Rant about holiday food

[Rosie_0801]

6 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

 

Am I the only person who lives where most Chinese restaurants are owned by Christians who take Christmas off? Seriously, I have tried ordering Chinese on Christmas and everywhere nearby was closed - and we do seem to have a lot of churches and services here in various Asian languages...so yeah...no Chinese food for us 😞

That's why every town needs Muslims. In my world, at least, there is always a kebab shop nearby.

[marbel]

8 hours ago, Terabith said:

It's an 11 hour drive each way.  

 

8 hours ago, Terabith said:

Yeah.  We will see.  I mean, I know my mom loves all of us.  And it's not like she's personally happy either.  It's just challenging and fraught.  

This is pretty much us exactly. Well, it's my MIL and FIL and they are both weird about food. When I have brought food for myself for breakfast (muesli and yogurt) they have made comments like "ugh, who would eat that?" as I am sitting there eating that. Not visiting was not an option for us - they are not toxic people, just weird about a lot of things, but mostly food. They don't like people who they perceive as overweight/eat too much. Probably they are also trying not to spend a lot on food. So we plan to get bad food and not enough of it for the days we are visiting. In the big picture of life, it's not a huge deal. As the kids got older, we found more reasons to get away for hikes and we'd eat our snacks or stop for something.

 

[Katy]

8 hours ago, ktgrok said:

 

Am I the only person who lives where most Chinese restaurants are owned by Christians who take Christmas off? Seriously, I have tried ordering Chinese on Christmas and everywhere nearby was closed - and we do seem to have a lot of churches and services here in various Asian languages...so yeah...no Chinese food for us 😞

Most places I’ve lived at least half the Chinese population wasn’t and there was a large enough Jewish population that Christmas was their busiest day of the year. Denny’s, Perkins, and gas stations were the only other places likely to be open except a movie theater. I’ve not lived places with large enough populations for other restaurants to be open. 

[Eos]

12 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

I wouldn’t ask permission to get food for my family. I’d have just gone and done i

This.  Gently, with Christmas warmth, breaking out of this situation and teaching your kids that their needs are important, other peoples' needs are important when planning an event, and taking initiative are all important life skills for adults. Respecting the rules of the house is also important, of course, but guiding them to see patterns of unhealthiness is also good. If you don't teach them, who will?

[BlsdMama]

14 hours ago, Terabith said:

Especially when it’s for 36 hours!

🤦🏼‍♀️ 

 

We might die in this scenario. Beyond the obvious religious reasons for Christmas, isn’ta side perk being able to gorge oneself on yummy food?

i thought we went light last night with just bread and chili and two soups...

[BlsdMama]

12 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

Far be it from me to tell you how to live your life - no, who am I kidding, I love telling people how to live their lives.

If your mother is utterly unreasonable, stop trying to reason with her. If you feel you have to be there for the holidays next year, bring your own food without telling her in advance and feign deafness if she tries to complain.

You learned "there's no point" in going against your mom, but you taught her that she can get away with everything because there will be no meaningful pushback. Even your mother can learn.

But, you know, that's just how I'd do things.

Honestly - yes. We went on a large family vacation in which food was “covered” but they couldn’t wrap their heads around how our family eats - both in what we eat (lots of produce, little too no bread and milk) and quantity. It wasn’t mean, they just didn’t know what they didn’t know. We let the passive aggressive remarks about us bringing food, later making a second trip to the grocery store, and fridge space roll off. No one noticed it was pretty much consumed in totality. 👀 We did us, shared generously, and ignored remarks. They didn’t get us, we don’t get how they eat so little (except filling up on grains) and that’s fine. But I wasn’t going to have us be cranky and whiny for food issues. Nope. 

[marbel]

So you know how people (including on this board) say things like "your house, your rules?" Well, it's the mom's house. She gets to set the rules, right? 

Now I think it's completely unreasonable for a parent to tell their adult children/grandchildren they can't bring food in, and I admit as an adult to sneaking food into my in-laws' house and eating it in private, though we have never been explicitly told not to bring food. It's very strongly implied that more food is not welcome. And it's kinda stupid if you think about it for 2 seconds.

But, I think if a boardie was complaining that people brought too much food to their house, and they wanted them to stop, there'd be be some posts encouraging her to set her boundaries and tell them not to bring food. "Your house, your rules."

Relationships and people are complicated. 

[catz]

Could you stay at a hotel or an airbnb when you visit?  I had quirky out of town grandparents growing up that we loved dearly but were just hard to be together with 24-7 for many days.  Things went much better when we could have some space to recoup, maybe do some stuff as a family, etc and just did extended family stuff for a few hour blocks over a single meal a day over a few days.  

I would personally let my teens just eat to appetite and if they got hungry, I'd just announce I was getting take out for the hungry teens and ask if anyone else wanted anything.  I mean nothing says Christmas like a couple tubs of deli chicken salad and a bag of chicken tenders for a dozen people for 2 meals?  That is absolutely wacky to me.  I get doing simple holidays but wow.  Especially when people literally drove 11 hours to get there.

I personally think having house guests is a dance of being a polite guest AND a polite host.  My house my rules is all well and good.  But if you push too hard it become the quick track for never having house guests.  I wouldn't blame your teens for not wanting to go and kids like this often find reasons not to go home for the holidays when they hit college age if it's awful.  Telling someone with teens they are greedy and high maintenance because they want to make a substantial meal on a major holiday?  Wow.

Edited December 25, 2021 by FuzzyCatz

[Garga]

My parents have been just the two of them for almost 30 years. In those years, their appetites have diminished such that they never eat lunch anymore.

My family visited them two years ago (they live 2500 miles away, so visits are rare). So, instead of 2 people in my parent’s house, there were 6. 

My mom called me over one day, using a disbelieving, “you-gotta-come-see-this” voice. She opened the fridge and said, “Look!!”

I looked. It was a fridge. There were things in it. I was like, “What am I looking at?” She was like, “LOOK at all the STUFF!!!!” There wasn’t really very much stuff—just what 6 people would need for a couple of days. But to her, it was an astounding amount of food.

In that same trip, we were going to go on a little touristy day trip somewhere. My mom, her sister (also with no appetite) and I were planning the day. I noticed there was no time set aside for lunch. I said, “Maybe we can stop at a sit down restaurant for lunch around noonish?” They both paused and asked with complete sincerity, “But…do we need to do that? It’s not like we’ll be hungry.”

Um…yes, we’ll be hungry! People under 70 eat three meals a day. It’s pretty standard and well-known.

My parents know this and when I pointed it out they were like, “Yes, I guess you’re right,” but we all sat down at our lunch that day and my mom, dad, aunt, and uncle didn’t order anything because they just honestly weren’t hungry. My husband, kids, and I age a full lunch—burgers, fries, etc.

 

So, I dunno OP. Your family might really believe it’s enough and be flabbergasted to find out it’s not. Chinese takeout for the win.

Edited December 25, 2021 by Garga

[Garga]

Forgot to add—on that same trip when my mom opened the fridge door and was astounded at the amount of food, she kept throwing out the leftovers. In her mind, they were just taking up space and wouldn’t be used anyway. No one could possibly eat all that food!

But then, my dh, kids, and I would rifle through the fridge looking for the leftovers to eat for lunch and say, “Hey, where did that ravioli from last night go?” And my mom would say, “Oh, I threw that out. There was too much. We were never going to eat that!” And then we’d all have to scramble to figure out what to eat for lunch.

My mom is good natured and loves a good joke, so we got to the point where we could joke with her and say, “Stop throwing out our food!” in a lighthearted way and she stopped. But I do think it kinda made her twitch a little to see her fridge stuffed with all that food clutter. I’m not sure she ever quite understood how hungry we all were for lunch each day.

Edited December 25, 2021 by Garga

[Pawz4me]

Umm . . . the older folks in most of your lives must be totally different from my MIL. She's little, but she eats more than I do. She has a cookie (usually two) with her coffee when she first gets up, then breakfast in an hour or two, then lunch, dinner around 5:00, and a snack before bed. She says sometimes she gets up during the night for a snack. I swear she's like a hobbit with her seven meals a day. She showed me the package of cookies she usually has for her pre-breakfast coffee snack. There are more calories in those two cookies than almost in my entire typical breakfast and lunch combined. And you dare not plan an outing without a well planned meal break. She gets hangry.

[Harriet Vane]

@Garga We stayed with my in-laws for about two months as we were transitioning to move out of state. They were horribly overwhelmed at the amount of food three extra people generated. (Kids and I were there full time, but dh came just on weekends.) I personally bought everything we  ate (not my in-laws), but my usual grocery shopping made them upset. Fil kept saying grimly we couldn’t make any new food until we ate all the food we already had. I ended up hiding all our non-perishables in the basement, bringing up a couple cans or whatever as needed. I shopped more frequently for fewer things, and the kids and I snuck in the groceries. If grandparents were home, the kids would distract them while I rushed the food into the basement. It was crazy.

[Dmmetler]

12 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

That's why every town needs Muslims. In my world, at least, there is always a kebab shop nearby.

That was where we ended up on Christmas day the year we were in Sydney for it (my memories are popping up on FB). 

[Faith-manor]

You are not out of line at all, and I was would take food for my family that is kept away from everyone else and eaten privately outside as needed, and the others can stuff it. Even if it was only cheese sticks, beef stick, granola, and dried fruit, I would be takinf food. But I realize, I am seeing this too late!!! I hope you managed to finagle food for your family.

[MEmama]

I always pack my own food when we visit the in-laws. I just can’t risk having nothing but carbs for meals, which is typically what they prepare, or being beholden to a kitchen full of sweets and baked goods for snacks. It’s an enormous pain to try to fix balanced meals or snacks for ourselves, so I just come prepared and keep healthy food in our bedrooms to quietly consume as necessary. No need to hurt their feelings, but also I’m not going to dismiss our needs. 
 

I hope you found good takeout, OP! 

[Arcadia]

13 hours ago, ktgrok said:

Am I the only person who lives where most Chinese restaurants are owned by Christians who take Christmas off? Seriously, I have tried ordering Chinese on Christmas and everywhere nearby was closed - and we do seem to have a lot of churches and services here in various Asian languages...so yeah...no Chinese food for us 😞

Majority of the Panda Express stores are closed here too. Chinese restaurants here are open but the prices are generally higher for a full meal. By the time my teens are full, we would be out more than a hundred for the four of us. 
 

Chinese takeout is usually easy to reheat so people typically buy yesterday afternoon before they closed early for Christmas eve. 

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, Garga said:

Um…yes, we’ll be hungry! People under 70 eat three meals a day. It’s pretty standard and well-known.

Growing kids may eat six meals a day 🤦‍♀️ 

[momto3innc]

I always bring food to my in-laws after a couple times where I left starving. They have enough food but just eat at different times than we do. No breakfast, lunch might be at 2, and dinner at 9. And they feel very strongly about no one ruining their appetite. One memorable thanksgiving, we were supposed to eat at 1. No breakfast allowed. But it wasn’t ready til 5. I thought I was going to die but was in college and didn’t stick up for myself the way I would now.  Now that my kids are older, we just kind of roll our eyes and either eat food we brought in our rooms or slip out and grab something. But when the kids were little we had a bad time once when I was unprepared and vowed never again. This past thanksgiving, I brought an entire bag of food that lived in my room. Just makes life better!

Edited December 25, 2021 by momto3innc

[Terabith]

Well, several cousins are going back with my BIL’s sister, so the numbers of people we are feeding is less.  I think it won’t be much and we’ll heavily supplement with candy and food at the movie, but it will be enough, with all the Christmas cookies I insisted on making, despite all the claims of, “That will be too many!” 
 

However, we have moved onto discussing politics, and holy crap. 
 

Sigh.  

[MEmama]

14 hours ago, ktgrok said:

 

Am I the only person who lives where most Chinese restaurants are owned by Christians who take Christmas off? Seriously, I have tried ordering Chinese on Christmas and everywhere nearby was closed - and we do seem to have a lot of churches and services here in various Asian languages...so yeah...no Chinese food for us 😞

Everywhere I’ve ever lived as an adult has had Chinese restaurants, and Christmas/Eve always seems to be their busiest. Even the teeny tiny rural community where we lived in New Brunswick had one— and it was shockingly good. I learned after waiting until a 9 pm dinner our first Christmas Eve that we needed to order our takeaway very early in the day to have a normal dinner time on Christmas Eve. I swear more people ate there that night than lived in the entire town. 

[Terabith]

Also, my aunt with dementia tried to wash dishes and contaminated my mom with OCD’s sterile and dirty sections of her kitchen, and my mom is freaking.  

[Terabith]

And apparently my cousins (in another state) left their three year old twins unattended for three hours this morning, and shockingly, the kids made a huge mess, so they were not allowed to get their Santa presents.  Who the hell does that???  When you leave three year olds unattended for HOURS, on a day of massive anticipation and stress, and a mess is the worst thing that happens, you blame yourselves, not the three year olds!  I'm so furious and there's absolutely no way I can say anything to my cousin, who knows absolutely NOTHING about children but is incredibly defensive about being criticized or educated on their child rearing.  

[Carol in Cal.]

1 hour ago, momto3innc said:

I always bring food to my in-laws after a couple times where I left starving. They have enough food but just eat at different times than we do. No breakfast, lunch might be at 2, and dinner at 9. And they feel very strongly about no one ruining their appetite. One memorable thanksgiving, we were supposed to eat at 1. No breakfast allowed. But it wasn’t ready til 5. I thought I was going to die but was in college and didn’t stick up for myself the way I would now.  Now that my kids are older, we just kind of roll our eyes and either eat food we brought in our rooms or slip out and grab something. But when the kids were little we had a bad time once when I was unprepared and vowed never again. This past thanksgiving, I brought an entire bag of food that lived in my room. Just makes life better!

In fairness, it’s not always really possible to know how long a big roast will take to cook.

[Harriet Vane]

3 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

@Garga We stayed with my in-laws for about two months as we were transitioning to move out of state. They were horribly overwhelmed at the amount of food three extra people generated. (Kids and I were there full time, but dh came just on weekends.) I personally bought everything we  ate (not my in-laws), but my usual grocery shopping made them upset. Fil kept saying grimly we couldn’t make any new food until we ate all the food we already had. I ended up hiding all our non-perishables in the basement, bringing up a couple cans or whatever as needed. I shopped more frequently for fewer things, and the kids and I snuck in the groceries. If grandparents were home, the kids would distract them while I rushed the food into the basement. It was crazy.

I should add—my in-laws were actually the kindest and most loving people. Truly the best grandparents ever. But when we stayed with them they were both at the beginning of the long dementia road. So tough to live with because of details like the food or other silliness, but also easy to forgive because they were old and frail and their health struggles became worse and worse as time passed. Both passed away this year—we miss them and we are glad their suffering is over.

[Miss Tick]

30 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

In fairness, it’s not always really possible to know how long a big roast will take to cook.

Sure, but to not allow any food until 5pm for guests sounds like cruelty. Slap down a box of saltines or something, at least! If I were the guest I would be having a crisis even now as an adult. I'm a bit of a wimp with regard to hunger.

[BlsdMama]

Charcuterie boards are so popular now that I think (next time) I’d just bring meats, cheeses, and crackers on a tray, not mention a word about your concerns aloud  *next* time, and share. Likewise with a large bowl of cut fruit. If anyone says anything I’d just say, I wanted to contribute! Merry Christmas!” in your most genuine and jolly tone. Who in the world then says, “Wow! You’re high maintenance?” No one except a grinch. If anyone complains about where to put it just suggest everyone ways it then it won’t need to be stored. 😉 Then it requires no effort or thoughts on the part of the host, it’s more food, and how can you look bad? 

[ktgrok]

15 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

That's why every town needs Muslims. In my world, at least, there is always a kebab shop nearby.

Oh!!! That's what I'll look for next time! 

[Faith-manor]

3 hours ago, Arcadia said:

Growing kids may eat six meals a day 🤦‍♀️ 

I was just thinking about last spring when Dd kept two of her best friend's children while friend had surgery. She had them along with her two for 10 days. 2 five year olds, a 3 year old, and a 1 year old. She made oatmeal and fruit for breakfast every other day, and scrambled eggs and fruit the other days. The she made up huge fruit and veggie trays with cheese, sliced turkey, and salami, and had pretzels or goldfish crackers for the afternoon snack. Those kids played outside all day and ate those trays just about dry, always. I think she said she went through 3 kiwi, 3 oranges, 1 lb of grapes, 3 bananas, 2 apples, 8 oz of cheddar cheese, 4 oz salami, and 4 oz of turkey, 1 lb of baby carrots, half a red pepper, half a cucumber, and 6 oz of grape/cherry tomatoes every day plus 12 oz of the goldfish crackers or pretzels. Then she made supper at night. One evening she made tacos, and they ate an entire can of black beans, almost a lb of ground beef, a serving of Spanish rice a piece, 8 oz of sour cream, 8 oz of cheddar cheese plus tomatoes lettuce, and green onions.

Within a few days of the 10 day stint of feeding these little critters, she reported our grandsons grew an inch a piece in height, and half shoe size, and the same for the other two! It is hard for me to fathom that some grandparents have forgotten what it means to feed hungry, growing children. My three stare step boys ate enough for a small basketball team when they were young, and enough for a platoon when teens.

[Faith-manor]

2 hours ago, Terabith said:

And apparently my cousins (in another state) left their three year old twins unattended for three hours this morning, and shockingly, the kids made a huge mess, so they were not allowed to get their Santa presents.  Who the hell does that???  When you leave three year olds unattended for HOURS, on a day of massive anticipation and stress, and a mess is the worst thing that happens, you blame yourselves, not the three year olds!  I'm so furious and there's absolutely no way I can say anything to my cousin, who knows absolutely NOTHING about children but is incredibly defensive about being criticized or educated on their child rearing.  

Oy!! I am furious and don't even know these people! That is freaking awful parenting!!!

[katilac]

6 hours ago, marbel said:

 But, I think if a boardie was complaining that people brought too much food to their house, and they wanted them to stop, there'd be be some posts encouraging her to set her boundaries and tell them not to bring food. "Your house, your rules."

Relationships and people are complicated. 

Hmm, I don't think I agree. Danger items when there's an allergy, piles of meat to a vegan household, that kind of thing, sure. But any food, because they know how much they eat? Nope. 

The closest thing I've seen to that is some people who like to do an entire meal themselves, and absolutely don't want anything added to it. That's not a thing for me, but at least those people all seem to be making an abundant amount of food, lol. 

2 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

In fairness, it’s not always really possible to know how long a big roast will take to cook.

It really is, though. You might be off by an hour if you were careless with your math, but nobody's off by four hours. Plus, when it becomes clear you are way off base, don't throw a fit about people eating. 

[Carrie12345]

19 minutes ago, katilac said:

Hmm, I don't think I agree. Danger items when there's an allergy, piles of meat to a vegan household, that kind of thing, sure. But any food, because they know how much they eat? Nope. 

The closest thing I've seen to that is some people who like to do an entire meal themselves, and absolutely don't want anything added to it. That's not a thing for me, but at least those people all seem to be making an abundant amount of food, lol. 

. 

Also, I think it’s one thing if you’re invited for *A* meal, and a whole other when you’re there for 36 hours.

I’ve definitely told (willing) people to not go out of their way for my seriously picky sons, because we can easily accommodate before and after. But a day and a half is a LONG time for kids.

[katilac]

21 hours ago, Terabith said:

My kids are 16 and 18, so they are old enough to understand and to deal with hunger for a bit.  It would be an entirely different situation if they were little.  

I actually think those are great ages to teach them that it's okay to politely stand up for yourself, and to not give other people so much control over you and your body that you're hungry on their say-so. 

No, I'm not kidding. Appeasement is a habit. Standing up for yourself is a habit. Which one do you want them to have? 

5 hours ago, Pawz4me said:

Umm . . . the older folks in most of your lives must be totally different from my MIL.  

Yes, your MIL is very unusual! "Early bird dinners" are popular with older folks not just because they often like to eat dinner early, but because it's a much smaller amount of food than a usual restaurant meal at a lower price. Like a kid's meal. 

6 hours ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Could you stay at a hotel or an airbnb when you visit?  

This right here. 

[Terabith]

When we went online to buy movie tickets, it was pretty full, so we elected not to go to the movie.  My parents weren't hungry, and my sister and her family ate at home, and we managed to get Chinese food.  

[marbel]

2 hours ago, katilac said:

I actually think those are great ages to teach them that it's okay to politely stand up for yourself, and to not give other people so much control over you and your body that you're hungry on their say-so. 

No, I'm not kidding. Appeasement is a habit. Standing up for yourself is a habit. Which one do you want them to have? 

This is all true, but also... this is a grandparent who these almost-adults kids probably don't see too often - I'm just assuming because it's an 11-hour trip to see her. They are also old enough to understand and be tolerant of the quirks of older people. I mean, it sounds as if Terabith is not too terribly fussed about it. Next time the kids can bring some food of their own, because they will know.  

I don't think this is really about someone taking  control over them - at least, that's not how I read the OP. There are definitely times to stand up for oneself, and times to stand down and tolerate the older person.  This to me sounds like a time to stand down. Soon enough the kids will be full-on adults who may choose not to visit grandma anymore, though if everything else is good, not seeing her because of food quirks seems a bit silly. 

And of course I'm extrapolating from the OP, and projecting my own issues with quirky in-laws, so... could be completely off base here. 

 

[KungFuPanda]

20 hours ago, ktgrok said:

 

Am I the only person who lives where most Chinese restaurants are owned by Christians who take Christmas off? Seriously, I have tried ordering Chinese on Christmas and everywhere nearby was closed - and we do seem to have a lot of churches and services here in various Asian languages...so yeah...no Chinese food for us 😞

I don't think ANY of our Chinese restaurants are ever closed on Christmas.  We do have a large enough Jewish population to support them even if none of the Christians end up ordering that day. Now I'm mad that it never occurred to me to see if the kabab places are open or the pizza place run by the Pakistani family.

 

8 hours ago, Garga said:

My parents have been just the two of them for almost 30 years. In those years, their appetites have diminished such that they never eat lunch anymore.

My family visited them two years ago (they live 2500 miles away, so visits are rare). So, instead of 2 people in my parent’s house, there were 6. 

My mom called me over one day, using a disbelieving, “you-gotta-come-see-this” voice. She opened the fridge and said, “Look!!”

I looked. It was a fridge. There were things in it. I was like, “What am I looking at?” She was like, “LOOK at all the STUFF!!!!” There wasn’t really very much stuff—just what 6 people would need for a couple of days. But to her, it was an astounding amount of food.

In that same trip, we were going to go on a little touristy day trip somewhere. My mom, her sister (also with no appetite) and I were planning the day. I noticed there was no time set aside for lunch. I said, “Maybe we can stop at a sit down restaurant for lunch around noonish?” They both paused and asked with complete sincerity, “But…do we need to do that? It’s not like we’ll be hungry.”

Um…yes, we’ll be hungry! People under 70 eat three meals a day. It’s pretty standard and well-known.

My parents know this and when I pointed it out they were like, “Yes, I guess you’re right,” but we all sat down at our lunch that day and my mom, dad, aunt, and uncle didn’t order anything because they just honestly weren’t hungry. My husband, kids, and I age a full lunch—burgers, fries, etc.

 

So, I dunno OP. Your family might really believe it’s enough and be flabbergasted to find out it’s not. Chinese takeout for the win.

My appetite has been waning for years and I'm not even 50 yet.  I could put away tons of food in my teens and twenties.  Now, the thought of three meals every day seems a bit overwhelming.  I've never been a huge fan of breakfast in the morning.  There were times in my life when I HAD to eat it because I needed the fuel and would be starving by lunch if I didn't.  However, since my thirties, my morning tea holds me over until 1:00 or 2:00 when we have lunch.

That said, I do feed anyone in my orbit all three meals and a snack with 5 p.m. tea because that's a normal thing to do and most people are hungry 3-4 times a day.

[Terabith]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

This is all true, but also... this is a grandparent who these almost-adults kids probably don't see too often - I'm just assuming because it's an 11-hour trip to see her. They are also old enough to understand and be tolerant of the quirks of older people. I mean, it sounds as if Terabith is not too terribly fussed about it. Next time the kids can bring some food of their own, because they will know.  

I don't think this is really about someone taking  control over them - at least, that's not how I read the OP. There are definitely times to stand up for oneself, and times to stand down and tolerate the older person.  This to me sounds like a time to stand down. Soon enough the kids will be full-on adults who may choose not to visit grandma anymore, though if everything else is good, not seeing her because of food quirks seems a bit silly. 

And of course I'm extrapolating from the OP, and projecting my own issues with quirky in-laws, so... could be completely off base here. 

 

Exactly this.  We see them generally about twice a year:  usually in the summers and at Christmas.  My oldest goes to college next year, and honestly, with jobs and shorter breaks and such, I am sure visits will be much less frequent.  My parents love them, and me, and when they were little, they went to a lot of effort to keep in contact often enough so that my kids knew them even as toddlers, despite very long distances (we both lived in different places then, but distances were about the same).  But my mom in particular has always been pretty peculiar about a lot of things, and exhausting and kind of hard to take.  I'm 45 years old, and I have never really figured out a way to stand up for myself or to fight nicely with them.  Distance really makes my relationship MUCH more manageable.  

[Faith-manor]

1 minute ago, Terabith said:

Exactly this.  We see them generally about twice a year:  usually in the summers and at Christmas.  My oldest goes to college next year, and honestly, with jobs and shorter breaks and such, I am sure visits will be much less frequent.  My parents love them, and me, and when they were little, they went to a lot of effort to keep in contact often enough so that my kids knew them even as toddlers, despite very long distances (we both lived in different places then, but distances were about the same).  But my mom in particular has always been pretty peculiar about a lot of things, and exhausting and kind of hard to take.  I'm 45 years old, and I have never really figured out a way to stand up for myself or to fight nicely with them.  Distance really makes my relationship MUCH more manageable.  

I can totally understand this. My mil and til were very, very quirky and WEIRD when we visited. They even worse house guests. So as the kids aged, it just got tougher take in more than a short spurt. Then fil died. Mil moved near us, and man, at first that was rough, but she did also make a lot more effort, and eventually things got a lot better. Distance is a very good thing for many adult children to have. Mark and I feel that the first 10 years of our marriage spent living more than 1500 miles from each set of parents was very good for our relationship, and helped us form the necessary boundaries. His dad in particular was an opinionated interferer.

[katilac]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

They are also old enough to understand and be tolerant of the quirks of older people. 

She was really clear that it wasn't an 'older person' thing, though, and that it's been going on for forty years or more. Again, I think teaching young people to accommodate unreasonable demands, and give others control over even such personal actions as how much you eat, is a very bad idea. 

You can be extremely polite and loving and still not give in to someone's demands (even reasonable ones!). 

 

20 minutes ago, Terabith said:

My parents love them, and me, and when they were little, they went to a lot of effort to keep in contact often enough so that my kids knew them even as toddlers, despite very long distances 

And that's great, that's a wonderful thing, but somebody loving you and doing something good for you does not mean you have to give in to them about something completely unrelated. You don't want them to think that way about any significant others in their future, right? That because this person loves them and did some good things for them, they have to give in to their unreasonable demands? Or any demands at all? Again, it's okay to say 'no' just because you don't want to do something, it doesn't have to be an unreasonable request to turn it down. 

People are more than one thing. React to your mom as the particular situation dictates. She sounds very loving and positive in some ways, that's great, but it does not mean that it's then okay for her to dictate how much food your children eat, and compare them negatively to their cousins. Stick up for your kids, and encourage them to stick up for themselves, because that's the right thing for you to do. How your mom reacts is not in your control.  

 

Edited December 26, 2021 by katilac

[Tanaqui]

I think "your house your rules" only applies when the rules are reasonable.

So, "no bringing nut products because of a nut allergy" is a reasonable rule, or even "My child is so extremely allergic that we can't risk unvetted food AT ALL, so sorry".

But "No, no food at all, because, uh, it's TOO MUCH" is just not reasonable. This is a "Well, if you feel so strongly, I guess we won't be coming over to your house this year" thing for me, because it's absolutely absurd and controlling. What's the worst that happens if Terabith brings over "too much" food? She packs it all home again? C'mon.

[Faith-manor]

41 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

I think "your house your rules" only applies when the rules are reasonable.

So, "no bringing nut products because of a nut allergy" is a reasonable rule, or even "My child is so extremely allergic that we can't risk unvetted food AT ALL, so sorry".

But "No, no food at all, because, uh, it's TOO MUCH" is just not reasonable. This is a "Well, if you feel so strongly, I guess we won't be coming over to your house this year" thing for me, because it's absolutely absurd and controlling. What's the worst that happens if Terabith brings over "too much" food? She packs it all home again? C'mon.

Agreed. Health things trump other things. In this case, growing children need to be fed period, and making children miserable for 36-48 hours of being very hungry is NOT healthy emotional or mentally. Yes, they will likely survive that short time of lack of food -unless one of them has failure to thrive or other health issues (and I get that because my 2nd son was a failure to thrive baby and then went on to thriving but medically underweight to the place that even at 23, he has to eat 5500 calories a day in order to not lose weight, and still has 12 lbs to gain to be at the bare minimum his doctor wants him to be)- but there are other considerations. I cannot imagine being willing to do that under any circumstances and if I was going to be vilified for taking my children out to eat or bringing food, or if my kids were ridiculed for eating the amount of food I said they needed, this grandma would not be visited in her home EVER at meal time. AirBnB, and all the meals are at the rental without grandma or with grandma being given a huge warning about being bounced if she mentions my kids' food consumption? Sure. That would work. Meeting at a restaurant with the same warning? Sure. But an absolute not happening, the end, at her house if there would be no way to feed my children without drama from grandma or eating out with them sans comments from grandma.

I am probably sensitive about it since every time my son is home, I spend a great deal of time working out meals and calories/nutrition for him. He does an excellent job of it on his own, but it can be so ooo tiring working and grad school plus that. I like to give him a break from worrying about it.

[DawnM]

I admit that I did look online to see what places were open on Christmas Day because of our turkey fiasco.   Turns out several of our Indian restaurants were open.   We actually considered it.

I saw a couple of Chinese, but most of ours locally were closed.  

Denny's was open, Cracker Barrel was not.

And hitting up a CVS to see if they had any stuffing or yams was a consideration.