For the 10th time, no my daughter cannot stay over at your house!!!

[elizabeth]

Okay, I am beginning to think we are weird or making a weird decision.

 

You are weird and so am I. :lol: We do not do sleepovers either. It is just not something I am ok with for many, many reasons. I am, in case anyone is not aware , a flaming liberal and very, very progressive on all fronts. We do not do sleepovers. So I guess that makes us all weird???!! In any event I get it and do understand feeling disrespected as to your parenting decisions. Why do people feel they should push things our way until we wear down. Home educators do not wear down, we dig in our heels no matter what . It must be independence of thought as common ground . Eh so we are all strange . I am good with that.

[Barry Goldwater]

You are weird and so am I. :lol: We do not do sleepovers either. It is just not something I am ok with for many, many reasons. I am, in case anyone is not aware , a flaming liberal and very, very progressive on all fronts. We do not do sleepovers. So I guess that makes us all weird???!! In any event I get it and do understand feeling disrespected as to your parenting decisions. Why do people feel they should push things our way until we wear down. Home educators do not wear down, we dig in our heels no matter what . It must be independence of thought as common ground . Eh so we are all strange . I am good with that.

 

My dear lady, they are playing ice hockey in H***. We are in complete agreement.:lol:

 

We don't do sleepovers either. My teenagers are learning to tell pushy people, "oh, yeah? Well we have our own rules."

[Nakia]

Weirdos unite!

[Trish]

:iagree:I understand your view, although it's not what we did. However, I would be deeply offended if you thought it was okay for my child to stay overnight at your house but not okay for yours to come to mine. I would take that very personally as it is a double standard, and I would feel untrusted. If you didn't do sleepovers in either direction, I would not take it personally. Hope that makes sense.

 

We also have a double standard. Kids can sleep over at our house, but for my kids it depends on what's going on with the other family. If they have siblings who are older teens (mine are 9 and 11) then I figure they are watching movies and playing games that are inappropriate for my kids, so they can't sleep over.

[FlyingMOm]

No sleepovers here either. No way, no how, not with anyone, ever, not happening. Can you tell I feel strongly about it? :D So we're weird too.

[Ellesmere]

My parents did what you are doing and I quickly got the reputation of being the weird girl. I lost many friends over the fact that i couldn't sleep over at their house because they knew their were other girls who could. It was horrible for me and I have not gotten over the fact that my parents were literally the only ones out of every one I knew who would not allow us to sleep over.

 

I agree with the other posters who say that you are sending a message that the neighbors aren't good enough for you to have your dd sleep over but your house is perfectly safe for them to sleep over. I honestly, if I were the mom, wouldn't allow my dd to sleep at your house anymore. But, that's me.

I feel for you. It's hard being the "weird" one. And I think it would stand out even more to be the girl that gets picked up before every one else. When I slept over for birthday parties, I think I remember a girl or two leaving early. Usually it was explained as having to be somewhere early the next morning, so it didn't seem weird to me. Looking back, maybe those girls weren't allowed to stay the whole night.

 

To me, the question isn't whether or not the friend's daughter is allowed to sleep over at Nakia's anymore -- although I personally think it would be easier to have a no- sleepover-either-way rule. This is about the other mom not respecting her decision. And I would be very upset with her, too. This decision, maybe more nowadays, isn't all that weird around here.

 

I am really feeling especially irritated because the mom will be Anna's AWANA leader next year. She has been the leader of Anna's group for the past two years, but I have been a teacher in the class, too. I will not be in Trek next year with Anna. I am not crazy about that situation or the AWANA program in general.

 

Okay, just needed to get that off my chest. LOL! Thanks!

Nakia, I don't think you are weird, either. It may be easier to go with a no-sleepover rule both ways, as others have said.

[Wabi Sabi]

 

Actually, I am opposed to sleepovers anywhere-but dh and I compromised and allow friends to stay over here. I did alot of sleepovers as a kid/teen and lots of bad stuff went on. Drinking, experimenting (sexual and otherwise), ouija boards and seances, sneaking out, watching R and X rated movies...I remain convinced that nothing really good can come out of having a sleepover.

 

You're convinced that nothing good can come out of a sleepover yet you host them at your house? :confused1:

[ChristusG]

If you are weird, then I'm weird too. :D My DD's are not really old enough to spend the night anywhere yet, but when they are, they will not be allowed to. Trouble comes from sleepovers. I would have no problem with a child coming over here to sleep though. Call it a double standard, but I don't care. I honestly *don't* trust other parents. I know that my children are safe here, there's no guns, no drugs, no alcohol, we supervise at all times, etc. I cannot guarantee that for other people's homes, no matter how great of a family they may seem from the outside looking in. If the parents do not like the double standard, then they do not have to allow their child to sleep over here. That's their prerogative and I have mine.

 

The only two exceptions are my parents house.....and probably one of DH's cousins who has three girls of their own. Our parenting styles are pretty identical and we know them very well. But at this point, the only place my 7 year old has stayed is my parents house....and my 4 year old has never even stayed there.

 

And for the record, I'd be TOTALLY ticked off at your DD's friends mother for trying to undermine your authority.

[Joy at Home]

You're convinced that nothing good can come out of a sleepover yet you host them at your house? :confused1:

 

She stated this was a compromise with dh.

[stripe]

Maybe tell the mom that your daughter is not available, but you are. Or have some family camp out or something, if you really want to be exciting.

 

Or ask her over weekly for a Harry Potter's book group.

 

Or tell her your daughter is coming, and she's bringing a DVD of Harry Potter.

[5kidsforME]

My parents did what you are doing and I quickly got the reputation of being the weird girl. I lost many friends over the fact that i couldn't sleep over at their house because they knew their were other girls who could. It was horrible for me and I have not gotten over the fact that my parents were literally the only ones out of every one I knew who would not allow us to sleep over.

 

I agree with the other posters who say that you are sending a message that the neighbors aren't good enough for you to have your dd sleep over but your house is perfectly safe for them to sleep over. I honestly, if I were the mom, wouldn't allow my dd to sleep at your house anymore. But, that's me.

 

Aren't you the one that has had (admitted by you) a really messed up upbriging and your parents did many many other things that were far worse to you then denying you the privilege of having friends over?

Edited June 1, 2011 by Momto4kids

[Heather in Neverland]

Nakia you are not weird and I do the same thing. My kids may not sleep over at other homes but their friends are welcome at my house. Some may consider it a double standard. I consider it each person making their own parenting choices. You might be ok with your child sleeping over at another's house and if you are then great, they can come here. I, however, am not ok with my kids sleeping over at other people's houses so they will be staying home. To each his own. It is not personal and people really shouldn't take it that way. I would not try to undermine another parent's decision though as this lady is doing to you.

[cat]

It is what you are comfortable with. I would not wavier on my decision! If I feel strongly about it, then it stands! I would not let anyone make me feel like I need to change my mind about my decision. Heaven forbid something happen, and I would never forgive myself.

[In The Great White North]

No sleepovers here either.

 

And my parents didn't allow them when I was a kid either.

[Chez J]

But I think you are sending a signal that suggests that sleepovers at your house are ok, but sleepovers at the neighbor's house are not ok. It makes it look like what you object to is not young kids' having a friend over for the night, but any sleepover that you are not in control of.

 

I agree. It would creep me out to let my dd spend the night in that situation. Only at her house? Why????? What are they doing over there??? Creepy!

[lovinmyboys]

I agree that sleepovers are definately not necessary. I don't know anything about the situation other than what you wrote (obviously) but i might cut the mom some slack about usurping your authority. Sometimes people only see things thru their own kids. It may be that her daughter really, really, really wants your daughter to spend the night with her and the mom is just trying to make that happen. In her brain she is trustworthy, she lets her daughter stay with you, so she just doesn't even see that she is usurping your authority by trying to talk you into it. She also may be a little like you and want her kids to spend time at home with her where she can supervise-but still be with their friends. She may want to get to know the friends better (obviously she can do that in the daylight). So, I think she should not try to go around your authority, but I also think maybe you should think about it from her point of view-not necessarily change your mind but give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

I know my Ds would be really upset if he could go to his best friends house, but his bf couldn't come over here. He wants to plan the cool things to do with his stuff in his house sometimes too.

[Alicia64]

I'd like to be admitted to this weirdo club too. My boys are 8 and have never slept away from us.

 

Not to hijack, but we had a sleepover w/ a 7 year old boy and his very sweet sister who just turned 11.

 

I kept a close watch -- we're in relocation apts. -- and stayed around until the fell asleep.

 

The next day it became apparent that the very sweet sister took a small Simon, four special rocks and four Star Wars Lego characters.

 

To make matters worse, she'd just had a party and I gave her a nice sized gift certificate, a Star Wars character (identical to the one she later took from us) and one more small something.

 

I guess I now think that sleepovers can get. . . weird. (No pun intended.)

And I can't even imagine what can happen when the kids are away at another house.

 

Alley

[sagira]

No sleepovers allowed in either direction here. The only time kids get to sleep over is if they stay in their aunt's room in her bed (aunt, 20, comes home from college, all this at Grandma's house).

[i.love.lucy]

I allow sleepovers, but only with certain kids/families. And yes, it's a trust issue. Not quite as much with the other family as it is with a group of girls and what they might all get in to or talk about. But the basis for this is that I trust my kid. She knows my rules and boundaries. She has only once asked to sleep over at a friend's house that I was not comfortable with and so I said no.

 

I will tell you all that from her perspective, the ones that "don't do sleepovers" are not weird at all. They just don't sleep over. Eh. No biggie. She has been to s/o where girls are picked up by 11 or whatever and no one thinks or says a thing about it. So if that's your rule, stick to it. Their girl friends that are truly good friends do understand and will not exclude them for it!

 

Now...boys...that's a whole 'nuther thing. It might be a double standard, but I can't see allowing it for my son. I've seen the group mentality with boys go too far to destruction and wildness. He can do it on a camp out with Scouts but not at my house!

[KarenC]

We would not stay friends very long if I trusted you enough to allow my child to sleep at your house and you did not trust me in the same way. If you want the girls to stay friends, then I would say no sleep overs period. Even then, it's hard to believe they would remain good friends long term. The other mother would probably find someone more compatible. You may need to find someone more compatible too.

 

 

Just my opinion,

 

Karen

[LibraryLover]

The only thing I would suggest is to put into place a no sleep over at all policy. That includes no sleep overs at your house.

 

It really isn't fair for one child to get to sleep over but to not host a sleep over.

 

The mom may be feeling untrusted because while she trusts her kids to you you don't reciprocate the feeling.

 

:iagree: it would make your life easier. I trust myself more than I would trust even you, Nakia. :D I trust myself the most, although I can be reasonable. lol

 

My youngest has known her best friend since infancy. They have a wonderful life together which includes sleepovers. I would actually discourage this friendship if the mother decided to change our allow policy. I want my dd to have that lovely giggly magical friendship. For these little girls, that includes sleepovers where they draw by flashlight, have a late late snack, & listen to their current fav audio book in their jammies while tucked into their sleeping bags.

 

I want that sort of fun to be a part of her childhood, so the i would want her to have a friendship where families cared about and trusted each other.

Edited June 1, 2011 by LibraryLover

[unsinkable]

What if it was a different situation?

 

What if there were 2 families. One family (Family A) wouldn't let their children drive with anyone who was traveling on a road that the speed limit was greater than 30 mph. But that same family would take the other family's children (Family B) on roads that were over 30 mph all the time.

 

If I was in Family B, I'd be wondering what I had done wrong, if I wasn't trustworthy, etc. I'd also pull way, way back.

 

Family A (of course) has every right to do whatever they want with their children and they owe no explanation to anyone.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Nakia,

 

While I can see that the other family might be offended that you allow sleepovers one way but not the other, I fully support you in sticking to your rules. I think it is terrible that the other mother is being so underhanded and undermining your authority. If she has a problem with that, she should take it up with you, not the children. Yeesh!

[arghmatey]

I complete support your decision and am so annoyed by the other mother's persistence. And weird scmheird. Is someone here going for normal?

[4everHis]

Nakia, you are not weird. :001_smile:

 

You need to communicate with Anna that she cannot let the other mother try to manipulate you by getting the girls involved. Let her know that if this continues she may lose her friend. Then explain to the mother ONE LAST TIME that you are not EVER going to allow your daughter to sleep over - that it is nothing personal, just your family's rule and not to involve the girls in her tries (manipulation) to get you to change it.

 

:iagree:

[Joker]

What if it was a different situation?

 

What if there were 2 families. One family (Family A) wouldn't let their children drive with anyone who was traveling on a road that the speed limit was greater than 30 mph. But that same family would take the other family's children (Family B) on roads that were over 30 mph all the time.

 

If I was in Family B, I'd be wondering what I had done wrong, if I wasn't trustworthy, etc. I'd also pull way, way back.

 

Family A (of course) has every right to do whatever they want with their children and they owe no explanation to anyone.

 

I allow sleepovers (with limited families I trust completely) but I don't allow other people to drive with my children. It's very much a control issue and I'm ok with it for now. I know what my reasons are for it and no one would change my mind at this moment.

 

Nakia, I don't think you're weird. You're just doing what feels comfortable for you now and there is nothing at all wrong with that.

[elizabeth]

My dear lady, they are playing ice hockey in H***. We are in complete agreement.:lol:

 

We don't do sleepovers either. My teenagers are learning to tell pushy people, "oh, yeah? Well we have our own rules."

 

:lol: I am not surprised though. I think we both have pretty sensible noggins they just run in different directions.

[unsinkable]

What if it was a different situation?

 

What if there were 2 families. One family (Family A) wouldn't let their children drive with anyone who was traveling on a road that the speed limit was greater than 30 mph. But that same family would take the other family's children (Family B) on roads that were over 30 mph all the time.

 

If I was in Family B, I'd be wondering what I had done wrong, if I wasn't trustworthy, etc. I'd also pull way, way back.

 

Family A (of course) has every right to do whatever they want with their children and they owe no explanation to anyone.

 

I allow sleepovers (with limited families I trust completely) but I don't allow other people to drive with my children. It's very much a control issue and I'm ok with it for now. I know what my reasons are for it and no one would change my mind at this moment.

 

Nakia, I don't think you're weird. You're just doing what feels comfortable for you now and there is nothing at all wrong with that.

 

Just bolding what I wrote before and saying it again: Family A (of course) has every right to do whatever they want with their children and they owe no explanation to anyone.

 

I am wondering what I said wrong? Sometimes I think I am not in the Popular Girls Club here. LOL

[amyrjoy]

I have no real advice. Lol. Just wanted to say I don't think it's weird. I have a few friends who have the same policy. I will only let Ella go to two different places for sleepovers. I hope the situation gets better with the mom!

[Joker]

Just bolding what I wrote before and saying it again: Family A (of course) has every right to do whatever they want with their children and they owe no explanation to anyone.

 

I am wondering what I said wrong? Sometimes I think I am not in the Popular Girls Club here. LOL

 

I don't think you said anything wrong!! I thought you used that as another example because you find it weird. I was just pointing out we each have different levels of comfort and letting you know driving is actually one of my "things". I've never had anyone have a problem with it though.

[lvbnhome]

I wanted to post a reply to your post because I have already raised 2 daughters, ...and now we have 2 dc in the home, and have always felt the same way you have.

 

It is a rule at our house, that friends can spend the night at our house, but we don't allow sleepovers, unless it is with the two sets of grandparents (we have 3 sets).

I've read alot here about people being "offended", but to be quite honest, for us that is a no brainer:) We are not as concerned with offending other people, as we are about keeping our children safe, and making decisions that we feel are best for them. (no flames from anyone please, this is just our philosophy) ....And good grief...homeschooling does offend some people too :) So, that is a funny comment to me:)

 

Also, this is how my husband was raised..and his parents were not christians, but wanted to make sure they were keeping a watchful eye on their kiddos. They could have over as many friends as they wanted, but were not allowed sleepovers in other peoples homes.

 

Now that we have 2 children out of the house 21, and 19 (living in India..btw)...They have told us, that they thought that was a good idea, and thank us for holding to what we felt was right.

Also, I just might also mention that when we were considering the issue, I met a husband and wife that were pediatricians and they had a "no sleepovers ever!" policy...and it was solely based upon some of the abuse they had seen in their practices. We did not make our decisions based on this..but honestly...just held to what we felt was right...Now? Now that they are out of the house? We have no regrets with that decision...and they feel good about it too...We kid around with the one dd in India right now...she is finally getting her "sleep over"..he he..

[unsinkable]

I don't think you said anything wrong!! I thought you used that as another example because you find it weird. I was just pointing out we each have different levels of comfort and letting you know driving is actually one of my "things". I've never had anyone have a problem with it though.

 

Where did I say I found it weird?

 

I never said it was weird.

 

:confused::confused::confused:

[Joker]

Where did I say I found it weird?

 

I never said it was weird.

 

:confused::confused::confused:

 

Sorry! The word was thrown around a few times in here. You didn't say it - you said you would pull back. I guess I have no idea what you were trying to say and I'll stop now so I don't upset you further.

[unsinkable]

Sorry! The word was thrown around a few times in here. You didn't say it - you said you would pull back. I guess I have no idea what you were trying to say and I'll stop now so I don't upset you further.

 

I said I would pull back b/c I would be wondering what I did wrong, if I was untrustworthy, etc...

[secular_mom]

What if it was a different situation?

 

Then it would be a different situation. :)

I don't allow my kids to ride with other people, and we don't do sleepovers. Gosh, with four kids every night is a sleepover :lol:

Some people make decisions that others disagree with, and sometimes that changes relationships or prevents any relationship from forming and that's okay. I don't go to church, cause I'm an atheist and I'm not interested. That's okay. I invite the neighbor kids to play at our house, but do NOT allow my kids to play in the neighbors houses and that's okay. If the neighbors don't like it they sure haven't complained. It's really hard to separate the three youngest though, and it's just easier for everyone if the other kids come here. Plus the behavior of the neighborhood kids here is... questionable... if they aren't supervised (harassing wildlife, harassing pets, constant lying (my quirky kid can't always tell if someone is lying so it's nice to be able to hear what's being said and butt in when that's happening), and just plain bullying each other.

They don't HAVE to come here, and their parents don't HAVE to allow them to come here. The 'other' mom in the OP may decide to stop allowing her dd to spend the night with Nakia's dd. I don't think Nakia will be crushed by such a decision. I don't see rational adults deciding to end their child's friendship over such a small detail (no sleepovers at other people's homes).

[unsinkable]

Then it would be a different situation. :)

I don't allow my kids to ride with other people, and we don't do sleepovers. Gosh, with four kids every night is a sleepover :lol:

Some people make decisions that others disagree with, and sometimes that changes relationships or prevents any relationship from forming and that's okay. I don't go to church, cause I'm an atheist and I'm not interested. That's okay. I invite the neighbor kids to play at our house, but do NOT allow my kids to play in the neighbors houses and that's okay. If the neighbors don't like it they sure haven't complained. It's really hard to separate the three youngest though, and it's just easier for everyone if the other kids come here. Plus the behavior of the neighborhood kids here is... questionable... if they aren't supervised (harassing wildlife, harassing pets, constant lying (my quirky kid can't always tell if someone is lying so it's nice to be able to hear what's being said and butt in when that's happening), and just plain bullying each other.

They don't HAVE to come here, and their parents don't HAVE to allow them to come here. The 'other' mom in the OP may decide to stop allowing her dd to spend the night with Nakia's dd. I don't think Nakia will be crushed by such a decision. I don't see rational adults deciding to end their child's friendship over such a small detail (no sleepovers at other people's homes).

 

I was trying to think of a situation in which parents are NOT trusting other parents to do something that might have the similarly intense reprecusions if something would go wrong (but that was different from the sleepover situation).

 

Might I say again:

 

Family A (of course) has every right to do whatever they want with their children and they owe no explanation to anyone.

 

ETA: My first sentence might easily be the worst sentence I have ever written. I apologize to readers in advance.

Edited June 2, 2011 by unsinkable

[Mosaicmind]

I'm sorry that happened to you and that you have such long lasting effects from it, but I am not worried about my kids being the "weird" ones. I want them to learn that we don't do things just because others do. We don't have to follow the crowd. And I want them to know that we make decisions based on what we believe to be right regardless of what others say or do.

 

And if the other mom doesn't want her kid at my house, so be it. We aren't begging people to let their kids come here.

 

I don't ever try and impose my views on other parents. I want them to respect my decisions so I respect theirs. And i respect you for making this and sticking to it. Unfortunately, I sometimes take things personally and tend to go the other side; alot of it is due to my mental illness and I always wonder if other parents don't want their kids around me.

 

I think it's horrible that she actually said that to your dd. What a way to cause a rift between you and your dd.

[Wabi Sabi]

 

My youngest has known her best friend since infancy. They have a wonderful life together which includes sleepovers. I would actually discourage this friendship if the mother decided to change our allow policy. I want my dd to have that lovely giggly magical friendship. For these little girls, that includes sleepovers where they draw by flashlight, have a late late snack, & listen to their current fav audio book in their jammies while tucked into their sleeping bags.

 

I want that sort of fun to be a part of her childhood, so the i would want her to have a friendship where families cared about and trusted each other.

 

That's my experience as well. My ds has only spent the night with very close friends who we know well, but then again he's never even asked to spend the night with some random kid that wasn't already a very close family friend.

 

But yes, staying up giggling at night, camping out in the backyard together in a tent- it's all very sweet and fun. Good things CAN come out of sleepovers. And- gasp!- my ds' best friend who typically spends the night with us a couple times each month is a girl! Scandalous, I tell ya. :tongue_smilie:

 

If you don't want to do them, eh, your prerogative as a parent but you can't just generalize all sleepovers as these horrible things where bad things are lurking around every corner.

[secular_mom]

 

If you don't want to do them, eh, your prerogative as a parent but you can't just generalize all sleepovers as these horrible things where bad things are lurking around every corner.

Actually, one CAN generalize them in such a manner. That is one's prerogative. ;)

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Your kids...your rules.

 

We do not allow our daughters to go to sleepovers. They do sleep over with my mother once a month or so, but that's it! Their friends are more than welcome to sleep over here. My oldest daughter's best friend's mother (that's a mouthful!) does not seem to understand our position. I explained that we do not do sleepovers, very kind and firm, the first 2 or 3 times they asked. But around the 4th time, when the mom looked at Anna and said, "I am going to talk your mom into letting you spend the night at our house one way or the other!" in a half-joking kind of way, I had had enough. I pulled her aside and told her that she is not to pull that again because we would not be persuaded and that she was potentially ruining our daughters' friendship. I thought we had reached an understanding, but alas, I was wrong. Last week, the mom told me that her daughter is having a birthday party/sleepover next month, and they would like Anna to attend. Again, I very firmly explained that Anna can not sleep over, but that we would be happy to let her come for the evening's festivities (cook-out, miniature golf, etc). There was a misunderstanding of some sort where both my dd and hers ended up in tears, and I am fully certain that the mother had something to do with it.

 

I am tired of dealing with this. Why can't people respect other parents' decisions? This is the same family that lets their 10 year old watch Twilight, but is appalled that my dd reads Harry Potter. And this is the same family that refuses to let their 17 year old speak to boys or get a license and claim their daughters cannot leave home until they marry. Do I tell them what I think about their decisions or question them in front of their children? NOPE! It's none of my business how they raise their daughters.

 

I am really feeling especially irritated because the mom will be Anna's AWANA leader next year. She has been the leader of Anna's group for the past two years, but I have been a teacher in the class, too. I will not be in Trek next year with Anna. I am not crazy about that situation or the AWANA program in general.

 

If not for the fact that our daughters love each other so much, I would put an end to the whole relationship. But the girls are great friends, and Anna would be devastated if I didn't allow them to be friends. And this is clearly a mother problem. The daughter is a sweet sweet child that I love as well. I have the feeling that as the years go on, the friendship might fade because our families have very different views on so many things.

 

 

Okay, just needed to get that off my chest. LOL! Thanks!

[Wabi Sabi]

Actually, one CAN generalize them in such a manner. That is one's prerogative. ;)

 

Touche. Yes, you CAN, but it'd be a logical fallacy, no?

 

Just as if I hypothetically generalized that all parents who don't allow sleepovers must be uptight and paranoid. I certainly CAN make that generalization, but clearly that isn't really the case. Some cases, perhaps, but not all... :tongue_smilie:

[secular_mom]

Touche. Yes, you CAN, but it'd be a logical fallacy, no?

 

Just as if I hypothetically generalized that all parents who don't allow sleepovers must be uptight and paranoid. I certainly CAN make that generalization, but clearly that isn't really the case. Some cases, perhaps, but not all... :tongue_smilie:

:D

[SonshineLearner]

I have to say, that not allowing sleepovers is each family's decision. But, it is one that makes others feel untrusted and jilted. Everyone has reasons for their decision, and all of them are without the need to be justified, but..... I loved sleepovers... and they are part of the great memories I have. I think it's like everything else that you do, it's a "one step" at a time thing. I mean... just like you're saying they don't allow their girls to move out till married... and you think that's a bit odd.... your kids will do "sleep overs" when they are a certain age... even if it's not till they move out. I have had friends who say no to sleepovers... and I have always thought it odd... and like... if something is going to happen... things could go wrong while I'm driving (a wreck... not even <hopefully> my fault... or the pool.... It's another chance at going wrong... but more likely more of a chance of going right.... Just my thought...

[Jean in Newcastle]

Touche. Yes, you CAN, but it'd be a logical fallacy, no?

 

Just as if I hypothetically generalized that all parents who don't allow sleepovers must be uptight and paranoid. I certainly CAN make that generalization, but clearly that isn't really the case. Some cases, perhaps, but not all... :tongue_smilie:

 

Logically, yes, you are right. But statistically, some of us do not want to play the odds. Some of us had parents who played the odds and lost. The bad consequences of that are much higher than the good consequences of a sleepover. And - many of us try to work in the good things - times to giggle, look at stars, camp. . . in ways with much better odds.

[AuntieM]

Logically, yes, you are right. But statistically, some of us do not want to play the odds. Some of us had parents who played the odds and lost. The bad consequences of that are much higher than the good consequences of a sleepover. And - many of us try to work in the good things - times to giggle, look at stars, camp. . . in ways with much better odds.

 

:iagree:

 

The fact that we nix sleepovers doesn't mean we're total party poopers!

 

And, for those of us who know someone who experienced a life altering sleepover, I'm guessing the odds will never be good enough to play that game.

[LibraryLover]

It's not weird to say No. I don't think it is, at any rate. But it does make some people, Nakia's friend, for one, wonder. If you want to eliminate that, you have to change the rules, or drop the friendship. Or accept that she will ask 10 or 20 more times. :D

 

That said... the Bad Things WILL Happen stance does give me pause, although I accept it, because I would say no to certain homes as well, but I also would not invite the child to sleep at my home. If something bad could happen at the child's home, that child could bring something bad into my home, and I wouldn't risk that.

 

I know that nothing bad is going to happen to my child at her best freind's house during a sleep over. I don't play the What If came there, since I know there are no pedophiles in that house, and I trust that family as much as I trust myself. If anything, she is more careful because of her particular nature.

 

I think a family can have their own rules, we have our own rules, but I also know the statistical possibility of sexual abuse is 0 percent.

 

I wish I could take those odds to the roulette wheel. 100% odds of winning would be sweeeet.

Edited June 2, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Ellesmere]

That's my experience as well. My ds has only spent the night with very close friends who we know well, but then again he's never even asked to spend the night with some random kid that wasn't already a very close family friend.

 

But yes, staying up giggling at night, camping out in the backyard together in a tent- it's all very sweet and fun. Good things CAN come out of sleepovers. And- gasp!- my ds' best friend who typically spends the night with us a couple times each month is a girl! Scandalous, I tell ya. :tongue_smilie:

 

If you don't want to do them, eh, your prerogative as a parent but you can't just generalize all sleepovers as these horrible things where bad things are lurking around every corner.

I've heard some sleepover stories that are really sweet. I commented in the s/o thread that some I went to were fine. And some were awful. And none of the awful ones were any more or less trouble than what happened in broad daylight. Obviously, a no sleepover rule doesn't prevent trouble-making or abuse. I don't think anyone makes that rule and feels like they are suddenly safe or superior. Or at least I hope not.

 

We generally don't allow sleepovers but I don't think it is scandalous or permissive to allow them, if the parent has, like you, put some thought into it. If we ever did allow them, I hope I'd be more alert to any trouble. The parents I grew up around either just thought we were having some good clean fun or winked if they discovered something inappropriate. I'm not talking just little pranks or a sip of a drink, either.

 

But I thought was this was more about the relationship between the two moms than whether or not sleepovers are ok. They both have made their choices about this topic and the other mom might be more considerate of Nakia's choice. And Nakia might consider if she should allow sleepovers at her home anymore and how she feels about this mom being her daughter's group leader.

 

I have to say, that not allowing sleepovers is each family's decision. But, it is one that makes others feel untrusted and jilted. Everyone has reasons for their decision, and all of them are without the need to be justified, but..... I loved sleepovers... and they are part of the great memories I have. I think it's like everything else that you do, it's a "one step" at a time thing. I mean... just like you're saying they don't allow their girls to move out till married... and you think that's a bit odd.... your kids will do "sleep overs" when they are a certain age... even if it's not till they move out. I have had friends who say no to sleepovers... and I have always thought it odd... and like... if something is going to happen... things could go wrong while I'm driving (a wreck... not even <hopefully> my fault... or the pool.... It's another chance at going wrong... but more likely more of a chance of going right.... Just my thought...

I would have thought the no sleepover thing was odd, even with my background of naughty, bad, no-good sleepovers (mixed in with some perfectly innocent ones. We had two friends that took in our kids during a medical emergency. For us, we know that the rule doesn't guarantee safety, but we are not concerned about pool or car accidents.

 

Did you see the s/o thread? When your friends say no, it might not be you or your kids personally that they don't trust. And for me, the decision is not a matter of personal distrust, either. Nor do I think no sleepovers=guaranteed safety.

[angela in ohio]

Okay, I am beginning to think we are weird or making a weird decision.

 

I actually think sleepovers are wierd. I did many as a kid, and I even thought they were wierd then. :D I see no point in sleeping at someone else's house, unless you are traveling or visiting for a few days.

 

It is just one part of a total approach that protects our dc's sleep, schedule, and diet and keeps them incredibly healthy and learning easily. We aren't crazy if something disrupts it, but it must be more important than a sleepover.

[Aelwydd]

I have let ds spend the night over at a few friends' houses, at at my sister's house. So far, we have not had anyone come to our house, because all the other parents are not comfortable with letting their kids sleep over here.

 

I will say that I find this scenario extremely satisfactory, from my point of view. I mean, they want to deal with all the noise, crying, loud playing, late night theatrics, food being thrown, beds being wetted...and not allow me my turn?

 

Well. My pride will recover. :lol:

 

The only strict stipulation I have with my ds spending the night is that the home he will be staying at does not contain any GUNS. I live in Texas, where it seems like everyone and their dog has a gun. I am way more paranoid about ds being enthusiastically "shown" a gun his friend's dad or big brother owns and that just happens to also be loaded. Also, dangerous breeds of dogs are also a no-go. Got a pit bull? German Shepherd? It may be a lovely amazing dog that babysits the toddler, but ds is not spending the night.

 

I am very upfront about it. So far, I haven't had anyone take offense or be upset.

 

Regarding the OP: I don't think you're weird; I just think your parenting style is extremely strict and controlling. But that's your prerogative and your business. Other people would say my hang-ups are paranoid.

 

If the other family can't take a clue, then be prepared to tell them in no uncertain terms what you said earlier, namely that it is a trust issue, safety issue, and a control issue. If they cannot accept that, then your dd will probably lose her best friend, but at least the harassment will stop.

Edited June 2, 2011 by Aelwydd

[Nakia]

Regarding the OP: I don't think you're weird; I just think your parenting style is extremely strict and controlling. But that's your prerogative and your business. Other people would say my hang-ups are paranoid.

 

If the other family can't take a clue, then be prepared to tell them in no uncertain terms what you said earlier, namely that it is a trust issue, safety issue, and a control issue. If they cannot accept that, then your dd will probably lose her best friend, but at least the harassment will stop.

 

I appreciate this discussion, even those of you who think I am weird. ;)

 

I don't have time to respond to every single post, but I will say that you, Aelwydd, really have no right to call me "extremely strict and controlling" when you know about me other than the fact that I will not allow my dds to attend sleepovers. Yes, I said it was a trust, safety and control issue, the control part being that I have control of what the kids are watching and doing if they are in MY home. And as I said previously in this thread, there certainly are particular trust issues with this family that I won't discuss here. If you really knew me, you would agree I am far from "extremely strict and controlling".

 

I hope my dd does not lose her best friend over something like a sleepover. If anything, she will lose her best friend because the bf's mother cannot respect my decisions.

Edited June 3, 2011 by Nakia