Leaving social situations without goodbye or notice

[lauraw4321]

My mom, who I sometimes try to “figure out” only to decide it’s not productive, is notorious for just…leaving social situations. Like we would be at Thanksgiving with family and she’d just leave. No goodbye, no real notice, just gone. Once I was an adult and going to things separately, people would always turn to me asking when she left and why. I never knew what to say.
 

We were on a trip kind of together today and I suggested plans for breakfast. She was evasive. When I called her at 7:30, they’d already left to make the drive back home. 
 

What do you, Hive, make of this?

Edited October 9, 2022 by lauraw4321

[Rosie_0801]

Other than she clearly wishes to be elsewhere, not dealing with whomever she's had to be dealing with, I don't make anything of it.

[Drama Llama]

How about “Leaving without saying goodbye?”  For a title

[Terabith]

Yeah, I was expecting this to be like a Midwestern or Southern goodbye, where you say, "Whelp, I guess I better get going," and then chin wag for another hour and then move to the driveway where you talk for another 45 minutes, and it's super hard to extricate yourself.  

[Melissa Louise]

It's an avoidant style of interaction. That's all I'd make of it. Who knows why? 

 

[Pawz4me]

I don’t know what to make of it, but I know someone who does it. I’ve wondered if it’s some sort of anxiety related thing that has to do with saying goodbye or leaving a group. I have a little difficulty with that myself, and would prefer sometimes to just slip out without all the goodbyes (but I don’t).

[Shoeless]

My mom doesn't do this exact thing, but she does other things that go completely against social norms. When relatives ask "Why does she do that?", I respond "I have no idea. She's weird".  🤷‍♀️

[lauraw4321]

18 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

My mom doesn't do this exact thing, but she does other things that go completely against social norms. When relatives ask "Why does she do that?", I respond "I have no idea. She's weird".  🤷‍♀️

Do you feel like others hold you responsible for your behavior? 

[EmilyGF]

I used to do this until a friend called me out on it and said it was weird.

I usually did it because it felt like others were in conversation or otherwise busy and I didn't want to bother them. Later, I learned that it bothered them more to have someone leave without saying goodbye.

As a corollary, I hate it when people come to classes or meetings late and then apologize for being late, causing much more disruption than if they had just walked in quietly, sat down, and listened. 

Emily

[Shoeless]

45 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

Do you feel like others hold you responsible for your behavior? 

Hold me responsible for my behavior or hers? 

Assuming you meant her behavior, I don't think they hold me responsible. I think they expect I have some sort of special insight into her actions since I am her daughter. But I really haven't a clue what makes her tick. I can't even say for certain that she likes me. 🤷

[Grace Hopper]

I have done this. Usually it’s when there’s a large gathering of large personalities, my voice won’t be missed, and I’ve maybe already had a long day. But honestly, haven’t you ever seen a person make a loud exit, calling everyone’s attention to themself as they go - or maybe have to have that dragged out parting conversation with an audience? I’m personally not comfortable with that and would rather slip out quietly. Probably my personality type. I’m not mad, I’m just at the end of my energy. 
 

In such cases I do try to find the host and quietly say thanks, but I have also just texted my thanks once I get in the car to go. I say thanks and usually just explain I’m tired and need to get up early, that’s reason enough. I personally don’t think it’s rude if I’ve thanked my host, and the reason I give is bland enough to be shared if anyone asks. Because it’s usually the truth, if not physically, then certainly mentally or emotionally. 
 

[lauraw4321]

2 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

Hold me responsible for my behavior or hers? 

Assuming you meant her behavior, I don't think they hold me responsible. I think they expect I have some sort of special insight into her actions since I am her daughter. But I really haven't a clue what makes her tick. I can't even say for certain that she likes me. 🤷

Yes, you interpreted me correctly. 
 

I somehow feel guilty when asked about it by my relatives. 

[lauraw4321]

Just now, Grace Hopper said:

I have done this. Usually it’s when there’s a large gathering of large personalities, my voice won’t be missed, and I’ve maybe already had a long day. But honestly, haven’t you ever seen a person make a loud exit, calling everyone’s attention to themself as they go - or maybe have to have that dragged out parting conversation with an audience? I’m personally not comfortable with that and would rather slip out quietly. Probably my personality type. I’m not mad, I’m just at the end of my energy. 
 

In such cases I do try to find the host and quietly say thanks, but I have also just texted my thanks once I get in the car to go. I say thanks and usually just explain I’m tired and need to get up early, that’s reason enough. I personally don’t think it’s rude if I’ve thanked my host, and the reason I give is bland enough to be shared if anyone asks. Because it’s usually the truth, if not physically, then certainly mentally or emotionally. 
 

It’s often the host/hostess asking me where she went. 

[Tanaqui]

I kinda feel like the only person who can answer this question is your mom. *shrugs*

[Grace Hopper]

5 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

It’s often the host/hostess asking me where she went. 

Well, unless you actually are your mother’s keeper…. you are not your mother’s keeper. A simple “I don’t know” with a smile is all you need to respond to the host. 
 

I don’t know what your mom’s reasons are for her behavior, but for me it stems from a desire to not have undue attention called upon myself. It’s not weird. It’s just who I am. 

[Shoeless]

25 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

Yes, you interpreted me correctly. 
 

I somehow feel guilty when asked about it by my relatives. 

Try not to feel guilty. You aren't responsible for anything she does or says. She's a grown up, after all. You can't change her behavior. 

[Not_a_Number]

1 hour ago, MissLemon said:

Try not to feel guilty. You aren't responsible for anything she does or says. She's a grown up, after all. You can't change her behavior. 

And weirdly, the less guilty one feels, the more people will feel it's not your fault due to the way you carry yourself. 

Human psychology is weird.

[gardenmom5]

1dd does the same thing.  She's on the spectrum (diagnosed as an adult - it explained so many things . . . I'm sorry we weren't able to get her diagnosed sooner.)

She gets overwhelmed and just can't handle it the stimulation.   I've suggested she at least say goodbye to the host . . . 

[gardenmom5]

5 hours ago, Terabith said:

Yeah, I was expecting this to be like a Midwestern or Southern goodbye, where you say, "Whelp, I guess I better get going," and then chin wag for another hour and then move to the driveway where you talk for another 45 minutes, and it's super hard to extricate yourself.  

Are you saying it's because my grandmother was from the midwest she would do this?  (on phone calls too).  Drove me nuts.  Is arriving a couple hours early also a midwest thing?

[Lawyer&Mom]

10 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

1dd does the same thing.  She's on the spectrum (diagnosed as an adult - it explained so many things . . . I'm sorry we weren't able to get her diagnosed sooner.)

She gets overwhelmed and just can't handle it the stimulation.   I've suggested she at least say goodbye to the host . . . 

Autistic people have to accommodate a lot of not-Autistic social expectations at most parties.  At the end of the night, when we are the most socially spent, perhaps the not-Autistics can accommodate us, and let us leave how we wish.  

[prairiewindmomma]

8 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

Are you saying it's because my grandmother was from the midwest she would do this?  (on phone calls too).  Drove me nuts.  Is arriving a couple hours early also a midwest thing?

Yes, at least in my family of origin.

”Whelp, I better getting going” is the polite signal that you are gathering up your people/things/conversation and contemplating heading home.

”Whelp” and slapping your thighs when you are the host is the polite signal that your guests should excuse themselves because you have things to do. Since goodbyes take forever, you should do this if you have to be somewhere in an hour.

[prairiewindmomma]

I have relatives who do this, and hosts ask me…. I do think the relatives are quirky, and I don’t feel self conscious about their ducking out. If a host knows them well enough to invite them, they know what they are getting into, iykwim. Usually the host inquiring is a polite check-in, just making sure they aren’t ill/offended/etc. or acknowledging their absence.

[gardenmom5]

52 minutes ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

Autistic people have to accommodate a lot of not-Autistic social expectations at most parties.  At the end of the night, when we are the most socially spent, perhaps the not-Autistics can accommodate us, and let us leave how we wish.  

I'm on the spectrum, and I have two other children on the spectrum.

It's not asking too much for her to let someone know she's leaving so we don't have to go looking for her.

right now - she's finding it too much to tell 2dd when she plans on going to her house, even though she expects 2dd to pick her up from the airport.  (and 2dd would like to know her schedule so she can plan what she's doing  . . . )

[LostSurprise]

*You're not close to the hosts. 
*They're busy/engaged and have been for several moments while you waited to get their attention. 
*It's a group or organizational party with no specific hosts. 
*You're tired/overwhelmed/late/bored. 
*You don't quite fit in with the group and you're tired of trying to make it work. 

I have done something similar. I usually say goodbye to the people I was directly talking to/sitting with, but if they wandered off and you haven't found yourself a new group then everything feels awkward anyway. I usually wait to get the attention of one of the hosts. Otherwise, I aim a 'bye now, nice to see you' in the general direction of the party and take off. 

[KungFuPanda]

I’ve done this more than once. They call it an Irish exit around here, but I really don’t know why. You’re ready to go, but you don’t want to stop the flow of the party or force people to stop their conversations and focus on you. It only seems to work well in large, informal parties with no set end time. 

[pinball]

4 minutes ago, LostSurprise said:

*You're not close to the hosts. 
*They're busy/engaged and have been for several moments while you waited to get their attention. 
*It's a group or organizational party with no specific hosts. 
*You're tired/overwhelmed/late/bored. 
*You don't quite fit in with the group and you're tired of trying to make it work. 

I have done something similar. I usually say goodbye to the people I was directly talking to/sitting with, but if they wandered off and you haven't found yourself a new group then everything feels awkward anyway. I usually wait to get the attention of one of the hosts. Otherwise, I aim a 'bye now, nice to see you' in the general direction of the party and take off. 

These are great answers. Just shows that sometimes stuff happens and it might be the best option to quietly go rather than do anything else.

 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

7 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

1dd does the same thing.  She's on the spectrum (diagnosed as an adult - it explained so many things . . . I'm sorry we weren't able to get her diagnosed sooner.)

She gets overwhelmed and just can't handle it the stimulation.   I've suggested she at least say goodbye to the host . . . 

I do similar. I now try to at least say goodbye to the host but usually I’m so overstimulated at this point that I just need to leave.

Diagnosed on the spectrum as an adult as well.

[KrissiK]

13 hours ago, Pawz4me said:

I don’t know what to make of it, but I know someone who does it. I’ve wondered if it’s some sort of anxiety related thing that has to do with saying goodbye or leaving a group. I have a little difficulty with that myself, and would prefer sometimes to just slip out without all the goodbyes (but I don’t).

I can relate to this. I usually have to gear myself up to search out the hostess and thank her for the invitations, etc. etc. A bit of social anxiety there.

[gardenmom5]

42 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I do similar. I now try to at least say goodbye to the host but usually I’m so overstimulated at this point that I just need to leave.

Diagnosed on the spectrum as an adult as well.

I worked hard to learn recognize the signs I was getting overstimulated so I could do something before I was "there".  (either to allow me to tone things down, or remove myself before I was too far gone.)  Now - I'm still at the stage where I can be fine being social - but I'm still overstimulated, and the anxiety will start after I leave.  (and I have to take adrenal sups . . . ._)

I found yoga helpful in recognizing the signs my body was throwing off of which I had previously been unaware.

I don't think a person needs to say goodbye to everyone - but at a hosted event, I think it's polite to say goodbye to the host. Especially if it's before the birthday cake . . . . 

[Terabith]

8 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

Are you saying it's because my grandmother was from the midwest she would do this?  (on phone calls too).  Drove me nuts.  Is arriving a couple hours early also a midwest thing?

 

[Grace Hopper]

I just realized that a lot of us on this thread are giving reasons (defense?) why we slip out. We’re overstimulated. We’re introverts. We’re shy. We have social anxiety. We’re autistic. 
 

Why do we have to feel like the oddballs?

#normalizequietgoodbyes

Edited October 9, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Jean in Newcastle]

Besides the host, I would say goodbye to my family member. I think that’s  what seems so jarring and even hurtful to the OP.  Especially in the leaving the hotel example. 
 

 

[catz]

I actually think in the context of a large gathering of mixed groups of people where a host might be busy, I don't think it's that weird for people to slip out when they need to leave.  I think people with kids/teens especially don't always allow for the 30 minute typical Midwest exit.  LOL.  I do think it can be an anxiety or by a non-neurotypical person too.  If I do leave a situation, I often drop a note later "sorry we had to run so quickly at the end, but we really enjoyed .... " etc.  

That said at a family gathering like Thanksgiving, I'd expect at least a quick goodbye to the host and your own kids, etc?  

But I don't think you own anyone else's behavior.  I also think if someone asks you about it I would have something in my back pocket "I have no idea what that's about, but you should talk to her about it if it bothers you.  Would you mind pass the cheese dip ...."  I think it's easy to think we owe explanations for someone close to us but we don't.  I also think I would equate evasive = no and call her out on it.  "Sounds like that isn't your preference, so let's skip breakfast in the morning."  I think the example of being with someone at hotel and then just bailing in the morning with no word is really odd.  I'd suspect anxiety or something and I'd probably have a conversation about that if I were the one left wondering in a hotel.  

[Ali in OR]

I do think it's strange behavior with family--can't imagine sneaking out in that situation. But other social gatherings are less personal (work group gatherings, spouse's work group gatherings, church gatherings, etc), and if there are a substantial number of people there, just leaving is easiest. I do try to make myself find the host and thank them, but it doesn't come naturally to me.

[gardenmom5]

20 minutes ago, catz said:

I actually think in the context of a large gathering of mixed groups of people where a host might be busy, I don't think it's that weird for people to slip out when they need to leave.  I think people with kids/teens especially don't always allow for the 30 minute typical Midwest exit.  LOL.  I do think it can be an anxiety or by a non-neurotypical person too.  If I do leave a situation, I often drop a note later "sorry we had to run so quickly at the end, but we really enjoyed .... " etc.  

That said at a family gathering like Thanksgiving, I'd expect at least a quick goodbye to the host and your own kids, etc?  

But I don't think you own anyone else's behavior.  I also think if someone asks you about it I would have something in my back pocket "I have no idea what that's about, but you should talk to her about it if it bothers you.  Would you mind pass the cheese dip ...."  I think it's easy to think we owe explanations for someone close to us but we don't.  I also think I would equate evasive = no and call her out on it.  "Sounds like that isn't your preference, so let's skip breakfast in the morning."  I think the example of being with someone at hotel and then just bailing in the morning with no word is really odd.  I'd suspect anxiety or something and I'd probably have a conversation about that if I were the one left wondering in a hotel.  

I'm in the PNW - my grandmother was from the midwest - but I eventually refused to do that "30 minute goodbye".  It's easy to make it no more than a minute or two "thanks for a nice ___, I gotta go.  Have a great time."  end of.  Especially if the host is busy - they're not going to engage in a long drawn out goodbye.

She did it recently at an extended family gathering, and they were unfamiliar with her disappearing, and were just wanting to know if I could give them insight.  I don't feel they were holding me responsible for her disappearing.  She's an adult, and arrived, and left on her own.

4 minutes ago, Ali in OR said:

I do think it's strange behavior with family--can't imagine sneaking out in that situation. But other social gatherings are less personal (work group gatherings, spouse's work group gatherings, church gatherings, etc), and if there are a substantial number of people there, just leaving is easiest. I do try to make myself find the host and thank them, but it doesn't come naturally to me.

generic groups, I'll usually just leave.  If it's at someone's house I might - depending upon circumstances - say goodbye to the host.

[Ting Tang]

9 hours ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

Autistic people have to accommodate a lot of not-Autistic social expectations at most parties.  At the end of the night, when we are the most socially spent, perhaps the not-Autistics can accommodate us, and let us leave how we wish.  

I’m having one of those days. This woman’s mom is my hero, lol! Sometimes I wish I could just leave something I don’t feel is pleasant. My son is likely on the spectrum, and he gets uncomfortable with time in social settings for various reasons. Sound levels and frantic environments are not for him. He will express it to me. I know saying goodbye is polite, but also, if anything….Safety is one reason I might encourage telling someone you’re going home or elsewhere. If even via a text. 

Edited October 9, 2022 by Ting Tang

[Jean in Newcastle]

My reason for leaving most of the time  is that a wall of pain will hit me suddenly. I still manage to say goodbye and thank you to the host or the people I am interacting with at a larger hostless gathering. I don’t think that manners cost me anything. 

[SKL]

Maybe they have some anxiety created by a past good-bye that didn't go well?

Nobody taught this person that you're supposed to say bye to the host and to those you were hanging with?

Didn't feel comfortable interrupting a conversation to say bye, and you couldn't wait for host to be free?  (I'd at least tell someone else to tell host why I left that way.)

Maybe good-byes just get too dragged out every time.  (That totally happens in my family!)  Of course it would be better to find a communicative way to deal with that.

Other possibility is that maybe the person did think she communicated "nope, I'm leaving" in indirect terms, but the message wasn't understood by the hearer.  A lot of people avoid saying "no" but assume you knew they meant "no."

[KungFuPanda]

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

I just realized that a lot of us on this thread are giving reasons (defense?) why we slip out. We’re overstimulated. We’re introverts. We’re shy. We have social anxiety. We’re autistic. 
 

Why do we have to feel like the oddballs?

#normalizequietgoodbyes

I’m neither shy nor introverted. I’m neuro typical. I have no trouble dealing with crowds and parties. I just don’t want to interrupt the flow of everyone else’s fun with an hour long round of farewells. 
 

The real skill cones in when you can get out without a single person noticing. 😁

Edited October 9, 2022 by KungFuPanda

[J-rap]

I'd guess they have some anxiety, are shy or introverted, or are neuro typical.

[Jean in Newcastle]

19 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I’m neither shy nor introverted. I’m neuro typical. I have no trouble dealing with crowds and parties. I just don’t want to interrupt the flow of everyone else’s fun with an hour long round of farewells. 
 

The real skill cones in when you can get out without a single person noticing. 😁

It takes less than thirty seconds to say to the people you are currently talking with,  “I am afraid that I have hit my limit (or need to go home or whatever). Please tell Susie thanks. I see that she’s busy right now and I am going to slip out. “. 

[catz]

7 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

It takes less than thirty seconds to say to the people you are currently talking with,  “I am afraid that I have hit my limit (or need to go home or whatever). Please tell Susie thanks. I see that she’s busy right now and I am going to slip out. “. 

Meh - sometimes it doesn't roll that way for whatever reason.  I am pretty balanced on the intro extrovert scale, but I have found myself in situations where I slip out of a larger gathering.  These aren't one size fits all situations.  Like I can think of parties where I leave a chat because it hit a natural end for whatever reason and my spouse or kid comes up and give some indicator it's time to roll.  Or I look at my watch in the restroom and realize I should have left 10 minutes ago to pick up a teen, etc.  

I mean I certainly have done this if it works timing wise.  I will say goodbye to people if it's natural on the way out.  I don't LIE to get out the door or anything like that.  

I wouldn't do it at a family gathering, we have those folks trained for normal length goodbyes or at an intimate dinner party or something along those lines.  Lots of gatherings here tend to be open house style - come and go as you are able.  Potlucks are common.   Like that seems pretty normal for those types of gatherings to me.  The hotel situation in the OP is really off to me. 

[pinball]

For people who are so hung up on goodbyes:

Your MIL doesn’t say goodbye after your Souper Bowl Sunday party or your May the Fourth Be with You party.

Then what? What do you do? Seethe in silent resentment? Don’t invite her to your Pi(e) Day party?

Or give her a ring the next day and say, “hey, Gladys! Thanks for coming yesterday and bringing your vegan BBQ-Grape Jelly Meatballs!” 

[QueenCat]

I think that as the host, I'd be worried if I couldn't find someone that I didn't realize had left. And then I'd be looking for them, which would take more time than the disruption of them saying good-bye. I have a son on the spectrum and he's been taught to say good-bye when he leaves a place. He's quick about it but knows to do it. I get some of your reasons but still think it's polite to let the host know OR ask someone to let the host know. 

[happi duck]

I think grownups get to do what they want.  As a host I would text "sorry I missed you leaving!  Thanks for coming!'

[lauraw4321]

5 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

I’ve done this more than once. They call it an Irish exit around here, but I really don’t know why. You’re ready to go, but you don’t want to stop the flow of the party or force people to stop their conversations and focus on you. It only seems to work well in large, informal parties with no set end time. 

I referred to it as such initially and was asked to change it. 

[lauraw4321]

3 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Besides the host, I would say goodbye to my family member. I think that’s  what seems so jarring and even hurtful to the OP.  Especially in the leaving the hotel example. 
 

 

This happens when the hosts are family as well. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Easter. 

[lauraw4321]

The most common way this plays out is that I am told goodbye (as her only child) but hosts (in-laws, nieces, whomever) are not. So then I’m the only one who knows of the departure without realizing I’m the only one who knows of the departure. so then when the innocent hostess asks “where’s your mom” I realize my pickle. 
 

She came by today. My middle DD was telling my dad a story when she decided she was ready to go. My dad had to cut her off and leave. 
 

 

 

[lauraw4321]

18 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Other than she clearly wishes to be elsewhere, not dealing with whomever she's had to be dealing with, I don't make anything of it.

So, you mean to say she doesn’t want to be dealing with me? That does make things make sense. 

[Indigo Blue]

I’ll be honest and say I don’t like to be somewhere where I can’t be in control of when I leave. To the nth degree. I feel trapped. I want to go when I am ready to go. My dh will keep talking and talking, and I will inwardly squirm. However, I do know how to have manners and to be patient, letting others enjoy themselves and finish conversations. 
 

Having said this, I can’t understand why your mom does this. It seems not the norm, but there could be a reason for it….or maybe there isn’t? She’s oblivious? Do you have the kind of relationship where you could talk to her about it? At any rate, I can see why this could make you uncomfortable.