Veritaserum Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 (edited) My BIL (sister's husband) and I are on opposite sides of a heckuva lot of issues. He tends to comment on my wall almost every time I post something of interest to me and my many friends who share those views. He has at times escalated into offensive remarks toward me and my friends, which I deleted from my wall. I love my sister and want to keep a relationship with her. She always ignores any of the tension between me and BIL like nothing is going on (her way of avoiding the issue). I greatly dislike, however, having BIL pop on my page to make snarky comments about topics I'm passionate about. BIL and my sister live about three miles away. I see them frequently. BIL and I generally avoid speaking or interacting with one another in person. When we do interact, we remain strained and polite. Online he just won't leave me alone. WWYD? Unfriend him and ignore his tantrums? Or keep him in an attempt to maintain family ties? Edited July 15, 2011 by Veritaserum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I would just hide him. That way he doesn't know and can't use it against you IRL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I would hide him and delete any comments he makes. Nothing says you have to leave what he says visable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 He can still comment on your wall even if he is "hidden." I would unfriend him and let him know what you're doing before you do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I would hide him and continue to delete offensive remarks. Deleting him would cause problems, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 If you hide someone, though, would you still see their comments so you could delete them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I would hide him and continue to delete offensive remarks. Deleting him would cause problems, IMO. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Other. I don't friend them in the first place. If they become obnoxious after I've already friended them, I hide them. If they become offensive, I unfriend them and block them. Same policy for friends and family on FB. Blood doesn't excuse poor behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I would just hide him. That way he doesn't know and can't use it against you IRL. Can't use it against you how? Do you mean to tattle and get you in trouble with other people? Like the powers that be of the family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arrowacademy Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Guilty of performing a facebook "frenema" (at least, that's the term I read somewhere recently.....Parade maybe?) I go thru streaks of realizing how many of my fb "friends" I never correspond w/ (including THEY don't comment or message me, etc.). It's not as if they don't know how to reach me (my snailmail, email & phone number), so I figure it's not like I'm literally cutting them out of my life or anything, right? I try really hard to keep my friends list severely limited to those I really talk to on a regular basis & those who I *don't* talk to regularly whom fb is actually used as a WAY to keep in touch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Jen* Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Neither - Go into your privacy settings and modify what he can see. Click on the friends only next to Posts by me. Then choose to customize and you can hide your status updates from specific people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aliya Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Click in the box where you post to your wall, then click on the little lock icon underneath it. Go to customize, and you can exclude him from viewing the post, and if you'd like, you can set that as your default. I haven't tried it, but it's nice to know it's an option. ETA - *Jen* beat me to it! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 If he's a weirdo, he will then log into your sister's account to keep tabs on you. Fun stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Why don't you block him from seeing your posts? He'll still see you on FB, you'll still be his "friend" and keep the peace, but he won't see what you write, so he'll be unable to respond. (When you begin typing your status, a small lock will appear beneath the box. You can click on that when you are done typing and hide your post from him. Only!!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Jen* Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I forgot the other option if you REALLY want to make him mad. You can change the setting so he can see your posts but isn't allowed to comment on them ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Neither - Go into your privacy settings and modify what he can see. Click on the friends only next to Posts by me. Then choose to customize and you can hide your status updates from specific people. This is what I was going to say--I hide most of my posts from my FIL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted July 15, 2011 Author Share Posted July 15, 2011 I forgot the other option if you REALLY want to make him mad. You can change the setting so he can see your posts but isn't allowed to comment on them ;) Tempting. ;) Dh and my older brother enjoy goading BIL, but when BIL snaps he gets really ugly and mean. Like the time he compared me to Hitler due to some political activism I did. :rolleyes: He made another Nazi comment today on the current issue. Lovely man. :glare: I'll look at the different settings. He dared me to unfriend him over our last big blowup in April, so I've kept him out of...spite, I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I voted "yes". I had my teen ds unfriend my 47yo brother because of foul stuff brother was posting - they had been FB friends and talked about computers & such. Because brother is a strange, sad, soul and I didn't want to totally reject him - I decided not to unfriend him myself, but hid him from my newsfeed so I don't have to read the profanity. In your case I would try some of the settings options others have recommended, and then unfriend him if that doesn't work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Neither - Go into your privacy settings and modify what he can see. Click on the friends only next to Posts by me. Then choose to customize and you can hide your status updates from specific people. :iagree: and then hide him so you can't see any of his posts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I'd unfriend him. If he asks why, say he didn't seem to like anything you ever posted so you decided to spare him.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Can't use it against you how? Do you mean to tattle and get you in trouble with other people? Like the powers that be of the family? The snub of being unfriended, to a person who is already obnoxious, would add fuel to the flames, when you see them IRL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Guilty of performing a facebook "frenema" (at least, that's the term I read somewhere recently.....Parade maybe?) That sounds like a very unpleasant medical procedure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I also think you should take a cue from your sister and pretend his comments don't exist. Seriously. Go deaf. Walk or turn away and start talking about something else to anyone else in the room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hwin Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Default your privacy settings so he doesn't see anything you post. OR, if you hit that little padlock icon before you hit "share," you can manually omit him from the list of people who will see your post. I.. do this a lot. Only if I can't unfriend someone (but yes, I have defriended obnoxious relatives.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I would just hide him. That way he doesn't know and can't use it against you IRL. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kchara Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I voted maybe, because it depends on the level of obnoxiousness. My SIL tends to post nothing but rude responses to me, but she does it so infrequently, I don't bother to unfriend her. My brother, though, pulled what it seems like your BIL is doing. He crossed the line, at one point, about a year ago, and I unfriended and blocked him. I still have his wife on my friends list (different SIL), though, so I can see what's going on with my nieces. So, I guess it would depend for me on how personal and how obnoxious they really get. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I'd unfriend him.If he asks why, say he didn't seem to like anything you ever posted so you decided to spare him.;) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I would unfriend him for sure. Sounds like your sis will be fine with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 I have unfriended exactly one obnoxious relative. It was a cousin that I haven't seen or spoken to in...thirteen?...years. He found me on FB so I accepted his friend request. All of his status updates were full of curse words and the topics ranged from being drunk to calling his wife lots of terrible names and such. Usually I just hide those that annoy me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I unfriended a bil who was obnoxious one too many times. Interestingly, I am friends with most of my extended family, all of whom are as liberal as the day is long. I'm the only right wing extremist out of the bunch :D. When they post political or lifestyle topics that I don't like, I scroll past it. They do the same thing with me, and we just focus on saying "Happy Birthday", "Gee, the kids are getting big", etc. Evidently, that was too difficult for bil. He unfriended dh (his brother) and my teens because he was so hurt that I would unfriend him. :001_rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeeBeaks Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Uh, not yet but considering it .... my MIL. You can guess how well that will go over so I have so far been chicken. Is there a way that my friends cannot see when I post responses to others or see comments by my friends? I don't honestly post much, but my MIL uses her FB connection with me to spy on the rest of my family (who post on my wall or I post comments to them) for snarky comments and gossip. I'm hardly a pro at FB though so don't know all the settings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 You can make it so your posts don't go to him, or just delete all of his stupid posts back to you. Just act like you don't know what. is. happening. !! ;) How can he ask, "Where are my nasty posts??" If he says something nice, then leave it :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I'd make a group just for him that eliminates his ability to post on your wall . To him, he'd just think your user got very boring. You can do this by creating a "Friend List", adding him to it, and then setting up your permissions accordingly (privacy settings - customize settings - set to all friends except your group name). I have a group of people that have this status in my friends list - it might be too un-PC to remove them entirely from my friend list, but I don't want to see their posts. I know EXACTLY what you mean by this. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 I unfriended a bil who was obnoxious one too many times. Interestingly, I am friends with most of my extended family, all of whom are as liberal as the day is long. I'm the only right wing extremist out of the bunch :D. When they post political or lifestyle topics that I don't like, I scroll past it. They do the same thing with me, and we just focus on saying "Happy Birthday", "Gee, the kids are getting big", etc. Evidently, that was too difficult for bil. He unfriended dh (his brother) and my teens because he was so hurt that I would unfriend him. :001_rolleyes: I ignore the things he posts that I don't like, which is what I would expect mature people to do. He throws a fit when he loses a board game, though, so I don't know why I expected mature behavior from him. :rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I would unfriend him. This is exactly why I never accepted my bil's friend request. In fact, I blocked him so he can't find me. Not sure if he's figured it out yet. All those security levels just confused me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NancyNellen Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Definitely hide him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I would delete that friendship so fast it would make your keyboard spin. Nobody needs that kind of stress! And it sounds to me like your relationship can't get much worse. Honestly, if he weren't cyber assaulting you at every opportunity, perhaps your IRL tolerance of him could actually increase. I recently deleted a whole chunk of family. Why oh why should I have to go on MY wall and delete their snarky comments? Why should I suffer through newsfeed full of passive aggressive conversations? Nuh-uh, not gonna do it. Facebook is my happy place. Anyone who wants to wreck that... delete, delete, delete. Someone notices? I give the standard answer: "Yes, I decided I was spending too much time on fb so I streamlined my account a bit." And then, if necessary, I just ask them to pass me the bean dip. Or if they might happen to know a recipe for homemade marshmallows. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WiseOwlKnits Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Leave him, but make it so he can't comment on your posts. :D That would teach him. I have to admit though that I rather enjoyed his diatribe. I like when people make themselves look stupid. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chepyl Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I would hide him and delete comments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnitaMcC Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Other. I don't friend them in the first place. If they become obnoxious after I've already friended them, I hide them. If they become offensive, I unfriend them and block them. Same policy for friends and family on FB. Blood doesn't excuse poor behavior. :iagree: This is how I do it. I am very selective on who I friend to start with. I only "friend" family and close friends. A few times I friended a few friends of DH's and that didn't work out so well. If after I friend someone, I find their posts inappropriate and I just don't want to see their posts I will hide them. If the individual is offensive, then I will unfriend them. I won't tolerate offensive/bad behavior in person and sure won't tolerate it on-line. So far I haven't had problems with family (close or extended). But I won't tolerate offensive posts/behavior from them if they ever pulled something like that to me. But then again, Dh and his parents and siblings would not tolerate it either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnitaMcC Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Click in the box where you post to your wall, then click on the little lock icon underneath it. Go to customize, and you can exclude him from viewing the post, and if you'd like, you can set that as your default. I haven't tried it, but it's nice to know it's an option. ETA - *Jen* beat me to it! :) Cool, I didn't know about this little feature. Great to know in case I ever need it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Just "hide" him on the posts you don't want him to see. Much less aggravating than unfriending him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Hide him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly IN Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I have done this to dh's sister in law. I did it right after she posted that she joined a group called "my sister in law is a psycho" group on Facebook. She did it right after she sent me a very nasty email. It was a very horrible letter. My dh also defriended her as well as my older son. She would always post things snarky on every of my status. It got very tiring. Hubby said she is one of those toxic people. Sounds like your BIL is toxic. A friend of mine had to do the same thing her own brother as well. He was nasty to me and all of her friends on facebook. Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 There is a way of expressing an opinion that is respectful. If someone is not respectful, they shouldn't be your Facebook friend, IMO. Its about setting healthy boundaries. Just because someone is family doesn't mean you let them treat you badly or walk over your healthy boundaries- especially if they are only related by marriage and not blood! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 depends on the "postings" and situation if that makes sense....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recovering Sociopath Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Limited profile has saved my sanity without actually unfriending anyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I put them on "ignore" . I don't think they know this happens (as they would an unfriending). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I just have them hidden, so I don't have to see their posts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I hide people who I don't want to see, but who I also don't want to insult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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