Funerals…..does anyone else hate them?

[HomeAgain]

I'm not a fan of funerals.  I understand why they're done, but I'm just not a fan.  I appreciate the gathering aspect, though.

I really like what my late neighbor planned after his death.  Instead of a funeral service, there was a celebration of his life.  His favorite foods were made, people gathered in his backyard, posters of his work were on display.  It was lowkey and honored him instead of simply mourning him. His actual burial was quiet and not publicized.

Dh wants a bbq for his send off.  I have no desire for anything. but will leave it in my family's hands to decide how they want to handle that task.  There will be a memorial stone in the backyard near my garden, but that is my only request.

[Pawz4me]

14 hours ago, Frances said:

Do some people only do a funeral? As I stated upthread, my only experience with funerals is Catholic ones and they always have wakes too. So I’ve been to way more wakes than funerals, as we only missed school or work for the funerals of very close relatives. Otherwise, we went to the wake the evening before. So I could understand hating funerals more if that was the only option to show your respects and talk to the family. At least here, memorial services or some other type of gathering like the one we are going to tomorrow at a park seem far, far more common than funerals. I’m guessing it’s both regional and religion/denomination dependent.

The tradition here for Protestants used to almost always include a visitation at the funeral home the night before the funeral. Typically the visitation would last two or three hours, with the immediate family standing in a receiving line the entire time. People would come for the visitation or the funeral, but it was common to attend both. That still happens a lot, but in recent years it has become just as common for the visitation to occur an hour or two prior to the funeral service. So it can be either at a funeral home, with the visitation occurring in a room and then moving to the chapel for the service, or the entire thing can be done at a church. People can come for the visitation and not stay for the funeral service, or they can come to the visitation and stay for the service.

Edited September 11, 2022 by Pawz4me

[fairfarmhand]

I hate them too. Especially hate viewings. No thank you, give me a closed casket please. 
 

it’s common here for there to be a viewing a day or 2 before the funeral. This can last for 3 to 6 hours. Then there’s often another viewing a few hours before the funeral. Then the funeral. Then the burial. Then there’s often a meal at a church. This is grueling for the family. I’ve informed my children to not do that to themselves.
 

i would rather do a funeral than a viewing. 

I want a weenie roast. I want people sharing stories.  No viewing. A simple ole family only burial service. I do not want to be embalmed. We have a Cemetary on our farm. Chuck me in the ground and plant a tree on top of me. The end. 

[Ottakee]

I appreciate all of the responses.  Such varied wishes and some good things to think about.

[KrissiK]

11 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Me too.  I don’t exactly like funerals but I need them. 

 

And I would be very sad if no one cried or was sad when I died.  I mean, limits of course…..but yes mourn me, be sad, miss me…..while you remember me with fondness and laughter ( I hope). 

I think they are very necessary, however they look. It’s not so much the style but the substance. I think it’s important that we has humans have milestones, markers, something that mark our passage through life. Otherwise we are here and then we’re not.  Major events - birth, marriage, death, should have some sort of significance and attention called to it.

 

Edited September 11, 2022 by KrissiK

[Bootsie]

For those who say that they prefer a "celebration of life" over a "funeral", what do you see as the difference between the two?  Locally I have noticed that people tend to use the term "celebration of life" more often.  When my dad died, my mom was very particular that we had a "celebration of life"--we had visitation at the funeral home, a service at the church, and then burial.   The only thing really different was that the front of the bulletin and the words "Celebration of Life" rather than "Funeral".  We sang hymns, scripture was read, there were prayers, the minister delivered a sermon, there was an open casket--but my mom didn't wear black (which would have been very unusual because I don't think my mom owns anything black.)  There seemed to be some negative connotation with "funeral" but what we had would be what I would call a funeral. 

[Brittany1116]

Returning to add, the most memorable funeral I attended was one of a dear church lady who was known for her cooking. Her husband brought the bulk of her cookbooks and encouraged anyone who would like to choose a book or two to keep. She had already given me one of her favorites long before, as well as one her father wrote, and I chose a third to add to my collection. 

[Frances]

43 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

For those who say that they prefer a "celebration of life" over a "funeral", what do you see as the difference between the two?  Locally I have noticed that people tend to use the term "celebration of life" more often.  When my dad died, my mom was very particular that we had a "celebration of life"--we had visitation at the funeral home, a service at the church, and then burial.   The only thing really different was that the front of the bulletin and the words "Celebration of Life" rather than "Funeral".  We sang hymns, scripture was read, there were prayers, the minister delivered a sermon, there was an open casket--but my mom didn't wear black (which would have been very unusual because I don't think my mom owns anything black.)  There seemed to be some negative connotation with "funeral" but what we had would be what I would call a funeral. 

I’ve never been to a non-religious funeral and the majority of celebration of life or memorial services I’ve been to have little or no religious component, especially not one led by a clergy member. The latter also generally had no body, casket, hymns, prayers, etc. Family and friends may have spoken and there was food, and maybe music and some pictures or other mementos, but usually more informal than a set program. Personally, I would call what you describe a funeral, but obviously people are free to use whatever term they like.

[Corraleno]

59 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

For those who say that they prefer a "celebration of life" over a "funeral", what do you see as the difference between the two? 

In my extended family, a celebration of life is held in a private venue rather than a church and is not religious. With the three that I'm familiar with (two in the US and one in the UK), there were lots of photos of the deceased (either printed and displayed or a digital slide show) as well as a display of sentimental objects and mementos that belonged to them. All three had been cremated with no visitation and I don't think the ashes were present at the celebration. The one in the UK was a catered event held in a large tent in a garden, similar to a wedding reception, and the others were held where the person lived (one in his home and one in assisted living). Various people who knew them stood up and told stories about them, and everyone mingled and ate food and reminisced. I avoid funerals but don't mind celebrations of life.

Edited September 11, 2022 by Corraleno

[Annie G]

14 hours ago, Bootsie said:

When people talk about the cost of a funeral, what is being included?  I would consider the cost of things like embalming, a casket, and a cemetery plot as burial costs--which would be incurred if there is a burial whether or not there is a funeral.  

When Mom passed we had her cremated and opted to delay a service (coming up in ten years now- our family excels in avoidance) but the funeral home offered a private viewing before cremation, for a few hundred dollars. 
When my in-laws passed we had a public visitation, which came with a per hour charge, and they said if the family wants a private viewing that would be extra. We ended up just going in the first few minutes of the visitation and shooing guests out at the end so we also had time then alone. Other charges: obituary, death certificates, guest book, thank you notes,programs for the service, transport of the body after death, transport of the body to the veteran’s cemetery. They brought the flowers to the house after the service, incurring a charge. Pianist and hair stylist is a fee. If we wanted to offer bottled water during the visitation there was a fee. I’m not complaining about the fees- they provided a service.  I’m sure there’s a lot of other things that could add to the cost. 
 

[HomeAgain]

52 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

In my extended family, a celebration of life is held in a private venue rather than a church and is not religious. With the three that I'm familiar with (two in the US and one in the UK), there were lots of photos of the deceased (either printed and displayed or a digital slide show) as well as a display of sentimental objects and mementos that belonged to them. All three had been cremated with no visitation and I don't think the ashes were present at the celebration. The one in the UK was a catered event held in a large tent in a garden, similar to a wedding reception, and the others were held where the person lived (one in his home and one in assisted living). Various people who knew them stood up and told stories about them, and everyone mingled and ate food and reminisced. I avoid funerals but don't mind celebrations of life.

This is my interpretation as well.  It is like a subdued party.  Stories are told, memories are shared, but it's not a staged event. There are different aspects of the person on display so that their presence is felt and they are 'seen'.

With a funeral you have the deceased, the lectern, and the audience.  People will get up and talk to the group as a whole from the lectern.  The reception after is more akin to the celebration of life, but different in feeling and intention.

[Pawz4me]

I've known celebration of life to be used as a synonym for both a traditional funeral and as a synonym for memorial service. It seems to mean whatever the user wants it to mean.

[Ottakee]

I updated my google doc that had my funeral wishes on it and sent it to my brother.  Not planning on going anywhere soon but wanted it spelled out that basically have a fun party with good food and let my kids decide what they want to add if anything.

[Ditto]

23 hours ago, stephanier.1765 said:

I have told everyone in my life that I don't want one. Cremate me. If it helps, you can always spread them in a place you know that I love. That's it an no more.

This is exactly what I told my family.   

Edit:  Almost word for word at that.

Edited September 11, 2022 by Ditto

[Ditto]

22 hours ago, Ottakee said:

But I don’t even like memorial services😔

God no,  I don't either.

[Melissa Louise]

My family don't take me seriously when I say to cremate me and stick me in the worm farm. I'm serious (though not enough to have checked if you can put ash in the worm farm). 

I figure funerals are for the living, so whatever the living want to do is what will happen. I just hope they go low budget. 

 

[Ottakee]

Update….just got a call from my friends husband.  He called to arrange for me to come get the hospital bed and twin bed, bedding and medical supplies I brought for them to use.   He said the service will be in 2 weeks….and I am out of town with my daughter that weekend for her birthday trip.   Laura would have wanted me to adventure instead of cry.   Siesta sad, sorta glad I won’t be there but they are recording it and I can watch later.

I will get the stuff this week and then after his kids go through her belongings he would like some help to box up the rest and donate it, etc.

[fairfarmhand]

5 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

Update….just got a call from my friends husband.  He called to arrange for me to come get the hospital bed and twin bed, bedding and medical supplies I brought for them to use.   He said the service will be in 2 weeks….and I am out of town with my daughter that weekend for her birthday trip.   Laura would have wanted me to adventure instead of cry.   Siesta sad, sorta glad I won’t be there but they are recording it and I can watch later.

I will get the stuff this week and then after his kids go through her belongings he would like some help to box up the rest and donate it, etc.

That's so sad. I know you will be thinking of her, I'm just thinking of the loss overall. It's so jarring that someone can be here one month, and the next month people are boxing up her things. 

 

[Ottakee]

34 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

That's so sad. I know you will be thinking of her, I'm just thinking of the loss overall. It's so jarring that someone can be here one month, and the next month people are boxing up her things. 

 

This was super quick.  10 weeks ago we went hiking 5 miles and kayaked 8 and she felt fine.  Next week was diagnosed and 9 weeks later is gone.

[Jaybee]

I wouldn't say I enjoy funerals, because I don't. But I will say that they have been helpful to me. I lost three of my grandparents by the time I was thirteen, so by then, I knew what to expect. There were people of all ages there, so as children, we became accustomed to the process. When my last grandparent, my grandmother, was bedridden from a series of small strokes, my uncle (her son-in-law) died of cancer on a Monday. Back then, where we lived, it was common for the family to stay at the funeral home to meet with people for at least the day before and the day of the funeral. So Tuesday and Wednesday were taken up with spending lots of time with aunts, uncles, and cousins. Then on Friday of that week, my grandmother died. So Saturday and Sunday, we were also all together. While I saw many people in the family occasionally to every few weeks, I had never had that much time together. I have sweet memories of those hours spent at the funeral home with family, strange as it sounds. We sat around and told stories, laughed and cried together, my little 3yo cousin fell in the fish pond at the funeral home and also went around singing church songs quite loudly and adorably, and the whole thing was very healing. The customs aren't quite the same anymore, and covid changed that even more. Sometimes I think we try to shortchange the corporate grief process and don't give it value. In part, that could be due to work culture and the demand for people to get back to work. I also realize that I come from a healthy family culture that makes corporate grieving a supportive healing environment.

When my father died, I knew my mother wanted me to speak at his funeral. I have several siblings, but I am the one more accustomed to public speaking, and she said that I was the one who "can talk through your tears; the rest of us choke up and can't get anything out." We had a couple of weeks warning, and at first, I told her I couldn't. But after he died, I told her that I had decided I wanted to after all. It was hard, but it was important for me to say what I wanted to say on behalf of my family.

In recent years, I have been to several funerals of casual friends. Even for those, hearing stories told in the service has been heartwarming. Sadly, due to our living far from family and to some other circumstances, I was unable to attend the funerals of my FIL and MIL. I was there at the hospital when MIL was expected to die, but had to return home before she actually did. I wish I had been able to be with dh and other family members during that time.

For me, personally, I don't like attention very much, and would prefer a very low-key goodbye. We have also moved a lot, so friends are scattered far and wide--it's not like we've lived in the same place for years and have a strong base here. I am fine with cremation, mostly because of the cost. (If we had a family cemetery, like @fairfarmhand, that would be my preference over embalmment and a public cemetery, but we don't.) However, after MIL died last year, dh said that it helped him to see her. So it's really up to my family. Dh and I have talked through various scenarios, but haven't put anything down on paper because lots of the details depend on variables that we can't determine at this point. We know it would help our kids, but there are quite a few things that could change in the next few years that would affect decisions.

[happi duck]

I'm torn.  I've seen them be helpful and I've seen them be hurtful.

Hurtful: When my dad died my siblings took over and they ignored his wishes completely.  I will always be bothered by that.

Helpful:  When my second sister died I was her person so was the "hostess" of sorts and spoke to everyone.  I met so many people who loved my sister.  It was really helpful at a time of shocking loss.  I appreciate those who attended.

The rest fall between these extremes.

 

[Kassia]

@happi duck I'm sorry that your father's wishes were ignored.  That happened with my aunt and it always bothered me too.  I just feel like it was her final wish and it would have been easy to fulfill but someone did what was most convenient for them instead and it was too late to fix.  

[Grace Hopper]

On 9/10/2022 at 3:16 PM, Ottakee said:

I hate going to funerals.  Seriously.  Not just dislike, but really, really don’t like going.  Much of it is because I am a blubbering mess the entire time.

I have been to many, many funerals from great grandma to murdered brother in law, to my father and grandparents,  to a cousin who had not yet passed away, and lots of others.   I just don’t like them……at all.

 

in fact, other than wanting the gospel message shared one last time with a few friends of mine, I would prefer that there not be a funeral for me when the time comes.   Instead have a potluck, hymn sing, open house style get together outside at a park if the weather is decent.   So much cheaper, fits what I like, and avoids the whole formal funeral thing.

I love your send-off idea and would like the same kind of thing. Mostly I don’t want anything that my kids would find awful/offensive, because they’re the ones most likely to have to endure the day. After burying both parents, I feel like something to mark the occasion brings important sort of closure, but it definitely doesn’t have to be somber and overpriced and filled with many frivolous details. I mean no disrespect to  those who prefer the formality, but that’s not the memory I prefer to leave them with. 

[Elizabeth86]

On 9/10/2022 at 4:16 PM, Ottakee said:

I hate going to funerals.  Seriously.  Not just dislike, but really, really don’t like going.  Much of it is because I am a blubbering mess the entire time.

I have been to many, many funerals from great grandma to murdered brother in law, to my father and grandparents,  to a cousin who had not yet passed away, and lots of others.   I just don’t like them……at all.

 

in fact, other than wanting the gospel message shared one last time with a few friends of mine, I would prefer that there not be a funeral for me when the time comes.   Instead have a potluck, hymn sing, open house style get together outside at a park if the weather is decent.   So much cheaper, fits what I like, and avoids the whole formal funeral thing.

Yes!! I hate them and I hate even more the waste associated with them. I’ve seen 4 funerals in 2021 and they were all $10,000+. It’s disgusting to spend money like that in my mind. I told my mom and dh I will come back and haunt them if they waste that kind of money to dispose of me. We live very frugally. Just being 💯 honest! our house is very very small and inexpensive. I drive an 18 year old van with 200,000 plus miles on it, it looks terrible, but we paid like $6,000 for it 10 years ago. I buy my clothes at the goodwill. You get the picture. If we are spending $10,000 on me, I was an awesome vacation or something I can enjoy while I’m here! I’ve honestly been looking into donating my body to a medical college. My grandmother in law did!  I just hope my closest (dh, parents and children) can see me once before because my brother died and we couldn’t see him and it was in 2013 and I honestly sometimes have a hard time believing he truly died.
I suggest for my family meet somewhere I loved in life such as a state park, look at pictures and reminisce. Just please don’t waste $10,000 on me.

Edited September 24, 2022 by Elizabeth86

[Grace Hopper]

On 9/10/2022 at 6:36 PM, kbutton said:

I think the New Orleans jazz music is a specifically New Orleans funeral tradition. 

It’s definitely a NOLA tradition, and once was reserved for members of the jazz musicians’ community, or notable patrons. If it had to be connected to a particular denomination/church type, I’d say it’s neither Catholic nor Methodist, but rather the black Christian church.   People have probably adopted this tradition because it’s so neat, but also because (especially after Katrina) people from New Orleans relocate but still have a love for the culture. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

{{Otakee}}  I'm so sorry for your loss.  

I don't love funerals, but I do get a sense of closure with them.  But mostly, I go to support the family.

Growing up Catholic in the Midwest, I never experienced "somber" funerals.  With family spread around the country, funerals have been a chance to see family, long-time friends that you haven't seen in a while.  So the reunion is usually mixed joy and sadness.  While I'm not crazy about the open casket tradition at the visitation, the focus is more on talking with the immediate family of the deceased, offering condolences, sharing memories, etc.  If the deceased doesn't have a lot of living family/friends, the visitation may be just for an hour or two before the Mass, otherwise, it may be several hours the day before the funeral.  

For my great Aunt, who lived to 104 years, the mass had her favorite readings, hymns, etc.  The church only allowed approved music.  However, as we processed out, the organist added "I Could Have Danced All Night", my aunt's favorite song.  We all broke out in song, laughing on our way out.  

Most of the ones I have attended had a luncheon afterwards - either at the church or at a local restaurant.  These are often a chance to reconnect with family and friends.  People often continue socializing afterwards - either at someone's house or at a bar.  Growing up, I always thought these were a celebration of the person's life.  (My mom called them "Irish funerals.")  

I don't want an open casket, but I do like the rituals of gathering.  

[Zinnia2]

I like funerals.  Where I live, we generally do visitation the hour or two before the funeral, then the funeral (usually 30-60 min), then there is a graveside service for family and close friends.  Family eats a meal together afterwards.

I think it gives a nice way to see everyone in person, and there is something about it that is closure to me.  But I get that they aren't for everyone.  My mother in law didn't have a funeral for my FIL because of Covid, and she was super relieved and isn't planning on one now.  But when she passes away, I'd like to be able to have one for her.  

[TexasProud]

2 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Yes!! I hate them and I hate even more the waste associated with them. I’ve seen 4 funerals in 2021 and they were all $10,000+. It’s disgusting to spend money like that in my mind. I told my mom and dh I will come back and haunt them if they waste that kind of money to dispose of me. We live very frugally. Just being 💯 honest! our house is very very small and inexpensive. I drive an 18 year old van with 200,000 plus miles on it, it looks terrible, but we paid like $6,000 for it 10 years ago. I buy my clothes at the goodwill. You get the picture. If we are spending $10,000 on me, I was an awesome vacation or something I can enjoy while I’m here! I’ve honestly been looking into donating my body to a medical college. My grandmother in law did!  I just hope my closest (dh, parents and children) can see me once before because my brother died and we couldn’t see him and it was in 2013 and I honestly sometimes have a hard time believing he truly died.
I suggest for my family meet somewhere I loved in life such as a state park, look at pictures and reminisce. Just please don’t waste $10,000 on me.

Honestly, I don't see how you can do one for under 5,000 anymore.  I mean, you have to do something with the body. Mom wanted to be cremated. It cost nearly 3,000 to do that. We didn't get any kind of urn or anything, just a "free" box. We spent 1,000 on flowers: just two sprays: one for kids and one for grandkids.  My step dad, spent another 500 on one. There were two other small arrangements that my mother in law and my sister-in law's family sent. It was perfect.  We paid the church 350 to use the small chapel and 250 for the small reception hall next to it. (Now if mom had been a member there, it would have been free)  We didn't decorate the reception hall and had no food. Well, we did have a tv that showed a video I made of her life and then a table with all of her fire department memorabilia/pictures. I paid 150 for the musician and 350 for the preacher.  It was a very simple service.  The fire department honor guard and the bagpiper wouldn't take payment.  

It is important for people to be able to say goodbye ( which is why on second thought we rented the fellowship hall. There was no visitation, so this was a time for the community to say things to my step-dad and to her children. Their house is way too small to accommodate the people.) It adds a sense of closure.  All they did for my uncle was a party at my cousin's house and it just didn't feel right. No closure.  But that is me. And yes, I am VERY frugal. We also drive 20 year old cars. Lived in the same house and paid it off MANY years ago. Our vacations of choice are camping. So yeah, I get it. But I don't think we "wasted" the money. I hate funerals, but they are necessary.

Edited September 24, 2022 by TexasProud

[Elizabeth86]

10 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Honestly, I don't see how you can do one for under 5,000 anymore.  I mean, you have to do something with the body. Mom wanted to be cremated. It cost nearly 3,000 to do that. We didn't get any kind of urn or anything, just a "free" box. We spent 1,000 on flowers: just two sprays: one for kids and one for grandkids.  My step dad, spent another 500 on one. There were two other small arrangements that my mother in law and my sister-in law's family sent. It was perfect.  We paid the church 350 to use the small chapel and 250 for the small reception hall next to it. (Now if mom had been a member there, it would have been free)  We didn't decorate the reception hall and had no food. Well, we did have a tv that showed a video I made of her life and then a table with all of her fire department memorabilia/pictures. I paid 150 for the musician and 350 for the preacher.  It was a very simple service.  The fire department honor guard and the bagpiper wouldn't take payment.  

It is important for people to be able to say goodbye ( which is why on second thought we rented the fellowship hall. There was no visitation, so this was a time for the community to say things to my step-dad and to her children. Their house is way too small to accommodate the people.) It adds a sense of closure.  All they did for my uncle was a party at my cousin's house and it just didn't feel right. No closure.  But that is me. And yes, I am VERY frugal. We also drive 20 year old cars. Lived in the same house and paid it off MANY years ago. Our vacations of choice are camping. So yeah, I get it. But I don't think we "wasted" the money. I hate funerals, but they are necessary.

That’s why I am thinking of having my body donated.

[Ottakee]

@TexasProud I did direct cremation for several family members and it was about $1500.  For one we rented the park $35, got flowers from a large local nursery for $100 and had chicken and subs from Walmart.  Family brought in additional side dishes.  We did pay the pastor and musician was a family member so no payment.  We bought an urn from Amazon that was very fitting …purple butterflies.. for under $100.

even renting a larger indoor park/hall would have been $150 or so.

i loved those services….well, as much as I could love a funeral since I hate them

we did not use a funeral home at all.  I called crematorium and they picked up the body.  I wrote the obituaries.  I made all the arrangements, etc.  Yes, it was some work but doable and saved thousands of dollars.

Edited September 24, 2022 by Ottakee

[Kassia]

13 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

That’s why I am thinking of having my body donated.

I would like to do this too.  

Have you read Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers?  I read it a while ago and it discussed the different things that are done with donated bodies.  

[TexasProud]

12 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

@TexasProud I did direct cremation for several family members and it was about $1500.  For one we rented the park $35, got flowers from a large local nursery for $100 and had chicken and subs from Walmart.  Family brought in additional side dishes.  We did pay the pastor and musician was a family member so no payment.  We bought an urn from Amazon that was very fitting …purple butterflies.. for under $100.

even renting a larger indoor park/hall would have been $150 or so.

i loved those services….well, as much as I could love a funeral since I hate them

we did not use a funeral home at all.  I called crematorium and they picked up the body.  I wrote the obituaries.  I made all the arrangements, etc.  Yes, it was some work but doable and saved thousands of dollars.

That wasn't possible in our situation. Oh yeah, I wrote the obit... Still cost 1,000 for my step-dad to run it in the paper.  ( Yeah, I would have skipped that.) But no, what you described would not have worked. Nothing is that cheap there. 

[TexasProud]

I did the best I could as cheaply as I could. PLEASE DO NOT CRITICIZE ME.

[Elizabeth86]

21 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

@TexasProud I did direct cremation for several family members and it was about $1500.  For one we rented the park $35, got flowers from a large local nursery for $100 and had chicken and subs from Walmart.  Family brought in additional side dishes.  We did pay the pastor and musician was a family member so no payment.  We bought an urn from Amazon that was very fitting …purple butterflies.. for under $100.

even renting a larger indoor park/hall would have been $150 or so.

i loved those services….well, as much as I could love a funeral since I hate them

we did not use a funeral home at all.  I called crematorium and they picked up the body.  I wrote the obituaries.  I made all the arrangements, etc.  Yes, it was some work but doable and saved thousands of dollars.

Good I information!

[Elizabeth86]

8 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I would like to do this too.  

Have you read Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers?  I read it a while ago and it discussed the different things that are done with donated bodies.  

I have not. I just felt inspired to do so when dh’s grandma chose that. 

[Grace Hopper]

49 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

@TexasProud I did direct cremation for several family members and it was about $1500.  For one we rented the park $35, got flowers from a large local nursery for $100 and had chicken and subs from Walmart.  Family brought in additional side dishes.  We did pay the pastor and musician was a family member so no payment.  We bought an urn from Amazon that was very fitting …purple butterflies.. for under $100.

even renting a larger indoor park/hall would have been $150 or so.

i loved those services….well, as much as I could love a funeral since I hate them

we did not use a funeral home at all.  I called crematorium and they picked up the body.  I wrote the obituaries.  I made all the arrangements, etc.  Yes, it was some work but doable and saved thousands of dollars.

We also did one cremation for appx $1300. And a nice box for burial for about $150. The plot was prepaid but not required, ashes could have been scattered or buried on family property. 

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I did the best I could as cheaply as I could. PLEASE DO NOT CRITICIZE ME.

Um, no one criticized you.

But your statement about the cost of cremation, given your experience, that it could not possibly be done for below a certain cost, is not absolutely true for everyone. Others simply added to the discussion by sharing their own first hand experiences, which were different than yours. 
 

No one said you did anything bad or wrong.
 

I just wanted to share that we were able to do it at a lower cost, which could be helpful information for those in the planning process. 

Edited September 25, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[TexasProud]

Well one poster thinks what other relatives and what I did WHEN IT WAS WHAT MY MOM WANTED was a horrible waste. So yeah, that is judging. I used the funeral home she wanted and did everything according to her wishes. That is what it cost. Medical science didn't want her body. Not all of us can do that. Plus SHE wanted her ashes to be mixed with my step-dad ( when he dies) and thrown at the top of a mountain. I thought doing what she wanted was more important than pinching pennies. 

[Pawz4me]

I don't know if it's true, but I've read that it's not always possible to donate a body. Apparently because it's a struggle for many people to cover even the cost of a direct cremation there are more bodies available for donation than can be accepted in many places.

[Ottakee]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Well one poster thinks what other relatives and what I did WHEN IT WAS WHAT MY MOM WANTED was a horrible waste. So yeah, that is judging. I used the funeral home she wanted and did everything according to her wishes. That is what it cost. Medical science didn't want her body. Not all of us can do that. Plus SHE wanted her ashes to be mixed with my step-dad ( when he dies) and thrown at the top of a mountain. I thought doing what she wanted was more important than pinching pennies. 

I did not mean to criticize you at all.  I think the key is doing what your loved one wanted and honoring them that way. 
 

my dear friend that recently passed away had a large 90 minute service and meal following at church as that is what her and her family wanted.
 

I don’t think there is a right or a wrong way to do it, just that I don’t want a big formal funeral and the expense when I die.

[Hannah]

I'm so sorry for your loss Ottakee.  May your happy memories of your adventures with her comfort you. 

[Hannah]

On 9/11/2022 at 7:11 PM, Corraleno said:

In my extended family, a celebration of life is held in a private venue rather than a church and is not religious. 

That is my understanding as well.  A funeral is in a church and a celebration of life is non-religious.

I was recently at a funeral where the minister did not actually know the deceased as the one who did know here had passed.  He took the opportunity to preach fire and brimstone and said nothing about her life as a wonderful teacher.  None of her colleagues, friends or students were called to say anything either.  It was a truly horrible experience.

 

[TexasProud]

4 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

I did not mean to criticize you at all.  I think the key is doing what your loved one wanted and honoring them that way. 
 

my dear friend that recently passed away had a large 90 minute service and meal following at church as that is what her and her family wanted.
 

I don’t think there is a right or a wrong way to do it, just that I don’t want a big formal funeral and the expense when I die.

That I can handle. It wasn't so much you as another poster who was appalled at the expense. Very judgmental.  I just don't want people to imply I wasted money and did it wrong.  I don't care what anyone else does. I just don't want to ever do anything wrong. EVER. So I need to know what I did was ok.

[TexasProud]

Oh, and in a book I just read, which my cousin sent me, but I didn't really care for: 

https://www.amazon.com/Beauty-What-Remains-Greatest-Becomes/dp/0593187555

He said that a funeral has a body and a memorial service doesn't.  So I guess since we didn't have a body at her service, it was a memorial service. (It took over a week to get the permit to get her cremated. 

My cousin said this is the only book that comforted her, so I put it here for others. I just didn't find him helpful AT ALL.

[Tanaqui]

Quote

 

Instead have a potluck, hymn sing, open house style get together outside at a park if the weather is decent.   So much cheaper, fits what I like, and avoids the whole formal funeral thing.

 

 

That's what we did this weekend for my mother, and it was... well, not "fun", exactly, but enjoyable and what she would have wanted. We did that so much with her before the pandemic.

[Tanaqui]

TexasProud, I don't think anybody meant to judge you. They may have just chosen their words poorly. I'm glad you had the resources to do what your mother wanted for her own funeral, that must have been a huge relief.

[Ottakee]

4 hours ago, TexasProud said:

That I can handle. It wasn't so much you as another poster who was appalled at the expense. Very judgmental.  I just don't want people to imply I wasted money and did it wrong.  I don't care what anyone else does. I just don't want to ever do anything wrong. EVER. So I need to know what I did was ok.

If you honored your loved one they way they wanted and you wanted them it is more than ok….it was the right way to do things.

[Ottakee]

1 hour ago, Tanaqui said:

 

That's what we did this weekend for my mother, and it was... well, not "fun", exactly, but enjoyable and what she would have wanted. We did that so much with her before the pandemic.

Sorry for your loss.   But it sounds like this very much fit your mother and family memories.

[Tanaqui]

45 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

Sorry for your loss.   But it sounds like this very much fit your mother and family memories.

Oh yes. That woman never stopped talking, and loved to always be the center of attention. I only wish we'd been able to meet up like this more over the past 30 months, because she missed out by not being at her own party!

[maize]

I have mostly enjoyed the funerals I have been to. It depends of course on the circumstances of death--an early or unexpected death is much harder to cope with emotionally.

Funerals in my religious tradition are rarely somber. They revolve mostly around sharing memories of the departed, music, and a hopeful gospel message. You don't see a lot of people dressed in black.