s/o "She's dumber than a bag of hammers, bless her heart...."

[LunaLee]

My dad's favorite:

"Got more (insert whatever) than Carter's got liver pills."

 

And as long as you say "Bless her/his her heart..." at the end, everything is always ok.

[dragons in the flower bed]

My grandmother often said, "He talks like a man with a paper a**hole."

 

I still don't know what that means, but it still makes me laugh.

 

A person with a paper a** doesn't have anything behind him to back him up, nothing to sit on. It means a person who has no substantiation for his statements.

 

It is hilarious.

[Liz CA]

"He/She doesn't have the sense God gave geese."

"Born dumb and never learned anything."

"He can charm the hind end off a horse"

"Dumb as a stump"

:D

Edited July 14, 2010 by Liz CA

[Mom in High Heels]

This thread is too funny. One my dad says all the time (he got it from my grandfather) is:

 

If his brains were gasoline there wouldn't be enough to drive an ants motorcycle around a bb.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

When I would say that I wanted something my parents would say that "people in hell want ice water". I say to my kids, "People in Houston want ice water" or....."it's good to want things. It lets you know you're ALIVE!"

 

My husband says, "hamburger meat" which drives me batty. We don't say "ham pork" or "chicken poultry" now, do we?!

 

Nervous as a cat in a roomful of rockin' chairs.

 

Slicker than snot on a doorknob.

 

Like STINK ON A MONKEY!

 

When one of my kids has eaten a LOT (like 'growth spurt' quantity) my mom says, "He ate so much he's just as tight as a tick!"

[FlockOfSillies]

We can't leave out Foghorn Leghorn: "That gal's about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."

 

And here's one I say about my older brother: "He could sell an anchor to a drowning man."

[Amber in AUS]

Here are a few from my school days -

 

- same dog, different leg action

- what do you think this is, bush week?

- six of one, half a dozen of the other

- get off the grass

 

And i am sure i have more but need to get the dinner sorted for these starving kids :)

[Lisa in Jax]

When DH and I were dating he used to say things that just amazed me. My mom's from Texas, but she'd never said this stuff, so it was all new to me. When I mentioned it, she knew. every. one. ;-)

 

A few examples:

 

"Finer than frog's hair split seven ways."

"That's Moorish" (more-ish : tastes good, I'd like more)

"Larrapin' good (really good)

"He's a rock - igneous." (not smart)

"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

"Sharp as a drawer full of spoons."

 

From his dad/grandpa:

 

"I'll knock a knot on you a show dog can't jump!"

"More useless than t*ts on a boar hog."

"Sh*t in one hand and wish in the other..."

"Colder than a witch's t*t."

"Pee like a Russian Rhino."

"Run like a scalded dog." (This one bothers me!)

"Sat on a frog." or "Barking spider" (passed gas)

 

I've teased my kids about beating them with wet noodles, but I didn't know it was a common thing to say, so I had to chuckle when I saw it on another post. ;-)

[Perry]

I'm loving this thread. :lol:

 

A sandwich short of a picnic.

From the shallow end of the gene pool.

Somewhere, a village is short an idiot.

[lollie010]

My mom says that all. the. time. LOL

 

 

You can't ride two horses with one ass! (Meaning, make up your mind already).

 

Never heard this one, but it is my new life quote. Love it. I have been having trouble making some decisions lately and this was just the kick I needed.

[2cents]

"Dumb as a stump"

and the completely baffling...

"Deader than a doorknob" my parents used to say this when something died, like the toaster or lawnmower. I used to say it too until someone asked me when was a doorknob ever alive or even close to it. They had a point. :lol:

[Melissa in Australia]

I moved deep into Central FL's farming community 5 years ago, and I still laugh at "Well bless her heart." Here it is said after they find out there was an accident, death, etc. "Well bless her heart, can I make something (food)?"

 

I have only heard 2 people who use " bless her heart", and they are always referring to people who have had a bad accident or died.

[stripe]

and the completely baffling...

"Deader than a doorknob" my parents used to say this when something died, like the toaster or lawnmower.

My mom always says "dead as a doorknob."

[angela in ohio]

I just love the insult with an added "bless her heart" b/c somehow that makes it ok. :D

 

I have a friend who says, "You know what 'bless your heart' means, right?" It means, "You are SOOO stupid." :D

 

We tell dc that they are a few fries short of a happy meal when they do something silly.

 

Db and I used to torment each other with, "When they were passing out brains, you thought they said trains, and said, 'No thanks, I'll take the bus.'"

Edited July 14, 2010 by angela in ohio

[Miss Marple]

"Looks like someone got beat with the ugly stick"

[Susann]

Oh, my goodness-these are hilarious:lol: Great way to start the morning. My absolute favorite is "She's just sharp as a jellybean"

[Miss Marple]

"He could sell a bald man a hair brush" - a smooth talker

[Catherine]

Dumber than a box of rocks. "Me strong leg bull"---thanks mom for those gems!

[mommaduck]

The lights are on and no one's home.

 

Not the brightest crayon in the box. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

 

You make a better door than a window.

 

What the Sam Hill?! What the dickens?! and What the Sam Hill dickens?!

 

All Ya'll...

 

What'cha tryin' to do, drink the Mississippi dry?z

 

Cross the crick (the "crick" being the Mississippi River)

 

Just a skip and a jump.

 

Would ya holla at 'em?

 

Knock your noggin'.

 

Up in your face.

 

Don't sass. Don't get sassy.

 

Fill one hand with what you want and the other with $h-- and see which fills up faster (courtesy of my stepdad when we'd say "I want")

Edited July 14, 2010 by mommaduck

[fairfarmhand]

From my dad... (when something made him angry)

 

"I didn't cuss, but where I spit the grass wouldn't grow!"

[holdoll]

Our mom used to say, "Look in the mirror, you'll get fed up!" whenever we told her we were hungry.

[I talk to the trees]

Oh! I needed a good laugh this morning! This is great! I'll add a few of my favorites from my grandfather:

 

"If you don't knock it off, I'm going to yank your arm off and beat you with the bloody end of it!"

 

"When they passed out looks, she/he thought they said books, and she didn't like to read."

 

"When they passed out noses, she/he thought they said roses, and asked for hers/his big and red."

 

(and this one has been mentioned) "When they passed out brains, she/he thought they said trains, and she/he wasn't going anywhere."

[Nakia]

I thought of a few more:

 

Sh*t or get off the pot (said when you are in traffic and someone in front of you won't go).

 

He couldn't find his *ss with both hands. (Unfortunately I am guilty of using this one at least weekly.)

 

He's/She's as nervous as a porcupine in a balloon factory.

 

a few sandwiches short of a picnic

[nukeswife]

Here's a few more that came to me this morning.

 

"He/She must have sneaked into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking"

 

"Couldn't find his/her way out of a paper bag with a map and a flashlight"

[KJsMom]

Your daddy wasn't no glassmaker. (You're in the way/can't see through you)

I'll have to think, I know I've heard more that aren't posted.

[Desert Rat]

"She's got sweet spirit." That means she's not anything to look at. I laughed so hard the first time I heard that!

[ThatCyndiGirl]

We say of my brother that he "can't find his way out of a wet paper bag".

 

It's true, too. I'm always amazed when the boy can find his own way home, bless his heart. (He isn't the sharpest knife in the crayon box!)

 

Madder than a wet hen.

 

So mad I could spit nails!

 

So thirsty I'm spittin' cotton!

 

 

So hungry I could eat a horse! (Sorry, remudamom!)

[I talk to the trees]

Okay, I thought of another one!

 

"You look like you were sent for and couldn't go, got there and wasn't needed!"

 

I cannot count the times I have heard my father say this, and I have never figured out exactly what it's supposed to mean!:confused: I think it has to do with someone being confused or frustrated. Anyone want to shed some light on it for me?

[Mejane]

"Looks like someone got beat with the ugly stick"

 

This is awful and I hated when he said it, but an old boyfriend used to say "She could make a ragdoll puke."

 

My dad used to say, "You mouth moves faster than a whipporwill's *ss in a windstorm."

 

Grandma: "You're slower than molasses running uphill in January."

 

Mom (if you stood in front of the tv): "Your father wasn't a glass-blower."

[*Amber*]

My DH's favs are

 

it's hotter than a two weinered billy goat.

 

Crazier than a three legged cat.

[amydavis]

From my dh's side of the family:

~Prettier than a field of daisies.

~Happier than a bumblebee in a field of daisies.

~Cuter than a speckled puppy in a little red wagon.

~Wish in one hand, sh*t in the other, and see which one fills up first.

 

From my side:

~Colder than a witch's t*t.

~If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its *ss. (This was said to me whenever I'd try to negotiate after being given an answer, often using "if/then logic.")

~Lips are flappin' - brain is nappin.' (Talking without thinking)

~Loose lips sink ships. (Talking out of turn, revealing more than needed)

~Your rights end where mine begin. (Dad was quite the libertarian, LOL!)

 

I know there are more...I'll have to think about it!

[Love2Smile]

my favorite is:

 

"She's one taco short of a combo plate"

[MamaSheep]

...And here's one I say about my older brother: "He could sell an anchor to a drowning man."

 

Lol...my mom was saying to me the other day how impressed she was with my dh's ability to support our family, even in tough times. She said, "He could sell you the shirt off your own back and make you happy you paid extra."

[funschooler5]

Every time we'd get in the car to drive somewhere, my grandpa would say, "We're off like a dirty shirt!" :tongue_smilie:

[charmama4]

these remind me of the chapter in the Core Knowledge book (what your __ grader needs to know) where it lists all the *familiar sayings*.

 

However, I don't think you would find most of the ones listed here :lol:

 

here's a few more for ya:

 

Make a better door than a window (someone standing in front of the TV)

 

Make like a tree and leave

 

Better pick up that lip or you'll trip (mom used to say this to me all the time when I pouted and I use it today!!:lol:)

[bairnmama]

I remembered a few more, too.

 

Just a hop, skip, and a jump away.

Couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

More ___ than you can shake a stick at.

I'm gonna hang you from the clothesline by your toenails.

[Baseball mom]

Db and I used to torment each other with, "When they were passing out brains, you thought they said trains, and said, 'No thanks, I'll take the bus.'"

 

 

I always heard it as "When God was passing out brains, you thought he said rain and took cover"

 

Instead of Deader than a doorknob my dad use to say "deader than a doornail"

[mrbmom77]

I always heard it as "When God was passing out brains, you thought he said rain and took cover"

 

 

 

That's how my grandpa said it. He also said "whatever blows your skirt up"

 

I'll knock you into next week!

I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. or I was born at night, but not last night.

He's gittin' too big for his britches.

She was runnin' around like a chicken with her head cut off!

I got the short end of the stick on that deal.

He's all hat and no cattle.

Her cobbler's so good it'll make your tongue slap your brains out!

three sheets to the wind (drunk)

goin' to fist city (fighting)

In response to How are you? - If I was doin any better, there'd have to be 2 of me.

[charmama4]

Compliments of my ex when a bill collector called for him

 

can't get blood from a turnip

[ThatCyndiGirl]

"I was busier than a one-legged man in an @$$ kickin' contest!"

 

"He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a lady in white gloves."

 

"He could sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo" (Inuit)

 

"Slower than molasses in January"

[Lara in Colo]

Like trying to find fly poop in pepper.

 

Speaking of bill collectors: My uncle used to say: They can't eat ya!!

 

 

If you leave your feeling in the isle, they'll get stepped on!

Edited July 14, 2010 by Lara in Colo

[BlessedMom]

When someone is complaining, without real merit, about something "unfair, boring, etc..."

 

~"Life's tough............and then ya die"!~

[5kidsforME]

You're like a dog with a bone- when someone won't let something go.

[Jeannie in NJ]

dh's favorite is If pigs had wings, they could fly.

He says this when someone claims that they can play a sport better than a professional athlete can

 

I like:

 

he's lying thru his teeth

when you get killed , don't come crying to me

Don't have a hissy fit.

 

I just now said to my dd "you have 2 legs too"

when she said that the cat wanted food

[sandellie4]

We heard this one while watching the television:

 

Don't let me be the moldy cheese in your refrigerator of hope.

[Ginevra]

I'm laughing my knickers off!

 

Here's one I say:

"That'll go over like a hair in the macaroni salad." (unpopular choice)

My daughter is pokey and I say:

"You're like a snail on Valium." :D

If I'm asked how I'm doing:

"Better than a two-time lottery winner."

 

 

From the movie Over the Hedge, I love when the skunk character says, "I'm gonna blast you so hard your grandkids will stink!" :lol:

 

My dh says these:

 

Fish or cut bait. (make up your mind)

Sure you can do it/have one - when you're one-plus-twenty (to the kids)

About as fair as income tax (not fair)

She's spent too much time at the buffet table (overweight)

She's been to see Dr. Dupont (err, BooK enhancement)

 

 

My mother had a slew of violent threats. They mostly went in one ear and out the other, but, now that I'm a mom, I'm astonished how often she said these:

 

I will wring your neck!

I'll knock you into next week!

I'm gonna KILL you!

I'll beat you so hard, you won't sit for a week!

And, if we were dumb enough to cry about anything, "I'll give you something to cry about!"

[Nakia]

"I was busier than a one-legged man in an @$$ kickin' contest!"

 

 

 

Now, that is hilarious!!!!!!!

[lighthouseacademy]

most of the ones I grew up with have been posted (although some not until this last page!)...

How about

 

"Take a rolling doughnut and a flying leap." (along the lines of take a hike)

"Take a very long walk off a very short pier." (same idea)

 

I find it interesting how many refer to someone being dumb.

[unsinkable]

never met a stranger -- said about some one who can get along with/talk to anyone

 

BFE or EBF --- these are really, really crude ways of saying something is very far away -- bum eff egypt and east bum eff

 

You're so ugly they have to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the dog to play with you.

 

like a bum on a bologna sandwich

 

He's got his head so far up his @$$ he can't see daylight

 

off like a prom dress

Edited July 15, 2010 by unsinkable