When one parent does not want to homeschool?

[HSMWB]

Hi, I'm new here and posting because I am hoping for some words of advice. At the moment I am a stay at home mom, and have been sine I got pregnant with the oldest. We have two kids, ages 5 and 3.

 

The five year old is currently at a private school, which we like, but don't love. I think with time and lots and lots of parent involvement it could be ok, but frankly I don't have the time and feel like I am paying 600 bucks a month (plus all the other stuff that goes along with it like field-trips, school shirt, help with fund-raising, work parties, etc. etc.) I should not have to be an un-paid assistant to a class that has a 1:7 ratio already.

 

So I want to homeschool next year and see how it goes. My husband thinks this is insane and thinks I should get a 'real' read 'good paying' job and that we shold put both of the kids into full time school/daycare. I think that A- the youngest is too young still and I don't want to be away. and B - that the 'real good paying' jobs where I live are all really 50+ hours per week kind of jobs and I don't want us both working those kinds of hours. I didn't have kids to let someone else raise them.

 

Any ideas on how to change his mind? And no, we can not afford to send one/both of them to school and me not be working :-(

[dcjlkplus3]

Have you compared how much school costs for two small ones would be to what you could reasonably expect to make. If he sees that your working would only pay for their schooling/daycare, he might be more inclined to agree with your staying home for school.

 

Have you shared with him all of your reasons for homeschooling?

He might respond well to knowing that you have a plan and that you aren't just going off of your feelings.

 

Good luck!

[EJCMom]

What is his reason for wanting you to work? Is it because he wants to just send both kids to private school because he's flat-out opposed to homeschooling or public school, or is he envisioning a more comfortable lifestyle if you were working, and sending the kids to private school would be the logical schooling choice?

[Twilight Woods]

Well I don't know your religious beliefs ..but prayer is always helpful.

 

 

My husband was not on board. I wanted to pull DD out of public school this past October. He was totally against it. His main reason: she wouldn't have friends.

 

UGH.

 

So from October till now I let it be. I prayed about it and I did my research. I learned what type of learner DD was and what she was having issues with. She also has anxiety which has been extremely difficult to handle especially in school. We put her in therapy, tried medication had an IEP put in place.

 

This whole time her scores kept dropping, she kept having BAD days and scores dropped in the classes she normally excelled in.

 

SO now he is in agreement.

 

:)

 

Although I told him I would only HS for 5th grade the reeval..b/c he wants her to go to middle school and high school....I asked him why and he said b/c she needs the life experiences.

 

Whatever. She does not need to experience that to gain life experience. Personally Id rather her avoid that environment at all cost especially given her sensitive side and her anxiety.

 

 

Im rambling. Sorry.

 

 

Now the only thing we aren't in agreement on is how long I will be HS her.

[Starr]

Does he know how grumpy you will be? You will still need to do all the things you are doing now for the school even if you are working. Ask how he wants to divide the family work load. :D Maybe you can try it for a couple of years while your little one isn't school age and by then it will be your family normal.

[Rosie_0801]

Do all what the others have said and start researching and planning as though you already have permission. One of the biggest things that persuaded my hubby was that I was doing more teacher prep than he was and it got to the point where he figured it wasn't possible for me do a worse job than anyone else.

 

I used lots of "Hey, look at this cool thing about homeschooling!" and fewer, but carefully placed "Look at this terrible thing in the local newspaper about schools!"

 

Starr has a great point there. My hubby couldn't handle anything on top of his job. He couldn't even pull his finger out and feed me properly when I was pregnant and unable do much more than move from the couch to the loo and back. I'm really not sure how he thought I was going to work full time, and keep house, and care for kids, and cover his 4-6 weekends away each year, then have enough left over to be able to be nice to him. I'm not that tough.

 

Rosie

Edited April 20, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[Joanne]

*Gently* (well, as gentle as I can be ;))

 

I think you have at least 2 issues. One comes before the issue of educational setting. That issue is respect for at home mothering *over* the perceived advantages of 2 incomes.

 

I think that with a husband who doesn't value at home mothering AND a disunitiy on educational setting, you have too much dissention to homeschool.

[Giraffe]

Joanne is wise.

 

My DH is opposed to homeschooling. I will summer and "after" school. Perhaps with time and prayer he will change his mind, but until then, I'm not pushing the subject.

 

Summer school starts this year, as DD has asked to be taught to read. For real. Not pretend.

[Carol in Cal.]

Realize that the problem here is much bigger than whether or not to homeschool.

 

It sounds like you and your DH have huge fundamental differences in your views of the value of stay at home parenting. If you force the issue and stay home, will he respect you? Will he stay in the marriage? I hate to put it so bluntly, but really, if you have no career and things go south, you will be extraordinarily vulnerable financially and emotionally. The cards are stacked against you here. Be really, really careful.

[momofsbandeg]

not do it against his will.

 

However, I would pray that the Lord would help to change his mind.

 

Put paper to pen as far as cost of schooling two, wardrobe for your job, taxes on extra income, cost of commute and wear and tear on car. We figured all this out for us and after all extra costs and taxes I would bring in less than $11,000. Definitely not worth it to us.

 

Just be honest with your husband.

[ChristusG]

You could start schooling him through the summer and hope that your DH will see how much your son is benefiting from it.

[kalanamak]

The five year old is currently at a private school, which we like, but don't love. I think with time and lots and lots of parent involvement it could be ok, but frankly I don't have the time

 

Said with all respect: where will you find the time to homeschool, then? This sticky knot will have to be addressed.

[Peela]

It really is difficult but my experience was that once I was convicted to do it, I researched and found articles and printed them out for dh. I asked him to be open to the idea- he definitely wasn't at first. Eventually he gave me a 6 month trial and he was convinced pretty quickly once we started.

The thing is, people mean well. Your dh means well. He wants what is best- he is simply ignorant about homeschooling. I knew I had to convince my dh that I could actually do this- our society doesn't educate us that we are capable of teaching kindergarten to our own kids, let alone higher grades. But we can and we can do a great job.

Educate him. Show him you are passionate about it. He should respect you enough to at least be open to what you have to say, especially if you also listen to his concerns- otherwise I would work on that issue first.

[KinderSafari]

Research things and be prepared for all questions.

 

Costs to homeschooling: curriculum (your kids are preschool, you can get A LOT at the library), no income from a second job

 

Savings if you homeschool: $600 a month for child one

Childcare savings for child two

No $ towards work clothes for you

Less $ towards other work-related items (gas, etc.) for you

Time savings - you can teach your kids directly instead of volunteering all the time for x number of kids

 

Benefits: Happier you

Best teacher-child ratio

Teacher is devoted to the best education for your kids

 

However, if your husband is adamant, I would not risk the marriage harmony in this.

 

Only YOU know what you need to do. But researching as much as possible ahead of time would be great, and then going to him to ask him gently what are the sticking points for him would be helpful.

 

Also, I do now work part-time, and our kids go to school part-time. One to a private school for one class a day, and three to public school (our youngest goes one day a week, and our oldest goes three hours a day). All for different reasons. Is there some halfway point to meet him? It doesn't have to be all or nothing. There are a lot of options in the middle as well.

 

Good luck!

[HSMWB]

Said with all respect: where will you find the time to homeschool, then? This sticky knot will have to be addressed.

 

Well, I was trying to not make the original post too long, but the reason that I currently do not have the time is because for most of the year I have been working on the main fundraiser for the school that brought in over 1/3 of the operating income. I was working on this many times while she was in school at the office, or doing 'home stuff' because I was working on it at night after the kids were in bed instead of doing 'home stuff' then. For doing this, we did not pay tuition for 7 months of the year. Which leaves us with needing to pay tuition for the other three. So then, the way it worked out was that the week before the event, I started watching a baby for pay so that I would be bringing in money to cover the tuition that is now due.

 

So now, the event is over, but I have a three year old and a baby with us, needless to say, it is kind of hard to help out in the classroom - the baby in particular is a HUGE distraction for the kids in the class. Even morning drop off if the baby is awake is quite the commotion.

 

However, I do not think this would stop me from having the time to homeschool. And I would not be doing the fundraiser of course if we were homeschooling.

[HSMWB]

What is his reason for wanting you to work? Is it because he wants to just send both kids to private school because he's flat-out opposed to homeschooling or public school, or is he envisioning a more comfortable lifestyle if you were working, and sending the kids to private school would be the logical schooling choice?

 

I think the main thing is that he is envisioning a more comfortable lifestyle if we were both working. I have a maters degree and previously held jobs where I was making about the same as him, however, this was with me working a job where 50+ hours per week is expected, and it is not the kind of field where you can get a part time job unless you have your own business as work as a consultant. Which we have talked about doing, because it is really the best way to me $$$, it just takes time and you have to establish yourself.

 

But, the thing is, and the main reason why we have not done this, was two fold, because the youngest is finally old enough that he has stopped nursing and is ok being with a babysitter situation (no family to lean on) but we have also moved on average once a year to a different geographical location for my husbands jobs. So, it just never made since for me to do this, we both agreed.

 

And ever right now, we might -most likely- be moving AGAIN, and we have no real idea when or where. Even though, in theory, after this next move, we should be settled for a least a few years.

 

And I think that I could run a business and home-school because by then the kids would be old enough for drop off programs that we could use for child care if we were still living someplace with no family.

 

 

 

I found out last night that one of his concerns, and the reason why he wants a private Christian School (she currently goes to a secular one) is that he is concerned that we are not doing a good enough job of transmitting our beliefs and that to take his exact words 'the kids need a daily dose of dedicated Jesus time'. I am not even sure I can convey how upset on several different levels I am by this statement on his part. Although in the moment I did not reply and simply changed the situation.

 

I don't think he is flat out against homeschooling, just that the right private school is where he would like to see them, and that would require me to be bringing in money too.

[amey311]

 

 

I found out last night that one of his concerns, and the reason why he wants a private Christian School (she currently goes to a secular one) is that he is concerned that we are not doing a good enough job of transmitting our beliefs and that to take his exact words 'the kids need a daily dose of dedicated Jesus time'. I am not even sure I can convey how upset on several different levels I am by this statement on his part. Although in the moment I did not reply and simply changed the situation.

 

 

Is he willing to be in charge of this "dedicated Jesus time"? I'm assuming not (that's why he's pushing Christian school). Is that something that's being done at home at all now? I'm not sure it's exactly fair to rely on school alone for your child's faith education, but I'm a secularist, so I'm probably not the best to ask. I've just seen posts from people here who consider it important to have their faith be a part of their whole day - not just 15 minutes for "Jesus time." KWIM?

[HSMWB]

*Gently* (well, as gentle as I can be ;))

 

I think you have at least 2 issues. One comes before the issue of educational setting. That issue is respect for at home mothering *over* the perceived advantages of 2 incomes.

 

I think that with a husband who doesn't value at home mothering AND a disunitiy on educational setting, you have too much dissention to homeschool.

 

Honestly, I think you are probably right. I was talking with him and trying to figure out what it was he wanted to spend money on and see if I could rearrange the budget to accommodate for it. But the stuff he came up with, well, lets just say that he basically wants to be able to spend at least 50 dollars a day on frivolous stuff and another 1000 a month on 'nice toys'. My gut reaction is that me going back to work is not going to even bring in what he has his heart set on, and is going to bring so much stress that it is going to rip us apart because I am going to resent it.

 

The thing that gets me though is part of the reason I am not having a real job is because we have moved so much for his. Oh, and I am bringing in an extra 900 that I can do with the kids and that is still not even enough for him.

 

Uggggg, we have a lot to work though. Too bad our oldest is already 'school age'.

[Mynyel]

Hi, I'm new here and posting because I am hoping for some words of advice. At the moment I am a stay at home mom, and have been sine I got pregnant with the oldest. We have two kids, ages 5 and 3.

 

The five year old is currently at a private school, which we like, but don't love. I think with time and lots and lots of parent involvement it could be ok, but frankly I don't have the time and feel like I am paying 600 bucks a month (plus all the other stuff that goes along with it like field-trips, school shirt, help with fund-raising, work parties, etc. etc.) I should not have to be an un-paid assistant to a class that has a 1:7 ratio already.

 

So I want to homeschool next year and see how it goes. My husband thinks this is insane and thinks I should get a 'real' read 'good paying' job and that we shold put both of the kids into full time school/daycare. I think that A- the youngest is too young still and I don't want to be away. and B - that the 'real good paying' jobs where I live are all really 50+ hours per week kind of jobs and I don't want us both working those kinds of hours. I didn't have kids to let someone else raise them.

 

Any ideas on how to change his mind? And no, we can not afford to send one/both of them to school and me not be working :-(

 

Make a list of pro's and con's. Then tell him, lets try it for a year and see how it goes. Just one year.

 

:D After one year it will be hard to go back, I think you both will love it bunches!

[Carol in Cal.]

You could show him the Christian curriculum that you might use and ask for his opinion on it.

 

The one I used was written for Christian (specifically conservative Lutheran) schools, so it had LOTS of depth because it was designed to be taught as a class, 4-5 days per week. I grew up attending schools that used similar material, and it's tremendously educational in Bible knowledge and applications. If your DH is really mostly worried about that, then I think that you could take care it very easily. (BTW, the curriculum that I used is called Voyages, and it's from Concordia Publishing House. Rod and Staff and several other suppliers have programs that are also designed to be used every day.)

Edited April 21, 2011 by Carol in Cal.

[Liz CA]

Honestly, I think you are probably right. I was talking with him and trying to figure out what it was he wanted to spend money on and see if I could rearrange the budget to accommodate for it. But the stuff he came up with, well, lets just say that he basically wants to be able to spend at least 50 dollars a day on frivolous stuff and another 1000 a month on 'nice toys'. My gut reaction is that me going back to work is not going to even bring in what he has his heart set on, and is going to bring so much stress that it is going to rip us apart because I am going to resent it.

 

The thing that gets me though is part of the reason I am not having a real job is because we have moved so much for his. Oh, and I am bringing in an extra 900 that I can do with the kids and that is still not even enough for him.

 

Uggggg, we have a lot to work though. Too bad our oldest is already 'school age'.

 

Honey, I am saying this very gently. It sounds like he is a little immature or self-centered. I would lay out a typical day as it would unfold. Tell him exactly what it would be like, both of you get up early, rush the kids and yourselves out to daycare, school and work. Rush home after work, run by the grocery store on the way home for food, get late to daycare and pay the penalty fee, rush kids home and try to cook something edible and nourishing, do homework with the school child while trying to give some attention to the little one, bathe the children, get children to bed. Vacuum house and pick up toys. Sit down by 10:30p.m. and either collapse on a chair or fall into bed. There would be no time to "use" any of the toys he wants to buy because on the weekends you would be doing laundry and deep cleaning the house...

I would try to find a good marriage counselor to perhaps set you on a better road so you will not be frustrated and tired from working 3 jobs (work, cleaning, mothering - and really there are way more things that will crop up) and so he can mature a little and see that his children's wellbeing and his wife's health should take priority to acquiring any "toys."

[Scarlett]

*Gently* (well, as gentle as I can be ;))

 

I think you have at least 2 issues. One comes before the issue of educational setting. That issue is respect for at home mothering *over* the perceived advantages of 2 incomes.

 

I think that with a husband who doesn't value at home mothering AND a disunitiy on educational setting, you have too much dissention to homeschool.

 

This.

 

Boy oh boy does this all sound familiar. 2 years ago I was where you are. I begged I pleaded I reasoned.....nothing would sway him. He was determined that ds be put in public school for the 4th grade EVEN THOUGH he had always been hs'led and EVEN THOUGH he was scoring high 90 percentiles on state standardized testing and EVEN THOUGH he was/is a well rounded kid with lots of friends and lots of interests.

 

It is horrible to be so far apart in fundalmental beliefs (home mothering vs. perceived advantages of 2 incomes and private schools).

 

He sounds so much like my now X husband I don't even know what to say.

Edited April 21, 2011 by Scarlett

[UnsinkableKristen]

Honey, I am saying this very gently. It sounds like he is a little immature or self-centered.

 

 

I know how you mean this, but I think it still is a little unfair to the OP's DH.

 

To me, it sounds like he assumed that once the kids were all in school, the OP would go back to her regular, high-paying job and their lifestyle would continue as it was. However, upon having children, the OP saw that she liked being a SAHM (or WAHM) and now thinks that homeschooling sounds like a good idea as well and the best choice for their (young) children and family.

 

Two big incomes to one is a BIG change in life plans! And I don't think he should be labeled prematurely for being hesitant to change "The Plan".

 

Obviously, I'm reading into this and I could be way off base and he really could just be immature and reluctant to sacrifice for an At Home Mother/Homeschooling. But I don't think it's fair to assume the worst of him this early based only on his reluctance to change and his desire for a certain (previously held) lifestyle.

[NanceXToo]

My gut reaction is that me going back to work is not going to even bring in what he has his heart set on, and is going to bring so much stress that it is going to rip us apart because I am going to resent it.

 

I think that A- the youngest is too young still and I don't want to be away. and B - that the 'real good paying' jobs where I live are all really 50+ hours per week kind of jobs and I don't want us both working those kinds of hours. I didn't have kids to let someone else raise them.

 

I think you need to tell him these things very forthrightly- and very firmly. That you have NO interest in working 50 plus hours per week and leaving your children to someone else to raise just so you guys can have fancier "toys."

 

Tell him you are willing to help budget for reasonable things, you are willing to help save where you can, but that being home with the kids is important to you and that you need him to respect and support that.

 

Focus on homeschooling after you acknowledge continued stay-at-home-parenting.

 

Then start showing him things about the benefits of homeschooling and the cost of saving on private school and so on and so forth. Also, go ahead and homeschool over the summer- by this I do not mean start doing things beyond your kids' level just to try to impress your husband- have fun with the kids!!- but get your feet wet and show yourself and him that you're perfectly able to and willing to educate your young children on your own.

 

Good luck!!

[Trish]

Is it so easy in this economy to just to out and "get a good job?" Day care isn't cheap. Gas isn't cheap. Wardrobe isn't cheap. Private school isn't cheap.

[Scarlett]

. I was talking with him and trying to figure out what it was he wanted to spend money on and see if I could rearrange the budget to accommodate for it. But the stuff he came up with, well, lets just say that he basically wants to be able to spend at least 50 dollars a day on frivolous stuff and another 1000 a month on 'nice toys'. My gut reaction is that me going back to work is not going to even bring in what he has his heart set on, and is going to bring so much stress that it is going to rip us apart because I am going to resent it.

 

Wow. This is EXACTLY the conversation we had when we discussed why I should 'get a job'. He was making 100K a year, we lived in a beautiful home in a beautiful area, he drove a brand new vehicle. I asked him WHY he wanted me to get a job? So 'we' could buy a new boat.

 

Ugh.

 

I am so sorry. I got so much great advice here when I was going through that. Some will tell you hs'ling is a hill to die on. I don't feel THAT way, but then again should a mother be forced into the work force, putting her dc in school, day care, and/or afterschool care for more TOYS? It didn't make sense then and it doesn't now.

 

I hope you come to an agreement.

[Anne in CA]

I can't say this gently, but I will say it even though I may be flamed, but how does he expect his children to value Jesus Christ if the main value in the family is to be able to waste $50 a day and buy a $1,000 worth of toys a month? If he holds that as a value, even over his children spending time with their mother, they WILL know the real family religion is materialism, and that will probably be their real religion also. There is no Bible curricula or teaching from any teacher that will over come what is lived day in and day out. It does sound like you know this, I was just stating what seems obvious to me, in case it helps you think clearly, even if it is just to say that I'm wrong, he is not materialistic at all.

 

Just so you know, my dh was exactly the same way for a couple of years even though I couldn't have brought in income to radically change our lifestyle. He was very unreasonable and every few months I would have to recrunch the numbers and show him that my working full time would not improve anything but it would ruin our life. Now he is very grateful for the education that our children are getting and even tells me how glad he is that we went this route. But he really wanted to live the life that his coworkers were leading.

[catz]

I found out last night that one of his concerns, and the reason why he wants a private Christian School (she currently goes to a secular one) is that he is concerned that we are not doing a good enough job of transmitting our beliefs and that to take his exact words 'the kids need a daily dose of dedicated Jesus time'. I am not even sure I can convey how upset on several different levels I am by this statement on his part. Although in the moment I did not reply and simply changed the situation.

 

I am commenting as someone who went to private Catholic school. My parents were Catholic but their lifestyle and choices were in deep contrast to the very conservative, old fashioned school I went to. This was problematic for me from a very early age. I personally think parents need to take a personal approach to instilling any kind of faith or values to their children. For the record, I am no longer Catholic or even Christian despite attending 9 years of private school nor are many kids that went to that school.

 

Obviously, I'm reading into this and I could be way off base and he really could just be immature and reluctant to sacrifice for an At Home Mother/Homeschooling. But I don't think it's fair to assume the worst of him this early based only on his reluctance to change and his desire for a certain (previously held) lifestyle.

:iagree:

I know my husband has a fairly narrow focus most of the time and homeschooling wasn't at all on his radar. I had a very high paying job before having kids and he also envisioned my income coming back into the house as our kids got older. My husband eventually came around with enough research and back up. And the first year was a trial year. We are now in our 3rd year. And homeschooling is a year to year proposition for us. I don't think it's ever to think of your spouse and the father of your children as "the enemy". He's just coming from a different POV. (I know the original poster was not doing this BTW). Also a little realism about what a 2 parent working life style would look like didn't hurt any either. His role in keeping the house running would be much more involved than it is with me home full time.

 

I also know many families locally who have 2 working parents and have worked around with schedules. Options are endless! :001_smile: Good luck!

[EJCMom]

All right...here's what I would do: I would strike a deal with him where I would agree to get a job and put the kids in private school on the condition that he allows you to homeschool the kids while you're looking. Then I would sit down and figure out exactly how much you would need to be making in order to be able to afford to work outside the home (there are a lot of costs to working: wardrobe, vehicle, fuel for the vehicle, lunches and dinners out, taxes, etc.), pay for private school tuition, pay for daycare, and pay for the additional toys and increase in lifestyle that he's expecting to realize. I would also include a stipulation that you should be able to realize $X for yourself personally from your income (I hate to use the word allowance, but essentially that would be it) because you going to work outside the home is going to complicate your life significantly and you, personally, should be compensated for that. Then, I would not accept a job offer that paid you less than you would need to make for all of that to happen. In this economy...well, I would imagine you'll be looking for a while. Hopefully in the meantime he'll see the benefits of you staying home and homeschooling. I know it all sounds terrible, but that's what I would do.

[Scarlett]

I am commenting as someone who went to private Catholic school. My parents were Catholic but their lifestyle and choices were in deep contrast to the very conservative, old fashioned school I went to. This was problematic for me from a very early age. I personally think parents need to take a personal approach to instilling any kind of faith or values to their children. For the record, I am no longer Catholic or even Christian despite attending 9 years of private school nor are many kids that went to that school.

 

 

:iagree:

I know my husband has a fairly narrow focus most of the time and homeschooling wasn't at all on his radar. I had a very high paying job before having kids and he also envisioned my income coming back into the house as our kids got older. My husband eventually came around with enough research and back up. And the first year was a trial year. We are now in our 3rd year. And homeschooling is a year to year proposition for us. I don't think it's ever to think of your spouse and the father of your children as "the enemy". He's just coming from a different POV. (I know the original poster was not doing this BTW). Also a little realism about what a 2 parent working life style would look like didn't hurt any either. His role in keeping the house running would be much more involved than it is with me home full time.

 

This is true. I must remember to not paint every resistant husban with the brush Scarlett's XH smeared himself with.

 

I've seen PLENTY of stories on this board of reluctant/resistant fathers who came around nicely. My best friend is married to one!

[elizam]

Realize that the problem here is much bigger than whether or not to homeschool.

 

It sounds like you and your DH have huge fundamental differences in your views of the value of stay at home parenting. If you force the issue and stay home, will he respect you? Will he stay in the marriage? I hate to put it so bluntly, but really, if you have no career and things go south, you will be extraordinarily vulnerable financially and emotionally. The cards are stacked against you here. Be really, really careful.

 

This. :( I struggled with this issue for years, longer than I should have. Torn between doing what I felt was best and all the Christian homeschooler advice about obeying your spouse, I didn't know what to do, so I kept on doggedly and suffered years of dh's hot/cold feelings about homeschooling. never mind that he didn't know what he was talking about, that the things I hate about PS have come true in some of my children's school experiences, etc. etc.

 

This might not be the advice most Christian homeschool moms would give, but it's my advice. Really, truly evaluate your whole marriage. I did, and what I realized was ugly. I was emotionally and verbally abused, which progressed to physical abuse. My children are scarred for life and scared of their dad. He has tried to use the fact that we homeschooled against me in court. My kids are in PS and charter school now, but *still*....it hurts and I have to endure hearing the comments from school personnel/CPS workers, etc. that school is *always* best because homeschooled children are *always* "behind and unsocialized" and mothers should work, preferably full time, because "everyone" does nowdays, and daycare is "crucial" for "learning."

 

In some ways, I have regrets. I am middle aged and dealing with the misery of all this now. It took me a year to find a job, and that's *with* a degree in education. I work in daycare, ironically! Reminds me of when I used to work in daycare and dh agreed with me that he did not want our children in one. But he did want them to go to PS...then he was all for homeschooling, then he wasn't, then he was...you get the idea. Sometimes he loved it (when things were going well), sometimes he hated it (when things weren't, or just was just disappointed that maybe his son was "turning gay" because he liked piano and wasn't any good at sports, or that I wanted money for this and that and he didn't feel like giving me any, so he said I should get a job if I wanted clothes, homeschool books, etc.

 

I got out of the marriage, and I didn't just jump into the divorce thing. I really, really hesitated...for too long. But at least I can say I prayed, etc. I still wish I had seen the light sooner.

 

This may not be your situation at all, but it's an example of nonsupportive dhs and how everything can be affected.

 

Maybe a compromise, such as part time work and the kids are still home with you part of the day.

[BabyBre]

You have no idea how I feel your pain. Our disagreement left me with the choice of continuing to homeschool or remaining married and enrolling the kids in public school. I chose to remain married. This makes it sound like a fairly clear decision, but it was the hardest one I've ever made.

 

You could ask your dh to let you give it a try. It didn't work out in our household, but my dh is weird. :lol: Be sure you give it 2-3 years to get on your feet though.

[Peela]

This is true. I must remember to not paint every resistant husban with the brush Scarlett's XH smeared himself with.

 

I've seen PLENTY of stories on this board of reluctant/resistant fathers who came around nicely. My best friend is married to one!

 

 

There is no way my dh was open to homeschooling when the kids first went to school- and I didn't have the confidence to push the point- I felt it was futile.

The only reason he did come around eventually was actually because we were separated at the time. He was missing us, and having our son part time during the day (while I worked) appealed to him. He was desperate to get back together and be a family, and I was quite content living alone with the kids without marital conflict.

But we didn't have the money conflict issues the OP has. In fact once I was homeschooling dh told me he would support me financially 100% if I moved back in with him- and he has ever since. It was a glue for our particular family- but only because dh was willing to do whatever it took.

 

It's definitely an issue that can show up what is going on in the marriage under the surface. Its fine for any dh to have his own , even strongly held opinion- but if he is not treating the mother/wife with deep respect around the issue also, even while holding his own ground, it's good for her to really see it. Better to have one's eyes open.

[LibraryLover]

If one child is 600/mo, two will be 1200 (which in my area would be an unbelievable bargain for a private school), and it will increase yearly. However, if you are a professional, you will make that, plus some.

 

This is really a lifestyle choice. What sort of lifestyle do you all have in mind?

[ktgrok]

My husband had similar thoughts. We finally agreed for me to try it on a trial basis. The main requirement he had was that it didn't lead to his life being more stressful, lol. Well, he now gets a home cooked hot breakfast most days, a packed lunch if he wants it, a hot dinner most nights, and his laundry done. He is able to work harder knowing that if the kids get sick we aren't scrambling to figure out which of us is staying home from work to take care of them, or even minor things like trying to figure out when to do laundry, or schedule the kids check ups, etc. He had always said women should work full time, but after a year of me being home and homeschooling he has admitted he has it much better than his coworkers that have working wives. And yesterday he told me he was proud of me homeschooling, for the first time.

 

I did make sure to play the "joy of homeschooling" lecture from Susan Wise Bauer while making dinner the other day, and he found it pretty eye opening.

[Alison in KY]

:grouphug:

 

I don't know how to say this as nicely as I would if we were all face to face. Reading some of these replies is a bit stressful for me. I remember 7 years ago when I wanted to homeschool and I sought out some advice from other homeschooling wives. I got the distinct impression that my marriage was going to fail and I should go to counseling. Doubts entered my head because my husband and I did not agree and I voiced our disagreements, which led to a similiar discussion as I'm seeing here.

 

Not every husband and wife are going to agree, although I admit that would be the ideal goal. I've had to settle for what I got, which was my husband grudgingly letting us try homeschooling for a year. When that year rolled around I was so afraid I'd hear him talking about public school...and he did, but he wasn't going to force the issue. Now, 7 years later, he'd still not mind if our kids were in public school. However, he also likes what we are able to do homeschooling. We can take off whenever he get's time off (Good Friday for instance), go on vacation when we want to, talk as much about Christ as we want to, and on and on.

 

If he had a different wife, then homeschooling would probably not be happening, but he's got me, lol. So he's learned to accept my passion. I try to consider his feelings on education. He's more standard school, and I'm a pretty relaxed homeschooler who doesn't mind if the kids sleep late. He can't stand clutter, so we do our best to keep the house neat. We are not always successful :tongue_smilie:. This year we had a tiff because he asked me if I tested the kids and I told him no. Well, I meant no in the typical test way, but then it was hard to re-assure him that I did indeed know what my kids knew. So, I ordered standardized tests for the kids, something that I really didn't care that much about. Thank goodness their scores were pretty good :lol:.

 

All you can do is try. Explain to him that you want to try this for a year and see how it goes. Look up all the pro's of homeschooling. Tell him the cost savings compared to public school and that you'll be able to teach all of the Bible your kids will ever need. Plus, it'll be easier on the kids when it's moving time. And like another mom said, pray, pray, and pray some more. If he's agreeable then take a year and enjoy time with your kids. You may find that you love it, or even that it's just not right for you. I think homeschooling is more a way of life than school at home. I just had fun and schooled lightly when my kids were that young...but still teaching them of course. Try not to set a huge goal for yourself that will just stress you out if your child doesn't hit that benchmark.

 

I hope this works out for you and your family. My apologies if anything I've said was offensive to anyone on here.

 

Alison

[JennyD]

I don't think it's unreasonable for a parent not to want to be the sole financial support of the family. It's a huge responsibility, especially in these uncertain times.

 

That said, if you're both working 50+ hour weeks, both of your lives will change. Is your husband on board with taking on a greater share of the housework and child care? (I am assuming that since you are currently SAH most of that is your job right now, but that won't be possible if you're working full-time.) How does he plan for the two of you to handle sick days, school vacation days, etc? You won't be able to keep a job and take off for all of them yourself; he will have to take some of them. Is he expecting that you will up and quit if his job takes you elsewhere again, or will you be able to stay long enough to build a career?

 

I know plenty of happy, healthy families in which both parents work full-time (or more). But it takes forethought and commitment to make that happen, just as in a SAH/WOH family.

[Scarlett]

I don't think it's unreasonable for a parent not to want to be the sole financial support of the family. It's a huge responsibility, especially in these uncertain times.

 

Remember she said 1)they've moved so much for HIS job she really couldn't work and 2)she has 3 small children.3)he wants her income for spending money and toys. 4)She is not refusing to work at risk of not being able to feed their children.

 

I see nothing unreasonable in a mother expecting the father of her children to support the family financially while she cares for the childen unless and until he is unable to do so.

 

I know plenty of happy, healthy families in which both parents work full-time (or more). But it takes forethought and commitment to make that happen, just as in a SAH/WOH family.

 

I don't. Maybe we run in different circles?

[HSMWB]

I don't think it's unreasonable for a parent not to want to be the sole financial support of the family. It's a huge responsibility, especially in these uncertain times.

 

How does he plan for the two of you to handle sick days, school vacation days, etc? You won't be able to keep a job and take off for all of them yourself; he will have to take some of them. Is he expecting that you will up and quit if his job takes you elsewhere again, or will you be able to stay long enough to build a career?

 

 

The idea of sick days has not even entered the discussion . . . yes, he fully expects me to follow him and his career, I have already followed him around the world once, and I would do it again with no reservations. But this is part of the reason I have not started my own consulting firm, it takes being in the same place for a while. . . and getting a full night of sleep which has only really began in earnest this past year, and this past year I have started doing barter and some things for money, although the money bring in part is not on my professional level (babysitting/daycare)

 

Remember she said 1)they've moved so much for HIS job she really couldn't work and 2)she has 3 small children.3)he wants her income for spending money and toys. 4)She is not refusing to work at risk of not being able to feed their children.

 

 

Actually we only have 2 small kids, the 3rd one is a daycare baby that I am watching 40 hours a week. A few months ago I thought the issue really was one of money and figured that this way I could make money and be home with the kids. Honestly it has not worked out as well as I would have hoped, it is very much like having 3 kids, and it has enforced that yes, we really are done with two.

 

 

 

 

Opps, he is home now, better stop talking about him. But I do appreciate the conversation, it has given me so much to think about. And no, we are not about to split up although yes, we do need to figure out how to work through this.

Edited April 22, 2011 by HSMWB
spelling

[Liz CA]

 

To me, it sounds like he assumed that once the kids were all in school, the OP would go back to her regular, high-paying job and their lifestyle would continue as it was. However, upon having children, the OP saw that she liked being a SAHM (or WAHM) and now thinks that homeschooling sounds like a good idea as well and the best choice for their (young) children and family.

 

 

 

Oh, I missed the part that they both were in agreement that she would resume work after the children were a little older. I just feel for her because I lived like that for all of 9 months (not because dh wanted us to but because I thought I could swing it while dh was getting his degree) and it blew up in my face. My dh was unhappy, ds was terrified because I had no patience left at the end of the day and I was miserable for being a horrible mother. It pains me to hear a mother yearning to raise her own children while the father thinks it's more important to make money - not out of necessity but for "fun" items. At least this is how I interpreted the OP's post.

[Rosie_0801]

The idea of sick days has not even entered the discussion . . . yes, he fully expects me to follow him and his career, I have already followed him around the world once, and I would do it again with no reservations.

 

Have you tried it from the angle of each of you following your dreams? None of us can have all our dreams, but it seems right that each person should be supported in working towards their most important dream.

 

My hubby has moved us a few times and swapped careers a few times, and that has been less than pleasant for me. The fact that his mother gave his father the "stop trying to start your own business and get a proper job that pays well or I won't marry you" ultimatum probably helped my hubby feel grateful that I have supported him in these things even when he knew I didn't really want to! He knows homeschooling is the most important of my dreams, and he knows the other dreams I've been willing to toss out in order to do this. That alone didn't convince him to allow it, but if I ask him why he is, he'll say "You want to, and I trust you'll do a good job." It might be slowing down his fourth most important dream, but he has the first three.

 

If the most important thing to your hubby is to have the freedom to up and move when he wants to, perhaps the angle you need to take is to demonstrate how your dream of homeschooling adds to his freedom for his most important thing. If you homeschool, the kids' education is not tied to a location so you really can follow him wherever he wants to go even if that is Central Asia. (One of the mums on here is there atm!)

 

It sounds as though he feels your lack of wages is a complete loss, as though it's money thrown away and and he's not getting anything in return. Really, though:

 

That money is paying for your children to be cared for by the person who knows and loves them best. They are not having to compete with anyone else's kids (who can't possibly be as deserving as his :tongue_smilie:)for attention from the caregiver.

 

It is paying for three people to be happy to see him when he gets home. If he thinks that has no value, try not being home one night. My hubby thinks after working all day he is entitled to smiles and kisses from the people he funds and feels quite despondent if we're not here! Even if I'm tired and grumpy, his best favourite little girl wants to climb up for cuddles because they can rest during the day so they are awake and happy when he gets home.

 

He is paying to know what these people he funds has been doing all day. My hubby has no value on that as yet, but my dad hated working so hard for "What did you do today?" "Nothing much." He is paying to be able to choose to be involved in his kids lives and actually know them as people. Someone on here said her hubby reads (or listens to audio books of) the abridged versions of the books their high schoolers are reading so he can join in dinner time discussions. Satori has some cute pics on her blog atm of their daughter conducting Saturday school for Daddy, with whiteboard and markers, even! My hubby was being educated on nursery rhymes by our girl this morning. :) (Seriously, he had never heard most of them!) Many of us blog too so our hubbies, amongst others, can see what's going on.

 

He is paying to have someone really, really appreciate that he does bother to get up and go to work. Even when you are arguing and you think he's your least favourite person, you are still grateful that he goes to work so you can be home. That's a handy way to remember why he really isn't you least favourite person ;).

 

He's paying for a decent dinner to be waiting for him on most, if not all nights and to get out of doing as much housework as he would need to otherwise.

 

There really is something in it for him. He probably doesn't realise it.

 

Rosie

Edited April 22, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[Ann]

I am facing this now and it is hard since there is no middle ground. For my DH it is better for me to afterschool and let my oldest go to public school. We have put him in a language immersion program so that he becomes bilingual which I know I could not provide. If things do not go well he will be much more willing to embrace homeschooling. Also, at the moment, we are lucky I am working since I am the sole breadwinner due to DH being unemployed. I agree you do need to discuss with him what happens on summer holidays, sick days, etc.- he probably has not thought of that. Also you will probably want to get a housekeeper so that you can enjoy your toys- that costs money.

 

In my DH's case while he does want to maintain a certain lifestyle he finally admitted that deep down he does not want our sons to grow up in poverty like he did because his mom stayed at home. I cannot discount his experiences either. So I am now content to work on God's timing for this and I keep praying.

[Haiku]

Any ideas on how to change his mind?

 

First, I would point out to him that being a working mom with kids in daycare/school is not the life that you want. I think that should matter to your husband. He is advocating for you to make a huge shift in your lifestyle.

 

Second, I would tell my dh that I would like one year to homeschool and see how it goes, and after that you will be open to discussing where to go from there.

 

Tara

[UnsinkableKristen]

Oh, I missed the part that they both were in agreement that she would resume work after the children were a little older. I just feel for her because I lived like that for all of 9 months (not because dh wanted us to but because I thought I could swing it while dh was getting his degree) and it blew up in my face. My dh was unhappy, ds was terrified because I had no patience left at the end of the day and I was miserable for being a horrible mother. It pains me to hear a mother yearning to raise her own children while the father thinks it's more important to make money - not out of necessity but for "fun" items. At least this is how I interpreted the OP's post.

 

 

Oh no, you could be right as well. I was just trying to look at things from what his point of view MIGHT be. You really could be spot on.

 

I'm so glad you are now able to be at home :)

[Peela]

Have you tried it from the angle of each of you following your dreams? None of us can have all our dreams, but it seems right that each person should be supported in working towards their most important dream.

 

 

 

I really like that angle.

[Scarlett]

You have no idea how I feel your pain. Our disagreement left me with the choice of continuing to homeschool or remaining married and enrolling the kids in public school. I chose to remain married. This makes it sound like a fairly clear decision, but it was the hardest one I've ever made.

 

That was exactly where I was 2 years ago. I was distraught but I felt I owed it to my son to keep his FOO intact, more than I owed it to ds to hs him. In my case I discovered XH was involved in an affair....and that led to a divorce. As bad as it is to have my son's FOO broken, at least I have full custody and can hs him now---and I do not even have to discuss it with XH! Whew.

 

I truly believe in MY case, that XH wanted me to go back to work so that in the event he was caught (cheating) his alimony liability would have been lessened. However...

 

I never quite figured out what he wanted more....ds in public school or me working.

[LidiyaDawn]

Honestly? I didn't ask my husband… it was more of a "hey, guess what dd and I are gonna do this september instead?" thing. (both kids were in PS for a few years, she came out first)

 

I'm not saying it's the right approach for everyone.. but it worked for us. He raised his eyebrows, shook his head, rolled his eyes, and chalked it up to another "my wife is weird" moment.. that was five years ago. ;)

[BarbecueMom]

My DH is 100% on board with homeschooling and stay-at-home parenting, but my dad is adamantly opposed to both. In his view of parenting, children and parents should essentially lead lives separate of each other, which flies in the face of the homeschooling mentality. To him, children go to school and parents have jobs, and even afterschooling is an intrusion by the parent on the the "school" aspect of the child's life.

 

He's not being a jerk (I think), but due to his experience (part-time dad and single until 40, on his "second family", raised by hands-off parents) this is his view of parenting. It would have to be a pretty dire situation to convince him to "let" his wife stay home, let alone shoulder part of his kids' education.

 

I joke at times that he feels children should be neither seen nor heard. I'm only half kidding.

 

ETA: I should add that I don't think every father who marries later and/or has a "second family" is going to approach parenting like this. My dad had just lived so long doing whatever he felt like (except paying child support), he wasn't willing to sacrifice that to include a wife and kids. Some men are, but not him.

Edited April 22, 2011 by BarbecueMom

[Dmmetler]

DH was very reluctant, but after DD really didn't learn anything in K, even with a private school that was trying to accommodate her, DH agreed to try homeschooling for a year. He wanted to keep records and do standardized testing, (which we're doing next week) because he didn't want DD to end up "behind" academically (which was kind of silly, given that the whole problem in K was that she was about 3 years ahead of the class and was bored out of her mind!).

 

 

At this point, after most of a year, he's pretty sold on it. He likes that DD can stay up and see him, and we can shift her schedule to fit his work schedule, and that we can travel with a lot more flexibility. He also likes what he sees DD doing-that, for example, she's on page 7 of the story she's writing, and that Singapore Math fits his view of what good math should look like.

 

He also likes that we're saving 6K a year in tuition-which more than pays for DD's curriculum, some extra dance classes, and all the extra, fun, bells and whistles.

 

He does like that I've managed to lose weight while homeschooling-which I blame on the fact that PE is part of DD's school day, so I'm getting out and riding bikes or walking to the park and throwing a ball around with her, while previously I let her teachers at school do the actual teaching, and I'd sit and watch her play outside after school on the playground.

 

 

He doesn't like that the house is much more chaotic, because I don't have any time when she's at school to clean, which I had when she was in preschool and kindergarten, and that I'm often exhausted by the time he gets home (which means that I'm less interested in TeA). We still haven't quite found a way to get our bodies into sync-which has been an ongoing problem since DD was born, but I do think is worse this year.

[Rivka]

Before I proceed to the OP I'm going to make an earnest request that people refrain from comments that working women "aren't raising their own kids" or "are having someone else raise their kids." It's not true, and it's inflammatory and hurtful.

 

Okay, moving on:

 

OP, as others have said, I wonder if your husband fully understands everything that will be involved in being a two-career family with kids. Does he envision his career or home responsibilities changing at all if you go back to work, or is he expecting that he will be able to carry on as he always has while you handle your job, the house, and the kids?

 

I want to work, and still I expect my husband to take care of his full share of home responsibilities. If I didn't want to work but was doing it because of pressure from him, that would go double or triple.

 

I'm guessing that a lot of what needs to happen to keep the family running smoothly is invisible to your husband, because you just take care of it. Is that right? If so, it might help to make a list - as complete as you can manage - of everything that will need to get done, and approach it from the perspective of "If I go back to work, which half of these responsibilities are you going to accept and will you have to change your work schedule to accomodate them?"

 

Make sure it includes things like:

- Keeping track of when the kids need to see the doctor/dentist, and scheduling appointments

- Taking time off work to take the kids to the doctor/dentist

- Staying home on snow days

- Staying home when the kids are sick

- Staying home on teacher in-service days and minor holidays

- Arranging to be home to let a repair or service person in

- Dropping the kids off at daycare/school

- Picking the kids up from daycare/school

- Packing lunches and snacks for kids to take to daycare/school

- Getting the kids up, washed, dressed, breakfasted, and ready to go

- Getting the kids fed, washed, and to bed on time so they will be ready to get up in the morning.

- Breakfast dishes

- Grocery shopping

- Buying clothes and shoes for the kids

- Cooking dinner

- Dinner dishes

- X loads of laundry per week

Etc., etc., etc.

 

Take it from me, as a working parent: all of those things have to be squeezed in before or after work or on weekends. You don't actually have all that much less to do at home when you have a job outside the home. Someone has to do it all. He's not going to have time to enjoy the expensive toys, etc. he wants to buy, because he's going to be coming home to half the household responsibilities.