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I just need reminding that everything will be okay

Ginevra

By Ginevra,
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Laura Corin

Laura Corin

Posted
Posted (edited)

It's hard. We've gone through something related here. I try to remember, as you say,  that it's a good thing the relationship ended now rather than progressing to having children. Even harder for me is remembering that gift giving is final, whatever the recipient decides to do with the item.  Hugs.

Edited by Laura Corin
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ktgrok

ktgrok

Posted
Posted

Hugs to you, I've never been through this as the parent, but I can only imagine how hard it is - hurting on behalf of your kid AND your own frustrations and pain. 

I HAVE been through this as the kid - and it was REALLY hard. Losing the dog in particular REALLY hurt me and I ended up seriously depressed (other issues there that your DS is likely not dealing with - my ex had mental health issues so I'd been his caregiver as well). I ended up calling my parents and telling them I wanted to come home. Dad drove 9 hours and got me the next day, no questions asked. I just needed my support system. 

I think your son feels like life is out of control, and that all the things he planned for didn't pan out. Actually, I guess maybe some of that is similar to your frustration as far as things not going as you had planned. 

Definitely do NOT ask where the stuff went - he's struggling enough and doesn't need that guilt added on. But, I think you already know that. you are a great mom, and he will get htrough this partly because of your support. Hang in there. 

Just like you told him - things will be much better a year from now. 

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Soror

Soror

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Posted (edited)

It stinks when we can't fix things and they make choices we feel are bad ones. They get to make their own mistakes. It is wonderful he comes to you, although I'm certain hard to bite your tongue.

re: furniture--- I'd be annoyed too. I'd probably not let them have the furniture I picked out for my own house when he'd been out of it for so long and no plans to move back. If I wanted to help with furniture I'd find them something else. Once we left the home our parents only gave us furniture if they were done with it.

eta: I sound rather harsh on the furniture part but don't mean it to be and didn't experience that way. I haven't experienced a break up like that but we did lose all our furniture when we had our house fire--- with 1 kid and 1 just born. They helped us find furniture and gave us whatever wasn't in use but that wasn't much. We made do with stuff from flea markets mostly.

Edited by Soror
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kristin0713

kristin0713

Posted
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Many hugs. It's so hard. I'm not there yet as my kids are 16 and 14 but I feel like this adult kid thing is just around the corner and I'm dreading it a bit TBH. I do agree with Soror about the furniture. I think I would have preferred to help him buy a new mattress and frame (cheap and twin size) and keep what was in my house.  But I think you were probably a bit blindsided by it. Might be a good time to think through how you would handle it if he wanted a bunch of other stuff from the house. Just to protect your own boundaries. Anyway. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It will be ok. 

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teachermom2834

teachermom2834

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Ugh. I’m sorry. Everything will be okay.

No doubt these can be hard ages to navigate both for the young adult and for the parent. It seems like everyone else has it all together because you don’t really want to share the struggles of your adult child because that’s not fair to violate their privacy. Or if you did it’s just “that’s life, break ups happen” which is true but it is still very hard to go through. So not only are you navigating this hard thing but you are really kind of alone in it and pretty helpless because they are adults and what can you do except be there?

When I was pregnant and scared about giving birth I used to walk around the crowded mall and remind myself that all those other people managed to be birthed. When I had teens I started reminding myself that all the adults I knew, even the ones that had bumpy roads, did make it through young adulthood. 
 

But it is hard. My own 22 yo has a lease and a dog and lots of housewares 600 miles away from me with a girlfriend so I have considered all these scenarios. It’s just hard. 

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klmama

klmama

Posted
Posted (edited)

So sorry.  Just remember that whatever you are feeling about this, his feelings are worse.  You can buy another bed and bedding, and the room will look the way you want it to again.  He's had several huge losses that can't be fixed by a trip to the store.

Edited by klmama
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stephanier.1765

stephanier.1765

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Forget-Me-Not said:

((Hugs)) I'm sorry.  Transitioning people to adulthood has been the hardest part of mothering for me. 

It was the hardest part for me too. I remember the first time something like this happened and I was shocked to realize that my parents had likely gone through the same thing, the same feelings and the same desire to fix it all. I had always thought of them as distant and removed from caring about my life at that age but they probably weren't. It's good that he can talk to you. That was another shocking, but in a good way, thing for me was my children talking to me about feelings and hardships. I kept so much of that to myself that it would have been such a comfort to have had my parents listen. I wish now that I had included them in my thoughts and hurts. You are such a good mom.

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catz

catz

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I'm sorry.  As someone who married later and dated several people seriously in my 20's, I don't look at that as wasted time.  That was me getting a stronger sense of self and what I wanted.  It definitely made me pick my partner better than I would have earlier in life.  And there are some stats indicating that is true for many.  

You're a good mom and those early adulthood brain cells are still fusing.  He'll get there but it is hard being a mom at this phase.  I have a college senior and I have NO clue what his next steps will be.  He is welcome to come home.  But also thinking in the back of my head, please don't.  😂

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Guest

Guest

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Posted

@catz I love that reframe and might say that to him if the opportunity arises again. He talked about something that was happening that he didn’t like and it would be great to remind him that making that distinction now paved the way for a better relationship in the future. 

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Grace Hopper

Grace Hopper

Posted
Posted

Oh, lotsa hugs. It is really really hard to parent at this stage, mostly for me the managing of my own emotions and opinions takes heroic effort.  Couple of thoughts…

I would probably also be frustrated about the bedding. However, having some really expensive unexpected needs arise that we have had to help adult kids with…. well, bedding would be in the lower-cost-easily-replaced end of things. I understand you have to erase the check mark next to “room done” - that would frustrate me - but what you gave him has more value to him at the moment. 
 

As for the stuff left behind - those are anchors. If retrieved, he might think of lost love every time he uses an item they once used together. So even though it’s a practical and financial loss, it’s not bad to let stuff go. At that age my sister set up housekeeping with a boyfriend and within the year it turned so toxic she fled with just her clothes. She has said she didn’t want any of the stuff, it was a reminder of things she’d rather forget. So framing it like that might help you not be so frustrated about it. 
 

I don’t know what to say about the dog. That’s probably really painful for him. Very sad. 
 

I’m sorry to share advice if you really just wanted a JAWM. I 100% agree that it hurts to see our kids hurting, no matter the age or stage. 

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Miss Mousie

Miss Mousie

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Posted
5 minutes ago, catz said:

I'm sorry.  As someone who married later and dated several people seriously in my 20's, I don't look at that as wasted time.  That was me getting a stronger sense of self and what I wanted.  It definitely made me pick my partner better than I would have earlier in life.  And there are some stats indicating that is true for many.  

You're a good mom and those early adulthood brain cells are still fusing.  He'll get there but it is hard being a mom at this phase.  I have a college senior and I have NO clue what his next steps will be.  He is welcome to come home.  But also thinking in the back of my head, please don't.  😂

 

Wow, catz, I could have written every word of this....

(especially the last line. LOL)

 

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Miss Mousie

Miss Mousie

Posted
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Quill, I think it's good that he's staying in the college town (as long as he has some kind of job).  I imagine it will be so much easier for him to lean on existing friendships and, possibly, meet a new Someone Special.

And, of course, everything will be OK.  As some boardies have so wisely said, no one is dead or in jail - a good reminder to keep perspective.

Hugs to you!

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Lecka

Lecka

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Posted

I am sorry, too.  I have young adults I care about, though my kids aren’t quite there.  It’s a nail-biter!  It’s only recently that this age seems young and things fraught to me, in a different way than when I was younger myself.  They are so young and don’t have as many life experiences, but are bravely taking steps into the future.

 

To me, the worries about the bed and skillet represent — a vision for the future that is now changed.

 

I have had times when material items were symbolic of a planned future, and a symbol of security/permanence.  I think with kitchen items you think “I’m buying this for the long haul, they will use it for years, it will be part of memories, it will be part of their life.”  That is hard to lose.

 

I have strange but deeply instinctual ideas about furniture.  For example right now I strongly, firmly consider all my kids’ beds “their” beds.  I really do.  But there are desks and dressers I consider “family” desks and dressers. It depends on the circumstances of us getting them and things like that.  

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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, Lecka said:

have had times when material items were symbolic of a planned future, and a symbol of security/permanence.  I think with kitchen items you think “I’m buying this for the long haul, they will use it for years, it will be part of memories, it will be part of their life.”  That is hard to lose.

That’s very accurate. Thank you for understanding that so fully. 

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pinball

pinball

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I have a bit of a different take on these situations.

I consciously open myself to what the person is saying…and keep my mouth closed. In the beginning especially, they don’t need platitudes and talks. They need someone to be open to hear their pain and sit with them as they go thru their shock and grief.

It’s not the time for my 2 cents 

Will everything be OK? Perhaps. But I keep my eyes & ears open because ending relationships at this stage can go south quickly. Less talking on my part gives me a better chance to accurately assess if things are slipping into dangerous territory.

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teachermom2834

teachermom2834

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Stuff like the skillet is the “cost of doing business” of relationships. You when you gave it to him. Him when he broke up with his gf. It just “is”.

I am really frugal and plan purchases but those kind of things don’t get to me a whole lot because they are just the “cost of doing business” emotionally. They serve their purpose for a minute or a decade or whatever. You are eating the cost right now and bearing that burden as a way of supporting your son. Much better for him to eat the cost than to fuss over it and cause any further complication emotionally. It’s just part of the damage. And as someone said before the costs young adults manage to incur can be so high- this is just a (very nice) skillet and that is nothing in the grand scheme of things. The bed would bug me I’m sure but I’m a softie with these big kids and I’d probably let him take it as a literal illustration of his parental soft place to land. Someday he’ll probably look back at this time with more perspective and appreciate how much you were there for him. Or maybe not but you will know. 

Maybe that doesn’t make sense but it is a framework for me. 
 

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Jenny in Florida

Jenny in Florida

Posted
Posted (edited)

Ah, Quill. It is rough watching them navigate and experience this stuff. You may remember that my son was with his previous girlfriend for several years, at least one of which they spent living together in our house. The girlfriend and I were close, and the two of them seemed very much "coupled" . . . until it all fell apart. Both of them sought me out for advice and commiseration. My heart truly broke more than a little. And everything was really messy for a while, both emotionally and in terms of household stuff.

For what it's worth, I completely understand those pangs about the physical items. We gave our son and his ex several joint gifts, including sentimental items I made or personalized for them. It absolutely made me sad to think of those things being abandoned or lost.

However, more than two years later, I believe the split was for the best. Both of them seem happier and more functional -- and better at "adulting" -- nowadays. Both have new partners who seem like better matches. And they are both living in their own places.

My son still reaches out to me regularly for help and advice. The ex-girlfriend checks in now and then and makes sure to invite me when she has a gig. 

It will be okay.

Edited by Jenny in Florida
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sassenach

sassenach

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Posted (edited)

It's so hard to parent young adults. The tears I've cried...the tongue I've bit through. This is definitely not my favorite stage. It's very, very sweet that he's coming to you. This will sting awhile, no doubt, but he'll find his feet.

Edited by sassenach
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Corraleno

Corraleno

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This is absolutely the worst part about parenting adult kids! I've been through it with both kids, although from opposite ends.

Last year the girl DS thought was his best friend and soulmate as well as the love of his life not only dumped him, she did it the night before NCAA Regionals and she told him she'd cheated on him. He was totally destroyed and I wasn't sure he'd make it through that last semester — I think I lost as much sleep over It as he did and I practically held my breath until he made to graduation and came home for the summer. He's in grad school now at the same school and he's still not over it — still struggling with depression and anxiety, made worse by the fact he has to see her every day since they're teammates.

TBH I think the flip side is even worse though — DD is in a relationship that is really really not healthy, he is very manipulative and controlling. She tried to break up with him over Christmas and I was privately singing hallelujah, but then he managed to suck her back in. One of the reasons she gave for getting back with him was that she felt like if they broke up then the 2.5 years they'd been together was a "waste."  I just wanted to scream "Yes! It was! And every minute you spend with him from this point forward is a bigger waste, because you could be using that time to rebuild the self-confidence he stole from you and then finding someone who would treat you with care and respect instead of using you!"  But instead I tried to keep my emotions out of it and talked about the sunk cost fallacy and how it makes no sense to throw good time/energy/money after bad. She's still with him, unfortunately, but at least she's living at home and not under his thumb 24/7 like she was when they lived together. Sigh.

Sending big hugs and lots of commiseration, Quill!

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