s/o "She's dumber than a bag of hammers, bless her heart...."

[Perry]

Those sayings are just cracking me up.

 

Can we start a collection of some of your favorites?

[1bassoon]

"Well, that dog just won't hunt."

 

(Translation: That argument won't hold water.)

[newlifemom]

I just love the insult with an added "bless her heart" b/c somehow that makes it ok. :D

[Cinder]

"She's dumber than a bag of hammers, bless her heart...."

 

Haven't heard this version. Our version is "Dumber than a box of rocks with the smart rocks taken out."

 

 

Cinder

[melissel]

That thread had me laughing so hard I was crying!

 

I don't think this is regional or anything, just my grandmother's famous phrase:

 

"Quit arguing back there or I'm going to knock your heads together like a pair of coconuts!"

[FaithManor]

Dh's favorites:

 

"His elevator doesn't rise to the top."

 

"She's a few bricks shy of a load."

 

My mother's: "That person is as dumb as a fence post."

 

Mine: "These people are sheep!" (If you've ever raised sheep or been around them for very long, you will understand this one.)

 

Oh and I met someone the other day that was just so dense that this thought, though not very nice, popped into my head (thankfully, I have been taught manners and did not say what I thought), "Wow, she makes my ducks seem like Mensa candidates!"

 

And on economics (dh likes to say this when the checkbook is very low), "We're tighter than two coats of paint!"

 

Faith

[Nakia]

"She's as ugly as homemade sin." I have no idea what that means, exactly, but I'm pretty sure it's darn ugly.

[BlessedMom]

When something was a bit distasteful or gross my Grandma used to say:

 

"That's enough to gag a maggot!"

 

It always made me laugh! Maybe because it just seemed so out of character for how proper she always was??

[fhjmom]

"She's as ugly as homemade sin." I have no idea what that means, exactly, but I'm pretty sure it's darn ugly.

 

Yep, heard that one.

 

My dad *always* says "six to one, half-a-dozen to the other" meaning two choices are just about equal or he doesn't care. I heard it so much growing up I never really thought about what it meant. LOL!

 

My brother has a ton but I can't seem to think of any right now. If I can come up with them, I'll be back. :)

[dangermom]

'Dumber than a box of hair' is one of my favorites. Though usually I just say 'not the sharpest knife in the drawer.'

[BlessedMom]

Here's another one I've heard often:

 

"The lights are on but no one's home"

[Amy loves Bud]

It's colder than a witch's t*t in a cast iron bra.

 

You'll bust your nugget. (Southern)

 

You'll bust your cruller. (N. Eastern)

 

Quit borrowing trouble. (This is perhaps my favorite.)

[Kirch]

I worked as a teller in a bank in a small Arkansas town one summer during college. I greeted a customer with "Hi, how are you?" one day, and his answer was, "Finer than a frog hair split five ways!"

 

I think my favorite not-quite-all-there phrase is "a few french fries short of a happy meal!"

[RhondaM.]

She doesn't have the sense of a June bug!

[Crissy]

My grandmother often said, "He talks like a man with a paper a**hole."

 

I still don't know what that means, but it still makes me laugh.

[Pretty in Pink]

I worked as a teller in a bank in a small Arkansas town one summer during college. I greeted a customer with "Hi, how are you?" one day, and his answer was, "Finer than a frog hair split five ways!"

 

My mom says that all. the. time. LOL

 

Some sayings that make me laugh:

 

Quit blowing smoke up my arse! (Quit lying to me).

 

She's not exactly the brightest crayon in the box...

 

You can't ride two horses with one ass! (Meaning, make up your mind already).

[Julie in Austin]

"She looks like ten pounds of poop in a five pound bag."

 

"He's one taco short of a combination plate."

 

"like white on rice"

[helena]

I just picked this book up at a second hand shop: http://www.amazon.com/Scholastic-Dictionary-Idioms-Marvin-Terban/dp/0590381571. It looks great! I was surprised at how few my kids knew.. (I'm leaving it out on the ottoman hoping we'll read through it this summer :001_smile:).

[~Jo]

Wish in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills up faster.

 

My dh tells the dc this all the time when they want something :lol:

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

"He doesn't have the good sense God gave a goat." Translation = he's dumb.

[3littlekeets]

How about

 

"He's as useless as t*ts on a boar"

 

and

 

"Happier than a fat tick on a skinny dog."

Edited July 14, 2010 by 3littlekeets

[3littlekeets]

Wish in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills up faster.

 

My dh tells the dc this all the time when they want something :lol:

 

My grandaddy said that but substituted the p in spit with an h :D

[pooh bear]

When something is going fast - "Like sh*t off a shiny shovel"

 

"About as much use as a trapdoor in a canoe"

or

"About as much use as a chocolate teapot/fireguard"

 

"I'll go to the foot of our stairs" - Used as an expression of amazement or to be astounded by something.

[nukeswife]

"Not the sharpest tool in the shed"

 

"Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier"

 

"A couple slices short of a whole loaf"

 

"Dumb as a stump"

 

"Not playing with a full deck"

 

I know there are more dh and I say but that's all that have come to me tonight.

[krisperry]

"my heart is pumping peanut butter" - meaning they were not concerned about the situation

 

"you'll argue with a fence post and when it won't argue back, you'll pull it up argue with the hole" - said when someone won't "drop it"

 

"half again as big" - I don't think this one is odd as I grew up with it. My my husband is just perplexed by it. It means x + x/2. So any number plus its half

 

"Good Lord have Mercy if that ain't something I'll hush my mouth" - by those southern women who are thunderstruck by an event

 

"I'm scaring 40" - about to turn 40 years old

 

Driving "like a bat out of hell"

[1bassoon]

My grandaddy said that but substituted the p in spit with an h :D

 

Oh, my grandma did that, too!

[Mert]

"He doesn't have the good sense God gave a goat." Translation = he's dumb.

 

I love a line from Driving Miss Daisy which is similar to this.. "She doesn't have the sense God gave a lemon!" Esther Rolle delivers it BEAUTIFULLY! :D

[Chelle in MO]

These are so funny! Here are some more:

 

That's about as useful as a screen door in a submarine.

 

That's about as useful as a horse with a kickstand.

 

That went over like a lead balloon.

 

That went over like a t*rd in a punch bowl.

[Starr]

Dumber than two rocks

Peabrain

Dull as dishwater

[Paintedlady]

My dad, who's a bit of a comedian, always says, "Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone." :tongue_smilie:

[jld]

That's a good one, Carrie. Reminds me of the Dutch soccer players . . . :auto:

[nukeswife]

I just remembered another one my dh likes

 

"He/She must have fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down"

[bairnmama]

I've always heard, "That's about as useful as a screen door on a submarine." Also my mom would tell us whenever we would do something that made her nervous: "If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"

[charmama4]

Here's another one I've heard often:

 

"The lights are on but no one's home"

 

She's as sharp as a bowling ball!

 

Two beers short of a six pack.

 

We need go-go juice (meaning gasoline)

[Slartibartfast]

"She's as ugly as homemade sin." I have no idea what that means, exactly, but I'm pretty sure it's darn ugly.

It probably wouldn't be something I would want to see :lol:

[Baseball mom]

His elevator don't go all the way to the top

 

He's as mad as an old wet hen

 

Finer than frog's hair

 

Fish or cut bait

 

Don't be ugly

 

Dumber than a box of rocks

 

Like 2 peas in a pod

 

Not the brightest crayon in the box

 

Don't count your chickens before they hatch

 

You're barking up the wrong tree

 

Dumb as a fence post

 

Well shut my mouth

 

Like a bump on a log

 

He/she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down (or change ugly to stupid)

 

I'm gonna beat you with a wet noodle

 

You're getting to big for your britches

[pie]

dhe's got the personality of a wet rag (none)

I've been rode hard and put up wet (working hard)

I'm gonna fock a nart outta you! (I'm going to punch you)

it was as big as Texas and twice as dusty (really big)

I'm plum tuckered out (very tired)

I'm fixin to cloud up and rain all over you! (you'd better straighten up before I "get onto" you!)

 

that (dress, whatever) is as ugly as sin (really ugly)

fox is the finder, stink lays behind her (same as he who smelt it, dealt it)

you bet, G.I. (ok!)

he is smart as a whip/dumb as a stump

he's a tall drink of water (real tall)

cold as a witch's t*t in a brass bra in Nebraska

hot as sar (very hot)

Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub phew! how unsanitary! ..(this is actually how I learned this and thought it went till i was an adult! lol)

that's all i can think of off the top of my head,

this is fun, gotta go to bed now though so

good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite!:D

[charmama4]

I see said the blind man peeing in the wind, it all comes back to me now. (meaning: I get it I get it!!)

[Melissa in Australia]

He's got 'roos in his top paddock....... meaning a bit simple.

[Melinda S in TX]

My dad was full of them.

 

"Best thing since sliced bread."

 

"That makes as much sense as useful as peeing on a forest fire."

 

"Slicker than snot on a brass door knob."

 

"Colder than a well diggers butt in Montana."

 

"Cold enough to freeze the hub caps off a snowmobile."

 

"He's a can short of a six pack."

 

"It's colder than a witch's t*t in a brass bra."

 

"He's as useless as t*ts on a boar hog."

 

"He's dumber than a speed bump."

 

 

From dh's grandmother

 

"Well, every pot has to sit on its own bottom."

[Rosie_0801]

This was one of my great grandmother's:

 

"She don't paint my dunny door."

 

 

:)

Rosie

[flyingmommy]

Some of my mother's favorites: Can't never could do nothin'

 

Ain't seen hide nor hair of him (can't find him anywhere)

 

Well, I'll be! (when my son was little, he asked me if I'll be was a cuss word)

 

So ugly she'd have to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.

 

Don't y'all be in there a-messin' and a-gommin' (to this day, I don't know what gomming is).

 

Don't dispute my word! (don't argue with me)

 

I'll pay you back when I shear my frogs (I guess this one goes along with finer than frog hair).

 

A hoopin' and a hollerin' (making lots of noise)

 

In case you didn't notice it, my mother was a major hick! :P

 

J

[kym]

 

And on economics (dh likes to say this when the checkbook is very low), "We're tighter than two coats of paint!"

 

Faith

 

...or "We're so po' we cain't even pay attention!"

[jvenice]

I trust him as far as I can throw him.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

If you can't listen, you'll have to feel.

Can't never could.

 

there are so many more, and they are backwoods country so when I can remember I will post more.

[Parrothead]

I just remembered another one my dh likes

 

"He/She must have fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down"

I've always heard that one as falling out of the ugly tree.

[flyingmommy]

I forgot some....

 

I'm gonna knock a wart on you a bullfrog can't hop over!

 

My mother always used to threaten to "Tie our tails together and throw us over the clothesline"

 

Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

 

I'm gonna knock you a-windin'! (I'm noticing a slightly violent trend here. LOL)

 

I'm gonna skin you alive! (Yep, definitely violent)

 

J

[Tiberia]

"If his brain was dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose."

 

"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

[Tiberia]

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

 

 

This reminds me of one Lucy said to Linus:

"If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all... or are you too stupid to know that?!"

[Alphabetika]

My mom says (in lieu of "For crying out loud"):

 

For crying in the bucket

For crying in the spittoon

Honest to Pete

[Audrey]

"not the brightest penny in the pack"

"happier than a tick on a dog, or a pig in s*it"

"like white on rice"

"beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes straight to the bone, and it looks like a dog's been gnawing on yours."

"dumber than dirt"

"when God was handing out (brains, looks, sense) s/he/you forgot to get in line"

"beat you like a red-headed step-child"

"doesn't know s*it from shine-ola"

"doesn't know his a** from his elbow"