Which is/has been better for your family?

[Tabrett]

If you have had the opportunity to live near and away from your parents and/or in-laws, which has been better for you, your spouse and children?

 

Why?

Edited December 19, 2010 by Tabrett

[Plucky]

For us living farther is much better. Living too close to my family or his caused us some problems, and moving saved our marriage and improved extended family relationships.

[elegantlion]

We just moved back to be closer to my parents. We were away for 5 years. Now we're 30 minutes instead of 900 miles. For us it will work out to be closer. My son loves and adores my parents, he just spent a week at their house. My parents are getting older and we have no other family close. It helps that dh and I are actually friends with my parents.

[Food4Thought]

I had to vote other. Sorry!

 

It has its pros and cons. With the in-laws close, we have free babysitting and the kids get to be near a set of grandparents. On the other hand, the whole family dynamic is really screwed up. I enjoyed living further away MUCH better - it was much easier to set boundaries and not to have to spend every single holiday known to man with one set of family.

[QueenCat]

I wish we could afford to live near my parents/sister/cousins.... not in the cards, probably ever, not much in dh's field up in the DC area. Plus it is so expensive there. Would NEVER want to live near my mil/fil. Wouldn't mind living near his brother (did for a short while), sister, cousins, other family... Mil/fil don't like me, and seeing them once every couple of years is plenty.

[Danestress]

We have lived far away, and now we live within a mile or two of both of our mothers. I love it. We get along fine. We never have to spend a night in a parent's house, and they never spend a night in ours. My sisters sleep at my parents, so the holidays are very low stress - we don't travel, and we don't have many over night guests. We share holiday meals, but then everyone goes home to his or her own house.

 

We see each other regularly, but both mothers are good respecters of boundaries and easy to get on with. When my father was sick, it was so good to be close by.

[nukeswife]

I had to vote other because dh is military so we usually don't have a choice, but we did get to be near my parents once for about 18 months (dh was gone on deployment most of it) and it was great. I loved being that close to my family and my kids (only the older two at the time, the 3rd came along just before we moved) loved being able to drop in on them or have Papa waiting at our house when oldest son got home from PS K. My mom, grandma, one of my aunts and a cousin were all able to be with me when my youngest was born, which is something they never thought they'd be around for.

[joannqn]

Distance is a good thing here. Both DH and I come from severely dysfunctional families.

[NanceXToo]

I put farther. Too much drama when we're closer. I feel that way about my mother (who does live close by) and my husband's mother (who doesn't live close by).

 

On the other hand, I wish his father and step mother lived closer, they're great, wonderful with the kids, fun to hang out with, zero drama, etc.

[BakersDozen]

For us living farther is much better. Living too close to my family or his caused us some problems, and moving saved our marriage and improved extended family relationships.

:iagree: Close living would be disastrous for us. Fortunately God has provided a few "adopted" grandparents who are actually closer to us than our own families are relationship-wise.

[Mom2J112903]

For us living farther is much better. Living too close to my family or his caused us some problems, and moving saved our marriage and improved extended family relationships.

 

:iagree: We actually live less than 30minutes from my grandparents, actually moved 700 miles away from both DH's and I parents to be closer to them. That backfired on us :glare: and we no longer associate with them like one would think. We see them maybe twice a year. Being farther away from family is a good thing for both DH and I.

[Parrothead]

I think living quite a bit of distance has been good for our immediate family. We have depended on each other for the better part of 10 years. Now though, I am looking forward to my parents being closer. I'd like dh's mom to be closer to us also but she will not for a variety of reasons leave her area.

[Rosie_0801]

I'm not fond of my inlaws, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't see their grandkids. I find it best to be between an hour and a half and two hours away. This means we are close enough if they want to visit, not so close they visit too often, but not so far away they expect to stay the night. They only show up a few times a year though. Maybe they're trying to keep the number of visits equal between us and dh's sister interstate, who knows. Not that I mind...

 

 

Rosie

[SnowWhite]

I had to vote other because it's evenly divided.

 

With my family, it is AWESOME living near them. (dh thinks it's cool, but not sure about the AWESOME, lol). With the ILs, I used to enjoy living near them, and it was free babysitting, but they moved away and dh's *issues* with them came to the forefront, and I realized it is GRAND living far apart from them.

[happyWImom]

I voted near. I'm an only child, and my mom and I are very close. I also think it's important for my dc, because we don't really have much extended family, and I want to show them how important family is.

[valkett]

My husband and I married with I was 19 and he was 21 (over 20 years ago). He was in the Air Force and getting ready to be sent to Japan for three years. Living in Japan for three years, away from family was WONDERFUL for us. It forced us to work things out without running home to Mom and Dad. It also made us become a great TEAM.

 

We moved closer to family about 10 years ago. His parents moved about 1.5 hours away to their retirement home shortly after we moved back here. I wish they hadn't. Being close to family has been great as the kids are in the active (sports & school programs) years. We get together with my husband's family about once-a-month and it's great. My mom sees the kids every week for a little bit. Visits on both sides are great without having the stress of having company for a week.

 

So.. my answer is both... live away in the beginning and closer as you have kids,

 

:-)

 

Val

[Sasharowan]

Living near my parents is great and helpful, living near the inlaws meant that we were constantly asked to play mediator to all the sibs.

[JenneinCA]

I said that we were better off a distance away and that is true. But it isn't because of family problems. It is because the job situation where my parents live is much much worse than it is here.

 

Phoenix is not a hot bed of tech jobs. The SF Bay area is.

[Aggie]

When we were first married, we had to live away from our parents. Looking back, it was probably for the better anyway.

 

We could NEVER live close to dh's mom. Ever.

 

We moved from our dream house in our dream location to move close to my parents as they age.

 

I watched my cousins try to deal with their parents getting sick and aging. It was impossible for cousins to have a family life, work, and travel when their parents got sick. It caused marital and financial problems for all of them. :(

 

So we moved 'home'. It's been wonderful! Sure, we've had some boundary issues, but those are quickly resolved. I love having my parents close! They often help with running the kids to dance/karate/etc, and the kids go visit them every day. It's been great for every one!

 

Mom and I have become great friends, too. We've always gotten along, but we really enjoy spending time together. :)

 

As an aside, my sis and her family live here, too. She teaches and her dc go to ps. They don't have the relationship with my parents like my family does. We can and do cultivate a relationship. Sis and her family are too busy. :(

[JVA]

We'd love it if my Dad lived closer (or better yet- if we lived NEAR him. He lives in San Diego :)). He loves us and our kids and is great to be with.

 

However, it's best that we're FAR from my mother and mil, who are both very dysfunctional. Once every several years, we see them and that's quite enough, thank you very much.

[Sahamamama]

I had to vote other because you didn't allow us to split the answer into "my parents" vs. "in-laws."

 

It's better for us to be closer, geographically, to my parents. They are up in age, we mostly get along with them well, and they are easy to spend time with. Plus, the girls adore them, and they really are good grandparents.

 

It's SALVATION for us to be 3,000 miles away from my husband's parents. If we lived near them, we would be divorced or in a mental institution or both.

[kwickimom]

We live next door to our in-laws and its HORRIBLE, but they are horrible. They are always in our business and making comments about how often we leave, etc. It sucks.

My family is amazing and I wouldnt want to live next door to them. Same town, sure. Not within walking distance though. I just think everyone needs their space

[Maverick_Mom]

Living farther away has been better. We seem to be respected as a separate family unit when there's distance between us, rather than treated as if we're at someone else's beck and call.

[Impish]

Vote for 'other' here too.

 

Far away from MIL is a good thing.

Far away from my family has been a good thing.

 

But, my parents have changed, and so have I. I no longer get wrapped up in the drama, and have the ability, after living across country 8 yrs, to shrug and ignore.

 

We're actually considering living within driving distance of them this time next year, and my hosting Christmas. Actually excites me, rather than freaks me out...we'll see. Worst comes to worst, and I continue not to see them. I don't need physical distance to maintain boundaries anymore.

[T'smom]

For awhile we lived fairly far away from both sides- I thought it would be great, but it wasn't. Now we live near the in-laws and I'm glad. I'd prefer to be close to my family- but at least we're close enough that we don't have to use vacation time to see both families! Also, we're now close enough that we never have to stay overnight at mil's again! I LOVE that. We're also close to lots of cousins and I'm glad that my kids will get to grow up with them.

[cathmom]

I would have said, "Farther," but I had to say other. 16 years ago when we moved 400 miles away, it was absolutely necessary for our own nuclear family to be on our own. We had to be a day's drive away, and we loved it (while still missing various family members).

 

However, back then our parents were mid-50s and had all the time in the world. Now, they are early 70s and we know that they don't have forever. I miss my family more now than I did then and I wish I lived closer. I feel really bad that my mom's only grandchildren live so far away from her. She used to come see us twice a year, but she got laid off two years ago and couldn't find another job. Her money is really tight so she can't come, and our money is really tight or we would go there more often. But there's no way we can move back there (it's a very expensive area).

[HRAAB]

We have lived in the same town as my parents and in-laws since we were first married. I'm very glad we've been able to. My parents have passed away, and I'm thankful I was close to them when they were living, my children knew their grandparents, see them frequently, and enjoy them. My in-laws are now very elderly, and we're close enough to visit and help them out. Both my dh and I are/were very close to our parents.

[Mrs Mungo]

Other. We have never lived closer to our families than 1800 miles away. We would like to live closer. Eta: we plan on retiring close to my family (not next door). His mom would be about 5-6 hours away.

Edited December 20, 2010 by Mrs Mungo

[DawnM]

As far away as is possible is best!

[mom2a&z]

I had to vote other. We live close to my MIL and the rest of dh's family and it's a mixed blessing. My dh loves it and me, not so much.

 

We live 1000 miles away from my parents and I hate it. My parents are getting older and my mom has been sick for the past few years and I haven't been there for her like I wanted to.

 

I would love to move back to the midwest to be closer to my parents, but that isn't in the cards. It makes me sad that my children will never know their grandparents like I knew mine. :(

[Tap]

Minimal accceptable distance 2 hours. LOL

[OrganicAnn]

My parents used to live 2 hours away and when we had my DD and when my Dad got ill, it was too far away. My mom moved down right near us (after my dad died). We love having her close. She helps us with occasional babysitting. We help her with various things. As she gets older, I'm glad we can be there for her.

 

My ILs are divorced. They both live about 20 minutes away. I don't think we need to live closer to them. I'm glad we don't live further, since it would add to the trips especially on holidays.

 

When I was young I didn't think it matter very much how far or close I lived to my parents. With kids and aging parents, it is nice to be close.

 

I grew up with my grandparents being far away. When we have to juggle going to 3 places between Christmas eve and Christmas day, I think it would be nice to just be alone on the holiday. But my DD loves all her grandparents and I'm glad she has a good relationship with them all.

[dsmith]

We live with dh's parents, and a mile away from my mom. We are not super social people, but family is very important to us. It's bumpy at times living with the inlaws, mostly because of financial issues, but we get along great most of the time. I love being close to my mom because she is in a bad situation right now with my brother and his family living with her. They are taking advantage of her and do not respect her the way they should. We are able to have her over a lot, take her out to dinner or shopping, etc. Dh is always thinking of my mom when we are going out. He's a good son in law.:001_wub: Now, my sil, I wish there was a great distance between us. She's got mil wrapped around her little finger - total drama queen.

[JeneralMom]

My ideal would be close enough for either of them to babysit occasionally, and for us to be able to visit for holidays, but far enough away that we don't see them daily, weekly, or maybe even monthly. Right now we live very far away from everyone and feel the distance at holidays.

[amyable]

I voted other, because I think living close to my parents for the last few years has been good for our children. I think dh and I would really prefer to be far away though, for many reasons that don't really affect the kids much.

[Rebel]

I chose, "other," because I wasn't sure how you were defining, "close."

 

I have lived in the following situations regarding parents:

 

same town - we were too involved in extended family drama

an hour away - still too involved in extended family drama

1200 miles away - finally away from the drama, but felt son was missing out by only seeing relatives once a year

4 hours away from parents, but only 2 hours from my brother and sister - This is working for us.

 

We really wanted to be closer to my brother and sister and their families, but not closer to my parents.

[Dawn in OH]

For the first 7 years of our marriage (4 years of children) we lived in Florida and my parents in Ohio. We have now lived back in Ohio (just 20 minutes away from my parents) for the past 5 years. For us, living near them has been much better.

 

I have a babysitter that I trust.

We have family to spend holidays with.

The kids are having a wonderful relationship with their only Grandma.

I'm here if something were to happen to my parents.

They have helped us out in many ways that they couldn't when we were far away.

We've been able to help them a few times, and probably will more in the future as my Dad is not in very good health.

[wendylee]

Distance is a good thing here. Both DH and I come from severely dysfunctional families.

 

That's us. We are three hours away from both of our families, and it works out quite nicely. It took us many years to understand that distance was a GOOD thing. :>) We do have my godparents in town, who are basically what we had always hoped our parents would be to our kids, so it works out well!

[SABE]

How close is close? We used to live a full day's drive from our closest family member, and we both thought that was too far away. We're now 1.5 hour/3.5 hours from our parents and see both sets fairly regularly, and that's just about perfect. I wouldn't want to live much closer.