Prayers for dh’s family please

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[Grace Hopper]

11 minutes ago, saraha said:

Dh and I decided to both go pick up college kid and do a little shopping on the way as a break. When we came out of Sams dh saw he had a missed call from fil so he called him back. I guess he had called to see if someone could run up so he could feed. Dh said we’re in Eastgate shopping, but fil had gotten hold of nephew. It is the first time he has personally called and asked for help. Dh offered to come up for tomorrow morning’s feeding but fil said nephew will do it. 
Poor dh had mixed feelings. On one hand, his dad never calls him to ask for anything. On the other, the feeding always happens twice a day so there is no plan and dh doesn’t want to help every evening. He was like can I just get a break from them for like a minute!

So fil goes out to feed twice each day? How much of that time is MIL left unattended?

Sounds like fil must come to the realization that he needs *both* farm help and home health care help. 
 

I hope your dh can just relax this evening. If fil calls your dh for help, it seems fair that dh ask him about his longer term plan for farm chores combined with nursing duties. 

[saraha]

She was only alone for the quicker evening feedings before. I guess he didn’t want to leave her alone tonight. Just one more way they didn’t have a plan 

Edited December 18, 2022 by saraha

[saraha]

It’s 8:30 in the morning and sil is already texting the group chat with me and other sil. She texted all day yesterday.

This morning’s text asked did anyone offer to go over and sit with mom this morning in case dad wants to go to church? I’m sure dad won’t ask so we need to be thinking ahead.

Bil responded nephew is going over to feed I’m sure he’ll stay if dad wants him to.

sil responded, well make sure he offers because I don’t think dad will ask.

Dh hasn’t said anything. I know he already had a “talk” with his dad that he cannot read his mind and that he is happy to help, but fil needs to ask and not expect people to just show up magically and do things. If sil is going to text all day everyday it is going to drive dh crazy. I offered yesterday to fix some food before we went shopping and dh told me no. I think he is trying really hard to hold the line about not helping unless being asked and not making it easy for sil.
 

Dh hasn’t gone over to see her since Thursday night. That was the only time he was alone with her in the hospital. I don’t know what happened that night but something did that steeled his resolve that his siblings are wrong and that there is literally nothing he can do about it. I have made sure he is available to go if he wants, but he hasn’t wanted to yet. Today we will be gone from lunch time til this evening so unless he goes this morning he won’t see her today either. I haven’t asked, he really just does not want to talk about it. Other than a short outburst yesterday during sil’s and his brother’s barrage of texts that they are all just selfish. And went back to splitting wood. He split a lot of wood yesterday.

Aaaaannnndddd here is the first text about the brothers needing to take off work to help out…and there went the back door. 

Edited December 18, 2022 by saraha

[saraha]

Once again, thank you all for letting me hash this out here. I am the kind of person who needs to talk everything through, and dh is the exact opposite. By letting me drown you all in our family nonsense, you are helping me not drive dh crazy. I can spew here and then not burden him with every single thought and opinion I have. I am so grateful to the hive.

Edited December 18, 2022 by saraha

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, saraha said:

Once again, thank you all for letting me hash this out here. I am the kind of person who needs to talk everything through, and dh is the exact opposite. By letting me drown you all in our family nonsense is helping me not drive dh crazy. I can spew here and then not burden him with every single thought and opinion I have. I am so grateful to the hive.

That's what friends are for.  ❤️  

[saraha]

2 minutes ago, Kassia said:

That's what friends are for.  ❤️  

That means more than you could possibly know.

[BusyMom5]

Post that Serenity Prayer where he can read it, too.  Let go of what you cannot change.   Your MIL had years to make up her own directive for how she wanted to be cared for in the stage of life.  She didn't do it.  That's on her, and this is the consequence.   In dealing with our own family medical stuff, I feel like rural vs urban that things are different. There are not a lot of options for care, not a lot of homes that deal with dementia,  not a lot of possible sitters.   It is up to family.  

It is currently enrollment time for Medicare parts,  and I'd calm the few nursing homes and see which add-on she needs to buy to have it paid for.  Then I'd put that on the group stuff.  I'd also have a talk with FIL without anyone else around.  He needs this reality check.  I think your SIL is an idiot who doesn't understand how Healthcare works. Its complicated,  and tons of details that you need to check out.  She may be saving thousands of dollars just by buying a supplement.   

[AmandaVT]

I think your DH is doing a great job trying not to overdo and try to get SIL and FIL to understand that things are rapidly going to get out of control trying to care for MIL, if they haven't already! 

[Grace Hopper]

Please find a way to not look at her text messages all day. It will only make you and your dh angry.
 

The only response I’d be tempted to make is “you should have thought about all this before you brought her home against the advice of her medical team,” then leave her to stew over that comment. 

Really, turn off your phones and have a stress free day together with your nuclear family. 

[sassenach]

I’d be tempted to suggest residential care again just to get kicked off the text thread. Your sil is out of her mind. 

[Grace Hopper]

Seriously, if you don’t want to turn off your phone, block those extended family members for the day. You can easily unblock them when you’re ready to catch up with the barrage of messages. 

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, saraha said:

Once again, thank you all for letting me hash this out here. I am the kind of person who needs to talk everything through, and dh is the exact opposite. By letting me drown you all in our family nonsense, you are helping me not drive dh crazy. I can spew here and then not burden him with every single thought and opinion I have. I am so grateful to the hive.

Glad we’re here to help. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 
 

during my fils illness every single marriage had major awful issues. And they were determined that “family should pitch in and do it” 

I’m glad that your marriage isn’t going to be a casualty of this tragic fiasco. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

2 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

Post that Serenity Prayer where he can read it, too.  Let go of what you cannot change.   Your MIL had years to make up her own directive for how she wanted to be cared for in the stage of life.  She didn't do it.  That's on her, and this is the consequence.   In dealing with our own family medical stuff, I feel like rural vs urban that things are different. There are not a lot of options for care, not a lot of homes that deal with dementia,  not a lot of possible sitters.   It is up to family.  

It is currently enrollment time for Medicare parts,  and I'd calm the few nursing homes and see which add-on she needs to buy to have it paid for.  Then I'd put that on the group stuff.  I'd also have a talk with FIL without anyone else around.  He needs this reality check.  I think your SIL is an idiot who doesn't understand how Healthcare works. Its complicated,  and tons of details that you need to check out.  She may be saving thousands of dollars just by buying a supplement.   

But at this point even when the MIL wants more care she isn’t being listened to and is powerless to enact change especially because her brain isn’t working consistently. 

[saraha]

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

Seriously, if you don’t want to turn off your phone, block those extended family members for the day. You can easily unblock them when you’re ready to catch up with the barrage of messages. 

I gently asked dh if I could just keep his phone for him, but he said no.

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

Glad we’re here to help. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 
 

during my fils illness every single marriage had major awful issues. And they were determined that “family should pitch in and do it” 

I’m glad that your marriage isn’t going to be a casualty of this tragic fiasco. 

I saw early on that I was hurting not helping with all of my want to discuss discuss discuss, vent vent vent. He really just wants to walk through some of this on his own, so the best thing I can possibly do is to leave him alone about it unless he wants to talk. But I don’t t have anyone IRL that I can do my own processing with, so made the decision for better or worse to air our laundry here to keep myself sane. Just wait, I’ll have to start a new thread about Christmas with my mom and sister to spare poor dh from my need to process their own nonsense 🙄😆 I finally had the strength to talk to her the other day and she wanted me to tell her how we wanted the four pizzas she’s ordering for dinner on the 23rd and to tell her exactly who would be eating each pizza! Like she wanted a list of which kids would eat each pizza, I have no idea why! I didn’t give her that level of detail, as if I would know🙄. And the nonexistent colon cancer needs it’s own space. The nonsense around here is next level.

28 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

But at this point even when the MIL wants more care she isn’t being listened to and is powerless to enact change especially because her brain isn’t working consistently. 

Most of the time she has absolutely no idea what is going on and just sits and stares. She will respond if you engage and ask her questions but she literally has no idea what is going on from minute to minute. She did tell dd when she asked if she was excited to be going home that she didn’t want to go home about three times. Fil just laughed it off. I wonder if she said something like that to dh or what Thursday night. Most of the time she only speaks when spoken too and has no opinion on things like what to wear today or what she wants to eat or drink. If you present her with two choices, sometimes she will choose. That’s why it was so weird when she kept saying she wanted to stay at the hospital. I wish I knew what happened Thursday but he just said he didn’t really want to go into it, he was there by himself with her while fil went to a granddaughter’s award dinner.

[Carol in Cal.]

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

Please find a way to not look at her text messages all day. It will only make you and your dh angry.
 

The only response I’d be tempted to make is “you should have thought about all this before you brought her home against the advice of her medical team,” then leave her to stew over that comment. 

Really, turn off your phones and have a stress free day together with your nuclear family. 

Or just, What does her doctor suggest?

[Katy]

I would absolutely respond, “No one can take time off work to do a job that should be done by licensed nurses. You insisted on having her at home instead of following medical advice. You should be the one skipping church and work, not all of the people who told you this is bordering on criminal neglect. She wanted to stay in the hospital where her needs were taken seriously and her pain was controlled. You are responsible for this, so you need to be responsible for this.”

Again, the only narcissistic person in our extended family is afraid of me, but she wouldn’t dare try and put us through this sort of turmoil. 

Edited December 18, 2022 by Katy
Typo

[Carol in Cal.]

1 minute ago, Katy said:

I would absolutely respond, “No one can take time off work to do a job that should be done by licensed nurses. You insisted on having her at home instead of following medical advice. You should be the one skipping church and work, not all of the people who told you this is bordering on criminal neglect. She wanted to stay in the hospital where her needs were taken seriously and her pain was controlled. You are responsible for this, so you need to be responsible for this.”

Again, the only narcissistic person in our extended family is afraid of me, but she wouldn’t dare try and put is through this sort of turmoil. 

This is tempting, but I don’t think it would necessarily be productive.

Maybe, “She needs a type of care that requires training.  She is going to hurt herself otherwise.   She said she wanted to stay in the hospital, and she was right—that’s where the trained caregivers were.  She needs trained caregivers and better pain control now, too.”

[saraha]

1 minute ago, Katy said:

I would absolutely respond, “No one can take time off work to do a job that should be done by licensed nurses. You insisted on having her at home

Oh, I like this. I’m going to have to find a way to drop this into conversation with dh as a suggestion. He’s asked me not to respond to sil unless she asks me a direct question. 
Or if she keeps pushing it saying “I can’t take time off for that, but I will help you research and pick out professional care for her”

[sassenach]

Just now, saraha said:

Oh, I like this. I’m going to have to find a way to drop this into conversation with dh as a suggestion. He’s asked me not to respond to sil unless she asks me a direct question. 
Or if she keeps pushing it saying “I can’t take time off for that, but I will help you research and pick out professional care for her”

You are doing a great job of threading the needle here. I think there's some of us (including myself here) who are more...forward in our interactions and would probably burn the whole thing down. But I think we all also recognize that you have a marriage to protect and part of that is honoring your dh's wishes in this process. And your dh is right, silence speaks. I've never been good at silence so I'm glad your dh has you!

[saraha]

I promise I’m not making this up, sil texted and said she is not going to have the Wednesday lady come anymore for reasons I don’t know and the nurse’s aid said she isn’t coming this week. So they literally have no hired help coming this week. But sil is not worried…

[prairiewindmomma]

1 minute ago, saraha said:

I promise I’m not making this up, sil texted and said she is not going to have the Wednesday lady come anymore for reasons I don’t know and the nurse’s aid said she isn’t coming this week. So they literally have no hired help coming this week. But sil is not worried…

This is because SIL values control > actual care for MIL. 

FIL could end this insanity at any point, but he's not.

 

[mlktwins]

2 minutes ago, saraha said:

I promise I’m not making this up, sil texted and said she is not going to have the Wednesday lady come anymore for reasons I don’t know and the nurse’s aid said she isn’t coming this week. So they literally have no hired help coming this week. But sil is not worried…

I would be taking screen shots of these texts and also any texts where you or your DH say (or have said) this isn’t a good idea, not good for her, not going to work.m, etc. Cover your butts!

[Grace Hopper]

41 minutes ago, saraha said:

I promise I’m not making this up, sil texted and said she is not going to have the Wednesday lady come anymore for reasons I don’t know and the nurse’s aid said she isn’t coming this week. So they literally have no hired help coming this week. But sil is not worried…

To be brutally honest, it sounds like your SIL just wants her mom to get along with dying. 

[prairiewindmomma]

8 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

To be brutally honest, it sounds like your SIL just wants her mom to get along with dying. 

I don't know.

To me, it's that she doesn't want any outside witnesses to how care is going when paid caregivers aren't there.  She was "criticized" when doctor and social worker and others all suggested MIL go to a nursing home because they said what she was doing was inadequate. She's punishing the paid caregivers for weighing in that MIL needed more care than she has. SIL wants to maintain control, though, so she's pushing out anyone who might disagree with her assessment and report it. She thinks she has enough mental control over family that she can pick and choose what to share with them and no one will go up against her and be able to force a change.

This, to me, suggests that she knows that nighttime is not going well, knows it, and is trying to control who else knows it. 

Maybe that is the same as what you suggest, Grace Hopper, but this could drag on a while.

[Grace Hopper]

10 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I don't know.

To me, it's that she doesn't want any outside witnesses to how care is going when paid caregivers aren't there.  She was "criticized" when doctor and social worker and others all suggested MIL go to a nursing home because they said what she was doing was inadequate. She's punishing the paid caregivers for weighing in that MIL needed more care than she has. SIL wants to maintain control, though, so she's pushing out anyone who might disagree with her assessment and report it. She thinks she has enough mental control over family that she can pick and choose what to share with them and no one will go up against her and be able to force a change.

This, to me, suggests that she knows that nighttime is not going well, knows it, and is trying to control who else knows it. 

Maybe that is the same as what you suggest, Grace Hopper, but this could drag on a while.

Whatever her motivations are - and I believe you’ve given a good theory - it’s awful for mil. 😢

[saraha]

Yeah I don’t know. I think she is just we (sil, bil, fil) want her to be in her own home and fil wants to take care of her, he loves her. I do think she might be cutting off people who oppose that idea, but I definitely don’t think it’s nefarious on her or bil’s part. I think they just think her being home is the best place. Months ago I scheduled tours of memory care homes etc but they wouldn’t even go tour them. I think they have this bleak view of nursing homes and with covid precautions, especially fil is afraid of being locked away from her like what happened to her brother during covid. Mil’s brother had dementia and moved to a home right before covid and his wife didn’t get to see him except through the window for a whole year. Once she finally was let in, he died the next day, everyone saying he was waiting for her.

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, saraha said:

Yeah I don’t know. I think she is just we (sil, bil, fil) want her to be in her own home and fil wants to take care of her, he loves her. I do think she might be cutting off people who oppose that idea, but I definitely don’t think it’s nefarious on her or bil’s part. I think they just think her being home is the best place. Months ago I scheduled tours of memory care homes etc but they wouldn’t even go tour them. I think they have this bleak view of nursing homes and with covid precautions, especially fil is afraid of being locked away from her like what happened to her brother during covid. Mil’s brother had dementia and moved to a home right before covid and his wife didn’t get to see him except through the window for a whole year. Once she finally was let in, he died the next day, everyone saying he was waiting for her.

That makes sense except for one glaring issue -- if your SIL truly loves her mom and wants her to remain at home until she dies, then she should be the one insisting that MIL have professional caregivers in the house 24/7. 

She's not doing that, and she doesn't really want to take care of MIL herself, either, preferring to delegate to other family members. I honestly question her devotion to your MIL, and think that maybe this is all about your SIL being a total narcissist and basking in the power she thinks she has over the entire family.

 

[AmandaVT]

I wonder how much of a role denial is playing here. The thinking could be - "just get mom home and everything will be fine." Putting off thinking of the inevitable a bit? 

[Faith-manor]

6 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

But at this point even when the MIL wants more care she isn’t being listened to and is powerless to enact change especially because her brain isn’t working consistently. 

Sigh..yes this. She is now being deliberately neglected and abused by fil, sil, bil. Just stay away OP. This could turn into a legal nightmare.

[Corraleno]

What's even worse than being forced to stand helplessly on the sidelines watching this train wreck in slow motion is that you just know that when it all goes horribly wrong and a disaster happens, SIL is going to blame the very family members who warned her not to to do this, on the grounds that it was their responsibility to step up and provide care instead of leaving it all up to poor, overworked, martyred SIL, who sacrificed so much to do what was best for MIL....

[Katy]

Just now, Corraleno said:

What's even worse than being forced to stand helplessly on the sidelines watching this train wreck in slow motion is that you just know that when it all goes horribly wrong and a disaster happens, SIL is going to blame the very family members who warned her not to to do this, on the grounds that it was their responsibility to step up and provide care instead of leaving it all up to poor, overworked, martyred SIL, who sacrificed so much to do what was best for MIL....

This is exactly what will happen, which is why I’d repeatedly & loudly use the words abuse and neglect right now. And frankly I’d call whatever the local agency is that oversees elder abuse and file a complaint about what happened when her hip broke & SIL insisted she was lying. No, nothing will happen now, but it will create a paper trail. 

[Hen]

I am so sorry you are being put through witnessing this.  You can mute conversations on your phone, where you aren't blocking them and still getting the conversation, but you are not "pinged" every time a new one shows up. Doing this on your phone and DH's might help with your stress level. I've had to do this for family.{sigh}  When you are able or curious or feeling strong, you can then go read the messages. 

thinking of you and sending good thoughts/prayers your way and for your MIL

 

[Faith-manor]

3 hours ago, Corraleno said:

What's even worse than being forced to stand helplessly on the sidelines watching this train wreck in slow motion is that you just know that when it all goes horribly wrong and a disaster happens, SIL is going to blame the very family members who warned her not to to do this, on the grounds that it was their responsibility to step up and provide care instead of leaving it all up to poor, overworked, martyred SIL, who sacrificed so much to do what was best for MIL....

This is exactly how my sil would act. Fortunately, mil has cut her out of all decision making, the will, everything. She isn't even welcome on the property. It is the only way Mark and his wonderful brother can manage to do what is best for her. Their sister is just that horrible of a person. Thankfully his brother's wife is also right on the same page with Mark and I, and their adult kids along with ours, so it is like a large block of people all forming a wall to keep the abuser out.

Katy is 100% spot on about using the words neglect and abuse consistently, all.the.time. On top of that, OP I recommend you start a paper trail to protect you and your dh. Call the hospital social worker, tell him/her what has happened, reiterate repeatedly that you and your husband were against what they are doing and cannot provide nursing care. Follow up with an email so you have something with a date and time stamp. Screen this the texts and Dh's responses. Print. Keep that file very handy. You may end up needing it.

[sassenach]

4 hours ago, Corraleno said:

What's even worse than being forced to stand helplessly on the sidelines watching this train wreck in slow motion is that you just know that when it all goes horribly wrong and a disaster happens, SIL is going to blame the very family members who warned her not to to do this, on the grounds that it was their responsibility to step up and provide care instead of leaving it all up to poor, overworked, martyred SIL, who sacrificed so much to do what was best for MIL....

TBH, this is exactly why I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut. I'd be calling her out day and night.

[QueenCat]

14 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

Katy is 100% spot on about using the words neglect and abuse consistently, all.the.time. On top of that, OP I recommend you start a paper trail to protect you and your dh. Call the hospital social worker, tell him/her what has happened, reiterate repeatedly that you and your husband were against what they are doing and cannot provide nursing care. Follow up with an email so you have something with a date and time stamp. Screen this the texts and Dh's responses. Print. Keep that file very handy. You may end up needing it.

I think a paper trail is super important too.

[Harriet Vane]

I’ll be honest, I don’t think a paper trail will ever be relevant. Nothing about this will raise any alarm bells for the powers that be. It may not be ideal for mil to be home, but any outside agency will see a loving family taking turns taking care of mil. At most they would warn that more coverage is needed. If mil is fed with no obvious bruising there will be no fussing.

That said, you know I am firmly in agreement with you that sil is struggling with denial and control issues and that this is unfair to both mil and you and dh. It’s hard to watch it unfold—it would be painful no matter what, but it didn’t/doesn’t have to be like this. 

Edited December 19, 2022 by Harriet Vane

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

1 minute ago, Harriet Vane said:

I’ll be honest, I don’t think a paper trail will ever be relevant. Nothing about this will raise any alarm bells for the powers that be. It may not be ideal for mil to be home, but any outside agency will see a loving family taking turns taking care of mil. At most they would warn that more coverage is needed. If mil is fed with no obvious bruising there will be no fussing.

That said, you know I am firmly in agreement with you that sil is struggling with denial and control issues and that this is unfair to both mil and you and dh. It’s hard to watch it unfold—it would be painful no matter what, but it didn’t/doesn’t have to be like this. 

As someone who calls APS at least once a week over much more neglectful and dangerous situations, and nothing ever gets done, I agree.

The standard for adult neglect is really very high. Only once have I ever had an APS case founded and that was because the elderly woman had been left in her chair so long she had basically become one with it.

If someone is fed, housed, with family or friends checking in at least occasionally, it’s hard to get anything done. And APS knows as well as the rest of us that it’s hard to find round the clock care or a bed anywhere.

[Grace Hopper]

I agree that you/the family is likely to never face any legal issues over poor care. The elder care system is truly that broken. 
 

Screen shots of text messages can absolve you and dh when sil starts playing the blame game. But legally, no one is going to press any charges over your MIL’s care situation. 

[saraha]

I am down in my back today so the kids went over this afternoon for a short visit and took soup for their dinner. Dd19 said someone came up the drive and fil said it was a therapist. So that’s good if fil will help her do the exercises.

[saraha]

Oh my I guess the the crap hit the fan literally today. Dh called me to fill me in. I guess last night poor mil messed all over the loveseat. Bil stopped by and found fil trying to clean it up. Then she messed the bed terrible last night and had another blow out this morning. Fil called sil and she texted dh and his brother that every time she gets off the potty seat she messes herself. Sil is beside herself. She has a call in to the doctor. 
I guess dh’s brother called him to talk about it and admitted this might be more than fil can handle. I am so proud of dh. When bil said dad doesn’t want her to go into a home, dh just asked well what is his solution then? Bil had to admit they don’t have one. Dh told bil that I left a paper on top of fils fridge a year ago with information about the two memory care facilities in our area, and if bil wants, dh can call them. Bil said no, I can call. 
I guess the texts are flying between the three of them and dh is just sitting back and letting it play out, other than a text to say it is probably the cdiff so she should be very careful.

[Sallie Mae]

I've been on the forum for years and though I visit almost daily, I rarely respond besides laughing at things. I've been following your thread and praying for your family. I just have to say, I'm proud of your husband and how he is engaging with his siblings as everything is falling apart. Good for him and good for you. You have been the definition of loving support to him through this hard season of life. Your online fan club is cheering you and your husband on!

[saraha]

24 minutes ago, Sallie Mae said:

I've been on the forum for years and though I visit almost daily, I rarely respond besides laughing at things. I've been following your thread and praying for your family. I just have to say, I'm proud of your husband and how he is engaging with his siblings as everything is falling apart. Good for him and good for you. You have been the definition of loving support to him through this hard season of life. Your online fan club is cheering you and your husband on!

Thank you

[Grace Hopper]

On 12/2/2022 at 6:50 PM, Grace Hopper said:

I sound like a broken record, but in many cases it all comes down to toileting. 

(From page 4 of this thread)

 

This is an awful experience for your in-laws, but also the switch-flipping moment. Hopefully your MIL will soon be receiving the care she deserves. I also believe your FIL needs relief. Not just physical, but emotional. Now that it’s abundantly clear that he can’t handle it, he may feel freer to change his mind. 
 

Edited December 20, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[saraha]

I hope so, sil just texted saying she is looking into ordering them some new furniture, with a vinyl chair like she had in the hospital so fil doesnt have to pull her out of the loveseat. 🙄

dh doesn't think bil is actually going to call anyone, but is encouraged that he is at least talking about it.

[YaelAldrich]

6 minutes ago, saraha said:

I hope so, sil just texted saying she is looking into ordering them some new furniture, with a vinyl chair like she had in the hospital so fil doesnt have to pull her out of the loveseat. 🙄

dh doesn't think bil is actually going to call anyone, but is encouraged that he is at least talking about it.

Furniture is cheaper than help but doesn't solve the problem at all.

I'm so sorry Sarah.  

[saraha]

Bil must have called sil or something, she just sent dh a text saying mom is NOT going in a home. 
Then I got this text:

Sent this to about 40 friends that I would trust their opinion this morning. Have had a couple respond they would check with someone. 

Hello there. We are looking for someone to stay with mom 4-5 days a week, 6-8 hours a day. We requires some care but also would like someone who can keep her engaged and help around the house. We have some ladies helping now but  it would be better to have the same person for consistency. I don’t really want to advertise since they will be taking care of my mother in her home. I’d rather have someone recommended to us by a friend so I decided to just text my friends and ask for help. If you know anyone who might be interested please ask them and let me know. Thank you

Pay variable. I'd like to stay $15 or below if possible. Hours negotiable 9-4ish. M-F possibly but maybe Wed or Friday we can cover. Dad will usually be there outside somewhere but he does go run errands. We can negotiate with any of the above. 

So that’s something I guess 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

Edited December 20, 2022 by saraha

[Storygirl]

If they can find someone who is willing to deal with multiple Cdiff blow outs per day for less than $15 an hour -- it will be miraculous!

[Moonhawk]

20 minutes ago, saraha said:

I hope so, sil just texted saying she is looking into ordering them some new furniture, with a vinyl chair like she had in the hospital so fil doesnt have to pull her out of the loveseat. 🙄

Yes, because obviously it's the furniture that's the problem. 

7 minutes ago, saraha said:

...

Hello there. We are looking for someone to stay with mom 4-5 days a week, 6-8 hours a day. We requires some care but also would like someone who can keep her engaged and help around the house. We have some ladies helping now but  it would be better to have the same person for consistency. I don’t really want to advertise since they will be taking care of my mother in her home. I’d rather have someone recommended to us by a friend so I decided to just text my friends and ask for help. If you know anyone who might be interested please ask them and let me know. Thank you

Pay variable. I'd like to stay $15 or below if possible. Hours negotiable 9-4ish. M-F possibly but maybe Wed or Friday we can cover. Dad will usually be there outside somewhere but he does go run errands. We can negotiate with any of the above. ...

You know, I'd be a lot more forgiving towards SIL if she wanted to keep her home and was doing everything in her power to make that as comfortable and as safe as possible for MIL. But that would require getting qualified people, who have experience with people in MIL's condition and able to give the level of care she needs, and value them for the care and comfort they provide. That isn't what she's looking for here. She is just searching for a new group of people she can bend to her will for a bit before they start to have opinions that differ, then rinse and repeat. 

[Grace Hopper]

12 minutes ago, saraha said:

Bil must have called sil or something, she just sent dh a text saying mom is NOT going in a home. 
Then I got this text:

Sent this to about 40 friends that I would trust their opinion this morning. Have had a couple respond they would check with someone. 

Hello there. We are looking for someone to stay with mom 4-5 days a week, 6-8 hours a day. We requires some care but also would like someone who can keep her engaged and help around the house. We have some ladies helping now but  it would be better to have the same person for consistency. I don’t really want to advertise since they will be taking care of my mother in her home. I’d rather have someone recommended to us by a friend so I decided to just text my friends and ask for help. If you know anyone who might be interested please ask them and let me know. Thank you

Pay variable. I'd like to stay $15 or below if possible. Hours negotiable 9-4ish. M-F possibly but maybe Wed or Friday we can cover. Dad will usually be there outside somewhere but he does go run errands. We can negotiate with any of the above. 

So that’s something I guess 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

Please hit reply all and say btw just so you know she has C-diff.