SIL getting my son job ads… he’s 12

[Ting Tang]

My son just got his own phone. He shared a text with me from my SIL. She texted him an ad for tradesmen to start at $42/hour. This greatly upset me! I told my son it was not her place to do this. Though my son has expressed interest in being a truck driver, and I know trades pay well, I am still interested in him exploring his options, including college. Now, my SIL just returned from Florida and has taken her daughter to 3 states to tour colleges. My husband got angry with me because I was upset by this. My SIL was in town this weekend. How is this her place? It’d be nice if my husband would agree with me on something. My son is 12 and in the 6th grade. I have never privately texted my nephews or niece about anything let alone major life decisions. 

Edited March 31 by Ting Tang
Typos

[saraha]

Can you block her number on his phone?

[Ting Tang]

5 minutes ago, saraha said:

Can you block her number on his phone?

I had that thought. It will greatly upset my husband. He thinks I hate his sister and am overreacting. His family does this. If it’s anything I like or want for my kids, they suggest the opposite for them. ETA my husband got him the phone, snd it’s on their farm business plan as he farms with them. We pay for it by reconciling, but I have no access to that account. I have my own on my own. 

Edited March 31 by Ting Tang

[saraha]

This might be shady, but I have a boundary pushing sil that dh sticks up for. If it were me… I would just quietly block her. I guess if I didn’t want to be that sneaky, I would just tell ds to roll his eyes and delete. Does he have some kind of relationship with sil?

[Ting Tang]

Just now, saraha said:

This might be shady, but I have a boundary pushing sil that dh sticks up for. If it were me… I would just quietly block her. I guess if I didn’t want to be that sneaky, I would just tell ds to roll his eyes and delete. Does he have some kind of relationship with sil?

He’s very close to her son, his cousin. And so they do…But I feel she is overstepping with influence. I’m sorry you’ve experienced the same! 

[saraha]

Aw, well, can he stay in contact with the son but not the aunt? Can you make a no adults have access to the phone but dh and I? 
I have no patience with subversive adults

Edited March 31 by saraha

[Ting Tang]

Just now, saraha said:

Aw, well, can he stay in contact with the son but not the aunt? Can you make a no adults have access to the phone but dh and I?

I do like that thought. If there were an emergency, I’d like that he had their numbers…. But I never anticipated it being used this way. I asked my husband how she’d feel if I did this to her children, but that didn’t go over too well. 

[saraha]

19 minutes ago, Ting Tang said:

I had that thought. It will greatly upset my husband. He thinks I hate his sister and am overreacting. His family does this. If it’s anything I like or want for my kids, they suggest the opposite for them. ETA my husband got him the phone, snd it’s on their farm business plan as he farms with them. We pay for it by reconciling, but I have no access to that account. I have my own on my own. 

I didn’t think you need access to the account to block numbers on his phone. That definitely complicates things. I get the whole farm family entanglement. Can you talk to dh and say you feel like 12 is too young to have unfettered access to the phone and then keep the phone until son needs it and go through the texts yourself? I do that with ds13. He has access to a phone, but it’s not “his” phone

Edited March 31 by saraha

[Ting Tang]

7 minutes ago, saraha said:

I didn’t think you need access to the account to block numbers on his phone. That definitely complicates things. I get the whole farm family entanglement. Can you talk to dh and say you feel like 12 is too young to have unfettered access to the phone and then keep the phone until son needs it and go through the texts yourself? I do that with ds13. He has access to a phone, but it’s not “his” phone

Yes… that might work. The sad thing is that I don’t mind him texting with friends and giving him a little privacy. I have read the texts so far and find him trustworthy. How sad it’s her I do not trust. It’s either manipulative or… they look down on us. 

[Rebel]

You can block numbers from the phone itself without access to the account. Can you just tell SIL that you prefer she not text your son about his future career options?

[saraha]

12 minutes ago, Ting Tang said:

Yes… that might work. The sad thing is that I don’t mind him texting with friends and giving him a little privacy. I have read the texts so far and find him trustworthy. How sad it’s her I do not trust. It’s either manipulative or… they look down on us. 

I haven’t read 98% of ds13’s texts with his friends after the first week or so. And he can tell I haven’t read them. I just have it plugged into the nest and when his friends, who each have their own text noise to identify them text, he grabs it or I let him know. Anyone who is not in his intimate friends circle all have a “ding” sound and he’s conditioned to ignore it unless I say oh you got a text from… spam texts I delete and he probably never even notices. Sil would be a spam for sure. 

Good luck, I hope you find some compromise. In-laws, especially in-laws that are important to a family’s income, are tricky for sure

Edited March 31 by saraha

[Ting Tang]

39 minutes ago, Rebel said:

You can block numbers from the phone itself without access to the account. Can you just tell SIL that you prefer she not text your son about his future career options?

I’d really like to be able to tell her that. I feel like responding to the text myself. I just thought of that! My husband is pretty defensive of his family. 

[Ting Tang]

34 minutes ago, saraha said:

I haven’t read 98% of ds13’s texts with his friends after the first week or so. And he can tell I haven’t read them. I just have it plugged into the nest and when his friends, who each have their own text noise to identify them text, he grabs it or I let him know. Anyone who is not in his intimate friends circle all have a “ding” sound and he’s conditioned to ignore it unless I say oh you got a text from… spam texts I delete and he probably never even notices. Sil would be a spam for sure. 

Good luck, I hope you find some compromise. In-laws, especially in-laws that are important to a family’s income, are tricky for sure

Thank you. Yep. It’s pretty tricky. I love the spam idea. I find this whole thing pretty bizarre. We all have opinions on each other and our families, but to go directly to the kid is weird. I do think I’ll respond to the message if he hasn’t. 

[HomeAgain]

I wonder if it's a cultural difference?  I've texted my niece/nephew privately before.  I have a relationship with them as an aunt, and touch base with them every so often to keep up that relationship.  I want them to feel like they could tell me anything and have an adult to talk to that's not their parent.

This sounds like it's running deeper than a text about a career field your son might be interested in later.  Is there more undercurrent between you and your SIL?

[Carrie12345]

I can’t say I’ve ever texted my niece career/job stuff, but I’ve sent her a small number of things relevant to our conversations and her interests in between celebratory or nicety texts. I can imagine sending her an example of wages for a job she mentioned. It wouldn’t occur to me that her mother might take that as me trying to dissuade her from college! Especially at that age. If she were 17 and choosing a school, I could see it being more icky.

I don’t know. My kids have had access to communicate with relatives forever. But we live far apart and don’t get together frequently, so it’s part of relationship building.

(That is, for our not-severely-toxic relatives, just normal family dysfunction.)

[Ting Tang]

2 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

I wonder if it's a cultural difference?  I've texted my niece/nephew privately before.  I have a relationship with them as an aunt, and touch base with them every so often to keep up that relationship.  I want them to feel like they could tell me anything and have an adult to talk to that's not their parent.

This sounds like it's running deeper than a text about a career field your son might be interested in later.  Is there more undercurrent between you and your SIL?

His family constantly tries to undermine my influence. My husband never takes my side. I live nextdoor to my MIL and FIL, go in their family vacation, see them all the time. I feel It’s a parent’s job to discuss these things. 

[Ting Tang]

2 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

I can’t say I’ve ever texted my niece career/job stuff, but I’ve sent her a small number of things relevant to our conversations and her interests in between celebratory or nicety texts. I can imagine sending her an example of wages for a job she mentioned. It wouldn’t occur to me that her mother might take that as me trying to dissuade her from college! Especially at that age. If she were 17 and choosing a school, I could see it being more icky.

I don’t know. My kids have had access to communicate with relatives forever. But we live far apart and don’t get together frequently, so it’s part of relationship building.

(That is, for our not-severely-toxic relatives, just normal family dysfunction.)

I’d understand better if his path were decided/set. But he’s 12. I told him right now he is to worry about the education he receives now and explore all options for his life. I feel she overstepped, but everyone will just brush it off. I was made to go on their MN family vacation three weeks post partum and bleeding. My husband was having a good time and I got upset—they said I had had post partum depression! They’re that way. It will never change. His mom is ill with cancer so I matter even less. 

Edited March 31 by Ting Tang

[HomeAgain]

7 minutes ago, Ting Tang said:

His family constantly tries to undermine my influence. My husband never takes my side. I live nextdoor to my MIL and FIL, go in their family vacation, see them all the time. I feel It’s a parent’s job to discuss these things. 

Yes, it is.  I think 12 is usually right in the age range of when children seek out mentors and outside influence as well.

How do you define ideal relationships between aunts/uncles and their nieces/nephews? 

 

[Ting Tang]

35 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

Yes, it is.  I think 12 is usually right in the age range of when children seek out mentors and outside influence as well.

How do you define ideal relationships between aunts/uncles and their nieces/nephews? 

 

I think when a child is blessed with two parents, the two parents guide/lead. The aunts and uncles listen. They don’t take the lead or the first steps on discussing career paths. 

[Lecka]

To me, I think it’s old enough to have outside influences that talk about career paths that aren’t the parents’ choosing.  
 

However, I think it sounds like it could be the case that this SIL is a drama queen type of person, and is getting to you on purpose, in this way.  
 

I think if she is a positive influence for your son and your family, I think it’s okay for them to have private texts.  
 

If she is a negative influence for your son or your family in any way, I would make a big deal.  The person to make a big deal — your husband, who is blowing you off.  
 

It sounds like she is a negative influence.

 

I think maybe consider, if you would react this way of someone who you thought was a positive influence on your son did the same thing.  And consider if someone who didn’t seem to be trying to influence him, shared information about a variety of things.  
 

I am not a fan of limiting access to adults who are positive, but just are not the parents, because then it seems like the parents are controlling.  But not all adults are a positive influence.  
 

This is a big issue because you and your husband are not on the same page.  Is there any way to come to terms?  This is not at all the exact issue, but this kind of fundamental disagreement about “something” and not having a way to come to a mutual agreement in some way, was the primary reason we went to marriage counseling and the primary positive outcome from going.  
 

With the marriage counselor we saw, either we compromise, or we recognize that one issue is particularly important to one person, or we “trade off” on things.  But for really important things we have to compromise in some way that does work for both people.  
 

We really did not have this and did not have good role models, either!  

[saraha]

18 minutes ago, Ting Tang said:

I think when a child is blessed with two parents, the two parents guide/lead. The aunts and uncles listen. They don’t take the lead or the first steps on discussing career paths. 

I hear you @Ting Tang. Sometimes those “strong family values” look really good from the outside, and it’s different when you marry in

[El...]

We have family i disagree with on important issues. I talk about things that come up with the kids afterwards, and explain my own thoughts. I've also taught them that we don't need to take stands on every little thing, or to mesh perfectly to remain connected as family. I do pay very close attention, though.

Could you sit down with your kid over ice cream and explain why you want college to be a priority for him? I'm concerned that if you cut him off from them, he'll be left wondering why you thought he couldn't handle exposure to their ideas.

I'd play the longest possible game, which is to deliberately train him to think for himself. And I'd maintain my edge, first and most frequent access to his ears. 😉

[Ting Tang]

Thank you all. She’s certainly not the worst person, but I haven’t had the best marriage because of their family dynamics and his loyalty to them over me. My thought is trade school is always an option. But if you do not prepare for college, it may not be as feasible of an option (scholarships). I don’t want him NOT taking school seriously because he thinks he can easily go to trade school. Meanwhile, my SIL takes trips touring colleges with her kids…I would never do this to her kids, it’s not my place. I am sure she can guess education is important to me. And actually… this was a job ad that said free training, so not even  a school per se. 

Edited March 31 by Ting Tang

[KungFuPanda]

What would happen if you sent your niece ads for trade jobs? 😈

[cjzimmer1]

I guess I'll take the risk and say I'm completely befuddled by your reaction to your SIL. 

1) At 12 my kids really had no idea what they wanted to do in life and frankly I couldn't blame them,  It's really hard to know what you want to do when you don't even know the options.  I would welcome exposing them to all different ideas and occupations so they can spend time learning and thinking about what THEY want their life to look like.  I may want my kid to go to college but it doesn't mean my kid SHOULD go to college just to please me.

2) My kids regularly text with other relatives, grandparents, aunts, cousins etc.  They have entire relationships with each other separate from me and that is a GOOD thing.  It's another adult to offer input and different life viewpoints to help my child grow into their best version.  Sure parents should have input but it's pretty controlling to think only parents should discuss life choices with a kid.

I understand you have a difficult relationships with your IL's and from my point of view this feels like an overreaction to the built up tension from all those other difficult interactions because this particular thing doesn't seem worthy of the amount of angst this seems to be causing you. 

[bodiesmom]

Ting Tang,

This isn’t an overreaction on your part at all. It’s hard for those who haven’t had to experience the angst of loyalty of family over marriage to understand. 
One cannot fairly compare what happens in their “healthy” family dynamics to those of us with “unhealthy” family dynamics. 

I hear you and see you and completely understand the pain this kind of insidious overstep inflicts. This is far more than a “difficult relationship” and I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.

Please, fellow boardies, if you haven’t experienced the soul-crushing impact this type of family dynamic has on every aspect of your life, then refrain from minimizing her pain. 

[City Mouse]

I am assuming that this has way more to do with how you are treated by your DH and his family and less to do with the job add that was sent to your 12 yr old. How many 12 yr olds are going to pay any attention to an advertisement for a job when the have many years before they will need a job? 

I think this is just one more straw being piled up on your back until you break. They have no respect for you and it doesn’t seem like they ever will. I don’t have any advice or suggestions for you, but I feel for you.

[Carrie12345]

24 minutes ago, bodiesmom said:

Ting Tang,

This isn’t an overreaction on your part at all. It’s hard for those who haven’t had to experience the angst of loyalty of family over marriage to understand. 
One cannot fairly compare what happens in their “healthy” family dynamics to those of us with “unhealthy” family dynamics. 

I hear you and see you and completely understand the pain this kind of insidious overstep inflicts. This is far more than a “difficult relationship” and I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.

Please, fellow boardies, if you haven’t experienced the soul-crushing impact this type of family dynamic has on every aspect of your life, then refrain from minimizing her pain. 

Offering another perspective doesn’t mean minimizing. As someone with relatives so bad we’re no-contact and relatives with decent relationships, it’s often good to stop and think about an incident both as isolated and as a bigger picture before deciding how much offense to take. 

[sgo95]

12 hours ago, Ting Tang said:

My son just got his own phone. He shared a text with me from my SIL. She texted him an ad for tradesmen to start at $42/hour. This greatly upset me! I told my son it was not her place to do this. Though my son has expressed interest in being a truck driver, and I know trades pay well, I am still interested in him exploring his options, including college. Now, my SIL just returned from Florida and has taken her daughter to 3 states to tour colleges. My husband got angry with me because I was upset by this. My SIL was in town this weekend. How is this her place? It’d be nice if my husband would agree with me on something. My son is 12 and in the 6th grade. I have never privately texted my nephews or niece about anything let alone major life decisions. 

I think I understand why you're upset over SIL's text. From my perspective, the underlying problem is your relationship with your DH. It seems like he doesn't prioritize you and your nuclear family unit. I want to suggest that you have choices, you have power, even though it may not feel like it. If you choose to go along to get along (for instance, going on a long trip when you feel you're still healing from birth), you are choosing one set of consequences over another, which is fine. But is there a way for you to feel more peace about your choice... Also, I want to affirm that from what you've shared, your DH's family is unhealthy. They probably trample any boundaries you try to erect and your DH never supports you in establishing those boundaries. You are walking a hard path. I think you need to reevaluate your mindset to get to a healthier place in your relationship with your DH. ((Hugs)) to you.

[Innisfree]

10 minutes ago, City Mouse said:

I am assuming that this has way more to do with how you are treated by your DH and his family and less to do with the job add that was sent to your 12 yr old.

This.

It sounds like, to your dh, his family of origin is the primary unit, and you’re expected to fit into it, instead of you and your dh being the primary unit and determining together how to deal with the family of origin.  Until this is addressed to the satisfaction of both you and your dh, problems will persist. The individual issues change, but the underlying dynamic persists.

I’m not from a farming family. I can’t comment on how this works out in practice, but I have to think there are more and less successful, healthy variants of farm family relationships.

My own response would be to insist on therapy, for myself alone if Dh wouldn’t agree to participate. It would not be a point on which I would budge. I would try to find someone with experience in the sort of extended family dynamics you’re dealing with, but that might be an impossible standard to meet, since finding anyone can be hard. Hopefully you’re in a region where this situation is fairly common, and that could make finding someone with experience easier.

My goal would be to reorient my marriage to be the primary part of family life. The rest fits around the marriage, not the marriage around assorted other family.

[Catwoman]

It sounds like your dh and his family don't respect you, and that the situation isn't going to change. Frankly, it disgusts me that you are treated this way, and what's even worse is that you seem to accept that this is the life you're stuck with.

Do you have an exit plan for the future, in case you finally reach a point where your situation is intolerable? Because if I were in your shoes, I would already be putting cash aside whenever possible, and I would be making sure I was employable so I could support myself and my child.

Also, if I were you, I would confront SIL directly and tell her to mind her own business and to stop texting your son. I would also tell your son that if he doesn't like what SIL is telling him, he is free to be honest with her and tell her to knock it off. 

[Catwoman]

48 minutes ago, bodiesmom said:

Ting Tang,

This isn’t an overreaction on your part at all. It’s hard for those who haven’t had to experience the angst of loyalty of family over marriage to understand. 
One cannot fairly compare what happens in their “healthy” family dynamics to those of us with “unhealthy” family dynamics. 

I hear you and see you and completely understand the pain this kind of insidious overstep inflicts. This is far more than a “difficult relationship” and I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.

Please, fellow boardies, if you haven’t experienced the soul-crushing impact this type of family dynamic has on every aspect of your life, then refrain from minimizing her pain. 

I have been very fortunate to have had healthy family dynamics, but I really feel for @Ting Tang. I hate it that her dh is so disrespectful to her, and how he and his family are so awful to her. 😞 

I also hate it that her son is witnessing this kind of dysfunction, and I hope he doesn't grow up to emulate his father's behavior. 

[gardenmom5]

Does your mil stand up for sil's behavor?  this is *her grandson* her daughter is sending this stuff too.

Start forwarding things back to her, her daughter, and maybe even that dad, grandma, etc. - with the message, your mom thought this was a good idea, thought you'd be interested (the cousin) is actually the age to be taking advantage of those programs.

eta: yeah, I see what's going on, and I'm so sorry your husband is supporting his sister, and NOT his own child and wife.
Is the SIL jealous of your son?

Edited March 31 by gardenmom5

[gardenmom5]

12 hours ago, Ting Tang said:

Yes… that might work. The sad thing is that I don’t mind him texting with friends and giving him a little privacy. I have read the texts so far and find him trustworthy. How sad it’s her I do not trust. It’s either manipulative or… they look down on us. 

or she's just plain jealous and is afraid your son will grow up to upstage either her daughter or her son, so she's being manipulative.
Narcissistic people (not saying she is) are insecure, sometimes the insecurity is blatantly obvious, and I see someone who is insecure and jealous so she is seeking to undermine your son.  

11 hours ago, Ting Tang said:

I’d really like to be able to tell her that. I feel like responding to the text myself. I just thought of that! My husband is pretty defensive of his family. 

does he realize he's putting his own son last?
His "family" that he's trying to defend, don't care about his son, or family.  So, that's a pretty one-way dynamic to which he is blind.

Is he in denial about his family because he's just as twisted? or he has fear of admitting their rejection?

[Indigo Blue]

4 hours ago, bodiesmom said:

Ting Tang,

This isn’t an overreaction on your part at all. It’s hard for those who haven’t had to experience the angst of loyalty of family over marriage to understand. 
One cannot fairly compare what happens in their “healthy” family dynamics to those of us with “unhealthy” family dynamics. 

I hear you and see you and completely understand the pain this kind of insidious overstep inflicts. This is far more than a “difficult relationship” and I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.

Please, fellow boardies, if you haven’t experienced the soul-crushing impact this type of family dynamic has on every aspect of your life, then refrain from minimizing her pain. 

Amen a thousand times. 

[Indigo Blue]

I think she is insidiously overstepping. 

[Farrar]

Overstepping is a weird word. I think it's just straight up odd behavior to send a 12 year old a job ad. It's definitely sending a "this is your intended path" message for sure.

[Terabith]

I mean, it’s completely ludicrous to send a 12 year old a job ad. I would just be like, “Man that’s nuts. You have to be 21 to do that job.” And ignore. But you aren’t really upset about the job ads so much as the entire relationship. 

[freesia]

4 hours ago, cjzimmer1 said:

I guess I'll take the risk and say I'm completely befuddled by your reaction to your SIL. 

1) At 12 my kids really had no idea what they wanted to do in life and frankly I couldn't blame them,  It's really hard to know what you want to do when you don't even know the options.  I would welcome exposing them to all different ideas and occupations so they can spend time learning and thinking about what THEY want their life to look like.  I may want my kid to go to college but it doesn't mean my kid SHOULD go to college just to please me.

2) My kids regularly text with other relatives, grandparents, aunts, cousins etc.  They have entire relationships with each other separate from me and that is a GOOD thing.  It's another adult to offer input and different life viewpoints to help my child grow into their best version.  Sure parents should have input but it's pretty controlling to think only parents should discuss life choices with a kid.

I understand you have a difficult relationships with your IL's and from my point of view this feels like an overreaction to the built up tension from all those other difficult interactions because this particular thing doesn't seem worthy of the amount of angst this seems to be causing you. 

Me, too. Nothing seemed odd to me about the interaction. 

[gardenmom5]

OP, I don't think you're overreacting.  Sure he's 12, and doesn't know what he wants to do.  I don't know how important her opinion is to him - but it needs to be "not remotely".  and I mean, he needs to not give *any credence* to her opinion AT. ALL.

my grandmother used to tell me - way too many times - "take lots of typing classes so you can get a job as a secretary and support your husband through college." - it's extremely demotivating, especially when I was already struggling so much.   (It would have been *completely* different if it had been "so you can support yourself through college".)

[teachermom2834]

Your main issue is your relationship with your do in regard to your in-laws.

But as an aside, there are some people I come in contact with that are extremely pushy about the trades and are as pushy about the trades as people accuse the college for everyone crowd of being and they are every bit as wrong and as annoying as the college for all people are. 

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

Your main issue is your relationship with your do in regard to your in-laws.

But as an aside, there are some people I come in contact with that are extremely pushy about the trades and are as pushy about the trades as people accuse the college for everyone crowd of being and they are every bit as wrong and as annoying as the college for all people are. 

the sil is pushing 'the trades' on OP's son, while taking her own daughter around to college open houses.

[HomeAgain]

19 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

the sil is pushing 'the trades' on OP's son, while taking her own daughter around to college open houses.

But the OP's son expressed interest in being a truck driver before it was sent.  I don't see this as pushing a child into the trades when they're desiring to go to college.

My kid expressed interest in being a storm chaser when he was about 13 or 14.  His scoutleader sent an email to both of us about a weather/storm class about a month or two later.

[bolt.]

A: While I *do* think you have some long-term steps to take in order to straighten out the dynamics of your marriage, you family unit, and your in laws.

B: I also *don't* think you have to shelter your son from knowledge of the good things about trades in order to get him to focus appropriately at school.

Unless he really does think the world of his pushy auntie who seems to want to dream his life out on his behalf, I'm pretty sure 'what my aunt thought when I was 12' has never been a major influence over any teenager, ever. It may be a function of how you think about your place in this extended family that you seem to legitimately imagine that he might care what she thinks. Like *at all*. Aunts don't have more than a spark of influence for teens. They barely even know that their aunts exist. And he certainly he doesn't care more about her than he cares about making his parents proud and pleased with him.

There's no competition. You're not in a competition. You're his mother. He's always going to take you-and-dh the most seriously of any family adults in his life. By a long shot. Even when he doesn't care much for the opinions of any of the adults in his life, yours will still be most important out of all the rest of them. You can relax and just focus on influencing him directly -- it will be more than sufficient.

[Clarita]

I come from a family background where aunts, uncles, the whole extended family gets to say what they want to the kids without parental filter or consent. I can't even begin to imagine it happening and being a healthy relationship all around. I mean in my childhood sure sometimes it was fine and benign (never actually helpful), and no singular incident was that offensive, but there sure were some relatives that kept each singular thing difficult to say offensive but the culmination of their statements and advice was undermining my parents. 

Based on this post and past posts, I think SIL is definitely undermining you in some way. Hopefully you and your husband are on the same page about his academic goals and that translates into your son not really listening to your SIL.

[Ting Tang]

Yea, I think it’s utterly nuts to send a job posting to a 12 year old. The way the ad looked made the job appear to be very enticing with minimal education. Meanwhile, they take fancy trips to various universities. I cannot say I’ve worked hard to sway any of my children in either direction, given their ages, so I don’t think she should, either. The family dynamics are at play. I personally think 12 is an impressionable age and that this is influencing him in one direction. My husband doesn’t think it’s a big deal. I always feel like an outsider, like why am I even their mom or his wife. Things get decided for me. And I would never do that to my 12 year old nephew. 

Edited March 31 by Ting Tang

[Scarlett]

39 minutes ago, Ting Tang said:

Yea, I think it’s utterly nuts to send a job posting to a 12 year old. The way the ad looked made the job appear to be very enticing with minimal education. Meanwhile, they take fancy trips to various universities. I cannot say I’ve worked hard to sway any of my children in either direction, given their ages, so I don’t think she should, either. The family dynamics are at play. I personally think 12 is an impressionable age and that this is influencing him in one direction. My husband doesn’t think it’s a big deal. I always feel like an outsider, like why am I even their mom or his wife. Things get decided for me. And I would never do that to my 12 year old nephew. 

I agree with @bolt. the interaction in its own is no big deal. The long standing disrespect to you as wife and mother is a huge deal. 
 

Maybe she is sending him the add to show him what a bad decision it would be.  😳

[Carol in Cal.]

If I were you I would have a sit down talk with your son.  I’d tell him that $42/hour is not really all that much, that it tends to be an ‘as much as…’ type wage, not a typical starting one, and that he could hope for much more than that with some college degrees.  I’d also point out what you said here, which is that despite your SIL’s advocacy of the trades for him, she is still taking her own children on college tours.  And I’d wrap it up with a general injunction to keep his options completely open by being well prepared for either path, so that he can choose the best one or ones for him when he is a mature adult.

Then I go off in a corner and pray hard that I could be kind and polite to SIL despite here weirdness.  And I’d, later, be grateful that I had been given an excuse/trigger to have a conversation with my son that he badly needed to hear, regardless of how annoying the precipitating event was.

[SHP]

11 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

What would happen if you sent your niece ads for trade jobs? 😈

I mean, this is where my mind went. 

[bolt.]

1 hour ago, Ting Tang said:

... I always feel like an outsider, like why am I even their mom or his wife. Things get decided for me. And I would never do that to my 12 year old nephew. 

I guess I can grasp why a dysfunctional family would try to make a new spouse of one of the folks feel like an outsider and take control of their child. It's a crummy thing to do, and crummy people sometimes do it.

What I don't understand is why *you* are *agreeing* with them.

How do they actually, successfully, stop you from doing a single thing in parenting that you want to do??? Like, actually, how? How is it that other people 'decide for you' how you will parent? Do they supervise you? Do they break into your home? How does this weird theft of your actual normal human capacity to make decisions for you and your child function so well? Why do they get a say? Because they can talk? Making sound waves with their vocal cords is not actually superpower.

Being someone's *actual mother* actually is a superpower.

Ignore their sound waves. Be a competent parent -- as I'm sure you already are -- with or without their consent. And trust yourself that it's likely to work. Let them beak if they want to. *They* are the loud spectators. *You* are the one parenting your child. That's how reality works. (If your reality works another way, someone is pulling the wool over your eyes.)

Yes, you have a spouse. Yes, he's a parent too. That matters, but it doesn't make it an extended-family situation. He can parent how he wants, you can parent how you want, and when you need to the *two* of you will compromise... but it's not a multi-person deal. It's just the two of you looking for compromises that work. He doesn't get a bigger vote just because he's got a bigger 'team'.

Edited April 1 by bolt.