Should I call CPS or someone else?

[hsmom27]

Update below in blue.

 

I know a women, not well, who has a 10mo baby girl. She's in her early 40s and has no husband or other family. Before her DD, she was always very energetic and on the go. But she decided she was missing something from her life and set out to have a baby. Fast forward to now and she always seems lethargic and uninterested in everything. She seems especially uninterested in her DD. Her DD is hands down the most beautiful baby I've ever seen, but her mom doesn't seem to care or notice her at all.

 

The baby has also dropped off the bottom of the growth chart. A week ago I tried to casually bring up the baby's lack of growth and her mom just said, "Yeah, the doctor's are worried about it too." That's it. So I asked what she ate and mom said, "Well, I feed babyfood when I think about it, and she's breastfed. Of course I can't just feed her all the time." I was at her home with my 11mo at the time, and over the couple hour visit my DD needed to eat and her baby cried but she just left her sitting in her high chair.

 

In fact, when I went in her house the only sign that a baby lives there at all is the high chair. I changed what seemed to me to be a very overripe, exploding at the seams diaper. I also took her out of the high chair and played with her. She doesn't seem to have reached many physical milestones, but every baby develops so differently. Anyway, I took over the baby while I was there and mom never objected or said anything. She just kept talking about other stuff.

 

Here's when I got really worried. As I was leaving I commented that she should bring her DD over to our house for a play date and mom suggested a sleepover! I was worried enough about the baby getting fed I took her home for the night. I asked mom if that wouldn't interfere with their breastfeeding, but mom said it would be fine. I ended up keeping her for 2 nights. When I brought her home, mom didn't even say hi to her, but took her and put her straight into her high chair. I, my sister and a good friend are going over 5X/day since, to change diapers and make sure the baby is getting fed, and she's always in that d^&* highchair.

 

I really know I need to do something, but I don't know what. I know this mom would never intentionally harm this baby, but I think she may be suffering from PPD and need serious help. I don't even know this woman well enough to try and bring that up. We don't even mind going to take care of the baby, but a baby needs a LOT more interaction than basic care a few times a day. Plus I'm having surgery on Fri and will be completely laid up for a month. Whatever I do needs to be now. So who do I call and what do I do? I don't want to ruin anyone's life or overstep my bounds, but I don't want anything bad to happen to that beautiful baby either. Am I over-reacting? I'm sorry this is so long and rambling. Thanks for any thoughts. Going to go see them now.

 

UPDATE: I've read through some posts and have decided not to call CPS yet. For now mom was more than happy to give me the baby and even gave me money for formula/diapers. She also signed a form allowing me to seek medical care for the baby while I have her. I had a friend years ago that tried to commit suicide while suffering from post-partem depression, so I'm really worried about the mom. My sister knows the mom much better and took her home to sis's house and is taking her to see her physician on Monday. Mom is perfectly okay with all this and even seems relieved that we're completely taking over for now. I made sure the mom knows she's welcome at our house any time and that she can certainly have the baby back whenever she wants. Is there anything else I should be doing right now? I can't have this poor kid indefinitely so I need to get the situation resolved as quickly as I can. And no, mom said there was no one else to call who could help. Thanks

Edited March 19, 2011 by littlewigglebutts
Update

[gardening momma]

I would definitely call CPS. The lack of interaction is a concern, but the reason I would call CPS is because of the (lack of) food/feeding and the diaper issue.

[laughing lioness]

You are not over-reacting.

Make a call to Child Protective Services.

Do it.

[Mergath]

From what you've said, I think I would be inclined to call CPS. I feel bad for the woman, because it sounds like she definitely has some issues, but the baby shouldn't have to be the one to suffer.

 

Just want to point out that the growth/milestone thing isn't a definitive indicator of neglect, though. My dd is an only child and has never been anything close to neglected- really more spoiled than anything else :tongue_smilie:- but she was diagnosed with failure to thrive at fifteen months old. Despite eating about ten times her weight in healthy, homemade food every day, she didn't gain a pound or an inch for months, and was way behind on her milestones. Turns out she has a genetic disorder that causes global delays. Just wanted to point that out.

 

Reading about the woman's behavior, though, I'd be concerned. CPS isn't going to rush in and snatch the baby out of her arms, but they can get her the help she needs and keep an eye on things.

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

I would definitely call CPS. The lack of interaction is a concern, but the reason I would call CPS is because of the (lack of) food/feeding and the diaper issue.

 

:iagree:

[Mom22ns]

Call.

[goldberry]

Oh my gosh, how heartbreaking. Also, since the mom was relatively "normal" before the child, she definitely may be having mental health issues herself.

 

I would call CPS, but I really hope they take it seriously. It seems they are more interested in overt abuse than borderline neglect. (Not that I consider it borderline...but borderline in the sense the baby is not starving to death or locked in a closet.)

 

I'm sorry, this is an awful situation.

 

ETA, is there another common party that may have more influence over the woman that you could talk to?

[Gooblink]

Yes, based on your description of the situation, I'd say call CPS. :grouphug:

[ciyates]

You could be doing just what the mom needs most. Most people don't realize they are suffering from PPD. You could be saving the baby and the mom by calling.

[NanceXToo]

How sad. Yes, call.

 

I wouldn't have worried so much about the not feeding babyfood often, I do believe that it's okay to mainly just breastfeed for the first year- my son breastfed pretty much exclusively for 9 months (I did try babyfood at 6 months but he wasn't interested). At 9 months he started eating bits of table food.

 

But with everything combined- it doesn't sound like a good situation. It does sound like she needs help. And so does the baby.

[kalanamak]

 

I really know I need to do something, but I don't know what. I know this mom would never intentionally harm this baby, but I think she may be suffering from PPD and need serious help. I don't even know this woman well enough to try and bring that up. We don't even mind going to take care of the baby, but a baby needs a LOT more interaction than basic care a few times a day. Plus I'm having surgery on Fri and will be completely laid up for a month. Whatever I do needs to be now. So who do I call and what do I do? I don't want to ruin anyone's life or overstep my bounds, but I don't want anything bad to happen to that beautiful baby either. Am I over-reacting? I'm sorry this is so long and rambling. Thanks for any thoughts. Going to go see them now.

 

It does not sound like you are overreacting.

While a doctor's office can't tell you anything, for privacy, you can tell them ANYTHING. See if you can get a decent nurse on the line and make sure they understand what you've seen. If you get a ho-hum nurse, write a letter. If you'd like, I'll go over it and make it more "doctor talky" so the doc will "hear" what you are saying.

 

In my neck of the woods, CPS listens very carefully to what I say (although I may have extra attention because I'm a "required reporter"), asks good questions, and then never gets back to me (privacy). I know that one family I have called on has been in their radar, and I've had the woman (schizophrenic) and hubby (DD with anger management problems) come over and ask for help reading the letter from CPS.

 

She is single? Depressed? How is she getting by? If she is on state assistance, that allows the "authorities", as least in my memory, an extra route in to look at the home.

 

A baby has only one chance to be fed well and exposed to proper stimulation and love its first year. When you have the baby does she eat well and coo and cuddle? If NOT, be sure to make that clear to whomever you call.

 

I would also talk to the other people who've been involved, so that everyone is on the same page about the level of concern.

 

:grouphug: Situations like this make me feel nauseated.

[Cindyz]

I know a women, not well, who has a 10mo baby girl. She's in her early 40s and has no husband or other family. Before her DD, she was always very energetic and on the go. But she decided she was missing something from her life and set out to have a baby. Fast forward to now and she always seems lethargic and uninterested in everything. She seems especially uninterested in her DD. Her DD is hands down the most beautiful baby I've ever seen, but her mom doesn't seem to care or notice her at all.

 

The baby has also dropped off the bottom of the growth chart. A week ago I tried to casually bring up the baby's lack of growth and her mom just said, "Yeah, the doctor's are worried about it too." That's it. So I asked what she ate and mom said, "Well, I feed babyfood when I think about it, and she's breastfed. Of course I can't just feed her all the time." I was at her home with my 11mo at the time, and over the couple hour visit my DD needed to eat and her baby cried but she just left her sitting in her high chair.

 

In fact, when I went in her house the only sign that a baby lives there at all is the high chair. I changed what seemed to me to be a very overripe, exploding at the seams diaper. I also took her out of the high chair and played with her. She doesn't seem to have reached many physical milestones, but every baby develops so differently. Anyway, I took over the baby while I was there and mom never objected or said anything. She just kept talking about other stuff.

 

Here's when I got really worried. As I was leaving I commented that she should bring her DD over to our house for a play date and mom suggested a sleepover! I was worried enough about the baby getting fed I took her home for the night. I asked mom if that wouldn't interfere with their breastfeeding, but mom said it would be fine. I ended up keeping her for 2 nights. When I brought her home, mom didn't even say hi to her, but took her and put her straight into her high chair. I, my sister and a good friend are going over 5X/day since, to change diapers and make sure the baby is getting fed, and she's always in that d^&* highchair.

 

I really know I need to do something, but I don't know what. I know this mom would never intentionally harm this baby, but I think she may be suffering from PPD and need serious help. I don't even know this woman well enough to try and bring that up. We don't even mind going to take care of the baby, but a baby needs a LOT more interaction than basic care a few times a day. Plus I'm having surgery on Fri and will be completely laid up for a month. Whatever I do needs to be now. So who do I call and what do I do? I don't want to ruin anyone's life or overstep my bounds, but I don't want anything bad to happen to that beautiful baby either. Am I over-reacting? I'm sorry this is so long and rambling. Thanks for any thoughts. Going to go see them now.

 

I probably would not call CPS. I worked as a CPS worker for several years and my thought is that there isn't enough there for them to do anything. She will know you called them and will no longer allow you in her house, and the baby will now be worse than before. At least now, she is allowing you in the house, you have people going over to help out and care for the baby, and you can see if something comes up that CPS can/will actually do something about. It will also give those of you who are helping her a chance to get to know her well enough to help her find her way to the counseling she desperately needs.

 

I'm sure some will disagree with me and that's ok. It's good to get varied thoughts and ideas before you make your decision.

[Koerarmoca]

I do think I would call. Are you very close? do you think its depression? I agree the baby shouldn't suffer because of untreated depression.

 

I would also caution that hitting milestones and lack of growth is not always an indicator of neglect (thought in this case it very well sounds like it could be). That just strikes a cord with me having 2 children with growth issues.

[Daisy]

Maybe she has postpartum depression?

 

Is this lady from your church? If so is there some way your church can come along side this woman and get her the help she needs? Counseling, childcare, support?

 

If I could find no way to get her help myself, I would call CPS. The child needs an intervention. It isn't my job to determine whether CPS will actually do something, but I couldn't live with myself if I said nothing.

[Cindyz]

It does not sound like you are overreacting.

While a doctor's office can't tell you anything, for privacy, you can tell them ANYTHING. See if you can get a decent nurse on the line and make sure they understand what you've seen. If you get a ho-hum nurse, write a letter. If you'd like, I'll go over it and make it more "doctor talky" so the doc will "hear" what you are saying.

 

In my neck of the woods, CPS listens very carefully to what I say (although I may have extra attention because I'm a "required reporter"), asks good questions, and then never gets back to me (privacy). I know that one family I have called on has been in their radar, and I've had the woman (schizophrenic) and hubby (DD with anger management problems) come over and ask for help reading the letter from CPS.

 

She is single? Depressed? How is she getting by? If she is on state assistance, that allows the "authorities", as least in my memory, an extra route in to look at the home.

 

A baby has only one chance to be fed well and exposed to proper stimulation and love its first year. When you have the baby does she eat well and coo and cuddle? If NOT, be sure to make that clear to whomever you call.

 

I would also talk to the other people who've been involved, so that everyone is on the same page about the level of concern.

 

:grouphug: Situations like this make me feel nauseated.

 

:iagree: I agree with the above too. If you can get a doctor to report it for failure to thrive, that will definitely get CPS in there. However, one of the reasons I quit social work was because of cases like this. We would remove the baby and take it to a foster home that was usually not very nice and overwhelmed with other foster kids, the mom wouldn't do what needed to be done and kids would bounce from home to home. It's a horrible system. :(

[Mom2J112903]

I probably would not call CPS. I worked as a CPS worker for several years and my thought is that there isn't enough there for them to do anything. She will know you called them and will no longer allow you in her house, and the baby will now be worse than before. At least now, she is allowing you in the house, you have people going over to help out and care for the baby, and you can see if something comes up that CPS can/will actually do something about. It will also give those of you who are helping her a chance to get to know her well enough to help her find her way to the counseling she desperately needs.

 

I'm sure some will disagree with me and that's ok. It's good to get varied thoughts and ideas before you make your decision.

 

:iagree: I would contact family members or go over there on a daily basis before I would call CPS. Mom needs help, what Mom doesn't need is someone taking her child from her. That is just going to send Mom into a deeper state of depression.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

HAving gone through a CPS issue, I will say call! CPS is not really out to take kids. Their purpose is to help families and they like to PREVENT removal (I know there have been plenty of exceptions to this rule). They could offer counseling, in home parent training, referrals for the baby's health, etc.

 

I don't think I would see it as a bad thing. Make the call and hopefully they will help the family and help the mom get back on her feet.

[kamom]

If she doesn't seem to mind, is their anyone who could take the baby? Since calling CPS might not help anything for lack of more serious evidence, I think the baby might be helped better if someone would just ask to keep her for now.If you call and they don't do anything the situation will be even worse?:confused:

As you befriend the woman you might be able to convince her to see a Dr and get help and treatment.

 

What an awful situation. Wish I could step in and help!:sad::sad:

[WistfulRidge]

Wow, what a situation... that poor baby :(

 

I guess I'd call. Though, honestly, if I were in your shoes I don't know if I'd have been able to bring the baby back after the sleepover. Is there anyone else (relative, good friend etc) that could take the baby? If I was there I'd take her in a heartbeat...

Something is definitely up with mom and she and baby need serious help, now.

 

:grouphug:

Edited March 19, 2011 by theAmbitiousHousewife

[momma aimee]

I would definitely call CPS. The lack of interaction is a concern, but the reason I would call CPS is because of the (lack of) food/feeding and the diaper issue.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I worked in shalters and was a foster mom -- CPS is there to protect the innocent CALL -- removing them fromt he home is teh LAST option, they try to get the family services and help first ....

[myfunnybunch]

Do you know anyone who knows her better and can have a conversation with her?

 

I absolutely think you should report this. Someone needs to step in for this child.

 

And someone (a friend or a women's leader from church?) needs to sit down with her and say, "What's going on? What do you need? What does your baby need? How can we help?" and be prepared for all contingencies, from Mom saying, "Get out, you nosy busybody" to "We're fine" to "I need help, will you take the baby," or "I need help, will you take me to the hospital." I think it's possible to have this kind of conversation very carefully so that it is an offer of friendship and help, and not an accusation of neglect.

 

You and your friends are remarkable for stepping in to care for the baby. :grouphug:

 

Cat

[2cents]

I worked with CPS and this unfortunately this wouldn't meet the criteria for a home visit. Personally, I think the baby is being neglected but CPS tends to respond to endangerment and immediate life threatening issues. Is there a way you can find out who the ped for the child is? Maybe you can alert the primary physician? Since you and others are arranging visits on a consistent basis, it is time for an intervention and the mother needs to hear your concerns. The mom may be depressed but she has a child and doesn't have the luxury of not facing her responsibilities. Time for a reality check for so that mom and child can get the help they need. Good luck with this.

[kalanamak]

:iagree: I would contact family members or go over there on a daily basis before I would call CPS. Mom needs help, what Mom doesn't need is someone taking her child from her. That is just going to send Mom into a deeper state of depression.

 

The OP says there is no family. No family, no hubby, and people going over daily, people taking the child for a night or two, and still failure to thrive and not reaching milestones.

 

Alarm bells time.

[MSNative]

I probably would not call CPS. I worked as a CPS worker for several years and my thought is that there isn't enough there for them to do anything. She will know you called them and will no longer allow you in her house, and the baby will now be worse than before. At least now, she is allowing you in the house, you have people going over to help out and care for the baby, and you can see if something comes up that CPS can/will actually do something about. It will also give those of you who are helping her a chance to get to know her well enough to help her find her way to the counseling she desperately needs.

 

I'm sure some will disagree with me and that's ok. It's good to get varied thoughts and ideas before you make your decision.

:iagree:

 

Have you spoken to her directly about your concerns? I'd be awfully upset if someone called CPS without having tried talking to me directly.

 

I agree that her behavior seems quite odd. Sleepovers for infants? Yikes. She needs help and you and your friends are very loving and generous to give her the help. She may surprise you and be willing to open up to you and even seek the help she needs if you approach her in a caring supportive manner.

[Sue G in PA]

Such a tough situation. I have been extremely jaded to all matters regarding CPS and would hesitate to get them involved unless as a LAST resort. I agree that this baby seems neglected and that the mom seems like she is suffering from PPD. Talk to her first and be REAL with her. "Hey, I'm very concerned about you and your baby. Seems like you are very depressed. How can I help you?" Please do what you can first before involving CPS. It is likely they won't do anything in this situation anyway but if they do and they take her child away...she likely will not get her back. Just my opinion and I will be praying for this situation. Seems to me there must be somebody, a family member, friend, etc. (besides you) who could step in and help. Urge her to see a counselor asap. and a psychiatrist. Meds might be necessary for her at this point so that she can function again. KWIM? Blech...so difficult. Praying for wisdom.

[Heatherwith4]

I think I would try to have a gentle heart to heart talk with the mom first. If she didn't open up to you, then call. The baby shouldn't have to suffer. :grouphug: What a sad, difficult situation. :(

[Susann]

Yes, call-listen to your mom heart! But I also wanted to say what a blessing that they have you in their lives even though they may not realize it yet!!

[Miss Cornelia Snook]

I agree with Sue. I would try communicating with the mother directly before I got CPS involved. Recommend an evaluation for both mother and baby. Then sit by her while she makes the appointments, or do it yourself while she sits by you. Definitely sounds like PPD or some other mental health issue going on. I know you said you aren't THAT close to her, but she must feel some kind of trust in order to allow you into her home and to take her baby for a couple of days. Approach her with an attitude of love and you'll get a lot further, I would think.

 

What a sad situation. I hope you can be an angel in this family's life.

[J-rap]

First, I would talk to the mom. Whether you know her well or not, she certainly seems to trust you since she let you take her baby home with you! I would just lay it out with her, telling her you are very concerned about both her and her baby. You can explain that help is out there, people WANT to help them. You can offer to drive them down to county social services yourself. Of course she may become angry and refuse all of this, and then for sure I would call CPS, and if she doesn't speak to you again that's okay, you are doing it to protect her child.

 

I agree that underweight doesn't necessarily mean neglect. (My #5 baby was quite underweight, even at birth, though she was full term; she weighed only 14 lbs. at one year. Now she is a very healthy, energetic, but petite, 16 year-old.) However, in this case, neglect certainly appears to be playing a part in it. I feel really sorry for the baby.

[Joanne]

Such a tough situation. I have been extremely jaded to all matters regarding CPS and would hesitate to get them involved unless as a LAST resort. I agree that this baby seems neglected and that the mom seems like she is suffering from PPD. Talk to her first and be REAL with her. "Hey, I'm very concerned about you and your baby. Seems like you are very depressed. How can I help you?" Please do what you can first before involving CPS. It is likely they won't do anything in this situation anyway but if they do and they take her child away...she likely will not get her back. Just my opinion and I will be praying for this situation. Seems to me there must be somebody, a family member, friend, etc. (besides you) who could step in and help. Urge her to see a counselor asap. and a psychiatrist. Meds might be necessary for her at this point so that she can function again. KWIM? Blech...so difficult. Praying for wisdom.

 

:iagree:

 

This. 3 thousand times, this.

 

I'd be direct, and even stern:

 

New mom, you are suffering from severe depression and aren't behaving correctly. I need you to come with me to a Doctor's office to have you evaluated; I will be with you so that the Doctor gets the right information about your situation. Your illness prevents you from seeing things clearly. Your baby is not thriving and there are intelligence and developmental issues that will not be reversible unless we act now. If you refuse, I will have to call authorities. I want to help BOTH of you, and I hope you will cooperate so you and your baby can be happy and healthy.

[mommymilkies]

It sounds like pretty bad ppd. I hope she gets some help for her and the baby. :(

[ondreeuh]

It really doesn't matter what the mom's intentions are (whether she means to neglect the baby or not) - what matters is that the baby isn't getting proper care. The baby's needs aren't diminished just because the mom is having problems - the baby needs proper care in order to develop! Neglect will cause lifelong problems with this child. The baby comes first.

[gardening momma]

:iagree: I would contact family members or go over there on a daily basis before I would call CPS. Mom needs help, what Mom doesn't need is someone taking her child from her. That is just going to send Mom into a deeper state of depression.

I would put the needs of the child above the needs of the mom. The mom can feed herself. The baby can't, and it doesn't sound like the baby is getting enough. I'm not saying that based on the physical size of the child--as people have mentioned, there could be other growth issues. But it sounds like the child really isn't being fed adequately.

[gardening momma]

I worked with CPS and this unfortunately this wouldn't meet the criteria for a home visit. Personally, I think the baby is being neglected but CPS tends to respond to endangerment and immediate life threatening issues.

I disagree. Someone called CPS on my sister because her house was a mess. They claimed neglect. That's all CPS needed.

[Mom2J112903]

*never mind*

Edited March 19, 2011 by Mom2J112903

[Lolosoli]

Please call...before it is to late. If the baby could speak I am sure the baby would agree!!

[Peek a Boo]

personally? I would just keep offering to keep the baby overnight or 24/7 till I had a better handle on the mom and her information/situation.

[TracyR]

Oh my gosh, how heartbreaking. Also, since the mom was relatively "normal" before the child, she definitely may be having mental health issues herself.

 

I would call CPS, but I really hope they take it seriously. It seems they are more interested in overt abuse than borderline neglect. (Not that I consider it borderline...but borderline in the sense the baby is not starving to death or locked in a closet.)

 

I'm sorry, this is an awful situation.

 

ETA, is there another common party that may have more influence over the woman that you could talk to?

 

:iagree:

This is an awful situation. Sounds like she may have Post Partum Depression. Especially if she was 'normal' before she had the baby. If she's not getting any help from family, and being over 40 , and no baby daddy in sight that would be tough.

I would talk to her first , tell her your concerns, that you feel she may have post partum depression. She may also have a thyroid problem as well that could be compounding the problem. Many women, the older they get are more proned to this sort of thing. I know after I had my 3rd daughter did I all of a sudden had thyroid problems. Of coruse I didn't have Post Partum or any depression but there are MANY women who deal with depression with thyroid problems. I guess I would be one to ask her what her problem is. I would make it known to her that you see a huge different in her personality and what is it that is bothering her. She maybe self absorbed too , in the fact that know all the attention is off of her as well. There are some people that are actually like that. Don't be afraid. Speak up and ask her what her problem is.

 

Recommend a doctor to her. If she takes no initiative then I would call CPS so they can help her in that area.

As for failure to thrive. Please be careful of accusing. The baby could well have a health problem too. My youngest had failure to thrive for a VERY long time. It was due to her health problems though. Finally at age 4 she has finally made it to the 10th percentile and stays there. Even though I feed her constantly and is supplemented with high calorie formula. If I take her formula away she begins to lose weight. Why ? Not 100% sure.

Breastfed babies are also on the smaller side too than formula fed babies. Sure you may find the occasional pumpy breastfed baby but most are smaller.

 

What you need to ask yourself is ? Is the baby lethargic? Does she have eyes that are sunken in? Are there developmental delays? Is the baby constantly sick?

 

This is true failure to thrive.

 

As for general neglect sadly enough CPS isn't really going to do much of anything. My brother's girlfriend neglects her children. They have developmental delays because all she does is sit them in car seats. Her 1 yr old couldn't even hold up his head ( there is nothing physically wrong with him). My brother is trying to fight to get his kids but CPS supports her all the way. She doesn't make any contact with the kids , doesn't talke to them. Yet they stay with her. Its so wrong on so many levels. She sits on her but at home with her mother (lives at her parents house) and does nothing. Has no job, didn't finish school, nothing. CPS pays to send her kids to daycare . She never took care of herself while she was pregnant and so on. Yet those kids stay with her.

 

So brace yourself. Unless the baby is getting beaten, is locked in a room for no one to see. CPS is most likely not going to do a thing.

I would call though because if anything ever did happen to the baby you can at least say you took a stand and tried to do something for that little baby.

[OnTheBrink]

As someone who's experienced ppd, a gentle, loving and practical approach does wonders. If someone pulled the "shape up or I'm calling CPS on you" routine, I'd tell them to *iss off and I'd withdraw even more, shutting them out completely.

 

Even though you don't know her well, sit her down and gently express your concerns with her about the baby and about her. Explain some of the symptoms of PPD, maybe even get some brochures on it to leave with her. She might not realize that's what's going on. Being a single mom to a newborn is HARD. It's exhausting, overwhelming, and can be emotionally debilitating. She needs some help but may not know how to find it. She might be afraid that she's abnormal or something. She may not know what she needs, so when someone asks her that, she says "nothing." I'd continue to help her with the baby and see if she makes any moves to get herself some help. Give her a chance to realize the problem and work on it before going in with guns blazing. The last thing you want to do is make her feel she needs to shut you out. Then you can't be any help at all to her. If things don't change at all and she makes no attempts to get some help for herself, you might be forced to call the authorities, or call her doctor and tell him what's going on so he can call someone. But, as long as you can help her, I'd try to encourage her to help herself w/o calling in the law.

 

What a tough situation. :grouphug:

[Mom0012]

personally? I would just keep offering to keep the baby overnight or 24/7 till I had a better handle on the mom and her information/situation.

 

:iagree: Ideally, if it was within my means to do this, it is the route I would go, but it sounds like it's not going to be possible for you since you are about to have surgery. I also agree with trying to get the mom in to see a doctor and get some help. I like the way one of the other posters worded how she would talk things over with the mom very directly.

 

I hate the idea of calling CPS when the mom may just need to get on an antidepressant and then be able to care for her baby. I don't trust CPS and I would be fearful about where they would place the baby and if it would really be a better situation than the one she is in.

 

Lisa

[nono]

To the OP, without the basic information such as in which state the mother/daughter resides, it is hard for you to get sound advice as to what might happen if you called the authorities. I would weigh carefully if people are from the same state and cautioning you not to call.

 

Also, you sound like you do know this woman, or about this woman. What did she used to do, or where dis you encounter her when she was outgoing?? Was she a loner, or did she have friends? I would try to think of others who may have been friendly with her to help round up support, esp. if you live in a state where CPS doesn't seem to function well. Taking a baby out of a bad, familiar situation and putting her into a bad, unfamiliar situation isn't a step in the right direction. However, if you live in a good CPS state, then the answer could/should be entirely diffferent. I think that's why the advice is so all over the place in this thread. Each of us is having to make certain assumptions based upon our experiences and our reality.

 

:grouphug: and good luck!

[kalanamak]

I worked with CPS and this unfortunately this wouldn't meet the criteria for a home visit. Personally, I think the baby is being neglected but CPS tends to respond to endangerment and immediate life threatening issues. .

 

Hard to say, as CPS varies from locale to locale. While this situation would probably not involve a raid with screaming sirens, CPS does keep records, and more than one report, especially from sane-sounding callers, does add up.

 

If I were in the position to be one of the baby's safety nets, I'd be cautious about letting mom know I was calling the doctor etc. for fear of having mom cut me off, or even bolt. This mother, however, from the little info we have, seems more passive and unbonded than malignant. Perhaps she found out having a baby didn't "fill the empty spot in her life" and she has no idea what to do now.

 

I found, in the short rotations I did through peds (really, it was things like this that really steered me away from peds) I comprehended the angry mother more than the indifferent mother. I could see frustration, but to be so unengaged ... seemed very pathological to me. It may be that once baby is out of the safe highchair, she could fall down stairs or pull the TV over on herself if her mother is still indifferent by then. :mellow:

[Cinder]

I agree with others who say it may be postpartum depression. I had a friend who had severe ppd with her first. She said that during that time (before she was diagnosed and put on meds) she wasn't sad nor did she ever think to harm her child; she just didn't care. About anything. She had no feelings about anyone or anything. She said most of the time she could force herself to go through the motions to get done what needed to get done, but the not caring about anything . . . she knew that wasn't right because that wasn't how she was before. She'd been to several docs who dismissed it as "baby blues," but she finally saw a doc that diagnosed ppd and got her on meds. It was a major turnaround for her. Awhile later she tried to get off the meds but those same problems occurred each month with her cycles. But she was able to adjust her meds to meet her needs.

 

I hope your friend gets the help she needs. :grouphug:

[Murphy101]

personally? I would just keep offering to keep the baby overnight or 24/7 till I had a better handle on the mom and her information/situation.

 

:iagree:

 

I'm not sure how I can understand that you are over there several times a day each week and yet don't feel you can talk to her. But I'm a rather blunt person by nature to start.

 

Also, is she taking the baby in for well checks? It sounds like she is? From my personal experience, pediatricians do not sit on their hands for long with a failure to thrive baby. My second born was failure to thrive, thru no fault of mine and we were never able to find any medical cause either. He just is that way. But his drs were VERY aggressive about finding out why and what could be done to bring his weight up.

 

I would hate the high chair thing too. But then again, I've known very engaging moms whose babies never seem to leave the car/bouncy seat or playpen either and it still bugged me.

 

Does she work outside the home?

 

It does not sound as though this woman is abusive.

 

It sounds like she is in a fog going through a rough patch and needs some good friends to help her and her new little one out.

 

Are you willing to be that friend? I would just sit her down with the other moms who have been helping out and say you are all concerned and want to help.

 

Pending her reaction, I might call CPS. But it would have to be more abusive than this for me to do so.

[ereks mom]

I agree with what Joanne said.

[Lovedtodeath]

:iagree:

 

This. 3 thousand times, this.

 

I'd be direct, and even stern:

I would do and say exactly as Joanne and I would also be sure to educate the mother. My first thought was to talk to the baby's pediatrician. Many people have no idea how often babies should eat or sleep and they somehow stay clueless. It would be a very rare case that a breastfeeding mother can be away from her baby for two days and have enough milk for the baby when she comes back, unless she was really working on pumping during that time. Also at 10 months old if the baby is not getting much in the way of food, should be breastfeeding even more than average, certainly not less. Anyway, I would be sure to spell it out for her. Did you know that 10 month olds should eat every 4 hours all day long with an additional feeding before bed? Did you know that if you don't feed that often then your milk supply might go down? My ten month olds woke twice a night to feed... read this book, article, etc.

[LittleIzumi]

I like the calling-the-pedi idea. I didn't know you could do that!

[littleWMN]

Such a tough situation. I have been extremely jaded to all matters regarding CPS and would hesitate to get them involved unless as a LAST resort. I agree that this baby seems neglected and that the mom seems like she is suffering from PPD. Talk to her first and be REAL with her. "Hey, I'm very concerned about you and your baby. Seems like you are very depressed. How can I help you?" Please do what you can first before involving CPS. It is likely they won't do anything in this situation anyway but if they do and they take her child away...she likely will not get her back. Just my opinion and I will be praying for this situation. Seems to me there must be somebody, a family member, friend, etc. (besides you) who could step in and help. Urge her to see a counselor asap. and a psychiatrist. Meds might be necessary for her at this point so that she can function again. KWIM? Blech...so difficult. Praying for wisdom.

 

:iagree: I would ABSOLUTELY talk to her directly first before calling CPS. CPS might not do a darn thing and the baby will be in bigger trouble than before b/c the mom will feel betrayed and won't reach out for help anymore. It sounds like PPD and she needs help and you need to tell her that. If she considers you close enough to let her baby stay the night with you, she will consider you close enough to tell her something like that. I'd continue to offer help. If she shuts you out after that conversation, THEN I would call.

 

I have experience with CPS as a foster and adoptive mom, as well as being very close to someone that suffered as a family because of false allegations. This sounds like neglect, but often neglect isn't urgent enough for CPS to step in immediately and help.

 

Just my two cents.

[Mejane]

I like the calling-the-pedi idea. I didn't know you could do that!

 

OP, it's doubtful the pediatrician will talk to you due to HIPAA regs. I think a talk with the mom is in order before you call CPS, but don't be surprised if she feels offended and distances herself from you. Then it might be time to call CPS. JMHO.

[gardening momma]

OP, it's doubtful the pediatrician will talk to you due to HIPAA regs. I think a talk with the mom is in order before you call CPS, but don't be surprised if she feels offended and distances herself from you. Then it might be time to call CPS. JMHO.

However, you could tell the pediatrician your concerns, and he doesn't have to say anything to you regarding his patient. It would just give him a heads up for the next time she brings the baby in.