How can you "not allow" your adult children to do something?

[chaik76]

I've seen this on many forums (not just WTM)...where parents say they will not "allow" their adult children (over the age of eighteen) to do one thing or the other. This just confuses me greatly. Why would anyone want to do that for one thing? Don't you assume that your children will be capable of making their own decisions by this age? At eighteen I went to college, paid for it, and made my own decisions. I was close to my family, and I listened to their advice. I took it when it was applicable to my situation. But for all intents and purposes I was an adult. I went my own way and did my own things. Wouldn't requiring your adult children to do certain things and act certain ways be counterproductive to their ability to function as an adult?

 

I assume, that at eighteen my children will be making their own life decisions, and my goal is to at least try to help them meet that goal by that age. Yes, I expect them to make mistakes. And probably some really big ones (I did). But I also expect that they will be starting to make their way in the world.

 

Now, I'm not talking about when they are physically living in your home...I followed "house rules" at home just out of respect for my family. I'm specifically talking about when adult children are away at college, or in their own apartment, or halfway across the country.

[Julie in CA]

I've seen this on many forums (not just WTM)...where parents say they will not "allow" their adult children (over the age of eighteen) to do one thing or the other. This just confuses me greatly. Why would anyone want to do that for one thing? Don't you assume that your children will be capable of making their own decisions by this age? At eighteen I went to college, paid for it, and made my own decisions. I was close to my family, and I listened to their advice. I took it when it was applicable to my situation. But for all intents and purposes I was an adult. I went my own way and did my own things. Wouldn't requiring your adult children to do certain things and act certain ways be counterproductive to their ability to function as an adult?

 

I assume, that at eighteen my children will be making their own life decisions, and my goal is to at least try to help them meet that goal by that age. Yes, I expect them to make mistakes. And probably some really big ones (I did). But I also expect that they will be starting to make their way in the world.

 

Now, I'm not talking about when they are physically living in your home...I followed "house rules" at home just out of respect for my family. I'm specifically talking about when adult children are away at college, or in their own apartment, or halfway across the country.

My kids are all still at home, but I think one reason may be because I think of 18 as being a pretty arbitrary age, decided upon by the government as the age of adulthood. That's not necessarily my standard for adulthood, so I can see that I may not "allow" my college kid to do some things, though I recognize that the kids may not always respect my wishes if we disagree about something.

[Carrie12345]

Beats me!

 

I know ds will need a lot of guidance, even at 18, but he also has a developmental disability. My own mother expressed her opinions most of the time, but I only had "rules" when living in her home (I went away to college for a while and then moved into my own place out of state for a few months).

 

I have adult cousins (26, 20-something-else and 21), who have been told where to go to school, what to major in, WHEN TO GET MARRIED, where to live and have even told a fiance when it will be okay to have kids!!!!! Talk about extreme!

Edited to add- they were not homeschooled, just for the record. ;-)

[RoughCollie]

It's a difficult situation for many, I think. The age of majority was changed to 21 after the government drafted 18 year olds to fight in the Vietnam War. If they were old enough to fight and die for their country, then they were old enough to be classified as adults. I remember this because I was a teenager when the change occurred.

 

Yet many 18 year olds are not adults. They live at home or in housing supplied by their parents. Many are still in high school. Their educations, cars, and other needs and wants are still paid for by their parents.

 

They can get married, and they are legally bound to the contracts they sign. They can get arrested for crimes as adults.

 

IMO many, if not most, are not ready for the responsibilities they incur from being classified as an adult. First, they cannot support themselves. Second, they do not have have the good judgment that comes with experience, maturity, and further brain development.

 

Can a parent stop an 18 year old from getting into trouble when they avail themselves of their rights and cannot uphold their responsibilities as adults? No, unless the child is willing, and/or the parents pull the strings attached due to the parents ongoing financial support.

 

One of our friends gave their 18 year old son a brand new BMW convertible when he graduated from high school. He is in college now, and that car is always at risk of being taken away from him. All he has to do is make bad grades. The parents are also paying for his very expensive college education. Is this boy an adult? IMO, as long as he is not self-sufficient, he is not an adult. He's working to get there, but he's not there yet.

 

I do think that once a person is a full-fledged adult, their parents should butt out unless they are asked for help. Any adult who lets their parents push them around has more problems than being told what to do ... they are too enmeshed in their relationships with their parents and it is up to them to figure out how to get untangled.

Edited January 18, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Peela]

I think there are some parents who keep a very tight control and the kids (adults) have never broken away properly.

But then my ideal and my experience may be two different things. I am having challenges "controlling" my wild 15yo who wants to party party party, so while I feel it is appropriate to set strong boundaries at 15....I can't imagine being able to maintain the same control by the time she is 18 or later. She is desperate for her freedom now, and so is ds14. I think its healthy- they are both extroverts...it just takes a lot of work to balance how much to let them have what they want and how much to say no, not yet, and deal with the flak from them.

I think parents can only maintain that much control if they have formed an inapropriate bonding all through childhood and teh child is "co-dependent" and wanting the parent's approval to an extreme, or feeling terribly guilty, well into adulthood.

But, who am I to say what is not appropriate. We dont get kids with an instruction manual and I may have made big mistakes I dont find out about till much later.

And if you think about it, in other more native cultures, the inbuilt respect for elders means that adult children will often listen to and obey their elderly parents...however, in a healthy society that interaction would never be abused.

[elfgivas]

most folks parent the best way they know how. some folks have control issues. some folks have kids who need more guidance than others. those are different things.

 

we have two older dc. in their 20s. parenting is a challenging process.... we are always parents once we have kids; we just do it differently at different ages and stages. what one 9 year old can manage, another 9 year old needs hand holding for. fastforward 10 years. what one 19 year old can handle, another 19 year old can't. so as parents, the choice is not as clear cut as many of us would like. we dont' use the term "allow" or "disallow", but we do consider financing their lives to be something that gives us some small say in how our money is spent. eg. we are happy to pay for college and living expenses. we are not happy to pay for dropping out and lounging around. they are welcome to be financially independent any time they choose. but if they choose to be dependent on us, then they need to be able to demonstrate that they are working towards becoming productive adults. full stop. basket weaving 101 is a valid choice if one has a deep and abiding desire to become a self-supporting basket weaver. basket weaving is not a valid choice if one is trying to choose the courses that permit the most partying while passing. any of the above are choices they are free to make for any reason they choose if they are paying....

 

be thankful you don't have a child that makes it easy to understand...

[Prudent]

Is this boy an adult? IMO, as long as he is not self-sufficient, he is not an adult. He's working to get there, but he's not there yet.

 

:iagree:

[Mommyfaithe]

It is not an issue of "allow" or "Disallow." It is a matter of ...while you live in my house you will behave a certain way...ie: no sleepovers with your boyfriend...keep to a resonable (in my eyes) curfew...if you are going to be latye , please call. Those kinds of things that are considerate of your parents and younger sibling especially. You WILL clean up after yourself, have a part time job to pay some of your way etc.

 

As our children grow, they need to realize that the world does not revolve around their immediate desires and they have to be aware of others needs.

 

Also, if I am paying for their room, board, car insurance, school books, cell phone or whatever, and they WANT to be independent (completely,) they have the freedom to take over their bills and find a nice place to live. That is not being mean. It is just how things are. Independence means "on your own." When you live in a family, with others in that family, you are not a single person living in a house full of other people. You are a needed member of the community and must not only take, but contribute.

 

That said, my kids (so far) have all gone through a funky transitional time once the enter full time community college, where they think they are free of the family rules. We quickly remind them that they are still part of their family and need to follow the rules of the land in order to reap the benefit of the land.

 

~~Faithe

[angela in ohio]

I consider 18 an arbitrary age. Some 15 yos are ready to be in charge of themselves. Some 20 yos are not. If I'm assuming the best, I would say the parents are looking at their child's individual needs and using that to determine their level of maturity instead.

[Danestress]

A child who chooses total independence at 18 can do that and can certainly make every single one of his own decisions without any input from his parents. He can create that world through a lot of effort if he chooses, and in some families it is like that.

 

In other families, parents maintain a great deal of control - often because the child is still living at home and under house rules, but also because parents often are controlling the purse strings to some extent at that age and they tie that help to some standards of behavior.

 

My son is pretty independent. He mostly pay for college from independent sources and the help of my parents. But there are some ways in which he is still dependent on us. DH and I don't really use that to control him too much - I don't think we do, and I don't think my son would say we do. We don't love everything about his life, but we love him and we are willing to let him make his own choices and deal with the consequences.

 

But last year he wanted to move in with a woman. I didn't like the idea, and DH was not willing to support him financially under those circumstances - though we still would love him and be friendly with him and support him emotionally. DH just felt like a man who is old enough to live with a woman out of wedlock should not be accepting any financial from his parents who really disapprove of that decision.

 

So for us, we would not have staged a fight, but we also would have withdrawn what little financial support he receives - paying car insurance being the biggest thing, and I told him he would have to ask my mother about whether she would give him financial support if he were living with a woman.

 

He decided not to do it. I don't think it was really the money that made him not do it, though. I think it was just hearing from us that we thought it was a bad idea and why. Really, I probably do have some "control" over my adult son, but mostly it's because he cares what I think. I think twice about doing something my parents think is a big mistake, too. We are a pretty close family. I think in our 'family culture' parents of adults have been pretty good at letting adults children be adults. My parents have given me very very little advice over the years, and I try to be the same way with my DS. When they do have something to say, I really listen. I can see that pattern emerging with DS. DH's Mom is also hands off, and if she had a problem with something we were doing I would listen.

[Haiku]

IMO many, if not most, are not ready for the responsibilities they incur from being classified as an adult.

 

I think this is a cultural thing. We may have set up our society so that 18 year olds are still dependent on their parents, and we may encourage them to be so, and we may believe that their immaturity is inevitable, but the sweep of human history has shown otherwise.

 

As I have said here before, my great grandmother got married at 13, had babies at 14 and 16, took care of her children, ran the home, AND ran her husband's store while he was at his other job of postmaster, before she was 17. I realize that's anecdotal, but there are millions of stories like this, and history has shown us that extending childhood through the teen years is the exception, not the norm.

 

I think we would all be better off if kids were expected to behave more like adults at younger ages and were held accountable for their behavior.

 

Tara

[Lolly]

I think not allow means that the parents are still supporting the child. Otherwise, they really have no say. Basically, as long as the child is behaving in a manner the parents see fit, the child will receive their financial support. I really hate to think that they would break ties to manipulate their kids.

 

Personally, my children take over making decisions about their lives from about 16. I am having to really force my 17 yo to make her own decisions. She doesn't like it. If it is something tremendously important, I give my opinion. Otherwise the poor girl is on her own.:D

[Kari C in SC]

I've seen this on many forums (not just WTM)...where parents say they will not "allow" their adult children (over the age of eighteen) to do one thing or the other. This just confuses me greatly. Why would anyone want to do that for one thing? Don't you assume that your children will be capable of making their own decisions by this age? At eighteen I went to college, paid for it, and made my own decisions. I was close to my family, and I listened to their advice. I took it when it was applicable to my situation. But for all intents and purposes I was an adult. I went my own way and did my own things. Wouldn't requiring your adult children to do certain things and act certain ways be counterproductive to their ability to function as an adult?

 

I assume, that at eighteen my children will be making their own life decisions, and my goal is to at least try to help them meet that goal by that age. Yes, I expect them to make mistakes. And probably some really big ones (I did). But I also expect that they will be starting to make their way in the world.

 

Now, I'm not talking about when they are physically living in your home...I followed "house rules" at home just out of respect for my family. I'm specifically talking about when adult children are away at college, or in their own apartment, or halfway across the country.

 

My answer is YOU CAN'T. Sorry, to be loud, but I agree that some people just do not get it. My oldest joined the Army when he was 19. He made his own way and we are proud of him. Do I really love the entire sleeve tattooed on his arm? Nope. And I am not anti tattoo. I was fine with his others, just not really the sleeve. You know what... if he can go to war... he can decide to tattoo his own body. He calls me every day or at least every other. He asks my opinion of lots of things. We did our very best in raising him, but now we must let him go. It is very hard, but I am finding this to be an amazing time in my life.

 

Another story is my dh's brother. His dd moved out when she was 17. She has been on her own for over 2 years. She got her aa degree and has worked two jobs in that time. She posted she wanted to take an extended road trip next summer on her FB account. I posted that I would love to help her plan. All heck broke loose because my bil said I couldn't help her plan something she shouldn't be doing. She is 19 years old, supports herself, is a smart and decent young lady. Why would it make any sense that I would not be allowed to help her plan a trip? Well he says because he does not want her to go and I should not encourage her. We had to agree to disagree. There is a perfect example of a parent trying to control an adult child. It simply does not work.

[happyhomemaker25]

My kids are still young, but from my observation, here is what I think. Your not an adult until you can take care of yourself.

One of my goals in homeschooling is to make sure that at 18,19,20 years old my kids are grown ups. Meaning understand how to keep a home, cook meals, care for younger children, respect others, manage their own finances, support themselves, support a family, be responsible.. these are only a few things.

This waiting until your 30, 40, never, to grow up is exhausting. Of course you can't always tell your kids how to live their lives and I don't expect to, but you can make them responsible for their actions and themselves.

[jujsky]

I've seen this on many forums (not just WTM)...where parents say they will not "allow" their adult children (over the age of eighteen) to do one thing or the other. This just confuses me greatly. Why would anyone want to do that for one thing? Don't you assume that your children will be capable of making their own decisions by this age? At eighteen I went to college, paid for it, and made my own decisions. I was close to my family, and I listened to their advice. I took it when it was applicable to my situation. But for all intents and purposes I was an adult. I went my own way and did my own things. Wouldn't requiring your adult children to do certain things and act certain ways be counterproductive to their ability to function as an adult?

 

I assume, that at eighteen my children will be making their own life decisions, and my goal is to at least try to help them meet that goal by that age. Yes, I expect them to make mistakes. And probably some really big ones (I did). But I also expect that they will be starting to make their way in the world.

 

Now, I'm not talking about when they are physically living in your home...I followed "house rules" at home just out of respect for my family. I'm specifically talking about when adult children are away at college, or in their own apartment, or halfway across the country.

:lurk5: I've wondered the same thing. I'm curious to see the answers.

[Ellie]

My kids are all still at home, but I think one reason may be because I think of 18 as being a pretty arbitrary age, decided upon by the government as the age of adulthood. That's not necessarily my standard for adulthood, so I can see that I may not "allow" my college kid to do some things, though I recognize that the kids may not always respect my wishes if we disagree about something.

But your dc are still at home and have to abide by your house rules. The question is if your adult dc are not still at home, how can you require them to obey you?

 

The answer is that you cannot, not if they are not at home. BTDT.

[lllll]

I've seen this on many forums (not just WTM)...where parents say they will not "allow" their adult children (over the age of eighteen) to do one thing or the other. This just confuses me greatly. Why would anyone want to do that for one thing? Don't you assume that your children will be capable of making their own decisions by this age? At eighteen I went to college, paid for it, and made my own decisions. I was close to my family, and I listened to their advice. I took it when it was applicable to my situation. But for all intents and purposes I was an adult. I went my own way and did my own things. Wouldn't requiring your adult children to do certain things and act certain ways be counterproductive to their ability to function as an adult?

 

I assume, that at eighteen my children will be making their own life decisions, and my goal is to at least try to help them meet that goal by that age. Yes, I expect them to make mistakes. And probably some really big ones (I did). But I also expect that they will be starting to make their way in the world.

 

Now, I'm not talking about when they are physically living in your home...I followed "house rules" at home just out of respect for my family. I'm specifically talking about when adult children are away at college, or in their own apartment, or halfway across the country.

 

I think it might help to define 'adult' here. Just because they do adult things like owning things, having outside jobs, driving, paying for things, etc., doesn't necessarily make them 'adults'. I have a 16yod who does NONE of these things and is more of an 'adult' than my 35yos, who does ALL of these things. If he and his wife ever have kids, it'll be kids raising kids. He was very bright, joined the military at 18yo (ie left home as expected), was driving in his mid teens, dated in high school, worked at the local fast food joints, etc. He would have qualified as an 'adult', if you're only looking at these outward milestones. But this 35yo 'man' is NOT an adult ... by any stretch of the imagination ... in my opinion.

 

I think it has everything to do, btw, with how you raise them. We've raised the younger 5 dc VERY differently than we did 35yos. I basically ignored these OUTward things and focused on the INward things. I discovered that if I did that, the OUTward things would naturally follow. Maybe not in the time frame our particular culture would wish, but, then, I quit parenting to please the people around me a long time ago ...:)

 

Kathy

Edited January 18, 2010 by ksva

[Murphy101]

I agree with Tara.

 

That aside genetics is not favorable to me controling my children now, and the chances get slimmer as they get older.

 

I would've laughed at the notion of them telling me what to do at 19. Or 36 for that matter.

 

Eta

 

I think a lot of it is willing manipulation. Do this or you can't live here, or I won't pay for college or your car or whatever.

Some kids will cave. Which I've never understood. Bc my first reaction to manipulation is to get as far away from it as possible. Ain't nothing worth those strings to me. I think many kids are just more scared if going out on their own than they admit and thus cave.

 

I'm not saying parents are wrong to do those things. Many times I'd do the same. I just don't think it would work in my house.

Edited January 18, 2010 by Martha

[Parrothead]

This is one of the reasons my brother and I live on opposite ends of the country from my mom. With us being 40 and 43 she still tries to hang on and tell us how to live.

 

Neither of us lived at home after 20.

 

Her visits are not pleasant and cause a lot of tension. But she can't understand why we don't visit more often.

[Quiver0f10]

It is not an issue of "allow" or "Disallow." It is a matter of ...while you live in my house you will behave a certain way...ie: no sleepovers with your boyfriend...keep to a resonable (in my eyes) curfew...if you are going to be latye , please call. Those kinds of things that are considerate of your parents and younger sibling especially. You WILL clean up after yourself, have a part time job to pay some of your way etc.

 

As our children grow, they need to realize that the world does not revolve around their immediate desires and they have to be aware of others needs.

 

Also, if I am paying for their room, board, car insurance, school books, cell phone or whatever, and they WANT to be independent (completely,) they have the freedom to take over their bills and find a nice place to live. That is not being mean. It is just how things are. Independence means "on your own." When you live in a family, with others in that family, you are not a single person living in a house full of other people. You are a needed member of the community and must not only take, but contribute.

 

~~Faithe

 

:iagree: We have 3 adult children still living at home. We have family standards they have to follow and if they do not want to follow those they are welcome to live on their own. I know in our situtation especially we have lots of littles at home that are watching everything our oldest kids do so the oldest have extra responsibility to adhere to our standards while living here. As far as doing things like moving out, college, jobs, marrying etc they are adults and can do whatever they want, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't give counsel when asked.

Edited January 18, 2010 by Quiver0f10

[Nan in Mass]

I am parenting 20-somethings. Some of them are my sons' friends. I still parent them because I care about them. They know that, so they will listen and take into account what my husband and I say. We rescue them when they get stuck, store their stuff, feed and house them for part of their vacations, make sure they have what they need, and worry about them. When they are with us, they follow the house rules, which aren't really my rules, but a set of rules that allow a number of adults and children and animals to live together comfortably. (I guess you could say that we "don't allow" our 20-somethings to smoke in the house or swear in front of the little ones or feed the dog chocolate, but it isn't the way we think of it.) We have dealt with everything from broken legs and college paperwork to lost guitar picks. We are a bit more outspoken about our opinions with our own sons than with their friends, but other than that, we treat our sons and their friends the same. It isn't at all that they are not adult. They are. They have all lived on their own, some of them in a foreign country. They all have been self-supporting at times. But like all adults, they don't always know how to do something or what to do in a particular situation. Or they don't have the resources to do something. We know where to buy jeans for $3 and how to do the paperwork to apply to college. We have the experience to help make decisions about whether it is snowing too hard to drive four states away or what to do about that lost temporary license plate. The ultimate decision lies with them, of course, but it doesn't mean that we don't have quite a lot of influence. Don't you, over your friends? Your friends follow your house rules when they are visiting, occasionally do something just so you won't worry or to please you, ask you how to do things, let you rescue them if they get stuck, and tell you what they are worried about and listen to your advice, don't they? It is the same thing, just a bit more intense.

-Nan

[Nestof3]

I usually take it to mean that if their 19 year old were to do such and such, it would be violating the morals that the parents had been trying to pass on. The "rule" so to speak still exists even when the child is elsewhere.

 

I've personally never seen a person say this regarding an adult child who lived away, so I cannot really say. Perhaps if you could give me an example of when you've seen it happen. Our 19 year old will live at home until he finishes college and is employed (according to him), so house rules will always apply. If he were away at school, yes, I would say that beer bongs and sleeping around were not allowed. Hopefully I've raised him right, but an 18 year old adult is very different from a 37 adult. My parents always assumed they raised me right, but looking back, there were many things I wished I hadn't been involved in. I'm not saying that their disallowing it would have made a difference (they never disallowed much of anything), but it would have been some sort of moral compass.

 

And, in our family, you are treated like an adult when you act like one.

[Joanne]

There are several issues involved in your OP. I tend to agree with you about the level of involvement and control I've seen talked about on message boards with regard to legal adults.

 

For the legal adult living in my home:

 

I expect that my level of influence and expectation will be directly tied to my level of financial and logistical support. I also expect certain house rules to be honored: letting people know the general schedule of your comings and goings, no alcohol or drugs, no co-ed overnights, etc.

 

For the adult child in college and I am able to assist with paying:

 

I will discontinue paying if your grades are not in line with your ability. I will not finance social activities such as greek life. I will not offer financial help if I feel you've managed your money poorly.

 

For the adult child paying their own way and not living at home:

 

I love you! Let me know if you want my feedback. If I think it requires unsolicited advice, I'll give it.

[kalanamak]

 

Now, I'm not talking about when they are physically living in your home...I followed "house rules" at home just out of respect for my family. I'm specifically talking about when adult children are away at college, or in their own apartment, or halfway across the country.

 

"Whose bread you eat, his song you sing" my mother used to say. The brother who got his tuition paid by the folks was "not allowed" to hitchhike across country. The rest of us (well, those of us born after 1940) all did. For example.

[Gretchen in NJ]

I think it all depends on if they are living at home and you are still supporting them. A child turning 18 doesn't make him an adult. If they are out on their own, self sufficient, then they are an adult. Hopefully, my dh and I would have done our parenting job and they will lead a good and happy life.

[Gretchen in NJ]

There are several issues involved in your OP. I tend to agree with you about the level of involvement and control I've seen talked about on message boards with regard to legal adults.

 

For the legal adult living in my home:

 

I expect that my level of influence and expectation will be directly tied to my level of financial and logistical support. I also expect certain house rules to be honored: letting people know the general schedule of your comings and goings, no alcohol or drugs, no co-ed overnights, etc.

 

For the adult child in college and I am able to assist with paying:

 

I will discontinue paying if your grades are not in line with your ability. I will not finance social activities such as greek life. I will not offer financial help if I feel you've managed your money poorly.

 

For the adult child paying their own way and not living at home:

 

I love you! Let me know if you want my feedback. If I think it requires unsolicited advice, I'll give it.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:Joanne said it much better then I did. This is how I feel too.

[justamouse]

To the comments that said if a person is not self sufficient they are not an adult---

 

:001_huh::001_huh::001_huh:

 

 

 

1. there are no jobs

2. living prices are the cost of limbs

3. college expenses are exorbitant and graduation pushes the age of being 'self sufficient' back to the mid twenties if not later because of #s 1&2

 

So what, exactly, do you mean by self sufficient?

[justamouse]

I think this is a cultural thing. We may have set up our society so that 18 year olds are still dependent on their parents, and we may encourage them to be so, and we may believe that their immaturity is inevitable, but the sweep of human history has shown otherwise.

 

I think we would all be better off if kids were expected to behave more like adults at younger ages and were held accountable for their behavior.

 

Tara

 

there is a great book on this very thing

 

http://drrobertepstein.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=10&Itemid=29

 

 

An excellent, excellent book.

[ciyates]

My house my rules! That simple, if you are looking to me for any financial support you are not self sufficient. Once my son is an adult I will continue to give him my advice but if he isn't living under my roof or on my dime there isn't a lot I can do. However I don't care if he is 18 or 28 if he lives in my home because he can not financial support himself then it is my rules. If I require him not to drink, smoke and get up and go to church with us he has to. There are common rules that everyone should follow such as cleaning up, food, coming in at certain times etc.

[HRAAB]

I did not tell my adult (18 yrs+) what they could or couldn't do, however, they were expected to follow the house rules as are their father and myself. They are not so much rules as common courtesies. By the age of 18 both my dd's were working, paying their own insurance, had bought their own cars, were buying their own clothes and whatnot and paying for school (local state university). We were providing a house and food. I expected a phone call if they weren't coming straight home from work or school or if they were going to be out late. Also expected was that they would do their own laundry, clean up the kitchen if they cooked, not leave their stuff scattered around the house.

 

Both my older two (one is married) are living on their own, but they are welcome to come home anytime. If they ever do, they will be expected to abide by the house courtesy rules. I would even expect my married dd to let me know if she is going to be home for dinner, that type of thing.

 

Other than that, I don't feel I have the right to tell them what to do or what not to do. I will give my advice, but after that, their decisions are their own. I am very happy to say that they do come to us for advice, even my dd and her dh. No pressure to follow our advice, though.

[Nan in Mass]

Some of us have the resources to continue to offer material help to our adult children. Some of us only have enough time, energy, and resources to help our children through to 16 or 18.

 

Some of us come from families where it is normal for adult family members to pool their resources and live together, share child-care, vacation together. And some of us come from families where this is not at all normal.

 

I happen to come from a family where it is normal for the adults to pool their resources (we all get a higher standard of living that way) and one where most of us have enough time, energy, and resources that we can feed an extra mouth or two without it creating a hardship, lend a car, or take care of a child for a year or two if the mother is sick or has to work. We all honour our parents, even when they are grandparents, and try to follow their wishes. Those who are parents continue to offer guidence and help, even material help (my parents took care of me when I was pregnant, for instance). People say to each other, "I don't think you should do that. I think it will lead to following problems." But nobody has been kicked out of the family nest for not following someone else's advice.

 

It is hard for me to imagine telling my children that I wouldn't pay for college if they flunked a semester because they did something silly. Then again, we don't happen to have anybody in the family who wouldn't feel dreadful if they did that and either try really hard not to mess up the second time or decide to do something else until they felt they could manage not to waste so much money. As I said, though, this is because I happen to have a family that has enough resources that a blown semester isn't the end of the world. Hard and discouraging, yes, but nobody would be hungry or lose their house or even their car. And it is also hard for me to imagine being growup and not still taking my parents' wishes into account. That is because my family happens to be one that continues to live close together, even as adults. It has its advantages and its disadvantages.

 

-Nan

[Nan in Mass]

Yup :)

[Nestof3]

:iagree:

 

There are several issues involved in your OP. I

 

tend to agree with you about the level of involvement and control I've seen talked about on message boards with regard to legal adults.

 

For the legal adult living in my home:

 

I expect that my level of influence and expectation will be directly tied to my level of financial and logistical support. I also expect certain house rules to be honored: letting people know the general schedule of your comings and goings, no alcohol or drugs, no co-ed overnights, etc.

 

For the adult child in college and I am able to assist with paying:

 

I will discontinue paying if your grades are not in line with your ability. I will not finance social activities such as greek life. I will not offer financial help if I feel you've managed your money poorly.

 

For the adult child paying their own way and not living at home:

 

I love you! Let me know if you want my feedback. If I think it requires unsolicited advice, I'll give it.

[RegGuheert]

...they now have the ability to make the spending decisions in my household? :confused:

 

Hardly! I'm sorry, but a child who happens to be 18 years old or older does NOT make spending decisions for his mother and I. The fact that there are few jobs available is immaterial. I do not simply turn over the bank accounts to the children simply because they turned 18. It doesn't work that way. I still have responsibilities to my wife and the rest of the children.

 

Of course, then there is this:

 

"Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee." Exodus 20:12

 

"Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with a promise; ) Ephesians 6:2

 

Here is an article which discusses this commandment. God created the family and provided the rules for how the members of the family are to relate to each other. (Yes, there are rules for the parents, too.) Without this framework, you are simply making up your own arrangement out of thin air. Good luck with that.

[OnTheBrink]

I think it's kind of funny that many who feel 18 year olds can make their own life decisions and "be adults" don't have kids who've reached 18 yet! LOL

 

I realize everyone is different, but for me, if I'm supporting said 18 year old, said 18 year old will abide by the household rules. If the 18 year old can support him/herself and live on his/her own, they're free to as they wish, and reap the consequences thereof. My (legally) adult son still lives at home because he's in school. But I won't allow his girlfriend to stay overnight. I won't allow smoking or drunkenness (he doesn't do either, but he's of age to drink or smoke). I won't allow him to bring unsavory friends around my daughter. So, he can either abide or go support himself. It's that simple. If his name were on the house, or if he paid the bills, it would be a different dynamic. But, we're not roommates.

 

And, if I were living in my parent's house at my age, I'd expect and be expected to abide by whatever rules they'd instill.

[Penelope]

This is one of the reasons my brother and I live on opposite ends of the country from my mom. With us being 40 and 43 she still tries to hang on and tell us how to live.

 

Neither of us lived at home after 20.

 

Her visits are not pleasant and cause a lot of tension. But she can't understand why we don't visit more often.

 

This is what I was going to say. I have parents that let me make my own decisions and succeed or fail on my own, once I had graduated from high school.

 

But relatives and friends I have known who had parents that tried to control (even though the parents probably didn't see themselves as controlling), attempting to manipulative their relationships, career choices, lifestyle decisions, etc., tended to eventually want to get far away from these parents. I'm going to choose to do what my mom did, let my kids go at 18, hard as it is, and keep my mouth shut. ;) Something I'm not naturally good at! I have seen over and over again the results of doing it the other way, and it isn't what I want for my family.

 

ETA: I think having household rules for a child still living at home is different. I absolutely think an adult child living at home should be able to not bring bf/gf overnight, and contribute to the household. But they shouldn't have to report their whereabouts and activities to mom and dad in the same way they did at 16, as long as they are generally responsible.

Edited January 18, 2010 by Penelope

[Nan in Mass]

??? I was replying to Ishki, not any of the other posts. Where did the idea of turning our finances over to our son come from?

[Nan in Mass]

I'm assuming that this isn't in response to my "yup" either, since I have two children over 18 (see my other posts).

[Renee in NC]

I think this is a cultural thing. We may have set up our society so that 18 year olds are still dependent on their parents, and we may encourage them to be so, and we may believe that their immaturity is inevitable, but the sweep of human history has shown otherwise.

 

As I have said here before, my great grandmother got married at 13, had babies at 14 and 16, took care of her children, ran the home, AND ran her husband's store while he was at his other job of postmaster, before she was 17. I realize that's anecdotal, but there are millions of stories like this, and history has shown us that extending childhood through the teen years is the exception, not the norm.

 

I think we would all be better off if kids were expected to behave more like adults at younger ages and were held accountable for their behavior.

 

Tara

 

:iagree:

 

By 18, my grandmother was teaching school.

[Julie in CA]

But your dc are still at home and have to abide by your house rules. The question is if your adult dc are not still at home, how can you require them to obey you?

 

The answer is that you cannot, not if they are not at home. BTDT.

I answered the question asked--whether or not my "adult" dc are home or out of the home. The age is arbitrary. It also doesn't have all that much to do with whether we are financially supporting them or not. I do not have to require them to obey me, because they find a Scriptural mandate to do so. In the same way, if my dh's parents (who are also my parents in the Lord) told me not do something, I would also honor and respect them, and I would not do what they told me was wrong according to God's standard. The flip side of that, of course, is that it would only be in an extreme situation that they (or I) would even try to enforce any restrictions on grown children's behavior. I guess it's a respect and trust thing more than it's an obedience thing. It has worked for generations upon generations for my dh's family, and seen in action, it's a pretty amazing thing. I understand that it goes against what our society has deemed "the right way", and I'm not saying anyone else has to make the same choice, but the results have been beautiful, so I'm not afraid to be the oddball. :001_smile:

 

I should probably add, it also doesn't mean that my children are abnormally unable to separate from their parents. On the contrary, I think it provides for more independence than usual, but with a more reassuring "safety net" for those rare occasions when needed.

[elizabeth]

Money talks and horse patootey walks...If they are not self sustaining and completely so that is all the incentive needed. It is amazing how many parents mine included have not used this method to get r done..Hunger and fear are great motivators. I cringe to think how many parents continue to support their offspring financially when the grades are rotten , the obedience and proper respect nil yet they keep throwing money at the kid hoping they will change.

[Nan in Mass]

But most do change, and if you have been loving and patient as a parent, when that change happens, you can all keep being a loving family. If you haven't, when the child gets their act together, the family is broken, and it takes a lot more work to put a broken family back together again than it does to keep it together in the first place. I have watched examples of this amongst my sons' friends. The ones whose families keep trying to help them are now stablizing. They are grateful to their parents and happily go home for Christmas. They are settling into an adult-adult relationship and beginning to enjoy each other's company again. Some of the ones whose parents didn't help are now stablizing, too, but they are avoiding their parents as much as possible. And some of the ones whose parents didn't help are getting more and more lost. My sample size is pretty small - 10 or 12. That is how it has worked in my area, though.

-Nan

[TravelingChris]

We made an agreement to pay for college for our son as long as he doesn't flunk out and is progressing normally. He was away at school but has been back living at home nearly two years. What we expect- that he do well in school, some chores, no illegal activity, no sleepovers with girls, that sort of thing. I did have to clarify with him that we want calls if he will be out all night or particularly late. He does smoke occasionally- like one cigarette a week since he can't afford more. We don't support that and he is having to make his very meager earning last. He can't smoke at home or in our car. He doesn't go with us to church usually. After 18, we feel it is a child's choice. I can't make him a believer. I don't believe he really lost his faith as much as he is angry with God right now. Forcing church on him won't help that. He has attended some services with us and one with a friend of his. We say grace at meals and he acts respectfully.

 

I generally agree with Joanne's statement minus the supporting social activities part. If I can afford it, I will support social activities in college that are reasonable.

[Impish]

Money talks and horse patootey walks...If they are not self sustaining and completely so that is all the incentive needed. It is amazing how many parents mine included have not used this method to get r done..Hunger and fear are great motivators. I cringe to think how many parents continue to support their offspring financially when the grades are rotten , the obedience and proper respect nil yet they keep throwing money at the kid hoping they will change.

:iagree:

For me, its pretty simple. Our house, our money, our rules. No matter how old the kid is.

 

One thing I have said is that my house isn't a revolving door. My brothers, both married, have each had a turn moving back in with my folks, wife in tow. This is to presumably help them save for a house. Sorry, but that gives me the willies completely. I don't want my kids living in my basement in their 30s. Ick!!

[elizabeth]

Generally my friends that earned poor grades were high or drunk through most of college. My mother told me their parents could pay my tuition if I wanted to waste her time and money in such fashion. I got straight A's and became an attorney. On the other hand , my sibling is a crack using idiot dating a man in federal prison. I hope our relationship stays "broken," not an influence I wish to have my child around. I do not think families become broken by establishing what I would term sensible boundaries and letting their adult children bear the natural consequences of their behaviour. I think those families had underlying issues that were not resolved or worse , codependent in such a way that bad situations were exacerbated. I realize every person and family is different but in my professional life I see families ripped apart by a refusal to quit codependent, enabling behaviour that is detrimental to the whole family and punishes siblings with a horrible example. From practicing law I see the worst cases and will say I have never seen a train wreck adult produced by natural consequences for reprehensible behaviour. I have however done enough grandparent adoptions to make me loathe young men and women who get wasted , fail school and reproduce. All while their folks follow behind cleaning up their messes... until they become so despondent and exhausted that they apply for disability while raising their grandchildren. It all depends on the resources available as well. It is far more likely that an intelligent youth will in the end prevail simply because they have inner resources. In our area there are likely predisposing factors of ignorance, poverty and unmarried parents. In closing I see that giving a young person support and guidance with the expectation of a change through character building and maturity is acceptable within certain parameters and to a certain extent. However, it is fair to tie performance to continued support after all they cannot remain childlike forever and their employers certainly are not likely to appreciate these behaviours so why not exgtinguish them early on??

[Night Elf]

One of our friends gave their 18 year old son a brand new BMW convertible when he graduated from high school. He is in college now, and that car is always at risk of being taken away from him. All he has to do is make bad grades. The parents are also paying for his very expensive college education. Is this boy an adult? IMO, as long as he is not self-sufficient, he is not an adult. He's working to get there, but he's not there yet.

 

This is why my dd17 is planning on getting loans rather than taking money from her dad and stepmom. They will hold that money over her head and use it as yet another excuse to control her life, a major reason she signed legal papers to come live with me. My dd is 17 yrs. 8 months old and is totally capable of being on her own right now.

 

I was on my own at age 18 and while I couldn't afford a house, my job was enough to help me pay for my car, an apartment, and some frivolous things. Did I make mistakes? Oh yes. Do I still make mistakes? Oh yes.

[chaik76]

Money talks and horse patootey walks...If they are not self sustaining and completely so that is all the incentive needed. It is amazing how many parents mine included have not used this method to get r done..Hunger and fear are great motivators. I cringe to think how many parents continue to support their offspring financially when the grades are rotten , the obedience and proper respect nil yet they keep throwing money at the kid hoping they will change.

Obedience and proper respect...from adult to adult? You earn respect, and believe me, anyone who tried to motivated me out of fear and hunger, would not have my respect or obedience, parent or not.

[justamouse]

...they now have the ability to make the spending decisions in my household? :confused:

 

Hardly! I'm sorry, but a child who happens to be 18 years old or older does NOT make spending decisions for his mother and I. The fact that there are few jobs available is immaterial.

 

That's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is that as prices go up and jobs go down, children are going to be staying home longer, but you can't treat them like kids just because they live in your house.

 

I'm assuming we would all require common courtesy of adults living together.

 

People of all ages have a hard time making ends meet, yet we're using financial stability as a marker of adulthood?

 

And, believe you me, I am not taking on a lifetime of debt paying for my (7) kid's college educations (and I refuse to throw good $ after bad), but I'm also expecting them to live with me while they stabilize themselves financially.

Edited January 18, 2010 by justamouse

[mcconnellboys]

If I had a child at age 18 (or older) who was no longer dependent on me, financially or otherwise, then I certainly would not expect to tell them what to do regarding any aspect of their lives. That will not be the case for my older son - unless per chance, some miracle occurs within the next six months, LOL. So long as my assistance continues to be required, I expect my point of view regarding major decisions to be respected and in some cases even adherred to. For instance, if my son is driving a car that belongs to me, and he is a very inexperienced driver, I certainly feel I have the right to say "no" to a cross-country road trip made on the fly.... Here's another: A young person with no job or only a part-time, temporary job during college doesn't have any business collecting credit cards and running up debt. Thankfully, my son agrees with my views on credit at this time in his life (hope that doesn't change). I certainly don't expect to micromanage his life when he goes off to college next fall, but I do expect to continue to have input on major life issues.

[chaik76]

That's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is that as prices go up and jobs go down, children are going to be staying home longer, but you can't treat them like kids just because they live in your house.

 

I'm assuming we would all require common courtesy of adults living together.

 

 

This is what my family did. All eight of us kids moved home at one time or another. We were treated as adults because we were adults. We gave our parents the courtesy of letting them know when we were coming and going (just as I do with my dh in my own house) and called when we were going to be late, etc. But we were treated as adults and respected for our contributions.

 

I was just thinking of my cousin Ed who was living with my parents up until a few weeks ago. He's nineteen or just turned twenty. Has a good job and makes decent money. Is in college and loves it. He could probably move out, but the relationship was mutually benenficial. No, he didn't pay rent as far as I knew (but he might have). My mom was just diagnosed with terminal cancer and my cousin has been a godsend to them. He's done whatever possible to make their lives easier. Now Mom's sister has come to help take care of her and he has moved out to give them room. But not an adult? Certainly he is, and he was certainly acting in an adult manner, despite the fact he still had some help for things (for instance, my sister and bil sold him a car at a very good price rather than have him go to a dealership). He came and went basically as he wished...letting my parents know when or if he would be home for dinner, and when he would be home for the night, calling if he would be late. But there was no curfew, etc. And he shouldn't have had one. He was acting in an adult capacity and as such, should be treated as one.