Need help gaining some perspective regarding my MIL...

[clarkacademy]

If it were me I would demand that the boys be a package deal. There is no way in the world I would let her take two of your children and leave one out. She is horrible for suggesting it and I would tell her so.

 

 

:iagree:

[JudoMom]

Your MIL is behaving horribly, and I wouldn't allow any of my kids to go on the trip. :grouphug: to your boy.

[Trish]

Sorry, this would be an "all or none" for me. The only way it wouldn't be is if the 12-year-old had no desire to attend.

[Trish]

When dh asked him if he would mind staying home this year ds12 stared blankly for a moment, his eyes teared just a bit, and then he jammed his hands in his pockets and shrugged his shoulders. Dh asked again and ds said that it would not bother him. After dh left the room I told ds that if he would be bothered to stay home it was okay to say so. He said, "It's okay. It doesn't matter." I could tell that his feelings were hurt. A few minutes later ds12 sort of blew up on ds5 over nothing at all.

 

 

 

Sigh. I just read this part. I know this is "great practice getting hurt," and a "wonderful introduction to the bumps and bruises life throws at us," but does it HAVE to be introduced by mom, dad and grandma? Sheesh!!!!! I would've gone well out of my way to avoid him even knowing that she wanted to exclude him, for BOTH of their sakes.

 

E. Gads.

 

Sorry, I know everyone has a different family dynamic. Maybe this is a an example of "building up your social immune system" -- maybe the cold splash of reality IS good for everyone in the long run. I just personally am not buying it. Life throws enough rejection at us already without family adding to it.

 

:glare:

[Emerkaza]

I respect your decision, but none of mine would be going. I would not hurt my own child's feelings to spare those of an adult for the sake of family peace. Nope. Not happening here.

:iagree: I would not have allowed the other two boys to go with her.

[Mejane]

Totally OT, but that is quite an avatar you've got there, Emerkaza. Me likey. :)

[JudoMom]

Totally OT, but that is quite an avatar you've got there, Emerkaza. Me likey. :)

 

:lol:

[Pretty in Pink]

I would've gone well out of my way to avoid him even knowing that she wanted to exclude him, for BOTH of their sakes.

 

Ds12 was gone camping over the weekend and happened to walk in the door just before she called this afternoon, so she was literally on the line when I asked ds12 if he would like to go. I did not realize at that time that he was not included in the invitation; otherwise, dh and I would have made a decision or discussed it further with her before asking ds12 if he wanted to go. Instead, I asked, he said yes, dh relayed over the phone that sure, all the boys wanted to go, and then she let him know that ds12 was not invited.

 

I do appreciate all of the replies. Truly.

 

I feel really badly right now. Dh thinks that it is too late to change our minds because she already purchased the plane tickets. At this point he thinks it would be rude of us to withdraw our permission. Maybe it would be. I don't know. Even if she would agree to take ds12, he no longer wants to go, and I can't say that I blame him. And if we just tell her that none of them can go then we have to explain to ds7 and ds5 why we changed our minds.

 

Really, it's my decision. My dh will not take the fall on this one. If someone calls to say that we changed our minds it will be me.

 

What if I called her tomorrow and said, "Ds12's feelings are hurt because you excluded him from this year's trip. Do you think that you could think of a way to make this up to him?" Is that too pushy? I expect that this would result in her calling dh to inform him of my behavior and that, if she did anything at all to make amends with ds12, it would be prefaced by the statement, "Your mother said that I hurt your feelings, so..."

 

Ds12 does seem happy at the prospect of camping with Dad, and with having us mostly to himself for the time during which the boys would be away, but I don't want to fool myself into beliving that just because it's easier. I don't want him to resent me for not sticking up for him.

Edited May 2, 2011 by Pretty in Pink

[lollie010]

Wow--I am so sorry that your family is going through this. It does sound like you are in a difficult place with the way things have gone up to this point. I really wouldn't care about being "rude" at this point. But, what I would probably do is move forward. The little ones are already set to go and it would be hard on everyone trying to make changes now. I would let them go and make it a very special time for ds at home. At the end of the trip when all are safely back under your wings and everyone has had a good time, I would let her know that there will be no more trips. I would not let any of them go again at that point, unless and until she realizes the effect that this has had on your 12 yo and she makes an effort to repair the relationship without any stings attached. Sounds like an excrutiatingly tough situation.

 

Ds12 was gone camping over the weekend and happened to walk in the door just before she called this afternoon, so she was literally on the line when I asked ds12 if he would like to go. I did not realize at that time that he was not included in the invitation; otherwise, dh and I would have made a decision or discussed it further with her before asking ds12 if he wanted to go. Instead, I asked, he said yes, dh relayed over the phone that sure, all the boys wanted to go, and then she let him know that ds12 was not invited.

 

I do appreciate all of the replies. Truly.

 

I feel really badly right now. Dh thinks that it is too late to change our minds because she already purchased the plane tickets. At this point he thinks it would be rude of us to withdraw our permission. Maybe it would be. I don't know. Even if she would agree to take ds12, he no longer wants to go, and I can't say that I blame him. And if we just tell her that none of them can go then we have to explain to ds7 and ds5 why we changed our minds.

 

Really, it's my decision. My dh will not take the fall on this one. If someone calls to say that we changed our minds it will be me.

 

What if I called her tomorrow and said, "Ds12's feelings are hurt because you excluded him from this year's trip. Do you think that you could think of a way to make this up to him?" Is that too pushy? I expect that this would result in her calling dh to inform him of my behavior and that, if she did anything at all to make amends with ds12, it would be prefaced by the statement, "Your mother said that I hurt your feelings, so..."

 

Ds12 does seem happy at the prospect of camping with Dad, and with having us mostly to himself for the time during which the boys would be away, but I don't want to fool myself into beliving that just because it's easier. I don't want him to resent me for not sticking up for him.

[AuntieM]

Pink, I just have to ask this.... Please, please, please do not think I am questioning your judgment, I just ask because I know that this is something I could not have agreed to personally.... Are you truly comfortable with a 74 year old woman taking charge of two boys age 4 and 6 for that long a time, including travel through an airport? Admittedly, I am a bit of a control freak, but that scenario gives me pause, especially with the more rigorous standards for airport screening these days. The only way I'd consider it were if there were another older chaperone along. Say, my responsible 12 year old son.

 

Don't be afraid to be the Mama Bear. Your MIL can add another ticket. It's not like you're asking her to throw one away. Push come to shove, I'd offer to reimburse the cost of ds12's airfare.

 

My MIL hate hate hates being told what she cannot do with my kids. I am the only parent of the grandkids who will stand up to her. So, yeah, that makes me a bully. But it doesn't matter to me that I'm thought rude for calling her on foolish, often irresponsible behavior, as well as some not so foolish but still true things (like trying to still do things that she is absolutely no longer physically able to do safely). Her being in denial and getting huffy does not negate my parental responsibility to guard the well being of my children. I kind of see your situation in the same light. DS2 may not need to go to make things "fair," but in my eyes he'd need to go to help take care of little brothers.

 

JMO, of course, but that's the way I see it.

 

 

 

 

Ds12 was gone camping over the weekend and happened to walk in the door just before she called this afternoon, so she was literally on the line when I asked ds12 if he would like to go. I did not realize at that time that he was not included in the invitation; otherwise, dh and I would have made a decision or discussed it further with her before asking ds12 if he wanted to go. Instead, I asked, he said yes, dh relayed over the phone that sure, all the boys wanted to go, and then she let him know that ds12 was not invited.

 

I do appreciate all of the replies. Truly.

 

I feel really badly right now. Dh thinks that it is too late to change our minds because she already purchased the plane tickets. At this point he thinks it would be rude of us to withdraw our permission. Maybe it would be. I don't know. Even if she would agree to take ds12, he no longer wants to go, and I can't say that I blame him. And if we just tell her that none of them can go then we have to explain to ds7 and ds5 why we changed our minds.

 

Really, it's my decision. My dh will not take the fall on this one. If someone calls to say that we changed our minds it will be me.

 

What if I called her tomorrow and said, "Ds12's feelings are hurt because you excluded him from this year's trip. Do you think that you could think of a way to make this up to him?" Is that too pushy? I expect that this would result in her calling dh to inform him of my behavior and that, if she did anything at all to make amends with ds12, it would be prefaced by the statement, "Your mother said that I hurt your feelings, so..."

 

Ds12 does seem happy at the prospect of camping with Dad, and with having us mostly to himself for the time during which the boys would be away, but I don't want to fool myself into beliving that just because it's easier. I don't want him to resent me for not sticking up for him.

[2cents]

I feel so sad for your 12 yr old. Teen years are hard enough without having to deal with grandmothers like his. Being excluded like that has got to hurt a lot. :(

 

Honestly, I would cancel the visit and reimburse MIL for any $$ for tickets. It is all or nothing in our house and nobody plays favorites. MIL can handle the rejection better than a 12 yr old. ;)

[OrganicAnn]

I wouldn't let a 74 year old grandma have two active 5 and 7 years olds for 3 weeks anyway. If she lives that far away from you that it requires air travel, are you sure she is capable? Have you seen her take care of them for an extended period of time? Have you been around her enough to judge this aspect lately? So I would say no on those grounds alone.

 

Has she ever had all 3 before? Is it the number 3 she can't do? Then I would say it has to be the 12 year old and the 7 year old. That she can't pick and choose, but that you can.

 

I realize you already decided. This is just what I would do if it came up in our family.

 

We've had some family members that went from capable of taking care of kids to not being capable over a surprisingly short time (month). So that is why it would worry me.

Edited May 2, 2011 by OrganicAnn

[katilac]

Pink, I just have to ask this.... Please, please, please do not think I am questioning your judgment, I just ask because I know that this is something I could not have agreed to personally.... Are you truly comfortable with a 74 year old woman taking charge of two boys age 4 and 6 for that long a time, including travel through an airport? Admittedly, I am a bit of a control freak, but that scenario gives me pause, especially with the more rigorous standards for airport screening these days. The only way I'd consider it were if there were another older chaperone along. Say, my responsible 12 year old son.

 

the internets ate my post saying pretty much this same thing (altho' I think the boys are 5 & 7), ESPECIALLY because she said that three kids intead of two would be 'overwhelming.'

 

My kids are 10 & 12, both well-behaved. My mom is a healthy, active 72. She rode Aerosmith's Rock and Roller Coaster when she came to Disney with us, went on a zip line through the forest with my brother, and is planning to parasail this summer. But she readily admitted that she was exhausted after taking the kids up to our camp for three days before we arrived. Again, these are pretty self-sufficient kids, and my dad was there also. Kids take a lot of energy.

 

I read your post about how it came about (with the phone call, etc), and I think it's very important for your son to know that. Don't pussyfoot around it, just tell him like it is: Son, I'm so sorry it worked out this way. It should have been handled differently, but we were taken by surprise. It stinks that you were disappointed, and I'm so sorry.

 

I think he needs to hear this no matter what the final decision.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ds12 shows that he already knows about stuffing his emotions. I don't think that you can "make right" the hurt of rejection (which this is really about imo) with a camping trip. You can make right a trip that's been rained out, or ruined by the flu etc. by promising a special trip later. But rejection? From Grandma? I don't think so.

 

Grandma is the one who changed the rules on the trip. If she did so without checking with you first, esp. when it sounds like this kind of trip is up to the kids since their opinion was solicited, then she should bear the consequence of changing tickets or not getting money refunded.

[Supertechmom]

Pink, I just have to ask this.... Please, please, please do not think I am questioning your judgment, I just ask because I know that this is something I could not have agreed to personally.... Are you truly comfortable with a 74 year old woman taking charge of two boys age 4 and 6 for that long a time, including travel through an airport? Admittedly, I am a bit of a control freak, but that scenario gives me pause, especially with the more rigorous standards for airport screening these days. The only way I'd consider it were if there were another older chaperone along. Say, my responsible 12 year old son.

 

Don't be afraid to be the Mama Bear. Your MIL can add another ticket. It's not like you're asking her to throw one away. Push come to shove, I'd offer to reimburse the cost of ds12's airfare.

 

My MIL hate hate hates being told what she cannot do with my kids. I am the only parent of the grandkids who will stand up to her. So, yeah, that makes me a bully. But it doesn't matter to me that I'm thought rude for calling her on foolish, often irresponsible behavior, as well as some not so foolish but still true things (like trying to still do things that she is absolutely no longer physically able to do safely). Her being in denial and getting huffy does not negate my parental responsibility to guard the well being of my children. I kind of see your situation in the same light. DS2 may not need to go to make things "fair," but in my eyes he'd need to go to help take care of little brothers.

 

JMO, of course, but that's the way I see it.

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

I would have no problem calling her back and letting her know that I am totally uncomfortable with someone that old watching kids that young without a lot of supervision and helpers. I have parents now younger than that in decent health and pretty fit. And they could not handle my kids that age for an afternoon much less several days and no way a few weeks. Sorry but I would tell her no. She can figure out a new way to interact with them but weeks unsupervised are out. All of our parents are younger than that and none are allowed any time alone other than in my home because of the age. They can't keep up. I would be worried sick.

[TravelingChris]

I agree with the posters who don't think Grandma is up to handling two young boys for 3 weeks.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that it varies. 74 is not necessarily that old.

 

I agree with the PP who said that she thought you should explain the situation better to your 12yo. But I think you're sort of stuck with the plans at this point.

 

I would never EVER let this happen again, though. It's terrible.

 

And, frankly, I'd be inclined to announce that this is the year that you're joining the family reunion yourself, and bring the 12yo. After all, the more the merrier, right? That way you can keep an eye on the littles to some extent as well. Just a thought.

[arghmatey]

I don't think you should ask her to make it up to him.

 

I think your husband should call her and say, "We made a mistake by answering you so quickly. None of the children can go. We will not allow 12YO to be excluded. We will pay for any money you lose in canceling the plane tickets."

 

At some point in the near future, he also needs to be direct with her about treating your son as equal to the others and about not treating him as inferior or giving any appearance of such.

 

Further, the practice of announcing step-family last at the reunions is rude, exclusionary, and idiotic. Is this really permissible to anyone?

[eternalknot]

I think that it varies. 74 is not necessarily that old.

 

Man, I totally agree. My grandmother is 89 and is the daytime caregiver for five of my nephews and nieces, who range in age from 18 months to 9 years old. She drives them to school, extracurriculars, and even still straps the little ones to her back so she can get cleaning and cooking done. Three of the kids are home with her all day long, as they're not yet school-aged. I mean, I know not everyone's as in good shape physically and mentally as she is but in her area she's not uncommon ~ lots of people 70+ are regular, active participants in the lives of their grandchildren and great-grandchildren in our community and culture.

 

I think it's one thing to say the MIL is being insensitive and mean about excluding the 12 year old, but it's another thing entirely to say she's not to be trusted with the care of two younger (but not really young) kids just because she's older. I doubt the OP would agree to send her kids off with the old coot if she didn't think the lady could handle the two kids in question, and I'm sure she (the OP) is already feeling badly about the situation as it pertains to her eldest child.

[Garga]

I read your post about how it came about (with the phone call, etc), and I think it's very important for your son to know that. Don't pussyfoot around it, just tell him like it is: Son, I'm so sorry it worked out this way. It should have been handled differently, but we were taken by surprise. It stinks that you were disappointed, and I'm so sorry.

 

I think he needs to hear this no matter what the final decision.

 

I completely agree. The 12yo might have squished down his hurt, but it's still in there buried. He might be able to look on the camping trip with anticipation, but he'll still remember the way g'ma didn't want him. You need to address it even if he blows it off.

 

I don't think you should ask her to make it up to him.

 

I think your husband should call her and say, "We made a mistake by answering you so quickly. None of the children can go. We will not allow 12YO to be excluded. We will pay for any money you lose in canceling the plane tickets."

 

I agree with the above, but I also think you should tell g'ma that when you told ds12 he wasn't invited, he cried. She should feel the pain of regret for hurting a child. She needs to know that she deeply wounded him. Whether or not she apologizes properly doesn't really matter. She needs to feel a healthy bit of guilt.

[mcconnellboys]

I think it absolutely sounds like she doesn't want to take him because he is a "step" grandchild. How sad not to be able to love others.... I have to say that I think my own mom would be just like this if she had any step grandchildren, but hey, she doesn't even do things with her own real grandchildren, either....

[bzymom]

Each of us is different, and our family dynamics are different, so I do understand that. Perhaps you can put this right back at your MIL's door.

 

For instance, calling up MIL and simply saying "You may not have realized how hurtful it would be to d/s to exclude him from this trip. He has so enjoyed the trip in the past, and was excited about sharing this experience with his brothers. Since this is a family reunion, which I believe is meant to bring the family together and deepen their connection, what purpose would be served by leaving one sibling out? You know he is very self-sufficient, and if anything would be a resource for you in dealing with any homesickness his brothers might encounter, so we would like you to include him."

 

Then again, I would also have no problem calling her up and saying, "No way lady, nobody treats my son that way."

 

I hope you are able to resolve this in a way that lessens your son's pain.

[Carol in Cal.]

I completely agree. The 12yo might have squished down his hurt, but it's still in there buried. He might be able to look on the camping trip with anticipation, but he'll still remember the way g'ma didn't want him. You need to address it even if he blows it off.

 

 

 

I agree with the above, but I also think you should tell g'ma that when you told ds12 he wasn't invited, he cried. She should feel the pain of regret for hurting a child. She needs to know that she deeply wounded him. Whether or not she apologizes properly doesn't really matter. She needs to feel a healthy bit of guilt.

 

I agree with this, and I think that to force her to take him at this point would be a terrible mistake. I don't think that she will necessarily treat him well, and that's unacceptable. She should change, and people do change, but seldom. And she should come to feel regret, but until she does, she doesn't. And while she doesn't, she should not be caring for this lovely 12 year old young man.

[~Amanda~]

:iagree:

If it were me I would demand that the boys be a package deal. There is no way in the world I would let her take two of your children and leave one out. She is horrible for suggesting it and I would tell her so.

[Julie in CA]

I grew up as a stepchild, and a step grandchild. While I think it's particularly nasty of your mil to be hurtful to a child, I think in today's era of "blended families" we forget that just because we meet someone and fall in love, it doesn't necessarily mean that everyone in the family will feel the same way. I am in no way excusing mil's behavior--it's completely horrible, but...it was clear to me, even as a child, that I loved my own grandma more than I loved my step-grandma. I was always polite, but it's true sometimes that you feel the closest bond with those people with whom you share the most history. Maybe mil feels this way, and isn't doing a good job of hiding it? Does your oldest have any visitation with his bio-dad? Does bio-dad also take the step-brothers & sisters? Of course not. Does that make the steps feel excluded, or do we just explain that each person in the family has their own situation in life? It would be great if mil were more noble, more able to take the high road, but really, it's mostly very sad for her that she got through life never having grown past that. (That is how I would explain all of this to the oldest ds, and though I'd be tempted to use the words "shallow", "petty", and "mean", to describe mil, I'd resist the urge. ;) )

 

I'd certainly have a non-confrontational, but frank conversation with mil, explaining how badly she hurt a child's feelings. She doesn't have to love them all in exactly the same way, but she does need to temper her treatment with kindness and consideration.

 

Hopefully, your oldest ds will find enough special relationships in his life (and of course, you help him find them!), that he will learn to ignore the people who don't choose to be close. It's not a reflection of his value, or his lovable-ness, just the weaknesses of people too blind to see or appreciate. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

I also would not send my other dc, regardless of the plane ticket situation. I wouldn't say it's a punitive measure towards mil, just that the kids were unhappy to be separated, and you feel it's very important to teach your kids that it's wrong to hurt someone's feelings by leaving them behind. Maybe she'll "get" the lesson that you're teaching your dc. :glare:

Edited May 2, 2011 by Julie in CA

[annlaura]

My grandmother used to invite just me for visits, and not my older brother. My mother insisted she have us both. Grandma finally agreed to have us both, but different times. I went first and had a lovely time. Then she never had my brother after all. His hurt was great, and my visit was tainted and I felt guilt. If your MIL truly didn't intend to hurt but to even out the trips, she should know she did anyway. All of the children need to know this doesn't reflect on them in any way.

[kalanamak]

I agree with the posters who don't think Grandma is up to handling two young boys for 3 weeks.

 

Hey, my BIL is that age and he runs marathons and climbed Killamanjaro last year. My sister isn't far behind and she takes her GKs and GGD just fine.

[arghmatey]

Hey, my BIL is that age and he runs marathons and climbed Killamanjaro last year. My sister isn't far behind and she takes her GKs and GGD just fine.

 

These are inspiring and exceptional anecdotes, but OP already mentioned her belief great grandma is feeling her age. Was "feeble" the word used? I don't recall.

 

I think a 74-year old who can keep up with a 4 and 5-year-old at once for an entire day is hard to find; even moreso for three weeks or a month.

[katilac]

The grandmother brought up the issue herself, when she said that adding the third kid might be overwhelming.

[Jean in Newcastle]

These are inspiring and exceptional anecdotes, but OP already mentioned her belief great grandma is feeling her age. Was "feeble" the word used? I don't recall.

 

I think a 74-year old who can keep up with a 4 and 5-year-old at once for an entire day is hard to find; even moreso for three weeks or a month.

 

Feeble was used by another poster, not the OP. The OP said that she is set in her ways.

[Emerkaza]

Totally OT, but that is quite an avatar you've got there, Emerkaza. Me likey. :)

Thanks. That's my man, Johnny Depp. :drool:

[arghmatey]

Feeble was used by another poster, not the OP. The OP said that she is set in her ways.

 

You're right!

 

I suppose I've gone offcourse now anyhow, since I simply would not permit it and would not give much more explanation than, "I'm sorry, but that won't work for us" or "We have other plans".

[RanchGirl]

Dear Mom, we have decided to take a family camping trip and unfortunately the dates conflict with your plans, so we will have to cancel. We are concerned about hurting big bro's feelings and little ones being away from us for so long, and younger boys do not want to miss a camping trip with their big brother. Since you are such a thoughtful mom, I know you will understand that my priority has to be taking care of my kids right now. Thank you for the offer, and we look forward to seeing you on XX date as a family. Love, your son.

 

The rudeness here is not you canceling, it's what she has done. I think it would be irresponsible to send your two littles off with this woman and if she chooses to consider that rude, that is her choice, but it does not change your responsibility to (a) stick up for your older son and (b) protect your little ones. Honestly, I am a little sick to my stomach at your dh just telling your son he's not invited like that; I think it would have been so much better to make up an excuse (e.g. "oh darn the trip won't workout because we are camping during that time, maybe next year"). But it's done and I would be working on fixing it now. Starting with letting him know that his feelings are more important than a grown woman's.

[tex-mex]

I feel so sad for your 12 yr old. Teen years are hard enough without having to deal with grandmothers like his. Being excluded like that has got to hurt a lot. :(

 

Honestly, I would cancel the visit and reimburse MIL for any $$ for tickets. It is all or nothing in our house and nobody plays favorites. MIL can handle the rejection better than a 12 yr old. ;)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[skissugar]

just wanted to add this tidbit on airline tickets.. if the tickets are refundable great.. if they are non refundable.. most airlines will just issue you a "credit" of that amount to use on another flight another time.. I personally think you should pull the 2 younger ones and just go camping as a family .. if she cant handle a 12yr old who is self sufficient and can help guide the younger ones when they are out of hand.. then she certainly cant handle 2 rowdy youngins...

[~Amanda~]

As always, AuntieM is full of wisdom.

 

Pink, I just have to ask this.... Please, please, please do not think I am questioning your judgment, I just ask because I know that this is something I could not have agreed to personally.... Are you truly comfortable with a 74 year old woman taking charge of two boys age 4 and 6 for that long a time, including travel through an airport? Admittedly, I am a bit of a control freak, but that scenario gives me pause, especially with the more rigorous standards for airport screening these days. The only way I'd consider it were if there were another older chaperone along. Say, my responsible 12 year old son.

 

Don't be afraid to be the Mama Bear. Your MIL can add another ticket. It's not like you're asking her to throw one away. Push come to shove, I'd offer to reimburse the cost of ds12's airfare.

 

My MIL hate hate hates being told what she cannot do with my kids. I am the only parent of the grandkids who will stand up to her. So, yeah, that makes me a bully. But it doesn't matter to me that I'm thought rude for calling her on foolish, often irresponsible behavior, as well as some not so foolish but still true things (like trying to still do things that she is absolutely no longer physically able to do safely). Her being in denial and getting huffy does not negate my parental responsibility to guard the well being of my children. I kind of see your situation in the same light. DS2 may not need to go to make things "fair," but in my eyes he'd need to go to help take care of little brothers.

 

JMO, of course, but that's the way I see it.

[Pretty in Pink]

The quote feature is really kicking my butt today. Geez.

 

In the past we have never had reason to question GMIL's and GFIL's ability to care for the boys. They are active and in good health. They still travel regularly and GMIL rides roller coasters that I won't even look at.

 

Of course, if she is now worried about keeping up with a self-sufficient, cooperative, and helpful nearly 13yo boy then I should be concerned about her ability to keep up with two active younger boys. Our 7yo is asthmatic, so that is another concern. I have always trusted her to keep up with his daily meds and such, but then again my eldest has always been around to make sure it gets remembered, and he knows those meds like the back of his hand.

 

I am going to tell dh that I want to keep all of the boys home this year. Regardless of her intent (and in addition to the concerns expressed above), the fact is that ds12 is sensitive to his status as a 'step' and his feelings have been hurt. My concern has to be for the peace and well-being of my own children. Hopefully the adults involved in this situation will understand my position. It would be nice to have dh's support in this.

 

The feedback I have received here has been incredibly helpful. Thank you all so much.

[ktgrok]

I think that it is obvious your oldest is very hurt. And by allowing her to do this to him you are sending the message that you agree with her treatment of him and are ok with it. That is even more hurtful, as he trusts you.

 

I'd protect him by telling grandma no way.

[QueenCat]

I am going to tell dh that I want to keep all of the boys home this year. Regardless of her intent (and in addition to the concerns expressed above), the fact is that ds12 is sensitive to his status as a 'step' and his feelings have been hurt. My concern has to be for the peace and well-being of my own children. Hopefully the adults involved in this situation will understand my position. It would be nice to have dh's support in this.

 

 

 

For me, it would be important that my dh make it clear when telling her, that it comes 100% from both of you. That is it a completely mutual decision.

[Hedgehog]

The quote feature is really kicking my butt today. Geez.

 

In the past we have never had reason to question GMIL's and GFIL's ability to care for the boys. They are active and in good health. They still travel regularly and GMIL rides roller coasters that I won't even look at.

 

Of course, if she is now worried about keeping up with a self-sufficient, cooperative, and helpful nearly 13yo boy then I should be concerned about her ability to keep up with two active younger boys. Our 7yo is asthmatic, so that is another concern. I have always trusted her to keep up with his daily meds and such, but then again my eldest has always been around to make sure it gets remembered, and he knows those meds like the back of his hand.

 

I am going to tell dh that I want to keep all of the boys home this year. Regardless of her intent (and in addition to the concerns expressed above), the fact is that ds12 is sensitive to his status as a 'step' and his feelings have been hurt. My concern has to be for the peace and well-being of my own children. Hopefully the adults involved in this situation will understand my position. It would be nice to have dh's support in this.

 

The feedback I have received here has been incredibly helpful. Thank you all so much.

 

I've been reading your thread on my cell phone because we were away this weekend, but it's not great for posting replies longer than two sentences!

 

I'm really glad that you've decided to keep your dc home, because under the circumstances I think that's the best result. There is no way on this earth that that kind of favouritism should be okay.. it is incredibly hurtful.

 

However, I did want to write something about our experiences with mine and DH's parents because it's pertinent to the issues of grandparents looking after kids and so forth.

 

My mum and dad are both in their 60s, and are two polar opposites; mum has always been energetic, dad prefers peace and quiet and can't deal with much stress. Lately though, it's been becoming obvious that even she isn't coping so well with having the grandkids to stay. She likes to do lots of things with them, but that and their endless energy wears her out. Also, they find it difficult to cater for all four of our dc, they love them but they are not used to having them all the time. I have two olders and two littles, and their interests and needs are different. So, we are currently working out a compromise, so that our dc can visit with my folks: something along the lines of them visiting two by two, making sure that the pairs have exactly the same amount of time with their grandparents. I perhaps have the benefit of knowing that if my folks arrange something with me, then nothing short of a disaster would cause them to cancel.

 

DH's mum isn't really kid-oriented, and although she loves our dc because they are family, she's not very good at looking after them. If she visits with us and babysits for an evening, we have to make sure the littles are in bed before we leave, otherwise she can't cope. She also can't cope with taking the littles out, so we have made that an age thing, like when they can have chewing gum, go to evening activities, and (girls) have their ears pierced. The littles know that grandma will take them places when they are older, and that she didn't take the olders out until they were *so* old.

 

I think that maybe what I am describing here is the way that we have dealt with the limitations of our parents, but keeping it within a fair framework. Kids need a valid explanation of what happens, otherwise they are confused and hurt. If there is no valid explanation of the situation, then IMO the situation is bad. For your oldest son, there is no real, valid explanation of why he wasn't invited, and he knows it. You are absolutely right to cancel the whole thing, at least until you can figure out how to do it fairly. Children have an acute sense of justice, and hurts like that can last a long time.

 

Also a thought about this introductions thing, which separates step-kids from bio-kids. Would adopted or fostered kids be treated differently like this, too? What if a family member only had adopted or fostered kids? If you have a child living with you, then they are your kids. Period. Separating them for an introduction treats the child in question as a second rate member of the family, and that's not on. I have zero tolerance for this kind of cr@p! I have to say that if that was happening in my family, dh and I would be point-blank refusing to go to any such event until we were assured that it would not happen, and if (upon such assurance) we went and unacceptable introductions were still made, we would stand up and leave immediately. It's unnecessary, callous and rude and I'd want no part of it.

 

Anyway OP.. be strong.. your ds12 won't forget that you stood up for him. I only wish to God that my mum had stood up for me, when I was young and vulnerable.

[Pretty in Pink]

For me, it would be important that my dh make it clear when telling her, that it comes 100% from both of you. That is it a completely mutual decision.

 

This is important to me, too. I hope it works out this way. I think he needs to be the one to tell her, and to let her know that this was our mutual decision, that we want to be fair to all of the boys and avoid hard feelings between siblings, and above all that we need to be sensitive to ds12's feelings regarding being a step child.

 

Hedgehog, thanks for taking the time to share your experience. Age has always been our criteria for staying over with GMIL and GFIL as well. That's why I was taken by surprise this year when ds12 was suddenly excluded.

 

And, yes, adopted children are singled out as such in this family. I can recall several occassions in which DMIL has complained about a family member and then quipped, "Well, it's not like he is a blood relative" or "A real {insert family surname} would never do something like that, but she's just so-and-so's step-daughter. What can you expect?" I have literally excused my children from a room before and asked her to watch what she says in front of my children. That always goes over well. :glare:

[2cents]

...And, yes, adopted children are singled out as such in this family. I can recall several occassions in which DMIL has complained about a family member and then quipped, "Well, it's not like he is a blood relative" or "A real {insert family surname} would never do something like that, but she's just so-and-so's step-daughter. What can you expect?" I have literally excused my children from a room before and asked her to watch what she says in front of my children. That always goes over well. :glare:

 

Oh boy! Based on that history, I'd have no problem whatsoever calling off any trips and I think MIL needs to know it is completely because of the way she has treated the children. I wouldn't trust her around any of them without being there to monitor. MIL made her bed, let her sleep in it. You're doing the right thing and your 12 yr old will admire you for it.

Edited May 2, 2011 by 2cents

[Danestress]

Further, the practice of announcing step-family last at the reunions is rude, exclusionary, and idiotic. Is this really permissible to anyone?

 

Yeah. Sort of. If DH left me next week and remarried some young thing, it would annoy the heck of out me if she introduced my sons as her sons. They aren't her sons. They are my sons. They are her step-sons. It would annoy me to have her parents say, "Hey, meet my grandsons." Not your grandsons. You hardly know them. Obviously over time that would change, but it would probably never stop bugging me!

 

It would make me apoplectic to have my boys introduce their hottie step-Mom as "Our Mom." She would be their step-Mom. Not their Mom. That would be me.

 

I don't know. I really appreciated that when I became a step-Mom, my parents took on DH's son as their own, lock, stock and barrel. They were great. But I think that, yes, to answer your questions, sometimes it would be acceptable to distinguish step children as such. Because it's a reality, and besides, as I said in another post, why is "step" bad? I loved my step son. Absolutely adored him. I think every family is different, and it doesn't seem at all idiotic to me that a family might identify "steps" as such at an introduction.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Danestress

[katilac]

But the scenario presented by the OP is very different from yours. It's one thing for a newly married wife, alone with the kids, to introduce them as her stepsons, and quite another, imo, to make the distinction when doing public introductions during a "speech" at a large gathering. Then, it is far more polite to say, This is Ken, Sarah, and their children, Things 1, 2, and 3.

 

I can understand that it would be weird for a brand-new spouse to introduce stepkids as "my" children, but the grandparent thing? I don't get it. Would you really prefer that step-grandparents make the distinction? I cannot imagine doing that. No grandkids here for a while, but when aunts and uncles have remarried into blended families, those kids immediately became my cousins, and were referred to and introduced as such. I can't imagine saying, "These are my cousins, Carrie and Trish, and this is my step-cousin, Max." For a person to simply say, "These are my grandchildren" seems nothing but lovely to me.

 

Yeah. Sort of, I do. If DH left me next week and remarried some young thing, it would annoy the heck of out me if she introduced my sons as her sons. They aren't her sons. They are my sons. They are her step-sons. It would annoy me to have her parents say, "Hey, meet my grandsons." Not your grandsons. You hardly know them. Obviously over time that would change, but it would probably never stop bugging me!

 

It would make me apoplectic to have my boys introduce their hottie step-Mom as "Our Mom." She would be their step-Mom. Not their Mom. That would be me.

 

I don't know. I really appreciated that when I became a step-Mom, my parents took on DH's son as their own, lock, stock and barrel. They were great. But I think that, yes, to answer your questions, sometimes it would be acceptable to distinguish step children as such. Because it's a reality, and besides, as I said in another post, why is "step" bad? I loved my step son. Absolutely adored him. I think every family is different, and it doesn't seem at all idiotic to me that a family might identify "steps" as such at an introduction.

[Jean in Newcastle]

But the scenario presented by the OP is very different from yours. It's one thing for a newly married wife, alone with the kids, to introduce them as her stepsons, and quite another, imo, to make the distinction when doing public introductions during a "speech" at a large gathering. Then, it is far more polite to say, This is Ken, Sarah, and their children, Things 1, 2, and 3.

 

I can understand that it would be weird for a brand-new spouse to introduce stepkids as "my" children, but the grandparent thing? I don't get it. Would you really prefer that step-grandparents make the distinction? I cannot imagine doing that. No grandkids here for a while, but when aunts and uncles have remarried into blended families, those kids immediately became my cousins, and were referred to and introduced as such. I can't imagine saying, "These are my cousins, Carrie and Trish, and this is my step-cousin, Max." For a person to simply say, "These are my grandchildren" seems nothing but lovely to me.

 

What I've heard a lot of lately is "These are my children X, Y, Z and these are dh's children, A, B, C." It's accurate without accentuating the "step" relationship.

[Mommyfaithe]

I respect your decision, but none of mine would be going. I would not hurt my own child's feelings to spare those of an adult for the sake of family peace. Nope. Not happening here.

 

This. None would be going.

Faithe

[MrsBasil]

Pink, I hope this get resolved with as little family drama as possible. I think you are handling things on your end really well. :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

Kids need a valid explanation of what happens, otherwise they are confused and hurt. If there is no valid explanation of the situation, then IMO the situation is bad. For your oldest son, there is no real, valid explanation of why he wasn't invited, and he knows it. You are absolutely right to cancel the whole thing, at least until you can figure out how to do it fairly. Children have an acute sense of justice, and hurts like that can last a long time.

.

 

:iagree:

[Impish]

This is important to me, too. I hope it works out this way. I think he needs to be the one to tell her, and to let her know that this was our mutual decision, that we want to be fair to all of the boys and avoid hard feelings between siblings, and above all that we need to be sensitive to ds12's feelings regarding being a step child.

 

Hedgehog, thanks for taking the time to share your experience. Age has always been our criteria for staying over with GMIL and GFIL as well. That's why I was taken by surprise this year when ds12 was suddenly excluded.

 

And, yes, adopted children are singled out as such in this family. I can recall several occassions in which DMIL has complained about a family member and then quipped, "Well, it's not like he is a blood relative" or "A real {insert family surname} would never do something like that, but she's just so-and-so's step-daughter. What can you expect?" I have literally excused my children from a room before and asked her to watch what she says in front of my children. That always goes over well. :glare:

She sounds like my MIL. To this day, she introduces dh as, "My adopted son, Wolf." Interestingly enough, Tazzie and Princess just get 'my grandchildren'. We honestly believe its b/c of Wolf's First Nation heritage. He resembles his birth mom, but the kids resemble his birth dad (Swedish/Norwegian) and I. Heaven FORBID someone think *she* had a relationship with someone non-caucasian! :svengo:Plus, she gets attention for adopting him.

 

She pulled the, "Imp's daughter..." thing. Once. Wolf blew a gasket. She's sneaky about it now, but as long as a) the kids don't catch it and b) Wolf continues to not let her skate with it, I don't care.

[Danestress]

so I answered it. I don't think it's always bad to make the distinction, though in the OP's situation, it seems wrong. I guess I was broadening the conversation. I see why in this case it seems wrong. I just don't think that it's always a bad thing to say "step" - maybe because I (apparently unlike anyone else in America, lol) have very positive, loving associations with the word "step."

 

I call my MIL my mother "in law" because she's not my mother. She's my Mother-in-law and those are different things, though I absolutely love my MIL and feel very close to her. I called my step-son a "step-son" because that's what he was. I understand that people associate being a step mother with leaving children in the woods to meet their deaths, but that's not how it was for us. I was happy the day I adopted him and became just "mother." But I think it's a wonderful thing to be someone's "step" mother, and not something to be afraid to say.

 

I agree, though, that grandmother's can generally not err by treating and referring to the entire younger generation the same way. I'm pretty sure my parents never called my son a "step" grandchild, even when technically he was. They have been entirely awesome grandparents, and I would never have to convince them not to hurt a child's feeling this way. They would naturally think of that themselves and never have to be schooled in it.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Danestress