S/O How can we help our kids be ready for earlier marriage?

[JumpyTheFrog]

What are some specific ways we can help our kids be mature enough to marry around 18-22 if they meet the right person?

 

Some of my concerns are:

 

1. Daughters (and occasionally sons) who are not allowed to move out on their own may be very naive about how to choose an apartment or house, deal with faceless corporations like banks when something goes wrong, choose a decent landlord, avoid fake car repairs, etc.

 

I know it doesn't have to be this way, but our previous church was rather patriarchal and I think the young women seemed very naive. One man allowed his 21 year old daughter to move away to a Christian college and I think the elders were unhappy about it.

 

I know we all learn how to deal with situations like identity theft, etc through experience, but I'm concerned that kids that have never been allowed to move out until they marry may find it hard to learn to deal with life, marriage, living on your own, and a possible fast pregnency all at once

 

2. How can we help our kids develop their own "deal-breaker" list of what they absolutely don't want in a spouse? Again, my experience at our last church makes me think many of these kids won't have enough experience being friends with the opposite sex to figure out what traits would drive them crazy. The attitude of many of the parents seems to be that as long as a person is "godly," then not much else matters. I disagree. I know many men that I could never be happily married to. And likewise, I would drive then crazy. My husband and I, however, are a good fit, and traits that would drive other men insane don't bother him.

 

3. How can we help them choose a career and prepare for it? Earlier marriage can still allow people to finish college, but once kids come, I think it becomes much, much harder for the wife to make sure she has some skills to fall back on in case she ever needs to get a job. Let's face it, if employees are getting passed over after being out of work for six months, what chance do I have (as a degree holder that never had a career

[Sparkle]

:bigear:

[hollyh]

I don't have too many suggestions, but to talk, talk, talk.

 

As far as preparing for future marriage:

My mom (and dad) did a lot of this with me and my dh always jokes that I went through "classes" with them. Talk about what you looked for in your dh, talk about why you broke up with other boyfriends, talk about what kind of characteristics they want, what kinds of people they like being around, encourage her to make a list, to pray about it, talk about what traits they see in other boys around and what they like/don't like, talk about what they think a good husband will be like, what they think a good wife should be like and how they think they will work on preparing themselves for that.

 

I love the series called Men's Fraternity- it's for a man, but I strongly encourage women to listen in and hear what a man should be like- so that girls will know what they should be looking for.

 

As far as preparing kids for real life- I would suggest including them in on what you go through. I think senior year should include a lot of financial stuff. Financial classes, maybe have them do some of the talking whenever you have to call a business/landlord/etc. Maybe have them do your monthly bills with you so they get the hang of it too. LOTS of involvement so they are not blindsighted.

 

Finally, teach your kids to be teachable. When they are humble enough to realize that they don't know everything - they will ASK when they need help. They will consult with someone when buying a house, etc. :)

[TravelingChris]

Dh and I had no problems getting married at 22/21.75. Of course, I was already graduated from college, he was about to start his senior year, and we made enough money with my job and his p/t jobs plus financial aid so we could live. What preparation had we had? None, specifically but we had been away at college and dealt with things like landlords, utility companies, etc. already. HOwever, even when I did that, there was no adult locally to help me. I figured I had an easier time with it as a young person simply because I was intelligent. AFter all, even somewhat unintelligent people eventually move out and if you have smart kids, they shouldn't have much problems. It is all about growing up.

[Aelwydd]

I'm not sure, as encouragement of young marriage is something really foreign to my world view. I don't want my son to marry that early. In fact, I don't have any great need to see him get married at all. I have no burning desire for grand children. It's purely his choice.

 

As far as dealing with real life things like rent, landlords, jobs, spending, etc., again, I'm not expecting him to pack his things and get out at 18. He's an only child, so it's no burden for him to continue living at home into his twenties.

[creativish]

Lots of tough questions there!

 

I think as a parent the best thing we can do is be a good roll model; for marriage and all that important adult stuff.

And then have open communication with our kids-- on as many topics as possible.

Give them gradually increasing responsibilities early on, let them learn to fail on the little things so they don't have to fail on the big issues later on.

 

Personally looking back, I was so lost as I became a dating adult-- my parents had an ugly relationship that ended in bitter divorce, which created tons of inaccurate info I had to work through (er, am still working through).

I was so thankful I met my husband that came from a loving family, and I learned a lot about what life and love were truly about-- forgiveness, respect, perseverance.:001_smile:

I'm hoping I can make a difference in my kids so they will never be as muddled as I was starting out.

[phathui5]

We got married when I was 18 and dh was 22.

 

Some of the things I wish I'd been taught beforehand are:

 

- making a budget

- housekeeping, what to do when

- how to cook and make a menu

[The Girls' Mom]

I got married at 16...so talking from experience here..

 

Talk to your kids. Let them SEE how you deal with things in everyday life, and how you deal with being a grown up. I think one of the biggest disservices parents do to their kids these days is shelter them from every bad thing they can. Tell them how your finances work, why you are stressed about something called insurance, what in the world a debt is, show them how to find out information when you have a problem.

 

Make sure they have GOOD male role models in their lives. They need to see what a decent, responsible man is like (whether they are a boy or a girl) Men have a bad rap these days, and they need to know that it's not OK to BE a deadbeat or to marry one.

 

By the time they are entering puberty, they should be well on their way to being able to run a household. My girls all know how to clean and cook. They don't always choose to DO it, but the knowledge is there.

 

And BE THERE for them. My parents failed miserably at this my whole life, but one of the things that has held my marriage together is my dh's parents. They have been there for us unconditionally.

 

Show them how couples should love each other. Be kind to your spouse and let them see it. But also let them see that it is WORK to stay married.

 

Although in today's world I DON'T recommend marriage at 16, I think that between 18-25 are great years to start a family.

[Denisemomof4]

What are some specific ways we can help our kids be mature enough to marry around 18-22 if they meet the right person?

 

Some of my concerns are:

 

1. Daughters (and occasionally sons) who are not allowed to move out on their own may be very naive about how to choose an apartment or house, deal with faceless corporations like banks when something goes wrong, choose a decent landlord, avoid fake car repairs, etc.

 

I know it doesn't have to be this way, but our previous church was rather patriarchal and I think the young women seemed very naive. One man allowed his 21 year old daughter to move away to a Christian college and I think the elders were unhappy about it.

 

I know we all learn how to deal with situations like identity theft, etc through experience, but I'm concerned that kids that have never been allowed to move out until they marry may find it hard to learn to deal with life, marriage, living on your own, and a possible fast pregnency all at once

 

2. How can we help our kids develop their own "deal-breaker" list of what they absolutely don't want in a spouse? Again, my experience at our last church makes me think many of these kids won't have enough experience being friends with the opposite sex to figure out what traits would drive them crazy. The attitude of many of the parents seems to be that as long as a person is "godly," then not much else matters. I disagree. I know many men that I could never be happily married to. And likewise, I would drive then crazy. My husband and I, however, are a good fit, and traits that would drive other men insane don't bother him.

 

3. How can we help them choose a career and prepare for it? Earlier marriage can still allow people to finish college, but once kids come, I think it becomes much, much harder for the wife to make sure she has some skills to fall back on in case she ever needs to get a job. Let's face it, if employees are getting passed over after being out of work for six months, what chance do I have (as a degree holder that never had a career

 

IMO, take the church out of this COMPLETELY. I don't care what ANY church believes or teaches, Dh and I are the parent to our kids, and we will teach what is necessary with our own convictions. PERIOD.

 

That said, I don't think it matters whether your kids move out at 18 or 22, their first experiences will not be much different. My dd11 and I already talk about qualities to look for in a husband. We are VERY open about everything. I don't speak to dd8 about this (too young) but now that dd11, almost 12, is mature enough, we discuss everything more, and VERY openly. We also discuss living at home for college vs in a dorm. We discuss TRUE friends, etc. We talk about anything and everything as situations arise or as we see fit.

 

For my sons, I spoke to them a LOT about how to treat women. Yes, me and not dh. I was home with them all day, and I raised them to be good men with huge hearts. My ds19 is THE most wonderful boyfriend any gal could ask for, and his gal is one lucky young woman. She has found a rare gem!

 

I raised sheltered kids, keeping them from the world, and it did NO good. I think exposure is so important. An open relationship, one where kids can TRULY be honest, is SO important.

[Annie G]

Our oldest married young and our middle daughter moved out on her own at a young age.

What I wish both of them would work on is the reality that as 20-somethings that they don't get to live at the same level their parents do.

 

When we were young and moved out, we lived in small apartments, ate frugally, drove beater cars. As our incomes rose, so did our standard of living. But when our kids moved out, they felt they should live like we do now.

 

Dd's husband lost is job when the church closed, and our other dd lost her job as a pharmacy tech. Even though dh and I have worried that the girls were living too high, now it's become a real issue.

[BarbecueMom]

DH and I are 26 and 28, respectively, married for 6 years and together for almost 12, so we dated and married young. I can only think of one fight we've ever had, very early in marriage, and it's no longer a problem now that we have a dishwasher. :tongue_smilie: We had no problems marrying early.

 

I will say that I grew up in a single parent home, where my mom sort of used us kids as the "other spouse". I knew when bills were due, how to mow the yard, what tax form to use, when to change the oil on a car, how to replace a water heater element, etc. because I had to. DH, on the other hand, had a personal tragedy early in his life and has a deeper, more mature respect for life and good decision making than he would have otherwise (but I still pay the bills).

 

I wouldn't wish either of these scenarios on any child for the sake of maturing quicker, but I can't think of any other reason why we were more prepared for "adult life" than many others in our late teens/early 20's.

[T'smom]

We got married when I was 18 and dh was 22.

 

Some of the things I wish I'd been taught beforehand are:

 

- making a budget

- housekeeping, what to do when

- how to cook and make a menu

 

 

I wish I knew this stuff now!!!! And anyone looking at me/my life would call me successful.

 

I went off to college and then had my own apartment for a couple of years before getting married. Honestly, the thing that was hardest for me (and I suspect dh) was that we had each had our own apartment for a few years. We lived all by ourselves. It was wonderful, glorious. It was really hard to learn to share my space when we first married. It's still hard when I have something the way I want it and someone comes along and messes it up.

 

And the menu thing? WHY is this soooo hard for me? All I have to do is make a list of what I want to make/eat! This should not be difficult- but for some reason I find it almost insurmountable.

[angela in ohio]

They are prepared because we have raised them to be adults, not grown children. :001_smile: Hard in this culture, but we've managed. My dds could runa home, manage a family's finances, and have the relationship skills to live well with other people. We model a happy marriage. We have talked to them at length about what an important choice marriage is and how they can go about it wisely.

 

I'm not a fan of the "throw them into a situation and they'll have to learn to deal with it" method. My parents and many in their generation took that approach. Instead, we have been open about finances, problems, relationships, etc. with our dc so that they could learn hwo to handle things well. There are other ways to learn than through painful experience, but you have to have a relationship with them that makes them want to learn from you and trust you.

[BarbecueMom]

Our oldest married young and our middle daughter moved out on her own at a young age.

What I wish both of them would work on is the reality that as 20-somethings that they don't get to live at the same level their parents do.

 

When we were young and moved out, we lived in small apartments, ate frugally, drove beater cars. As our incomes rose, so did our standard of living. But when our kids moved out, they felt they should live like we do now.

 

That's a big one. DH and I are both very low maintenance and actually enjoyed the "forced frugality" of young married life.

 

Every young couple needs to watch the episode of Boy Meets World where Cory and Topenga's sink is broken, and Cory's dad won't help him fix it. I can't remember exactly what his dad said, but it was something about his own dad not coming to his rescue early in their marriage, and working out the problem on his own was so important that he wouldn't take that experience away from Cory.

[KristinaBreece]

That's a big one. DH and I are both very low maintenance and actually enjoyed the "forced frugality" of young married life.

 

Every young couple needs to watch the episode of Boy Meets World where Cory and Topenga's sink is broken, and Cory's dad won't help him fix it. I can't remember exactly what his dad said, but it was something about his own dad not coming to his rescue early in their marriage, and working out the problem on his own was so important that he wouldn't take that experience away from Cory.

 

Yes. DH struggles with this. His parents want to "rescue us" from such a "hard life" as we have. We live in a small apartment, and have to keep to a very strict budget. It's not glamorous, but the kids & I are happy with it. And DH is, too... Until his mom points out that he grew up with so much more, and that we aren't giving our kids every opportunity that he had. :glare: I grew up in a poor family, and I can see where DH & I are going, and that everything won't always be so tight. His parents married at 30 & didn't adopt him until they were 40. We had our DS when we were 21. It's a different life than they had, and different than what they wanted. We value my time with the kids, and we value facilitating their educations as best we can. My MIL values a new Buick every other year. I know they mean well, but we just have different priorities. Ok. MIL rant over.

[curlylocks]

I haven't read the whole thread...

 

We spent a lot of time with our children -- teaching them basic skills like home repair, budgeting, finances, etc. Talking about relationships and solving disputes -- what seems like really common sense stuff NOW but stuff my parents never taught me.

 

Another thing we did was require that our daughter take "Financial Peace University" by Dave Ramsey. (Her fiance decided to take it with her. :) )

 

They have learned some valuable information about budgeting, shopping for insurance, a mortgage, etc. - above and beyond what we have taught her.

[Mommyof4ks]

Dh and I got married at 19, and we both finished college despite having dd only 18 months after we got married. I am not sure I fully understand the issue here, but dd11 and I talk often about what to look for in a guy, so that whenever she decides to start looking she will be prepared. I don't really want her to get married as young as I did, but it will be her decision, and no matter when she decides to there are things like a budget, insurance choices, and so on that she will need to know about. I have been married for 13 years, and I still take care of most of that. If she never marries she will still need that knowledge.

[jennsmile]

My mom had a hard time with this as we didn't really boomerang back like our cousins. We grew up and moved on with life, a little too soon in her opinion.

 

I got married at 19. I had never lived on my own, I had attended jr college. I had been taught from a young age to make my own decisions. I helped around the house. I had part time jobs outside the home starting at 11, babysitting then cashier at a local produce store.

 

My parents trusted me along the way and supported me. They taught me what was right, how to be independent.

 

I saw how they dealt with money (extreme cc debt followed by credit counseling.) Nope never buying something on a card I can't pay off at the end of the month. EVER! Saw how it affected them.

 

I saw how they dealt with an emotional affair and diagnosis of bipolar for my dad. I knew all the things that drove my mom batty about my dad and opted to not look for those in a mate.

 

I still had somethings that I needed to learn but I don't think I could have learned them till it was time to actually do them. My hardest part with cooking was cooking for 2 not 6...

 

And I had a list. I wanted an eagle scout, returned missionary, seminary graduate(I am LDS) and he had to be an equal. Somebody who could lift me up. Oh and he had to be worthy to take me to the LDS temple to get married. And a sense of humor and be a hard worker.

 

At the same time those were all things I had a goal of or had done. I got my Young Women's in Excellence which is like an Eagle scout award. I wanted to go on a mission. I graduated seminary. I was worthy to go to the temple. And I try to laugh when needed and was a hard worker.

 

Jenn

[Kirch]

I got married at 16...so talking from experience here..

 

Talk to your kids. Let them SEE how you deal with things in everyday life, and how you deal with being a grown up. I think one of the biggest disservices parents do to their kids these days is shelter them from every bad thing they can. Tell them how your finances work, why you are stressed about something called insurance, what in the world a debt is, show them how to find out information when you have a problem.

 

Make sure they have GOOD male role models in their lives. They need to see what a decent, responsible man is like (whether they are a boy or a girl) Men have a bad rap these days, and they need to know that it's not OK to BE a deadbeat or to marry one.

 

By the time they are entering puberty, they should be well on their way to being able to run a household. My girls all know how to clean and cook. They don't always choose to DO it, but the knowledge is there.

 

And BE THERE for them. My parents failed miserably at this my whole life, but one of the things that has held my marriage together is my dh's parents. They have been there for us unconditionally.

 

Show them how couples should love each other. Be kind to your spouse and let them see it. But also let them see that it is WORK to stay married.

 

Although in today's world I DON'T recommend marriage at 16, I think that between 18-25 are great years to start a family.

 

:iagree: I think the biggest thing we can do towards preparing our kids to be self-sufficient at a younger age (whether that means marriage or just being able to make it on their own) is to expect more from them--gradually increasing responsibility and independence throughout their teen years. Let them make mistakes and even fail from time to time while they're in our homes before the consequences are heavier. Expect them to contribute to the family in meaningful ways--chores, cooking dinner, working alongside parents to learn how to change tires, manage household stuff, etc. If their lives are primarily about entertainment and having fun with no real responsibilities, they're not going to be ready.

[PeacefulChaos]

What are some specific ways we can help our kids be mature enough to marry around 18-22 if they meet the right person?

 

Some of my concerns are:

 

1. Daughters (and occasionally sons) who are not allowed to move out on their own may be very naive about how to choose an apartment or house, deal with faceless corporations like banks when something goes wrong, choose a decent landlord, avoid fake car repairs, etc.

 

I know it doesn't have to be this way, but our previous church was rather patriarchal and I think the young women seemed very naive. One man allowed his 21 year old daughter to move away to a Christian college and I think the elders were unhappy about it.

 

I know we all learn how to deal with situations like identity theft, etc through experience, but I'm concerned that kids that have never been allowed to move out until they marry may find it hard to learn to deal with life, marriage, living on your own, and a possible fast pregnency all at once

 

2. How can we help our kids develop their own "deal-breaker" list of what they absolutely don't want in a spouse? Again, my experience at our last church makes me think many of these kids won't have enough experience being friends with the opposite sex to figure out what traits would drive them crazy. The attitude of many of the parents seems to be that as long as a person is "godly," then not much else matters. I disagree. I know many men that I could never be happily married to. And likewise, I would drive then crazy. My husband and I, however, are a good fit, and traits that would drive other men insane don't bother him.

 

3. How can we help them choose a career and prepare for it? Earlier marriage can still allow people to finish college, but once kids come, I think it becomes much, much harder for the wife to make sure she has some skills to fall back on in case she ever needs to get a job. Let's face it, if employees are getting passed over after being out of work for six months, what chance do I have (as a degree holder that never had a career

I think that allowing them to experience life as it comes to more of an extent than many do - letting them WORK. Hard. Giving them bigger responsibilities than a lot of teenagers have. Model a marriage and what it is - model finances and what they are - same with everything else. Get them a checking account that is their money only when they start working (16, or earlier if necessary) and have them take care of it and don't rescue them. Work with them on how to make a budget (I thoroughly dislike DR stuff, but the budgeting principles we use are similar).

Also, it sounds corny, but DH is all about the list of things you want in your future spouse. He has had some teenage girls make it even now at church (in particular, a girl who we know really well who doesn't have a dad so to speak - not just random teenagers! :lol:) And even though it gets made fun of, the list isn't a bad idea.

We got married when I was 18 and dh was 22.

 

Some of the things I wish I'd been taught beforehand are:

 

- making a budget

- housekeeping, what to do when

- how to cook and make a menu

These are all great ones. I knew about budgeting, but Gma was a bit of a perfectionist so I didn't do much housecleaning or meal preparing. I didn't know how to cook til DH and I got married (I was 18) except chocolate chip cookies. That said, I've never found it hard...follow the recipe, easy. :) But I still can't peel potatoes without it taking forever. So I avoid them. :D

 

I got married at 16...so talking from experience here..

 

Talk to your kids. Let them SEE how you deal with things in everyday life, and how you deal with being a grown up. I think one of the biggest disservices parents do to their kids these days is shelter them from every bad thing they can. Tell them how your finances work, why you are stressed about something called insurance, what in the world a debt is, show them how to find out information when you have a problem.

 

Make sure they have GOOD male role models in their lives. They need to see what a decent, responsible man is like (whether they are a boy or a girl) Men have a bad rap these days, and they need to know that it's not OK to BE a deadbeat or to marry one.

 

By the time they are entering puberty, they should be well on their way to being able to run a household. My girls all know how to clean and cook. They don't always choose to DO it, but the knowledge is there.

 

And BE THERE for them. My parents failed miserably at this my whole life, but one of the things that has held my marriage together is my dh's parents. They have been there for us unconditionally.

 

Show them how couples should love each other. Be kind to your spouse and let them see it. But also let them see that it is WORK to stay married.

 

Although in today's world I DON'T recommend marriage at 16, I think that between 18-25 are great years to start a family.

:iagree:

Our oldest married young and our middle daughter moved out on her own at a young age.

What I wish both of them would work on is the reality that as 20-somethings that they don't get to live at the same level their parents do.

 

When we were young and moved out, we lived in small apartments, ate frugally, drove beater cars. As our incomes rose, so did our standard of living. But when our kids moved out, they felt they should live like we do now.

 

Dd's husband lost is job when the church closed, and our other dd lost her job as a pharmacy tech. Even though dh and I have worried that the girls were living too high, now it's become a real issue.

 

:iagree:

Even though this is something that I KNOW, it was hard at first. I grew up in a family of just 3 people (and only 2 of us were home 4 days of the week), and we went out to eat about 3-4 times out of the week. When we needed (use that word loosely in this context lol... think like, 'i need a new black sweater to wear with my dress sunday' type need lol) something, we went and bought it. We didn't waste money - we shopped on clearance racks and I was raised to be a great bargain shopper :lol: - but even knowing that we couldn't live the same way when we first got married, it was hard not to. I didn't feel like cooking, we can just order a pizza, right? I still sometimes fall back into that even now, 10 years later! :) It's a constant thing for some, I think. But if they don't even know to begin with? Yeah, not good.

Edited September 30, 2011 by PeacefulChaos

[mommaduck]

#2. I had a list of higher standards than my folks.

 

#1. I went from my folks to my husband (with a couple of months staying with friends in between, but not paying bills, etc...basically walking in a fog from family issues) and I had none of the problems you listed. In fact, it was easier for me to deal with because I DID have a partner.

 

#3. Yep, I should have gone on the get my degree before kids. I was more focused on working than getting my degree. DH quit college because a teacher used class time to verbally beat up Christians constantly. We were too young to know that he should have just approached someone above the teacher. So that would be an area I agree should be addressed with any teenager.

[Homemama2]

 

What are some specific ways we can help our kids be mature enough to marry around 18-22 if they meet the right person?

 

Some of my concerns are:

 

1. Daughters (and occasionally sons) who are not allowed to move out on their own may be very naive about how to choose an apartment or house, deal with faceless corporations like banks when something goes wrong, choose a decent landlord, avoid fake car repairs, etc. I didn't move out until I got married at 21 (summer after college.) My parents didn't have the money to send me away somewhere to college, and while I HATED that at the time, looking back it was probably one of the best decisions they could have made financially for me. Between what they had saved for me for college and my scholarships, it meant I graduated college 100% debt free. I would have had a ton of debt if I had gone away to college. That said, my dh and I bought our first house my senior year of college, and so that was when my dh (20 at the time) moved out of his home.

 

 

I know we all learn how to deal with situations like identity theft, etc through experience, but I'm concerned that kids that have never been allowed to move out until they marry may find it hard to learn to deal with life, marriage, living on your own, and a possible fast pregnency all at once

 

I think the best thing to prepare young adults to BE adults is to treat them like they are. Have them get a job, and a checking account. Let them get a credit card when they are old enough and TEACH them how to budget their money so they don't blow it on every little thing that they think they want. If they want a car, let them pay for the gas, insurance etc. Sometimes people feel like this is being mean, but how are they suppose to figure out how to budget money when they are on their own, if they never have to when they are at home?

 

Let them cook supper one night a month on their own. Give them money and a grocery list and let them go to the store for you. (I'll never forget my first time grocery shopping! Holy sticker shock!)

 

I think alot of younger adults are naive about things like this, but I don't think being on their own is really the underlying issue. The issue is that they need to learn these things, so either their parent should teach them, or they have to learn them on their own. Personally, I think it's easier having someone teach you when you're young, not letting you fumble around on your own after moving out (no matter what age that is.)

Edited September 30, 2011 by Homemama2

[CalicoKat]

What are some specific ways we can help our kids be mature enough to marry around 18-22 if they meet the right person?

 

Some of my concerns are:

 

1. Daughters (and occasionally sons) who are not allowed to move out on their own may be very naive about how to choose an apartment or house, deal with faceless corporations like banks when something goes wrong, choose a decent landlord, avoid fake car repairs, etc.

 

I know it doesn't have to be this way, but our previous church was rather patriarchal and I think the young women seemed very naive. One man allowed his 21 year old daughter to move away to a Christian college and I think the elders were unhappy about it.

 

I know we all learn how to deal with situations like identity theft, etc through experience, but I'm concerned that kids that have never been allowed to move out until they marry may find it hard to learn to deal with life, marriage, living on your own, and a possible fast pregnency all at once

 

2. How can we help our kids develop their own "deal-breaker" list of what they absolutely don't want in a spouse? Again, my experience at our last church makes me think many of these kids won't have enough experience being friends with the opposite sex to figure out what traits would drive them crazy. The attitude of many of the parents seems to be that as long as a person is "godly," then not much else matters. I disagree. I know many men that I could never be happily married to. And likewise, I would drive then crazy. My husband and I, however, are a good fit, and traits that would drive other men insane don't bother him.

 

3. How can we help them choose a career and prepare for it? Earlier marriage can still allow people to finish college, but once kids come, I think it becomes much, much harder for the wife to make sure she has some skills to fall back on in case she ever needs to get a job. Let's face it, if employees are getting passed over after being out of work for six months, what chance do I have (as a degree holder that never had a career

RE: Deal buster list -- it was a weekly dinner conversation in my family of all girls when the oldest started dating. But it wasn't until I was an adult that I realized this is what it was.

 

We'd talk about the boys and what we like or didn't like and then we'd get some feedback from my folks like, "Well you can see what he'd be like as a married man by the way he treats his sisters or mother." And, "Do you like ...... ?" Why or why not.

 

We talked a lot. I actually didn't marry my childhood sweetheart because of the statement above. And I'm glad for that decision today still. He's on his 2nd marriage.

[ElizaG]

And I had a list. I wanted an eagle scout, returned missionary, seminary graduate(I am LDS) and he had to be an equal. Somebody who could lift me up. Oh and he had to be worthy to take me to the LDS temple to get married. And a sense of humor and be a hard worker.

 

At the same time those were all things I had a goal of or had done. I got my Young Women's in Excellence which is like an Eagle scout award. I wanted to go on a mission. I graduated seminary. I was worthy to go to the temple. And I try to laugh when needed and was a hard worker.

Thank you for sharing this. As a young single person, I didn't lack the basic practical skills for living on my own. But I didn't really know what I was looking for in a spouse. Or rather, when I tried to make a list, it seemed unrealistic because I wasn't anywhere near meeting those standards myself. So I ended up dating people whose lives were just as confused and blah as mine was.

 

At the same time, I was also looking for a spiritual direction, but never really linked the two until I read a book called Knight in Shining Armor in my mid-20's. It was just what I needed at the time -- or rather, what I needed years earlier, but didn't know it -- and it really turned on the light for me. Your post reminded me of that experience.

 

(For all the intellectually challenging literature I'd read in college, I find it pretty funny that my life was changed by reading a mass-market Christian advice book by someone called "Bunny." :D )

[Ginevra]

I think it's important to have discussions with your kids about "What are you looking for in a spouse?" from early on, no matter when you project (or if) they will get married.

 

Personally, I would not encourage or recommend early marriage. It's not the party line I support around here.

[DianeW88]

Become a Mormon. :lol: That's when most of us get married (I was 21). And we're pretty successful at it. The divorce rate for Mormons married in an LDS temple is less than 10%.

[justamouse]

Teach BOTH sexes how to cook, laundry, how to shop, make a menu, keep to a budget, how to clean well.

 

Every day there are opportunities to teach what to look for in a mate. What virtues are needed for a healthy relationship. They may not know what they want, but what they DON'T want is also a place to start.

 

I'm all for early marriage, and I'm all for them getting their educations, too, while they're starting out. ;) Or, how to become a small business owner. They can always work for Dad, but they have to get an education.

[6packofun]

Well, I actually think that the best preparation for getting married is preparation for being an *adult*, without the expectation that marriage will happen.

 

I married somewhat young and I can tell you that I wished--even before getting married--that my parents had helped me learn more about finances. My dh would say the same! I did not finish college and never had a career; I am encouraging my dds to approach their life after leaving this house as if they are to follow God where he takes them and have no *expectations* that he is automatically going to lead them to the married life. Singlehood is a blessing, IMO, in a way that is wonderfully different than married life is--and I say that as a proponent of marriage. I want my children to focus on being a WHOLE person, devoted to following Christ, and not half of a person waiting and pining for someone to complete them. (I see this a lot in Christian circles, which is why I mention it. :) )

[DawnM]

:agree: We will discourage early marriage as much as possible.

 

My parents were in their late 20s, I was 29, my paternal grandmother was in her early 30s......and we all have stayed married to the same person with no divorces :D Not saying that is the cause, but it helps to be mature and have education and some career under your belt.

 

Dawn

 

I think it's important to have discussions with your kids about "What are you looking for in a spouse?" from early on, no matter when you project (or if) they will get married.

 

Personally, I would not encourage or recommend early marriage. It's not the party line I support around here.

[chiguirre]

I got married at 22 and we're still married. I'm not sure my experience is all that relevant to the situation you describe, but I'll tell it anyway. ;)

 

I wasn't allowed to date at all in high school. I was expected to earn top grades, top test scores and rack up as impressive a resume of extracurriculars as I could. My parents thought that allowing teenagers to focus on dating was a waste of time and allowing them to be alone together was asking for trouble. Judging from the vicarious experience I gained watching my friends, I think they were right and will impose the same rules on my kids (this probably doesn't apply to the boys because of their autism, but if they were neurotypical I'd do the same thing).

 

I didn't have any trouble with managing a bank account or an apartment when I was in college. Things popped up, and I dealt with them. You live and learn. OTOH, dh lived at home during college and as a young professional just like everybody else in Venezuela and he managed just fine when he moved away and started grad school. Either option can work, it's more a matter of maturity and responsibility than where you live.

 

Finishing your education and establishing your career before children is essential to your financial well-being imho. Both dh and I had built solid resumes before we got married, even though we were young. I would discourage my kids from marrying before they graduated from college or learned a trade at a minimum. Life's hard enough without setting yourself up for a lifetime of financial hardship.

 

As to selecting a spouse, I think you should pick someone who shares your core values and comes from a background you'll be comfortable in. You may not love your inlaws, but you will have to tolerate them for a very long time, so pick them carefully. It's also a good idea to be on the same wavelength about financial decisions and family dynamics. It's important to be flexible and resilient. A good sense of humor doesn't hurt. I'm not sure how you can be sure that a future spouse possesses the right qualities, it's a bit of a crapshoot to guess what someone will be like 20 or 40 or 60 years in the future. Dh and I lived together for a year before we got married, so we knew that we got along as young professionals without kids. We didn't know if we'd get along as middle aged parents of 2 special needs kids and a nt fireball and we still don't know if we'll get along as old codgers.

[melbotoast]

Become a Mormon. :lol: That's when most of us get married (I was 21). And we're pretty successful at it. The divorce rate for Mormons married in an LDS temple is less than 10%.

 

Diane, I'm also LDS and have always heard the divorce rate is higher than that. Do you have a source? I agree about the Mormons marrying young though :001_smile:

 

I moved out and went to college at 17 (almost 18) and got married at 18 (almost 19). I think my parents did a good job preparing me to live on my own for the most part. I could do basic cooking, cleaning, and get along with people. I think it might have been nice to have more work experience. I didn't have a job in high school, but got a job in college. It would have been nice to have more practice with depositing paychecks, banking, etc.

 

We've been married for 6 years now, and I think I picked a good husband :)

[Tabrett]

Things that I did as a teen that prepared me.

(Just a little side note- it was only me and my mom.)

 

1. I had a job at 16.

2. I had my own checking account at 16 (no parental over site). I paid for all my clothes, gas and car insurance when I was working.

3. I did all my and my Mom's laundry at the laundry mat once I got a car (we didn't have a washer and dryer).

4. I made my lunches for school and cooked when my mom didn't.

5. I was responsible for keeping the house clean.

6. I dated regularly.

7. I went off to college at 18.

 

Family bought me my car and paid for my college even though I got married at 20 between my sophomore and junior year.

 

I was very prepared for marriage at 20 and have been married for 20 years.:D

 

I am a Christian and I think the patriarch movement is silly. We don't live in a society where that is necessary. IMHO

[DianeW88]

Diane, I'm also LDS and have always heard the divorce rate is higher than that. Do you have a source? I agree about the Mormons marrying young though :001_smile:

 

I moved out and went to college at 17 (almost 18) and got married at 18 (almost 19). I think my parents did a good job preparing me to live on my own for the most part. I could do basic cooking, cleaning, and get along with people. I think it might have been nice to have more work experience. I didn't have a job in high school, but got a job in college. It would have been nice to have more practice with depositing paychecks, banking, etc.

 

We've been married for 6 years now, and I think I picked a good husband :)

 

There are a few articles out there if you google it. It varies from as low as 6% to as high as 20% (upon further research on my part), depending on the source. And, I'm sure the veracity of it has all been debated ad nauseum. Non-temple marriage divorce rates are equivalent to the national average, I believe. Here's one source (I picked it because it was not an LDS publication...it's referencing the LA Times):

 

http://www.adherents.com/largecom/lds_marriage.html

[sewingmama]

Become a Mormon. :lol: That's when most of us get married (I was 21). And we're pretty successful at it. The divorce rate for Mormons married in an LDS temple is less than 10%.

 

If you live in Utah maybe. ;)

 

In Aus the general age for an LDS getting married is a bit higher then that. I was 26 and DH was 29 (he is Canadian). I would say general age to get married is around 24 - early marriage is not really encouraged here - and I won't be encouraging it with my kids either. The pattern in Aus seems to be the earlier you get married the more likely you are to get divorced -Temple marriages included.

[sewingmama]

Well, I actually think that the best preparation for getting married is preparation for being an *adult*, without the expectation that marriage will happen.

 

I married somewhat young and I can tell you that I wished--even before getting married--that my parents had helped me learn more about finances. My dh would say the same! I did not finish college and never had a career; I am encouraging my dds to approach their life after leaving this house as if they are to follow God where he takes them and have no *expectations* that he is automatically going to lead them to the married life. Singlehood is a blessing, IMO, in a way that is wonderfully different than married life is--and I say that as a proponent of marriage. I want my children to focus on being a WHOLE person, devoted to following Christ, and not half of a person waiting and pining for someone to complete them. (I see this a lot in Christian circles, which is why I mention it. :) )

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

In Mormon culture you are veiwed very harshly if you don't get married - it's seen as the be all and end all. I've seen too many single women sit around and do nothing with their life becaue they are waiting to get married and sometimes it just doesn't happen.

 

I have a DD who has some special needs that mean she may never get married. Bringing her up in the LDS culture where marriage is emphasised is TOUGH. I understand the importance of marriage to an LDS person BUT the reality is not everyone is going to get married and it can really make single life for an LDS person more painful then it needs to be.

 

Anyway I will be preparing my kids to survive as a single person and not placing a ton of emphasis on "needing to be married to be complete and a worthwhile person".

[justamouse]

Things that I did as a teen that prepared me.

(Just a little side note- it was only me and my mom.)

 

1. I had a job at 16.

2. I had my own checking account at 16 (no parental over site). I paid for all my clothes, gas and car insurance when I was working.

3. I did all my and my Mom's laundry at the laundry mat once I got a car (we didn't have a washer and dryer).

4. I made my lunches for school and cooked when my mom didn't.

5. I was responsible for keeping the house clean.

6. I dated regularly.

7. I went off to college at 18.

 

Family bought me my car and paid for my college even though I got married at 20 between my sophomore and junior year.

 

I was very prepared for marriage at 20 and have been married for 20 years.:D

 

I am a Christian and I think the patriarch movement is silly. We don't live in a society where that is necessary. IMHO

:iagree:

[missesd]

Become a Mormon. :lol: That's when most of us get married (I was 21). And we're pretty successful at it. The divorce rate for Mormons married in an LDS temple is less than 10%.

 

That may be, but the % of unhappy "I got married too young" people is A LOT higher. The anti-depression rates in Utah alone are staggering. To me it's not about the % of divorce, though of course I'd rather not see my children go through this painful process, but about their overall happiness and well-being and that of the children in the home. Having lived and learned, I'd rather they had the courage to get out if the marriage was too unhappy and affecting day to day life and the lives of any children involved.

 

Just my .02

[Joyofsixreboot]

Our plan ,since dd still has had no relationships at 19 and 17 yo ds has only had one very teen one, is an untested work in progress.

1. Work and be responsible for your expenses. (We start this as soon as they mow yards or babysit. Mom and dad no longer cover everything.)

2. Let them fight their own battles. Unless a kid past 15 is in physical danger they take care of whatever they have to fight or figure out. If asked I give info but I'm not calling or e-mailing anyone.

3. Talk, talk, talk, discuss and answer about what it means to be an adult, what responsibilities are, what you want in life.

 

I think earlier is a good idea but dd is focused on a career in missions or helping others and I really wonder if she will ever marry.

 

As an aside my kids (ds and dd) do their own laundry( from about 8), clean, mow, cook, grocery shop, get oil changes schedule appointments and generally learn how to take care of things. I don't believe childhood is ALL about play it's about becoming an adult.

Edited September 30, 2011 by joyofsix

[Mama Geek]

I think a key is being confident in your beliefs and knowing what is important to you. Then finding someone who agrees with you on the major issues. When dh and I first started dating he had a long list of questions that we discussed over many hours. The topics included politics, religion, finances, goals, children, families, morals, careers, all of the things that can cause major amounts of friction in a marriage. There were some small things that we differed on, but no deal breakers. A couple of the things that really impressed me about dh is that he knew how to deal with most problems and he knew how to prepare. He also was very strong in his religious believes and knew that once he married it was forever and that it was not just a promise to me, but a promise to himself and God as well.

 

I do agree with others in that giving children more and more responsibility as they get older is very important. I expect my dd to be able to run our house by the time she is 15. That includes finances, housekeeping, cooking, and a good number of other things. I also hope to have a small business that she will be heavily involved in when she is older.

[Mom-ninja.]

I think it's important to be on your own for a bit before getting married.

 

I got married at 22. However, I moved out when I was 18. I even moved to another country. So, it was a few years of me learning to be an adult before I met and married dh.

[Mom-ninja.]

Become a Mormon. :lol: That's when most of us get married (I was 21). And we're pretty successful at it. The divorce rate for Mormons married in an LDS temple is less than 10%.

 

Really? I'm surprised at that stat. Most of my Mormon friends from high school (I went to high school in SLC) have had a temple divorce.

[momma2three]

I can't find any stats about divorce rates by religion, but by far the group with the highest divorce rate are people who marry before the age of 24.

[Jennifer3141]

I'm not sure, as encouragement of young marriage is something really foreign to my world view. I don't want my son to marry that early. In fact, I don't have any great need to see him get married at all. I have no burning desire for grand children. It's purely his choice.

 

As far as dealing with real life things like rent, landlords, jobs, spending, etc., again, I'm not expecting him to pack his things and get out at 18. He's an only child, so it's no burden for him to continue living at home into his twenties.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

My kids would be getting married over my dead body at this age. :lol::lol:

[jennsmile]

 

In Mormon culture you are veiwed very harshly if you don't get married - it's seen as the be all and end all. I've seen too many single women sit around and do nothing with their life becaue they are waiting to get married and sometimes it just doesn't happen.

 

I have a DD who has some special needs that mean she may never get married. Bringing her up in the LDS culture where marriage is emphasised is TOUGH. I understand the importance of marriage to an LDS person BUT the reality is not everyone is going to get married and it can really make single life for an LDS person more painful then it needs to be.

 

Anyway I will be preparing my kids to survive as a single person and not placing a ton of emphasis on "needing to be married to be complete and a worthwhile person".

:iagree:

 

:grouphug: I have a friend that will likely never marry either. It is hard. I have appreciated the choice of Sheri Dew and Barbara Thomas in the RS General Presidency. They are awesome role models. :)

[melbotoast]

 

In Mormon culture you are veiwed very harshly if you don't get married - it's seen as the be all and end all. I've seen too many single women sit around and do nothing with their life becaue they are waiting to get married and sometimes it just doesn't happen.

 

I have a DD who has some special needs that mean she may never get married. Bringing her up in the LDS culture where marriage is emphasised is TOUGH. I understand the importance of marriage to an LDS person BUT the reality is not everyone is going to get married and it can really make single life for an LDS person more painful then it needs to be.

 

Anyway I will be preparing my kids to survive as a single person and not placing a ton of emphasis on "needing to be married to be complete and a worthwhile person".

:iagree:I definitely think preparing to be a productive adult is the top priority. I did get my (incredibly marketable) BS in psychology before having kids, but haven't worked since. I do worry about that occasionally.

 

 

Thanks for that source, Diana.

[momma2three]

:iagree::iagree:

 

My kids would be getting married over my dead body at this age. :lol::lol:

 

Ditto... I got married at 25, and consider that pretty young! This is an interesting thread to read, though... honestly I don't think it even occurred to me that people would think getting married younger is better! I don't think I know anyone in real life who would think that... the advice is usually that there's no rush. And, food for thought, I live in the state with the lowest divorce rate in the US :)

[Jennifer3141]

Ditto... I got married at 25, and consider that pretty young! This is an interesting thread to read, though... honestly I don't think it even occurred to me that people would think getting married younger is better! I don't think I know anyone in real life who would think that... the advice is usually that there's no rush. And, food for thought, I live in the state with the lowest divorce rate in the US :)

 

 

I've never heard any of my friends express this desire for their kids to get married young. We're all hoping for grad schools!!!! I want to be a really OLD grammy! :)

[lionfamily1999]

I agree with the pps who mentioned lessons in housekeeping (not just cleaning, but paying bills, anticipating taxes and repairs &tc). I've started having dd do taxes with some of our ancient tax papers. She also balances a pretend check-book (we don't actually use checks :lol:). Dd's learning to budget and when she starts to daydream about the future I try to shed a little reality into the mix (sure, three hundred a month isn't too bad a car payment, but don't forget your insurance will be nearly the same amount).

 

Dh and I married young, we just had our anniversary last Sunday (12 years). At first I was very against my kids getting married young... then I remembered that once they're 18 it's not up to me anymore :p Now, I just try to have them prepared for anything :lol:

[Mama Geek]

For those of you who have said over your dead body can your kids get married at 18 are you really willing to go to war with them over that issue? I understand preferring that they wait but it doesn't always work that way.

 

I look at it as I would rather dd get married at 18 than to have pre marital sex.

 

The one other thing that I should have mentioned in my previous post was to be their example and to find others that have strong marriages to be examples for them. Women should be good wives and mothers and men should be good husbands and fathers. I think that goes a long way towards teaching the kids about what it takes.

[Jennifer3141]

For those of you who have said over your dead body can your kids get married at 18 are you really willing to go to war with them over that issue? I understand preferring that they wait but it doesn't always work that way.

 

I look at it as I would rather dd get married at 18 than to have pre marital sex.

 

The one other thing that I should have mentioned in my previous post was to be their example and to find others that have strong marriages to be examples for them. Women should be good wives and mothers and men should be good husbands and fathers. I think that goes a long way towards teaching the kids about what it takes.

 

Uh, in NO way whatsoever would I support my DD getting married before at LEAST 25. I hope like cray my kids have responsible pre-marital sex. Absolutely.

 

I figured out birth control at 17. I'm hoping my kids are at least as smart as I!

 

I don't want my DD to be a good wife. I want her to be a HAPPY one - secure in her own education and future and a full, equal partner to her husband, not subservient to any man. I expect that's what my kids will look for because that's what they already know.

 

But no, I will not pay for any wedding before the age of 25, at least.

 

I have one close friend who got married young but the majority of the people in our lives had at least a bachelor's and most of them had doctorates before they got married.