Restaurant Table Manners

[AmandaVT]

I was raised to wait until everyone at a table was served before beginning to eat. Is this still considered proper table manners? I was at a restaurant with a large party this afternoon. We were seated at 3 tables of 6-8 per table. I was served near the middle of my table group and waited while the rest of the table was being served. It took the waitress two more trips to bring all the food over. I was the only one waiting and then the woman who hadn't been served yet asked me to please begin eating, so I did. 

Is it not a thing to wait until the table is served anymore? It ended up being a bit of an awkward moment there. 

[Tree Frog]

It's generally still a thing in my circles, but if food isn't being brought out all at once, we always make sure to tell the others to eat while it's hot. 

[MEmama]

I do that too (wait), but DH's family starts scarfing down food like rabid dogs the second it hits their plates. Seriously they often finish before I even start, then just get up and leave the table when they are done. It's just the rudest behavior to me and even after 30 years I'm still left dumbfounded at their lack of basic manners.

Obviously it can be different for little ones, I've no judgement there. But grownups just ought to know better, IMO. 

[Brittany1116]

I assumed it was understood when we were at a very formal event recently, but it looked like only the women at the table knew. All the men dug in immediately, and reached over others for things. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Yes, it’s polite to wait for the table to be completely served.  Technically you wait for the host or hostess to lift their first bite to their mouth.  But in a setting with no clear host at the table, you wait for the last plate to land.  However, it is also polite to notice that others have been served and to urge them to eat without waiting for your plate, and they may do so without fault at that point.

[Bootsie]

I was raised that you wait until everyone at the table is served and the host or hostess begins eating.  But I have often dined in other cultures where that is not the case;  DD lives in Austria and the culture is to "eat your food while it is hot".  Restaurants serve each person's dish when it is ready; the entire table will not necessarily get their food at approximately the same time.  

I also learned to keep my left hand in my lap while I was eating--but in other cultures it is considered rude to not have both hands visible.  

[bookbard]

42 minutes ago, AmandaVT said:

Is it not a thing to wait until the table is served anymore? It ended up being a bit of an awkward moment there. 

That came up with me at a dinner once, and like a pp said, the men started eating while the women waited. I actually said, 'hey, don't we wait till everyone is served?' and it started an interesting discussion - some knew about it, others didn't.

[Lecka]

When we lived in Germany, they served food when it was ready and didn’t bring everyone’s food at the same time.  We lived there when we were young.

I was raised to wait, but then since I lived there I don’t care.  

[marbel]

I was always taught that, and my husband follows that rule as well, but if I am still waiting when others have been served, I tell them to eat. Hot food that is allowed to cool too much is just ick. It is hard if people are finished eating too quickly. It's too bad it can't be arranged that the slower eaters get served first! My husband is a slow eater and if food is served family style he will be requesting that dishes be passed even when he's the only one still eating. I have tried to get him to see that that's rude too but I don't think he gets it. I mean, there's still food on the table, right? 🙄 🤣

[Jean in Newcastle]

My experience is that our appetizers or salads get served together, we pray together and then start eating.  Then entrees come as the kitchen has them ready.  And because we've already shared appetizers, we don't wait for all the entrees.  Though honestly most restaurants I've been to have been very good about grouping entrees to come out around the same time.  I assume that some are waiting under heat lamps for the slower things to get ready.

[cjzimmer1]

34 minutes ago, marbel said:

I was always taught that, and my husband follows that rule as well, but if I am still waiting when others have been served, I tell them to eat. Hot food that is allowed to cool too much is just ick. It is hard if people are finished eating too quickly. It's too bad it can't be arranged that the slower eaters get served first! My husband is a slow eater and if food is served family style he will be requesting that dishes be passed even when he's the only one still eating. I have tried to get him to see that that's rude too but I don't think he gets it. I mean, there's still food on the table, right? 🙄 🤣

Serious questions, why is it rude for him to ask for food to passed to him if he would like more.  Is he supposed to get up and/or reach over someone to get it himself or he is suppose to just stop eating because everyone else has even if it's not enough for him?  I feel like I'm misunderstanding what you said because I can't see where it's rude to ask for more food if you haven't finished as quickly as others.  

[Katy]

I’m under the impression basic table manners are rarely taught anymore, but yes, etiquette still says to wait unless someone says to go ahead. 

[marbel]

23 minutes ago, cjzimmer1 said:

Serious questions, why is it rude for him to ask for food to passed to him if he would like more.  Is he supposed to get up and/or reach over someone to get it himself or he is suppose to just stop eating because everyone else has even if it's not enough for him?  I feel like I'm misunderstanding what you said because I can't see where it's rude to ask for more food if you haven't finished as quickly as others.  

I think if all but one in the party have obviously finished eating, and are ready to move on to the next thing, whether that be dessert or coffee or whatever, the lone person still eating should wrap it up. No, of course it would not do to reach around rather than ask for things to be passed; that would be worse.

It's just situational awareness. I think it's a bit rude to keep others waiting. And just to be clear, I'm not talking about bolting the food to not be the last one done. But when people are shifting in their seats, and the table has been cleared of all but one person's plates... as I said, I think it's time to wrap it up. 

[SKL]

I believe it's appropriate to wait until everyone at your table has at least something to eat.  Table bread counts.

However, it's also appropriate to start eating if the person without food asks you to.

[SKL]

4 minutes ago, marbel said:

I think if all but one in the party have obviously finished eating, and are ready to move on to the next thing, whether that be dessert or coffee or whatever, the lone person still eating should wrap it up. No, of course it would not do to reach around rather than ask for things to be passed; that would be worse.

It's just situational awareness. I think it's a bit rude to keep others waiting. And just to be clear, I'm not talking about bolting the food to not be the last one done. But when people are shifting in their seats, and the table has been cleared of all but one person's plates... as I said, I think it's time to wrap it up. 

I'm that person.  I would take twice or three times as long to eat, but that would be unpleasant for everyone else, so I cut it off.  If there's something I really want to finish, I will ask for a box.  Then people will feel comfortable ordering a dessert or asking for the check (though I may still be sneaking some bites!)

Regarding asking for plates to be passed, this is not something I see much.  We do try to put things within reach of whoever wants to eat it, but TBH we are bad when it comes to reaching vs. passing food, unless it's a formal dinner.  It feels wrong to keep interrupting people to pass food, even though technically that is good manners.

[JumpyTheFrog]

35 minutes ago, Katy said:

I’m under the impression basic table manners are rarely taught anymore, but yes, etiquette still says to wait unless someone says to go ahead. 

I agree. However, we've reached the point in our culture where people think it's fine to be on phones call while going to the bathroom in public bathrooms, so...I guess I'll just have to hope that manners are taught again some day.

[marbel]

4 minutes ago, SKL said:

Regarding asking for plates to be passed, this is not something I see much.  We do try to put things within reach of whoever wants to eat it, but TBH we are bad when it comes to reaching vs. passing food, unless it's a formal dinner.  It feels wrong to keep interrupting people to pass food, even though technically that is good manners.

My in-laws used to drive me nuts about passing. My FIL was weirdly passive-aggressive: rather than saying "would you please pass the green beans?" He'd say "hey Marbel, are you going to hold on to those green beans all night?" He and my MIL apparently had the idea that serving bowls should be in constant movement so any dish would pass by them periodically so they could take what they wanted. Like a sushi boat thing, but with overcooked meat and sides. 

My husband showed signs of doing that in our home when the kids were little and I stopped it by asking him "how are we supposed to eat if we are constantly passing the food?" We pass once, and then after that people can ask - whether that is proper etiquette or not, I don't know but it's how I was raised. It would be great to have everything within reach of all but sometimes it doesn't all fit. I'm actually not opposed to reaching during a family meal, but one of ours had a hard time making the distinction between 'things we do when it's just us at home' and 'things we do when others are around/in restaurants/as guests/etc.'

[katilac]

3 hours ago, bookbard said:

That came up with me at a dinner once, and like a pp said, the men started eating while the women waited. I actually said, 'hey, don't we wait till everyone is served?' and it started an interesting discussion - some knew about it, others didn't.

Pointing out a breach of  etiquette is a breach of  etiquette.

[bookbard]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

Pointing out a breach of  etiquette is a breach of  etiquette.

It wasn't that interesting! More sharing stories about different rules at home. 

[TechWife]

6 hours ago, AmandaVT said:

I was raised to wait until everyone at a table was served before beginning to eat. Is this still considered proper table manners? I was at a restaurant with a large party this afternoon. We were seated at 3 tables of 6-8 per table. I was served near the middle of my table group and waited while the rest of the table was being served. It took the waitress two more trips to bring all the food over. I was the only one waiting and then the woman who hadn't been served yet asked me to please begin eating, so I did. 

Is it not a thing to wait until the table is served anymore? It ended up being a bit of an awkward moment there. 

Yes, this is still a thing. When I’m occasionally encouraged to start, my response is usually something along the lines of “I’d rather enjoy our meal together” or “I don’t mind waiting.” 

[KidsHappen]

I have a fairly large brood and when we go out to eat it sometimes takes three or four trips to the table to get everyone's food out so we eat as we receive. There have also been times when one person's food did not come so if everyone waited then everyone else's food would have been cold by the time the missing food arrived. 

[Eos]

Waiting for everyone to be served is just second nature and it feels weird to start even when the host says to, though then I do since it would feel rude to not! I like the new trend in servers descending on the table en masse to bring all the plates at once.

Mini in-thread spin-off: I also think it's rude to clear when all have not finished eating but this happens more and more. I get that people might not like sitting with empty plates in front of them but this is a thing for me. 

I raised my kids this way but I also used to do high end catering and my list of table rules is pretty extensive.  I remember a luncheon I did for some very wealthy ladies, the guest of honor was 100 years old.  The hostess matched her slow eating bite for bite, so she wasn't left eating when all the others had finished.

[SKL]

2 hours ago, Eos said:

Mini in-thread spin-off: I also think it's rude to clear when all have not finished eating but this happens more and more. I get that people might not like sitting with empty plates in front of them but this is a thing for me.

Yeah, I dislike the way some servers are constantly interrupting to take things away.  Sometimes they will actually take my plate before I'm finished eating off of it.  Like I'm paying a lot of money for this food, LOL.

It seems to be a trend in some restaurants that they are in a big hurry to be done with us.  They bark a question, we answer and we're starting to make a request but he's already walking off.  Not cheap restaurants either.

It just doesn't feel like "hospitality" sometimes.

[QueenCat]

It's polite to wait for all to be served before one starts eating. Thankfully, my adult children know this too... And if someone hasn't been served and tells me to go ahead & eat, I still wait. 

[Farrar]

I agree that it's polite to wait. But I find that sometimes the serving staff makes it hard or awkward. Like, if someone ordered a salad for their main meal, and they bring it first and then wait for that person to finish. Sigh. Awkward for everyone.

[marbel]

So a possible solution to this problem: order shared appetizers for the table. Everyone can nibble away and if someone's food is delayed, they can excuse everyone else to eat while their food is hot/appetizing, and those people can eat without guilt. 

(I think that's a more fun way to eat out in general though I know everyone is not comfortable with it and not all restaurants are suited to it.)

[SKL]

46 minutes ago, marbel said:

So a possible solution to this problem: order shared appetizers for the table. Everyone can nibble away and if someone's food is delayed, they can excuse everyone else to eat while their food is hot/appetizing, and those people can eat without guilt. 

(I think that's a more fun way to eat out in general though I know everyone is not comfortable with it and not all restaurants are suited to it.)

 

Another reasonable option IMO is for a person with food to put some on a side plate for the person without food, so people can act like everyone is served.  Between bread, appetizers, and sharing, it usually shouldn't be difficult to work through this issue.

[Jean in Newcastle]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

Yeah, I dislike the way some servers are constantly interrupting to take things away.  Sometimes they will actually take my plate before I'm finished eating off of it.  Like I'm paying a lot of money for this food, LOL.

It seems to be a trend in some restaurants that they are in a big hurry to be done with us.  They bark a question, we answer and we're starting to make a request but he's already walking off.  Not cheap restaurants either.

It just doesn't feel like "hospitality" sometimes.

Don't you ask them to leave it?  Most servers will ask if I'm done because I rarely eat more than half of the plate.  Then I ask for a box to take the rest home.  But if they actually tried to take it away before I was done, I would tell them that I wasn't finished.

[KungFuPanda]

In general it's a good idea to wait until your table is served if its a reasonably small group.  If the group is huge it matters less.  I know I should wait, but I usually start eating because I am the absolute slowest eater I know and people who get plates ten minutes after I do will STILL finish before me.  I have to tell people to go ahead and order dessert because I'm going to be a while.  If I finish my meal there's no room or time for dessert.  Half the time I order something that reheats well so I can take half home if the portions are giant.  Some platters at Mexican restaurants are three meals!

[Ellie]

18 hours ago, marbel said:

I was always taught that, and my husband follows that rule as well, but if I am still waiting when others have been served, I tell them to eat. Hot food that is allowed to cool too much is just ick. It is hard if people are finished eating too quickly. It's too bad it can't be arranged that the slower eaters get served first! My husband is a slow eater and if food is served family style he will be requesting that dishes be passed even when he's the only one still eating. I have tried to get him to see that that's rude too but I don't think he gets it. I mean, there's still food on the table, right? 🙄 🤣

I don't think he's being rude at all.

[Lady Florida.]

19 hours ago, Tree Frog said:

It's generally still a thing in my circles, but if food isn't being brought out all at once, we always make sure to tell the others to eat while it's hot. 

This

[Ellie]

So, I consulted the authority on etiquette, Miss Manners. She says that yes, the hostess is supposed to start first. She says some other humorous things, as well, which is one of the reasons I prefer her over other etiquette mavens. But I digress. She also says that at parties with individual tables (and a restaurant would surely count), someone must take the lead or nobody will be able to touch anything. 🙂 My vote is at a restaurant, that people to begin eating when they get their food instead of waiting, so someone--and it might as well be me--should just start eating.

[TechWife]

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