Small vent: let your dils and sils have a say in what they call you

[Laurie4b]

I was not given any choice in what to call dh's mother and father. It was to be "Mom" and "Dad." That was their family tradition. I was given to believe it would be considered rude and disrespectful to call them by their first names. In our family, mils and fils were called by first names. Dh asked my parents if he could call them Mom and Dad and they are fine with it.

 

I, on the other hand, HATE calling my in-laws mom and dad. For one thing, I have issues due to my parents' divorce and the way things played out after one of my parents remarried that makes me very uncomfortable calling anyone mom or dad other than bio mother and bio dad. Secondly, my in-laws and I are not close, so I hate what feels like the hypocrisy of calling them intimate names implying an emotional level of relationship that is not there. There is certainly the acceptance of the responsibilities of the relationship on both sides (mine and theirs) of responsibilities to provide care in certain situations that might come up. I would rather call them Mr or Mrs than call them Mom or Dad, but would really prefer their first names.

 

I get around it by addressing them without a "noun of direct address" or calling or referring to them by their grandparent names when speaking in third person. "Go tell Grandma x or Grandma" or "Grandpop are having a good time." But Christmas thank you notes require that I write it out. It makes me put it off. :glare:

 

So give your future dils or sils have a choice or at least talk about what the different options mean to everyone. (Vent over. )

[Momma H]

It was never spoken of in my family. I pretty much call my MIL "hey you". I have never called her by her name or mom. AWKWARD!

[FaithManor]

Laurie, I completely understand because this is what happened to me when we got married. I only met dh's parents twice before we married and we talked on the phone possibly once or twice as in, "Hi Mr.______ is M there?" Literally, not major conversations.

 

I was told in no uncertain terms by fil that he expected they would be called mom and dad and would be offended if I didn't.

 

So, for about three years, I did this and was quite uncomfortable. Then I woke up one day and decided that I was not going to let them dictate to me that I must "pretend" that a level of relationship was there that was not. I switched to their first names and though completely and utterly shocked, offended, and supposedly "hurt", it took them all of about a month to adjust. I never swithed back. Now, I will say that mil moved near us from Florida a few years ago after fil died and we are close. I would maybe consider it if it weren't for the fact that my mom lives one block away and we are all together all the time. Mom and mil are now fast, close friends and we sit on a church committee together as well. It would be crazy, confused to call them both mom. So, the first name continues although, her grandchildren call her "granny", a tradition started with the oldest, daughter of dh's sister, and I do occasionally use that too.

 

I advocate that you choose what is comfortable for you. Essentially, if you are not really close with them and they know it, they are the ones being offensive. They should not dictate this to you.

 

Faith

Edited January 14, 2011 by FaithManor

[Scarlett]

It was never spoken of in my family. I pretty much call my MIL "hey you". I have never called her by her name or mom. AWKWARD!

 

I was this way with my XMIL. But her own children do the same thing because she wants to be called "Mother" by them. She requires ds to call her Grandmother. It is so formal.

 

I would never call another woman mom. Never. My SIL calls my mom 'mom', but to insist upon that would be very presumptous.

[Scarlett]

I advocate that you choose what is comfortable for you. Essentially, if you are not really close with them and they know it, they are the ones being offensive. They should not dictate this to you.Faith

 

:iagree: And even if you ARE close to your inlaws you might not want to call them mom and dad.

[NanceXToo]

It was never spoken of in my family. I pretty much call my MIL "hey you". I have never called her by her name or mom. AWKWARD!

 

My current MIL and FIL, I call them by their first names. No problem.

 

But my EX MIL and FIL? Ugh. Do you know, I have now known them for 21 years, since I was 16 years old. I was married to their son. I gave birth to their very first grandchild. I am a 37 year old adult, married, a mother of three, used to be in their family. And all along and TO THIS DAY when they call, they identify themselves as "Mr. C" or "Mrs. C." Like, I'll get a message on my voicemail going, "Hi, Nancy, it's Mr. C. Let Melissa know I called."

 

You don't know how tempted I am to call back and go "Hi, Mike, it's Mrs. G. I'll be sure to pass on your message!"

 

They never wanted me to call them by their first names and there was no way in heck I'd ever call them "mom" or "dad" (my MIL in particular was always very cold and distant) so I've never called them ANYTHING and they've always referred to themselves as "Mr. C" and "Mrs. C."

[Chris in VA]

I was uncomfortable with calling my mil "mom," even tho she's wonderful and I'd love for her to be my mom!

I call her Mom-Joy, a combo of her name and mom. It's like a pet name, and it works great for me. The kids even call her Gramma Mom-Joy--

Don't know if that would work for you as it could sound awkward.

 

I'm sorry they aren't polite enough to put your preferences first in something as touchy as this.

[kalanamak]

Have your hubby address the card, and you can add a note, too. My mother used the address "Dear Family" on cards. She was a paragon of politeness.

 

I never got past Mr or Mrs. so and so, so formal was my upbringing, and I'm lucky with current hubby: he's so old his folks were long gone I met him.

[Rhonda in TX]

I feel the same way you do. Luckily, my in-laws are not touchy, feely types, so they never asked me to call them Mom or Dad. I call them by their first names. DH does the same with my parents.

 

On the other side, when my sister married, my BIL immediately started calling my parents Mom and Dad. My parents were not comfortable with that, but they never said anything to him or my sister. I only knew because I was young and still living at home.

[fairfarmhand]

I was this way with my XMIL. But her own children do the same thing because she wants to be called "Mother" by them. She requires ds to call her Grandmother. It is so formal.

 

I would never call another woman mom. Never. My SIL calls my mom 'mom', but to insist upon that would be very presumptous.

 

 

I called my Grandmother "Grandmother." She was a warm caring person that we loved. It sounds formal now that I think about it, but the relationship was not so.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

My in-laws sign their cards "Mom and Dad B." It really irritates me. I know that's what they would prefer to be called, but I refuse.

 

Last month my birthday was exactly one week after we buried my dad. To get a card signed "Dad," really upset me. He's not "Dad," he's "W***." I think it's presumptuous of them to insist on being called that.

[Mary in VA]

:iagree: Many people have deep emotions and a history tied up with the terms Mom and Dad! Much of how we feel about using the terms with our ils hinges on our relationship with our own parents. My ils never said anything and left it up to me. It was ackward for awhile :001_smile:. Mr ___ and Mrs. _____ seemed way too formal, first names seemed disrespectful, and Mom and Dad too personal since we really didn't have an relationship yet. So for a long time I didn't address them with names. It was easier because we lived thousands of miles away. But as I got to know them, and love them (they were WONDERFUL) I was able to call them Mom and Dad with the feeling behind those terms :001_smile: I had never called my own mother "Mom" so I didn't feel I was stealing it from her, and my father had been "Daddy" until he died when I was 13. So the terms hadn't been "taken" by anyone else, so I felt they were available. It is really kind of funny now how I reasoned it all out :001_smile: A few years ago before she died my mil and I talked about it. She had noticed how I had avoided a name in the beginning. We laughed about it! She knew that when I called her "Mom" it was because I meant it. And she really was like a second mother to me. I miss her!

 

Mary

Edited January 14, 2011 by Mary in VA

[Mejane]

I can't imagine insisting my d/sil call me something.

 

I remember nearly swallowing my tongue the first time I had to call my fil Dad. It just felt... icky. :tongue_smilie:

[kkiller]

Wow - how awkward, I really feel for you!! I am very close with my mil and we get along great but I use her first name. Dh is also close with my parents and he too uses first names. I can't imagine ever calling mil "mom" because she's not my mom. Can you talk to dh about it or would that hurt him?

[Nakia]

Wow. I can't imagine calling my fil "Dad". I hardly like him enough not to call him a jack*ass.

[SquirrellyMama]

It was never spoken of in my family. I pretty much call my MIL "hey you". I have never called her by her name or mom. AWKWARD!

 

I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I usually don't say a name when talking with my in laws. They are great but for some reason I can't call them mom and dad and I even have trouble calling them by their first names.

[Scarlett]

I called my Grandmother "Grandmother." She was a warm caring person that we loved. It sounds formal now that I think about it, but the relationship was not so.

 

Ds doesn't mind calling her that. But he has a closer relationship with the Wal-Mart clerk than he does his Grandmother.

 

So really I guess it isn't what we call in laws....I would have even called my XH Mrs. MIL if she asked. She never addressed what I was suppose to call her though and she was rude and mean to me the entire 26 years I was married to her son.

 

I will certainly ask my any future DIL of mine to call me Scarlett. If she wants to call me mom I guess I would be ok with that....not sure. It might make me uncomfortable actually.

[Scarlett]

Wow. I can't imagine calling my fil "Dad". I hardly like him enough not to call him a jack*ass.

 

:lol: I literally LOL. Hilarious!

[LidiyaDawn]

Okay I'll be the odd duck here.. I generally call people whatever they'd like to be called because I feel that it's the polite & respectful thing to do. YMMV and all that, of course. Just stating what I do. :)

[Scarlett]

Okay I'll be the odd duck here.. I generally call people whatever they'd like to be called because I feel that it's the polite & respectful thing to do. YMMV and all that, of course. Just stating what I do. :)

 

 

 

Me too! The exception is I won't be calling anyone else mom. And even though my step dad is a wonderful man who has been a family friend for almost 40 years and married to my mom for 10 I STILL choke on calling him 'dad'. I refer to him as dad, especially to people who don't know me well....but when it comes to addressing him it is either, 'Papaw' (what the grandkids all call him) or by his first name. My brother calls him JDad (his first name begins with a J).

[Lady Florida.]

I guess it was never an issue in my case, but it would bother me if it had been.

 

I was in my 30's when I married dh, and quite independent. I wasn't easily intimidated, and would not have given in to something like that. However, dh has 2 brothers, and their wives already were calling the IL's by their first names, so it was easy enough for me to just follow their lead.

 

I have a dil (their one year anniversary is this weekend) who calls me by my first name, but then so does her husband (my stepson) It would be odd for her to call me anything else.

[Tammyla]

I've only got one mom and dad. Given an ultimatum, I would have been uncomfortable and indirectly addressed them as you do. That was imo, a terrible way to welcome someone into the family. My stubborn side now, would call them by their first names.

[Lady Florida.]

I refer to him as dad, especially to people who don't know me well....

 

My stepson refers to dh and me as his parents or his mom and dad, but adresses me by my first name. I would never insist he call me mom.

[Scarlett]

My stepson refers to dh and me as his parents or his mom and dad, but adresses me by my first name. I would never insist he call me mom.

 

That is what I do with my mom and step dad....even to people who know me well ---when talking about mom and step dad I say 'my parents.' And I've noticed lots of people who know us all well have started to do the same thing.

 

But my step dad would NEVER insist I call him dad. Or even suggest it. He is just too polite to try to impose something like that on me even if HE wanted it.

[Parrothead]

I call my MIL by her first name. She's cool like that. My mom on the other hand will accept some variation of Mom/Mother or Mrs. So-and-So. Never her first name for those not of her generation. So dh is kind of in a fix because he refuses Mom/Mother.

[Laurie4b]

I've only got one mom and dad. Given an ultimatum, I would have been uncomfortable and indirectly addressed them as you do. That was imo, a terrible way to welcome someone into the family. My stubborn side now, would call them by their first names.

 

It's not a battle I want to fight--I have a couple of those with ils; this just bugs me and I wanted to complain:tongue_smilie:. I wouldn't call it an ultimatum, just one of those very strong assumptions that one would have to make an issue out of to do differently. So I've done the "avoid the first name thing." I did insist FIL call me what I want to be called and not by the name he wanted to call me. I use a nickname for my given name and prefer it; he liked my given name. But that was not like breaking the whole family tradition, ya know?

[Laurie4b]

Have your hubby address the card, and you can add a note, too.

.

 

Great idea. I hope he hasn't signed his yet!

[Laurie4b]

Didn't know there were so many of us!

 

Something else to put on my list of what not to do when my kids are adults!

[justamouse]

Heh, I would love to be allowed to call my MIL and FIL mom and dad. I was told to call them Mr ___ and Mrs. ___. Warm and fuzzy, no? :glare:

[SonshineLearner]

Funny!! My husband is offended that I don't like him calling my parents Mom and Dad. That's what they want to be called, too. I feel like it sounds like an incestuos relationship... I mean... if they're my mom and dad... how are they yours, too?? (Are you my BROTHER??) They all think I'm crazy... and have actually been a bit peeved at me.

:(

[SonshineLearner]

My step daughters call me "Mom" and their bio mom, "Mama"..... when I write my MIL I put "Mama K" like my husband's brother's wife started... :) My husband thinks that sounds... stupid.... I could call her Mrs. K :)

[AuntieM]

Well I do not call my dh Brother so it's not likely I'll ever call my inlaws Mom & Dad, despite their invitation to do so.

 

I really don't think I'll want my children's spouses to call me Mom. Just doesn't sit right with me.

[dcjlkplus3]

I call my IL by their first names, I've never been invited to call them anything else. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feel comfortable calling them mom or dad (I don't even call my stepdad of almost 30 years dad).

 

My MIL treats me very much as she would a daughter if she had one (she is not however a warm and cozy person). By FIL does NOT treat me like a daughter in any way - he sees me as his son's wife and his grandkids mom.

[Crissy]

Something else to put on my list of what not to do when my kids are adults!

 

:iagree:

I love the boards for this reason!

[JenC3]

In my family the ILs call the parents Mom/Dad, but in dh's they don't. He does not call my parents Mom/Dad, but by their first names. I call his parents by their first name or Nana/Grandpa. I don't care either way what my kids spouse call me, but I will try to make them feel close enough to me that they will "want" to call me Mom because I will consider them my very close family.

[tex-mex]

I haven't read beyond the first OP post, but in my family, my mother died when I was newly married 23 years ago. Never knew my dad. So my hubs lucked out on this in-law issue. lol ;)

 

My MIL immediately told me her story and it was similar to the OP's story. My MIL resented calling her MIL, "Mom". So she sat me down as a new member of dh's family and told me I had many options -- Mom, Joan, Mrs. _____, whatever. I appreciated the options and used whatever felt appropriate in the situation. I called both in-laws by their first names in the early phase in our marriage. Then my son (their only grandchild) was born and "Grandma" and "Granddad" were the monikers. Now, I call them Mom and Dad affectionately after 23 years. They are like my parents and I love them very much.

 

If I were matched with horrid crazy in-laws, I don't think my use of calling them Mom and Dad would EVER work. You need to build trust and respect to enter that realm of affection, IMO.

[Impish]

I was at the wedding and reception of one of my best friends around 20 yrs ago now.

 

Her dh called her Dad 'Mr. P____"

 

Her Dad grinned and said, "You've just married my daughter. I think you can call me Firstname now."

:lol:

 

For me, MIL wanted/demanded to be called Mom. I could. not. do. it. I have a mother, tyvm. I call her by her first name.

[KidsHappen]

Naming conventions in my family are slightly schitzo. I called my mom and dad, mom and dad. When talking to my MIL I also call her mom. SHe has been my MIL for 30 + years now, almost as long as my mother was my mom. When talking to my children we call them Grandma M___ and Grandma J___. My dad is no longer in the picture but when my kids were young they just called him grandpa. My FIL wasn't in the picture for a very long time but now that he is my kids call him Grandpa J______. My SILs all call me mom, by my first name or Mrs. P. depending on the circumstances. I pretty much answer to just about anything including hey you and b!tch (in a joking tone of course and only used by equals). I am pretty easy going. My grandson calls me MOM and his mother mama. Some times he manages gaMom. I answer to anything he calls me. He calls grandpa, g-pa and his dad papa. He calls all the girls nana except for one which he calls SHormy (close to her real name). Generally I am pretty good with calling someone what they wished to be called but I can see the problem in calling someone somthing that forces a degree of intimacy that you are not comfortable with. As for little ones, yes, you could teach them to call you whatever it is that you wish to be called but then I think it loses some of the endearing and intimate qualities.

[Remudamom]

Wow. Don't go for it. Call them by their names and if they're offended it's their problem no yours.

[Violet Crown]

I was at the wedding and reception of one of my best friends around 20 yrs ago now.

 

Her dh called her Dad 'Mr. P____"

 

Her Dad grinned and said, "You've just married my daughter. I think you can call me Firstname now."

:lol:

 

For me, MIL wanted/demanded to be called Mom. I could. not. do. it. I have a mother, tyvm. I call her by her first name.

This is basically what happened with me. I knew my dear in-laws since I was in 6th grade, and so always called them Mr. and Mrs. Inaustin. On my wedding day, I called my MIL "Mrs. Inaustin" and she said "Oh no, you have to call us C---- and G----- now." And she said it in a way that almost made me cry, it was so sweet and welcoming. I've always been thankful that she took the initiative in the awkward "what to call the in-laws" question.

[nrg]

I just cannot call my DMIL "Mom" or "Mother." It is awkward because her other DILs do. I lover her deeply, but my own mother has that place all to herself. Instead, I have resorted to "Grandma." My own wonderful DIL calls me "Mom." I must admit, I love it!

 

I did learn to just go with whatever the new family members feel most comfortable with.

[Guest Katia]

As a young bride-to-be, I was informed that I was to address my mil-to-be as "Mama". Yep. That's what all her children/step-children call her, so that was what I was to call her as well.

 

I've tried. Really, I have. For 20 years. Then, about 8 years ago, I just quit. I trid not to call her anything because "Mama" just sounds so.....wrong for me. For dh, sure. It's fine. But, she's not my mama!!

 

So, I started calling her by her first name. She was a bit surprised, as was her family, but they got over it. Now, when she calls here and I answer, she'll say, "Hi, Katia, this is W" and I sooooo appreciate it. No drama. No upset. I think she just realized that her name is ok for me to use.

 

My dh has always called my dad, "Dad". His dad died when he was 18mos old, and his step-fathers were called "Father" to their face and "First Name" when speaking of them. So, it's never been an issue for him. My dad is the only 'dad' he's ever known.

 

He chose to call my mom, "Mom", because he calls his mom, "Mama" so it wasn't an issue there, either.

 

I guess I just had to be the difficult one. :tongue_smilie:

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I call my in-laws Mr. and Mrs. ___. I know it sounds cold and formal to outsiders, but it really isn't.

 

I couldn't possibly call them Mom and Dad. They just aren't.

 

I guess I'm too hindered by my good Southern upbringing. I simply can't call "grown-ups" by their first names :lol:. They have asked me to several times, but it didn't take.

 

Just call them whatever you feel comfortable with. They'll have to get over their offense. It's silly.

[bkpan]

I didn't read every reply, but I guess that I am in the minority. I definitely would defer to my new in-laws on this, honoring whatever they wished to be called. Yes, calling them mom and dad would be weird for awhile, but I really see it as a loving attempt to welcome you into the family. I see it as a way to communicate that their new d-i-l is as precious to them as their own son. This may seem old-fashioned to some, but when dh and I married we also saw it as a joining of two families, as well as the creation of a new family.

 

I suppose that I am just blessed with great inlaws, and I have not experienced some of the trials that many of you have. But, these are the little gestures on YOUR part that might(!) make for smoother relations with your dh's parents. Why is it so important that you pick how THEY are addressed? It just seems that in most relationships we try to honor whatever form a person wishes to be addressed. How much more so my own husband's parents!

 

Every time I read these types of threads I get nervous. SO many of you seem to have uncomfortable, tense relationships with your m-i-ls. One day, God willing, I will have 5 d-i-ls and 1 s-i-l added to my family. I only pray that our relationships will stay close and loving. My relationship with my own dc (and hopefully some future gc!) is that precious.

 

Kim (who wishes her m-i-l had told her what she wanted to be called instead of me guessing while being too shy to ask her)

[lllll]

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