Welp. DH and I are living separately again.

[Not_a_Number]

Like the subject line says. That's my big news for the month 😕 . 

Things here are... complicated, although currently peaceful. We spent a very turbulent 2022 figuring out why we've been having issues for years (complicated psychological issues and trauma that he hid so well that I hadn't suspected it, even though I did know something was wrong fairly early), and now we're trying to figure out if we can make this whole or not. And he's living apart from us right now because he really needs the space to deal with himself. 

Anyone have happy stories of separations like this? 😕 Ones that actually lead to people reuniting and making a happy life together on their second try? Some days, I feel hopeful, and some days despondent. One way or another, knowledge is power, and I feel like even if we have to split up, we'll probably manage to do so respectfully... and that wasn't at all obvious a year ago, before I put my foot down and made it clear to him that I couldn't live with things as they were. 

Anyway, yeah... if anyone has a story that might be cheering, I'm all ears. 

Edited January 21, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Starr]

No advice, lots of hugs.

[Not_a_Number]

3 minutes ago, Starr said:

No advice, lots of hugs.

Thank you. 

[mommyoffive]

No advice either.  I am sorry you are going through this.  Sending lots of positive thoughts your way while you navigate this.

[Scarlett]

13 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Like the subject line says. That's my big news for the month 😕 . 

Things here are... complicated, although currently peaceful. We spent a very turbulent 2022 figuring out why we've been having issues for years (complicated psychological issues and trauma that he hid so well that I hadn't suspected it, even though I did know something was wrong fairly early), and now we're trying to figure out if we can make this whole or not. And he's living apart from us right now because he really needs the space to deal with himself. 

Anyone have happy stories of separations like this? 😕 Ones that actually lead to people reuniting and making a happy life together on their second try? Some days, I feel hopeful, and some days despondent. One way or another, knowledge is power, and I feel like even if we have to split up, we'll probably manage to do so respectfully... and that wasn't at all obvious a year ago, before I put my foot down and made it clear to him that I couldn't live with things as they were. 

Anyway, yeah... if anyone has a story that might be cheering, I'm all ears. 

The one I know about involves infidelity. Husband cheats, wife immediately divorced him and leaves town.  For 6 years. In those 6 years he quietly lived alone and did not date. Her parents health began to fail and he stepped in to help. Wife had to eventually go back to that city to care for her parents. 

About a year later they remarried. 

[Terabith]

I'm sorry.  

[Lecka]

If you made him leave — I think things may be resolved.

If he’s leaving in a more temporary way like staying in a hotel or staying with a friend, I think things may be resolved.

If he’s moving into his own apartment with a lease, I have only seen this be one foot out the door and they don’t come back.  
 

But I think that could depend, when we have known someone that leased an apartment they “could have” stayed in an extended stay hotel, with a friend, or done a month-to-month sublease.  Those things were options available to them that would have been affordable etc.  

 

I think it also depends if people are stressed out by their kids.  Some people miss being around their kids every day, and some people don’t.  I don’t mean they don’t love their kids, but they don’t deal well with living with them.  I think this either helps or it hurts…. You and your kids are a package deal.  

[freesia]

I’m so sorry. 

[Not_a_Number]

47 minutes ago, Lecka said:

If you made him leave — I think things may be resolved.

If he’s leaving in a more temporary way like staying in a hotel or staying with a friend, I think things may be resolved.

Yes to both of those, although at this point, he wants to stay away while he figures stuff out. 

I'm not worried about him not wanting to come back. I'm worried about whether it's at all doable, psychologically. 

 

47 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I think it also depends if people are stressed out by their kids.  Some people miss being around their kids every day, and some people don’t.  I don’t mean they don’t love their kids, but they don’t deal well with living with them.  I think this either helps or it hurts…. You and your kids are a package deal.  

He loves the kids and is a very involved dad. That's not one of our issues. 

Edited January 21, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Hannah]

I'm sorry that you this is happening to you. 

We have very good friends who lived separately for about 8 months for this reason - the dynamic in their marriage was no longer working for them.  They did agree that they loved each other and could see themselves getting old together, but that time apart was needed to heal themselves and was necessary for the relationship - childhood trauma and dynamics playing out.  They are reunited now and it seems to be going well.   

They went to therapy both separately, as a couple and as a family (young adult sons).  They spoke daily.  Dh and I were their confidants and probably the only people outside of the family who knew what was happening.  The Dh moved to another country for a few months and framed it as being for work.

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Hannah said:

I'm sorry that you this is happening to you. 

We have very good friends who lived separately for about 8 months for this reason - the dynamic in their marriage was no longer working for them.  They did agree that they loved each other and could see themselves getting old together, but that time apart was needed to heal themselves and was necessary for the relationship - childhood trauma and dynamics playing out.  They are reunited now and it seems to be going well.   

They went to therapy both separately, as a couple and as a family (young adult sons).  They spoke daily.  Dh and I were their confidants and probably the only people outside of the family who knew what was happening.  The Dh moved to another country for a few months and framed it as being for work.

Thank you. That's heartening and sounds very similar. We're speaking a lot as well. 

How long have they been back together? 

[Hannah]

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

Thank you. That's heartening and sounds very similar. We're speaking a lot as well. 

How long have they been back together? 

Back together for about three months now.

[Soror]

I don't have a personal experience to share but wanted to offer hugs for you this difficult time.

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Hannah said:

Back together for about three months now.

Ah. So not a very long term thing yet. I hope they make it work. 

[WildflowerMom]

If it helps, I’ve known of quite a few couples who’ve separated for a bit and then came back together.  Couples from all different walks of life (some older people, some with young kids, some with grown kids, some who actually divorced and got back together, some even with infidelity who split and got back together).   Apparently it’s quite common around here because as I’m typing I’m remembering more and more people.   Anyway, all that to say, I would not assume anything about the outcome of the separation.    Obviously, in my neck of the woods, it works out well for quite a few couples.  
big hugs…. 💛

[fraidycat]

I'm sorry things are so tough right now.
 

I don't have any stories about separations or reunifications.

I really hope that everyone gets the support they need (medication, therapy, healthy coping tools & techniques, etc.) and it all works out for the best for all of you, whatever that looks like.

Big hugs.

[BlsdMama]

My cousin and his wife were separated for three years. They’ve been back together now for three years and has a new baby last year. I’m so happy for them. It does happen. 

[Hannah]

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

Ah. So not a very long term thing yet. I hope they make it work. 

I believe they will.   We live quite far apart, so time spent together is for a few days at a time and I don't think they can keep up appearances  I've seen them twice since they've reunited and there is definitely a change in how they interact.  The tone is gentler and they're less reactive. Somehow both seem to think more of how the other might be experiencing the conversation.  They've also become aware of each other's triggers.  They were both really committed to making it work and they do enjoy each other's company.

 

[Not_a_Number]

2 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

If it helps, I’ve known of quite a few couples who’ve separated for a bit and then came back together.  Couples from all different walks of life (some older people, some with young kids, some with grown kids, some who actually divorced and got back together, some even with infidelity who split and got back together).   Apparently it’s quite common around here because as I’m typing I’m remembering more and more people.   Anyway, all that to say, I would not assume anything about the outcome of the separation.    Obviously, in my neck of the woods, it works out well for quite a few couples.  
big hugs…. 💛

Any pattern for when it works out? 

[Lecka]

With your response — I think there is a good chance of things working out.  

[Lecka]

I don’t think it’s about the length of time as much as starting to take steps that seem like starting a new life.  There is a big difference between needing some items while living apart, and seeming to set up an apartment.  I wouldn’t begrudge him anything but I think at a point there is a difference.  

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Lecka said:

I don’t think it’s about the length of time as much as starting to take steps that seem like starting a new life.  There is a big difference between needing some items while living apart, and seeming to set up an apartment.  I wouldn’t begrudge him anything but I think at a point there is a difference.  

I don't think he wants to set up a new life at the moment. He wants to either fix this one or to realize that he can't. But he definitely wants this to work; he just doesn't know if it's doable. 

[Acorn]

I hope things work out as you desire them to. I do know a couple that live separately for over a year and have been reunited for almost 10 years. At the time, I thought they were living apart because of a temp job assignment in a different city. I later learned that the family originally intended to move together, but they needed a pause to consider the future. I know that even 10 years later, they use a marriage counselor. I think they are happy together, but they do work on communicating.

[Ann.without.an.e]

He’s seeking help and wants it to work. If you can have patience with him, I think y’all have a good chance if that’s what y’all want ❤️. I’m so sorry it’s a tough season. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Ann.without.an.e said:

He’s seeking help and wants it to work. If you can have patience with him, I think y’all have a good chance if that’s what y’all want ❤️. I’m so sorry it’s a tough season. 

I made it clear it was either that or we were done, to be fair. But he's obviously committed to it by the way he's behaving. (He really needed the space to figure out what to do.) 

[WildflowerMom]

Of the couples I’ve known, the ones who made it through, both parties wanted it to work and that was the ultimate goal.   I think y’all have a high chance of getting through this, based on what I’ve seen irl.  

ps. I’m actually very surprised more posters haven’t seen this often irl.  

[Drama Llama]

I am sorry, this sounds really hard.  I don’t have any stories but wanted you to know I am thinking of you guys!

 

How are the kids holding up?

[Not_a_Number]

7 minutes ago, BandH said:

I am sorry, this sounds really hard.  I don’t have any stories but wanted you to know I am thinking of you guys!

Thank you. 

 

7 minutes ago, BandH said:

How are the kids holding up?

Thanks for asking. It's hard. 

We've been dealing with this for a year, as you maybe remember. We lived apart for a few months at the beginning of 2022, but that was much more turbulent and chaotic, and he moved back in not because I was ready but because he was having panic attacks and unable to deal with living on his own. 

So we've spent the year largely in limbo. And it's been stressful for the kids. The last month has involved a whole bunch of fighting (I really wanted him to get his head on straight and make an effort without moving out. And I was very vocal about it. Too vocal.) 

So... as a result, DD6 is sad but is also relieved there isn't fighting in the house anymore. DD10 is sad and anxious and misses what our family felt like when she was in preschool and kindergarten, which she remembers well 😕 . (And it felt like that occasionally after that... on some weekends, on vacations... it's all meaningful for her...) 

DD6 doesn't really remember our marriage functioning. It makes it different for her. 

Edited January 21, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Scarlett]

The couple I know have been back together for 5 years. 

[Harriet Vane]

The biggest factors on whether or not this can work:

--Professional help over a long term. You both likely need some coaching for changing patterns and behaviors. 

--Acceptance and honesty that there are long-term issues and determination to change them. Often denial of problems makes it impossible to change. But almost anything can be changed when we are unflinchingly honest and we decide to do so.

--A healthy recognition of what's personality versus what's a problem. (A professional can help a lot with that.) For example, I am more alert at night and I struggle to get up in the morning. That's both physiology and personality. Accepting that about myself years ago meant building rhythms in our day that reflect that (rather than hating myself for not getting up earlier). Dh also has to accept that not getting up early is not a moral issue. It's a silly example, but it illustrates the principle that some things should not be changed but should be accepted and accommodated. 

 

 

I'm sorry for this pain in your life and in your relationship. Your loving words about what a good father he is gives real hope. Everything you've written says to me that healing and connection are do-able if you both work hard at it.

[Carol in Cal.]

I know of two long term couples who physically split and then moved back together.

They are both of my parents’ generation, and these splits happened after their children were grown.  In one case, the wife felt utterly betrayed by a serious financial decision that her husband made without involving her, that just about ruined them.  In the other, I don’t know what the issues were.  

I don’t know how they happened to reunite, but my impression is that it had to do with it being difficult to live alone with increasing medical issues late in life.  However, they did this with reasonably good cheer, put the past issue behind them, and continued their marriage together for years afterwards.

[Not_a_Number]

I see lots of suggestions to get therapy. We're not pursuing that right now. There are lots of complicated reasons why. Partially it's that we're both autodidacts. 

ETA: I keep editing this post because it keeps sounding defensive. I don't know how to say this well. 

Edited January 21, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[fairfarmhand]

I'm sorry about this. I hope it works out for your family.

[Harriet Vane]

5 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I see lots of suggestions to get therapy. We're not pursuing that right now. There are lots of complicated reasons why. Partially it's that we're both autodidacts. 

ETA: I keep editing this post because it keeps sounding defensive. I don't know how to say this well. 

Speaking very gently and absolutely respecting complicated reasons I do not know in your life:

Even autodidacts need help sometimes. I can learn how to change the head gasket on a car from a Youtube video. It's a mechanical process with specific steps that will result in my entirely disassembling and assembling an entire car engine. (My son did this; that's how I know, lol.)

But human behavior is much, much more nuanced and much harder. Reading and learning and trying hard will help. Getting in a Jedi (ie, a fabulous therapist) can help even more--they see from the outside. They can often prescribe options and behaviors or reject ideas for options that are unlikely to be effective. And honestly, sometimes an outside voice is easier to accept.

 

[Not_a_Number]

I can feel myself tensing up, which usually results in me sounding defensive and not like I mean what I say. But I really have to articulate this, because it's important to me. 

I'm not interested in discussing whether we should get therapy.

[Carol in Cal.]

3 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I can feel myself tensing up, which usually results in me sounding defensive and not like I mean what I say. But I really have to articulate this, because it's important to me. 

I'm not interested in discussing whether we should get therapy.

This is well put.  

[fairfarmhand]

7 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I can feel myself tensing up, which usually results in me sounding defensive and not like I mean what I say. But I really have to articulate this, because it's important to me. 

I'm not interested in discussing whether we should get therapy.

And that's okay. 

[Scarlett]

No need to feel defensive about not doing therapy. I think therapy is hugely over rated actually. 
What is not over rated is help of some kind. 
I have incredible friends…. One who has been my friend since we were 11…..I bounce my thoughts off them. I need to understand if I am viewing things correctly…or behaving correctly.  Of course this requires said friend being someone I respect  and who I can trust to be truthful with me. 
 

Do you have someone like that in your life?

Edited January 21, 2023 by Scarlett

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Scarlett said:

No need to feel defensive about not doing therapy. I think therapy is hugely over rated actually. 
What is not over rated is help of some kind. 
I have incredible friends…. One who had been my friend since we were 11…..I bounce my thoughts off them. I need to understand if I am viewing things correctly…or behaving correctly.  Of course this requires said friend being someone I respect  and who I can trust to be truthful with me. 
 

Do you have someone like that in your life?

I do, thankfully. I have good friends. So does he (many more than me, frankly -- he's a very charming man and a great friend. I'm the introvert in the family.) 

We're not always that good at opening up to them, that's a bigger problem. But I'm going to try to lean on people more than I usually do. 

Thank you for the reminder. 

[MercyA]

I'm so sorry, Not_A_Number. ❤️ I think if you love each other and love the kids and both want to make it work, you have a very good chance of doing so. 

I know people who have dealt with all kinds of horrible things and are still together and happy many years later.

[Lawyer&Mom]

Not the same relationship at all, but my mom and my uncle.  He was the baby in the family, she basically raised him herself.  *Tons* of childhood trauma.  They were very close as adults, in a codependent way, until they had a blow-up fight.  They didn’t speak for seven years.  And then they went back to being close siblings.  Sometimes relationships really truly need a reset, sometimes people really do need space to work on themselves.  

[Harriet Vane]

11 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I can feel myself tensing up, which usually results in me sounding defensive and not like I mean what I say. But I really have to articulate this, because it's important to me. 

I'm not interested in discussing whether we should get therapy.

Fair enough. And it's entirely reasonable to set a boundary on what you do or don't want to talk about here. I hope my post doesn't hurt you--that was not my intent. I tried to phrase carefully--I really do understand that there are factors I do not know or that you would quite reasonably prefer not to share. My point is--I see that you are hurting and I am sorry if my pushing on that point hurt you.

[Lecka]

I think it’s a really good sign that your marriage used to work, and you had some good years.  
 

 

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, Lecka said:

I think it’s a really good sign that your marriage used to work, and you had some good years.  

We had years that felt very good. I look back on them nostalgically. 

Whether it totally worked... our marriage felt like it worked to DD10. It was full of affection. But I've known for a long time that we couldn't handle conflict, that something was off about your dynamics. I couldn't convince DH of that. As it turns out, he was too afraid to look. 

[JustEm]

I tried to pm you but it says you can receive messages 

[Melissa in Australia]

Yes a relitives. Her dh was a violent drunk. She left with the baby. He realised his problem and stayed sober for 12 months. They have been back together for 8 years. He is still sober. they are expecting their 4th child next week

[JustEm]

As an autodidact myself who went through a separation, it certainly can be done without therapy. It takes an intense amount of work and trust in yourself and partner.

[Innisfree]

Reading along, I thought of two situations like this. Both did involve some kind of therapy or professional intervention, but please hear that I’m not pushing that for you— these are just the success stories that I know.

First situation, the couple actually divorced, and lived apart for several years. They remarried after a drinking problem was addressed, and remained together for the rest of their lives.

Second situation, more recent, involved mental health issues which required professional treatment and medication. That was close to five years ago, and they seem to have a strong marriage now.

ETA: I guess what those stories have in common is a recognition of the problem, a willingness to do the hard work to address it, and a long term commitment to the relationship. That wouldn’t depend on therapy, if the people involved could recognize and act on the problem on their own. Probably easier for some than others.

Edited January 21, 2023 by Innisfree

[Not_a_Number]

48 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

I tried to pm you but it says you can receive messages 

Let me clear up my inbox, my apologies!!! 

ETA: should have some space now. 

Edited January 21, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Bootsie]

I  have seen a number of couples separate for some time and then reunite successfully.  In some cases they divorced, in some cases they thought they were headed for divorce, and in other situations in was an attempt to prevent a divorce.  Sometimes the separation was very short term, but I know some that were separated for a number of years.  .  

The things that I have seen that seem to tilt the scales toward reconciliation are agreements on the terms and logistics of the separation.  Knowing what to expect as far as parenting decisions, how finances will be handled, how much contact there will be, and whether there will be any dating (between the couple or with other people) has seemed to be important.  Also, agreement on how much of the situation will be shared with family members and friends has seemed to be important.  I know some couples who felt that it was their private information and that any seeds that were planted with family and friends of a potential divorce would cause problems if reconciliation did indeed occur.  In other situations, I know that the couple was very open about the separation and felt that they received much needed support from family and friends.  The situations that seemed to cause trouble were when one party told famly and friends and the other party felt betrayed  or that family and friends were encouraging the partner to move on, date others, and say things like "you are much better off without X; we never liked X.."