S/O- what would you do if your teen daughter became pregnant?

[PiCO]

Have you discussed this possibility with her?

 

My 16-yo does not date. She does, however, have a lot of male friends (she goes to public school.) Dd actually decided on her own that there's no reason to date unless you are ready to get married. We are atheists, so there was no church influence in this decision.

 

Anyway, I have had many conversations with her about how to not get into a situation with a boy where he might be expecting more that she is.

 

I told her if she gets pregnant she will go through her 9 months of discipline, and then I will adopt the child. We also joke about sending her to her aunt's house for 9 months, but I think I would really keep her here.

[LG Gone Wild]

Probably a bit of jack slapping, tears, praying, and eventual acceptance. This happens in life.

 

We are conservative Catholics so of course out of wedlock relations and births are against the rules but we also accept that man fails, repeatedly.

[sbgrace]

I would cry, grieve the hard parts coming/changes of expectation, listen, pray, and support whatever decisions she made (adoption, her parenting, etc.).

 

I wanted to add my reasoning here. Whatever she decides has life long consequences, adoption included, for her. I wouldn't want to try to unduly influence that decision let alone make it for her.

Edited July 15, 2010 by sbgrace

[Mejane]

Not sure, but we are pro-choice so that would be one of her options.

[LauraGB]

You mean after I went through the roof? I can't honestly say for certain because she's only 11 now, but I would hope I could pull forth the grace and wisdom I was so moved by from the earlier thread. And I think I can.

 

ETA - I can also honestly admit I would feel inclined to be much harder on my son if he were in the same predicament. But I'm not sure why.

[PiCO]

Not sure, but we are pro-choice so that would be one of her options.

 

I am also pro-choice in theory, but I think one needs to be responsible for a life they have created. So I would not want my dd (or anyone else for that matter) to get an abortion unless the pregnancy was putting the mother's life at risk.

[HRAAB]

I would cry, get mad, then give her all my support. She would have a strong support system with her family.

[Mejane]

I am also pro-choice in theory, but I think one needs to be responsible for a life they have created. So I would not want my dd (or anyone else for that matter) to get an abortion unless the pregnancy was putting the mother's life at risk.

 

Oh sorry, I didn't realize this was going to be an abortion debate. I though you were asking what we would do in this situation. Feel free to ignore my response.

[Plucky]

Cry, despair, mourn, get over it, love her and the baby, and support her through it all.

[Wheres Toto]

Since my dd is 16 and just started "dating" her first boyfriend I have thought of this. I think it's unlikely since we talk very frequently about what could happen. More than that - she has two little siblings that she thinks are the biggest PITA sometimes so knows that having a baby is not all fun and games. She's seen firsthand the sleepless nights, crying, poopy diapers, etc. and frequently mentions not wanting kids until she is MUCH older.

 

If it did happen I would support her in whatever she felt she needed to do but I know she would have the baby. She had a close friend who had a "scare" and was talking about ending the pregnancy. My dd was livid as she is supportive of this option for health or rape but not if "you got yourself in this situation because you were stupid" (which from what she told me of this case, the friend definitely was - not saying thats always the case).

 

I would expect her to continue going to school. Since I am a SAHM, I would babysit while she was either at school or working. Any other time she wanted me to watch the baby, she would have to ask and pay the way she would any other babysitter. Although I would probably put the money away for when she eventually moves out without telling her. This would be more to make sure she realizes that the baby is her responsibility, not mine.

[Carrie12345]

My kids are still young, but dh and I have touched on the subject.

 

Our kids are our kids, and we're here for them, whatever they may need. Needing *help dealing with a teen pregnancy/teen parenting is something we can manage (after the anger and tears). Fully parenting a grandchild doesn't meet my criteria for "need" (barring even worse circumstances), and I have no desire to "manage" it.

[tofuscramble]

Also pro choice, here. It would ultimately be her decision on what to do, she is the one who has to live with it. That said, I don't have any daughters. :tongue_smilie:

 

If one of my sons got a girl pregnant, I would encourage them to support the girl in whatever she decided to do and if she kept the baby, then he would have to do all he could to help support and raise that child with her, whether they choose to be in a relationship together or not.

[Nakia]

My girls are still young, so we haven't talked about it happening to them specifically. I hope that if we ever have to deal with it that I can handle it with grace and love and respect. I don't think there is any other way.

[Rosie_0801]

After yelling "Oh, what did you go and do that for?"

 

1. Tell her she has just started the biggest and most important research project of her life, but it won't be graded based on an essay ;).

2. Then drag her boyfriend in and tell him the same!

3. Work at supporting them as a couple for as long as that is the best course of action.

4. Do my best to guide them both into making well thought out decisions as per that research project I just mentioned.

5. Support them in learning to parent, together and separately.

6. Beat her over the head with a brick if she thinks the baby is hers only, and not his.

7. Beat him over the head with a brick if he thinks the baby is hers only, and not his.

 

Ok, numbers 6 and 7 might not be stressed quite that violently.

 

8. Work really really hard at making the mental transitions in everyone's heads that they are adults now, even if they don't look like it.

 

Rosie

Edited July 14, 2010 by Rosie_0801

[PiCO]

Oh sorry, I didn't realize this was going to be an abortion debate. I though you were asking what we would do in this situation. Feel free to ignore my response.

 

Ummm... I was making conversation. Sorry if I offended you, that was not my intention.

[Saille]

ETA - I can also honestly admit I would feel inclined to be much harder on my son if he were in the same predicament. But I'm not sure why.

 

I think I would be too, and I know why. B/c, unless he wound up in a committed long-term relationship with the woman involved, my son would be opening himself and the child up to the possibility of life as an auxiliary/weekend parent. That would crush me. And I think I'd expect him to make some pretty tough decisions about college, b/c I'd have a problem with him living out of geographical proximity to his child during that time...

 

I think my mantra, over and over and over again, will be, "Would you want to have a child with this person? B/c if you have sex with him/her, you are opening yourself up to being tied to this person for the rest of your life, and you need to behave as though you are consciously choosing your child's parent. Picture your child's life with this person."

 

That's my biggest fear. Bigger than high school or college or pregnancy or midnight feedings. Seeing my grandchild raised from a distance by someone I don't trust.

 

Back on topic, though, whether it was my son or daughter, my child and my grandchild would have a home with me until my child had finished school, but my *child* would be expected to be the parent. Period.

[Scarlett]

Once I saw Oprah interviewed.....she got pregnant as a teen...and her father had told her prior to that....that he would rather see his daughter floating dead down the East River than be pregnant out of wedlock. She told no one she was pregnant until she was far along. At 7 months, after a visit to the doctor and her father being told...she lost the baby from the sheer trauma of it all. Btw, I don't believe her father really meant what he had said. But I think SHE believed it.

 

I've never forgotten that. I do not have a daughter. But I have never forgotten that. When our loved ones get in trouble, we need to support them as they recover and go on.

[May]

I would support her through her pregnancy and pray that she would chose to give the baby up for adoption.

[gingersmom]

After breaking out the smelling salts to revive me.........

 

I have no doubt I would give my daughter a big hug and move forward.

 

I was watching 16 & pregnant on MTV and it was a good springboard for us to discuss what happens when you get pregnant in high school.

[keptwoman]

I was not a teen mother, but I did go to my mother at the ripe old age of 23 and in a brand new relationship and tell her I was pregnant. She (very strong Christian beliefs) bawled her eyes out and said she had failed as a mother. I would not do that, ever. It was horrible, I can imagine that it would be a great deal more horrible at 16.

I would do my best to keep the burden of my emotions about it all away from my child.

 

Other than that, love and support. And while I'm pro choice in theory, I would try very hard to steer her from that particular choice.

[CLHCO]

The twins are joined at the hip, have very little interest in boys, and at least one only has eyes for her banjo, so I'm not immediately worried. :D

 

I think they generally know what my reaction would be though, from how I think other people should treat young women in similar circumstances. We are pro-life, and have supported places that look after young women in such circumstances, with dignity, not condemnation. Beforehand, you provide tools to avoid, discuss moral expectations, etc. Humans, however, never manage to live up to expectations in a lot of areas. We lose our temper, get snarky, unloving, and sometimes we get carried away when we would otherwise believe better. We avoid opportunities for that to happen, but if does, forgiveness is a must, and babies are a blessing.

[jewellsmommy]

Dd is 8 so we are hopefully far from concern. However, we have had the pre-talks emphasizing our values and expectations. That being said, I can think of so many far worse things than a baby...even at a young age. I would not freak...there would be no screaming or yelling. We would work it out. We would be there for her. I would expect her to grow up and be responsible. As much as I would gladly accept a baby and raise it as my own, this would and should be her (and the daddy's) baby. Anything else would be a dis-service to dd.

 

I wonder if part of the way I view this is coming from my history of infertility. I would want dd to be married first, establish their relationship, and then have a baby. That is the ideal way. I would be sad for what dd had opened herself up to emotionally and physically by engaging in 'activities' prematurely. But, in the grand scheme of things many a woman has had a baby young, learned from it and grew through it. I just can't bring myself to see it as a tragedy.

[Crissy]

I think they generally know what my reaction would be though, from how I think other people should treat young women in similar circumstances. We are pro-life, and have supported places that look after young women in such circumstances, with dignity, not condemnation. Beforehand, you provide tools to avoid, discuss moral expectations, etc. Humans, however, never manage to live up to expectations in a lot of areas. We lose our temper, get snarky, unloving, and sometimes we get carried away when we would otherwise believe better. We avoid opportunities for that to happen, but if does, forgiveness is a must, and babies are a blessing.

 

I don't have daughters, but I hope I would be as wise and graceful and caring as Cheryl if my children were ever in such a difficult situation.

[rookie]

I love the scene in Juno where she tells her parents and the mom says something like, "Well, we better get some prenatal vitamins."

 

That would have never happened in my family of origin. I decided early on that based on my parents hysterics and primary concern with church & appearances, I would run away from home if I ever got pregnant.

 

I hope that my dc will feel like they could come to me. I also hope that I could be as warm and matter-of-fact as the Juno mom.

[Nakia]

I love the scene in Juno where she tells her parents and the mom says something like, "Well, we better get some prenatal vitamins."

 

That would have never happened in my family of origin. I decided early on that based on my parents hysterics and primary concern with church & appearances, I would run away from home if I ever got pregnant.

 

I hope that my dc will feel like they could come to me. I also hope that I could be as warm and matter-of-fact as the Juno mom.

 

I love that movie!

[Crissy]

I love that movie!

 

:iagree:

[Liz CA]

Imagining the other side, as the mother of a young father. I would support the girl to the extent she would allow it. I would also make clear to my son that it is his responsibility to support the mother and the baby. I couldn't force him into a relationship with the child if he didn't want it but he'd have to pay, get a job and find a way to finish college or whatever dreams he has.

 

I would want to see this grandchild and build a connection, however, I would be aware that - of course unless the two eventually marry - the girl may not want the mother of the guy around that dropped her after getting her pregnant. Eventually she may have a family with someone else and more children and I could just get in the way if I asked to be too involved.

 

I would be very disappointed with my son in a different way than if I had a pregnant daughter. The girl usually bears all the burden here. She is pregnant, she makes decisions about raising the child or giving it to adoptive parents. She is usually the one who also hears more derogatory comments. I would support a pregnant daughter to the best of my ability and assure her of my love for her and the baby.

I am pretty sure I would be more on the upset, pushy side if my son became an uninvolved father. I would see as the ultimate denial of all responsibility, lack of moral character and perhaps question my parenting.

If ds wanted to make it right, I would also be there and support, support and support and love.

[JenC3]

Seems to hardly ever be mentioned here. I'm shocked actually at how many people think it is wise for a teen be a mother and for every "one" case that turned out okay there is "one" or more that didn't.

 

If my dd's play with fire than they will get burned, but the child won't. If they are under 18 and in my home they will have to give the baby up. The only exception will be if they want and are old enough to get married.

 

Now we talk about adoption already and how it is a wonderful godly thing for people to do AND that it is not a "weakness" or "bad thing" to not be ready to parent a child.

 

I am pro-life and have always been a huge supporter of adoption. I'm saddened that so many find shame in such a selfless act. On the rare occasion I've encountered someone who submitted their child to able parents I've congratulated them and praised the selflessness involved.

[Daisy]

I'd be disappointed, of course. I wouldn't have to say a word to her. She'd just know it would be disappointing.

 

But then I'd put actions behind the words I've spoken since she was a tot.

 

God is Sovereign. He knows we are sinners in need of grace. He loves us no matter what. Who am I to act differently?

 

I'd love my daughter.

 

I'd love my grandchild.

 

I'd do everything in my power to assist my daughter is the huge responsibility of growing up overnight.

 

I would NOT push my daughter into a marriage with the young man. If the young man loves the Lord and that is what they decide, fine. But as my mom always said, "Why turn one mistake into two?"

 

I'd hope she'd choose to raise the child, or at least let us, before considering adoption.

 

Abortion is something we are completely against but EVEN if my daughter made that tragic decision, we would never stop loving her.

[outtamyshell]

Interesting conversation. I don't think I could have a hypothetical conversation with my daughter about this subject. I always feel like saying something outloud would give her permission to do it. If we had a plan laid out... well, that would be like setting expecations to me. Does anyone else feel that way? Or is it just me?

 

I have pretty high expectations for morality. We frequently discuss how to stay out of situations that might lead to temptation. It was REALLY tough for me to have a conversation about the birth control with DD. She was around 13, and it went something like this...

 

These are MY standards, and I know that these are your standard NOW. But sometimes people change their standards. I want you to know that if your standards ever do change, that I want you to let me know so we can put you on the pill. I would be disappointed if you chose to live a different kind of life than me, and I think you'll be happiest if you choose chastity. But it would be UNACCEPTABLE for you to be irresponsible. And, frankly, if you're too young to talk about it, you are too young to be doing it.

 

I'm pretty sure I went on to talk about what a terrible thing it would be to bring a baby into the world without a Dad. This point hits home for her since I raised her alone.

 

Anyway... I felt it was my responsibility to have the conversation. But DD was horrified and offended that I would talk like that... like I EXPECTED her to make choices like that.

[Daisy]

I am pro-life and have always been a huge supporter of adoption. I'm saddened that so many find shame in such a selfless act. On the rare occasion I've encountered someone who submitted their child to able parents I've congratulated them and praised the selflessness involved.

 

I don't associate shame with giving up the baby for adoption but rather loss. I'd be terribly sad to miss out on my grandchild's growing up. So perhaps I'm just a bit selfish. Of course, we'd want our daughter to make her choice of raising the child herself, adoption, or having us raise the child based on what is best for the baby. I think we just mean that we'd be happily willing to raise the child ourselves if given the opportunity.

[Nakia]

Seems to hardly ever be mentioned here. I'm shocked actually at how many people think it is wise for a teen be a mother and for every "one" case that turned out okay there is "one" or more that didn't.

 

If my dd's play with fire than they will get burned, but the child won't. If they are under 18 and in my home they will have to give the baby up. The only exception will be if they want and are old enough to get married.

 

Now we talk about adoption already and how it is a wonderful godly thing for people to do AND that it is not a "weakness" or "bad thing" to not be ready to parent a child.

 

I am pro-life and have always been a huge supporter of adoption. I'm saddened that so many find shame in such a selfless act. On the rare occasion I've encountered someone who submitted their child to able parents I've congratulated them and praised the selflessness involved.

 

I am pretty sure no one here thinks adoption is anything other than a beautiful and selfless act. No one has said it is shameful, a weakness, or bad. I mean, lots of parents here are adoptive parents.

 

I just know that if one of my daughters has a baby as a teen, I cannot imagine forcing them to give that child up. If that is what they choose, we would support them. But I don't ever think adoption should be "pushed" just because the mom is young. I will never forget the cries I heard from the hospital room of a 15 year old girl whose parents forced her to give her baby up for adoption. When that baby was taken from her, it was gut wrenching.

[Pretty in Pink]

My immediate reaction would be pretty mild. I mean, I don't know, it's not the end of the world. There would be no yelling or screaming on my part. I know myself better than that. I've been the pregnant teen.

 

I would love her. I would forgive her mistake. I would support her through the pregnancy and assist her in raising the child if she decided to do so. I would assist her in placing the baby for adoption if that was her choice. I would be extremely grateful if she shared the news with me herself.

 

I doubt I'd consent to marriage, but it's not a hill I'd be willing to die on. I'd do all that I could to encourage her to postpone any marriage plans until she was old enough to marry without our consent.

 

I don't even have daughters though. The only thing that I can imagine that would cause me to lose it would be if one of my sons got a girl pregnant and then acted like a jack-ass about it.

[Julie in Austin]

I would strongly encourage (but not require) adoption as I think the odds are high that adoptive parents would be in a better position to meet the baby's needs, which, in my mind, come first.

[Plucky]

Seems to hardly ever be mentioned here. I'm shocked actually at how many people think it is wise for a teen be a mother and for every "one" case that turned out okay there is "one" or more that didn't.

 

If my dd's play with fire than they will get burned, but the child won't. If they are under 18 and in my home they will have to give the baby up. The only exception will be if they want and are old enough to get married.

 

Now we talk about adoption already and how it is a wonderful godly thing for people to do AND that it is not a "weakness" or "bad thing" to not be ready to parent a child.

 

I am pro-life and have always been a huge supporter of adoption. I'm saddened that so many find shame in such a selfless act. On the rare occasion I've encountered someone who submitted their child to able parents I've congratulated them and praised the selflessness involved.

 

There is no shame in it, but I do think it's shameful to make a daughter give up her baby against her will.

Edited July 14, 2010 by True Blue

[Peela]

I was a pregnant teen too- one who was encouraged rather strongly- as in, I didn't feel I had a choice- to abort. I would not do that to my dd, even though I am pro choice.

 

I dont think I would freak out. I think I would freak out more if my ds got a girl pregnant because he is just a different personality and I wouldnt trust him to be responsible. But dd16? I would be concerned for her emotional health because of the relationship with the guy, more than anything. I wouldnt be particularly concerned for the baby because dh and I would support as much as necessary (if it did happen at 16, I imagine she would stay here and we would go through it together, helping her continue her education and prepare for independent life). 19? I would consider her an adult and just support as needed.

 

Dd16 dates and has a relatively normal but probably more protected than normal life with plenty of guy friends and girl friends. She has had a serious relationship where the guy was way more serious than she was ready for, and she left him because of that. She is grounded and sensible and has generalyl good self confidence and good self esteem- and a good relationship with her father.

 

I don't have the moral issues many of you have. I wouldnt see myself as a failure, or that sin was involved or any of that stuff. I would be concerned for her in a motherly way.

But in the end...whether one has babies early or later, they are always a blessing, and having them earlier has its advantages. I would try to see the cup half full. Dd herself would have the consequences upon her for her whole life, so she doesnt need me coming down on her as well.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

Wow, that's a long way away for me. I'm pretty sure the only thing I would be against is a young marriage.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

In front of her? I'd be a little sad, very dissappointed, then we'd start baby shopping and planning for the rest of her life! Most likely I would not allow her to get married, and would encourage her to wait until she is at least in her 20's, but that depends on the situation. She would stay in school, and if she wanted to go to college I'd do everything I could to support her while she did it. I'd provide a place for her and the baby to live as long as she was in school or working.

If she wanted to give the baby up for adoption, I'd support her. But I wouldn't suggest it or encourage this.

If she wanted to have an abortion... well... I hope that she wouldn't want one. I don't know that I would allow her to live in my house after that. I am extremely pro-life.

 

Behind closed doors? I'd cry, cry, and cry some more. Only because I want my daughter to have it easier than I have it. I was/am a young, single mom, and it's tough.

[fhjmom]

Well, I can say what we would do, because our grandbaby is one-month-old tomorrow. Step-DD turned 19 last week. She graduated two weeks before her due date. Our situation is a little different though because DD hasn't lived with us in over a year. Two days after her 18th birthday, she left our house b/c she was tired of respecting the expectations we set (nothing horrible, I promise, really just being respectful, making passing grades, and letting us know where you are/what you are doing). She thought she knew better than us and wanted to "do it on her own" so off she went before the start of her senior year. She tried to go to her mom's (who had been out of her life for over six years) but that didn't work, so then she couched surfed for a while, then she moved in wiht my aunt & uncle for a while.

 

When she told us she was pregnant it honestly wasn't a huge surprise because of the choices she had been making. Our relationship was already under a huge strain so there really isn't much we could say or do. We have been there as much as we can, but made it clear that she (and the young man) are responsible for providing for the child. We have to be very careful about what help or advice we offer because of the way she takes it. I have offered to keep the baby when she goes back to work.

 

I love my grandchild very much, but I am saddened and broken-hearted that DD made the choices she did. She is already making her own life extremely more difficult than it had to be and adding a baby to that only complicates things further. I grieve for her future when I know things could have been so different. I grieve for the difficulties the baby faces because of the circumstances he was born into.

 

I do not judge her but I am disappointed. So many of you on this thread sad things like "I don't think my Dd will get in that postions because she sees her siblings and says..." or "she doesn't really date..." or ... Our DD said she was *never* going to have kids, she hardly ever dated before she left our house (not because we wouldn't let her, she just never asked, we did let her date when she asked), we talked a lot very frankly about boys and pregnancy and s*x. There is no guarantee.

 

The biggest risk I saw in DD, and unfortunately I was right, was low self esteem. I told DH years ago I was worried about DD because she thought so little of herself; the first time a boy made her feel special or "loved" it was going to be over. This was one time I so wish I wasn't right. No matter what we did to try to help that, we couldn't do enough to overcome the pain inflicted by her mother's choices.

 

I do not condone the choices they are continuing to make because she and the father are now living together with no real plans to get married. I do not wish them to get married "because they have to"; but they could co-parent without living under the same roof.

 

It's a very fine line and one I have not always walked gracefully. I mostly hurt for her and the baby. I am scared that she will get mad at us for something and remove the baby from our lives, which would be like a knife in the heart. I mostly just pray and pray hard, then hug that sweet baby every chance I get.

[Amy loves Bud]

All you moms of sons: My sweet nephew is a single dad raising his 3 year old daughter alone. Mom is nowhere in sight. Moms can be deadbeats too sometimes, though I'll give you that it's not as likely.

 

As to the original question, I hope I would handle it with love and grace. I got lucky and didn't get pregnant before I was married, but I sure can understand how it would happen :), so it would be very difficult for me to be very angry. Disappointed at how my daughter's opportunities in life just shrunk, oh yes, but angry, probably not. I would love her and Bud and I would spend a lot of time with her and the father, hoping to guide them to decisions that are best for the baby and then for themselves.

 

It's really hard to answer this question without specifics, isn't it?

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Seems to hardly ever be mentioned here. I'm shocked actually at how many people think it is wise for a teen be a mother and for every "one" case that turned out okay there is "one" or more that didn't.

 

If my dd's play with fire than they will get burned, but the child won't. If they are under 18 and in my home they will have to give the baby up. The only exception will be if they want and are old enough to get married.

 

Now we talk about adoption already and how it is a wonderful godly thing for people to do AND that it is not a "weakness" or "bad thing" to not be ready to parent a child.

 

I am pro-life and have always been a huge supporter of adoption. I'm saddened that so many find shame in such a selfless act. On the rare occasion I've encountered someone who submitted their child to able parents I've congratulated them and praised the selflessness involved.

 

I don't find any shame at all in adoption. It is a beautiful, wonderful thing. I hope to be an adoptive parent one day. I think that women who give their child up for adoption are very strong, selfless, and *wonderful* mothers, because they did what they needed to do.

 

However... I would never *force* my daughter to do something like that. That would only lead to resentment and a broken relationship with my child.

 

Also, I don't think every child born to a young mother would necessarily be better with an adoptive family. We may not have much in the way of material stuff, but my daughter is intelligent, happy, healthy, participates in more activities than children of 2-parent families, gets more of my love and attention than children from 2-parent families around us... Being young (or being broke!) doesn't have to equal bad parent.

[3littlekeets]

My 11 year old son has begun to ask about his body and puberty and sex. As soon as we talked about sexuality, we talked about the nature of loving relationships and the responsibility and beauty of sexual relationships, we talked about birth control.

 

Yes, with our 11 year old son we have talked about birth control. As much as I hear the abstinence line, I far too often have witnessed it fail in real life -- not for the failure of parents or the "sin" of the child, but out of curiosity and human drive. I will work hard to instill in all of my children the values and morals that we hope for him to have, but cannot ignore the reality that teens and young adults sometimes succumb to sexual drives before they are in committed relationships.

 

With my daughter, I will approach it the same way. And, if after we have fully discussed all the options and birth control, and created and warm and open environment (and frankly, I'm FAR more worried about HIV/AIDS than a baby), she becomes pregnant, we will not judge, and we will make the best decision that we can, as a family.

[Kirch]

I am pretty sure no one here thinks adoption is anything other than a beautiful and selfless act. No one has said it is shameful, a weakness, or bad. I mean, lots of parents here are adoptive parents.

 

I just know that if one of my daughters has a baby as a teen, I cannot imagine forcing them to give that child up. If that is what they choose, we would support them. But I don't ever think adoption should be "pushed" just because the mom is young. I will never forget the cries I heard from the hospital room of a 15 year old girl whose parents forced her to give her baby up for adoption. When that baby was taken from her, it was gut wrenching.

 

:iagree: Forcing your child to give up her child for adoption (which would be the practical result of "under 18 and in my home" unless the girl wanted to become a *homeless* teenage mother) is a recipe for anger, bitterness, and broken relationships. That's pretty much the position my aunt was in as a teenager, and her relationship with my grandparents, is still strained 30 years later. The bitterness is definitely still there, and instead of helping her to turn her life around, she ended up going further down the wrong path, which has had devastating results for herself and her children who came along later. I agree that adoption is a beautiful, selfless thing, but it's not something that should ever be forced or coerced. I'm sure it's difficult enough when it *is* the mother's decision.

 

Yes, adoption is selfless, and practically-speaking, it may look like the best option for the child, but when you get down to it, you're talking about *real* people, with *real* feelings, moms with *real* bonds to their babies. I'm not comfortable with the idea of being the one to play God and decide for someone else that her bond with and love for her child is to be torn away for what *I* think is a better home, especially if I have it within my power to help her to be the best mom she can be.

 

If you're going to talk about giving a child up for adoption to parents who can better raise it, then you'd better widen your horizons to include many, many more parents who may happen to be married but are in no way, shape, or form ready for the responsibilities of parenthood. With our first, who among us is? As a child grows, the parents grow too. And many teen moms ARE capable of growing into just as good a parent as any other mom as long as she has the love and support of her family. I suspect that the family variable might be the key in the "for every one case that turned out okay there's another one that didn't" issue.

 

I would strongly encourage my daughter to consider adoption, but I would never force her or put her in a position where she felt that was her only real option.

[IsabelC]

If she intended to get pregnant, I'd congratulate her and tell her she has my full support. If she didn't intend to get pregnant, I'd commiserate with her and tell her she has my full support. Then I'd try my darndest to offer said support to her - and the babyfather (if he's around/involved) - without trying to make decisions for her. (But a part of me would probably be secretly disappointed if she made different choices to what I would!)

Edited July 14, 2010 by Hotdrink

[OnTheBrink]

I'd be disappointed, of course. I wouldn't have to say a word to her. She'd just know it would be disappointing.

 

But then I'd put actions behind the words I've spoken since she was a tot.

 

God is Sovereign. He knows we are sinners in need of grace. He loves us no matter what. Who am I to act differently?

 

I'd love my daughter.

 

I'd love my grandchild.

 

I'd do everything in my power to assist my daughter is the huge responsibility of growing up overnight.

 

I would NOT push my daughter into a marriage with the young man. If the young man loves the Lord and that is what they decide, fine. But as my mom always said, "Why turn one mistake into two?"

 

I'd hope she'd choose to raise the child, or at least let us, before considering adoption.

 

Abortion is something we are completely against but EVEN if my daughter made that tragic decision, we would never stop loving her.

 

:iagree:

[patchfire]

What I would do & suggest to my daughters would depend greatly on what end of the "teen" spectrum we were on. I'm assuming that we're talking about 16-ish, though, not an extreme on either end. In that case, I would try very very hard not to yell or cry in front of her. I do not think we would offer to adopt the baby. It's simply not a situation dh or I would want to put ourselves in.

 

Since we anticipate homeschooling through high school, her high school education, at least, would not be in any doubt.

 

 

If my son came to me and told me that his girlfriend was pregnant (and she'd better at least be his girlfriend!), I would want to know if the girl had told her parents yet, and I'd want to sit down with my son, the girl, and her parent(s) ASAP. Again, I do not think we'd offer to adopt the baby, but I could see offering to homeschool the girl (if she was not already homeschooled) so that her high school education could be easily completed (if she didn't want to continue/could not continue in her current school).

[GWOB]

Haven't read the responses, but this is near and dear to my heart.

 

I got pregnant when I was 19 and unmarried. Granted, I had been in the Navy almost 2 years at the time, but I was still a pregnant teen.

 

My parents handled it horribly. I'd been dating my future husband for a year and a half. We were serious and had decided to get married. (Still married, happily, 10+ years later.) My parents flipped out, cursed us out lower than dogs, still throw it in my face to this very flipping day. I would never do that to my kid. Ever.

 

Teen pregnancy is never really ideal. It is hard to try to figure yourself out while caring for another human, but it can be done quite effectively. If my daughter came to me and said she was pregnant, I would mourn the loss of her youth, but celebrate the new life to come and her role as a mother. Teens can and often do parent wonderful people. My dear mil had my sil at 15. While sil is a bit of a diva (my youngest dd takes after her aunt), she is a wonderful, strong, successful woman. It isn't all horror stories. I knew a girl in high school who had a baby at 16. She graduated college and now has a great career. She is married to a wonderful man and has two other kids.

 

I am a Christian. I do think pre-marital activities should be discouraged, but hey, it happens. More importantly, I think ALL life should be celebrated. Life is life, period. It doesn't really matter how it got here.

[helena]

scream, cry, hug, shop for a crib...?

[yellowperch]

My mother was a teen mom circa 1963. Her dad told her she didn't have to marry the young man and that her baby already had a family and not to worry all would be okay. My mom married my dad because she and he wanted to spend their lives together, and are now approaching their 50th wedding anniversary. But to this day she is so grateful for her father's love and support.

 

There are several women in my family suffering from infertility and other related issues. Our extended family is strong, and if there were a young teen mother among us I really think the support would be there. They'd be aunts and cousins, uncles and grannies all lining up to help.

 

I do, however, support a woman's right to choose. I also know what I would want that choice to be.

 

I'm a long-term planner and I am hoping that by raising children who are informed (about safe sex) and confident (and so not seeking love and affection through too-early or risky sex) I will avoid this particular problem. That's fairly vain, isn't it?

 

Through all the discussions on this issue of late I have been thinking about teen sex in general. Frankly, I don't find it all that shocking. Consider that in many cultures and historically girls married and began their families much earlier than they do in our culture now. Social mores have changed, but I don't think the need or perceived need for physical affection has changed apace.

Edited July 14, 2010 by yellowperch

[secular_mom]

I'd help her pay for the abortion if it were my oldest- she does NOT want to have children and I can only see her becoming pregnant being the result of fail BC. She's not even dating though (and doesn't hang out around/with any males) so it's really not an issue at this time.

 

I wouldn't tell her what to do, I'd just help her in whatever way she needed the help- including if she changed her mind about having children.