s/o Strong Marriage thread. Am I the only one who doesn't need dates?

[Daisy]

Okay, I'll be honest. I think it has probably been 5+ years since hubby and I went on what would be called a traditional date. We don't hire a babysitter and go out to dinner or to the movies. We don't have weekend get-aways, etc.

 

We just don't appear to need them. We spend a lot of time together. We talk a lot. I guess I just feel like I get plenty of one-on-one time after the kids go to bed and don't really need the hoopla of a formal date.

 

Am I the only one?

 

Is it because we only have two children?

[kwickimom]

I have 3 kids under the age of 7 and me and my hubby dont need date nights. We cannot afford/ nor do we know of a babysitter that I can trust. We probably go on one or two a year if my mom is in town. Other than that we are together 24/7 and we are together a few hours in the evening when the kids are asleep and we are doing great. 7 years of marriage and we have great communication. :D

[qfbrenda]

We very rarely go on traditional dates, though we've been told we need to. :glare: We really don't and frankly can't afford them. We figure that when the kids are in bed, we're alone and that's a date. :D We get plenty of time together that way and we have a strong marriage.

 

What's going to be interesting is getting enough time with boys growing into teens who talk best after 10pm AND getting enough time with each other at the same time. We're just starting down that road... we'll see how we work it out.

[happygrrl]

Dh works from home, and the last thing I need is more time talking with him! What I need is alone time.. when we give that to each other we grow stronger. Seems like most of my friends need dates, we do fine without them. My Dh shows his attention and love in other ways. Now, if he worked out of town a lot, or was at an office all day, I might crave some time with just him.

[Corraleno]

Funny — I just had this exact conversation with friend of mine. She asked if DH and I have "date nights" and I laughed and said no, we never do that. She looked shocked and started asking probing questions like there was something terribly wrong with our marriage. :lol:

 

We spend tons of time together (DH works from home), we talk all. the. time. about everything — news, politics, the kids, what books we're reading, some article in Scientific American one of us flagged for the other. We talk for hours every night after the kids go to bed. I enjoy cooking and most of the time I consider restaurants a waste of money. I'd rather watch a movie on Netflix curled up on the sofa with DH and a glass of wine than go to a movie theater. I feel like I've been on a "date" with DH for the last 16 years, why would we need to sit in a restaurant just to talk to each other??? :confused:

 

Jackie

[lllll]

..

[QueenCat]

We don't "need" to go on dates but we sure do like to... ours our older though, so a babysitter isn't needed nor is advanced planning since we don't need a sitter. Often, dates are not planned, and the kids are actually invited to go wherever we're going but sometimes choose not to, so it becomes the two of us.

[Tohru]

We don't do dates here either.

 

We've been married for 14 years and get plenty of time together with the children around and without them after they go to bed.

[Daisy]

I feel like I've been on a "date" with DH for the last 16 years, why would we need to sit in a restaurant just to talk to each other??? :confused:

 

Jackie

 

This exactly! :iagree: LOL. Glad I'm not alone.

[Daisy]

I'm not anti-date. We just don't need them enough to hunt down a sitter and pay for the outing. :D

 

But we are pretty lame. We stand in the card area of Target and show each other what $5 card we would have bought each other for our anniversary and then we use our saved $10 to buy a book. LOL.

[Cindyz]

We're the same! We spend wonderful time together every day and when we go somewhere, we enjoy having our son along. We have never hired a babysitter and my mil has stayed with him two evenings and my sil has kept him over night two times and that's literally the only times we've gone out without him.

[Cindyz]

We stand in the card area of Target and show each other what $5 card we would have bought each other for our anniversary and then we use our saved $10 to buy a book. LOL.

 

 

That's adorable!

[Shelly in the Country]

No regular "dates" here either. We talk all the time and spend every evening together. We will occasionally get Grandma to babysit so we can go grocery shopping without the kids. That's the closest thing we get to a "date".

[Alenee]

We don't necessarily *need* them but we *can* so we do. It's usually only for a maximum of two hours but we love it. It's time where we ignore our cell phones (other than a call from the girls) and we just have quiet. I think it's awesome if you don't need/want to have a date! I also think it ROCKS to have time away from the house with my best friend. Being a stay at home mom and always running here and there for the kids, I like that time where it's just all about me and dh. :hurray:

[Daisy]

We're the same! We spend wonderful time together every day and when we go somewhere, we enjoy having our son along. We have never hired a babysitter and my mil has stayed with him two evenings and my sil has kept him over night two times and that's literally the only times we've gone out without him.

 

We like taking our kids with us also. We all went to Red Lobster for our 15yr wedding anniversary. Our friends thought we were nuts for taking the kids, but they made it so much fun. It was hilarious watching my 8yo try to tackle crab legs. :001_smile:

[Joker]

We haven't been out on a date in about five years. We only went out before that because we had family nearby who wanted to hang out with our dds and would offer to take them for an evening. We are able to have time together just about every night after the girls go to sleep. We also spend at least a half hour talking when he gets home from work. It's just not necessary.

[m0mmaBuck]

What's going to be interesting is getting enough time with boys growing into teens who talk best after 10pm AND getting enough time with each other at the same time. We're just starting down that road... we'll see how we work it out.

 

We have 3 kiddos, aged 4, 8, and 18 yrs. We put the 4&8yo in bed by 8:30-9:00 and then the 18yo will wander out of his room and want to talk ... until midnight if we let him... Doesn't string two words together in a coherant phrase all day but put the youngers in bed and it's non-stop. We actually started making him go to bed at 10:00. The primary reason is that DS18 will miss the school bus at 7:15 a.m. if he stays up late, but more selfishly it is also because otherwise DH and I get NO alone time if we don't send him back to his room. I go to bed by 11:00 so I can get up early for they gym and DH stays up for another hour or so to have a little time to himself.

 

Dh works from home, and the last thing I need is more time talking with him! What I need is alone time.. when we give that to each other we grow stronger. Seems like most of my friends need dates, we do fine without them. My Dh shows his attention and love in other ways. Now, if he worked out of town a lot, or was at an office all day, I might crave some time with just him.

 

I hear that! We run a business from the house. We have 3 technicians including my husband who wander in and out all day long. We have a workspace in the garage (for all of the techs) and our personal office set up in our bedroom but for some reason DH insists on using his laptop in the living/dining/kitchen area (we have an open floor plan so the common area is really just one big room separated by furniture). It drives me nuts. He wants to be involved in what's going on but we need him to be involved in making money. :tongue_smilie:

[Crissy]

We spend a lot of time together. We talk a lot. I guess I just feel like I get plenty of one-on-one time after the kids go to bed

 

I would guess that these things make a big difference.

 

My husband and I work together, and we spend plenty of time alone together, so I don't feel we need 'dates' either.

I don't object, however, when he asks me to dinner once or twice a year. ;)

[m0mmaBuck]

We don't necessarily *need* them but we *can* so we do. It's usually only for a maximum of two hours but we love it. It's time where we ignore our cell phones (other than a call from the girls) and we just have quiet. I think it's awesome if you don't need/want to have a date! I also think it ROCKS to have time away from the house with my best friend. Being a stay at home mom and always running here and there for the kids, I like that time where it's just all about me and dh. :hurray:

 

Sometimes just going to the grocery store together and without the kids is a blessing!

[Nestof3]

Honestly, for me, it's a night off from cooking, and a night without interruptions from talkative children like Nathan. ;)

 

I also love going out with a girl friend.

 

We've always had Aaron or my parents to watch the boys, so it's never been an issue. Date nights are something my husband does to give me a break and to enjoy food other than pizza, fast food or Chinese carryout that I didn't make. So, it's not so much that we have conversations we couldn't have at home, but it's the fact that he gives me dinner out at a restaurant of my choosing about once a week.

 

We also tend to do any shopping we need to do at Target or some grocery shopping together that night.

 

For a while, we planned it on my busiest day. It was refreshing to come home and not have dinner to deal with.

Edited June 12, 2010 by nestof3

[amy g.]

On Sunday we will have been married 18 years. The last time we went on a date was our 10th anniversary. I had a friend who insisted we go out.

 

Our oldest will be 16 this summer, so we don't need a babysitter. I told Dh I want to go out without the kids (except the nursing one) once a month.

 

I would enjoy the extra time with him. I haven't wanted it before now. It felt like just one more thing to do, but something has changed.

[Daisy]

I don't object, however, when he asks me to dinner once or twice a year. ;)

 

Whoa, I'd NEVER turn down a date. :p

[Corraleno]

But we are pretty lame. We stand in the card area of Target and show each other what $5 card we would have bought each other for our anniversary and then we use our saved $10 to buy a book. LOL.

DH and I used to do that too — I thought we were the only ones! Since we've had kids, we're never in Target/Walmart together any more, so now we just make cards for each other, which is really cheap! :lol: (DH is quite a good artist, though, so his are pretty creative & funny).

 

Jackie

[LibraryLover]

I don't know if 'dates' explains what we did, but we did try to have time together. I know we never went years without going out together alone. When the children were little & nursing (I nursed each child several years), we didn't as much, but we still did. We live near good friends and close family (mother, sisters) so it all felt safe and good to let sisters or mon stay at our home. Of course, my favorite times where when my mother or sisters would take the children to play at their homes while we hung out at ours. ;) That's probably my fav thing. :)

 

We have always tried to go away on our ani. We would take whichever nursing babe, but we would still go to places that were meaningful to us. In the past, with nurslings, we tended to have a lot of 60 mintue dates at book stores. :) I loved that. Sweetness.

 

I don't think it's necessary, but we enjoyed it. These days we tend to go dancing, or sometimes ...to a local sports bar for a beer. It's quick, it's cheap, it's sweet. Love it. I do enjoy going out with him.

 

My dh makes me laugh, and I think that is the nicest thing, ever.

Edited June 12, 2010 by LibraryLover

[keptwoman]

We haven't had many date nights generally, but these days with a teen in the house who is usually up as late as we are, I'm feeling the need for them. Fortunately that teen can also babysit the youngers :D

We have had a few nights out in the last few months, and a weekend away hiking together last weekend. It's been lovely.

[Wildiris]

No you're not the only one who doesn't need the date to feel connected with the man in your life.

 

Dear-Loved-One and I stopped going out to dinner 20 years ago this Sunday. The kids had a babysitter once in the last 20 years because Loved one and I went to a "No Kids" wedding.

 

We spend everyday together. We met while working together in a food co-op and never stopped working together. We have never taken a family vacation. Sometimes I think the kids might have missed out on something, but then I recall the long hours of bickering in the family car of my youth and think I might have saved them from "What I Did on My Summer Vacation" talk from inquisitive friends.

 

We do watch movies together, chat constantly during the day, and he brings me coffee in bed every morning. Why do we need a special dinner? We cook better at home anyway.

[LibraryLover]

We haven't had many date nights generally, but these days with a teen in the house who is usually up as late as we are, I'm feeling the need for them. Fortunately that teen can also babysit the youngers :D

We have had a few nights out in the last few months, and a weekend away hiking together last weekend. It's been lovely.

 

We have been loving having our 21 yr old home from college. :D All those exhausting years of breastfeeding, family bed etc., and now we reap the rewards. lol.

 

;) He's so compassionate and loving towards his sibs. He takes amazing care of them. I don't think I trust anyone more at this point. :001_smile:

Edited June 12, 2010 by LibraryLover

[kalanamak]

I have never been on a date, married or unmarried. People have said "you didn't miss much". I'm too old to start now.

[Farmgirl70]

I'll be the oddball. I love our weekly dates. (I don't think anyone here HAS to go on dates, but we do...) Here are the reasons we love our dates:

 

--we live well in our home and my husband runs a non-profit from home and it is just nice to step out and be away from our "workspace" together.

--we adore our kids, but love to have the time to ourselves and our kids will ask if we've missed a few dates, "Aren't you going out?" They like their sibling time. They are now teens and can be home alone, but they are close in age (3 kids in less than 3 years) and when they were younger it was exhausting in the best possible sense of the word.

--we dress for each other and the signal when we date is that there will be a little extra effort to think of one another. Most of the time we avoid talking about kids or work during this time and try to focus on other parts of our relationship or selves.

--our nonprofit work involves working with lots of people and our standing date guarantees focused time for us before the hour of the night when we are exhausted.

 

That said, we don't always do anything expensive or elaborate. Sometimes it is just a walk, sometimes it is a picnic, mostly it is simple. So, while I don't think dates are a requirement of a healthy marriage (even ours), they have been a strong building point for us as a couple and we'll continue even after the kids leave home, I think. FWIW, we just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary and I am more in love with him than ever.

[cajunrose]

I don't need 'date' nights very often. We only have 1 child so that may be why. When she sleeps out, we get our alone time (maybe once every 4 months or so). We have a 'date' on our anniversary usually..or close to it. Most of the time though, I'm content with just spending time with him after she goes to bed. I DO need girls nights frequently though...and I take those as often as I need them. Usually once a month or so.

[Kate CA]

When our children were little we could not easily go and did not have a lot of money, but I wish we had made the time and effort to do it. Even if it was just for coffee for two hours. I think I would have been a better mama to my little ones if I had been able to recharge a little without the responsibilities I had 24/7/365 days a year. I was pregnant or nursing for 11 years straight and that did take its toll. It isn't that I didn't enjoy my children because I did (and do). They are one of my life's true joys and all gifts of God. However, I could have used the time alone with my husband just to be together without anyone else needing us.

 

I also could have written the same post the OP did, as I used to think the same way, but time has changed that view for me. Having five children probably does make a difference too. :001_smile:

Edited June 12, 2010 by Kate CA

[Lolly]

Dh and I don't date. Well, maybe every 3 or 4 years we will. Usually, that ends up being a bite to eat and going to the grocery store. Romantic aren't we? Does that even count as a date? Now, I am starting to think about it. I'm not sure we ever really "dated". What exactly is a date? :D

[Peela]

We dont do dates, but life happens and we do get plenty of time together apart from the kids. When the kids were little, we had no family to babysit and we did jsut a little daycare (family daycare, in a woman's home) and took that time to go to a movie or coffee.

We trained our kids very young to let us go for a walk, or even to a movie, while they stayed home and watched a video.

We dont have official date nights, but we frequently have time where we do things together without the kids. More and more as they get older.

It might be different for people whose dh works full time. My dh is home a lot during the day.

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

We very rarely go on traditional dates, though we've been told we need to. :glare: We really don't and frankly can't afford them. We figure that when the kids are in bed, we're alone and that's a date. :D We get plenty of time together that way and we have a strong marriage.

 

What's going to be interesting is getting enough time with boys growing into teens who talk best after 10pm AND getting enough time with each other at the same time. We're just starting down that road... we'll see how we work it out.

 

That is when they will sleep in late and you and your dh can have coffee dates in the morning.:tongue_smilie:

[LuvToRead]

We don't go on dates, but we go somewhere for the weekend once a year, or every other year. But, my DH works a lot, and I don't get to spend a lot of time with him. He usually goes to bed earlier than our daughters, so we don't even have alone time in the evenings.

[Colleen in SEVA]

Am I the only one?

 

Is it because we only have two children?

 

No, you are not the only one. :D We have 5, we have a very strong marriage, and we choose to not go on dates.

 

We tend to eat out a lot, so going out to eat isn't a special treat. We prefer watching movies at home rather than a theater that is too loud, uncomfortable, and nothing to eat (we watch a couple of movies each week after the boys are in bed, in our pajamas, in recliners, eating our favorite junk).

 

We don't watch tv in the evenings, we spend time talking probably 6 nights per week after the boys are in bed.

 

We have gotten a babysitter a few times, and we have taken the kids to a parents night out thing a few times, and every time we said it wasn't worth the hassle -- babysitters are hard to find in our area, and they only show up about half the time. For PNO, the kids are up waaaaay too late, you have to wait in line 20+ minutes to drop them off, and they call us to come get them for the stupidest things, half the time we had to leave our "date" to go pick up one kid. Why bother!?

 

DH and I agree that we will go out more when the kids are older and don't need a sitter, or when they are up later (though we plan on the "in your room by a certain time" rule when they are older), or if we ever feel like NOT going out is affecting our relationship.

 

For now, we are happy to just sit out back in the garden, or sit next to each other on our computers, or lay in bed and read.

 

DH and I do both spend time with friends some evenings on our own, and I think that is very good for us. He and I have some interests that are different, and I am glad he has someone he can go see action movies with or talk geek stuff with or mountain bike with. He is glad I have others I can sit and have curriculum discussions with. :lol:

Edited June 12, 2010 by Colleen in SEVA

[kmacnchs]

My dh and I have 3 ages 4 & under. Since they go to bed at 8pm and are still young enough that we can talk over their heads many times, we have not felt the need to have a "date night". We just went on our first date night a couple of months ago (our 10 yr anniversary of being together) and that was mainly b/c there was A LOT going on in our lives (maritally speaking) and we needed a night to talk serious talk w/o kiddos.

 

I could see how the need for a date night could change as ours get older (go to bed later and can't talk about stuff in front of them) but right now, there is no need!

 

I have a friend that has her kids on such a flexible schedule that they do not take naps anymore (they are 1 & 3) and they all sleep in the same bed/room at night so she and her hubby have MANY date nights. I feel that b/c our bed is for us alone and my kids take many long naps during the day, we kinda have built-in "kid-free" times during the day & night so we don't feel the need to get away from our kids and just have adult conversation...

[rafiki]

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[rafiki]

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[thescrappyhomeschooler]

We don't have regular dates, either, but we do plan getaways every once in a while (our Harry Potter movie weekends, mostly). And another couple takes us out for dinner every year on our anniversary as a "thank you" for all the business my husband refers to the woman. It is nice to have a good chunk of time alone with the hubster to remember what is was like in the brief time we had before children.

[shannatheshedevil]

We don't go on dates. Frankly, we're a military family and with no relatives anywhere near us (and my lack of trust of anyone else to watch our son), we don't have the opportunity. I don't miss it at all, though. We do all of our stuff as a family, as it should be- he goes everywhere we go. If we need time alone, we spend it on the couch after Seamus goes to sleep. The last time we went out on a "date" was for my birthday when we were visiting my parents. We went to a movie and out to dinner and came straight back home. My parents expected us to stay out much later, but we missed Seamus. ;)

[angela in ohio]

We made it 13 years without a date. We spent every evening together for several hours: reading, watching a movie, talking.

 

Now our dc are old enough for us to go out sometimes. They are also old enough for us to be at their activities a few nights a week and to stay up late enough to interfere with our evening time. So our needs have changed. Now it is necessary for us to go out sometimes for deliberate time together.

[kewb]

We are going on 18 years of marraige and we don't do dates. When the kids were little we didn't like to be away from them. We both worked full time and time with our kids was precious. If we told them now that we wanted to go out to dinner for our anniversary and leave them at home they would be highly offended since we always included them.

 

We talk together after the kids go to bed or when they are out with friends. I don't need the hoopla of a date. Although we have plenty of friends who think we need to go out by ourselves or away for the weekend without the kids. The truth is, we like our kids. We like being with them. The time we have them all to ourselves is so short. In the blink of an eye they will be grown and living their own lives. DH and I will have plenty of time to date when that day comes.

[Jami]

We neglected dating for years and it took a toll on our marriage. Part of it may depend on the industry a dh is in. My husband works in a very young, social industry. Other couples go out together a lot, sometimes for work related events. The more of those type of things that he went to without me, the farther our lives grew from one another. I would have said a year ago that just talking together in the evenings and hanging out at home was enough, but for us it wasn't. We were in "mom and dad" mode at home and not really connecting as people beyond those roles. Now we're *having* to date to work on some things, and it's been so very good for us.

[Joanne]

We don't go on dates. Frankly, we're a military family and with no relatives anywhere near us (and my lack of trust of anyone else to watch our son), we don't have the opportunity. I don't miss it at all, though. We do all of our stuff as a family, as it should be- he goes everywhere we go. If we need time alone, we spend it on the couch after Seamus goes to sleep. The last time we went out on a "date" was for my birthday when we were visiting my parents. We went to a movie and out to dinner and came straight back home. My parents expected us to stay out much later, but we missed Seamus. ;)

 

Really?

 

I find the assumption of "no dates" being a good thing to be as damaging as the assumption that a couple *has* to go on a date to be healthy (one of the things I didn't like in my early years of parenting was the odd 'you must get out and away with your husband "thing". Of course that could be because who wanted to get out and away with THAT husband? :lol::auto:).

 

I personally believe both extremes are unhealthy. The scripted, mandated "couch time" instituted by some parenting advocates, the "marriage came first" and "your spouse will be there after your kids so you'd better nuture the marriage MY way" stuff is icky.

 

But so is the "we spend every moment together as a family, constantly share air space and can compete in the 'who has never left their kids" contest.

 

Healthy families have a lot of time together, healthy marriages have some no-kid alone time and healthy marriages and families have some time and space away, too.

[Greta]

Am I the only one?

 

Is it because we only have two children?

 

We only have one child, and don't do a lot of "dates" either. I feel like I spend lots of time with my husband. We love to just sit at the kitchen table sipping wine and chatting about everything and nothing. Making it a "date" just means we'd be paying more for the wine, plus a babysitter.

 

When our daughter was small, we left her with my parents once for an extended weekend vacation for just the two of us. Our marriage really needed it at that point. Those baby and toddler years are rough! But I just don't feel the need for that now. When we go on vacations, we want our daughter with us!!! We'll have plenty of time alone when she moves away and starts her own adult life. :crying: We want to enjoy her company while she's still innocent enough to not think we're the most boring, embarrassing people on the planet! :lol:

[6packofun]

..."we spend every moment together as a family, constantly share air space and can compete in the 'who has never left their kids" contest.

 

 

LOL!! Yes! I think the martyr competition gets a little old. The phases of this martyrdom ebb and flow, too, so that I can't keep up with which is more righteous: to have gone through a longer, more complicated labor than the next mom, to have have had more children in X number of years (or X number of children, period!), to be the LEAST fun homeschool mom--fun? There's no FUN in homeschooling!--to have gone on the fewest vacations or dates EVER, to have known my spouse for the shortest--or is it longest?--time before tying the knot...or the most self-sacrificing combination of any of these! Whew. I'm so boring. ;)

[Night Elf]

We just don't appear to need them. We spend a lot of time together. We talk a lot. I guess I just feel like I get plenty of one-on-one time after the kids go to bed and don't really need the hoopla of a formal date.

 

No, I don't need to go on a date. I dislike the word date if it describes going out to a movie or a restaurant with my DH. We like going out together and if we take all the children every time, it's expensive. We can get them Subway and they are happy, then DH and I go to a sit-down restaurant, normally to eat things we don't cook at home, like seafood dishes, BBQ with all the trimmings, nice steak, and delicious hamburgers (not fast food!). It's just pure simple fun/entertainment. Our budget certainly allows for it. I had no idea that someone would think that is a bad thing? :confused:

 

And yes, we do take our children out to restaurants as well. Sometimes it's nice to just go out alone. Sometimes I go out totally alone.

 

Need... what a funny word to get batted around so much. Technically, I don't need brand name toilet paper, mechanical pencils, brand name dog food, coffee, 2 kinds of milk, brand name butter, etc., but we prefer those things. Then again, I've seen people like me, who have a budget to include such things, bashed on this board for unwise spending. Why do some people care so much about how other people spend their money? Really?

[Nestof3]

So, I'm assuming this means he'll never do things without you, either? And, I assume you'd never go do something with a friend without your son going with you.

 

My parents have never gone out together more than a handful of times in their 40 years of marriage, and that's fine. It's also fine that my boys spend an evening once a week with their big brother or their grandparents. I would never tell my parents they should have a date, and I don't see why a person would tell others they should never be away from their children. Why can't couples decide what works best for them?

 

Where exactly do you find the premise that people should always do everything as a family?

 

I've also seen people talk about dates on this thread like they're some grand hoopla. Going down the street for Mexican food and a margarita in capri pants and a top is not a lot of hoopla.

 

We don't go on dates. Frankly, we're a military family and with no relatives anywhere near us (and my lack of trust of anyone else to watch our son), we don't have the opportunity. I don't miss it at all, though. We do all of our stuff as a family, as it should be- he goes everywhere we go. If we need time alone, we spend it on the couch after Seamus goes to sleep. The last time we went out on a "date" was for my birthday when we were visiting my parents. We went to a movie and out to dinner and came straight back home. My parents expected us to stay out much later, but we missed Seamus. ;)

[2cents]

We don't need dates. We spend time together at home and we love spending time with the children as a family. :)