Mom vs. Dad: explaining the facts of life

[Janie Grace]

Do you think there's value in the same-s*x parent being the one to explain what s*x is? I always figured it would go this way, maybe b/c that seems to be the trend in some of our friends' families. I told my dd (our oldest) when she had questions that led there.

 

Well, today as I was cleaning the kitchen, the next kid in line, ds (10) just started asking me questions -- which pretty much led to me telling him the whole thing. He is pretty shocked and said, "wow. This changes how I look at everyone." (The idea of what they are doing in private!) He is both glad I told him and says he wishes he didn't know. I tried to stress over and over that it really is a beautiful, wonderful thing that he will understand when he's older but at this point the whole idea grosses him out (as does the fact that yes, dh and I do this regularly).

 

But now I feel sort of badly, like I did this big important special thing my dh is supposed to do, or might have wanted to do (even though when I bring up "the talk", he acts all stressed about the idea -- his parents were pretty Victorian about the whole thing).

 

Did I step in it? Do you think I should have been vague or said "ask Dad"? Can't talk to dh about it til tonight...

 

Eventually I said, "well maybe you and Dad could talk about that -- I'm sure he wants to talk to you about it man-to-man, just like I talked to ___ (dd), though I am always glad to answer any questions you have". I stressed that it's an ongoing conversation we can always have whenever there are questions... but that Dad prob. wants to be part of it too.

 

Did I do okay? Should I have totally put it onto dh? Did I steal one of a man's big moments w/ his son???

[sparrow]

Do you think there's value in the same-s*x parent being the one to explain what s*x is? I always figured it would go this way, maybe b/c that seems to be the trend in some of our friends' families. I told my dd (our oldest) when she had questions that led there.

 

Well, today as I was cleaning the kitchen, the next kid in line, ds (10) just started asking me questions -- which pretty much led to me telling him the whole thing. He is pretty shocked and said, "wow. This changes how I look at everyone." (The idea of what they are doing in private!) He is both glad I told him and says he wishes he didn't know. I tried to stress over and over that it really is a beautiful, wonderful thing that he will understand when he's older but at this point the whole idea grosses him out (as does the fact that yes, dh and I do this regularly).

 

But now I feel sort of badly, like I did this big important special thing my dh is supposed to do, or might have wanted to do (even though when I bring up "the talk", he acts all stressed about the idea -- his parents were pretty Victorian about the whole thing).

 

Did I step in it? Do you think I should have been vague or said "ask Dad"? Can't talk to dh about it til tonight...

 

Eventually I said, "well maybe you and Dad could talk about that -- I'm sure he wants to talk to you about it man-to-man, just like I talked to ___ (dd), though I am always glad to answer any questions you have". I stressed that it's an ongoing conversation we can always have whenever there are questions... but that Dad prob. wants to be part of it too.

 

Did I do okay? Should I have totally put it onto dh? Did I steal one of a man's big moments w/ his son???

 

:lol: Me, too!

 

Seriously, I think you did just fine and you did the right thing. There will be plenty of other "man to man" talks your husband can/will give.

 

In our family, my husband and I have both talked to our son. It's usually me, when something comes up and the natural progression leads to "a talk". My husband has approached our son and given specifics at other times.

[regentrude]

I do not think this is one of the "big moments between dad and son". I would guess most fathers would be rather glad if the mom takes care of "the talk".

 

My son happened to ask me. I told him. I told him that he could also ask dad questions, if he wants to talk to a man. Don't think he ever did.

I think you did exactly the right thing: answer you child's question when he asked. Saying "that is something you should ask dad" shrouds it in mystery and makes a bigger deal out of it.

It is also pretty normal that they are grossed out at that age. Thank goodness. Hope it last a while ;-)

[T'smom]

I do not think this is one of the "big moments between dad and son". I would guess most fathers would be rather glad if the mom takes care of "the talk".

 

My son happened to ask me. I told him. I told him that he could also ask dad questions, if he wants to talk to a man. Don't think he ever did.

I think you did exactly the right thing: answer you child's question when he asked. Saying "that is something you should ask dad" shrouds it in mystery and makes a bigger deal out of it.

It is also pretty normal that they are grossed out at that age. Thank goodness. Hope it last a while ;-)

 

:iagree:

[Gailmegan]

I told my boys too. They asked, so I answered. It took them a full day to process, then they slammed me with questions the next day. Hubs didn't care. But I'm the science-minded one, the one who's with them all the time; and we are very open about pretty much every subject, so it really wasn't a big deal to them at all. Oh, and they were 7 and 5 years old, respectively. They didn't understand why they had to wear a cup for baseball/t-ball and kept asking me questions about what purpose their male-parts had. I gave them every opportunity to back out, but they really wanted to know.

 

All that to say, I'm sure your response was fine. :001_smile:

[Janie Grace]

Thanks, guys. It's helpful to know that the grossed-out thing at this age is normal. I remember dd thinking it was weird but ds is more vehemently grossed out. He had already told dd that he wishes I hadn't told him and that now he never wants to get married because that is so disgusting. So this doesn't mean my poor timing or explanation has ruined him, right? The "I wish she hadn't told me" is bugging me. I didn't foist it on him, he asked and kept asking. I have already put him off due to bad location (in car w/ younger sibs, in Target, etc). I didn't want to keep being vague. He is very science-oriented so I even thought he might know somehow, given that he reads books that talk about animal mating habits.

 

I hope he follows up with his questions (with me or dh). It was really hard not to laugh at points. At home point he said, "so when you want to have a baby, does Dad just tackle you?" :lol:

[sparrow]

 

I hope he follows up with his questions (with me or dh). It was really hard not to laugh at points. At home point he said, "so when you want to have a baby, does Dad just tackle you?" :lol:

 

That's better than what I got. We adopted both of our kids. My son said, "so since you decided not to have babies, you and dad never did anything?" :D

[Janie Grace]

That's better than what I got. We adopted both of our kids. My son said, "so since you decided not to have babies, you and dad never did anything?" :D

 

:D

 

There was more... he thought maybe dh only has one testicle b/c the other was used in creating our youngest child. Then when he heard about sperm, he started laughing hysterically and could not stop. "You mean they're swimming around?!"

 

It *IS* a pretty crazy thing!

[bookfiend]

You just covered the mechanics. Your husband should be getting ready to have lots and lots of Father/son talks about the important stuff - becoming a Man and the Morality.

[Janie Grace]

You just covered the mechanics. Your husband should be getting ready to have lots and lots of Father/son talks about the important stuff - becoming a Man and the Morality.

 

Yes, that's where I sort of tried to leave things unsaid (the becoming a man part)... when he about when the sperm comes out (only during s*x?), how your body knows it's time to come out, etc. I sort of skirted those; I'd rather dh talk about the stuff that boys/men experience, what to expect as your body matures, etc.

 

I think we'll both be part of the morality part. In fact, that's how it came up... he was asking me about the commandment not to commit adultery. He thought it referred to kissing, so I tried to vaguely explain it's more than that (I didn't want him to think every unmarried couple he sees exchange a kiss is committing adultery)... and his questions led to the whole story.

[Veritaserum]

You answered his questions when he asked them. That was totally appropriate. :)"Go ask Dad" might have implied shame or fear or that his questions were inappropriate.

[LibraryLover]

When I told my oldest, he looked at me, horrified, and said, "I can't believe my grandparents (dh's parents) had to do that six times."

[Impish]

Wolf would probably kiss my feet (and any other part of my anatomy) if it meant he didn't have to have The Talk :lol:

 

As far as he's concerned, "DON'T DO IT!" should be sufficient until just before their wedding...esp for the girls :lol:

 

Diva and I have had an ongoing convo for years. Wolf leaves the room like his head's on fire and butt's catching if he happens to overhear any of it.

[athena1277]

Can I just day that I am glad to know that sometimes a mom has "the talk" with thier boys? Ds is only 4, but I have the feeling that if I wait for dh to have that talk with him, well, by then his friends would have taught him everything. :glare:

[Murphy101]

I discuss everything, often, usually with dh present, at least for the big initial "Now that you are 10, you need to know some stuff." talk.

 

But I don't wait for dh if something comes up.

[Desert Rat]

I agree. Dh and I have split the talks. I do the first over-view, biology based talk. My dh recently had a more in depth talk with ds11 about more growing up stuff (wet dreams, etc.) He was very embarassed during both, but he did okay. And dh and I could share our red-faced giggles later.

Ds8 isn't too interested yet. He has asked a few questions. I give brief answers and ask if I answered his questions. Move along. He's a more matter of fact kinda kid. Dh will talk with him when he is on the verge of puberty, too.

[happypamama]

I think you handled it very well, and I don't think you stole any big moment from your DH.

 

I think the basics of s*x can come from either parent, whichever happens to be around when the question comes up, if either parent is comfortable. I think in general, though, the same s*x parent is more likely to be able to explain the personal issues involved. I'm sure DH could make a basic explanation of menstruation, for instance, but I feel like there's a difference in what my sons need to know about it vs. what my daughter needs to know, and I could probably address the more detailed and personal issues with DD better than DH can. Likewise, I understand the basics of why males need cups for sports and how sperm are made, but there's more to the male side that I just don't need to know, so that's all DH's thing to handle with the boys. And the moral issues should ideally come from both parents, but again, the detailed, more personal aspects of the moral issues will probably work best from the same s*x parent, at least in our house.

[Ottakee]

That's better than what I got. We adopted both of our kids. My son said, "so since you decided not to have babies, you and dad never did anything?" :D

 

When I told my daughters (all my kids are adopted) one of them looked at me and in all seriousness said, "I'm just adopting".

[Sophia]

I've been the one who gives "the talk" to our boys. Hubby won't touch it with a 10-foot-pole. (LOL)

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you did or how you did it.

 

Same here.

[Wyndie]

Can someone point me toward a good book that will help me have this talk with ds? I am VERY nervous of this talk but DH is even more nervous; and when DH is nervous about something, his information gets mangled as it comes out of his mouth and ds leaves the convo seriously confused. :lol: So far after they talk, I have to go back with ds and correct what he thinks DH said. I need a book for props and b/c ds loves books and might prefer to read it first and come to me with questions after.

 

Christian books welcome but not required - I just need a way to share the basics. ;)

[twoforjoy]

Sex talks are my job. My DH grew up in a home where all he heard about sex was 1) not to talk/ask about it and 2) not to do it. He wants to be more open with our kids, but he's just not comfortable actually being open, so the openness is left to me.

 

He is pretty shocked and said, "wow. This changes how I look at everyone." (The idea of what they are doing in private!) He is both glad I told him and says he wishes he didn't know. I tried to stress over and over that it really is a beautiful, wonderful thing that he will understand when he's older but at this point the whole idea grosses him out (as does the fact that yes, dh and I do this regularly).

 

My DS got the gritty details while I was pregnant with #3. His first reaction was "You mean you and Daddy have done that three times?!" He was horrified.

 

About a month later, he told DD, "For a girl, the worst part of having a baby is pushing it out. For a boy, the worst part is having to have s-e-x." I just about died laughing.

 

Oh, and then he asked me when we were going to have another baby, and I told him that we probably wouldn't have another, and if we did it would be a few years from now, and he said, "So you are never going to have sexual intercourse again?!" I'm telling you, this kid cracks me up.

 

He's 7. I've told him that it is very, very normal that sex seems gross to him, because it's only for adult and is supposed to seem gross to kids.

[ktgrok]

I was grossed out when my mom told me, in the 3rd grade I think. I asked, horrified, "but you didn't do that to get ME did you?!?!?"

 

I turned out fine, with no problems regarding that particular part of life :)

[Janie Grace]

I (OP) asked ds how he was doing today (just as part of "good morning") and he replied, "still trying to get over what you told me yesterday." :) Then he asked me what s*xual immorality is, if everyone that is married has s*x, and if it seems gross to me (and when it stopped seeming gross). Dh is off work today and will run an errand or go on a walk w/ just ds in case there are any questions he wants to ask dh. Ds already told dh about the talk before I could, so obviously ds doesn't feel weird about talking to *either* of us. I'm so glad. This is the kind of openness I want. And dh was fine with me having the talk, so all is well... except that dh and ds are both a little ruffled, in their different ways.

[Runningmom80]

I plan in having Tootie and Blair do it. :lol::lol::lol:

 

 

Couldn't resist!

 

 

 

Seriously, my dh would be more than fine with me telling oldest DS about sex so that he didn't have to. :D

[heartosunshine]

I had the conversation with both kids. My hubby just isn't able to discuss that with the kids, bless his heart. :D

 

My ds swears he's "scarred for life"! But, his ps friend says the same thing after he learned about it during a health unit at school, so I guess it's normal for this age (11).

 

I used this book, http://www.amazon.com/American-Medical-Association-Guide-Becoming/dp/0787983438/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1315236569&sr=8-3, during our health unit last school year for ds (5th grade).

 

When I told ds what happens to make a baby, his first question was, "Does it hurt?!" (asked in a horrified voice) My response, "Ummmm...no." :D

[KristinaBreece]

Ok, my kids are 2 & 4, so take this for what it's worth.

 

I so cannot see DH jumping into this subject at any point, with either kid. He got the vast majority of his own s*x information from his friends and the Internet. I'm afraid if I leave any of the basics up to him, that's where DS will hear about this stuff, too. (And he's already got great plans to lock DD in a room from ages 13-22. Can't stand the idea of his little girl EVER being the object of someone's grown-up affection.)

 

So I know I'll probably have to talk with both kids when they are ready to hear. Then I'll have to coach DH on what to say to DS if/when he brings follow-up questions to Dad instead of me.

[gardenmom5]

Do you think there's value in the same-s*x parent being the one to explain what s*x is? Did I do okay? Should I have totally put it onto dh? Did I steal one of a man's big moments w/ his son???

 

I *wish* dh would have had those talks with ds when he was a teen. :toetap05: I ended up being the one, and it should have been earlier. I should have pushed dh to have those talks, but there were other things going on too. I did develop a very good and trusting relationship with ds where he was confident enough to come to me about some very tricky or delicate subjects. that trust and confidence was worth everything.

 

Now he's talking to dh about more 'male' stuff, but he's also 22.

[Wyndie]

I had the conversation with both kids. My hubby just isn't able to discuss that with the kids, bless his heart. :D

 

My ds swears he's "scarred for life"! But, his ps friend says the same thing after he learned about it during a health unit at school, so I guess it's normal for this age (11).

 

I used this book, http://www.amazon.com/American-Medical-Association-Guide-Becoming/dp/0787983438/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1315236569&sr=8-3, during our health unit last school year for ds (5th grade).

 

When I told ds what happens to make a baby, his first question was, "Does it hurt?!" (asked in a horrified voice) My response, "Ummmm...no." :D

 

Ah, thank you!

[kht2006]

But now I feel sort of badly, like I did this big important special thing my dh is supposed to do, or might have wanted to do (even though when I bring up "the talk", he acts all stressed about the idea -- his parents were pretty Victorian about the whole thing.

 

That is absolutely the kindest way I have ever heard that explained. May I borrow your words? My DH also had very Victorian parents. And I'll be the one giving the talk around here. DH would just blush. and stammer. and scare them to death.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I must be the only person on earth who was not embarrassed to tell my kids about sex. To me it is just as matter-of-fact as how to blow your nose and how to wash yourself. :confused:

[PhotoGal]

Another book to check out is "It's Not the Stork" for younger kids and "It's So Amazing" for a bit older. I've only read the first one and I think it does a good job of spilling the beans without getting too detailed.

[eternalknot]

I must be the only person on earth who was not embarrassed to tell my kids about sex. To me it is just as matter-of-fact as how to blow your nose and how to wash yourself. :confused:

 

You're not alone, but apparently we're part of a very small club?

 

I'm usually the go-to parent for all things, even these things. Honestly, I don't have the hangups about sex and bodies that my husband's family and faith gave him, so he and I both prefer the kids come to me or someone on my side of the family. My brother has been good about talking to our boys about stuff more familiar to males, but I've done the bulk of the teaching and explaining to both of our kids.

[kewb]

The facts of life came from me not dh. Dh did not mind at all. I am the one who is home and available when questions arise. Plus, sex ed is just another course in our school.

 

However, there have been a couple of things that ds has asked me over the past year or two where I did answer his questions but also suggested that he speak with his father about the question. As I put it to him-I understand the mechanics but I don't own that piece of equipment and can't really speak to some of those feelings and experiences that he is having.

 

I think you handled it just fine.

[Wyndie]

Another book to check out is "It's Not the Stork" for younger kids and "It's So Amazing" for a bit older. I've only read the first one and I think it does a good job of spilling the beans without getting too detailed.

 

Thank you for the recommendations.

 

I think it's great that some moms are comfortable talking about s*x with their sons. I wish I were one of you but alas, my... Victorian upbringing (I love that expression)... makes it unnatural for me to be comfy with it. However I am breaking out of my comfort zone to have these talks. I have had a few with my son but only about certain aspects, not the whole nitty gritty business. Usually after my DH talks to him and he is confused and wants clarification.:lol:

[Scarlett]

Do you think there's value in the same-s*x parent being the one to explain what s*x is? I always figured it would go this way, maybe b/c that seems to be the trend in some of our friends' families. I told my dd (our oldest) when she had questions that led there.

 

Well, today as I was cleaning the kitchen, the next kid in line, ds (10) just started asking me questions -- which pretty much led to me telling him the whole thing. He is pretty shocked and said, "wow. This changes how I look at everyone." (The idea of what they are doing in private!) He is both glad I told him and says he wishes he didn't know. I tried to stress over and over that it really is a beautiful, wonderful thing that he will understand when he's older but at this point the whole idea grosses him out (as does the fact that yes, dh and I do this regularly).

 

But now I feel sort of badly, like I did this big important special thing my dh is supposed to do, or might have wanted to do (even though when I bring up "the talk", he acts all stressed about the idea -- his parents were pretty Victorian about the whole thing).

 

Did I step in it? Do you think I should have been vague or said "ask Dad"? Can't talk to dh about it til tonight...

 

Eventually I said, "well maybe you and Dad could talk about that -- I'm sure he wants to talk to you about it man-to-man, just like I talked to ___ (dd), though I am always glad to answer any questions you have". I stressed that it's an ongoing conversation we can always have whenever there are questions... but that Dad prob. wants to be part of it too.

 

Did I do okay? Should I have totally put it onto dh? Did I steal one of a man's big moments w/ his son???

 

I think you handled it perfectly. I was the one to tell ds all that---although much younger---6 I think!!! He had kept asking me over and over...so I went and got a book and told him everything. XH walked in while we were discussing it and he looked like he might faint, turned around, and left. :lol: Even if we had stayed married I am certain it would have been me telling the facts of life to our son.

[Scarlett]

Sex talks are my job. My DH grew up in a home where all he heard about sex was 1) not to talk/ask about it and 2) not to do it. He wants to be more open with our kids, but he's just not comfortable actually being open, so the openness is left to me.

 

 

 

My DS got the gritty details while I was pregnant with #3. His first reaction was "You mean you and Daddy have done that three times?!" He was horrified.

 

About a month later, he told DD, "For a girl, the worst part of having a baby is pushing it out. For a boy, the worst part is having to have s-e-x." I just about died laughing.

 

Oh, and then he asked me when we were going to have another baby, and I told him that we probably wouldn't have another, and if we did it would be a few years from now, and he said, "So you are never going to have sexual intercourse again?!" I'm telling you, this kid cracks me up.

 

He's 7. I've told him that it is very, very normal that sex seems gross to him, because it's only for adult and is supposed to seem gross to kids.

 

This sounds like my ds. He was around 6 or 7 when he wanted ALL the details. I remember the look on his face (of realization), 'oh so THAT is why daddy sleeps naked!' And when the 'how to' part was discussed he sort of swallowed with his eyes wide and said, 'well. I wasn't expecting that.' :lol:

[Whereneverever]

I don't think it should be a mom vs. dad thing. I don't think it should be any one big memorable talk, either. Our goal is age appropriate cumulative information that happens in a constant dialogue. I don't want there to be a big "ah HA!" moment, just natural knowledge.

[ChemMommy]

I think you did fine. I've always gone with an "if the kid asks, they get answered" theory on this one. Your son knew he was asking personal questions of a female. He wanted your input, even if he really didn't understand the magnitude of the question.

 

Personally, my son first asked me and then followed up with dad. I'm glad I got to explain things because, according to my dh, their talk mostly focused on road construction equipment!!! I have NO clue how he covered "THE TALK" with road construction equipment...but I would have loved to be a fly in the car for THAT one! LOL

 

Just encourage your son to follow up with dad OR you if he has more questions.

[Janie Grace]

I don't think it should be a mom vs. dad thing. I don't think it should be any one big memorable talk, either. Our goal is age appropriate cumulative information that happens in a constant dialogue. I don't want there to be a big "ah HA!" moment, just natural knowledge.

 

That was our goal too... which is nice on paper, but sometimes a kid asks the kind of questions, all in a row, that lead to a pretty big "ah ha moment." :lol: Sounds like a pretty common experience from other moms here!

[twoforjoy]

Another book to check out is "It's Not the Stork" for younger kids and "It's So Amazing" for a bit older. I've only read the first one and I think it does a good job of spilling the beans without getting too detailed.

 

Love those books.

 

I will say, though, that I think the ages they recommend the books for might be a bit younger than what I'd lean toward, and I'm pretty liberal about sex (and definitely much more liberal than most on this board). I'd say it wasn't until he was about 6 that my DS was ready for all of the information in It's Not the Stork. I got It's So Amazing out of the library when he was 7 and I was pregnant with #3, and it had lots of good information, but a number of chapters had more information than he needed right now. In fact, I told him he could read through the book on his own, and he skipped a bunch of chapters because, he told me, he just didn't want to know that stuff. ;) It's Not the Stork has more than enough information for your average 6-8 year old, IMO.

[Whereneverever]

That was our goal too... which is nice on paper, but sometimes a kid asks the kind of questions, all in a row, that lead to a pretty big "ah ha moment." :lol: Sounds like a pretty common experience from other moms here!

 

Ah, but at 4 and 7 my kids already have the whole picture. Well, not all the dynamics and stuff, but all the mechanics. You know. :tongue_smilie::lol: I think I preempted the questions of how.

 

Now, "WHY???" is a different story, altogether. :001_huh:

[musicmommy]

I kind of assumed that since we only have boys, I was kind of exempt from those deep conversations. Here's how it happened:

 

Ds 9: Mom, how are babies made?

 

Me: Ask Dad. (more than that, but that's the idea)

 

DS: Dad, how are babied made?

 

DH: Magic

 

At least it made me feel good!:lol:

[QuirkyKapers]

We just had this talk and actually we did it as a family, kids and both parents together. It worked out great. :) We figured we may as well talk together since the siblings most likely would share info with each other anyway.