Is it me? Toddler in church question (long!)

[AndyJoy]

I need some feedback!

 

I've always liked the idea of attending church worship as a family. At previous churches I've attended, "children's church" seemed to stretch far too long into elementary school and the transition to "big church" was hard and abrupt. I vowed that my future 7-year-old would never be singing goofy songs and watching puppets on video during the service.

 

I now attend a church that doesn't have children's church and encourages families to worship together. Most people keep their babies and toddlers with them, and we all tolerate a lot more in the way of happy baby noises than a lot of churches I've attended.

 

Other people keep their babies and toddlers with them successfully. Us? Not so much.

 

I'd like to know if there is something I am doing wrong, something I could do to teach my toddler to sit with us longer, or if he just isn't the type of kid who can handle this at 18 months and I need to stop worrying about it until he's older.

 

Here's a snapshot of my kid and the challenges with keeping him in the service.

 

He is really intense and stubborn. This is not surprising considering his pedigree. In fact, I might be asking for a paternity and maternity test if he were very laid back.:D He remembers that the toys are in the nursery, where his favorite people are sitting, where the snacks are kept, and (at Christmas time) where the Christmas tree with the shiny ornaments was. He will not rest until he gets to what he wants. If you distract him for several minutes, or even 15, he will suddenly remember what he wanted and go for it again!

 

He is super verbal. He doesn't just look at things--he converses about them in full "paragraphs" of jabbering while pointing. If he sees an item that he can name, he repeats it loudly over and over again while pointing excitedly. We had to take him out of the service once because another little boy 3 rows behind us had a ball!

 

He is insanely social. EVERYONE comments on it, including moms with kids his age. He waves to everyone, accosts strangers by saying "hi, hi, hi", runs up to people grinning, cries if people leave the park, and even cried when the dr. left the room at his 15-month checkup. She said his checkup was one of the easiest she'd ever done because he was so engaged with her and curious.

 

I know these are "typical" issues for moms of 18-month-olds, but I think this kid is just MORE intense, verbal, and social than most.

 

If we try to keep him in the service, he wants to squirm out of our laps and go greet each and every person in the room individually. Or, he wants to run off to the nursery to play with the toys. Once he gets there, however, he pounds on the door screaming and crying to be let out because he knows all the people are in the other room. If there is another kid in the room, he is ok with staying and playing.

 

Right now, we try to keep him with us for the first few songs, but he gets loud almost immediately during the scripture reading following and has to go out. Since there are no other kids in the nursery at this point (as they're all sitting quite happily with their families), he freaks out at being separated from the action. Thus, dh has been taking him for a walk outside while I sing with the worship team, then he slips back into the nursery if he sees someone else take their kid in. We switch off who stays with him during the sermon each week. Occasionally we both sit in the service while another mom we trust watches him and her own child.

 

No one has overtly criticized us, but I've definitely gotten hints, especially from the family with the super-calm-personality toddler who sits on his grandpa's lap angelically the whole time. I care less about their opinions than about my own personal expectations I've built up of what a child "should" be capable of. Please help me decide if I need to fix something or change my expectations.

 

I'd appreciate some feedback!

[snipsnsnailsx5]

Uggh I can relate! lol

 

At our church, everyone attends the main "service" together. Babies and all. ;)

The Sunday school and kids' classes are usually afterwards (although right now because of the schedule we're on this year, our Sunday school classes are first).

 

I have a 24 mo old right now. Its so hard to get him to sit through an hour of being quiet. He's a shrieker. lol He doesn't whisper. Often I am taking him quickly out into the hall after he's bonked his head on the pew and started crying loudly.

 

But the good thing is that I'm not the only one. Often there are four or five other moms out there with their kicking, screaming toddlers also.

It helps knowing that they all understand.

I used to really panic at the thought of my kids being loud, but I've had so many other mothers, young and old, come up to me and tell me to really really not worry about it...its to be expected. Several of the older ladies without young children at home anymore even say that they like to hear the babies talk and laugh. :)

 

Lately what I've found working is bringing a variety of picture books that change each Sunday. My little one especially loves the pop up books or ones with flaps to open. He'll look at one book for a good 15 min before moving on to the next....four books later and before you know it the service is over. lol

 

HTH!

[sahm99]

Expecting an 18-months old to sit calmly for more than 35 seconds is not very realistic (says the mother of the 18 months old:lol:).

 

There are a few kids who might manage (dd1 would have), but it is not something I would consider the norm.

And while I think your goal should be to have him sit quietly for an hour or so, I don't even think you should attempt "training" him at his age...

 

Did you try giving him something to eat?

Ds's Sunday morning breakfast consists of a big package of bisquits these days:D...(eaten during Mass!)

 

Good Luck! ...and, yes, it WILL get better!

[2squared]

I am sure you will get a huge variety of answers to this question. I can only tell you what our solution to this stage has been, and our solution has evolved over time.

 

With our first two, we would have sat at the back of the church, taken our toddlers to walk around when they go to be too much, and brought in toys/snacks to entertain them. It worked and got us through the horrible toddler stage. Both toddlers were average in their behaviors.

 

With the last two we sat sit in the very first pew. We didn't bring any toys or snacks other than perhaps one bible board book (dh likes the book, I don't). The toddler's feet didn't touch the ground during the mass except maybe for when we are all standing anyway. Dh ends up doing most of the holding since he is stronger and I'm often pregnant by the time we reach this stage. We hold said toddler and whisper in his/her ear as distraction, but really, they got normalized to being held for the entire service. We've used this method successfully with one very willful toddler :glare: and one average toddler.

 

Both methods have gotten us through this very, very difficult stage. The first method seemed easier at the time, but it was more stressful.

 

ETA: If we have to take our toddler out of a service, their feet don't touch the ground then either. We don't want to reward them. These kids are smart. They know that running around the church basement is infinitely more fun than sitting through mass. :)

Edited March 28, 2011 by 2squared

[Vanna]

At our church (and other sister churches) we have our kids in the nursery till about age 3 or 4. Afterwards, parents will start training their children to sit quietly through services. This training starts at home during family devotion times, in which the children learn to sit and listen to biblical teaching from Dad and/or Mom for short periods of time. Then, for church services, we try to ease them into it by first having them sit through only a portion of the service, then take them to the nursery for the rest, gradually lengthening the time sitting in service and eventually eliminating nursery visits altogether.

 

I think 18 mos. old is too young to train a child to sit through service. Of course, you have some children of a more subdued temperment that can sit at that age quietly, but I think of that as more of the exception, not the norm.

 

Do you have access to a room to keep your ds out of the services for now (you don't have a nursery at this church, right)? You could bring some Bible books and little toys to keep him entertained (yes, this might mean you'll be missing services, but think of it as just for a season). I'm just thinking that if it were me in this situation, I'd just "wait it out" till he was old enough to train.

[KellyKelley]

My middle child is like that and even at 5.5 she can not sit still through church. My oldest is fine and even the baby does ok but there is no childcare for 5 and up on Sunday nights and I just don't go then because my dh is usually out of town and with 3 upstairs by my self we are the entertainment or I wind up sitting in the nursery with all 3 of mine and I do not enjoy going to church to sit in the nursery.

[....]

Our church has one service and everybody stays in the service (we're Lutheran). There's no nursery or children's church or anything like that. We also have about 30-50 people at service, so you notice when something's going on.

 

My biggest success has been bringing coloring stuff with us and Bendaroos. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT bring a herd of plastic horsies with you...I found that out the hard way...they were neighing and galloping all over the pews. It was horrible.

 

A lot of Lutheran churches have a cry room (that glass room at the back of the sanctuary so you can still participate in service) and we end up sitting in there a lot.

 

My 3yro has parts of the liturgy memorized (I guess from sitting thru so many services) and will start singing random parts during inappropriate times - which gets people to turn around to look. Oops. That was us. Sorry. :D

 

My 3 yro also took off in a sprint to the altar one Sunday (but one of the ushers caught her). Not sure why...:tongue_smilie:

 

Yeah, I wish there was a secret to making them sit still. Like I said, Bendaroos and drawing pictures is the only thing that's worked for me. I usually attend service by myself with 4 kids, too. That's fun.

[Melissa in Australia]

Boy, this thread reminded me of what it was like when I was a child. we went to a church that had 3 services a week. All children were expected to sit quietly with their parents. Any child that was nosy was taken out and spanked. Some children were taken out very often.

I don't attend church , and have have not done this to my children, just reminiscing on how it was years and years ago in my childhood.

[....]

Boy, this thread reminded me of what it was like when I was a child. we went to a church that had 3 services a week. All children were expected to sit quietly with their parents. Any child that was nosy was taken out and spanked. Some children were taken out very often.

I don't attend church , and have have not done this to my children, just reminiscing on how it was years and years ago in my childhood.

 

 

This is the kind of "church" my parents dragged us to when we were kids. To this day, NONE of my sisters or cousins will step foot in a church.

[TheCoffeeChick]

I also go to a church in which all the children stay for the worship service. The best advice we ever got was on an especially rough day with our then 2 y.o. ds from one of the elderly women at church. I was getting ready to take him out of church for what seemed like the umpteenth time that morning and she discretely grabbed me right before I got out the door and told me, "Just about everybody in here either has little ones or has had little ones in the past and we ALL understand the noise. Stay in here - children need to hear the Word of God, too. He will eventually stop being so loud."

 

Most people do have pity for those with toddlers because they have BTDT. :grouphug:

 

For us, we brought a small, quiet snack that didn't make crumbs (Grapes were a popular one for us), something to draw with (either a magnadoodle or crayons and paper), and a church book (you know, those ones that are made of fabric that have different things for you to do like button, zip, tie, or flip things). We also moved to the front of the church (they could see what was going on up front better) and only left if they were seriously wailing. We went straight to the bathroom, where they could calm down without anything fun to play with and went straight back to the pew when the noise stopped.

 

:grouphug: I hope you can find something that works for you.

 

Here's a link to a quiet book like I was describing: http://fowlerfam.blogspot.com/2008/02/quiet-book.html

Oh, and here's a link to a whole blog on how to make one: http://www.quietbook.blogspot.com/

Edited March 28, 2011 by BramFam

[JFSinIL]

Is there more than one service? It sounds as if you need to tag team going for now, so 18-month-old does not need to be there at all.

[teachmejoy]

I read a book once that talked about how we sometimes forget to train our children ahead of time for things. (I can't remember which book it is now... :confused:) Anyway, the author suggested teaching the child that there are times when it's important to sit quiet and still and to practice before church. For example, have a "sit quiet time" each day starting with just a few minutes, holding the child firmly in your lap and not letting them squirm. You can whisper to them and help them through the time. Gradually through the week you increase the amount of time. I've not tried this, but I should! it sounds like it could work. Children are capable of learning behavior and this is one that needs to be learned.

 

Another book that I've been wanting to get is called Parenting in the Pew and I don't know the author, but it looks really good!

[Dmmetler]

I've found that the best place for DD to sit in church is at the FRONT, but where there's a clear path of egress if we need it. In our church, that means sitting by where the choir comes in, and planning to escape that way if needed. When she could see what was going on, that filled her need for stimulation MUCH more than sitting in the back. She mostly was held by DH or I at age 1-2, by age 3 usually would sit and "Take notes" (IE, draw in her notebook), and at age 6, follows the sermon outline and fills in the blanks. Now, if I could just convince her NOT to answer Pastor's rhetorical questions. Out loud. And if I could just convince most of the rest of the church not to positively reinforce this behavior....

 

I let her bring one quiet, stuffed friend to church (who comes with ME to Sunday School. Nothing like arriving for adult bible study with a stuffed tyrannosaurus wearing a tutu!)-and she is responsible for showing her friend how to behave. At about age 5, she stopped that on her own.

 

We're Lutheran, if that matters.

[dirty ethel rackham]

 

With the last two we sat sit in the very first pew. We didn't bring any toys or snacks other than perhaps one bible board book (dh likes the book, I don't). The toddler's feet didn't touch the ground during the mass except maybe for when we are all standing anyway. Dh ends up doing most of the holding since he is stronger and I'm often pregnant by the time we reach this stage. We hold said toddler and whisper in his/her ear as distraction, but really, they got normalized to being held for the entire service. We've used this method successfully with one very willful toddler :glare: and one average toddler.

 

Both methods have gotten us through this very, very difficult stage. The first method seemed easier at the time, but it was more stressful.

 

 

 

We did the whisper through the mass thing with ours when they were toddlers. Sitting up front was a big change for us, but it gave them something to look at besides the backs of other people's heads;). At home, we practiced church voices. We played whispering games so my kids knew how to whisper in church. Giving them a play-by-play in their ears really helped them with their impulsiveness.

 

We did often take a break in the middle of mass and take one for a walk to the drinking fountain - those little bodies seem to need to work off something.

 

Also, it was really important for our kids to have had breakfast before we went and it had to be something low sugar and plenty of protein.

[Cinder]

My firstborn was much like your ds--except for the socially outgoing part. Strong-willed, intense, verbal--that's him. Which is totally opposite of dh and me as we're more laid-back. Anyway, we like to worship together as a family, but we had to put ds in nursery when he was around 9mos old. He could already walk at that age and insisted on getting up and moving around. He was no longer content to sit on our laps. We put him in the nursery until he was almost 2yo. The only reason I stopped leaving him was that dh's unit (military) was sent away for a couple months. Dh usually took ds to the nursery and all was fine. But when dh was gone and I took ds all heck broke loose. Ds would scream and cry without end and the frazzled nursery workers would give up after awhile and come and get me. The church we were at had an entry area where the ushers greeted people. There was a pew across the back, and speakers piped in the service. So I spent the couple months listening to and watching the service from back there.

 

Ds1 really wasn't able to sit still for the whole service until he was about 5yo. Fortunately each pastor of the churches we attended up to that point was accepting of families trying to train their kids to sit through the service as long as those families were respectful of others and removed disruptive kids from the sanctuary.

 

Ds2 was always able to sit quietly through the service. Dd has mostly been able to sit quietly, though at this church we moved to the balcony because she moves about enough to possibly be a distraction to others.

 

Don't feel bad if you need to put your son in nursery or children's church. Sometimes it just works for the better.

 

ETA: Ditto on sitting close to the front where the child can see what's happening. It helps hold their attention. Also, when our church offered it, we went to the early service--8:00--so ds wouldn't be quite "up" yet. The first church I mentioned above had only an 11:00 service.

Edited March 28, 2011 by Cinder

[mom2scouts]

:lol::lol::lol::lol: The comment about bringing a herd of plastic horsies has me sitting here alone at the computer laughing uncontrollably. Thanks for the advice. I don't think we want neighing and galloping across the pews.

[Ellie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I didn't grow up in the church. When our dc were little (born 1975 and 1978) we weren't attending churches where it was common for people to bring their dc into church for services (even though Mr. Ellie had grown up in a church that did). So it never occurred to me *not* to put my infants/toddlers in the nursery.

 

So it bugs me a little when children are very noisy and busy, but I get over it :001_smile: unless the children are, say, 7 or 8 and are still annoying.:glare: These are children who clearly do NOT have any issues, KWIM? They are just being pains. They're old enough to know better.

 

Anyway, I have read that some people work with their little dc at home to teach them to sit quietly, a few minutes at a time, several times a day, every day. I don't know if that's something that is possible for you to do or not.

 

But this, too, shall pass. :001_smile:

[Parrothead]

Church-only toys and church-only snacks might help.

 

I don't agree with the whole children's church thing. To that end I am willing to put up with quite a bit during church. I'd rather see a tot munching happily on whatever makes him happy. The same with toys. A bit of car noises shouldn't bother anyone.

 

You might want to consider changing pews for a while until you find the spot that works for ds. He might be best up front where he can see what is going on.

[MindyD]

I haven't read all the responses, but if a church doesn't have a nursery, then it's understood (imo) that your service will be filled with kid noises. Snacks have always helped us make the transition and books were good for us. You can try coloring, but honestly it was more trouble than help sometimes. Crayons would go everywhere! Anyway, the church can't have it both ways: no nursery AND quiet service.

[3lilreds in NC]

We were VERY blessed to attend a church with a "family chapel." It was a room upstairs where they had a video feed of the service, and people could go in there with their small children who didn't like the nursery. I had one of those.

 

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you. You have quite the little social bug! None of mine were ever that excited about other people. I wonder if there is a way you could let him talk to other folks until service starts, and then teach him that he needs to be quiet until after, when he can talk to more people? It would be a training process, of course, and maybe you'd have to leave church immediately following the service on a Sunday when things didn't go so well to show him that he doesn't get the social interaction if he is unreasonably loud during the service.

 

I am picturing the Sunday (in February) when my 3-year-old ran away from his grandparents, all the way around the pews in the front of the church, and down the center aisle to get to me. :lol: This was just recently. Normally he does very well in church but he does not like to be told he can't have his mama!

 

Our little people can be a challenge in church. :grouphug: Good thing they're cute!

[Garga]

No advice, but boy, do I feel for you! Out of the moms with kids the same age, my son was always the most noisy/wiggly/etc. Many parents don't understand just how hard it is when you have one of those inquisitive all-over-the-place kinds of kids.

 

I didn't do it (because I didn't think of it!) but I'm thinking that the idea of training a kid to be still each day might work. Oh, wait a minute. It might not work. I just remembered trying to get my son to be quiet for longer than 5 seconds one week. We worked on it every day for a week. He NEVER made it to 5 seconds without making a noise. 5 seconds. Seriously. I gave up in despair (and thought about how if we had been Jews hiding from the gestapo in a hidden room, that we'd have been found in under 5 seconds. Good thing we weren't hiding from the secret police.)

 

So, I do understand and feel for you.

[Purple Sage]

My kids, now 11 and 13, have sat in 2-3 services of an hour long every week since they were born, and never had too many problems with behavior. When they did we just quietly left the room for about 30 seconds and when they realized they were not getting down and were not going to play until the service was over they quit fighting, went back in and we sat back down. There was one particularly horrid experience with my oldest that went on for one entire service, in and out, in and out, but that was the only time ever that it was that bad...and one mother of 7 was about to burst out giggling watching me! Then afterwards she told me that all the moms there had been through it at least once!

 

We did the whole taking lots of books thing and just kept handing them books. We also "practiced" at home with quiet time every day. My kids gave up naps pretty young, but we had quiet time anyway, they sat on the couch for increasing amounts of time, totally quiet, and looked at books.

 

I really think that in the long run, throughout life, a kid who has learned to sit quietly will do better and be more successful, than one who cannot sit to save their life.

 

I have been around kids who absolutely, at 10 and 12, could not sit still for an hour. I feel sorry for them. Their lives are going to be harder for not developing that skill.

 

The trick is consistency and make it less fun to be out than it is to be in!

[VA6336]

My very stubborn son has always been quickly and immediately fascinated by toy cars. So, me and my brilliant self thought I'd bring a few in my bag to pull out about 2/3 of the way through Mass (when that stubborn son starts to act up).

 

Big mistake! At the QUIETEST point of the service, there's a very loud "HOOONK! HOOOONK!" and everyone turns and looks at us... :blushing: It was one of those "could a sinkhole please open up and swallow me NOW?" sort of moments. :leaving:

[Starr]

I eventually worked the child/church thing backwards. We start off in the nursery and end in church. It works for us since communion is the last part of the service. I found that bringing them in for 15 minutes at the end and increasing worked well. These kids that are verbal processors are tough. :D My first one would go to the beginning of the service in big church in NYC and loudly take role of which clergy and acolytes she saw at 2yrs. :lol: By 3 -4 they can draw, look at the children's Bible and entertain themselves much better. If the little guy needs the nursery most of the time for a while I wouldn't sweat it.He'll be a teen soon.

[fairfarmhand]

 

I think 18 mos. old is too young to train a child to sit through service. Of course, you have some children of a more subdued temperment that can sit at that age quietly, but I think of that as more of the exception, not the norm.

 

 

 

I agree. If he does need to go out, I would try to find a room where he could sit quietly with you, so as to not "reward" him for loudness.

[Wyndie]

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you. You have quite the little social bug! None of mine were ever that excited about other people. I wonder if there is a way you could let him talk to other folks until service starts, and then teach him that he needs to be quiet until after, when he can talk to more people? It would be a training process, of course, and maybe you'd have to leave church immediately following the service on a Sunday when things didn't go so well to show him that he doesn't get the social interaction if he is unreasonably loud during the service.

 

My youngest has been with us in service her whole life. We did nursery with the bigger kids but not her. She is VERY social and her stage whisper is quite loud. She also has a friend her age who sits in the early part of service and they used to love waving wildly at each other during church. It was very, very, very exhausting for a few years. lol We did as 3lilreds suggested and told her she could chat before and after but not during unless the pastor gives us a "welcome" time during the service. We brought stuff but could never find anything that didn't cause more of a commotion. Last year I got smart and had her start listening for the pastor to say her name (her name is a very popular church word ;) ) and she would count it. At the end, she would go tell the pastor how many times he said her name. lol

 

About two weeks ago, we got to church very late. The only seats were in the very front row. :tongue_smilie: That was our BEST week behavior wise. She was perfect b/c she could see everything and I wouldn't let her turn around to chat with people behind us. I also told her everyone was watching and would see her being naughty. :lol: I highly recommend front row seating and then just training. People just have to be understanding of kid noises... most people can ignore low level noises and those who can't just have to understand that kids are not going to sit quietly for that long.

 

Good luck!! I haven't gotten a thing out of the church service in years until just recently... all that time spent trying to keep my wiggly social kid in check was exhausting!

[Retired]

Boy, this thread reminded me of what it was like when I was a child. we went to a church that had 3 services a week. All children were expected to sit quietly with their parents. Any child that was nosy was taken out and spanked. Some children were taken out very often.

I don't attend church , and have have not done this to my children, just reminiscing on how it was years and years ago in my childhood.

 

I got my church spankings and it had a lasting impact on me. I didn't step back in a church until I was 28.

 

I had bad memories of church and it took years to see God a peaceful, loving father rather than a task master that I could never do right

[musicianmom]

I have a lot of regrets about fighting my oldest so hard to try and make her be still and quiet in church. I was determined to make it happen, and nothing really worked. It just caused unnecessary conflict. Things finally clicked when she was close to 3 1/2, but she still has no interest in what's going on. She just reads the whole time.

 

I didn't even try with my next daughter, and she went to the nursery until about 2 1/2. She has had an easier time in church, and actually seems interested in what's going on.

[Starr]

My youngest has been with us in service her whole life. We did nursery with the bigger kids but not her. She is VERY social and her stage whisper is quite loud. She also has a friend her age who sits in the early part of service and they used to love waving wildly at each other during church. It was very, very, very exhausting for a few years. lol We did as 3lilreds suggested and told her she could chat before and after but not during unless the pastor gives us a "welcome" time during the service. We brought stuff but could never find anything that didn't cause more of a commotion. Last year I got smart and had her start listening for the pastor to say her name (her name is a very popular church word ;) ) and she would count it. At the end, she would go tell the pastor how many times he said her name. lol

 

About two weeks ago, we got to church very late. The only seats were in the very front row. :tongue_smilie: That was our BEST week behavior wise. She was perfect b/c she could see everything and I wouldn't let her turn around to chat with people behind us. I also told her everyone was watching and would see her being naughty. :lol: I highly recommend front row seating and then just training. People just have to be understanding of kid noises... most people can ignore low level noises and those who can't just have to understand that kids are not going to sit quietly for that long.

 

Good luck!! I haven't gotten a thing out of the church service in years until just recently... all that time spent trying to keep my wiggly social kid in check was exhausting!

 

:iagree: Yes for where they can see!

[angela in ohio]

My kids, now 11 and 13, have sat in 2-3 services of an hour long every week since they were born, and never had too many problems with behavior. When they did we just quietly left the room for about 30 seconds and when they realized they were not getting down and were not going to play until the service was over they quit fighting, went back in and we sat back down. There was one particularly horrid experience with my oldest that went on for one entire service, in and out, in and out, but that was the only time ever that it was that bad...and one mother of 7 was about to burst out giggling watching me! Then afterwards she told me that all the moms there had been through it at least once!

You know you'e doing it right if it is a LOT of work at first. :001_smile:

We did the whole taking lots of books thing and just kept handing them books. We also "practiced" at home with quiet time every day. My kids gave up naps pretty young, but we had quiet time anyway, they sat on the couch for increasing amounts of time, totally quiet, and looked at books.

 

I really think that in the long run, throughout life, a kid who has learned to sit quietly will do better and be more successful, than one who cannot sit to save their life.

We've had some tough situations in which having dc who could sit quietly and control themselves was a life saver.

I have been around kids who absolutely, at 10 and 12, could not sit still for an hour. I feel sorry for them. Their lives are going to be harder for not developing that skill.

 

The trick is consistency and make it less fun to be out than it is to be in!

 

:iagree:

 

OP, I don't think you can assume that other kiddos who are sitting still just have a different personality, either. Once you have several dc with different personalities, you start to see that the parenting does make a big difference regardless of the child's personality.

 

I think you've gotten yourself into a position that is going to take a lot of work to get out of, because he is used to going back and forth at will. I would come up with one plan, whether it is nursery or not or a combination of both, and then stick to that. Whatever it is, though, I would make sure that it is your lead, not his. :001_smile: If you are going to do worship team, it's probably best to let dh decide how he wants to handle it, as he is "on duty."

 

No matter what, enjoy this time. Before you know it, that toddler will be going off to driver's ed. :(

[SonshineLearner]

What I've heard, from families where it "worked" is that family worship time is done each night. You "train" them to stay with you and obey. Not making any judgement calls either way.... Depends on your family style :)

[indigomama]

This is very tough and I totally understand! For us, I have to wrangle all four kids by myself because my DH is the worship leader. I have even on occasion had escapees go up to daddy to sing with him:blushing:!

 

What has worked (most the time) is to practice, practice,practice before we get to church. We go over how we sit, when it's okay for them to stand ( I let my DC stand whenever they want during the actual singing because I often stand myself during worship) and that when someone is praying or reading scripture we are to be silent.

 

Then every Sunday on the drive to church, I review our rules. Even with the littlest ones. And most of the time this works.

 

If they are a little loud or a little restless, I'm ok with that, like someone else said most people have or had kids and they understand. If I have to leave the service for some reason, they do not get to go to the nursery or take a walk, they are not rewarded for bad behavior, they are told what they did was not ok and we stand in the hall. Kind of a tangent but when DH and I were dating and first married his sister was 18mon-2yrs if she got fussy at a restaurant FIL would take her outside for a walk, it set up years of his leaving the family to take her outside because she would raise terror until he did, it bothered me to no end.

 

Hope you find something that works, you've been given lots of great advice:)

[CAMom]

I've only read a few responses but we've had our strong willed, loud child in with us since he was born.:)

 

He was about 3 1/2 before we were able to stop taking him out of church every single week. We would try to get him to stay just a minute or two longer every week.

 

Does your church have a liturgy? Ours does (Presbyterian) and that really helped us. He began to recognize each part and even started to participate at a very young age. We began to tell him things like, "Let's see if you can remember how to say the Lord's prayer (or sing the doxology, etc.)." We finally got him to where he could stay until "Pastor Bob starts his long talk (aka: the sermon)." Then my dh or I would keep him in the stroller and take him for a walk outside.

 

We didn't punish him at that age but we didn't give him the option to just play. He liked going for a walk but I didn't want him to think it was just playtime.

 

Here are some things we used to pack up into his backpack and take with us to keep him occupied: stickers and paper on a clipboard, Thomas the Tank Engine alphabet flashcards, a small notebook and colored pencils, a Hot Wheels car, a ziploc of cheerios or goldfish, etc. His bag didn't have all of these every week. We would usually have two options to keep him busy. As he would quietly play with these, he would make it just a little farther into the service each week.

 

Now he's 5. He still has to be taken outside on rare occasion but now it for one of us to tell him that he needs to sit still and be quiet and then we're right back in.;) We do let him bring a small magnadoodle with him.

 

It took a lot of work and a lot of persistence but it paid off. He participates in all parts of the service and can often tell us a little about what was talked about in the sermon.

 

I think it's unrealistic to expect that type of personality to sit quietly through a whole service at that age but it's not unrealistic to start encouraging him to do so.:)

[simka2]

Our situation is a bit different. I have 4 kids who have gone to some sort of nursery or children's church their enitre lives. Recently, we have begun attending a liturgical church that believes in keeping the family together.

 

I realized we were going to have to gradually acclimate the kids (esp. the wiggly twins) to this type os service. Thankfully, there are lots of other kids. Moms and dads move about with them, walk them out to the lobby to look at pictures, take them outside to run a bit.

 

I bring some books, a small toy, or drawing paper. Since the services are liturgical there is a rythmn to them. I can tell the kids, "When we are past this point you may go to the bathroom, get out your colors, go look at the icons.

 

Our priest said to think of it as "training wheels." Gradually, they will gain the strength they need, but it's okay for them to be the unique individual God created them to be.

[annlaura]

Our church has wooden pews, and when DS4 was a toddler, I managed to not think through Schleich animals, Hotwheels, and Foogo water bottles. And shoes. Yikes. I bought several different little colorforms-type sets, a soft cloth farm set that has cloth barn to carry, and lots of miniature coloring books. This didn't stop the talking, but did keep him fairly occupied and in the pew. The people who regularly sat behind us would help me entertain him or hold him sometimes too. And it is a Lutheran church, so there is a cry room if we need it. We haven't been going for a while for other reasons, but I will admit that there were Sundays after DS19mo was born that I didn't go because I couldn't deal with wrangling both boys on my own if DH was working. Wimpy, I'm sure, but it's hard with the littles. Hope you get through.

[annlaura]

Also, our church has a bin on the back pew with ziploc bags for children. Each has a stuffed animal, book, paper, crayons, and fruit snack. These were great until DS4 decided he needed a different one every 10 minutes. But then he got past that phase, and they were great again.

[ChemMommy]

Someone put one of those cars that you pull back and then the car takes off in the "TOT TOTES" for children at our church. You got it! Ds pulled that baby back and the car shot forward, clearing several pews of worshipers before hitting someone's foot and losing momentum. Needless the say, it was noisy, the owner of the foot was startled, and the toddler was loudly upset about the loss of the car.

 

 

I definitely support moving to the front of the church, near an escape, to help wiggly toddlers. They see better and there are fewer little children around to encourage them in noisy behavior.

 

We also used the "The Rule in church is that you must not whisper during the sermon". Our kids took that very seriously and would wait for the sermon to be silent. I could see them almost bursting with questions until the sermon was over. (We left one church when the sermon was routinely 45 minutes--too much hassle for our family). We also bribed them with "church candy", rolls of smarties. Yes, the wrapper crinkles, but the little candies can be stacked and sorted by little hands and the candy isn't sticky or messy.

 

Can't say I really worshiped or heard sermons completely for many years, but kids can learn. Frankly, it sounds like your son will struggle to be quiet in church no matter what you do. Just remove him to a boring spot (not the nursery) when he gets noisy and accept that he is who he is at this stage!

 

Blessings and patience to you!!

[Cinder]

We also bribed them with "church candy", rolls of smarties. Yes, the wrapper crinkles, but the little candies can be stacked and sorted by little hands and the candy isn't sticky or messy.

 

 

Oh, this reminds me of an older woman I met who told me they didn't have a nursery when her kids were young so she kept hers quiet with mini-marshmallows.

[Miss Sherry]

This is the kind of "church" my parents dragged us to when we were kids. To this day, NONE of my sisters or cousins will step foot in a church.

My sister in law was very strict ( I think mean actually) with her kids in church and her daughter as an adult now has nothing to do with church . I think if my memory of being in church was of being slapped on the leg and scolded every time I moved an inch that I would'nt want to be in church either.

[silliness7]

I have no advice for you. I am a total failure in this regard. So I'm commiserating.

 

Most babies and toddlers in our church are with their families. Most are exceptionally well-behaved and quiet. I have NO EARTHLY IDEA how moms do this and am constantly in awe.

 

I use the nursery til my dc turn 3. And I dread, dread that day. We did learn quite by accident with my current 3yo that she is much better in church when she sits by dh and NOT by me. And my 2yo is a live wire. His nursery days are numbered. But the day he sits reasonably still and quiet in church is totally beyond my imagination.

[AndyJoy]

Lately what I've found working is bringing a variety of picture books that change each Sunday. My little one especially loves the pop up books or ones with flaps to open. He'll look at one book for a good 15 min before moving on to the next....four books later and before you know it the service is over. lol

 

He loves books, but seriously he is LOUD as he chatters away and points at the pictures the whole time. Maybe I should try again and ask those around me if he's too distracting or if I'm just overly sensitive since the church I grew up in had children's church and babbling babies were quickly whisked out.

[AndyJoy]

Expecting an 18-months old to sit calmly for more than 35 seconds is not very realistic (says the mother of the 18 months old:lol:).

 

There are a few kids who might manage (dd1 would have), but it is not something I would consider the norm.

And while I think your goal should be to have him sit quietly for an hour or so, I don't even think you should attempt "training" him at his age...

 

Did you try giving him something to eat?

Ds's Sunday morning breakfast consists of a big package of bisquits these days:D...(eaten during Mass!)

 

Good Luck! ...and, yes, it WILL get better!

 

Snacks work briefly, but he asks for more by bouncing excitedly and chanting, "Oooo, oooo, ooo!" Maybe I should try a smoothie or a lollopop since those take much longer and keep his mouth busy.:001_smile:

[AndyJoy]

Thanks for the input!

 

I think we'll try dh and Keaton sitting up front next week. Hopefully the violin, flute, and piano will distract him from the fact that I'm out of reach during the singing. Though we have Powepoint slides, I think I'll ask dh to use the hymnal so Keaton can help hold it. He already insists that it be open when he's banging on the piano at home.:lol:

 

Really, at this point I'd like to just get him through the first 30 minutes (2 songs, Scripture reading, prayer, and 3 more songs. Dh misses most of the music every week right now since I'm singing up front and Keaton is trying to get to me. Actually, I think he would do a wonderful job of "singing" along if he could be up front with everyone looking at him:tongue_smilie:!

[AndyJoy]

No advice, but boy, do I feel for you! Out of the moms with kids the same age, my son was always the most noisy/wiggly/etc. Many parents don't understand just how hard it is when you have one of those inquisitive all-over-the-place kinds of kids.

 

I didn't do it (because I didn't think of it!) but I'm thinking that the idea of training a kid to be still each day might work. Oh, wait a minute. It might not work. I just remembered trying to get my son to be quiet for longer than 5 seconds one week. We worked on it every day for a week. He NEVER made it to 5 seconds without making a noise. 5 seconds. Seriously. I gave up in despair (and thought about how if we had been Jews hiding from the gestapo in a hidden room, that we'd have been found in under 5 seconds. Good thing we weren't hiding from the secret police.)

 

So, I do understand and feel for you.

 

Thanks for understanding! It's hard sometimes because people who marvel at his super-friendly, cheerful, outgoing personality don't understand why this does't make him "easy." They comment about how much more confidant or "happy" he is than their own child then seem to find it odd that I can't get him to tone down the energy. Everything he encounters is pure fun and must be jabbered at and shared with the world!

[AndyJoy]

I read a book once that talked about how we sometimes forget to train our children ahead of time for things. (I can't remember which book it is now... :confused:) Anyway, the author suggested teaching the child that there are times when it's important to sit quiet and still and to practice before church. For example, have a "sit quiet time" each day starting with just a few minutes, holding the child firmly in your lap and not letting them squirm. You can whisper to them and help them through the time. Gradually through the week you increase the amount of time. I've not tried this, but I should! it sounds like it could work. Children are capable of learning behavior and this is one that needs to be learned.

 

Another book that I've been wanting to get is called Parenting in the Pew and I don't know the author, but it looks really good!

 

Maybe we can practice sitting quietly through the tapes of the sermons we've missed!

 

I have Parenting in the Pew and need to read it again earlier in the day when I can focus better. It seemed like it spent a lot of time stressing the importance of family worship, but didn't give much hands-on help for toddlers. I will check it again.

[AndyJoy]

This is very tough and I totally understand! For us, I have to wrangle all four kids by myself because my DH is the worship leader. I have even on occasion had escapees go up to daddy to sing with him:blushing:!

 

What has worked (most the time) is to practice, practice,practice before we get to church. We go over how we sit, when it's okay for them to stand ( I let my DC stand whenever they want during the actual singing because I often stand myself during worship) and that when someone is praying or reading scripture we are to be silent.

 

Then every Sunday on the drive to church, I review our rules. Even with the littlest ones. And most of the time this works.

 

If they are a little loud or a little restless, I'm ok with that, like someone else said most people have or had kids and they understand. If I have to leave the service for some reason, they do not get to go to the nursery or take a walk, they are not rewarded for bad behavior, they are told what they did was not ok and we stand in the hall. Kind of a tangent but when DH and I were dating and first married his sister was 18mon-2yrs if she got fussy at a restaurant FIL would take her outside for a walk, it set up years of his leaving the family to take her outside because she would raise terror until he did, it bothered me to no end.

 

Hope you find something that works, you've been given lots of great advice:)

 

I like your idea of not using the nursery room or going for a walk. At age 5 (or 15!) those would still be more fun than sitting quietly. We have one tyrannical 5-year-old at church who gets to go back and forth at will and we don't want to emulate that! Unfortunately it's a very small building, but I think the youth room or the pastor's office might be far enough away for screaming to not be heard. The nursery is too close. We also need to check with the pastor about getting the speakers fixed so we could hear the sermon elsewhere like we used to.

[Old Dominion Heather]

Maybe we can practice sitting quietly through the tapes of the sermons we've missed!

 

I have Parenting in the Pew and need to read it again earlier in the day when I can focus better. It seemed like it spent a lot of time stressing the importance of family worship, but didn't give much hands-on help for toddlers. I will check it again.

 

Parenting in the Pew is really good. The author came to our church last year. She is really good about talking them through the service, but she would say don't try to make them be super quiet. Give it another try?

[AK_Mom4]

Thanks for the input!

 

I think we'll try dh and Keaton sitting up front next week. Hopefully the violin, flute, and piano will distract him from the fact that I'm out of reach during the singing. Though we have Powepoint slides, I think I'll ask dh to use the hymnal so Keaton can help hold it. He already insists that it be open when he's banging on the piano at home.:lol:

 

Really, at this point I'd like to just get him through the first 30 minutes (2 songs, Scripture reading, prayer, and 3 more songs. Dh misses most of the music every week right now since I'm singing up front and Keaton is trying to get to me. Actually, I think he would do a wonderful job of "singing" along if he could be up front with everyone looking at him:tongue_smilie:!

 

:iagree:

 

At our church, it is very common to see our robed choir members up front holding a baby or toddler while they are singing. Sometimes, it's even their own baby (and not someone else's).... We have one very attached little 18mo who rides in a sling on mom's back while she sings because he's just not ready to let go yet. Sitting up front with a noisy toddler is actually better in our church because their voices go forward and the acoustics are built to carry the sound the other way (hope that makes sense!) Just keep him away from microphones and you should be fine!

[AndyJoy]

Parenting in the Pew is really good. The author came to our church last year. She is really good about talking them through the service, but she would say don't try to make them be super quiet. Give it another try?

 

I definitely will. I read it really late at night the first time and surely missed things.

[SweetBean]

We attend a church that has a 2 hr. worship service and no nursery. My DS is 2.5 yrs. old, and also very active, verbal, and social. It is challenging but we manage. Thankfully the service is very loud and lively, traditional gospel service, and most of the congregation as well as the pastor are welcoming to children. The pastor has even been known to yell out to my DS, "Can I get an AMEN from the little brother?!?" I do bring toys a few quiet toys that are only for church time, as well as a children's Bible for him to look through. If he does talk out loud, other than an appropriately timed, "Amen!" or "Hallelujah!", I whisper in his ear that it is time to be quiet. If he becomes disruptive I take him out into the narthex and sit in a chair there to listen. He would much rather be in the sanctuary, than sitting in my lap away from all of the action, so that is an incentive. I have never put DS in a nursery, even though one year ago we attended a church that had one. There were nursery worker that we knew had race issues, and I didn't trust them to care for my son. Due to that we were already anticipating a church change, and I didn't want DS to become accustomed to going to the nursery even when those workers were not in the nursery. I think that if your son is aware that there is a nursery with toys, snacks, and lots of fun, it will take longer to make the transition. Hang in there, it will eventually work out. I rarely have to leave the sanctuary any more.