I need a new type of friend

[Garga]

Went to a cookie-swap today. There were 10 of us swapping cookies. We had brunch. I'm pretty close friends with about half the women there, and the other half are acquaintances. As each woman would bring up a topic of conversation, the others would immediately pick on it. I have examples:

 

1. K. says, "Hey! Did anyone shop on Black Friday?"

The others, "No way! That's just ridiculous. Why would anyone do that?"

K says, "Well, I went..." and told us about it.

 

2. I started telling them about a book written by a biologist who raised a wild owl and how I cried when the owl died. The others say, "Oh, it's just an owl. I don't cry at animals dying in books. Why would someone want to raise an owl anyway?"

 

3. W. says, "I took the kids geo-caching and we found a box!" The others, "Oh, who has time to go out looking for boxes? What sort of people bother doing that? Like I'm going to waste my time looking for a box in the woods."

 

4. K. says, "At my mom's work they do a cookie swap and whoever decorates their bags of cookies the best gets a prize." The others, "I wouldn't care about decorating a bag. You're lucky I got around to making the cookies, much less decorating a bag!"

 

 

I was pretty worn out by the end of the cookie swap. I don't know if I was in the bad mood, or if the others were, but if felt like half the topics of conversation brought up were shot down.

 

I am proud to say that I defended everyone's topic, even when the others didn't. (Pat on my back.) But I did feel worn out having to do that, "Well, a lot of people love the fun of staying up all night to get a special deal." "The woman writing the book loved the owl and it was sad to read about her grief over it's death." "Lots of people geo-cache. I know a lot of college students who are into that." "If the bags are decorated you can give them away as gifts. That would be really nice."

 

 

My New Year's Resolution will be to find gentler, more accepting friends.

[kalanamak]

 

My New Year's Resolution will be to find gentler, more accepting friends.

 

I have a theory about the effect of spending years correcting children.

 

My mother, who had many children but was not like this, preferred the company of men for this very reason. She was not the tolerant type, and shoot her down once, and you'll never see her again.

 

If you know half of them well, could you have this conversation (one at a time) with that half?

 

:grouphug: I feel like a social freak half the time, too. I end up playing with the dogs or kids. If neither are around, I've been known to clean up the kitchen after a meal, however, I have learned some hostesses HATE this. Can't win for losing.

[gardening momma]

Were the ones who got shot down also the ones who shot down others?

[Unicorn.]

Take down the names of those who picked, and those who didn't. Those who didn't, are on your friends list. :D

[myfunnybunch]

Yikes!

 

You, on the other hand, sound like a kind diplomatic person. I'll be your friend, especially if you talk books and bring me cookies in a pretty bag. ;)

 

Cat

[Mejane]

From what you said, K and W sound like keepers. I'd lose the rest. ;)

[Garga]

Were the ones who got shot down also the ones who shot down others?

 

Yes! Either they're mean-spirited and small-minded people and I'm only now noticing, or else (to give them the benefit of the doubt), they feel so comfortable around each other that they've dropped some of their inhibitions and are letting their true opinions fly. (Even when they should self-edit...)

[Audrey]

Wow. Sounds like a real poo-poo party you had there. Everyone pooing on everyone else's joy. It also sounds like they were feeding off each others' negativity.

 

I'd be finding new friends, too. I can definitely see how being around all that would be exhausting.

[Mrs Mungo]

Most women are better one on one v. in groups. I like some groups of women, but it takes a very specific dynamic for it to work well, imo. YMMV.

[Belacqua]

Interesting that several of the negative comments came down to I'm Too Busy For That. I've noticed that being busy (or the even more obnoxious and increasingly common phrase, "crazy-busy") is a bragging point. Of course, the people I know who are far Too Busy to do the things other people might enjoy still manage to find the time for their own favored leisure activities.

 

It's really a lot of fun to opt out entirely. I can honestly say that I'm not especially busy or stressed, even at the holidays. When I say that, some people look at me as if I'd just announced that I roasted kittens for Thanksgiving dinner.

 

I think Unicorn put it very sagely.

[Audrey]

Interesting that several of the negative comments came down to I'm Too Busy For That. I've noticed that being busy (or the even more obnoxious and increasingly common phrase, "crazy-busy") is a bragging point. Of course, the people I know who are far Too Busy to do the things other people might enjoy still manage to find the time for their own favored leisure activities.

 

It's really a lot of fun to opt out entirely. I can honestly say that I'm not especially busy or stressed, even at the holidays. When I say that, some people look at me as if I'd just announced that I roasted kittens for Thanksgiving dinner.

 

I think Unicorn put it very sagely.

 

 

Ah yes... the ubiquitous "busyness contest." :glare: That ranks right up there on the silliness scale with the I-get-up-earlier-than-you contest and the my-kids'-activities-are-more-time-consuming-than-yours contest. :rolleyes: Whatever.

[Nakia]

I have had several friends/acquaintances over the years who were absolutely exhausting to be around. I gradually let those friendships fade away. Life's too short to spend time with people who frustrate and exhaust you. :grouphug:

[Nakia]

Ah yes... the ubiquitous "busyness contest." :glare: That ranks right up there on the silliness scale with the I-get-up-earlier-than-you contest and the my-kids'-activities-are-more-time-consuming-than-yours contest. :rolleyes: Whatever.

 

Hey, those are the contests my neighbors thinks she and I are competing in! :lol:

[angela in ohio]

Oh, I've been there and done that...

 

"You should buy a new shirt. You wear that one to much."

"You spent how much on that shirt? You need to shop the sales."

"You bought that on sale? I would never have time to shop that much." :lol:

 

Same woman! That was one of many such interactions with one of many such women. It is a culture that festers in some groups of people. I got out, and you can, too. :D

 

I decided to find people who had enough confidence that they didn't need to spend their time critiquing others. :)

Edited November 27, 2010 by angela in ohio

[Audrey]

Hey, those are the contests my neighbors thinks she and I are competing in! :lol:

 

 

My experience says to let her keep thinking you're playing, too. I frequently make the mistake of telling people "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not actually playing the mine-is-bigger-better-busier game." It tends to alienate them every time. How silly of me to keep forgetting that little fact. ;)

[Nakia]

My experience says to let her keep thinking you're playing, too. I frequently make the mistake of telling people "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not actually playing the mine-is-bigger-better-busier game." It tends to alienate them every time. How silly of me to keep forgetting that little fact. ;)

 

Too late. I told her. She wasn't impressed. :D

[gardening momma]

Ah yes... the ubiquitous "busyness contest." :glare: That ranks right up there on the silliness scale with the I-get-up-earlier-than-you contest and the my-kids'-activities-are-more-time-consuming-than-yours contest. :rolleyes: Whatever.

 

Hey, those are the contests my neighbors thinks she and I are competing in! :lol:

I would lose...I sleep in and my kids don't do much. :)

[Audrey]

Too late. I told her. She wasn't impressed. :D

 

 

Oh dear. You are as forgetful as I, then. We really should make a note to ourselves, eh? ;)

[Audrey]

I would lose...I sleep in and my kids don't do much. :)

 

 

Betcha I sleep in more than you. :lol:

[Danestress]

.

[angela in ohio]

My experience says to let her keep thinking you're playing, too. I frequently make the mistake of telling people "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not actually playing the mine-is-bigger-better-busier game." It tends to alienate them every time. How silly of me to keep forgetting that little fact. ;)

 

The only thing people hate worse than being beat at their silly reindeer games is being told you won't play them anymore. ;) :D

[FO4UR]

The only thing people hate worse than being beat at their silly reindeer games is being told you won't play them anymore. ;) :D

 

:lol:

 

And the only worse than being stuck in a strange town with no friends is being stuck in a town with strange friends:tongue_smilie:....now I'm oddly at peace with my own predicament.

 

:iagree: with the poster who said to take note of who didn't poo-poo everybody and make that your list of friends.

[justamouse]

The only thing people hate worse than being beat at their silly reindeer games is being told you won't play them anymore. ;) :D

:lol::lol:

 

I'm sure you, K and W would make an awesome circle to start.

[Mrs Mungo]

Danestress, I think there is a difference between saying, "sorry, I do not have time to make 10 cross-stitch ornaments to give away at the Christmas party, we are just to crazy-busy," and saying, "why would you want to do X? I am too busy for such antics." ;)

[Nakia]

Oh dear. You are as forgetful as I, then. We really should make a note to ourselves, eh? ;)

 

How about this? You remind me, and I will remind you. Okay? ;)

[LG Gone Wild]

I'll admit that I do occasionally sound like that. Only, in my mind, it doesn't sound as poo-pooing. :tongue_smilie:

 

As for silly hectic lives..I flat out say (and I am not actually trying to be rude, it's just natural for me), "That sounds insane. That kind of schedule is of no interest to me. I live low key."

[Denisemomof4]

Wow. Sounds like a real poo-poo party you had there. Everyone pooing on everyone else's joy. It also sounds like they were feeding off each others' negativity.

 

I'd be finding new friends, too. I can definitely see how being around all that would be exhausting.

 

:iagree:

[Denisemomof4]

I have had several friends/acquaintances over the years who were absolutely exhausting to be around. I gradually let those friendships fade away. Life's too short to spend time with people who frustrate and exhaust you. :grouphug:

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that interesting people have lots of interests, and are also interested in hearing about other's people's interests, whether or not they are interested in them themselves. How's that for a diplomatic tongue twister?

 

I also think that WTM people tend to have passions and to try to figure out connections that others don't bother with. It comes from reading so many books, or from studying history for so long in so many ways.

[LG Gone Wild]

I think that interesting people have lots of interests, and are also interested in hearing about other's people's interests, whether or not they are interested in them themselves. How's that for a diplomatic tongue twister?

 

I also think that WTM people tend to have passions and to try to figure out connections that others don't bother with. It comes from reading so many books, or from studying history for so long in so many ways.

 

:iagree:

[Garga]

I think that interesting people have lots of interests, and are also interested in hearing about other's people's interests, whether or not they are interested in them themselves. How's that for a diplomatic tongue twister?

 

I also think that WTM people tend to have passions and to try to figure out connections that others don't bother with. It comes from reading so many books, or from studying history for so long in so many ways.

 

I was thinking the same thing!

 

I don't know if my friends are normally like this and I'm just noticing it now, or if it was one or two egging the others on. I kind of have the sinking feeling that they've been like this all along, but I'm just now noticing, since I've been spending more time with them. Sigh.

 

I really don't like it when people reject new ideas or comments out of hand. I prefer not to be confrontational, but I will confront if I plan ahead and am ready for it. I'm thinking that the next time we get together, if they start up their antics, I can say something along the lines of, "Ok, guys. Do you want to hear more about *topic*, or are you all having too much fun making fun of it?"

 

Then, they can laugh it off and say, "Oh, we're having fun making fun of it!" but then maybe it'll make them think. And if it doesn't, I can comment on it more strongly later. (The kids are all friends, so it would be best if I could change the dynamic of adults picking on people's ideas, and preserve the friendships.)

[Alicia64]

 

:grouphug: I feel like a social freak half the time, too. I end up playing with the dogs or kids.

 

Ha! Ha! This is sooo me!

 

Dh was reading this thread over my shoulder and asked if I started it! :lol:

 

Alley

[Danestress]

Danestress, I think there is a difference between saying, "sorry, I do not have time to make 10 cross-stitch ornaments to give away at the Christmas party, we are just to crazy-busy," and saying, "why would you want to do X? I am too busy for such antics." ;)

 

The OP's friends were being ... socially sort of backwards. It's really rude to be contradictory like that. My mother always says that you never contradict someone in a social setting unless someone's honor is at stake. I wish I lived up to that model. I don't - but I try!

[Little Nyssa]

Hmmm.... About being negative and shooting down other people's ideas in order to brag or make a clever comment:

A good friend called me on this a few years ago-- I'm so glad she did, because I never would have realized how negative and hurtful I sounded.

[UmMusa]

To the OP, I would've picked up on that kind of thing quickly. It drains me and leaves me feeling like everyone is just so negative and, more obviously, selfish.

 

I've also wondered if it's my parenting style, my wanting to set a good example, and to 'do unto others', ... but then I think 'well why aren't other women thinking the same way too!' LOL

 

Hope you find some sweet ladies.

[Rebecca VA]

(Haven't read the other replies, but)

 

If I had to listen to that, I'd put a shocked (open-mouthed) look on my face and say, "Gee, you ladies just don't have any TACT, do you?" That might shut their snarky comments up, at least temporarily.

[Tohru]

Yikes!

 

You, on the other hand, sound like a kind diplomatic person. I'll be your friend, especially if you talk books and bring me cookies in a pretty bag. ;)

 

Cat

 

Me too! And I'd bring you cookies too! And sometimes even dinner if I think you're having a bad day :D

[Tree House Academy]

My New Year's Resolution will be to find gentler, more accepting friends.

 

Next year, perhaps you should swap Lexapro instead of cookies. ;)

[Catwoman]

My New Year's Resolution will be to find gentler, more accepting friends.

 

Mine, too.

 

Cat

[StephanieZ]

I agree. You need new friends. Absolutely.

 

I have no friends like that. Occasionally I make an acquaintance like that. Once I recognize that ugly trait, she is soon crossed off my lists, lol.

 

In fact, I walk regularly with several women (all good friends of mine). . . one of my walking pals invited another woman to join us a few times. . . After two times in a row during which she did exactly that mean-spirited picking thing directed at both my friend & I. . . we agreed that she'd no longer be invited to our walks! No way do we need that kind of negative energy. YUCK!

[OnTheBrink]

I support your endeavors to find better friends!

 

I had a disappointing experience recently. I had just met one of the board members of the co-op dd participates in and somehow, she seemed to know who I was. She asked me if maybe she knew me because I was friends with Lula (not her real name). I said I'd never met Lula. Then the woman asks the woman sitting across from her if she and I were friends, and this woman retorts, "No, but if she were friends with Lula, she'd not be MY friend because I don't like Lula!" :blink: (We never did figure out how the co-op lady knew who I was. After that, I just quickly paid her for the class and skedaddled from that other woman ASAP).

 

So, FF a few weeks. I found myself sitting at a table with the aforementioned tacky woman and the conversation got around to the fact that we work for the same place. Then she proceeds to badmouth it. Now, I love my job. I think where I work is the greatest place to work, ever. It's not perfect (what is?) but I'm proud to be there. So, I found an excuse to escape that scenario and ended the conversation.

 

Third time, I found myself in a group of other moms and she's there. I can't remember how we got on the subject, but I found myself discussing my divorce (she'd been divorced, too, so we were discussing EXes.) She says to me, "So, is being cheated on with another man not as hurtful as if he'd cheated on you with women? I'd think it wouldn't be as big a deal." I looked at her for a second and said, "Betrayal is the same, regardless of the circumstances" and walked away.

 

I now avoid her like the plague. I just don't have time for that kind of BS. If there's a group of women chatting and she's part of it, I don't join in. Interestingly, I've seen her chatting it up with Lula, too. The evil in me wanted to ask her about why she'd bother chatting with someone she clearly dislikes so much! (I refrained). Lula, as it turns out, is a very kind lady and we've become friends.

 

But man, it sure is disappointing to have to deal with people who have no clue.

[nrg]

I am obnoxious in the presence of meanness. I would have opened a topic by saying I had read a fascinating article about being supportive of one's friends, or about having good manners and speaking positively, or about appreciative instead of critical thinking, etc. Then I would enjoy the comments. Then I would leave.

[Rhonda in TX]

My experience says to let her keep thinking you're playing, too. I frequently make the mistake of telling people "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not actually playing the mine-is-bigger-better-busier game." It tends to alienate them every time. How silly of me to keep forgetting that little fact. ;)

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I wish I had the nerve to say that!

[angela in ohio]

(Haven't read the other replies, but)

 

If I had to listen to that, I'd put a shocked (open-mouthed) look on my face and say, "Gee, you ladies just don't have any TACT, do you?" That might shut their snarky comments up, at least temporarily.

 

Then they will tell you that YOU are rude, and that they didn't mean anything negative at all... with big innocent eyes looking at you like you are the one with the problem.

 

And then the next time you get together, one of them would talk about how SHE is very kind and you all should be more like her, because all of you guys are so mean and rude.

 

Which would last a few weeks, and then all would resume as usual.

 

Not that I'd know from first hand experience... :leaving:

[angela in ohio]

The OP's friends were being ... socially sort of backwards. It's really rude to be contradictory like that. My mother always says that you never contradict someone in a social setting unless someone's honor is at stake. I wish I lived up to that model. I don't - but I try!

 

That's our rule, too. Unless contradicting the person will save someone's life or reputation, we let it go.

 

Like you, I try but fail sometimes...

[unsinkable]

Interesting that several of the negative comments came down to I'm Too Busy For That. I've noticed that being busy (or the even more obnoxious and increasingly common phrase, "crazy-busy") is a bragging point. Of course, the people I know who are far Too Busy to do the things other people might enjoy still manage to find the time for their own favored leisure activities.

 

It's really a lot of fun to opt out entirely. I can honestly say that I'm not especially busy or stressed, even at the holidays. When I say that, some people look at me as if I'd just announced that I roasted kittens for Thanksgiving dinner.I think Unicorn put it very sagely.

 

The poor kittens on this board...:lol:

[unsinkable]

I think that interesting people have lots of interests, and are also interested in hearing about other's people's interests, whether or not they are interested in them themselves. How's that for a diplomatic tongue twister?

 

I also think that WTM people tend to have passions and to try to figure out connections that others don't bother with. It comes from reading so many books, or from studying history for so long in so many ways.

 

Love it!

 

Reminds me of one of my favorite TV quotes. Frank Burnes from MASH said, "It's nice to be nice to the nice." :lol:

[Garga]

I'll be your friend, especially if you talk books and bring me cookies in a pretty bag. ;)

 

Cat

 

That sounds great! I love to talk about books. (And to eat cookies...)

 

I would have loved to visit with you about the owl book! I think I've read the same book

 

It was called Wesley the Owl. I hope it was the one you've read. It was a beautiful story. The woman started writing it in the months after her beloved owl died, probably as a way to work through her grief.

 

 

Today at church, I had a lovely conversation with another friend of mine about the owl book, and she agreed that it sounded like a lovely story and she would have cried at the end too. No snarkiness. I think I'll take her out to lunch!

[Sun]

That does sound tiring. I also bet that those ladies have no idea how they sound.

 

I'm dying to know the name of the book about the owl raised by the biologist. Want to pass the name on?

[Soror]

I try to avoid those people as well. I know the people you hang around tend to influence how you act. I just realized the other day that one lady I was trying to befriend the other day has many qualities I don't wish to emulate. There are nice positive people out there, just hard to find.

 

I try to talk to other people about their interests as well. I can have no personal interest in doing something but listen intently about someone talking about something they are passionate about.