S/O Why is it so terrible to live at home before marriage?

[Susan in TX]

I noticed several posts on the "What do You Think of This" thread that criticize the fact that a young couple who are planning to get married are still living at home with parents. Why is this so bad? Dh and I lived at home until we got married, so did my parents. And so did all but one of my siblings. Living at home with parents before marriage doesn't mean you will be living with them after the wedding.

 

Susan in TX

[Impish]

I don't think its *terrible*. I do think that there is a learning curve when it comes to living on your own, learning to budget, etc. Same with being married.

 

To do both at once, I think, can make things more challenging. I think there's a maturation process that happens when you're on your own, paying your own way, that can't happen when living with your parents. I think living on your own is a valuable experience to have, and I'll encourage my kids to do so before marrying.

[Remudamom]

I think people like to find fault, that's why. What difference does it make? We all seem to survive.

[Garga]

In the other thread you're referring to, it wasn't the fact that they both lived at home.

 

It was the fact that there was no plan or readying to move out. Instead of asking for the usual as wedding gifts (pots, pans, dishes), they were asking for massages on a cruise.

 

It looks like this couple will still be living at home and somewhat mooching of their parents, or will try to move out and have NOTHING when they do...thereby setting themselves up for failure.

 

 

My dh and I both lived at home b4 we were married (up until the actual day of the wedding.) But we had asked for household items for our wedding gifts, and we went on a modest honeymoon (within driving distance) because we didn't have money to spare--we wanted to be able to pay our rent and new bills.

 

 

That's why the other thread was started. As a sort of "Oh my! what is this couple going to DO when they get back from their trip and don't have dishes to eat off of!?"

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think it depends on how old you are. I got married at age 29 - to be still at home at that age would not have been good. The young people in that thread are . . . young. It doesn't seem strange to me that they would still be living at home.

[cmarango]

This is very normal in Colombia. My dh does not understand why people move out before they are married. However, their culture is a bit different than ours and children and parents seem to be able to get along better. There is no huge push for independence of children (like here in the US)since family support is a given? (not the best word choice) His best friend did not move out until he got married at age 38, I believe.

 

I plan on raising my children like this. I do not want my children dreaming of the day that they can finally be on their own and do what they want, as I did when I was a teenager. My parents and I got along much better after I had been out of the house for several years. Looking back, I think that this is very sad.

[Crissy]

It was the fact that there was no plan or readying to move out. Instead of asking for the usual as wedding gifts (pots, pans, dishes), they were asking for massages on a cruise.

 

....

 

 

That's why the other thread was started. As a sort of "Oh my! what is this couple going to DO when they get back from their trip and don't have dishes to eat off of!?"

 

That was my impression as well.

I don't think the concern was about where the young people live before the wedding, but that they don't appear to be preparing for life after the wedding.

[blakereese]

I don't think its *terrible*. I do think that there is a learning curve when it comes to living on your own, learning to budget, etc. Same with being married.

 

To do both at once, I think, can make things more challenging. I think there's a maturation process that happens when you're on your own, paying your own way, that can't happen when living with your parents. I think living on your own is a valuable experience to have, and I'll encourage my kids to do so before marrying.

 

:iagree:

 

I didn't read the other thread mentioned, but I do think it is helpful to have some living-on-your-own experience before getting married. Not necessary, but helpful. There are some things you just won't understand until you live it, and to add a new marriage on top of learning how to pay your bills, etc...well, that is a lot at once. I was 28 when I got married and I am glad that I had quite a few years of living on my own and figuring out being a grown up before marrying. For a lot of reasons.

[LizzyBee]

I had a friend who lived at home until he got married at about 27 yo. He had saved up a lot of money and was in a great financial position to begin marriage. He was mature and independent, and he knew how to budget and manage his money. He and his parents get along well and they treated him as an adult, so it worked out great.

[Susan in TX]

In the other thread you're referring to, it wasn't the fact that they both lived at home.

 

It was the fact that there was no plan or readying to move out. Instead of asking for the usual as wedding gifts (pots, pans, dishes), they were asking for massages on a cruise.

 

It looks like this couple will still be living at home and somewhat mooching of their parents, or will try to move out and have NOTHING when they do...thereby setting themselves up for failure.

 

Just because they were not asking for the usual wedding gifts doesn't mean they were going to continue living at home with their parents after marriage. If the original post said that, then I missed it.

 

That's why the other thread was started. As a sort of "Oh my! what is this couple going to DO when they get back from their trip and don't have dishes to eat off of!?"

 

This is kind of illogical. Lots of young people move out and live on their own before they get married and they somehow manage to do so on their own without the advantage of wedding gifts.

 

Susan in TX

[bbsweetpea]

I lived on my own before I got married (moved out at 18) but my husband did not. He went from his Mom's house (say that because she babied him) to ours when we got back from our honeymoon. I REALLY wish he had lived on his own first. When we got married I was debt free, had my own car, did not even owe college bills and had money in savings. He on the other hand had a car payment and no clue how to budget. The first several years were really hard. Even after 12 years there are times that I get frustrated with how he handles money and I think if he had some time to do it all on his own he would understand it more.

 

We were 21 when we got married so I don't think we were too young either.

[mytwomonkeys]

i don't think it's terrible. i moved out when i was 18 & moved back home in my early 20's while finishing my degree. i got married when i was 28 (still living at home) and my parents actually let us live in their basement to save for our first house. it was an amazing & generous gift. i'm a few months shy of 40 now and we are in the best position of our lives. i'm very grateful my parents gave us the opportunity to get ahead.

[LidiyaDawn]

 

 

That's why the other thread was started. As a sort of "Oh my! what is this couple going to DO when they get back from their trip and don't have dishes to eat off of!?"

 

Maybe they'll be renting a furnished place? A lot of the rentals we've had have been that way - the one we're in right now is furnished right down to the dishes.

[HiddenJewel]

There are two different scenarios for someone still living at home. You can either still be living as the child no matter your age where dad and mom are taking care of everything and the person has not learned to take care of his own financial responsibilities, etc. Or you can be living at home as an adult taking care of your responsibilities and learning the skills necessary for living on your own.

 

The first scenario would definitely cause a learning curve if going straight from home to married life. The second not so much.

 

However, no matter the situation, life skills should have been learned in high school anyway.

[T'smom]

I think it might be easier to go from living with parents/family to being married than to be 'on your own' first. Dh and I both lived on our own before getting married and it was hard to learn how to take someone else's preferences into consideration again. We had both gotten very used to having everything exactly the way we wanted it. (and at least for me- I had gotten used to not having anybody messing things up!) Maybe it's best to have roommates first? I didn't really think there was that much of a learning curve to being on my own.

[vonfirmath]

My husband's parents pushed him out after he told them he had a steady girlfriend he was planning to marry (ME). They wanted him to live on his own, have bills, etc. Basically to learn what it means to live independently before he got married and had a family to support.

 

I think it was very wise of them to see that their son needed this.

[Murphy101]

It isn't.

 

I got married at 19. Big whoop. If they need dishes, they will get some. It is not rocket science. It doesn't take much to live on your own. Cheap place and some basic kitchen and bathroom stuff and you're done. Not living the high life, but living better than many none the less.

 

I also don't associate living at home with not learning how to work and budget, or the reverse, not living at home and knowing those things. Heck. MOST adults do not budget at all, regardless of where they live or when the moved out or their level of income.

 

When we married, dh worked retail and I worked at a call center. Every payday up to the wedding, we bought a little something for our lives together. A set of dishes, pots, a card table set to serve as a dining room, the flowers for the wedding, the invitations, the deposit for the apt, bathroom stuff, glasses, some sheets, the tuxes...

 

I distinctly remember both of our mothers getting annoyed at how much we were accumulating bc they were worried guests wouldn't have anything to buy us. "Don't buy dishes! You might get it as a gift!" Er and if we don't?:001_huh:

 

I still have about a dozen bath towels in a box from the wedding. Seems like the vast majority of the gifts were crock pots and towels! We kept a couple crock pots that have long since been replaced. Returned or regifted the other dozen or so. And boxed up something like 30 bath towel sets to pull out as other wore out.:lol:

 

We certainly didn't ask permission or approval about wedding plans and the honeymoon or how to set up house together. People old enough to get married shouldn't need to, much less be expected to do so.:confused:

 

Personally, as long as everyone under my roof is considerate, responsible, kind, and contributing the family - I don't care if they are over 18. For that matter, I don't care if they are still here when they get married and have grand babies conveniently for my doting enjoyment.

 

I see many benefits. Less debt/more savings for everyone and always a helpful hand available to name a couple.

 

And if they aren't considerate, responsible, kind and contributing? Well they might not get to stay until they are 18 in that case regardless of their income level and budgeting abilities!

[justamouse]

This is very normal in Colombia. My dh does not understand why people move out before they are married. However, their culture is a bit different than ours and children and parents seem to be able to get along better. There is no huge push for independence of children (like here in the US)since family support is a given? (not the best word choice) His best friend did not move out until he got married at age 38, I believe.

 

I plan on raising my children like this. I do not want my children dreaming of the day that they can finally be on their own and do what they want, as I did when I was a teenager. My parents and I got along much better after I had been out of the house for several years. Looking back, I think that this is very sad.

 

This is how we are raising ours.

 

It isn't.

 

 

Personally, as long as everyone under my roof is considerate, responsible, kind, and contributing the family - I don't care if they are over 18. For that matter, I don't care if they are still here when they get married and have grand babies conveniently for my doting enjoyment.

 

I see many benefits. Less debt/more savings for everyone and always a helpful hand available to name a couple.

 

And if they aren't considerate, responsible, kind and contributing? Well they might not get to stay until they are 18 in that case regardless of their income level and budgeting abilities!

 

:iagree:

[Audrey]

I don't think its *terrible*. I do think that there is a learning curve when it comes to living on your own, learning to budget, etc. Same with being married.

 

To do both at once, I think, can make things more challenging. I think there's a maturation process that happens when you're on your own, paying your own way, that can't happen when living with your parents. I think living on your own is a valuable experience to have, and I'll encourage my kids to do so before marrying.

 

 

:iagree: 100%.

 

FWIW, my husband lived with his parents until we got married. He was running the farm with his father. It was a matter of business and convenience for all of them. Luckily for me, his momma trained him well, and he was perfectly capable of managing on his own and with me (although, it is debateable that living with me is manageable ;)).

[Mejane]

 

That's why the other thread was started. As a sort of "Oh my! what is this couple going to DO when they get back from their trip and don't have dishes to eat off of!?"

 

Exactly. More concern than criticism.

 

I think living with parents is fine. I would not appreciate my kids living here, though, and not planning and working to move into independence as soon as was feasible.

[sewingmama]

I lived at home till I got married at 26 - my DH didn't.

 

I am the one who can budget and save money - my DH is useless at it.

 

Being able to figure out finances is more about the way you were raised then whether you lived independently or not.

 

My mum was a single mum and I saw how she watched every penny and budgeted like crazy. I in turn learned not to live outside my means and to make sure I had enough money to cover all costs before I spent for pleasure. Having little money meant I was used to delaying gratification and had no problem waiting to buy things until I had saved the cash. My mum was in no position to help me out with school costs, cars etc so once I got my first job all thoses things were my own responsibility.

 

My DH on the other hand grew up in an affluent family. If he ran out of money he just asked his parents for more which they gave him. He has always overspent with the thought in the back of his head that he will recieve help from his parents when he overextends himself or when he recieves an inheritance. He has never learnt to wait for something till he saves the cash -he buys whatever he wants on credit. He never learnt to live without things and always wants instant gratification. He can't distinguish needs from wants.

 

Our finances are really dire because of my DH's spending habits and inability to budget. We've been married 10 years and I have yet to break him of this habit.

 

So no -I don't think living at home vs living indpendently has much reflection on financial responsibilty.

[snickelfritz]

'm amazed at the 18/19 year olds that figure out a way to get married. At that point I was pretty broke. I couldn't get jobs that paid much more than minimum wage and minimum wage won't pay for a rent around where I lived (in CT). So I often wonder how people do it!

 

I married at 19, as a sophomore in college. My parents continued to help until I graduated. They didn't support me, since I was on a full scholarship. They eased the strain, though. They might pay my truck insurance or buy me some jeans. School, room, and board were covered by scholarships, grants, and part-time jobs.

 

Financially, it was a good move. As independents, dh qualified for grants. Before that, FAFSA used his parents income to calculate aid....even though they didn't help for his college.

 

It worked for us. We both graduated, are completely independent of our parents (have been since graduation), and have been married 15 years.

Edited May 3, 2011 by snickelfritz

[catz]

I don't think its *terrible*. I do think that there is a learning curve when it comes to living on your own, learning to budget, etc. Same with being married.

 

To do both at once, I think, can make things more challenging. I think there's a maturation process that happens when you're on your own, paying your own way, that can't happen when living with your parents. I think living on your own is a valuable experience to have, and I'll encourage my kids to do so before marrying.

This.

 

I have no problem if people do this. It's none of my business. It's just not the path I envision for my own kids. My husband and I got married at 29 and 37 and can see real advantages to waiting and being out on your own for a while.

[mcconnellboys]

I thought the point in that instance was that they didn't have jobs that provided the means for them to be able to move out or purchase anything that they'd need for their own apartment, etc....

 

I'm all for my own children living at home (I think, LOL) and saving money to help them prepare for their own homes. I'm not eager to have kids who just live off me indefinitely, however, never earning enough or saving enough to make their own lives (or contributing to the household here, etc.)....

[kalanamak]

I had a friend who lived at home until he got married at about 27 yo. He had saved up a lot of money and was in a great financial position to begin marriage. He was mature and independent, and he knew how to budget and manage his money. He and his parents get along well and they treated him as an adult, so it worked out great.

 

In the person I know, he and parents got on fine, but he'd never lived with anyone outside of his quirky parents and was really NOT prepared to deal with a different human being. After 3 years, he moved back in with parents, sans wife.

 

I think he and wife were well matched, in goals, outlook, philosophy, etc. In some way, they were perhaps too close. He thought he was getting someone just like mum. But she wasn't just like enough.

[Crimson Wife]

I'm amazed at the 18/19 year olds that figure out a way to get married. At that point I was pretty broke. I couldn't get jobs that paid much more than minimum wage and minimum wage won't pay for a rent around where I lived (in CT). So I often wonder how people do it!

 

Most of the folks we knew who got married young were military families where housing or a housing allowance was provided. DH and I got married 2 weeks after I graduated college (I was a month shy of 22) and there's no way we could've done it otherwise. OTOH, if he hadn't been entering active duty military service, we would've presumably stuck to our original plan of waiting a couple years after graduation to marry.

[snickelfritz]

Having a child or marrying someone (unless they had a steady job themselves) would have been a very bad move on my part.

 

Even though we married young, we waited longer than average to have children (7 years). So, we had all the benefits of sharing rent and costs between two people..... With no financial drawbacks.

 

Finances aside, I liked being married in college. We were both in time-consuming majors, so we understood lots of study time. That's how we spent time together. And I liked having all those years with just the two of us.

[Stacy in NJ]

person of the valuable experience of living independently with adult responsibilites. Learning to pay bills, maintain a home, manage time and resources is a real life lesson worth experiencing. This is not to say that a married couple can't learn these things together, but they will come to the marriage better prepared if they've already had this experience, imo.

 

I noticed several posts on the "What do You Think of This" thread that criticize the fact that a young couple who are planning to get married are still living at home with parents. Why is this so bad? Dh and I lived at home until we got married, so did my parents. And so did all but one of my siblings. Living at home with parents before marriage doesn't mean you will be living with them after the wedding.

 

Susan in TX

[Veritaserum]

It doesn't strike me as a good arrangement. Maybe I'm just jaded by my negative experiences with dh's mooching family. (His parents lived with us for three years. His brother, brother's wife, and brother's baby lived with us for a year of that time as well.) I see value in young adults learning how to stand on their own two feet.

 

Dh lived at home until he was 19 (finished his AS degree). I lived at home until I was 17. We met our first week at a university in another state. He was a transfer student and I was a freshman. We got married two years later. We had a modest apartment and not a lot else, but we made do.

 

Honestly, I don't want my kids to live at home past 18/19. The dysfunction and lack of independence in dh's family is not something I want for my kids. Dh feels the same way.

[Murphy101]

person of the valuable experience of living independently with adult responsibilites. Learning to pay bills, maintain a home, manage time and resources is a real life lesson worth experiencing. This is not to say that a married couple can't learn these things together, but they will come to the marriage better prepared if they've already had this experience, imo.

 

Not really. :confused: I have no idea why anyone believes this. I suppose there are some situations where living at home means mommy and daddy do everything and pay for everything while their kids sit on their duff growing mold.

 

But I think it is flat out ridiculous that ANYONE doesn't learn to pay bills, manage time and resources, or live independently until they move out - that's nuts whether they move at 18 or 28.

 

Nothing magical happens when they move out that suddenly imparts knowledge of how to balance a bank account, make a budget, set an alarm clock or anything else.:confused:

 

To me and in our house, one has nothing to do with the other.

[cathmom]

Both my dh and I lived at home until we got married at age 23. We both attended college while living at home. I have often thought that it was a drawback to live alone before marriage, because, as a PP said, you get used to having everything exactly how you want it, and then here is this other person messing up your system! It was hard enough to adjust to living with dh! But the shopping, paying bills, etc, was no problem.

 

I never, ever want to live alone, and I'm an introvert! I just think it would be so lonely and boring. Fortunately, with a dh and 7 dc, I probably won't have to.

[Impish]

Not really. :confused: I have no idea why anyone believes this. I suppose there are some situations where living at home means mommy and daddy do everything and pay for everything while their kids sit on their duff growing mold.

 

But I think it is flat out ridiculous that ANYONE doesn't learn to pay bills, manage time and resources, or live independently until they move out - that's nuts whether they move at 18 or 28.

 

Nothing magical happens when they move out that suddenly imparts knowledge of how to balance a bank account, make a budget, set an alarm clock or anything else.:confused:

 

To me and in our house, one has nothing to do with the other.

I only know what I've witnessed. My youngest bro, for example. He lived at home until he married, then he and his wife moved in with my parents a few months later.

 

He had the attitude that the minimal rent they paid was optional. Holding down a job just wasn't that important, b/c it was mom and dad, not a landlord.

 

My parents intention was for them to save for a house, which they did...but it also gave him a sense of irresponsibility, he wasn't held accountable in the same way...my parents didn't evict him, for example. A landlord would have.

 

Wolf works with a cpl of young men that live at home. One openly admits that he has no intention of moving, "Why would I?", says he has no ambition, etc. He pays no rent, no food, nada. I think those situations do far more harm than good.

[OnTheBrink]

I think it depends on HOW the adult child lives at home. If they're living as if they're 16 and the parents can't get junior to grow up then a shove into the cold hard world can work wonders. But, if the adult child is a contributing member of the family and is productive in society, then there's no need to move, especially if they're in school full time or saving to buy a home.

[Murphy101]

I only know what I've witnessed. My youngest bro, for example. He lived at home until he married, then he and his wife moved in with my parents a few months later.

 

He had the attitude that the minimal rent they paid was optional. Holding down a job just wasn't that important, b/c it was mom and dad, not a landlord.

 

My parents intention was for them to save for a house, which they did...but it also gave him a sense of irresponsibility, he wasn't held accountable in the same way...my parents didn't evict him, for example. A landlord would have.

 

Wolf works with a cpl of young men that live at home. One openly admits that he has no intention of moving, "Why would I?", says he has no ambition, etc. He pays no rent, no food, nada. I think those situations do far more harm than good.

 

 

Ambition has to do with where or who you live with?:confused: Why would the guy waste money by moving out if he doesn't need to? That isn't ambition. It's pointless debt. Maybe he is a complete mooch. Idk. Maybe he is very helpful to his mother doing things around the house that she would otherwise have to pay a service for. (mowing the yard, car care, whatever)

 

Again. I think people are seeing X behavior and presuming it is directly related to cause A.

 

Truth is there are literally millions of people that moved out when they were 18 in this country and don't do one danged bit better, yet no one blames it on moving out at 18.

 

Some people are just financial and home management ignoramouses and some people are just lazy moochers.

I'd bet whether they leave home at 18 or 28 wouldn't change that.

 

If all it took was moving out at 18-21 to create fiscally and emotionally responsible adults ready for marriage, I'd wager this country would be a whole lot better circumstances in those areas than it actually is.

[Murphy101]

I think it depends on HOW the adult child lives at home. If they're living as if they're 16 and the parents can't get junior to grow up then a shove into the cold hard world can work wonders. But, if the adult child is a contributing member of the family and is productive in society, then there's no need to move, especially if they're in school full time or saving to buy a home.

 

:iagree:

 

I already said it:

 

If they are acting like decent folk - why it let them stay?

If they aren't acting like decent folk - I might not let them make it to 18 before showing them the door!

[Impish]

Ambition has to do with where or who you live with?:confused: Why would the guy waste money by moving out if he doesn't need to? That isn't ambition. It's pointless debt. Maybe he is a complete mooch. Idk. Maybe he is very helpful to his mother doing things around the house that she would otherwise have to pay a service for. (mowing the yard, car care, whatever)

 

Again. I think people are seeing X behavior and presuming it is directly related to cause A.

 

Truth is there are literally millions of people that moved out when they were 18 in this country and don't do one danged bit better, yet no one blames it on moving out at 18.

 

Some people are just financial and home management ignoramouses and some people are just lazy moochers.

I'd bet whether they leave home at 18 or 28 wouldn't change that.

 

If all it took was moving out at 18-21 to create fiscally and emotionally responsible adults ready for marriage, I'd wager this country would be a whole lot better circumstances in those areas than it actually is.

He says he had no ambition. Direct quote. Mom does all laundry, cooking, etc. He's really living as a child, but with a full time job and money to burn. I say this b/c that's how he explains it, laughs about it.

[ocelotmom]

That's why the other thread was started. As a sort of "Oh my! what is this couple going to DO when they get back from their trip and don't have dishes to eat off of!?"

:iagree:

Because people are, in general, marrying later these days, and often have two established households full of pots and pans and towels and so forth by the time they marry, some would prefer less traditional wedding gifts.

 

The engaged couple in question seems to have noticed this trend, but not understood that most couples choosing that route already have the basics, and that in their situation (low income, living at home and presumably using their parents' pots and pans), it may not be a particularly practical choice.

 

On the other hand, maybe they already own all the necessaries, and are simply waiting to move out until after the marriage, rather than living together before marriage or finding two separate places to rent short-term. From that point of view, living with their parents is a perfectly reasonable and responsible option.

[6packofun]

Did he pay them rent and pay for his own food? Because I'd not really consider them treating him fully as an adult--or him acting as one--unless he did. To me, living rent-free with mom and dad until almost 30 so that you can save a lot of money *isn't* responsible.

[Murphy101]

He says he had no ambition. Direct quote. Mom does all laundry, cooking, etc. He's really living as a child, but with a full time job and money to burn. I say this b/c that's how he explains it, laughs about it.

 

LOL. I bet he would live the same even if he moved out. I know a man who moved out at 16 and somehow managed to get an idiot ex-wife who still does his laundry. He hasn't lived with her in over a decade! These people always manage to find a way to use people.

 

Then there is my friend's mom who comes to her house once a week to clean it. She has lived on her own for 15 years, holds down a job, pays the bills, is graduating her oldest of two kids. Her mom just likes to help out tho I'm sure friend is capable of cleaning her own house.

[mytwomonkeys]

Not really. :confused: I have no idea why anyone believes this. I suppose there are some situations where living at home means mommy and daddy do everything and pay for everything while their kids sit on their duff growing mold.

 

But I think it is flat out ridiculous that ANYONE doesn't learn to pay bills, manage time and resources, or live independently until they move out - that's nuts whether they move at 18 or 28.

 

Nothing magical happens when they move out that suddenly imparts knowledge of how to balance a bank account, make a budget, set an alarm clock or anything else.:confused:

 

To me and in our house, one has nothing to do with the other.

 

i agree. i am, of course, basing it on my own experience - but i lived out on my own for 4 years (from 18-22) and i was incredibly irresponsible & literally learned nothing. i was just immature still i suppose. i moved home with my parents & finished college and actually "grew up" under their roof. i worked while putting myself through school & my parents allowed me to live there rent-free, assuming my scholarship was still in place and grades were good. my husband moved out when he was 17 & never moved back home. when we got married (i was 28) i was definitely the more responsible one & to this day, i oversee our budget and finances (very well too, i might add:)). i am almost 40 now, and i have no hang-up issues with being co-dependent on my folks for a thing. my husband has changed too over the years, and he is very responsible now. it was a learning curve that took place in our marriage though, not from him living alone.

[chiguirre]

This is very normal in Colombia. My dh does not understand why people move out before they are married. However, their culture is a bit different than ours and children and parents seem to be able to get along better. There is no huge push for independence of children (like here in the US)since family support is a given? (not the best word choice) His best friend did not move out until he got married at age 38, I believe.

 

I plan on raising my children like this. I do not want my children dreaming of the day that they can finally be on their own and do what they want, as I did when I was a teenager. My parents and I got along much better after I had been out of the house for several years. Looking back, I think that this is very sad.

 

It's very similar in Venezuela. However, it's important to note that adult children are expected to take over some of the bills and housework. You're also expected to help your parents out even when you do eventually move out. Dbil still has lunch at my il's house almost every day. This isn't to mooch, it's very much expected that he do this. He has to help out if they need to fix something, get paperwork, have someone keep an eye on the house if they're away. And, of course, you're expected to take in your elderly parents if they're too old or infirm (or, if you're unlucky, suffering from dementia). It's a two way street and necessary to survive in countries where it's very difficult to get a mortgage, but it's definitely not a free lunch for the adult children.

 

I think I'll encourage my dd to move out for at least some of her college years. I loved my college experience and I'd like her to have that too. I'm really hoping that ds2 will be able to live on his own and that I'll find a sheltered living opportunity for ds1. I don't want them to be cast adrift when dh and I die.

[Leonana]

I lived at home till I got married at 26 - my DH didn't.

 

I am the one who can budget and save money - my DH is useless at it.

 

Being able to figure out finances is more about the way you were raised then whether you lived independently or not.

 

My mum was a single mum and I saw how she watched every penny and budgeted like crazy. I in turn learned not to live outside my means and to make sure I had enough money to cover all costs before I spent for pleasure. Having little money meant I was used to delaying gratification and had no problem waiting to buy things until I had saved the cash. My mum was in no position to help me out with school costs, cars etc so once I got my first job all thoses things were my own responsibility.

 

My DH on the other hand grew up in an affluent family. If he ran out of money he just asked his parents for more which they gave him. He has always overspent with the thought in the back of his head that he will recieve help from his parents when he overextends himself or when he recieves an inheritance. He has never learnt to wait for something till he saves the cash -he buys whatever he wants on credit. He never learnt to live without things and always wants instant gratification. He can't distinguish needs from wants.

 

Our finances are really dire because of my DH's spending habits and inability to budget. We've been married 10 years and I have yet to break him of this habit.

 

So no -I don't think living at home vs living indpendently has much reflection on financial responsibilty.

 

I am in a similar situation. My dh lived on his own for 17 years before we married, yet he got us into debt over and over again. It's almost like an addiction. Although, his family was not rich. My dh's spending is on get rich quick schemes, so I think it has more to do with self-image.

 

Anyway, in our case there is finally light at the end of the tunnel. With the slowdown in the economy, our credit is really bad. He can't get any more credit, and he sees that there are no more bailouts, since we've exhausted all of them. For the first time in our 11 year marriage, I really see change in his attitude towards money. Of course, we have little money for retirement and dd's education, but at least I can sleep at nights.

 

So you never know, there is hope!

 

If all it took was moving out at 18-21 to create fiscally and emotionally responsible adults ready for marriage, I'd wager this country would be a whole lot better circumstances in those areas than it actually is.

 

So true!

[Mejane]

The toughest time in my life was when I worked two jobs while attending college and lived on my own. The ends weren't even close to meeting, iykwim. ;) I did it though, and there's very little else in my life that I'm prouder of or more grateful for than that experience.

[Danestress]

I don't have a problem with people living at home before marriage, particularly if they are using that privilege as a way to save money, work a job that is low paying but rewarding in other ways, or to get a college education.

 

I do have a bias that a woman should think twice before marrying a 19 year old teenager who is not able to support her, who works in a soul killing job (like Walmart) and who has saved nothing during the time he has worked there and lived at home. It seems like a poor prospect to me. Part of me just doesn't think 19 year old boys should be getting married at all - or darn few of them. Again, personal bias. I wouldn't be announcing this to the happy couple. I would buy a gift like I would under any other circumstances and I would smile at the wedding and wish them well.

 

I think linking a wedding registry to facebook is exceptionally tacky, so that is probably part of my bias too. Just Ick. I wouldn't care if it was a registry for all pots and pans. I still think it is poor taste.

[twoxcell]

I got married when I was 18.5 and I still lived at home. My dh had been living with room mates for a few years, because he was 26. He bought a house, and it closed about 2 weeks before our wedding, so I moved right in with him after our wedding.

[LizzyBee]

Did he pay them rent and pay for his own food? Because I'd not really consider them treating him fully as an adult--or him acting as one--unless he did. To me, living rent-free with mom and dad until almost 30 so that you can save a lot of money *isn't* responsible.

 

It is my understanding that he did pay rent. But even if he didn't, if they all agreed on the arrangement, how is it not responsible? :confused: It's not like he was out blowing all his money on drugs or gambling just because his COL was low. I have known of parents who charged their adult children rent, but banked it and gave it to them as a wedding gift so the new couple would have a downpayment on a home. I think someone who does that on their own rather than having his parents do it for him is pretty darn responsible. Most of us, whether we lived at home or on our own before marriage, tend to spend too much and save too little. :tongue_smilie:

[*********]

I think it depends on HOW the adult child lives at home. If they're living as if they're 16 and the parents can't get junior to grow up then a shove into the cold hard world can work wonders. But, if the adult child is a contributing member of the family and is productive in society, then there's no need to move, especially if they're in school full time or saving to buy a home.

 

This is what I was thinking as well.

 

I want my boys to stay home until the Lord tells them to leave. If that's because they get married, or because they need to move for a job, or go be a missionary somewhere, or whatever, that's fine. But their home is with us so long as they love the Lord and we all feel he wants them here (once they're adults, of course).

[I.Dup.]

My husband and I got married very young, I was 19 and he was 20 and (I was 5 months pregnant). He had already been in the Marines for 2 years and was fully self-sufficient. I am SO thankful for his time in the military. He had to completely take care of himself, his own laundry, he learned to CLEAN really well (although he never uses those skills anymore..hmmmm) I can't imagine how we would have been successful if he was still living at home, unless he had a job lined up and a major plan.

 

Getting out of the Marines 3 years later was REALLY difficult on us. They really helped facilitate our lives, sure it sucked a lot of the time, but the real world was much harsher. We're finally now established and he just turned 30.

[Murphy101]

I don't have a problem with people living at home before marriage, particularly if they are using that privilege as a way to save money, work a job that is low paying but rewarding in other ways, or to get a college education.

 

I do have a bias that a woman should think twice before marrying a 19 year old teenager who is not able to support her, who works in a soul killing job (like Walmart) and who has saved nothing during the time he has worked there and lived at home. It seems like a poor prospect to me. Part of me just doesn't think 19 year old boys should be getting married at all - or darn few of them.

 

Hmm. Do you have the same bias towards a girl in that situation? I would consider her a poor prospect for my son.

[Garga]

I'll be married 19 years in June, but I'm thinking back to when I got married.

 

I was 19 years old.

He was 24.

 

I had no college (and still don't.)

He had a BA in ancient history and education.

 

I worked at a government job making $17,000 a year.

He made $16,000 a year at Toys R Us.

 

Neither of us lived on our own.

 

DH still lived at home, but as an equal adult to his parents--he was responsible and did his own laundry, paid for his own personal bills, paid rent, cooked meals, etc.

 

I still lived at home, but mostly as a child. I had a car payment and car insurance and no other bills to pay.

 

The day we got married, we started living in our apartment. (We moved our stuff in a couple of days before the wedding, but didn't live together until after the wedding.) Rent was $450 a month.

 

Sloooowly, over the 19 years of marriage, we earned more and more money. When I quit to have kids (9 years ago), I was making $35k. DH currently makes $65k, and has since earned his master's degree.

 

Mortgage is now $900/mos.

 

We've never had debt other than mortgage and, at times, car payments.

 

I don't think you need to live on your own before getting married, as my dh and I did and when we got married we were both making squat.

 

We went without if we didn't have the money. We always had enough for our bills, food, and clothing. But when we were first married we could only go to McDonalds or Taco Bell, because Wendy's was "too expensive." (No dollar menu.)

 

We didn't need much to get started. Everything we needed, we either received as wedding presents, or as used gifts from our parents; like whatever furniture was in our bedrooms at home (bed, end table, bookcase, wardrobe.)

 

We had no coffee table or couch for a long time. (We just sat on the floor to play the nintendo we bought for ourselves :D, or on a kitchen chair.) The tv that the nintendo was hooked up to, was a 24 in. screen. We had to buy a little $60 table and chair set to eat on.