Mom in High Heels Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Please help! I'm not the neatest person in the world, but James Bond is a complete and utter slob and I'm at the end of my rope. He didn't grow up in a clean house (his parents house icks me out) so messes don't bother him. It's driving me crazy. We have 4 (FOUR) hampers in our house and his clothes never make it into even one of them. He does his own laundry (he always has since I refuse to do any laundry that doesn't make it into the hamper) and instead of putting it away, he just leaves it in the laundry hamper he carried to the laundry room and pulls out what he needs. His dirty clothes therefore end up on the floor. You literally cannot walk on his side of the bed. He's even tripped coming to bed at night it's so bad. He leaves messes all over the house. He'll drag a million things out and not put them away. He has ADHD (he is medicated) and has more hobbies than any one person should have. One of his hobbies is wood carving, which he does in the living room! I've told him a hundred times that is not an indoor hobby, but he doesn't care. He always says he'll clean it up, but there are wood shavings constantly on the floor and they hurt when you step on them. I'll gripe about it and then he swears he'll clean it up next time (har har). Of course I have to constantly sweep shavings. He leaves his clothes everywhere. When he comes home from work, he takes off his uniform jacket (like a heavy shirt) and hangs it on the back of Indy's dining chair instead of putting it in our room. This drives Indy crazy. He can't sit comfortably in his chair at dinner with the jacket there. Indy grumbles about it and asks James Bond not to leave it there. Of course JB says he won't, but the next night it's the same thing. When I point out something to him, he looks at it like he had no idea there was a mess there. He doesn't see it. Like I said though, his parents house is a mess, so he's just used to it. We've been married 16 years and I've tried everything to get him to change his ways but nothing has worked. What can I do? I'm tired of this. Indy is cleaner than James Bond. Of course that's because I've taught him how to be clean. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 My best friend who is married to a man with ADHD (medicated but still not terribly functional in many ways) has been known to carry a large box around the house and put all of her dh's stray things in it, then place it on his side of the bed. She gave up hope of changing his ways long ago, but this helps her sanity a bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) So he actually ignores you while you are asking him not to wood carve in the living room? That sounds like more than ADHD to me. What is the medication doing if it isn't helping his behavior? Edited September 13, 2011 by Sis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom in High Heels Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 So he actually ignores you while you are asking him not to wood carve in the living room? That sounds like more than ADHD to me. What is the medication doing if it isn't helping his behavior? Believe it or not, the medication has made him worlds better. It was almost intolerable before medication and brought us to the brink of divorce. That was what made him finally see a doctor. The wood carving though, it's making me nuts. He says he has to keep his hands busy. He literally cannot sit still unless he's working on the computer (which is thankfully what he does at work all day). Even when he sleeps he rocks his foot (and that's why we bought a king size Tempurpedic bed). When I tell him it bothers me, he thinks I'm be dramatic. This is how he was raised though. His parents do all sorts of messy, crafty, hobby things all over the house and don't bother to clean them up. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 So he actually ignores you while you are asking him not to wood carve in the living room? That sounds like more than ADHD to me. What is the medication doing if it isn't helping his behavior? :iagree: I have ADD. I clean up after myself. My parents were (are) not good housekeepers. I still learned to be a grown-up and do what's expected of me. Didn't you also say he is a terrible packrat or was that someone else? Honestly, I think he has more going on that ADHD. ADHD, *alone* would not cause someone to do all of those things. Has he been tested for Asperger's? Have you considered counseling? Have you thought about talking to a MFLC? He could learn to do something else with his hands like knit or doodle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crafty Mathy Mom Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Are we married to the same man? Actually, his clothes do eventually make it to the hamper in the laundry area. It's usually the same day he's out of clean socks and underwear. My biggest gripe right now is his car. :ack2:I have a part time job, and I need to drive his car because it gets better gas mileage, and he would need the van to go anywhere with the kids. The first day I took out countless fast food wrappers, banana peels, dirty clothes, cups, cups, more cups, junk mail, insurance papers, and even tax papers. Then I could stand to drive it. When I mentioned the state of the car, he said "It's my car. You wanted to drive it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I'm living on the other end of your life. Believe me, yours sounds like a dream come true deal. I don't know why that tickles me to imagine a day of your life, but sure sounds like fun to me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I'm living on the other end of your life. Believe me, yours sounds like a dream come true deal. I don't know why that tickles me to imagine a day of your life, but sure sounds like fun to me! :( Are you married to the guy from Sleeping With the Enemy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Aaaaand this thread will be deleted for husband bashing in...5...4...3...2... :lol: Not that you are really bashing. It must be frustrating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLVD Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) Please help! I'm not the neatest person in the world, but James Bond is a complete and utter slob and I'm at the end of my rope. He didn't grow up in a clean house (his parents house icks me out) so messes don't bother him. It's driving me crazy. We have 4 (FOUR) hampers in our house and his clothes never make it into even one of them. He does his own laundry (he always has since I refuse to do any laundry that doesn't make it into the hamper) and instead of putting it away, he just leaves it in the laundry hamper he carried to the laundry room and pulls out what he needs. His dirty clothes therefore end up on the floor. You literally cannot walk on his side of the bed. He's even tripped coming to bed at night it's so bad. He leaves messes all over the house. He'll drag a million things out and not put them away. He has ADHD (he is medicated) and has more hobbies than any one person should have. One of his hobbies is wood carving, which he does in the living room! I've told him a hundred times that is not an indoor hobby, but he doesn't care. He always says he'll clean it up, but there are wood shavings constantly on the floor and they hurt when you step on them. I'll gripe about it and then he swears he'll clean it up next time (har har). Of course I have to constantly sweep shavings. He leaves his clothes everywhere. When he comes home from work, he takes off his uniform jacket (like a heavy shirt) and hangs it on the back of Indy's dining chair instead of putting it in our room. This drives Indy crazy. He can't sit comfortably in his chair at dinner with the jacket there. Indy grumbles about it and asks James Bond not to leave it there. Of course JB says he won't, but the next night it's the same thing. When I point out something to him, he looks at it like he had no idea there was a mess there. He doesn't see it. Like I said though, his parents house is a mess, so he's just used to it. We've been married 16 years and I've tried everything to get him to change his ways but nothing has worked. What can I do? I'm tired of this. Indy is cleaner than James Bond. Of course that's because I've taught him how to be clean. :glare: I'm the same way. I have severe ADD. I promise, he isn't doing it on purpose..the not seeing stuff. I hate being like this. I honestly don't see it. That said, don't pick up after him. The box idea is good but that still feels maid-like. He may never see it and you may have to live with that but don't be the maid. Good luck. My SO is great at cleaning and I'm clearly...not. He has had to reduce his standards. I do my best and always try to get it together. But, he knows it isn't ever going to be exactly what he wants or else he will have to pick up after me all the time. Edited September 13, 2011 by YLVD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Oh nobody's bashing, it's behavior modification/appreciation/lifestyle discussion. (My fella is an engineer mindset-even the warranties are kept alphabetically filed around here. His socks are in light to dark order, his shirts are color to print to collar style organized. Our silverware drawer is alphabetically arranged..fork, knife, spoon..his shampoo bottles tallest to shortest..) I exaggerate (a little), but you get the idea.... Oh, to see him come home and throw something on the floor would be like Christmas. I'd totally videotape that in a heartbeat. What freedom! I'm not helpin you, am I? :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 My husband is way messier than I am and yes, his mother is crazy with not putting things away, messy hobbies, her house is a disaster although she has a formal dining room and living room that are always clean for guests. She keeps those rooms clean by never going in them. Respectfully I disagree with not being his maid. You live in the house all day long. You need it clean. I spend a certain amount of time picking up dh's mess and bite my lip and deal with it. Otherwise I couldn't live in the house. Now that said I throw away TONS of dh's crap. My rule is, If you leave it on the floor you don't want it enough to have a say that it stays. He will not notice most of what is thrown away, but you must be artful about throwing it out, lol. You must go to Goodwill immediately after you decide what you are giving away and what you are throwing away must go in the outside garbage without the children seeing you throw it out. Otherwise they tell him, "Mom threw away your undershirt with the holes, the one you love." About woodcarving, I would spread out a camping tarp under him when he starts this mess and dump it out. He will tell you how this time he is going to clean it up and he doesn't need the tarp but just smile and spread it out. But let it destroy the floor I wouldn't do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 :( Are you married to the guy from Sleeping With the Enemy? :eek: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I honestly would just do his laundry for him and put it away. I might not advice a young wife that because I would figure it just enables a man to be lazy and dependent. But 17 years into a marriage, I don't think doing it for him will make him worse. He' already about as 'worse' as it gets. I'd just take over the laundry and decide that I am not doing it for him, I am doing it for ME because I like my bedroom to be tidy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 When I get too fed up, I bag his stuff and put it in the shed. It solves both our problems. Neither of us have to put it away. :p Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 At his age, after all these years, no, he's not going to change. You can require him to keep working on it though. It's not fair for it to be a free-for-all. However, it's likely that he will not learn to see the mess, and certainly will not be bothered by it. The only way this can be tolerable for you is for you to change your expectations and habits. I think the box idea is a good one. As for the wood shavings, can that be contained by asking him to carve over a box or a tray? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Argh. I feel your pain but have no real suggestions, other than to quit bringing his slobby parents into the discussion. He's surely lived with you long enough to overcome any of those tendancies. :glare: Sometime if we say things like that in our heads we don't deal with issues as well as we might, KWIM? People overcome things like that all the time. Have you looked him in the eyeball, when he isn't doing anything else, and told him how much it really makes life painful for you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
susankenny Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Aaaaand this thread will be deleted for husband bashing in...5...4...3...2... :lol: Not that you are really bashing. It must be frustrating. Honestly. I agree. I can click on the blog of the OP and see pictures of her husband. I feel it isn't being discreet, and anyone could be reading this and knowing exactly who your husband is. YKWIM? I'm all for venting, but don't link pictures of the person you are venting about.;) Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I totally reject the idea that it isn't possible for him to change. But, it sometimes takes *someone besides the wife* telling them that X behavior is not acceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I totally reject the idea that it isn't possible for him to change. I'm right there with ya. But, it sometimes takes *someone besides the wife* telling them that X behavior is not acceptable. Yeah, I'm right there with ya on that, even though it just seems wrong, KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Man, you have got one looooong fuse. Seriously - why would you ever imagine he will start doing things differently? I agree with the pp's who said his issues seem deeper than ADHD. I think there is a degree of hostility if he will openly carve wood in the living room, as you tell him it drives you crazy, or hang the jacket on Indy's chair day after day, though he's been told it's annoying. WRT to the laundry - I would just do his laundry and put it away myself. It's just not a hill I would want to die on and having clothing thrown all over would drive me insane. I wouldn't point to his parents so much. My parents are hoarder/slobs, but I'm a neatnik. I can't tell you how it is that I see the splatter of spaghetti sauce that my mom would walk over 400 times in oblivion, but this is how it is. My mom is very crafty and creative, too. I remember one time she was cutting paper snowflakes with my kids and was oblivious to the paper snippings going all over everywhere. She doesn't have the gene that says, "HOLY COW! Clean up this MESS!" I do. On the other side of the coin, I can't explain why I have rising anxiety because there are paper cuttings all over; it's not going to drown, burn or devour anyone, but there you go. My blood pressure is in the stratosphere because mom couldn't care less about litter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scubamama Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Ok, so I have to agree with the poster who said at your dh's age and the length of your marraige he's not going to change. I married an ADD dude,myself 14 years ago. He's really a gentle soul and great man...I adore him. He's also a walking train wreck! We have moved 2x in the last 15 months. With small children. < don't you have a new baby ?> Anyhow, I just Goodwilled some of the junk and he was so crazy with work he still hasn't missed it. Or he hasn't mentioned it. We went from acres with a big house and barn (both crammed full) to 900sq ft. A rocket scientist is certainly able to deduce that that stuff went somewhere...and since that's his job, I guess he figured it out! I just gave up after baby 3 - I needed to not find a toddler with a nail in their mouth, a dog that swallowed countless socks and needed to see the vet, and not be in a panicked frenzy each tax season. I took over. Not in a mean way, just matter of factly. I did the laundry, tidied up, taught the kids to have tidy habits, etc. I stopped belittling him and yelling. I mean, I even called him at his job and screamed at him over the phone and the WHOLE DEPARTMENT heard. I'm embarrased that I lost control like that! I took over and I did it for me. I know this man of mine loves me dearly - he just couldn't get it together! Not b/c he was trying to get my goat daily, but b/c he hadn't been raised in a orderly manner and he isn't made that way. If he started "being orderly" he wouldn't be able to do anything else! This is a long post! Anyhow, think of your own sanity...and the sanity of your future dil's and train your kids. Live in a tidy house the way you want. Just do what needs to be done and not mention it. Tell him you love him and move along lil' dogie. Good luck from one former crazed by insane messes wife to another, Michele Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Does he have a spot in the house that is all his? A room, garage? Someplace he can keep his mess? If not, make a space for him and his stuff. As for the clothes, I would just wash them and put them away, your a house wife, it's part of the job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 His dirty clothes therefore end up on the floor. You literally cannot walk on his side of the bed. He's even tripped coming to bed at night it's so bad. Try getting another hamper and putting it right where he drops the clothes. One of his hobbies is wood carving, which he does in the living room! I've told him a hundred times that is not an indoor hobby, but he doesn't care. He always says he'll clean it up, but there are wood shavings constantly on the floor and they hurt when you step on them. I'll gripe about it and then he swears he'll clean it up next time (har har). Of course I have to constantly sweep shavings. When you notice him carving go get the broom and lean it right beside him or put it on the floor at his feet. As soon as you notice him move, point out the broom and tell him it needs to be done right away. He leaves his clothes everywhere. When he comes home from work, he takes off his uniform jacket (like a heavy shirt) and hangs it on the back of Indy's dining chair instead of putting it in our room. Can you hang a hook right by the door for him and meet him at the door and remind him to hang the jacket there? The thing is, with ADD, the intentions are always good but you're right in that a) he truly doesn't see the mess and b) there's no retention of what he has to do from one moment to the next. Step in and make it hard for him to fail. Be there, kindly and warmly, every time he's about to fail with a way for him to save himself. The hamper right where he drops the clothes, the broom at his feet, etc. Yes, it's work but so is what you're doing now and it will be much less frustrating. With some things, after time it will become habit, like the jacket. With others, like the shavings, he'll start to feel the reward of actually doing what he told you to do, of succeeding and that will help him remember the next time. He's probably so used to hearing negative stuff (and I don't mena your mean or anything, just that he's used to hearing, "why can't you do that?" or "you forgot again!") that he just tunes it out. The positive steps will be new and feel good. I have ADD, am 38 and am still trying to sort this stuff out. I know how frustrating I am for my DH sometimes and you have all of my sympathy. :) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I saw a TV show or read an article a long time ago about a couple who were on the verge of divorce because of incompatible living styles. They ended up buying a duplex house so that they could live "together", but still have separate living spaces. My dh is not a slob, per se, but he's a pack rat. I cannot stand having junk around. I'm a purger. I've often thought how nice a duplex would be! :D Doesn't that sound lovely? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Believe it or not, the medication has made him worlds better. It was almost intolerable before medication and brought us to the brink of divorce. That was what made him finally see a doctor. The wood carving though, it's making me nuts. He says he has to keep his hands busy. He literally cannot sit still unless he's working on the computer (which is thankfully what he does at work all day). Even when he sleeps he rocks his foot (and that's why we bought a king size Tempurpedic bed). When I tell him it bothers me, he thinks I'm be dramatic. This is how he was raised though. His parents do all sorts of messy, crafty, hobby things all over the house and don't bother to clean them up. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. Would he consider knitting? Much more contained and very good for busy fingers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewingmama Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 My DH has has had his own room for the last 5 years because I refuse to sleep in a pigsty - and that's all I'm going to say about that :glare: Now that said I throw away TONS of dh's crap. My rule is, If you leave it on the floor you don't want it enough to have a say that it stays. He will not notice most of what is thrown away, but you must be artful about throwing it out, lol. You must go to Goodwill immediately after you decide what you are giving away and what you are throwing away must go in the outside garbage without the children seeing you throw it out. Otherwise they tell him, "Mom threw away your undershirt with the holes, the one you love." This is what I do. His stuff goes to Goodwill or in a box up to the shed. If he notices something is missing (which is rare) I say Oh it must be in the shed (which he would never go hunt for because it takes effort ;)) or I say - Gee you left it on the floor and one of the kids got it and ruined it so I threw it out (must have youngish kids for this excuse to work) :001_smile: If he complains I say "Well that's what happens when you leave your stuff lying around with little kids about" :D Throwing his stuff in the garbage takes the edge off my frustration - if I start getting resentful I grab an armful of his stuff-dump it in the garbage and voila -no more resentment ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
black_midori Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Put a dust buster next to the wood working area & hand it to him whenever he starts up! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 We've been married 16 years and I've tried everything to get him to change his ways but nothing has worked. What can I do? I'm tired of this. Haven't read all the replies. My answer may not be popular. What can you do? You can clean up after him, or you can stop being bothered by it. If nothing has worked, and after 16 years he's still doing it, chances are he's not going to change. All you can control is yourself. So the way I see it, you have two choices. Well, ok, three. You can keep on the way you've been, and expect the same results; you can decided not to let it bother you anymore, and ignore his messes; or you can clean them up. At least, that's what I've done. I've decided some battles are not worth it. If something dh does bothers me, and I've told him so (not *nagged* him, but calmly explained what and why, blah blah blah), and he does not change, then I can either learn to not let it bother me, or change what I can by myself. I can't stand that dh leaves his wet clothes on the floor after a shower. I've asked him not to. A lot. He still does it. So I just decided that's one way I can serve him; pick up his wet clothes. Like I said, I'm sure it's not a popular answer. But it's what works for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Oh, honey, I am RIGHT. THERE. WITH. YOU. I have come to the realization that dh isn't going to change. Not after 20 years! He's not being unkind about it, and if I ask him to clean up after himself, he'll do it (if her remembers :glare:), but it ain't gonna happen on his own. Soooo, I just do it for him. I'm done with arguing, begging, pleading, passive-aggressive stuff. None of it works. Therefore, I pick up his clothes, do his laundry, wash his dishes, and put his stuff away. In return, I have a wonderfully loving dh, who works super hard to provide well for us, and who is a stellar Dad. I'm not complaining anymore. It is what it is, as they say, and it's not going to change. Acceptance is a beautiful thing. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Try getting another hamper and putting it right where he drops the clothes. When you notice him carving go get the broom and lean it right beside him or put it on the floor at his feet. As soon as you notice him move, point out the broom and tell him it needs to be done right away. Can you hang a hook right by the door for him and meet him at the door and remind him to hang the jacket there? The thing is, with ADD, the intentions are always good but you're right in that a) he truly doesn't see the mess and b) there's no retention of what he has to do from one moment to the next. Step in and make it hard for him to fail. Be there, kindly and warmly, every time he's about to fail with a way for him to save himself. The hamper right where he drops the clothes, the broom at his feet, etc. Yes, it's work but so is what you're doing now and it will be much less frustrating. With some things, after time it will become habit, like the jacket. With others, like the shavings, he'll start to feel the reward of actually doing what he told you to do, of succeeding and that will help him remember the next time. He's probably so used to hearing negative stuff (and I don't mena your mean or anything, just that he's used to hearing, "why can't you do that?" or "you forgot again!") that he just tunes it out. The positive steps will be new and feel good. I have ADD, am 38 and am still trying to sort this stuff out. I know how frustrating I am for my DH sometimes and you have all of my sympathy. :) :grouphug: This. My dh, and 2 of my kids are severely adhd, and I have had all of the problems you have had. My house is messy because I can only pick up so much. There just isn't enough time to do it all. But doing the things Dawn suggested has made it so much better. Another thing about the laundry, don't use a dresser or hangers in the closet for his clothes. Have open bins and shelving inside the closet for him to put clothes away! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I'd just pick up the laundry, do it, and put it away. That wouldn't bug me too much, especially since I'm already picking up other stuff that the kids leave out (they do help, but I just tend to do it). For other stuff he leaves around the house, I'd just box it up and put it in his space. Even if he doesn't put it away, one, you won't be nagging him about leaving it in the communal space, and two, you won't have to see it anymore. For the wood carving, I'd spread a tarp or something too. Or maybe there's a better spot for him to do it? Somewhere that he doesn't need to clean up, or that would be easier for him to clean up? For the jacket on the back of the chair, I'd just move it to his chair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 As an adult, i think he should have one room that is his space to do whatever he wishes with. A man cave or a den or whatever. Let him pile his junk up to the ceiling in there (no food though for sanitary reasons). For the rest of the house... He's acting like a child, so treat him like one. Start boxing up the things he leaves out and throwing them away. If you want the privilege of having stuff, you need to own the responsibility of taking care of the stuff. Including clothes. If he would just put them in a hamper, you could wash and put it away. That is not that difficult, even for someone with ADHD. Wood carving in the living room, are you kidding me?! Those tools would be the first to go bye-bye. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 What can you do? You can clean up after him, or you can stop being bothered by it. :iagree: You can either continue to 'make a point,' (refuse to do any laundry that doesn't make it into the hamper, etc.) or you can keep a house that you are comfortable living in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) Believe it or not, the medication has made him worlds better. It was almost intolerable before medication and brought us to the brink of divorce. That was what made him finally see a doctor. The wood carving though, it's making me nuts. He says he has to keep his hands busy. He literally cannot sit still unless he's working on the computer (which is thankfully what he does at work all day). Even when he sleeps he rocks his foot (and that's why we bought a king size Tempurpedic bed). When I tell him it bothers me, he thinks I'm be dramatic. This is how he was raised though. His parents do all sorts of messy, crafty, hobby things all over the house and don't bother to clean them up. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. I would tell him to find something else to do, woodcarving or other exceptionally messy and difficult to clean up hobbies are not appropriate in the living room. Particularly if they involve dangerous tools and splinters. Then if he did it in front of me, in the living room I would take his tools and throw them outside, once I have thrown something outside dh has never doubted my sincerity. :) My dh enjoys painting mineratures, he paints at his desk. Edited September 13, 2011 by Sis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 As for the wood shavings, can that be contained by asking him to carve over a box or a tray? Maybe you need a workbench with a dust collection system instead of a coffee table? :leaving: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 Haven't read all the replies. My answer may not be popular. What can you do? You can clean up after him, or you can stop being bothered by it. If nothing has worked, and after 16 years he's still doing it, chances are he's not going to change. All you can control is yourself. So the way I see it, you have two choices. Well, ok, three. You can keep on the way you've been, and expect the same results; you can decided not to let it bother you anymore, and ignore his messes; or you can clean them up. At least, that's what I've done. I've decided some battles are not worth it. If something dh does bothers me, and I've told him so (not *nagged* him, but calmly explained what and why, blah blah blah), and he does not change, then I can either learn to not let it bother me, or change what I can by myself. I can't stand that dh leaves his wet clothes on the floor after a shower. I've asked him not to. A lot. He still does it. So I just decided that's one way I can serve him; pick up his wet clothes. Like I said, I'm sure it's not a popular answer. But it's what works for me. Your answer is more popular than you may think. It is the same way I think about it, and several other posters said similarly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 Your answer is more popular than you may think. It is the same way I think about it, and several other posters said similarly. You are quite right. :) Like I said, I hadn't read all the replies when I posted. I supposed it wouldn't be a popular answer because I think if I shared it IRL with my homeschool group, not many would agree with me. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pie Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 :grouphug: I'm sorry. I understand. My dh has untreated (because he denies that the diagnosis was true) ADD, and OCD with hoarding. I am a worn out neatnik. I love him though. Enough to pick up the dirty clothes and boots and candy wrappers and soda cans and papers many times a day without mentioning it. Sometimes without thinking about it. the problem comes for me when it is tools, and pieces of broken things (sometimes very large and heavy), and car parts..all the stuff we have no room for. we live in a tiny singlewide trailer. He built a large shed to hold all his "treasures" that wouldn't fit in the garage or house. Our neighbor had the land surveyed and the shed is now on our neighbor's property and the guy gave us a certified letter today stating we had to get the shed, all the trash, stuff, boats, trailers, and 3 broken down cars off his property in ten days or he will sue us. This is a monumental task for a 60yr old man his handicapped wife and a 12 yr dd. but the biggest problem is that he sees the need to have these things. he will not have it hauled away. he will not sell the shed to the man...he NEEDS this junk. so we will be working really hard to move this stuff. I hate looking at it. I have moved this stuff from a city 250 miles away where we were regularly fined by the city, to live in the country where he wouldn't be bothered. Now I will be moving it again to another part of our yard. The hard part is, not saying anything about this cr*p. I can deal with the little things like laundry. God must help me deal with this other stuff. It is beyond me. I am overwhelmed. But, I used to be overwhelmed at putting away his stuff in the house. So I understand. I do know it could be a lot worse for you! My only advice is to pray. I have left my dh over this very thing. he tried really hard to change, and his efforts made me come back. But he didn't change. And now I know he can't change. he would if he could. I have to keep praying for serenity and sanity. I love clean, serene, uncluttered rooms. I don't have that in my own life, but I can enjoy it in magazines and on HGTV, and at my sister's home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 I would try to adopt some of Flyladies techniques or some other system. Like have a certain time of day when you ask your DH to spent 15 minutes picking up the dirty clothes and putting them in hampers. When he does a messy project, include enough time to completely clean up the mess. Find a place where he can do messy projects - outside, garage, basement etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 Hmmm...is James Bond a Gemini? I have one of those (Gemini male, that is), and I've had very, very little luck for the last 17 years. I have no advice as I no longer hold any hope on the subject. :glare: :auto: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 We've been married 16 years and I've tried everything to get him to change his ways but nothing has worked. What can I do? I'm tired of this. I used to live with someone like this (before I divorced him). My solution: Find a way, any way, to make one room in the house "HIS" room. Make sure it has a door on it. Put a long table in there for his hobbies - and make him keep them in there. If you find anything, anything, of his on the floor or where it doesn't belong, open the door and throw it into the room, then close the door. Voila! He has his messy space, and the rest of the family can live in clean space. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 Is he like this at work? I can't imagine too many employers putting up with this behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 I'll gripe about it and then he swears he'll clean it up next time (har har). :glare: I advise you read Lysistrata. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T Baer Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 :lol: and I have my glasses on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 So...if the wife was ADD and didn't bother to pick up after herself would you all say, "give up, you are never going to change, make your husband do the cleaning?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 Is he like this at work? I can't imagine too many employers putting up with this behavior. He can't be, he is in the military. That means he *can* follow through, he just doesn't want to. I advise you read Lysistrata. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 not on the same scale, but my husband use to have piles of clothes everywhere. he called them his in between piles, not dirty enough for the wash, but not clean enough for teh draws. this drove me crazy. so my solution was every bit of clothing left lying around went straight into the wash, and as I line dry, then fold the clothes the day(s) after. the clothes would disappear for several days. when he would ask where is...whatever... I would reply with a smile "on the line" after 19 years of marriage the only thing he leaves lying around now are his coveralls, and he is careful to leave them out on the veranda. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 So...if the wife was ADD and didn't bother to pick up after herself would you all say, "give up, you are never going to change, make your husband do the cleaning?" If my husband was the one who was home all day every day and he wanted the house kept a certain way, yes. I would expect him to be the one to keep things to his standards. My husband doesn't particularly care if his dirty laundry and last night's ice cream bowl are left in the bedroom indefinitely. I want to spend my days and nights in a clean house. If he leaves for work and his underwear is still on the floor and his dishes are still on the night stand, I will clean them up. Sure, I could nag him about it, but the result would be dirty underwear on the floor, dishes on the night stand and plenty of nagging. I'd rather just clean up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 I advise you read Lysistrata. :lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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