Any of you ever had a pg teenage daughter??

[StaceyinLA]

I could use some advice.

 

16yodd just came to me tonight and told me that she is pregnant. She has done 2 home pg tests and both were "instantly" positive. I am just devastated.

 

We already have my 22yo stepson, his gf and their baby living here while they save money and wait on a local apartment, as well as our 4 teens.

 

I wasn't surprised about stepson's gf getting pregnant. He was raised in a rough home and wasn't with us much. He just didn't live the lifestyle my children have (not that we didn't try - it was just too late). I know that means nothing. I'm not pinpointing a certain "group" to get pg. I just wasn't surprised when they did.

 

This is shocking me to the point of I don't even know what. I knew this particular child had had sex with this bf, but I thought it was over. A few weeks ago he left for college and I guess they felt the need to be together and that was it. Since that night they have had a fight and they aren't even on speaking terms. Now, she's pregnant.

 

Can someone PLEASE tell me where to even begin. I just cannot wrap my head around this at all.

 

I mean, she knows she will have and keep the baby - that's not the issue. I guess it's just logistics; finishing out schooling, college, living here at home with the baby, putting one more little beebee in the house, etc.

 

She knows she will breastfeed, and wants to set up the room and a bed so that the baby can sleep with her, etc. She is considering natural childbirth as well. I'm proud of those things (guess at least some stuff has rubbed off from my "earth mother" mentality), but we just want to have some idea of if there have been some of you who have "been there, done that."

 

Any help out there??? Prayers??? I'd surely appreciate them!

[Mrs Mungo]

I would be devastated as well. It would be awful to suddenly have your child's life made so difficult.

 

I guess you start with a prenatal appointment. Maybe the doctor or school or social services can point you toward a support group and such? She's going to need a new group of peers.

 

:grouphug:

[Barb_]

I pm'med you.

[mazakaal]

I would be devastated as well, knowing how difficult it will be for my child, but what a blessing that she has been honest with you. I've not btdt, but I know others here have. I can only offer :grouphug:.

[unsinkable]

Stacey,

 

I know it might seem odd to hear from someone that only "know" you on a message board that you are a great mom, but I am going to say it anyway ---you are a great mom. I really like you from what I know.

 

I wish I had more/better advice but you can do this!!! I know you are devastated & shocked and I am so sorry. You all have my prayers!

 

:grouphug:

 

All my prayers & best wishes!

[momofkhm]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

No advice, but do take her in for a prenatal appointment. Teens need more care than adults.

[keptwoman]

:grouphug: I'm sorry, I'd be devastated too.

 

I have no advice, it sounds like you have a fabulous relationship with your DD and are raising her well. She wants good things for her baby.

[Ottakee]

One place I would suggest would be a Christian based Crisis Pregnancy Center. They might present adoption as an option but I know that they are also very supportive of mothers that wish to parent, need help with services, education, etc.

 

I am sure they would also have good support groups for both her and the family as well.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Stacey,

 

You're GOING to be an emotional wreck for a little while. In time, it'll get a little easier.

 

*I* haven't been in that situation, but I got pregnant the month I turned 17. My boyfriend and I were with each other one time and decided to go back to waiting after that. Too late.

 

It was HARD on both sets of my parents (and the boy's parents). But in time, my family all just came around and it became what was best for Kimberly (or Benjamin depending on if I was having a boy or girl). We looked into options, got things set up, did all the normal stuff. I did change schools but if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have (*I* wanted to change to be with the boy, but there was a pregnancy and parenting class at that school which is why my parents changed me).

 

(Note: Boy's family did not come around. They claimed God told them not to have anything to do with us. He has since had 8 children with his wife. Kimberly looks a lot like his oldest son and preschool daughter--seen facebook pics. I spoke to him for about an hour when she was 3. He has never touched or held her, seeing her only a few minutes at a court hearing when she was an infant. My husband is my daughter's father for all intents and purposes including legally).

 

Anyway, my parents were VERY supportive but not babying. They expected me to step up to the plate. I garage saled for items I needed. I sold one car and bought another with the difference paying for a doctor (I was on a set price program- my parents paid the down payment and I paid the monthly payments). I worked til right before Kimber was born and went back to work when she was 5 weeks old. The school supplemented my daycare, but I paid the difference. She was in daycare while I did half days at school (I did the work co-op program). She went to work with me at first. I lived with my dad for the first half of my pregnancy. I lived with my mom until Kimber was about 5 months old. My mom watched her ONCE so I could see a movie with a friend. This was real life.

 

I really think my parents did it right. They had their fairly mild freak out at very first and then they were just supportive of me making a decision. They didn't save me from the consequences. In the parenting/pregnancy class that was not the case for most of the couples and I think it really hurt some of them, their relationships with their children, etc. I'm glad my parents stepped back and made me step up.

 

Anyway...One other thing I MIGHT have done differently was school. For a long time after learning more about homeschooling, I had wished I would have just done a program and finished up school as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I could have started college instead of my senior year and been into that stage of my life. I think there could have been some real benefits. But I'm REALLY glad I can say that I stuck it out that year and a half and graduated public school where I had been all my life. There is something about accomplishing that (btw, I graduated with an 8month old AND pregnant <sigh> but living on my own, working full time, and being a pretty good parent).

 

Anyway, sorry to ramble.

 

Let yourself feel the wreck of this situation for now. But it will get so much better. Time helps. But I definitely would err on the side of being supportive but having HER take on this load.

 

Here it is 17 years later. I have had a normal middle class life most of my adult years and I have the most lovely almost 17 yr old daughter who is in her 2nd year of college.

 

It can all work out. I wish your daughter the best :)

Edited September 11, 2009 by 2J5M9K

[Renee in NC]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

My stepsister is 15 and pregnant. She has moved here to FL and is living with my brother while attending a school for pregnant and mothering teens.

 

I don't think you need to make any of those hard decisions now. How close is she to graduating? That is where I would start - get as much done before the baby comes as you can. Does she have a job for spending money? Maybe she could save money now so that she can stay with her baby as long as possible.

 

It will come together.

[StaceyinLA]

She does have a job right now. She bought and is paying for her car (a Mustang convertible, which she already said last night that she knows she'll sell). If she sells it and gets something less expensive, the goal will be for her to pay it off before the baby comes (probably late May).

 

We are a "baby" family so I'm not going to overlook the fact that we will absolutely LOVE the baby, and my dd will have all of our support. Her sisters, though they know it won't be easy for her, are very supportive and excited about the prospect of having the baby around (we all adore the grandbaby that lives with us now!!)

 

However, all that being said, I just know this is going to totally change her life. And though it won't necessarily be all bad (I just don't know that I could ever view a baby as a bad thing), it will be a tough road.

 

We plan to work hard on school this year, have a summer break, she'll finish up her senior work next year, then start college when the baby is about 18 months old. She can do the minimum f/t hours at first so she's not gone so much, get her basics in, and go on to nursing school (what she wants to do).

 

I'm also going to encourage her to keep a pregnancy diary that we can possibly publish into a book after the baby is born. Maybe other teens will be able to see that it's not that glam to have a baby at 17.

 

All in all I think we'll be okay, but there is just SO much in my life right now I can't even begin to accept this as reality yet.

 

Oh, and I haven't had the guts to tell dh. I think he's going off the deep end when I do!

[JudoMom]

She does have a job right now. She bought and is paying for her car (a Mustang convertible, which she already said last night that she knows she'll sell). If she sells it and gets something less expensive, the goal will be for her to pay it off before the baby comes (probably late May).

 

We are a "baby" family so I'm not going to overlook the fact that we will absolutely LOVE the baby, and my dd will have all of our support. Her sisters, though they know it won't be easy for her, are very supportive and excited about the prospect of having the baby around (we all adore the grandbaby that lives with us now!!)

 

However, all that being said, I just know this is going to totally change her life. And though it won't necessarily be all bad (I just don't know that I could ever view a baby as a bad thing), it will be a tough road.

 

We plan to work hard on school this year, have a summer break, she'll finish up her senior work next year, then start college when the baby is about 18 months old. She can do the minimum f/t hours at first so she's not gone so much, get her basics in, and go on to nursing school (what she wants to do).

 

I'm also going to encourage her to keep a pregnancy diary that we can possibly publish into a book after the baby is born. Maybe other teens will be able to see that it's not that glam to have a baby at 17.

 

All in all I think we'll be okay, but there is just SO much in my life right now I can't even begin to accept this as reality yet.

 

Oh, and I haven't had the guts to tell dh. I think he's going off the deep end when I do!

 

:grouphug:

[StaceyinLA]

He took it well - said he didn't know why I thought he'd be mad. So anyway, I guess that part's done.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: you all have our prayers. i'm glad she told you. and glad you are standing by her. and sad as anything that she's having to change paths. i think a prenatal appointment really soon is critical. change in vitamins (folic acid, etc, etc).... its a new world.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

ann

[Love2Smile]

I know this may not be what you wanna hear, but sometimes things like this become the biggest blessings later on....

I know this first hand

[lisabees]

Stacey,

 

You're GOING to be an emotional wreck for a little while. In time, it'll get a little easier.

 

*I* haven't been in that situation, but I got pregnant the month I turned 17. My boyfriend and I were with each other one time and decided to go back to waiting after that. Too late.

 

It was HARD on both sets of my parents (and the boy's parents). But in time, my family all just came around and it became what was best for Kimberly (or Benjamin depending on if I was having a boy or girl). We looked into options, got things set up, did all the normal stuff. I did change schools but if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have (*I* wanted to change to be with the boy, but there was a pregnancy and parenting class at that school which is why my parents changed me).

 

(Note: Boy's family did not come around. They claimed God told them not to have anything to do with us. He has since had 8 children with his wife. Kimberly looks a lot like his oldest son and preschool daughter--seen facebook pics. I spoke to him for about an hour when she was 3. He has never touched or held her, seeing her only a few minutes at a court hearing when she was an infant. My husband is my daughter's father for all intents and purposes including legally).

 

Anyway, my parents were VERY supportive but not babying. They expected me to step up to the plate. I garage saled for items I needed. I sold one car and bought another with the difference paying for a doctor (I was on a set price program- my parents paid the down payment and I paid the monthly payments). I worked til right before Kimber was born and went back to work when she was 5 weeks old. The school supplemented my daycare, but I paid the difference. She was in daycare while I did half days at school (I did the work co-op program). She went to work with me at first. I lived with my dad for the first half of my pregnancy. I lived with my mom until Kimber was about 5 months old. My mom watched her ONCE so I could see a movie with a friend. This was real life.

 

I really think my parents did it right. They had their fairly mild freak out at very first and then they were just supportive of me making a decision. They didn't save me from the consequences. In the parenting/pregnancy class that was not the case for most of the couples and I think it really hurt some of them, their relationships with their children, etc. I'm glad my parents stepped back and made me step up.

 

Anyway...One other thing I MIGHT have done differently was school. For a long time after learning more about homeschooling, I had wished I would have just done a program and finished up school as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I could have started college instead of my senior year and been into that stage of my life. I think there could have been some real benefits. But I'm REALLY glad I can say that I stuck it out that year and a half and graduated public school where I had been all my life. There is something about accomplishing that (btw, I graduated with an 8month old AND pregnant <sigh> but living on my own, working full time, and being a pretty good parent).

 

Anyway, sorry to ramble.

 

Let yourself feel the wreck of this situation for now. But it will get so much better. Time helps. But I definitely would err on the side of being supportive but having HER take on this load.

 

Here it is 17 years later. I have had a normal middle class life most of my adult years and I have the most lovely almost 17 yr old daughter who is in her 2nd year of college.

 

It can all work out. I wish your daughter the best :)

 

Beautiful story. Thanks for sharing.

 

Stacey, I have not btdt. But I am sending you huge hugs. It is so hard to see our kids make bad choices. You will be fine; your daughter will be fine. And that sweet baby will be fine. Sorry you have to go through this. We all have our crosses to bear. This will be your daughters (and yours).

 

A journal is a good idea. Or better yet - have her start a blog. We'd love to share in her journey. What a journey it will be.

 

My cousin's dd just had a baby at 17, in her senior year. My cousin will take care of the baby while she attends college (she was accepted to Middlebury College). They are torn - giving their dd the best chance in life, while relieving her of responsibility and accountability. Tough call. You do what is best for your family.

 

Good luck. :)

 

Lisa

[elegantlion]

He took it well - said he didn't know why I thought he'd be mad. So anyway, I guess that part's done.

:grouphug: I know it's not ideal situation, but knowing that she has loving, caring parents like you will make the road easier.

[MarthaT]

:grouphug: My prayers are with you in this tough time

[5Youngs]

I know this may not be what you wanna hear, but sometimes things like this become the biggest blessings later on....

I know this first hand

 

:iagree: Take it one day at a time~ God is very good and He will give you the strength and the words that you need to get through this. :grouphug:

[jujsky]

I have no advice, and I certainly haven't BTDT (my oldest is 6) but your family is in my thoughts. It sounds like DD is being mature about all of this and has put a lot of thought into it. Two of the hardest parts are over -- she decided what to do, and she told you about the pregnancy. Now I guess all you can do is give her love and support. No matter how mature she's being, she still must be pretty scared.

[sassenach]

Our oldest was born the day after my 17th birthday. I really think that my parents did everything right in the way they handled the whole thing. I need to run, but I'll come back and post more later. Hang in there!

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: Hugs and prayers.

[Mandy in TN]

She does have a job right now. She bought and is paying for her car (a Mustang convertible, which she already said last night that she knows she'll sell). If she sells it and gets something less expensive, the goal will be for her to pay it off before the baby comes (probably late May).

 

We are a "baby" family so I'm not going to overlook the fact that we will absolutely LOVE the baby, and my dd will have all of our support. Her sisters, though they know it won't be easy for her, are very supportive and excited about the prospect of having the baby around (we all adore the grandbaby that lives with us now!!)

 

However, all that being said, I just know this is going to totally change her life. And though it won't necessarily be all bad (I just don't know that I could ever view a baby as a bad thing), it will be a tough road.

 

We plan to work hard on school this year, have a summer break, she'll finish up her senior work next year, then start college when the baby is about 18 months old. She can do the minimum f/t hours at first so she's not gone so much, get her basics in, and go on to nursing school (what she wants to do).

 

I'm also going to encourage her to keep a pregnancy diary that we can possibly publish into a book after the baby is born. Maybe other teens will be able to see that it's not that glam to have a baby at 17.

 

All in all I think we'll be okay, but there is just SO much in my life right now I can't even begin to accept this as reality yet.

 

Oh, and I haven't had the guts to tell dh. I think he's going off the deep end when I do!

 

I have no BTDT advice. It sounds like you and your dd are thinking this through and have a plan and that naturally you will be in a emotional fog for a while.

:grouphug:Mandy

[Dayle in Guatemala]

:grouphug:Stacy:grouphug:

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this right now. I know that it's a lot.

 

I've never had a daughter come to me pg, but, I've been with a few girls who have walked through this and have even gone with a couple of them to tell their parents.

 

It sounds to me like she has a lot of support, which is huge! I would suggest you take her to a pregnancy center (not the kind with the gross pictures on the walls) for support. They usually have parenting classes, support groups for the girls and their parents, and opportunities to get the things you need for the baby.

 

My prayers are with you!

[Guest Katia]

Does the father and his parents know? Have you decided how/when to tell them? And, remember, not only do they have rights as far as visiting/custody, etc. goes, but the father has legal financial responsibilities towards his new baby as well. These all need to be addressed.

 

Sounds like you are doing a great job, Stacey. You're a great mom!

[sheryl]

One place I would suggest would be a Christian based Crisis Pregnancy Center. They might present adoption as an option but I know that they are also very supportive of mothers that wish to parent, need help with services, education, etc.

 

I am sure they would also have good support groups for both her and the family as well.

 

 

I was going to write the same thing here. Your dd may decide she is going to parent now, but she may change her mind in the future. Reality of night feedings and diapers are not "real" yet...non-existent. It would be better to explore the option of adoption in addition to keeping the baby. Discuss now and look for consistency of opinions/decisions now compared with down the road.

[dragons in the flower bed]

I highly recommend the forums at http://www.girlmom.com. They are an invaluable emotional resource for teenage mothers.

[mchel210]

I would suggest you go to Hope Pregnancy center. I have no clue where you live, but I see a few in Louisiana. I dont know if any of them are close! I was pregnant at 20 with my son and on my own. They really helped me out!! I would say that is a wonderful place to start. Seeing how you are handling it...Im sure you will look back and realize you did a wonderful job. You sound very supportive. That is the best you can do. I imagine she just needs your love right now...and understanding. As long as she doesnt feel abandoned...you can make it through step by step! It's not easy. She really has to grow up really fast. I think my mom really had to help me a lot. Being home and having her there made it better. As far as dad...I didnt have any support with my son's father. I would ask HOPE for advice on dealing with Dad. You may be surprised on his reaction...either way...he might want to visit HOPE in the area he lives in as well. Most college towns have one nearby.

[StaceyinLA]

The father doesn't know yet, and I don't think he'll want much, if any, responsibility. That is really okay because he's off at college and playing ball and the baby's life would be more stable without a "see ya on the weekend" dad, especially as a tiny baby.

 

Adoption isn't an option at all. My dd doesn't want that, and she has seen first-hand what it takes by having her stepbrother's baby living with us. If, for any reason, dd couldn't take care of the baby, we would. I'm not ruling out any parenting classes or support groups or anything, but she really doesn't need adoption counseling.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

My only advice is to remember to keep communication WIDE open and also discuss all the tough subjects now before they become an issue. Especially what will be done for birth control after this baby is born. Don't ever be embarrassed, ashamed or feel like you need to hold your tongue to spare feelings. If it's on your mind, say it. If feelings get hurt, they can be discussed and/or sorted out later. Nothing needs to remain unsaid.

 

My step daughter, who does not live with us, had her first child too young, she almost immediately got pregnant again and when the first child was only 15 months old, she had twins. Now she's 19 years old with 3 small children. No high school diploma. No G.E.D. No ambition other than trying to get enough rest. Nothing. She does have a really great boyfriend who works like a dog so she can stay home and be with all of them, but it's just so not the life any of us had envisioned for her.

 

We love her and the babies, but all of our lives have changed significantly and forever.

 

I wanted to and tried to address these difficult issues with her, but everyone else was so busy babying her and poo pooing over the new baby that they just couldn't be bothered to have the tough conversations with her. I'm not her primary parent, so I just don't think my words made it to her heart when there were so many people coddling her. If I was 17 and pregnant, I would listen to people who said what I wanted to hear, you know? No one believed that she'd make the same mistake again.

 

Well, she did. Now people are having tough but needed conversations with her, but sometimes I feel it's a little too late. There just isn't much you can do with a 15 month old and two twin newborns. Not right away.

 

The truth is once your child begins having sex, you need to totally adjust your relationship with them and address them directly about ALL the tough topics that go along with that decision. Hiding your head in the sand will only compound the issues . . . they will come up with or without your participation . . . so GET IN THERE!

 

OH, and :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. The more love the better. All of you will need it.

Edited September 11, 2009 by TejasMamacita

[gingersmom]

MTV (not a channel I would normally recommend) has a really good series called 16 and pregnant. It follows pregnant girls (and their boyfriends if they are involved) through their pregnancy and afterwards (including interactions with their families, friends, etc)

 

Then there is a special roundup episode hosted by Dr. Drew Pinsky.

 

Its really well done and very eye opening.

 

My daughter is only 12 but I am hoping in a year or two to have her watch parts of it. It definitely does not glamorize teen pregnancy.

 

Hugs to both you and your daughter. Once you all get over the initial shock I am sure it will turn out as best it can.

[*Inna*]

:grouphug:

[FeFe]

I have not had a pregnant daughter but I have been a pregnant daughter. My story is similar to the other that was shared so I won't go into to details. You sound like you're very supportive and she needs that. I would suggest that you tell the father and get some kind of legal agreement soon. It can get very messy the longer it's drawn out.

[SonshineLearner]

Can someone PLEASE tell me where to even begin. I just cannot wrap my head around this at all.

She knows she will breastfeed, and wants to set up the room and a bed so that the baby can sleep with her, etc. She is considering natural childbirth as well. I'm proud of those things (guess at least some stuff has rubbed off from my "earth mother" mentality), but we just want to have some idea of if there have been some of you who have "been there, done that."

 

I was 26 when I had my daughter...days away from 27. I was single and the father was a pain for years. If I had it to do over, I might have tried to have my parent's adopt, so I could have the bio dad sign his rights away. THIS would be the biggest help for my life...if his contact with her was purely on MY terms. I'd still have her visit him, but decisions would be better than what I have to do now, and I have sole custody in a different state.

 

Last name, her last name, no giving in...

 

Bed up against the wall for the nursing thing:-) And, even though I never gave formula, I loved having bottles of milk in the freezer. BUT, if it's a teen and you want them to take responsibility...

 

I suppose one of the questions is does she have the stamina and dedication to actually raise the child on her own? Are you helping? Babysitting? Help her "see" her future. How can she do things from now till it's born to make things easier. Cloth diapers for money's sake? Nursing for health and bonding.... Transportation is easier if public...with slings to wear... or Ergos...

 

Boundaries, love, support....and yet... celebration! Life is precious, and so once a child is started, there is celebration for a Human! BUT, even at 27 it is hard to be single with a baby! Is there a mom around who can mentor her?? Someone who has done this and can give her a outsider's view. (One that aligns with your core values)

 

I don't know...like I said...the most important would be if in your state you can have the dad sign away rights as soon as the child is born.

 

 

SO, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Love, Carrie

[MamaT]

Never BTDT, but prayers and :grouphug:.

 

I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Off topic but I am feeling a very anti-dad vibe in a few of the posts and I wanted to point out that not all single fathers are bad guys out to frustrate the mothers of their children.

 

Some of them turn their lives upside down to make sure their children have everything they need, including time with dad. Some of them even start their own business from home and bring babies to client meetings with them so the baby doesn't have to go to daycare...... ya, I married that guy. :001_smile:

 

Good relationships between non-married parents are possible.

 

Thank you for posting this.

[*********]

Off topic but I am feeling a very anti-dad vibe in a few of the posts and I wanted to point out that not all single fathers are bad guys out to frustrate the mothers of their children.

 

Some of them turn their lives upside down to make sure their children have everything they need, including time with dad. Some of them even start their own business from home and bring babies to client meetings with them so the baby doesn't have to go to daycare...... ya, I married that guy. :001_smile:

 

Good relationships between non-married parents are possible.

 

Thank you for posting this.

 

:iagree:

 

My dh was a single dad for seven years before we got married. No, his older children's mother and he did not always get along; probably why they split up. :D But he was and is a great dad; loves his kids, pays his support, bends over backwards to try and keep the peace.

 

Not all single dads are deadbeats. Just like not all single moms are going without support.

[Beth in OH]

:I would suggest you take her to a pregnancy center (not the kind with the gross pictures on the walls) for support. They usually have parenting classes, support groups for the girls and their parents, and opportunities to get the things you need for the baby.

 

My prayers are with you!

 

The other benefit of taking your dd to this type of center is that it will help her make the mental/emotional shift from being someone's daughter, to being someone's mother. She has become a young person with adult responsibilities, and that is a huge mental shift for a 16 yo to make. I actually think it's easier for them to envision the caretaking part of having a baby than the "thinking like a parent" part. A pregnancy center will talk to your dd as the parent with primary decision making responsibility for her child.

 

You, your dd and your family are in my prayers.

 

Beth

[SonshineLearner]

Off topic but I am feeling a very anti-dad vibe in a few of the posts and I wanted to point out that not all single fathers are bad guys out to frustrate the mothers of their children.

Good relationships between non-married parents are possible.

 

Yes, but since I posted those posts with the anti-dad vibes..

 

Some dads continually tell their child's mom that they've talked with attorneys about all kinds of stuff... like joint custody...and getting the child half of every year... Constantly lie to them about things... Smoke around them.... (when that's very against your beliefs) tell them that they can't be homeschooled because their mom isn't smart enough... she never even finished college. Tell them that the Bible isn't true and why do they believe it. Tell them that their younger 7 year old brother is smarter... etc.. And, won't properly buckle the child while they are in the car... and send them off to stay with family members that aren't to be trusted.

 

And, I have a great husband who is an even better father... who loves her as his own, and for OUR family, the opportunity to have a "united family" would be better... Much like those kids who you know would have been better off being adopted by a loving family...

 

:-)

[Pamela H in Texas]

Off topic but I am feeling a very anti-dad vibe in a few of the posts

 

JFWIW, that was not my intention when I shared. I just shared what was the truth.

 

However, jmo, but I definitely think the OP's daughter should contact the father and do the preliminary paperwork at the Attorney General's office during her 3rd trimester (paperwork can be finished upon the child's birth). Doing this did not work out in my situation, but I still think it is the right thing to do. I do not agree with discouraging the young man's involvement. He may or may not step up to the plate, but it is wrong to not give him the chance and can be extremely damaging to the child.

[Mandy in TN]

Yes, but since I posted those posts with the anti-dad vibes..

 

Some dads continually tell their child's mom that they've talked with attorneys about all kinds of stuff... like joint custody...and getting the child half of every year... Constantly lie to them about things... Smoke around them.... (when that's very against your beliefs) tell them that they can't be homeschooled because their mom isn't smart enough... she never even finished college. Tell them that the Bible isn't true and why do they believe it. Tell them that their younger 7 year old brother is smarter... etc.. And, won't properly buckle the child while they are in the car... and send them off to stay with family members that aren't to be trusted.

 

And, I have a great husband who is an even better father... who loves her as his own, and for OUR family, the opportunity to have a "united family" would be better... Much like those kids who you know would have been better off being adopted by a loving family...

 

:-)

:grouphug: Yep, BTDT except you left out the ongoing stream of cursing. Think of the foulest nastiest things that someone can call another person and think of them being repeated over and over for 18 years. Imagine a woman having an order of protection against a man and being told by the court that she still has to send her children to him that even ex-cons get visitation with their children.

 

I really, really understand what you are saying, but I know from other people's situations that this isn't always the case and would want to give this young man the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to step-up before writing him off.

 

Mandy

[dirty ethel rackham]

You've received great advice so far. One thing I haven't seen mention is choice of healthcare provider for your daughter. Teen moms can be treated so badly by some healthcare providers, that it is important to find someone who will treat your child as the burgeoning young adult that she will be forced to be, not someone to be punished for making a mistake or taken advantage of because of youth. I have seen things and heard stories that made my toes curl.

 

I would recommend looking into midwifery care because they take the time to get to know their patients and provide emotional support. Midwives work harder at encouraging healthy habits such as exercise and eating properly. Also, she will get support if she wants a natural birth and better support for breastfeeding. If she were to develop risk factors that would necessitate going to a doctor, the midwives would know who would be more likely to give supportive care.

[StaceyinLA]

She did let him know this morning. He has not responded. Apparently she mentioned thinking she might be pregnant to him once before, and he told her he didn't want anything to do with that and she should have an abortion. I don't think he will want involvement. However, we will give him that option because, legally, he should have it.

 

On the topic of care provider, my daughters all have a gynecologist already. Oldest dd had to have a female surgery, so, when we looked for a gynecologist for her, I got both of the others in for a consult just to meet her, etc. Once I found out they had been active, I took them for pap smears. I have already contacted her office this morning.

 

We're out to get prenatal vitamins today, and I gave her a big glass of OJ along with her breakfast.

 

All in all, I think we're starting off okay...

[Mrs Mungo]

One place I would suggest would be a Christian based Crisis Pregnancy Center. They might present adoption as an option but I know that they are also very supportive of mothers that wish to parent, need help with services, education, etc.

 

I am sure they would also have good support groups for both her and the family as well.

 

This isn't necessarily true. *Many* Christian-based crisis pregnancy centers are only there to talk women out of the surgical option for solving their problem. One of our old churches ran one. *Some* of these types of centers even try to pressure young women into adoption instead of keeping the baby (a friend's sister had that problem). I would strongly suggest making a visit or call to social services or talking to the school about what types of services are offered in the area.

[ma23peas]

Stacey,

 

You are starting off GREAT!! Are you kidding me?? You are given permission to pat yourself on the back and your dh!!

 

I won't revisit the 'how to deal with the shock' I think you've managed that just fine...I will say that you have the right and are obligated in some respect to sit down soon with the boy and his parents. She is still your daughter, not an independent living on her own, you will bear a large brunt of the financial and time commitment that it takes to help support a mom and her baby, you did not ask for this..and they both knew the risks so you owe it to him to sit him down and let him face this, even if he signs away all parental rights, he needs a sit down with his parents...his parents may not want to sign away rights of being a grandparent...it may be sticky, but he is 50% of this equation and you have an obligation to treat him as such whether he is responsible or not.

Time can change a great deal...but you need to be firm, supportive, loving and let them know how your daughter is going to proceed and how they can help, whether that means signing over rights or financially. I had a cousin who signed away his rights and it tore him apart..he thought it was for the best, she is now 18 and it really wrecked him emotionally..she was told that her adoptive father was her real father, now her world has come undone because my cousin had the right to introduce himself to her once she was an 'adult'....the result in all that is be truthful, give the father time to come to an informed decision, not one based on gut reaction and fear.

 

It will be hard, but she has a family support that many first time moms don't have regardless of the age!

 

Be strong and get some sleep tonight!!

Tara

[yslek]

I would recommend looking into midwifery care because they take the time to get to know their patients and provide emotional support. Midwives work harder at encouraging healthy habits such as exercise and eating properly. Also, she will get support if she wants a natural birth and better support for breastfeeding. If she were to develop risk factors that would necessitate going to a doctor, the midwives would know who would be more likely to give supportive care.

 

:iagree:

I'm glad someone mentioned this; I was going to suggest midwifery care as well. (And my favorite pregnancy book: Ina May's Guide to Childbirth http://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252691571&sr=8-1.) I remember chatting with my midwife (the one that deliverd B & T) and asking about which women, in her experience, had the easiest births. She replied that it was usually the 15 and 16 year-olds that had the least complicated deliveries. Hopefully this will hold true for your dd as well. :)

 

:grouphug: to you, your dd, and the rest of your family.

[ma23peas]

This isn't necessarily true. *Many* Christian-based crisis pregnancy centers are only there to talk women out of the surgical option for solving their problem. One of our old churches ran one. *Some* of these types of centers even try to pressure young women into adoption instead of keeping the baby (a friend's sister had that problem).

 

I have had a good deal of involvement with Christian based centers in 5 major states, the ones I have had direct contact with are wonderful support centers offering free ultrasound, prenatal vitamins, routine check ups et. to the expectant mom. The only time they may have counselled towards adoption is if the mother is on her own without a way to provide for the child or has had a drug problem. They will help in any way they can to offer support and guidance...I am sorry to hear that you know of one center that may not have...but in no way do I think that MANY are there only to talk against abortion only, they are a very large and diverse support network for mothers.

 

Tara

[Ibbygirl]

She did let him know this morning. He has not responded. Apparently she mentioned thinking she might be pregnant to him once before, and he told her he didn't want anything to do with that and she should have an abortion. I don't think he will want involvement. However, we will give him that option because, legally, he should have it.

 

On the topic of care provider, my daughters all have a gynecologist already. Oldest dd had to have a female surgery, so, when we looked for a gynecologist for her, I got both of the others in for a consult just to meet her, etc. Once I found out they had been active, I took them for pap smears. I have already contacted her office this morning.

 

We're out to get prenatal vitamins today, and I gave her a big glass of OJ along with her breakfast.

 

All in all, I think we're starting off okay...

 

I am so sorry to hear about the father's reaction. :( I just thank God that you are such a great mom and are so supportive of your dd. Lots of hugs to you and your dd. God bless you and your family. :grouphug:

[EarleneW]

I don't have much to add other then you are a great mom and your daughter is so lucky to have you!

[Mrs Mungo]

...but in no way do I think that MANY are there only to talk against abortion only, they are a very large and diverse support network for mothers.

 

There are many, many centers like that, there have been government reports on it out the wazoo that show, indeed, many of them are as I describe. Social services, the school, etc will know which ones are legitimately helping and which are only there to scare young women because there *are* good pregnancy centers out there but you can't tell which is which by the name, religious affiliation or the outside of the building. Therefore, I suggested getting local guidance on where to turn because they would know. That's all I'm saying, I'm not saying they are *all* like this, quite the contrary.