Anyone feels guilty staying home and husband working?

[May]

No, I don't feel any guilt. When our youngest was in traditional school, I approached my dh about going back to work. He said he was more then happy to be the sole provider but if I felt it was something I wanted to do then go for it. Instead, I started subbing in our dds school. I quickly changed my mind about working fulltime. Of course I didn't know at that time I would be homeschooling our youngest. When dd is done with school, I think I'll put in for early retirement.:001_smile: My dh will be the first to say he loves me being at home. It has made his job so much easier.

[KellyinPA]

No guilt here. We've been married for almost thirty years and during the "lean" times during those years I had a pt job or two. But I hated it. I love being home, dh wants me to be home. I do try to do as much as I can to make things a bit easier on him. If I can make a phone call, run an errand etc. I will happily. My youngest children just turned 9 so I don't have babies to tend to anymore ( although I do help out with the grands when able), life is quite enjoyable right now. Guilty? Not a bit;)

[Dmmetler]

Yes, but mostly because DH is going through such horrific job stress right now that I wish he could spend a few months at home, just as a break. And if I had the skill-set where we could job-share, I'd do it in a heartbeat. not because I think that I'd be less stressed, but so we could spread it out. I'm busy, and I've got a lot on my plate, but for the most part, I enjoy what I do. He just plain doesn't.

[kokotg]

nope. I've asked DH more than once, at various stages in our with-kid lives, and he's always said he wouldn't want to trade places with me. He's a teacher, so he has a good bit of time at home, seeing what it would be like. We both have work that we find, for the most part, challenging and satisfying.

[Jumping In Puddles]

Maybe this will make you feel better about what you do! :001_smile:

 

I'm a full-time working mom, and I envy the stay-at-home parents!

 

My husband is the stay-at-home parent, but he doesn't do laundry, dishes, bathroom cleaning, paying bills, etc. He cooks, and sometimes clears the clutter, and that's it.

 

:grouphug: I would send the kids to school and tell dh to get a job. :sneaky2:

[FairProspects]

No. Besides all the brillant philosophical reasons stated above, me being at home saves us so much money. The average daycare around here costs tens of thousands of dollars for a 4 y.o. (let alone for both kids). I looked into getting just a part time job - 8 hrs per week, and even with me making $15/hr, we would still be paying more in childcare than we would be taking home. It was just insane and not worth it.

 

I do wish that Dh wasn't so pressured at work to do so much more for so much less money, and that he could find reasonable employers and a job where he is happier. But that seems to be a common theme here...:glare:

[mrbmom77]

Well, I've never been married, so I can't really speak to the guilt thing.

 

I've worked FT since I was 15. Two years ago I quit to finish my degree, and we're mostly making ends meet on income tax returns and student loans. :glare: I will tell you, I have worked harder this past two years than any job I've ever had. And I've washed dishes, waitressed, supervised, cleaned hotel rooms, and been an office manager and executive assistant.

When I worked FT, the kids were in ps, and no one was home all day to make a mess. I only had to supply one meal since they ate the others at school. Summers they stayed with my grandmother and she usually fed them and had supper waiting when I got home.

 

Now, the house is actually lived in 24/7 and needs more care, we eat here 3x/day, I homeschool, and all this involves lots of planning and research also. The kids do their part, but it's still more work than when I went to a job M-F 8-5. And the people who used to think it was great that I worked so hard to support my kids don't mention it anymore. :D

 

If I were married, I would so be a SAHM and not feel one minute of guilt.

 

I've always seen it like this - you wash & iron his clothes, keep his house, bear, rear, & educate his children, make three meals a day, coordinate the family schedule, nurse him when he's sick, and all the thousand other things it takes to keep a family running. Then, after all that is done, you still find the energy to warm his bed. Get up the next morning and start over. And for all this you only ask love & respect from him & the kids.

 

He goes to work & gets paid, knowing you will take care of everything at home.

 

FTR, almost all of my married friends who work FT still do all of the housework and childcare while hubby watches the sports channel or goes hunting b/c "he works hard and deserves it". One of them wants to stay home with her girls, and we've actually done the math and concluded she's actually contributing $0 after daycare, gas, etc. Her husband won't let her b/c he thinks then he can't afford his hunting lease and 4-wheeler.

 

Don't ever feel guilty for staying home and caring for your family. :rant:

 

Like I said, I've never been married, so take it for what it's worth.

[CAMom]

Nope. I'm so done feeling guilty! I'm 41 years old and have spent virtually my entire adult life feeling guilty about this, that, the other thing and everything in between and I'm done with it!:D

 

He has his role and I have mine. I don't feel guilty for not fulfilling his role and he doesn't feel guilty for not fulfilling mine. My role has just as much worth as his does.

 

I find great joy in the fact that, although I am imperfect, my husband often tells me that his life is easier because of me. He is quick to let me know that my love, devotion and loyalty to him and our family makes our home a safe place for him to land and that I decrease his stress just by being here for him.

 

He doesn't work 24 hours a day and neither should I. We both deserve our rest and time to recharge. I refuse any longer to feel guilty about it. It's very freeing!;)

[KrissiK]

Oh yes! Total guilt. Although I am starting to get over it, because I figure that my peace of mind is worth something to the overall well-being of my family and if I'm exhausted and stressed then it's detrimental. So, I'm working on relaxing a little more often.

[sassenach]

Maybe I'm just missing that guilt gene. I so rarely feel guilty about anything. The only time in our marriage that I carried guilt over not working was when he was working multiple terrible jobs to get us through a spell of unemployment.

 

We both have our roles in this family. Both are important and both benefit each other. He wants our home to always have a parent present. He wants basic chores to not be his worry. He wants his kids home educated. He gets what he wants by providing a lifestyle where I am at home. I want those same things and I provide them by staying home and putting in the work it takes to pull it all off. There's not a single thing for me to feel guilty over.

[Jenny in GA]

I battled with this often, especially in the summer if we were, say at the pool. I told my dh and he told me I was being silly. It makes him proud of himself that he's able to provide for us in a way that allows me to stay home with our boys and even goof off and play at the pool with them.

 

Well, if both parents are working at the same day/time, then you would have to hire someone to "goof off" at the pool with them, whether it be a nanny, Y camp counselor, whatever.

 

So even "goofing off" is "work." If you weren't doing it, you'd have to pay someone else to do it for you.

 

Jenny

[Denisemomof4]

no, not at all. I have entertained those thoughts in the past, but that was YEARS ago.

 

I remember when dd 10 was a baby and I went away for the day. When I came home, dh was running out of the house, baby in hands, boys inside, house somewhat clean, dinner made. He was running out to tell me he was exhausted and he didn't know how I did it every day. :D He didn't get to shower until I got home. :lol:

[Stacy in NJ]

Dh has a pretty interesting job which he enjoys most of the time. :D

 

While my "job" is vital, it is, sometimes, less interesting. :confused:

[RoughCollie]

No. Absolutely not. DH could never do all that I do, nor would he want to.

 

I wouldn't mind job sharing because I CAN do what he does, and I want to.

Edited July 20, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug: I would send the kids to school and tell dh to get a job. :sneaky2:

 

:iagree:

[Plucky]

No. He stayed home and helped me after giving birth to each of our kids (he's a great caretaker). After the last one, he said he was looking forward to going back to work because he needed a break! LOL

 

I feel bad that sometimes he doesn't like his job, but sometimes I want to run away from mine, too. We're a team and without the other this family would not run as well.

[coralloyd]

Not at all! I am the one who makes this family a family. It is the most rewarding, fulfilling, and important job on the planet. Now I can understand my dh feeling guilty, when he can't spend as much time and effort as I do when it comes to the fam. But me feel guilty, why? It makes no sense to me. I'm building lives and an atmosphere of peace, not just a career. How can I feel guilty about that?

[smrtmama]

Occasionally, but then I remember how much he'd have to pay to hire someone to do all the things I do here, and I don't feel so bad. I work, taking care of a home and homeschooling is a JOB!, and MY hours are much longer than 10 a day.

[Barb_]

Nope. By his own admission, he'd much rather do his job than mine.

 

Barb

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

No, I don't. My workday only ends when I go to bed. I believe it's merely that my work schedule, ie, home school, housework, cooking, errands, etc. is different from his. He's off evenings, I am not. He's off weekends, I am not.

 

:iagree: I don't feel guilty either. Having a job would be much much easier than staying home and homeschooling.

[Momma2Many66]

No, because what I do inside the home is 10 times harder and more important then any work I have ever done outside the home at a 9-5 job and I worked some really hard and rough jobs in my lifetime !

 

Daily my jobs consist of work as a cook/baker, gardener, maid, chauffer, butler, nurse, teacher, principal, janitor, professional boo boo kisser, dog walker, personal shopper, menu planner, body guard, home interior designer, referee, policeman, hostage negotiator (my toddlers can get rough:lol:) and countless other jobs depending on what kind of day we are having. :001_smile:

 

My husband totally agrees, he thinks my being here and taking care of our home, the kids and educating them each day is much more stressful and difficult then his work at his job will ever be.

 

He does not want to trade jobs with me, ever !

 

I love my job and everyday I get up and do it again, for FREE !

[sagira]

Sometimes. Like now. I'm 11 weeks pregnant, exhausted, with a head cold, and can't deal with the smell of raw meat. Dh works nine hours, gets the groceries, cooks, and takes care of me and the kids at night. Then he still goes ahead and works another hour or two on the computer. The man is gold. I love him to pieces.

Edited July 21, 2010 by sagira

[RoughCollie]

I remember when my boys were 3 years old. One of them had made an exciting discovery. "Mom, Mom!", he said. "I figured it out! Eve was the first woman and she was also the first maid!"

 

I was astonished. Now, of course, I don't hear much about Eve ... the kids are too busy talking about child labor laws. :D

Edited July 20, 2010 by RoughCollie

[ChristineW]

No. Dh routinely works 12 hour days and at least once a week he works for 15 hours. He loves his job, and is ambitious.

 

I used to work on a 9/80 schedule and my husband begged me for months and months to quit. The kids were in daycare for 12 hours a day, were often sick and we fought on who would stay home. We were all stressed out and no one was happy. The stress was bad enough that I was put on bedrest midway through my pregnancy with our third baby due to preterm labor. After a month away from work, my body fully recovered and I carried S full term. We missed my income but were sooo much happier as a family that I resigned. One year later, my DH still thanks me for quitting and makes sure that I have escapes from the kids so that I don't burn out and want to return to work.

 

 

Christine W

[Mimm]

I feel guilty all the time. I'm not a terribly good housekeeper, so that adds to it. I was in school for years with the intention of working when I got out. Well, I graduated a year ago, and the economy is just terrible. In my area, there are very few jobs in my field. There's a lot of competition for the ones that exist. I could freelance, but I haven't found the motivation to make anything happen there. Moving to an area with more jobs isn't a good option because our finances aren't very stable, we have a lot of family in the area that we don't want to move away from, and it would involve my husband giving up a very stable (though not terribly fulfilling) job. So we're cutting back on expenses and we're homeschooling this year. We'll see what the future brings.

[Blessedfamily]

With all that I do around here, and with the two race cars that I gave birth to??? No. Not at all.

[katemary63]

I only feel guilty when I don't feel I've done my fair share of the work that it takes to keep our family funtioning and meeting it's goals, what ever that may be. It doesn't have a lot to do with me staying home. I know when I've been lazy or taken advantage of the fact that I have less accountability then he does. At those times I know I'm in the wrong. But I sure don't feel at all guilty in the normal course of my busy day for taking a break.

Edited July 21, 2010 by katemary63

[Lacie]

I do feel guilty. I know that I don't get as much done as I feel that I should during the day. I am just so tired somedays, I do the best I can but that never feels like enough.

 

I do 90% of the cleaning and cooking, and almost everything for the boys. I teach kids' bible class twice a week, attend ladies' bible class once a week (in addition to regular services), and update the congregations website.

 

I wake up with the kids about 6:15 am Everyday. Hubby gets up at 8:30 am Sunday-Thursday and about 10 am Friday and Saturday. We go to bed about the same time. *This is the only thing that helps me not feel guilty*

 

I wish I could get more done, that I could get more sleep... I think I would be happier and more productive with more sleep.

 

Sorry I didn't mean to ramble. Sometimes it just builds up until it all comes out.

 

Thanks ladies if you have made it this far.

[Rosie_0801]

I feel bad that I can't do more around here. I do my best, but it is a pretty lousy best. I've had to accept that this stage of child rearing is just the way it is. The dumb thing is that dh accepted that years before I did and would really rather not hear me crack the tearies over it.

 

For the most part, though, no I don't feel guilty. If I wasn't here, dh would barely be part of this family he works so hard for. He lets me stay home far more for me than for the kids, and would rather like having more money around, but he doesn't go to work to fund a miserable family. He goes to work so we will be happy. What makes us happy is to be able to be here together, so he's just fine with that. I don't really think he puts much value on my being able to tell him what the kids have been doing each day, but that's only because he's never had to go without. It would be bad for his soul even if he didn't ever manage to put his finger on what the problem was. Even though he's loving his job, he'd much rather be at home like I am, but he doesn't grudge me having the experience. Better someone than no one.

 

Actually, dd and I went out with my brother last week, leaving ds at home because he was napping. Dh said he felt guilty because he spent an hour on the couch cuddling the boy, instead of doing housework. Then he remembered I had told him that he was supposed to spend time with his son, so he relaxed, cuddling babies now being a "proper job mandated by girlfriend" and cuddled and cuddled. :)

 

Rosie

[charmama4]

I feel bad that I can't do more around here. I do my best, but it is a pretty lousy best. I've had to accept that this stage of child rearing is just the way it is. The dumb thing is that dh accepted that years before I did and would really rather not hear me crack the tearies over it.

 

For the most part, though, no I don't feel guilty. If I wasn't here, dh would barely be part of this family he works so hard for. He lets me stay home far more for me than for the kids, and would rather like having more money around, but he doesn't go to work to fund a miserable family. He goes to work so we will be happy. What makes us happy is to be able to be here together, so he's just fine with that. I don't really think he puts much value on my being able to tell him what the kids have been doing each day, but that's only because he's never had to go without. It would be bad for his soul even if he didn't ever manage to put his finger on what the problem was. Even though he's loving his job, he'd much rather be at home like I am, but he doesn't grudge me having the experience. Better someone than no one.

 

Actually, dd and I went out with my brother last week, leaving ds at home because he was napping. Dh said he felt guilty because he spent an hour on the couch cuddling the boy, instead of doing housework. Then he remembered I had told him that he was supposed to spend time with his son, so he relaxed, cuddling babies now being a "proper job mandated by girlfriend" and cuddled and cuddled. :)

 

Rosie

 

I'm glad both you and your terrific dh understands the important job of child cuddling!!!!

[Guest janainaz]

I work a lot at home just keeping things going. I feel like I have equal, if not more, responsibilities and just because I don't get a paycheck does not mean I'm not working.

 

Aditionally, two working parents have to share the work load of keeping the house up and making sure that their children are keeping up in school.

 

So, no, never have I felt guilty for staying home.....and working. I look at it like I WORK from HOME. :001_smile:

[Barb_]

I remember when my boys were 3 years old. One of them had made an exciting discovery. "Mom, Mom!", he said. "I figured it out! Eve was the first woman and she was also the first maid!"

 

I was astonished. Now, of course, I don't hear much about Eve ... the kids are too busy talking about child labor laws. :D

 

:lol:

[jenL]

Honestly? No.

 

Dh has one fulltime job - going to the office.

 

*He* says I have three - 'homemaker,' SAHM, and homeschool teacher/mom. (I agree with him!) We try to divide up the homemaking duties so that it's more like he has 1.5 jobs and I have 2.5. ;)

 

But, no, I don't feel guilty. We work as a partnership, and right now in our lives, he's the one who can bring in a larger income, which we need to make the partnership/team work. The family is a unit, and we're greater than the sum of our parts. I don't feel guilty simply because society view his role as more valuable than mine.

 

 

:iagree:

[Paintedlady]

Honestly? No.

 

Dh has one fulltime job - going to the office.

 

*He* says I have three - 'homemaker,' SAHM, and homeschool teacher/mom. (I agree with him!) We try to divide up the homemaking duties so that it's more like he has 1.5 jobs and I have 2.5. ;)

 

But, no, I don't feel guilty. We work as a partnership, and right now in our lives, he's the one who can bring in a larger income, which we need to make the partnership/team work. The family is a unit, and we're greater than the sum of our parts. I don't feel guilty simply because society view his role as more valuable than mine.

 

 

:iagree: With every word.

[LibraryLover]

No. Never.

 

I keep the home fires burning.

 

Some of what I do I know my dh finds boring. And granted, some of it is boring, and I do try to pawn some of that off on the kids. ;) (Kidding...we are pretty good at helping each other as needed).

Edited July 21, 2010 by LibraryLover

[carolinagirl]

Not at all. I gave up my career to stay home with our children. I gave up college to homeschool our children. I'm thankful that my husband does well and can provide a comfortable life for us, allowing us these options that are important to us. But I also feel that I have sacrificed a great deal as well for our family.

 

I do feel that when he comes home, he shouldn't have to work another four-five hours before bed. That even though there are things needing done around the house, he deserves free time on the weekends. So I try to spread out weekend 'honey-do' lists, try to do most of what I can on my own.

 

When the boys were little, I expected help in the evening when I needed it. Raising little ones is exhausting and it is 24/7. Now that the boys are teens/pre-teens, I make every effort to get hubby some 'me' time when he gets home from work. I get plenty of 'me' time when I need it now. :)

[Mommee & Baba]

Simply put. No.

 

My dh and I both work for our family. What he does happens to provide financially and what I do happens to provide emotionally and educational. We both feel equal in our marriage and the family we've been blessed with.

 

I have no problem sitting and watching tv news for an hour or more because on evenings when he is sleeping during the night, I'm up with a teething baby or my older children that are having nightmares or leg cramps..all the while not disturbing my dh. So no I don't feel guilty. We pull our own weight in the family.

 

We happen to love our jobs without guilt!

[lisabelle]

No. I don't feel guilty. First of all, I feel *fortunate* that we have the luxury of me being able to stay at home and educate our child. Secondly, while I don't do all the housework, I manage every other aspect of my husband's life (and he likes it that way): I manage the money, I budget when he wants toys (I figure since he's the one who's making the money he should have the right to his toys--if we can't afford it as soon as he wants it I make it a priority in the budget); I manage his social life. He has absolutely no shame in telling his friends to check with me when something social is planned. I know his calendar better than he does. I do the grocery shopping and I make a nice home-cooked meal every night. And the dh appreciates that not only will I be educating our son next year, I am able to drive ds to all his extracurriculars that round our the ds's life.

 

For the most part dh is free to do whatever he wants when he gets home and on the weekends. He feels it's a good partnership and I feel like a valued contributor. I once had a career, but it pales in comparison to being a mom. I didn't know it when I got pregnant (in fact, I was quite ambivalent about the whole thing), but I was MADE to be a mom. I hope we are always lucky enough, financially, for this to be our life.

[Debbie in OR]

Nope. By his own admission, he'd much rather do his job than mine.

 

Barb

 

Ha! Same here :001_smile:

[TX Bluebonnet]

Sometimes I do. But dh is in CA on a two week business trip with his best friend. They had the weekend free so they went to Vegas. I have never been to Vegas with my dh. I have never been to Vegas period.

 

So yeah, I get to stay home and sometimes relax more than he does but he gets to do a lot more fun stuff. He also gets to sleep all night and I get up with the kids. My oldest didn't sleep through the night until he was four. My youngest will be two next week and he still wakes up at least once a night. I would get a job if it meant I could sleep. Well.... okay maybe not.:D

[Hikin' Mama]

I do work, and lots of it. :D I just don't get paid for it.

[Peela]

No, I don't feel guilty.

Sometimes I feel jealous that he has a career. But I get a lot of positive energy from various people in my life for homeschooling, and a lot of people thinking I must be amazing, so I get plenty of strokes.

 

But mostly, I work just as hard or harder than he does. He doesn't always acknowledge that, but he only actually works 20-30 hours a week, and I work more than that at the moment because I homeschool, do ALL the housework (apart from kids' chores) and have 2 part time jobs, one of which is a new business that needs a lot of attention. I work hard!

 

I haven't always had "productive" work to show though, and I think that is what makes people feel guilty with little kids. Changing nappies that need changing again and again, answering endless questions, just being there and available for kids day after day, year after year, is very tedious work that is fairly unrecognised and isolating in our society. It doesn't feel like one is doing anything useful...nothing is produced at the end of the day except an alive, sometimes screaming child.....yet of course we know it is incredibly valuable work.

 

And because a woman CAN go to work and also have children, many presume she should. That being productive is important.

 

My husband wants me to stay home though, so I dont feel guilty. Quite the opposite. I dealt with my feminist programming a long time ago- the thoughts that say I should be out there in the workforce being "equal" with men, and leaving my kids to others to bring up.

[Jeanne in MN]

Yes, sometimes. I think part of it is because I don't clean as much as I could or should. I wish I could do a better job of keeping up on my end of things. I think another part of it is, for whatever reason, money is tighter than it has ever been and we are not getting the money set aside for dd's braces, or dh's dental work. I feel like, if I worked we could take care of those things. I also dream of traveling with my kids and it won't happen if we don't have more income.

 

The last part is I grew up on a farm and always worked,ever since I was young. We were expected to be out working after school, weekends, summer, I worked out there all through college and that work was valued so highly that staying at home, doing house stuff feels so unimportant. My dad cooked most of the meals, we did our own laundry and helped with dishes and cleaning floors, but the outside work was always so important-or at least that's how I percieved it.

 

I think it would help if my husband was totally on board with our hsing. It feels more like hsing is my "hobby" and financially it's costing us a lot of money. But I know in my heart, you can't put a price tag on it either.

[Celia]

Not at all! Being a SAHM is pretty much working 14hr days, then being on call for the other 10! Heck, sometimes I envy his 1hr commute. Sounds so much more peaceful!

[Aubrey]

No, but I felt guilty when I was working. Dh was home w/ the dc. He'd just graduated & was looking for a job while I taught.

 

I got a lunch break, (theoretically) a planning period, & other small perks. If I had to work late, he just had longer kid-duty. (I worked an avg of 80hrs/wk.) And I was horrible about helping when I came home; I just couldn't switch gears. I'd stare at the dc & just. not. feel. anything. It was scary.

 

We both much prefer it the other way around. :001_smile:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Yes, ALL.THE.TIME.

 

And hubby feels guilty and worried when I take a job (currently, I'm working fulltime). This is a little worse right now as he is out of a job (been a week now <sigh>) and I'm doing so poorly physically.

 

Of course, then with a job, I feel guilty for all the things I'm missing and not doing.

 

Such is life, I guess.

[iquilt]

Not a bit, and I'll tell you why. I used to, until I realized how well this system works for us as a family. My dh is self-employed and puts in a ton of hours, not a regular 9-5 M-F type of schedule. If I was not taking care of everything else at home, his business would not be as successful as it is now. Now he doesn't have to work quite as many hours and we all get to spend lots of family time together. I enjoy being at home and managing our schedules as well as driving everyone around to all of the activities. I also truly enjoy teaching them at home and am looking forward to starting our next school year.

[MommaOfThree]

I feel the same way all the time .. DH says he doesnt agree with these feelings. He actually thinks I need to take more time off because I do so much everyday - But, the guilt wont allow me!

[Carrie12345]

To feel guilt, I would have to believe I've done something wrong. I can't imagine what could be wrong with taking care of one's children and home.

[angela in ohio]

I don't know about guilt, but I appreciate dh's efforts on our behalf so much that it keeps me working hard here at home. He has at times worked up to three jobs while going to school to get us where we are now.

 

He in turn, tells everybody that I work harder than he does and loves on me for any little thing I do extra. :001_smile: We each think the other works harder, and it makes us appreciate each other and give more ourselves.

 

Each of our positions has benefits and drawbacks. Mine has longer hours, but his is on a set schedule with less freedom to plan his own day. His is more demanding because there are people who need things from him. I think if our dc weren't taught to be well behaved and helpful, I might think I worked harder. But he has employees who behave much worse than my dc. ;) He makes more important and difficult decisions at work than I do, and I don't like doing that, so I'm relieved he has to and not me.