Is this level of nosiness fairly common on FB?

[KungFuPanda]

3 hours ago, regentrude said:

It's also nothing new - Facebook is just a different tool. Even before the internet, there were people, usually older women, who spent their day watching what the neighbors did, how often they hung their laundry to dry, who had visitors, which teen daughter wore a short skirt or kissed a dude on the street corner, who lost weight, who seemed to have gained and might be pregnant, what strangers were walking on the street....

I recall these women keeping tabs on people, running to others to gossip, tattling to parents... passively looking on Facebook seems very benign.

My grandmother knew ALL her neighbor’s business and would fill us in ALL the time. We knew that so-n-so didn’t cook because they brought in fast food bags three days a week, or that Ms what’s-her-face didn’t come home for retirement days. She knew if the mailman or the paper guy was late. She watched her street like a soap opera. She also caught more than one escaped toddler or puppy and foisted garden produce upon anyone in her line of sight. 

[EKS]

I would seem to me that the biggest issue here isn't that this woman is looking people up on Facebook, it's that she isn't being discreet about the information she obtains.

[SHP]

9 hours ago, Arcadia said:

That’s normal for my in-laws. They are always sneaky kind of nosy so it is not because they are retired and bored. They like to “snoop” without letting others know they are snooping so it won’t be unusual for them to snoop on social media without friending or following someone. My friends who are blatantly nosy would be very open (to your face) about it. Social media just give people who loves this kind of snooping plenty of chances to indulge in it. 

Do we share inlaws?

[Catwoman]

44 minutes ago, EKS said:

I would seem to me that the biggest issue here isn't that this woman is looking people up on Facebook, it's that she isn't being discreet about the information she obtains.

But why does she need to be discreet?

She's talking about things that the people are posting on their public Facebook pages. If people don't want their information spread around, they probably shouldn't be posting it online for anyone to see. And really, if the worst thing anyone has to worry about is a 90-something year-old lady spreading a little info about them to a very small circle of people, they should probably just suck it up and deal with it. It's not even like she's making up scandalous stories about anyone (although that would add a certain extra fun factor to the whole thing... 😉)

Also, I know I keep coming back to this, but for crying out loud, she's in her 90s. If any of us is fortunate enough to be still alive and as mentally sharp as this lady when we are in our 90s, I figure we will have earned the right to be a little eccentric. Just think about it -- this lady is in her 90s and is on her computer doing research, and then sharing that information with others. I think that's pretty darned impressive, and if that's what makes her happy, more power to her! 

 

[SKL]

3 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

But why does she need to be discreet?

She's talking about things that the people are posting on their public Facebook pages. If people don't want their information spread around, they probably shouldn't be posting it online for anyone to see. And really, if the worst thing anyone has to worry about is a 90-something year-old lady spreading a little info about them to a very small circle of people, they should probably just suck it up and deal with it. It's not even like she's making up scandalous stories about anyone (although that would add a certain extra fun factor to the whole thing... 😉)

Also, I know I keep coming back to this, but for crying out loud, she's in her 90s. If any of us is fortunate enough to be still alive and as mentally sharp as this lady when we are in our 90s, I figure we will have earned the right to be a little eccentric. Just think about it -- this lady is in her 90s and is on her computer doing research, and then sharing that information with others. I think that's pretty darned impressive, and if that's what makes her happy, more power to her! 

 

Right, and besides, this lady apparently doesn't get out much.  It's not like she's dishing the tea on Oprah or Dr. Phil.  😛

Besides, why else to we post things but for people to know what we're up to?  Grannies included.

TBH I'm bummed that my folks almost never look at my facebook page.

 

[popmom]

Personally, I know that I have certain family members who stalk my social media. I’m estranged from my parents. They aren’t on fb but definitely still stalk my page. I’m aware and the vast majority of my posts are private. I do strategically make some public posts. It’s my responsibility what others see on my social media. If I allow a post to be public, then I’m okay with ANYONE—a stranger even—seeing that post. 
 

eta: I admit that I’m assuming my mother stalks my social media because before we were estranged, she definitely did and would “call me out” for certain stuff—especially on twitter. Just retweets—not my own content. So I have to assume she’s still doing it. I’m totally okay with it because I can control what she sees.

Edited June 25 by popmom

[regentrude]

8 hours ago, EKS said:

I would seem to me that the biggest issue here isn't that this woman is looking people up on Facebook, it's that she isn't being discreet about the information she obtains.

It's ironic to have a concept of "discretion" when it comes to *public* social media posts, isn't it?

[pinball]

16 hours ago, EKS said:

Another word for it might be curious.

Again, this is all public information.  In a prior era it would be akin to looking up someone in the phone book to see where they lived.

 

15 hours ago, Bambam said:

She would look them up in the phone book, drive over there, park to the side and watch to see who came over. If someone was there and left, she would probably follow them to see where they were going. Follow the person to work to figure out where they worked. Follow any guests to see where they lived, etc.  So, that seems beyond, to me, 'curious' label. 

 

13 hours ago, Catwoman said:

But she's in her 90s now. Who cares what she did decades ago? Apparently it didn't cause any harm then, and what she's doing now isn't hurting anyone, either. I'm not really sure why you're so concerned about it.

Maybe she imagines herself as a Jessica Fletcher type and this is just fun for her.

She's in her 90s. Let her live her life any way she wants to live it. 🙂

I don’t think the woman was actually driving to people’s homes and following people to work, etc…

I think this was in response to the idea that in another era, it’d be similar to looking up info in the phone book. So Bam Bam is saying in another era, it’d be like parking outside someone’s house, driving to their work, following their guests. 

The 90+ year old woman never did this. If she did, why wouldn’t that info be included in the first post?  For example: *My mom has a long history of looking into other people’s lives in a very unusual manner. When she was younger, she’d go to people’s homes and places of employment, etc. Now she seems to be using Facebook to look up people and read about them*

 

[DawnM]

I can be nosy if I want to be.   If there is a reason to be nosy, I start digging.   For example, when I was searching for birth family.  I dug around the FB accounts of the names I was given.   

But I have my FB locked up tight due to birth mom issues.   

 

[lauraw4321]

This reminds me of a friend of my grandmother. She lived to be 100. For the last 15 years or so of her life, she was afraid to leave the house, I think. She also didn’t like people coming over. But she was very active on FB. She still had all of her wits. She kept up with friends, commented on pictures, shared, etc.  There may have been people irritated at her high level of involvement but was glad that she had a social outlet since she really didn’t otherwise. 

[EKS]

9 hours ago, Catwoman said:

But why does she need to be discreet?

So she won't sound like a crazy person who is obsessed with looking people up on Facebook, thus causing others to post about her behavior elsewhere on the internet.

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

It's ironic to have a concept of "discretion" when it comes to *public* social media posts, isn't it?

Yes!  But apparently not having discretion leads to being labeled as nosy.

[Indigo Blue]

I think if you are elderly, being nosy on FB, AND you are guilty of other undesirable habits or behaviors, that whole package = a potentially toxic person. 
 

If you are elderly, sitting at home, and only amusing yourself with FB, maybe it’s just loneliness. 
 

The lady could be doing either one. I don’t know….unless the OP knows more about her. 
 

 

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, EKS said:

So she won't sound like a crazy person who is obsessed with looking people up on Facebook, thus causing others to post about her behavior elsewhere on the internet.

Yes!  But apparently not having discretion leads to being labeled as nosy.

She might think it was fun if she found out that people were talking about her on the internet — and in no time at all, she would know everything there is to know about all of us! 😀

If she somehow stumbled upon this thread, she would probably wonder why BamBam was concerned about her online activities, and start wondering if maybe Bam Bam had something super interesting that she was trying to keep secret… leading to a whole new rabbit trail of entertainment for this curious lady. 😉 

Also, one person’s “obsessed” is another person’s “curious.” I’m sure she thinks her behavior is perfectly normal.

[EKS]

I will say that I think this, at its heart, is a question of norms.

Humans have learned how to live in places like cities by developing norms around privacy in physical public spaces.  In this context it is considered tacky (at best) to pay too much attention to, for example, the neighbors.  Note that in physical public spaces, you can't both behave normally and hide at the same time.  So we have norms that allow us to live in these environments without going crazy.

The problem comes when people try to apply these older norms about physical space to the internet.  It doesn't work.  

[EKS]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

Also, one person’s “obsessed” is another person’s “curious.”

Obsessed has judgment attached.  Curious does not.

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, pinball said:

 

 

I don’t think the woman was actually driving to people’s homes and following people to work, etc…

I think this was in response to the idea that in another era, it’d be similar to looking up info in the phone book. So Bam Bam is saying in another era, it’d be like parking outside someone’s house, driving to their work, following their guests. 

The 90+ year old woman never did this. If she did, why wouldn’t that info be included in the first post?  For example: *My mom has a long history of looking into other people’s lives in a very unusual manner. When she was younger, she’d go to people’s homes and places of employment, etc. Now she seems to be using Facebook to look up people and read about them*

 

Awwww, man! She never actually did it?

Well, that’s disappointing.

I was picturing her driving around in a discreet beige minivan, wearing big, dark sunglasses and hiding her hair under a baseball cap, pretending to be Nancy Drew (until she got older and morphed into Miss Marple or Jessica Fletcher.)

But go ahead and burst my bubble! 😁

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, EKS said:

Obsessed has judgment attached.  Curious does not.

Yeah, maybe, but once “curious” people dig up some really juicy gossip… they’re gonna judge! 😉 

[EKS]

18 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Yeah, maybe, but once “curious” people dig up some really juicy gossip… they’re gonna judge! 😉 

Unless the curious person is discreet--then no judgmental types will ever know.

[Catwoman]

Just now, EKS said:

Unless the curious person is discreet--then no judgmental types will ever know.

Oh, I definitely agree with you, but I have a feeling that a big part of the fun for this particular lady is having something to share with others. It gives her something more interesting to talk about than if she just talked about her ordinary life, and it probably keeps her from feeling isolated or unseen because she's contributing what she considers to be valuable and fun information.

[SKL]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

Oh, I definitely agree with you, but I have a feeling that a big part of the fun for this particular lady is having something to share with others. It gives her something more interesting to talk about than if she just talked about her ordinary life, and it probably keeps her from feeling isolated or unseen because she's contributing what she considers to be valuable and fun information.

Right ... because what if the alternative is:

• Latest update on my colostomy bag.
• New nurse on 2nd shift is kinda bitchy.
• Yesterday's pudding was delicious.  Today's was meh.
• Should I give to the Suburban Irish Retired Patrolmen's Cousins Fund?

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, SKL said:

Right ... because what if the alternative is:

• Latest update on my colostomy bag.
• New nurse on 2nd shift is kinda bitchy.
• Yesterday's pudding was delicious.  Today's was meh.
• Should I give to the Suburban Irish Retired Patrolmen's Cousins Fund?

Yes! And then everyone would gossip about how self-absorbed and boring she was!

Dig up that Facebook dirt, Little Old Lady, and come sit next to me! 😃

[Indigo Blue]

Oh, nvm. 

Edited June 25 by Indigo Blue

[Tenaj]

13 minutes ago, SKL said:

Right ... because what if the alternative is:

• Latest update on my colostomy bag.
• New nurse on 2nd shift is kinda bitchy.
• Yesterday's pudding was delicious.  Today's was meh.
• Should I give to the Suburban Irish Retired Patrolmen's Cousins Fund?

I was just thinking that I kind of wish that my elderly aunt with dementia could still manage to look at fb.  It would give her something to do.

[Ottakee]

14 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

My grandmother knew ALL her neighbor’s business and would fill us in ALL the time. We knew that so-n-so didn’t cook because they brought in fast food bags three days a week, or that Ms what’s-her-face didn’t come home for retirement days. She knew if the mailman or the paper guy was late. She watched her street like a soap opera. She also caught more than one escaped toddler or puppy and foisted garden produce upon anyone in her line of sight. 

My great grandmother wrote a column for the local paper with all of the happenings in the rural little community…..so and so got married and had chicken salad sandwiches and white cake or so and so had baby #5.   I even made her column one time when she reported that her great granddaughter came to visit her (I was a baby/toddler at the time) from out of state.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Ottakee said:

My great grandmother wrote a column for the local paper with all of the happenings in the rural little community…..so and so got married and had chicken salad sandwiches and white cake or so and so had baby #5.   I even made her column one time when she reported that her great granddaughter came to visit her (I was a baby/toddler at the time) from out of state.

Oh I had forgotten about that. Sigh. It was nice. We had a radio station that announced births and deaths and who was in the hospital and who was in town visiting. 

[TechWife]

Its pretty much the purpose of Facebook, isn’t it? People put information about themselves out there, including their connections, with the intent that other people will look at it. 

Edited June 25 by TechWife

[TechWife]

37 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

My great grandmother wrote a column for the local paper with all of the happenings in the rural little community…..so and so got married and had chicken salad sandwiches and white cake or so and so had baby #5.   I even made her column one time when she reported that her great granddaughter came to visit her (I was a baby/toddler at the time) from out of state.

“A good time was had by all.” Is a common refrain in mt dh’s hometown paper. It often refers to birthdays, baby showers, weddings, etc..

[catz]

Anyone else watch Bridgerton?  Lady Whistledown and the race to get her latest gossip?  Knowing your community and gossip is as old as time.

As far as an elderly, homebound types this seems pretty innocuous to me.  Doesn't seem worse than the very personal info some people post here about others that makes me a bit uncomfortable at times.  Aren't we really all gossiping about her right now?  Do I think it's common?  Not at all.  But I can think of a lot worse things for a 90 year old without a lot of social outlets to do.  The other thing, it's not like she is doing anything harmful with this info right?  She just sees a few photos and maybe knows the Jones vacationed in Hawaii and the Johnson's had a new baby right?

People should lock down their social media better if they don't want to be searchable.  Now all that said, I have ZERO qualms about unfriending someone who is annoying on social media.  I do it on the regular.  So go and unfriend if you are uncomfortable with it.   I also just use facebook as a living photo album.  And the people who appreciate the most are my older relatives.  My aunts, my older SIL, my mom, etc.  I don't vague book, post political things, post personal things, post things that would be problematic for an employer to read, etc.  And I keep my permissions pretty tight.  This wouldn't actually bother me at all and if it didn't, my first thought is maybe I am posting TMI on open social media.  

[Clarita]

I remember volunteering at a convalescent hospital as a teen. There was a group of ladies there that was a bit more active (mentally and physically) they would spill the tea all the time. It was part of my job to serve them dinner and socialize with them during dinner. It was a part of the day that I looked forward to (not even because the rest of the day was bad, as a volunteer teen you aren't qualified to do the bad stuff). 

Maybe you could have her assisted living provide something like this. The place had some cute dishes and stuff and just served the same cafeteria food Bridgerton style. The ladies would get dolled up every "evening" (it was like 4:30pm or 5pm).  

There was also a dementia patient there and on her good days she would spend hours spilling the tea with me. About stuff that happened decades ago and over and over again because she would forget things within 2-5 minutes. Those were her good and happy days. The elderly get ignored a lot (especially when they start losing their mental capacity). It feels good to them to feel heard sometimes. You don't have to do anything with the gossip but act interested.  

[popmom]

4 hours ago, Tenaj said:

I was just thinking that I kind of wish that my elderly aunt with dementia could still manage to look at fb.  It would give her something to do.

I was actually just thinking...how remarkable that she is elderly and ((that)) computer savvy. My 90-something grandmother has never wanted anything to do with a computer or a cell phone. And now that she's in assisted living, she does struggle with boredom and loneliness. If she could take a glance at all of her grandkids and great grandkids goings on and pics, I think she would feel more connected. She's getting forgetful. She occasionally forgets I've called, but the posts on social media are always there. 

I might try to set her up with a tablet the next time I see her. 

[Arcadia]

9 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

 

I think if you are elderly, being nosy on FB, AND you are guilty of other undesirable habits or behaviors, that whole package = a potentially toxic person. 
 

If you are elderly, sitting at home, and only amusing yourself with FB, maybe it’s just loneliness. 

 

I agree. I do have friends who didn’t think to lockdown their Facebook posts because they think it is like the town gossip until something like stalking happens, or they post that their whole family are away on holiday for a week or more and their home and/or cars get burglarized. 
There are also people who thinks setting their posts to the now discontinued friends of friends setting is harmless until someone has a weird “friend” who “hit them up”. My BIL and his wife are into MLM for decades and they will happily hit up your entire social circle that you happen to make available on any social media. 

[iamonlyone]

PSA, I blocked an older lady I had friended from seeing my posts because she would post our family pictures to her page (where no one knew us). So the PSA part is that, apparently when you change your profile pic and forget to tell it not to post to your story, everyone gets to see that picture. And, yes, that temporary profile picture of my three kids made it on her FB page! (I usually use a photo of flowers or something nonidentifying, but this was a temp pic from our daughter's wedding.)

Now I need to go check my FB settings because I am wondering why my posts are shareable...unless she screenshot the photo...

[TechWife]

1 hour ago, iamonlyone said:

…

Now I need to go check my FB settings because I am wondering why my posts are shareable...unless she screenshot the photo...

Anyone can snag a photo or a meme if you have the know how & you don’t have to screenshot. I do it quite frequently with memes. 

[SKL]

2 hours ago, TechWife said:

Anyone can snag a photo or a meme if you have the know how & you don’t have to screenshot. I do it quite frequently with memes. 

Yeah, I wasn't sure I should admit this, but I've copied photos from other people's facebook pages.  (I have good reasons, but I won't share for privacy.)  I think you can just right click and select "save image" or something like that.

[Kassia]

43 minutes ago, SKL said:

Yeah, I wasn't sure I should admit this, but I've copied photos from other people's facebook pages.  (I have good reasons, but I won't share for privacy.)  I think you can just right click and select "save image" or something like that.

I've done that if my kids are tagged in photos and I want to save them for myself.  Mostly from weddings, trips, etc.  Although my kids' friends rarely use facebook anymore, so it doesn't happen often.  My kids never use it.  

[Acadie]

OP, if you’re uncomfortable with her nosing about your contacts, you could have a personal boundary of not sharing names (went to lunch with a friend). Or if she presses for names, just talk about other things. I don’t think she’s going to change and it seems pretty harmless to me, but I do see how it might feel intrusive, creepy or annoying at times. 

[Bambam]

1 hour ago, Acadie said:

OP, if you’re uncomfortable with her nosing about your contacts, you could have a personal boundary of not sharing names (went to lunch with a friend). Or if she presses for names, just talk about other things. I don’t think she’s going to change and it seems pretty harmless to me, but I do see how it might feel intrusive, creepy or annoying at times. 

Yes, I have decided to take this approach. 

I really just wondered if it was typical for folks to be so nosy on FB. Apparently it is not unusual - which seems bizarre to me, but okay. It doesn't seem to harm anyone, and folks are right, it is the responsibility of any person of FB to control their own account, so I'm just going to ignore this tendency and keep my FB account locked down tight. 

[Scarlett]

8 hours ago, SKL said:

Yeah, I wasn't sure I should admit this, but I've copied photos from other people's facebook pages.  (I have good reasons, but I won't share for privacy.)  I think you can just right click and select "save image" or something like that.

I am not sure why it would be seen as a bad thing.  I copy memes and photos all of the time. 

[regentrude]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I am not sure why it would be seen as a bad thing.  I copy memes and photos all of the time. 

Memes, fine. With photos, OTOH, I feel it's not okay to copy and share if the poster has restricted privacy to friends and you're their friend, but disseminate the photo outside their friend circle.

[Terabith]

I really hope when I am 90 plus, that 1) I am still alive, 2) I have my faculties enough to read facebook and talk to people, and 3) my life and actions are salacious enough that other people discuss them on the internet.  

Like, you go, you awesome little old lady!  

Reporting what people say publicly on social media seems 100% completely appropriate to me.  It's not like she's spreading gossip someone told her verbally in confidence!  

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

Memes, fine. With photos, OTOH, I feel it's not okay to copy and share if the poster has restricted privacy to friends and you're their friend, but disseminate the photo outside their friend circle.

Well I would not post a picture I copied but I might share it with a friend. But again we are back to everyone needs to realize what a person  puts on FB is not private. 

[Scarlett]

15 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I really hope when I am 90 plus, that 1) I am still alive, 2) I have my faculties enough to read facebook and talk to people, and 3) my life and actions are salacious enough that other people discuss them on the internet.  

Like, you go, you awesome little old lady!  

Reporting what people say publicly on social media seems 100% completely appropriate to me.  It's not like she's spreading gossip someone told her verbally in confidence!  

Exactly. 

[2squared]

On 6/25/2024 at 7:38 PM, TechWife said:

Its pretty much the purpose of Facebook, isn’t it? People put information about themselves out there, including their connections, with the intent that other people will look at it. 

Exactly what I was thinking. Not only is this the purpose of Facebook, but Facebook encourages and solicits these connections.  

If people don’t want to be found, then they lock down their info. I think Facebook is wonderful for older people to keep in touch and have a sense of community.