Mid Life Crisis Ideas

[NewIma]

13 hours ago, Ottakee said:

I have done a lot in the past few years.

i added some pod casts that make me think deeply.

i took up mountain biking….in my case it is mostly riding a mountain bike through easy wooded trails with just a few small hills, but it is fun.

i have taken up hiking and even backpacking.   There is something g powerful about time out on nature and carrying everything you need to survive for a few days on your back.   This weekend 2 friends and I hiked 18 miles on 24 hours and only passed ONE person that entire time….on a holiday weekend.

I started DDPY yoga just over 2 years ago and lost 50 pounds and have kept it off.   Great for strength and balance and so doable and easy to modify has needed.

I am doing a 1000 hours outside and 1000 miles outside challenge.   I completed both last year.  This year I am not as far along but it is still a great challenge…..even do 100 hours or miles and enjoy the memories.

i am trying to connect with people I care about on a more regular basis….from watching my son’s bio brothers boys once a month over night to visiting a 90 year old friend to chatting with overseas friends on line.

I am working on downsizing my house and wardrobe and keeping just what I love and use.  When I need something I am trying to buy stuff I love that is quality and not just something to get by with.  For example 3 pairs of jeans that I love vs 6 pair that are just OK.    And right now my favorites are the Walmart brand so it doesn’t have to be expensive.

i am working on Duolingo to learn more Spanish to be able to even converse a tiny bit with many in my community.

and as to a tattoo….I am wanting to get a very small butterfly one.   

 

Thanks for sharing this wonderful list! I love how you are prioritizing being outdoors and connecting with those you love. Wonderful!

[NewIma]

12 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

Do what makes you happy and has you feel life.

Things I have done in the past 5 years:

-cut off my hair

-traveled

-learned a new skill (and then another, and another..)

-went back to school

-volunteered

-tried a LOT of new foods (food subscription services are good for this!)

-took up a new exercise

-climbed mountains

-instituted new traditions

-wrote

You just have to find what might bring you joy, even in a little way.

Love this! Any food subscriptions you have particularly enjoyed?

[NewIma]

12 hours ago, Bootsie said:

It sounds counterintuitive, but I have also found returning to something from my youth can be invigorating--taking ballet classes again, doing a crochet project that my grandmother taught me as a child, re-reading a novel I enjoyed in my early 20's, cooking my grandmother's cake that I haven't eaten in years...  It can be a way of recapturing joy, remembering what types of things brought happiness before life was so busy, while at the same time providing a reminder of how much I have grown and changed.

How true is that! I am rereading The Secret Garden to my youngest right now, and it brings me such pure joy! 

[NewIma]

11 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Honestly, it doesn't matter what you plan. Life circumstances will prevent it. I used to think empty nest would be such an exciting, adventurous time. No. Taking care of parents with health issues, spouse with health issues, pandemics, hundreds of our children and other innocents being gunned down.  I am tired of fighting for fun and adventure. I am still doing it, but the lighthearted play I thought would be there, just isn't.  Whenever, I relax and do something fun, the other shoe falls. I can never ever let my guard down. 

Make the list. Just know. It won't change anything. 

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. We've been stuck too for a long time dealing with my dd's mental health struggles. Sending good thoughts your way. 

[Ottakee]

18 minutes ago, NewIma said:

Thanks for sharing this wonderful list! I love how you are prioritizing being outdoors and connecting with those you love. Wonderful!

Outdoors is very calming for me and most of what I do is free or low coat

 

[katilac]

20 hours ago, Scarlett said:

How old are you?

I am going to zip line on vacation in July 

My mom went on a 2-hour zip line adventure when she was 70 (there's a series of ziplines in the forest and you walk to one, zip, walk to the next one, etc.). 

11 hours ago, TexasProud said:

 Make the list. Just know. It won't change anything. 

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. That's not true for everyone, though. And then you have weird people like me where planning things is half the fun, so I'd still get enjoyment if my plans didn't happen!

3 hours ago, smfmommy said:

I haven't read all the replies and don't have suggestions.  BUT I do have an encouraging example.  My mother got her master's in psychiatric nursing (so she could start a new career in teaching), visited Africa 5 times, taught in Vietnam for a month, and went to Venezuela.  All after turning 50.  

Damn. Give your mom a high five for me. 

OP, check out local groups for ideas as well. Just scan the listings on Meetup.com and your regional libraries. You might find something you would never have thought of. 

[Emba]

Someone mentioned martial arts - that would be fun to. I took taekwondo for a few months and loved it. But I twisted my ankle badly and decided it wasn’t worth the risk of that happening again. 😞

i would like to take voice lessons, as well.

 

[NewIma]

9 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

Contemplate divorce.  Seriously.  If the marriage is good, that’s great.  If it isn’t, it’s time to change that.  And if it’s abusive, you are never too old to live free.  It’s also not too late to decide to love each other again.

Plan for your interests just like you do for the kids extracurriculars.

Make your home a haven for you

travel with girlfriends at least once a year at least once state away or further for a week

walk more

swim more (learn scuba diving. I’ve only ever met one scuba diver I didn’t like)

worry less (always a challenge!)

Daily mass is a balm to the soul few in the world can avail themselves of - don’t squander the chance.

Tap into all kinds of feeds to see what’s going on around your town state or wherever. And if it’s something you can do - just go do it.  It doesn’t have to be big to be great fun and good memories. Maybe it’s a tourist site maybe it’s a painting glass. Last month I discovered I can take free stained glass classes locally. Who knew?! 

I love the idea of making my home a haven, and daily mass! I actually was confirmed on Mother's Day in the Episcopal Church (20+ years after I took Confirmation classes!). Our church has a short service with communion on Wednesdays, and that might be a wonderful thing to add to my schedule. 

And free stained glass classes?!?!?!?! How cool!!! Please share a pic once you make a project!

 

[NewIma]

4 hours ago, smfmommy said:

I haven't read all the replies and don't have suggestions.  BUT I do have an encouraging example.  My mother got her master's in psychiatric nursing (so she could start a new career in teaching), visited Africa 5 times, taught in Vietnam for a month, and went to Venezuela.  All after turning 50.  

 

 

What an amazing woman!!! Thank you for sharing!!

[NewIma]

1 hour ago, elegantlion said:

I started college in my 40s, more as a response to real crisis (super messy divorce) rather than mid life. A decade later, I'm still in school, getting my PhD in medieval English history. I have no idea what kind of job I'll have when I graduate. It won't be teaching (that was never my goal). I'm toying with some ideas, and now that I have time to breathe this summer, I'm exploring some. I don't necessarily recommend this path, lol. 

In the process of schooling and being able to invest in myself for the first time since I was a teenager has been weird and gratifying. Along the way, I've picked up some other interests: 

• learning languages - most of these are long-term goals, but along the way I've learned Latin and French (albeit badly). I've studied a smattering of Old Norse, Old English, Anglo-Norman French. 
• Music - I had just bought a guitar when I got divorced then I had to sell it to pay the bills. I recently bought a new one and started again. I also have a keyboard that I use mostly for stress relief playing. 
• punching bag - it's not set up right now but that has been great for stress relief and cardio. 

Most of my adventures are more for the mind as my budget is small and I have some health issues that limit my outdoor activities. I'm in my mid 50s now and really feel like I'm just living another life. 

Medieval English History sounds absolutely fascinating!  My mom homeschooled us and then went to college to become an RN. It feels like she has had two different lives too-both super fulfilling and interesting!

 

[NewIma]

5 hours ago, regentrude said:

One more thought, as I have wrestled extensively with the midlife issues in the recent past years:

One message middle-aged women are often hearing from media (and the self-help-book industry that thrives on this clientele being miserable) is to delve deep into our psyches to "find" ourselves, spend time journaling and introspecting, discover "purpose" and "meaning". I found that this kept me just in a state of being miserable and depressed. For me, the key to a fulfilled mid-life was to just do the things that bring me joy, without worrying over the meaning and purpose of life. The rest will follow just fine.
I find the culture of excessive navel-gazing to be detrimental to psychological well-being. 

Do things that bring you joy. That about sums it up! Thank you

[carriede]

My 13 yo just rode a dirt bike for the first time. He loved it and will probably do more in the future (it's his uncle's).

In related news, I'm 37 and just rode a dirt bike for the first time, so there's that.

Thanks for starting this thread, it's helpful.

Edited June 1, 2022 by carriede
grammar

[Spryte]

3 hours ago, NewIma said:

I've started doing a little of this too! Trying to add some healthier habits, and starting to wear earrings and mascara every day. It feels really nice. Care to share some links for what you mean by niche perfumes! That sounds intriguing!  

This is my favorite source, at the moment: https://www.olfactif.com/

I was never a perfume person, but this has been really fun and personal — and not headache inducing like department store type stuff. I don’t order a monthly box, but choose collections based on my own preferences.

 

 

[klmama]

3 hours ago, Emba said:

Someone mentioned martial arts - that would be fun to. I took taekwondo for a few months and loved it. But I twisted my ankle badly and decided it wasn’t worth the risk of that happening again. 😞

i would like to take voice lessons, as well.

 

I've thought about taking tai chi.  I used to study tae kwon do, but my joints kept getting injured.  

[Soror]

I always love reading along to these. I went through a bit if a quarter life crisis in my late 30s. Starting going weekly to the city for aerial classes. Then I did yoga teacher training and children's yoga training. I'd had YTT on my to do list before kids but didn't get it done. 

And then life got crazy. Fils cancer and death. Dh back to college. Some kids to PS. Me back to a PT at home job, first time since first kid. Then kid stresses one after another. I was obsessed with trying to figure out what I wanted to do after kids graduate or go to school but now I am planning for a slower year focused on family and relationships (covid was rough for friendships between lockdowns and family stress). I want to do more flower gardening. Maybe we'll finally get chickens. 

At this point, I'm not sure if I'll get a job even if the younger 2 go to school. I think I'll wait until dh finishes college in 2 years. So I'll read along now to store away thoughts, ideas, and inspiration. Maybe I'll retrain in another area. Go back to school. Pick a random job. Idk!

[bookbard]

3 hours ago, klmama said:

I've thought about taking tai chi.  I used to study tae kwon do, but my joints kept getting injured.  

I did Tai Chi for a bit (before Covid) and it was great. So relaxing and actually it was a good workout if you do it properly, a couple of people wore weights to get even more out of it. I want to get back into it when I can. 

I'd aim at experiences rather than achievements - you can't guarantee your fabulous novel will get published, but you can experience writing it. You can't guarantee you'll lose weight/gain weight, but you can enjoy learning a new sport/exercise. 

[Eos]

Also listening.  Yesterday youngest got her license, one more step on the path to me retiring from homeschooling.  This year's goal thread with @Granny_Weatherwaxhas helped me do some goal setting month by month which has been great.  But yesterday when she drove away for a celebratory solo flight, the realization of the bigger picture sank in a little more.  I've recently been beating myself up for all the things I didn't do and never will as well as all the stupid things I've done during these last 35 years.  I'm hoping this is a transitional stage and those thoughts will start to fade. 

 

[Guest]

19 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

I think low expectations are key to happiness.  I have no expectations that what I do will change anything for myself or others. I do them bc I believe they are good or beautiful or right or just and I have to let that be enough of a reason.  

I agree. 

I have pondered why it wrecked me so badly when I lost my baby girl at birth. Of course, it is a sad thing, very tragic and sudden and shocking. But I have seen other people suffer similarly and not get struck down as severely as I did. (I'm not trying to compare pain, and I'm not saying one person is better than another in how they respond to grief... please, nobody misunderstand. I just mean, in retrospect, thinking about how I could have come out of my grief sooner and in a more mentally nurturing way.) 

I have realized a lot of why that was so devastating to me personally was because I had beliefs - likely subconscious, but definitely there - that my faith in God would protect me from anything *really* bad, or else, God would patch up whatever the bad things were and it would be better in the end. I am sure I never in my worst nightmare thought my baby could die. Truthfully, in a lot of ways, I kept looking for a redemption of my daughter's death; something that would make it "okay", for several years, certainly.

My grief didn't begin to resolve until I finally swallowed that bitter pill that I was not specially protected, garbage could dump on me like anyone else, some things just absolutely suck and are never "redeemed", and that there is nothing at all special about me. I'm just a human having a human existence and that means all the garbage that can happen to any human could happen to me or the people I love at any time. It doesn't have to make sense or have some ultimate better outcome. It just *is*. 

I think it is a much more mentally healthy view, even as it sounds on the surface more cynical. It's something akin to Radical Acceptance and it's better.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, lol. 

[Murphy101]

7 minutes ago, Quill said:

I agree. 

I have pondered why it wrecked me so badly when I lost my baby girl at birth. Of course, it is a sad thing, very tragic and sudden and shocking. But I have seen other people suffer similarly and not get struck down as severely as I did. (I'm not trying to compare pain, and I'm not saying one person is better than another in how they respond to grief... please, nobody misunderstand. I just mean, in retrospect, thinking about how I could have come out of my grief sooner and in a more mentally nurturing way.) 

I have realized a lot of why that was so devastating to me personally was because I had beliefs - likely subconscious, but definitely there - that my faith in God would protect me from anything *really* bad, or else, God would patch up whatever the bad things were and it would be better in the end. I am sure I never in my worst nightmare thought my baby could die. Truthfully, in a lot of ways, I kept looking for a redemption of my daughter's death; something that would make it "okay", for several years, certainly.

My grief didn't begin to resolve until I finally swallowed that bitter pill that I was not specially protected, garbage could dump on me like anyone else, some things just absolutely suck and are never "redeemed", and that there is nothing at all special about me. I'm just a human having a human existence and that means all the garbage that can happen to any human could happen to me or the people I love at any time. It doesn't have to make sense or have some ultimate better outcome. It just *is*. 

I think it is a much more mentally healthy view, even as it sounds on the surface more cynical. It's something akin to Radical Acceptance and it's better.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, lol. 

Indeed. I think it’s really awful how a narrative of being Christian means prosperity and protection.  It flies in the face of the faith and Catholic teachings. Mary most pure watched her son, the holiest of holy, be crucified.  The pinnacles of holy suffered tremendous sorrow.  I am certainly not worth any better than them.

[plansrme]

8 hours ago, Soror said:

Maybe we'll finally get chickens. 

 

I feel confident in advising that you should definitely get chickens. They are so entertaining.

[HS Mom in NC]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

I agree. 

I have pondered why it wrecked me so badly when I lost my baby girl at birth. Of course, it is a sad thing, very tragic and sudden and shocking. But I have seen other people suffer similarly and not get struck down as severely as I did. (I'm not trying to compare pain, and I'm not saying one person is better than another in how they respond to grief... please, nobody misunderstand. I just mean, in retrospect, thinking about how I could have come out of my grief sooner and in a more mentally nurturing way.) 

I have realized a lot of why that was so devastating to me personally was because I had beliefs - likely subconscious, but definitely there - that my faith in God would protect me from anything *really* bad, or else, God would patch up whatever the bad things were and it would be better in the end. I am sure I never in my worst nightmare thought my baby could die. Truthfully, in a lot of ways, I kept looking for a redemption of my daughter's death; something that would make it "okay", for several years, certainly.

My grief didn't begin to resolve until I finally swallowed that bitter pill that I was not specially protected, garbage could dump on me like anyone else, some things just absolutely suck and are never "redeemed", and that there is nothing at all special about me. I'm just a human having a human existence and that means all the garbage that can happen to any human could happen to me or the people I love at any time. It doesn't have to make sense or have some ultimate better outcome. It just *is*. 

I think it is a much more mentally healthy view, even as it sounds on the surface more cynical. It's something akin to Radical Acceptance and it's better.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, lol. 

Yep.  The Prosperity Gospel heresy is alive and well and corrupting many branches of Christianity. It's everywhere and confusing people both inside and outside the church. Jesus suffered, martyrs suffer, believers suffer, unbelievers suffer because this world is full of suffering.

[TexasProud]

4 hours ago, HS Mom in NC said:

Yep.  The Prosperity Gospel heresy is alive and well and corrupting many branches of Christianity. It's everywhere and confusing people both inside and outside the church. Jesus suffered, martyrs suffer, believers suffer, unbelievers suffer because this world is full of suffering.

So then, I guess my question is. If I am just going to continue to suffer, why not go be with Jesus where I will not?

[Catwoman]

12 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

So then, I guess my question is. If I am just going to continue to suffer, why not go be with Jesus where I will not?

This is something to discuss with a qualified professional. This is way beyond our pay grade.

Seriously, I’m worried about you. 😞 

Edited June 1, 2022 by Catwoman

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

This is something to discuss with a qualified professional. This is way beyond our pay grade.

Seriously, I’m worried about you. 😞 

No, no. Don't be worried. I am at a conference, so just typing on short breaks so maybe my meaning is not clear. It was more of a rhetorical question. If I have to lower my expectations so that all I can expect is suffering and more suffering and there is no hope for anything better, then I just don't get it.  I understand that plans change. If fact, it is often fun to improvise plans already made. But if I am supposed to believe I should have such low expectations that nothing I plan ever happens, I mean how incredibly depressing would that be???

To me, there has to be hope. Without hope, you might as well just go be with Jesus. But there is hope. 

[Catwoman]

42 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

No, no. Don't be worried. I am at a conference, so just typing on short breaks so maybe my meaning is not clear. It was more of a rhetorical question. If I have to lower my expectations so that all I can expect is suffering and more suffering and there is no hope for anything better, then I just don't get it.  I understand that plans change. If fact, it is often fun to improvise plans already made. But if I am supposed to believe I should have such low expectations that nothing I plan ever happens, I mean how incredibly depressing would that be???

To me, there has to be hope. Without hope, you might as well just go be with Jesus. But there is hope. 

Thank you so much for clarifying— I was worried!!!

Also, YAY FOR YOU! I’m so glad you got to go to the conference!!!

[freesia]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

No, no. Don't be worried. I am at a conference, so just typing on short breaks so maybe my meaning is not clear. It was more of a rhetorical question. If I have to lower my expectations so that all I can expect is suffering and more suffering and there is no hope for anything better, then I just don't get it.  I understand that plans change. If fact, it is often fun to improvise plans already made. But if I am supposed to believe I should have such low expectations that nothing I plan ever happens, I mean how incredibly depressing would that be???

To me, there has to be hope. Without hope, you might as well just go be with Jesus. But there is hope. 

For me the key is to step back to see what is going right—even small things. I think I lived a lot of life feeling like at some point I would arrive at a time when everything worked and was good. I had a counselor who would listen to me and then say, ok, what is going well and she taught me to see even the smallest things that are going well. Life never will all click except for brief moments. Nothing will be perfect, but I know from things you have said that there is good in your marriage, with your kids, you have money for all your needs and many of your wants, you are at this conference you wanted to go to, and I know there is more. Try listing or vocalizing these without a yes, but…. See if switching to see what goes well helps you feel less overwhelmed. 

[HS Mom in NC]

4 hours ago, TexasProud said:

So then, I guess my question is. If I am just going to continue to suffer, why not go be with Jesus where I will not?

Suffering is spiritually formative, it draws us closer to The Comforter, it's one way we become more like Jesus, it takes our focus away from the temporal to the eternal, it's a way to be reassured that our faith is genuine,


Romans 5 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we^[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. ² Through him we have also obtained access by faith^[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we^[c] rejoice^[d] in hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

2 Corinthians³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵ For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.^{[a] 6} If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. ⁷ Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

Philippians 3 ⁸ Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— ¹⁰ that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

[WildflowerMom]

Another thing I'd like to do is take cooking classes.   I am an awful cook, so this would be an adventure for me (and the instructor 😱😆).    
 

I watched a TikTok of this woman on a cruise ship yesterday and while I didn't really want to go on a cruise, watching her video made me want to.  It was a video of people my age and older dancing in their bathing suits, not a care in the world with how their bodies looked, just shaking their booties and moving their hips.  I watched it several times and just longed to be right there with them, not a care in the world, letting it all hang out, having fun.   One day, maybe...  

[Rosie_0801]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

So then, I guess my question is. If I am just going to continue to suffer, why not go be with Jesus where I will not?

You'll have more to talk about when you get there!

[Shoeless]

It's not a given you will suffer. You might. Or you might not. It's all pretty random, really. 

[lovinmyboys]

I had a midlife crisis and convinced my Dh to move overseas for 3 years. We are moving in a few weeks. I hope I made the right decision for our family-we still have 4 kids age 10-16 and I feel bad pulling them into my crisis, but I had to do something different.

I thought about having another baby and if I could guarantee a healthy mom and baby, I might have gone for that. I am kinda risk averse.

If moving to another country or adding to my family weren’t options some other things I have considered- volunteering for CASA, buying a boat (probably unlikely as we could have 3 kids in college in a few years), starting a dinner or book club, doing a new form of exercise (ballet?), updating my look, and recommitting to being a good neighbor/citizen. 

[Shoeless]

For my midlife crisis, I am: 

Hardcore decluttering the house. 

Learning to cook everything from scratch. I am 17 days away from a full year of home made food.

Fitness/weight loss. Down 70lbs so far, have another 10-15 to go. 

Planning to move across the country again, assuming DH ever makes a decision about where he wants to move.

And I am kinda sorta thinking about going to welding school. Not sure on that, but I am looking into it.

[LucyStoner]

My husband, sometime after 40, mentioned he was thinking about some sort of tattoo on his head.  He’s one of those guys who went bald at 20.  I told him he made both far too much and far too little money to be able to get away with tat on his head.  

There’s no middle income path for people with head/face tattoos.  You either have a sketchy sporadic job of dubious legality or you are a rock star. 

Either that or he’d legit have to become a tattoo artist. They probably earn a decent living.  

Edited June 2, 2022 by LucyStoner

[Eos]

3 hours ago, MissLemon said:

For my midlife crisis, I am: 

Hardcore decluttering the house. 

Learning to cook everything from scratch. I am 17 days away from a full year of home made food.

Fitness/weight loss. Down 70lbs so far, have another 10-15 to go. 

Planning to move across the country again, assuming DH ever makes a decision about where he wants to move.

And I am kinda sorta thinking about going to welding school. Not sure on that, but I am looking into it.

Inspiring, especially the bolded!

[Guest]

13 hours ago, TexasProud said:

So then, I guess my question is. If I am just going to continue to suffer, why not go be with Jesus where I will not?

To me, the answer is: we get this *one* life. We try to make something good and lasting out of it. Our contribution may be tiny in the grand scheme of things - we planted flowers and the bee population grew; we gave a dog slated for euthanasia a home; we shared a wonderful book with a child - but every person’s contributions matter. I love the movie Its A Wonderful  Life because it reminds me of this. 
 

I have survived a traumatic birth where I lost a not-small amount of blood and now, breast cancer. Since I’m still here today, I try to make it worthwhile for myself, the people around me, and hopefully a tiny bit for the wider world. 

Edited June 2, 2022 by Quill

[Guest]

To me, there has to be hope. Without hope, you might as well just go be with Jesus. But there is hope. 

 

Well no one said there can’t be *hope*. I just think there shouldn’t be too much arrogance of *certainty*. I learned that it is better not to be So Damn Certain nothing truly horrible could happen to me/to those I love. Life can be shitty, yes. But it can be beautiful, too. 

Edited June 2, 2022 by Quill

[TexasProud]

12 hours ago, freesia said:

For me the key is to step back to see what is going right—even small things. I think I lived a lot of life feeling like at some point I would arrive at a time when everything worked and was good. I had a counselor who would listen to me and then say, ok, what is going well and she taught me to see even the smallest things that are going well. Life never will all click except for brief moments. Nothing will be perfect, but I know from things you have said that there is good in your marriage, with your kids, you have money for all your needs and many of your wants, you are at this conference you wanted to go to, and I know there is more. Try listing or vocalizing these without a yes, but…. See if switching to see what goes well helps you feel less overwhelmed. 

Yes, I do gratitude lists daily.  What I cannot do is relax. EVERY single time I have something horrible has happened.  I was so happy at the new job and just really enjoying it and get a phone call a child is in a mental hospital.  Relaxing on a beautiful hike and feeling all is right with the world and a phone call that mom is missing and a few hours later that she has cancer in all parts of her body. Enjoying a movie with a friend and go to pick up our friend and he has been hit and killed by a drunk driver.  Just a few examples. 

That is what I crave.  Anytime I tell myself to enjoy and just be in the moment, something happens. It just does. 

[Guest]

Texas, is there a narrative in your head that says *YOU* are always responsible for making sure no shit hits the fan? It sounds that way to me. 
 

Bad stuff is going to happen. It’s going to happen whether you were, moments ago, enjoying a nice glass of iced tea on the deck, thinking life is good, or you were in bed, eating a donut, unable to face the day. Life is full of both. 
 

You can’t stop bad stuff from happening by being a good person, by praying a lot, by controlling circumstances. It’s true you can make some things more likely to go well with good choices, but we all have the random junk of the universe that strikes without warning. Truly, my mental health improved when I faced that truth. 
 

Recently, I have been thinking of people in Ukraine. Can you imagine how cruel it would be to have to leave your home on foot with your kids and aging parents, fleeing as refugees, leaving your husband/brothers/whomever behind to fight? City destroyed, people dead, for no reason that makes any sense; just that a dictator wants the land you have always called home and doesn’t mind killing people and destroying lives to get it? Not to say my life is good because someone else’s is shittier, but just to demonstrate that rain falls on the righteous and unrighteous alike. You can’t prevent all the bad stuff. Might as well enjoy the ice tea. 

[freesia]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, I do gratitude lists daily.  What I cannot do is relax. EVERY single time I have something horrible has happened.  I was so happy at the new job and just really enjoying it and get a phone call a child is in a mental hospital.  Relaxing on a beautiful hike and feeling all is right with the world and a phone call that mom is missing and a few hours later that she has cancer in all parts of her body. Enjoying a movie with a friend and go to pick up our friend and he has been hit and killed by a drunk driver.  Just a few examples. 

That is what I crave.  Anytime I tell myself to enjoy and just be in the moment, something happens. It just does. 

Relaxing doesn't cause those things to happen--not relaxing won't keep them from happening.  Those things happening doesn't have to take away from the good, relaxing, enjoyable times.  Both the good and that bad parts just are. One does not negate the other.  Life isn't bad because bad happens sometimes unless you chose to define life by the bad things.   You can choose to cherish the good parts--they don't go away.  It seems like, in your head, you cancel them out as those they are numbers cancelled by the negative numbers of the bad.  That doesn't have to be the way it works.

Have you ever looked at a list of cognitive distortions? https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/cognitive-distortions.pdf

Is it really every time you ever relax these things happen? Do they happen ever when you aren't relaxed?  How would relaxing cause these things to happen?

[wintermom]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, I do gratitude lists daily.  What I cannot do is relax. EVERY single time I have something horrible has happened.  I was so happy at the new job and just really enjoying it and get a phone call a child is in a mental hospital.  Relaxing on a beautiful hike and feeling all is right with the world and a phone call that mom is missing and a few hours later that she has cancer in all parts of her body. Enjoying a movie with a friend and go to pick up our friend and he has been hit and killed by a drunk driver.  Just a few examples. 

That is what I crave.  Anytime I tell myself to enjoy and just be in the moment, something happens. It just does. 

That's a lot of really tough things to deal with. I'm so sorry. 

I don't see the same connection between 'you relaxing' and the 'unfortunate events happening to other people' that you seem to see. There actually is no invisible thread that made you having an enjoyable time cause the sad things to happen to the people around you. Sure, in your mind there is a link, but it's not a causation link.

It almost sounds like you need to turn off your phone and allow yourself the opportunity to truly relax and not be constantly 'on call.' The ability to 'turn off' the feeling of being responsible for those around us, our job, or our possessions, is really important for our own mental health and well-being.

Edited June 2, 2022 by wintermom

[Jenny in Florida]

2 hours ago, freesia said:

Relaxing doesn't cause those things to happen--not relaxing won't keep them from happening.  Those things happening doesn't have to take away from the good, relaxing, enjoyable times.  Both the good and that bad parts just are. One does not negate the other.  Life isn't bad because bad happens sometimes unless you chose to define life by the bad things.   You can choose to cherish the good parts--they don't go away.  It seems like, in your head, you cancel them out as those they are numbers cancelled by the negative numbers of the bad.  That doesn't have to be the way it works.

Have you ever looked at a list of cognitive distortions? https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/cognitive-distortions.pdf

Is it really every time you ever relax these things happen? Do they happen ever when you aren't relaxed?  How would relaxing cause these things to happen?

So, I am not the person to whom these questions are addressed, but I have feelings and experiences similar to what TexasProud has described and a similar resulting fear of ever just relaxing and enjoying anything.

In my case, it's not that I believe the relaxing "causes" the bad stuff; it's that the bad stuff hits me harder when it knocks me down from a higher place, emotionally. It makes me feel like I'm being punished for being happy or proud of myself. It makes me feel like I need to always be on my guard so that the next time something awful happens, it won't hurt so much or throw me for such a loop.

To be clear: I have never thought that anything about my beliefs or lifestyle would or should "protect" me in any way from bad things happening. I don't expect my life to be any easier than anyone else's, and I readily acknowledge that many people have things a lot worse than I do. In my case, though, knowing those things and yet still feeling the way I do (despite everything I have worked really hard to try to shake myself out of it) just makes me feel like a failure.

Edited June 2, 2022 by Jenny in Florida

[freesia]

1 minute ago, Jenny in Florida said:

So, I am not the person to whom these questions are addressed, but I have feelings and experiences similar to what TexasProud has described and a similar resulting fear of ever just relaxing and enjoying anything.

In my case, it's not that I believe the relaxing "causes" the bad stuff; it's that the bad stuff hits me harder when it knocks me down from a higher place, emotionally. It makes me feel like I'm being punished for being happy or proud of myself. It makes me feel like I need to always be on my guard so that the next time something awful happens, it won't hurt so much or throw me for such a loop.

To be clear: I have never thought that anything about my beliefs or lifestyle would or should "protect" me in any way from bad things happening. I don't expect my life to be any easier than anyone else's, and I readily acknowledge that many people have things a lot worse than I do. In my case, though, knowing those things and yet still feeling the way I do (despite everything I have worked really hard to try to shake myself out of it) just makes me feel like a failure.

Thanks for clarifying from your experience.  That must be so hard.  I have felt that way (a failure) about an inability to let go of anger toward someone who hurt our family badly.  I have found some peace in just accepting how I feel without judging how I "should" feel.  I also keep a distance in certain situations so I don't have to be on guard.  I try to accept  that about myself, too.  When I try to focus on the good, it's not really about getting to a higher place emotionally, it's more about being more at peace and not seeing the world in black and white terms--good or bad/ hopeless/joyful.  It's about seeing what is instead of letting the bad dictate the narrative.  My brain does lie to me.  It can tell me that everything is falling apart and that sends me reeling and reacting all over the place.  When I step back and list what isn't falling apart, I realize that I can cope with the things that feel overwhelming. That's better for everyone--me included.  Fewer things do fall apart and I have moments of peace and joy even when things are going badly.

[Jenny in Florida]

[Removed - Sorry for derailing the conversation.]

Edited June 2, 2022 by Jenny in Florida

[WildflowerMom]

Newlma, have you thought of doing some kind of project?  Something you work on for a while and then move on to something else?   For example, one thing I’d like to do is buy an old camper, fix it up, and sell it (or even use it if it fit our needs at the time).  
Maybe if you have some kind of skill, you could turn that into a project of some sort.  Like if you sew, could you try a big project,  try to finish it, then move on to another project?  
Maybe make it a goal to see all the state parks in your state or region?   Once you’ve done it, find another ‘project’.      
Block off a weekend as an adventure weekend.   Go to one of those lodges where you hike in, maybe go rafting, something like that.   
Doing things in chunks of time is easier for me to actually try new things and not get overwhelmed by it.   Just a thought!   

[Lady Marmalade]

In the last few years I have:

Gotten a part time job that turned into a full time job that has turned into a full blown post-children career that I intend to continue with for a long time.

Bought myself a car without even consulting my husband.

Got my nose pierced, then a few month later got a cartilage piercing, and I'm currently planning the next one.   Every time I see my piercings they bring me joy.  I love them so much.

Bought a large package of high quality temporary tattoos off of Amazon and am wearing them one at a time in different places to figure out where I will want to get mine.  I WILL be getting one, but placement is important to me.  I'm currently really loving the one on my inner forearm.   I've always been anti-tattoo, but I've really become enamored with tastefully done sleeves- where every detail has significance.

Bought myself virtual tickets to pricey two day conference in August.  

Signed up for a designation course with a well-known motivational speaker and am loving every session. 

Joined Jamie Oliver's virtual cooking club.  I seldom actually participate, but I buy the cookbook and am enjoying seeing what everyone else cooks up from month to month.  So far all of the books have been winners, I just don't often have the time to cook.

[wintermom]

2 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

In my case, it's not that I believe the relaxing "causes" the bad stuff; it's that the bad stuff hits me harder when it knocks me down from a higher place, emotionally. It makes me feel like I'm being punished for being happy or proud of myself. It makes me feel like I need to always be on my guard so that the next time something awful happens, it won't hurt so much or throw me for such a loop.

I don't mean to tread on any toes, so feel free to completely ignore this.

Doesn't the bad stuff knock us down from whatever 'height' we are? If we are already feeling low, it feels like we're going even lower down; if we are feeling good, it brings us down. That temporary 'height' or feeling of calm, or well-being when we learn about a bad event isn't actually the biggest factor. Rather it's our reaction to the bad event. Sometimes we're already feeling overwhelmed, and trying to cope with one more bad piece of news just wipes us out.

In brain anatomy terms, if the amygdala (fight/flight) part of the brain has been overstimulated from on-going trauma or stress and hasn't had enought tme inbetween to recover, our ability to cope with more stress is reduced.

I really like this colour zone image to describe different zones of mental health continuum. Green is that wonderful on-going 'relaxed' state.

We really need loads of time in the 'green zone' to recover from on-going stress. Sometimes we need some additional support to help us get back into thes green zone.

https://navigator.nscad.ca/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Mental-Health-Continuum-Tool-PDF-EDIT.pdf

Edited June 2, 2022 by wintermom

[freesia]

1 hour ago, Jenny in Florida said:

Oh, I know I can cope -- I always have. I just can't figure out why I should bother. It's exhausting and completely unrewarding to do so. I'm not getting anything out of it, and I'm not making any real contribution by just sitting here taking up space.

I wish we still had the hug emoji. I think you make a contribution here. I’ve admired your honesty for years. Really, you are one of the posters whose journey with your kids I think about as I parent my teens. I know things haven’t turned out they way you wanted with them, but I admire how you sought to meet each child where they were and as who they were and to support them. That has inspired me as I learned to do the same with my kids, particularly when life took unexpected turns. I do hope things get easier and more peaceful for you.

[Jenny in Florida]

[Removed - Sorry for derailing the conversation.]

Edited June 2, 2022 by Jenny in Florida

[Jenny in Florida]

You're very kind, @freesia. Thank you.

[wintermom]

2 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

In my case, no, it's not the same. There is a special kind of hurt that comes from being knocked backward at the exact moment you have dared to think you might finally be making progress. If my breast cancer diagnosis had hit when I was still plugging away at the job I felt I had already outgrown, that would have felt like a very different experience from being diagnosed two weeks after starting the job where I had hoped to hit the ground running and finally have room to grow and show what I could do. In the previous job, I would have felt much less upset by just treading water at work while I put my energy into managing surgery, treatment and recovery. Instead, I was constantly stressed trying to juggle my health with my professional goals, and I basically lost the first year of progress in a new place. 

If the breast cancer had happened when I was already feeling "meh," it would have been just one more thing to manage. By hitting just when I was feeling hopeful and energized about a new start, it had much more impact.

But maybe that's because I've been stuck in the orange zone (with occasional forays into red) for several years, now.

It really does sound like you have been foraging through the 'orange zone' with some highs and lows for a while. And on top of the mental stress, you were hit with a huge physical stressor in for form of cancer. That must have an enormous impact on the entire body, including your mental health.

You are doing so well constantly moving forward, setting and acheiving goal after goal. It's completely inspiring to hear about.