HE WAS!) but because there just isn't a "walk down the aisle" portion to an LDS Temple wedding ceremony. If there HAD been, he most definitely would have been at my side. :)

 

The bolded is VERY well put. :) That is the point of it, not anything chauvinist or anti-woman in it anywhere I've seen.

Also, in every wedding I've been to, when they ask 'Who gives this woman?' the father answers 'Her mother and I'.

 

Not to stir any pots or anything, but when I say 'patriarch', which I often do, I mean the head of the family. Head of the family = husband = priest of the home. It's all biblical. But I don't see it as some woman-suppressing society that thinks of females solely as property. In fact, I've found the opposite to be the case. DH's family, for example, live lives of Biblical soundness - and I've found the men to all think of women in the highest regard. Which makes sense considering that the job of a husband (Biblically, again) is to protect his wife and love her and always consider her first. I don't consider that to be a patriarchal statement, but I'm sure some would see it as one... ?? I guess I've just never seen so much angst over it before...

 

It was terribly lonely, tbh. The only ppl I knew at my wedding were members of Wolf's family I'd met recently.

 

My parents told me they couldn't afford the flight...yet took a 2 wk vacation a few months later. The $ excuse was total BS. *I* just wasn't worth it.

 

8 yrs later, and it still hurts...Additionally b/c I am the only girl.

 

:grouphug: :(

 

ETA: Forgot to say, my grandpa did walk me down the aisle. Wouldn't have had it any other way, I think it's really special and important. :) And he said 'Her grandmother and I' when asked who gives this woman.

[Belacqua]

I didn't have parents, so I asked my groom's brother to walk me down the aisle. He wasn't a father figure, of course, but he had been a great source of guidance and wisdom for both of us (not to mention inviting us to dinner weekly when we were destitute grad students, probably saving us from scurvy).

 

It was also great fun because my husband and his brother look very similar, despite a significant age difference, so people were initially kind of confused when the person they thought was the groom turned off and sat down before getting to the altar.

[JeneralMom]

My DH did not ask for my hand, but my father did walk me down the aisle. He was not asked "who gives this woman away" or whatever. I was not going to do it, but my parents had gone through a very hard divorce and none of my maternal side of the family wanted him there, including my brother and his family. I did it to show that I still supported him and wanted him there.

[twoforjoy]

Both parents walked me down the aisle.

 

Same here. DH and I both walked down the aisle with both of our parents.

[MinivanMom]

My dh didn't ask for my hand in marriage and no one walked me down the aisle as I was married in an LDS temple. If there had been an aisle to walk down, I would have been walking down it alone or with dh. I am estranged from my biological father and my mother wasn't much of a mother (she had a lot she struggled with, may she rest in peace).

 

From my view, the walking the daughter is an arrangement between daughter and father, while the asking is between two people who are not the daughter. I see a difference.

 

I think this is a very important distinction. I'm one of the people that said asking for permission to marry left a bad taste in my mouth, but I don't feel the same way about walking down the aisle. The difference for me is the involvement of the woman. If you feel close to your father and respect him and want him to walk you down the aisle, then you are choosing that and arranging that with him.

 

I have decided that weddings are the event equivalent of mass hysteria by L.S.D. One cannot expect any measure of rationality from one's relatives as when people are "high" they are extremely narcissistic!:lol:

 

Faith

 

:grouphug:

 

That is one of the saddest wedding stories I've ever heard! People are at their craziest and most narcissistic when there's going to be a wedding in the family! I think that's what irked me so much about the other thread. What in the world does it mean to say that your future son-in-law better "respect" you by asking "permission" to marry your daughter?! Man, it's not about you at all. It's about the couple getting married and their love for each other. If you ever think somebody else's wedding or decision to get married is about you (or the respect you deserve) . . . well . . . perhaps it's time to take a step back and get a little perspective.

[annandatje]

No.

[laundrycrisis]

We both had both of our parents walk with us across the porch to the minister. They were not giving us away, as they never owned us. They were accompanying us as we took those final steps as two single people before we were married to each other.

[Tiberia]

Yes, my dad walked me down the aisle. It was very sweet. He was more nervous than I was. It is a special memory for us both.

 

Faith, I'm sorry for your horrible wedding experience.

[Terabith]

My husband did not ask for my hand in marriage, and my father did not give me away. THe priest was actually adamant about that not being okay. He did walk me down the aisle, but it was more of a company sort of thing. There was no, "Who gives this woman?"

[jelbe5]

My dh and I "eloped". It was my second marriage and I was afraid my dad would not walk me down the aisle again, being Catholic. But after 21 years I am happy to report my parents really love my dh. :001_smile:

[chepyl]

DH did not ask my Dad, but Dad did walk me down the aisle. (He was upset while watching the video....the q-tip, me, blocked him in his big moment.) He forgot to kiss me before he sat down :).

 

DH's dad performed the ceremony.

[cindergretta]

Dh didn't ask my dad and for that matter, dh never proposed to either!!! :lol:

 

We had an odd wedding, not really a wedding at all. :confused: I don't look back on it with any fondness at all. :( So many things were awful about the whole day, the ceremony, the guests, etc. It is complicated to explain and I actually hate it and am glad it wasn't a wedding. That would have cost money and for something to be so miserable, it shouldn't cost anything! :tongue_smilie: On the up side, I got to be married to my dh and I just adore him, so the day wasn't a total loss. ;)

 

My dad walked me up to the altar. If I had any kind of even semi-functional relationship with my mother, she would have walked with us. But she is crazy and I try to keep my distance. ::shiver:: He was giving up his role as the "main man" in my life. It took at least a year of marriage for me to get cuaght up to that. Poor dh must have gotten dead sick of my running to my dad for his advice/opinion on every little thing! :001_huh:

[higginszoo]

No, dh didn't ask for my hand. My dad would have found it 'quaint' and probably chuckled at him a bit.

 

My dad also didn't walk me down the aisle. For one, there wasn't really an aisle, secondly, my mom had a lot more to do with raising me (my dad was active duty surface Navy, gone for at least half of my childhood) ... but when we rehearsed with both of them, mom and I both felt like it was a scene out of The Wizard of Oz. So our processional into the church was Bridesmaid-Groomsman, Bm-Gm, Maid of Honor-Best Man, M-i-l-F-i-l, Mom-Dad, ME-Dh, Priest-My Great Uncle (Methodist Bishop, grandfather-figure ...we're both Catholic, Catholic mass, but he did the nuptual blessing). It worked for us.

[DianeW88]

That said, my Dad didn't walk me down the aisle. :lol: Not because he wasn't the ideal dad (HE WAS!) but because there just isn't a "walk down the aisle" portion to an LDS Temple wedding ceremony. If there HAD been, he most definitely would have been at my side. :)

 

:iagree: Me, too. No aisle to walk down. LOL

[Xuzi]

:iagree: Me, too. No aisle to walk down. LOL

And what a relief it was, when I was wedding planning, to not have to worry about pew bows. :lol:

[mereminerals]

My uncle walked me down the aisle, my grandfather officiated the ceremony, and my dad couldn't be torn away from work to attend.

[BigMamaBird]

My dh did not ask for my hand. My Dad walked me down the isle and when the pastor asked "Who gives this woman in marriage?" my parents both answered "we do."

 

I don't think dh bothered asking because him and my parents knew each other so well and we knew we had their blessing to marry.

[Lawana]

My uncle walked me down the aisle, my grandfather officiated the ceremony, and my dad couldn't be torn away from work to attend.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

My mom gave me away. Does that mean we were maternalistic? My dad performed the ceremony.

[mhg]

He (my husband) drove 2 hours to my parents home (without me) to ask my dad. My mom said that it terrified her when she saw him coming up the walkway alone as she couldn't think of why he'd have driven all the way to their home without me unless he was coming to tell me that I'd been hurt or killed. She said she almost had a heart attack until she asked him if I was ok and established i was. Then he asked to speak to my dad (and she knew then what it was about). He asked my dad and my dad walked me down the aisle. Had he NOT asked, my dad would have still walked me down the aisle. We had talked about getting married but I was surprised at his proposal (I had guessed it would have occurred a little later). I was only 20 when I accepted his proposal and almost 22 when we married. So I still felt, in a sense, young enough to be under my father's headship (even though I was away from home and at college during our courtship). Had I been older (say 26+ === an arbitrary age choice here based on when I would have been likely "on my own" financially), I'd have felt less of that sense of being under my father's headship and wouldn't have taken offense had my husband NOT asked my dad first. Had I been 36 years old I still would have LIKED my fiance' to ask my dad just for the honor and respect it shows to a father who, in my case, DESERVED this honor/respect. In our case, I was glad that he HAD already asked him (unsolicited by me) before his proposal; I would have NOT liked it had he NOT asked him.