I'm making my son sleep in a tent tonight

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

UPDATE: post #35

 

Is this too harsh or not harsh enough?

He is almost 19 and cannot afford to pay rent. He did have good paying job (over $4000 in 3 months) but he spent it all (on what we do not know) and would not save. He is now jobless and pennyless. So I am making him do all house work until he can pay rent ...dishes, laundry, vacuum, dust, bathrooms and mow the yard. I made a schedule out for each day and what is expected. He is lazy. He sometimes gets the jobs done but that is after the day is almost done, after he has slept the day away. I warned him yesterday that all jobs for the day are to be done by 12 noon or you sleep out in a tent. It is now 11:43, he is rocking and texting...bathrooms are still dirty and the rugs are not vacuumed. To top it off, the list I made is shoved under some dirty clothes in his room. :cursing:

Edited September 9, 2011 by Down_the_Rabbit_Hole

[seraphina]

He is an adult, he is lucky you are going to give him a tent to sleep in. Ugh! My sympathies to you. I would do the same with my boys when they are older.

[Unicorn.]

Nope, not too harsh at all. I wonder how he would feel about using the garden hose for his showers? Do you live somewhere that he can dig his own latrine too?

[DawnM]

Is he paying for that cell phone to text with?

 

I say, "nothing done in the time specified, you will leave the house at noon and go to your tent."

 

But I am not the mom of your son....my bark is often worse than my bite.

 

Dawn

[Joyofsixreboot]

He is an adult, he is lucky you are going to give him a tent to sleep in. Ugh! My sympathies to you. I would do the same with my boys when they are older.

 

:iagree:

[NotSoObvious]

Well, what's his plan?? College? A job? Why is he living at home?

 

When I lived at home, it was under the agreement that I would maintain a full college (city college) load and work part time. I didn't have to pay rent or anything at home, but I did pay for all of my own things (car, insurance, spending money). It was a good transition for me before going away to school.

 

However, if I wasn't in school or working, my mom would have told me to pack my bags.

 

I think it's your house and he's an adult, so it doesn't matter if you are being too hard. Your rules. :) Having to pay for your own things is good motivation to get a job, so maybe he needs his own place?

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

Is he paying for that cell phone to text with?

 

I say, "nothing done in the time specified, you will leave the house at noon and go to your tent."

 

But I am not the mom of your son....my bark is often worse than my bite.

 

Dawn

He purchased the phone and is to pay the bill (due on the 17th). I will not pay it.

[swellmomma]

He is an adult, he is lucky you are going to give him a tent to sleep in. Ugh! My sympathies to you. I would do the same with my boys when they are older.

 

:iagree: Growing up once we hit 18 my mom gave us three options, go to school, get a job and pay rent, or get out. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. there was no way she was supporting lazy layabouts. I plan to have the same rule when my kids hit that age. I am not going to support lazy adults. If they were that lazy I would feel that I failed them in someway and would strive to push them towards selfsufficiency even more.

[SorrelZG]

Not harsh.

[Annie G]

No, it won't harm him to sleep in a tent. However, I wouldn't point out at noon that he missed the deadline. See what he does- does he finish it without being prompted? Does he take all day to do it? Does he see he missed the deadline so doesn't even bother to do it? And if he does complete it but late, you get the chores done AND he still sleeps in a tent. Sometimes teenagers are like small children- they're just testing you to see if you'll follow through with threats.

[HeidiKC]

I don't have kids that age, so not sure...but I like the sound of it. Can I ask what "rocking and texting" means? I know texting, but "rocking"??? I can think of 2 things it might mean: rocking back and forth in a rocking chair while texting OR listening to rock music while texting. Not sure and am curious if there is another rocking of which I'm unaware.

 

Good luck to you and hopefully he'll straighten up, get a clue and realize life ain't free! Your e-mail scares me a bit, because I can see the same signs in my 11yo ds!!! I try to let him decide when to do certain jobs or schoolwork, but of course it either doesn't get done or it's a crappy job on Friday night, last minute, so he can run out and play football. So I like the tent idea...

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

Well, what's his plan?? College? A job? Why is he living at home?

 

When I lived at home, it was under the agreement that I would maintain a full college (city college) load and work part time. I didn't have to pay rent or anything at home, but I did pay for all of my own things (car, insurance, spending money). It was a good transition for me before going away to school.

 

However, if I wasn't in school or working, my mom would have told me to pack my bags.

 

I think it's your house and he's an adult, so it doesn't matter if you are being too hard. Your rules. :) Having to pay for your own things is good motivation to get a job, so maybe he needs his own place?

Our rule is after you graduate HS, you can live here rent free for a year and longer if you go to college. After your free year you can stay and pay rent or move on. He graduated at 17, so his year was up a year ago. He is going into the Army in November so he does have a plan. We are trying to hang on till then. However the lazyness will not be tolerated and the miss use of money needs to stop.

I feel like I am doing right, but just needed a few affirmatives to back me up.

[Amy1k]

Ugh. I feel your pain greatly. My 18.5 year old moved out (into his girlfriend's parent's home) a couple of months ago. He's working (part time) and attending high school (at an alternative high school). He doesn't drive and has been calling me asking for rides to work constantly. This week I told him that I'd love to help, but I'm just too busy and gas is too expensive (he hasn't offered gas money). FRUSTRATING. I'm ready for him to be a REAL adult. :( :grouphug:

[JennifersLost]

Not harsh. In fact, I think he's testing you. For all kids, rules maintained = Love. Send him to his tent, he'll be all cranky and so on, but deep down he'll know you care. :)

 

I would also give him a concrete date by which he has to have a new plan for his life.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

I don't have kids that age, so not sure...but I like the sound of it. Can I ask what "rocking and texting" means? I know texting, but "rocking"??? I can think of 2 things it might mean: rocking back and forth in a rocking chair while texting OR listening to rock music while texting. Not sure and am curious if there is another rocking of which I'm unaware.

 

Good luck to you and hopefully he'll straighten up, get a clue and realize life ain't free! Your e-mail scares me a bit, because I can see the same signs in my 11yo ds!!! I try to let him decide when to do certain jobs or schoolwork, but of course it either doesn't get done or it's a crappy job on Friday night, last minute, so he can run out and play football. So I like the tent idea...

Rocking in a chair and texting, still in his pjs.

[Garga]

That's kinda tough. My kids are still young and I don't like to be over-the-top harsh with them.

 

However, your son is a legal adult. If he's not in school and not actively looking for a job, and not helping to care for the house while he's unemployed, then, yeah. He need to be kicked out. Not in a vindictive way, but, he needs to learn how to support himself.

 

A tent is much better than just kicking him out entirely on the street.

 

When you tell him to go, what will he do? Roll his eyes and leave? Argue with you and yell? Sit there and refuse to move?

 

And you have talked to him calmly and reasonably about why you're doing this, right? Everything is crystal clear? (Expectations, how to be an adult, etc?)

 

(sorry for the rambling post. Just typed as thoughts came to me.)

[Harriet Vane]

:iagree:

Not harsh. In fact, I think he's testing you. For all kids, rules maintained = Love. Send him to his tent, he'll be all cranky and so on, but deep down he'll know you care. :)

 

I would also give him a concrete date by which he has to have a new plan for his life.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

It's 12 noon...I'm off to hand him his tent.

Let me know if you hear his yelling:glare:

[LaxMom]

I'm not sure I would require school, rent, or out. Neither of our families did (though my husband, his siblings and I have always been gainfully employed, me since I was 14)...

 

But everyone here is expected to contribute to the household in an age-appropriate way. At 19, sleeping the day away and being provided for 100% is not age appropriate.

 

I think providing for himself in a tent on your property is perfectly reasonable, since he does not care to contribute to the larger community of your household.

[In The Great White North]

He is going into the Army in November so he does have a plan

 

Part of the problem is that two months seems like a much shorter time to him than it does to you. To him, he's leaving tomorrow. To you, he'll be here forever.

 

Really what he needs is a job outside the house. Something to get up for. Maybe he could get a job somewhere, where all the other kids had to go back to school?

 

BTW, be forewarned. Ds is in the Air Force and came home on leave and actually expected to be waited on hand and foot, because he was on leave.

 

After we quit rolling around the floor laughing, it took us a few weeks to convince him that adults did not do that. Apparently, he had never noticed that we did not expect to be waited on when we went to the grandparents. :glare:

[Margaret in GA]

Our rule is after you graduate HS, you can live here rent free for a year and longer if you go to college. After your free year you can stay and pay rent or move on. He graduated at 17, so his year was up a year ago. He is going into the Army in November so he does have a plan. We are trying to hang on till then. However the lazyness will not be tolerated and the miss use of money needs to stop.

I feel like I am doing right, but just needed a few affirmatives to back me up.

 

This is a tough one to me. My dd will be 18 next month and so I know how they can be at that age- lazy and foolish goes along with the age I think. You say he's going into the Army in November. Part of me says, he will be gone and entirely on his own soon enough. And I worry so about those boys in Iraq and Afghanistan. I wouldn't be too hard on him. :( On the other hand, I do see your point! I just think I wouldn't push him away entirely

Margaret

[SpiritCatcher]

Sleeping late, rocking and texting?? Does he have a clue what awaits him in the Army???:001_huh:

[Murphy101]

I would do nothing for him. No meals, no car, no money, no Internet.

Other than that, I'd bide my time until November.

Or insist he go to the army now.

 

If november came and he didn't go - I'd change the locks and leave the tent on the porch for him.

[Parrothead]

If you think your harsh making him sleep out in a tent, wait until the drill sgt. gets ahold of him.

 

Stick to your guns. I'd only provide food to make sure he isn't starving.

[I.Dup.]

Sleeping late, rocking and texting?? Does he have a clue what awaits him in the Army???:001_huh:

 

LOL, no kidding! Sounds like the Army will be perfect for him ;)

[Pamela H in Texas]

Oh, if he has a plan that is all but set in concrete, then I wouldn't worry so much about rent and a job at this point. It's only two months away. However, he does need to pull his weight and do it by the time you said.

 

I'm glad the year rent free was mentioned though as we're in a conundrum. Our rule has been that you are in school, working and paying rent, in the full-time volunteer work, or out. The expectation is that if you are here, you are also helping here appropriately which both my children readily do.

 

Well, my son will graduate this year (he's actually wanting to see if he can do so early, but it doesn't look like it). He'll be 17 in the spring. So the idea of giving him a year to figure out what he's doing sounds good.

[ChrissySC]

Nope, not harsh.

 

Wonderful idea. Hold your ground.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

If you think your harsh making him sleep out in a tent, wait until the drill sgt. gets ahold of him.

 

Stick to your guns. I'd only provide food to make sure he isn't starving.

 

:iagree: that's what I was thinking too--wait till he gets a taste of army life!

[catz]

:iagree: Growing up once we hit 18 my mom gave us three options, go to school, get a job and pay rent, or get out. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. there was no way she was supporting lazy layabouts. I plan to have the same rule when my kids hit that age. I am not going to support lazy adults. If they were that lazy I would feel that I failed them in someway and would strive to push them towards selfsufficiency even more.

 

:iagree: That was the rule at my parent's house and that's going to be the rule here too. If he were 16, I'd say it was over the top. 19? Yep - sounds about right.

[Tarreymere]

We give ours a deadline to figure out what they are going to do. Usually they get a year of living at home after finishing school without having to pay rent. We do expect chores and cooperation. Then, if the new adult decides to go to school full time and live at home, great. If the new adult decides to work full time and live at home, we expect rent in addition to chores.

Does your son have a signed contract with the Army? If so, I would allow him to stay in the house IF he did the chores you asked of him and IF he followed your rules. Otherwise, I'd toss his stuff into garbage bags and put it on the porch. He would no longer have a room. I wouldn't even give him a tent. If he doesn't have a signed contract with the Army and a firm date to leave, then I'd toss his stuff into garbage bags immediately and leave them on the porch, no tent, nothing. Maybe an index card with the address of the nearest homeless shelter.......IF I was in a merciful mood.

I think part of parenting is knowing when to shove the little darlings out of the nest to try their wings.

[lmrich]

Is it his tent? or yours?

[Garga]

Well--what happened? Did you stick to your plan?

[LibraryLover]

Sounds like your kid is beyond listening to you at his age.

 

I wish him to be safe as he joins the armed services. You're scared, he's scared. Stay safe!

 

Best wishes for all!! :)

Edited September 9, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Truscifi]

Well--what happened? Did you stick to your plan?

 

I'm curious too. Ds is only 7, but I'm a planner. So what happened?

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

Here's an update:

I approached him with list in hand and informed him the Thursday's jobs were not completed by 12 as well as the Wed. jobs he did not do the day before therefore he would not be sleeping under our roof. While he stared at me with a look of "your have got to be kidding me" I let him know a tent was available if he wanted it. He started to give me excuses but I told him they were not valid. He stormed about doing his chores (I think hoping I would give in) acting like he was unjustly treated.

When I returned home after errands his tent was pitched. Sadly it was a beautiful night last night.

 

He knows he is hanging onto our mercy by a thread so he kept from blowing up(an improvement on his part). The things he has done in the last 5 yrs has been a struggle on us as parents with younger children in the home. The only thing that is keeping him here is we know if we put him on the street he will be kicked out the Army and the Army is his only chance of making it. Otherwise I honestly see him living a homeless life or worse.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug: Sticking to your guns isn't that easy when it involves your child, is it? You did the right thing. I've known several parents who've made life too easy for their kids and the kids don't know how to take care of themselves. I watch my older niece and nephew and their friends and their sense of entitlement blows my mind. Dh and I have been trying (who knows if it will be successful?) to teach our kids that anything worth having in life requires hard work.

[justamouse]

Here's an update:

I approached him with list in hand and informed him the Thursday's jobs were not completed by 12 as well as the Wed. jobs he did not do the day before therefore he would not be sleeping under our roof. While he stared at me with a look of "your have got to be kidding me" I let him know a tent was available if he wanted it. He started to give me excuses but I told him they were not valid. He stormed about doing his chores (I think hoping I would give in) acting like he was unjustly treated.

When I returned home after errands his tent was pitched. Sadly it was a beautiful night last night.

 

He knows he is hanging onto our mercy by a thread so he kept from blowing up(an improvement on his part). The things he has done in the last 5 yrs has been a struggle on us as parents with younger children in the home. The only thing that is keeping him here is we know if we put him on the street he will be kicked out the Army and the Army is his only chance of making it. Otherwise I honestly see him living a homeless life or worse.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Just Another Jen]

You did the right thing. Hang in there, at least the end is in sight.

[FlyingMOm]

Good for you- I am so impressed that you stuck to your guns!

[1Togo]

nm

Edited September 10, 2011 by 1Togo

[DawnM]

Are you sure there isn't a neurological issue going on here?

 

This is similar to what we are dealing with with our 13 year old and I see this as a hard road for all of us, but he has Asperger's. I don't forsee him doing well in the Army either and wouldn't even consider it for him.

 

Dawn

 

Here's an update:

I approached him with list in hand and informed him the Thursday's jobs were not completed by 12 as well as the Wed. jobs he did not do the day before therefore he would not be sleeping under our roof. While he stared at me with a look of "your have got to be kidding me" I let him know a tent was available if he wanted it. He started to give me excuses but I told him they were not valid. He stormed about doing his chores (I think hoping I would give in) acting like he was unjustly treated.

When I returned home after errands his tent was pitched. Sadly it was a beautiful night last night.

 

He knows he is hanging onto our mercy by a thread so he kept from blowing up(an improvement on his part). The things he has done in the last 5 yrs has been a struggle on us as parents with younger children in the home. The only thing that is keeping him here is we know if we put him on the street he will be kicked out the Army and the Army is his only chance of making it. Otherwise I honestly see him living a homeless life or worse.

[Little Nyssa]

I think you were totally right and glad it worked.

But I think I understood that you said he had to do his chores by midnight (did I read that right?). So, I don't think you all got much sleep last night! I was up very early and happened to notice your update was pretty early. I wonder if you could make his deadline earlier, like 8 or 9 pm.

[Truscifi]

:grouphug: That must have been hard, but it sounds like you handled it well.

[FaithManor]

I think this is just fine. It's an act of tough love. The world is a harsh place for those who don't learn to live responsibly.

 

I had a friend once whose foster son had moved out at 17 because he didn't like the rules. He was very lazy, didn't want to work, do school work, be responsible in any way shape or form, etc. He bounced from one friend's house to another until every single set of parents figured out that he only intended to mooch, but to never act responsibly, help out, go to school, or get a job. Eventually, he ended up at a men's homeless shelter. This was the straw that broke the camel's back for him and he decided to try to get a job. He had an appointment with a construction company and really needed to shower and get his clothes washed so he showed up back at my friend's house to ask for the use of her bathroom, washing machine, and dryer. She told him that when the flower beds were properly weeded and weeds properly bagged and disposed of that he was welcome to a shower and clean clothes.

 

Three hours later, her flower beds were quite spiffy. He still managed his shower and clean clothes in time for the job interview. The good news was he joined the marines, stayed in for eight years, ended up as an M.P., got out and went to state police academy, and is now gainfully employed with a lovely wife and two children. So, I think she made the right choice! :001_smile:

 

It's hard, it is incredibly hard. But, I think you are making the right choice.

 

Faith

[zenjenn]

I think the tent idea is awesome. Applause!

[Tess in the Burbs]

we had the rule you were in school or you paid rent. My mom stuck to it and when I took a year off school and stayed with her 6 months that year I worked and paid rent to her. But I also had to abide by her rules :001_huh:

 

at 19 I would say get a job/pay rent or get out. But we are pretty strict parents now, lol.

 

My dad let me live with him 4 months rent free. And he would let me move in now rent free :lol:

 

if he's literally doing nothing and not willing to do your chores to stay free you aren't being mean with the tent. He should be lucky you offered the tent.

 

the flip side is depending on the kid and his friends you may want him home vs. where he would go if you truly kicked him out. so I think each situation depends on you, the child, their friends/environment.

 

tough call to make. but hey, if he likes the tent maybe he will go get a job at a campground and camp there :tongue_smilie:

[lisamarie]

Sadly it was a beautiful night last night.

 

 

:lol::lol::lol: I am writing this down in case I walk this road in the future. My brother moved back in with my parents after graduating from college while "looking for a job." He spent the year in their basement getting addicted to computer games. He didn't do any housework or yard work. It was so frustrating to watch my parents totally screw up. I will not be so nice in the future.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

Are you sure there isn't a neurological issue going on here?

 

This is similar to what we are dealing with with our 13 year old and I see this as a hard road for all of us, but he has Asperger's. I don't forsee him doing well in the Army either and wouldn't even consider it for him.

 

Dawn

The Army is exactly what he needs for now. He was in the National Guard Youth Challenge Program for 5 months and he did excellent. He earned his GED and won the outstanding Cadet Award. As for neurological issues, I just don't feel this is it. He is very rebellious always has been...this is just a case of to bust with his social life (texting) to do what mom wants when she wants.

[Mary in VA]

:grouphug: I haven't been through this, but you have my sympathy! It must be sooo hard!! One thing you said has confused me, why would putting him out of your house keep him from going in the Army? Is he in the process of enlisting now?

 

Mary

[NorthwestMom]

I think you are going a GREAT job. I'm sending you strength vibes till November!