Finding our purpose - teens and adults

[SKL]

My girl has been a bit moody and in a funk lately.  With hormones and teen angst, she, like many her age, wonders if life is worth the trouble.

I tell her, among other things, that she needs to find her purpose.

And then I ask myself, did I ever find my purpose?  How does one actually go about finding one's purpose?

Thoughts?  Experiences?

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[prairiewindmomma]

The notion of having a purpose suggests that we have no value in and of ourselves.

That also suggests that those who have disabilities have less value because they can be of less purpose.

I find the notion of having a purpose to be common in some circles, but somewhat troubling.

[HomeAgain]

I don't believe life is about finding your purpose.

Life is about using cultivated skills to apply to several different areas.  I don't want a purpose, I want LOTS of purpose in the form of skills, experiences, and other things I can bring to the table.  I encourage my kids to do the same.  Oldest ds, just in his teen years, tried out:

• -basketball (found he loved being team manager)
• -math (loved being on math teams and other applications)
• -graphic design
• -scouting
• -volunteering in different capacities
• -working at the county fair
• -archery
• -computer programming & building
• -baking & cooking

We took him places, watched things together, and just watched him grow as a person by applying himself to different areas and trying new things.  Eventually he propelled himself into capable adulthood, where he works as a manager, slid into a weekend job with computers and graphic work, and cooks family meals once a week.  His purpose is just living and figuring out what experiences he wants to continue and what he wants to do next.

One of the things I think we lost over generations was the expectation of true responsibility at different ages.  It is hard to grow when you feel like what you do doesn't matter, even if it's something small.  Like, right now, ds11's main responsibility is time management, and when he screws that up, he knows there will be a domino effect in everyone else's life.   But responsibility, especially those that are chosen by ourselves, create meaning for us.

[fairfarmhand]

I don’t think of a “big plan” kind of thing.  That’s a lot for a kid (and an adult) But more of an encouragement to take advantage of opportunities on a daily basis to make others feel good about themselves and make the place I am in a better place.

[regentrude]

The way out of depression for me was to let go of the search for a "purpose". I find that searching deeply for one's "meaning" and "purpose" can lead to a severe crisis and doubt in the value of one's own existence.
It would not occur to me to pressure a teenager to have an answer to a question that can drive middle aged adults to wonder why they stay alive. 

Edited October 17, 2021 by regentrude

[mommyoffive]

I agree with everyone's thoughts already.  And for me as a person, i think my purpose has changed over time.  My purpose at 15 is/was different than it is now.  Even my purpose day to day is different.  But I think there is so much pressure on teens to have everything all figured out.  I try to get my teens to try new things and just kind of go with different experiences that life can throw at you.  Not to figure out what you want to be right now.  But that you might go down a road for a little bit and then go down another road after a bit too.  

[kristin0713]

I think for a teen that they need to find their “thing” or a few things. 

[Terabith]

Worrying about finding a purpose is a guaranteed way to slide into serious depression.  I mean, have you read any existentialists?  Finding things that are enjoyable is a good goal.  Reminding yourself that you have intrinsic worth is important.  Does this kid have a therapist?  I get worried when any teen starts wondering if life is worth living, even though that is a common thing for (depressed) teens to wonder about.  

[bookbard]

I agree with most of the above. I find that when you're depressed, you often perseverate on what is the meaning, what is the purpose, round and round. It's when you're happy that you don't spend a lot of time thinking of those things. Honestly it's having new experiences within a comfortable routine that seems to decrease anxiety. You don't want to wake up panicking each day - what do I do now - but you also don't want to wake bored - I know exactly how today is going to go. New experiences can be new places to hike or see, new movies or books, new learning challenges. 

 

[regentrude]

@SKL what I would actually suggest to a teen is to identify things that give them JOY.  Something they find interesting. Reassure them that this is all they need to be concerned about in the now. The rest will follow.
Focus on direct experience, at the expense of introspection. In my experience, the last thing a depressed individual needs is more introspection.

Edited October 17, 2021 by regentrude

[Tanaqui]

Your daughter wonders if "life is worth the trouble"? What does her therapist say to tell her? She IS seeing a therapist, isn't she? Because unless you're being hyperbolic, you sound like you're trying to minimize depression with suicidal ideation here by chalking it up to "hormones" and stressing that it's totally normal because she's young.

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

@SKL what I would actually suggest to a teen is to identify things that give them JOY.  Something they find interesting. Reassure them that this is all they need to be concerned about in the now. The rest will follow.
Focus on direct experience, at the expense of introspection. In my experience, the last thing a depressed individual needs is more introspection.

Yes, learning to live in the right now is so helpful. Being too future focused tends to produce anxiety. Being too past focused tends to produce depression. Staying present for the beauty of today is life giving.

[kristin0713]

1 hour ago, kristin0713 said:

I think for a teen that they need to find their “thing” or a few things. 

I started to reply earlier and got sidetracked and didn't realized I had replied 😂

What I meant to say was, they need to find their thing, or some things, that interest them.  Get exposure to different activities and focus on things that interest them.  Find social outlets with other kids doing things that they enjoy.  Teens are really young to find an ultimate "purpose", but pursuing some things with dedication is very rewarding and will help them develop into the adult that they are meant to be. 

[PeterPan]

She sounds depressed and like she needs help, not a Rick Warren book. This is not something to mess around with. I'd get her into a doctor or figure out what is causing the depression, pronto.

[Rosie_0801]

I think it is common for teens to wish for more control over their lives, but modern life doesn't provide many opportunities where it is safe to let them.

My daughter is gaining benefit from her budgeting challenge, where I give her a certain amount of money to shop and cook for herself. She does this for a week each school holidays. I suggested this to my friend, who's dd is two years younger than mine, who was displaying maths refusal and the general suffering of a teenage girl with a riot of much younger brothers living in a small house. Now friend's dd is budgeting and cooking for herself each weekend. At first she felt anxious about it, but when she was given some validation from her mother, my daughter and I that she wasn't doing a bad job of it, she's found it rather empowering. Our daughters are in different situations so require different rules to encourage their learning in the right direction, but they both suffer from feeling a lack of control in their lives and this is helping. 

This may not do your daughter any good, but I thought I'd throw it out there as a technique working for a couple of kids I know.

I tell my daughter our purpose is to evolve. Learn stuff and use it to make life more comfortable, more interesting, etc. What stuff? Whatever is on offer or you can arrange for yourself. Whatever it is will probably come in handy some time.

[TexasProud]

Very, very interesting. I also thought you had to have a purpose. Otherwise what good is life. You are wasting it if you do not achieve your purpose.  Interesting to read the other responses. Thank you for sharing everyone. Y'all are the best!

[Garga]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Very, very interesting. I also thought you had to have a purpose. Otherwise what good is life. You are wasting it if you do not achieve your purpose.  Interesting to read the other responses. Thank you for sharing everyone. Y'all are the best!

A wise and gentle pastor I used to have would tell us that we are human beings, not human doings. It was a little play on words, but he saw too many people scrambling around trying to find purpose in activities, and he wanted us to know that it’s ok to simply be. It’s ok to simply be the creation that God made to fellowship with, without having to prove our worth or do anything to deserve God’s attention and love.

There is always balance of course. I mean, he was a pastor, so obviously he was doing something, but I hope you understand what he was trying to convey: sometimes it’s not about the doing and is simply about the being.

[TexasProud]

9 minutes ago, Garga said:

A wise and gentle pastor I used to have would tell us that we are human beings, not human doings. It was a little play on words, but he saw too many people scrambling around trying to find purpose in activities, and he wanted us to know that it’s ok to simply be. It’s ok to simply be the creation that God made to fellowship with, without having to prove our worth or do anything to deserve God’s attention and love.

There is always balance of course. I mean, he was a pastor, so obviously he was doing something, but I hope you understand what he was trying to convey: sometimes it’s not about the doing and is simply about the being.

Love that. Such a beautiful sentiment.

[Drama Llama]

. . . .

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[regentrude]

26 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 I also thought you had to have a purpose. Otherwise what good is life. You are wasting it if you do not achieve your purpose.  

Defining oneself through purpose is a very slippery slope. What is the purpose of a person who cannot achieve their goals? Who is disabled? Who cannot make a productive contribution to society?
I have heard the sentiment that such a  person's purpose is to be a learning or caretaking opportunity for somebody else, and I found this horribly offensive.
If we must justify our existence through achieving our purpose, then what does that say for the value of life of a coma patient? Have they earned their existence through their life prior? What about a disabled infant?
The ethical and philosophical implications are huge.

The striving for purpose is dangerously entwined with perfectionism and protestant work ethic, both of which are deeply harmful to the human soul. I'd rather we are not required to justify our existence and merely feeling joy and love are enough.

Edited October 18, 2021 by regentrude

[TexasProud]

3 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I'd rather we are not required to justify our existence and merely feeling joy and love are enough.

So if you don't feel joy or love then your existence cannot be justified???  Same slippery slope. However you define it, some people cannot achieve it. 

But extremely good points about the disabled and such. You are always so thoughtful regentrude. I always enjoy your posts whether I agree with them or not. Thanks for the input. I appreciate it!

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

So if you don't feel joy or love then your existence cannot be justified???  Same slippery slope. However you define it, some people cannot achieve it. 

But extremely good points about the disabled and such. You are always so thoughtful regentrude. I always enjoy your posts whether I agree with them or not. Thanks for the input. I appreciate it!

that was just an example. Feel something.
I was thinking of how even a severely disabled individual experiences joy from caring touch, pleasant sounds, being fed. 

I would have a hard time seeing any point in an existence that is devoid of anything pleasant, or at least the capacity to experience anything. 
 

Edited October 18, 2021 by regentrude

[Pam in CT]

You've gotten really, really good feedback already.  Joy, connection, fun things to do > "purpose."  She has value, and her life has value, because she is human, not because of her purpose or productivity.

 

I would only concur with several pp that

8 hours ago, SKL said:

My girl has been a bit moody and in a funk lately.  With hormones and teen angst, she, like many her age, wonders if life is worth the trouble....

is **perilously close** to suicidal ideation. 

It's mighty hard to hear that from your kid, and easy to discount it or attribute it to mood or age or angst or hormones.  And god willing that's what it is. But please don't assume that's all it is.   Speaking from the heart here.

 

 

 

(( SKL )) and (( SKL's daughter )) .  Holding you both in the light.

[TexasProud]

10 minutes ago, regentrude said:

that was just an example. Feel something.
I was thinking of how even a severely disabled individual experiences joy from caring touch, pleasant sounds, being fed. 

I would have a hard time seeing any point in an existence that is devoid of anything pleasant, or at least the capacity to experience anything. 
 

Well, see I rarely feel the way I am supposed to feel, but I can get satisfaction from doing what I am supposed to do, for being a good Christian and/or a good citizen. For helping my fellow man. It may not make me feel happy, but I know it is the right thing to do!  My first therapist complemented me on not relying on my feelings. But instead doing things anyway. 

[Junie]

I guess for me (as a Christian) I believe that I was created for the purpose of bringing glory to God.  The fact that I exist is enough.  So, in that, I feel no pressure.  God loves me, no matter what.

When I think about someone "finding their purpose", that seems different -- like it should be a different word.  Maybe finding a goal (or goals) in life might be a better way to phrase it.  What will make me happy?  What kind of person do I want to be?  Who do I want to help?  And then the question becomes How.  How will I accomplish these things?

 

[TexasProud]

7 hours ago, Junie said:

I guess for me (as a Christian) I believe that I was created for the purpose of bringing glory to God.  The fact that I exist is enough.  So, in that, I feel no pressure.  God loves me, no matter what.

 

Ah, yes, but how do we bring that glory??? So do I bring more glory by delivering meals to the homeless or sitting at home watching Netflix. There is that whole parable of the talents thing as well. If I just bury my talents, (which though in the parable means money, I believe my original thinking as a child that the talents God gave us works as well), then not only am I not glorifying God but he will not be pleased with me. I so desperately want to hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant!"

[ScoutTN]

As a Christian, I would say that my purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.

But that can look like a zillion different things and is essentially restful, not stress creating. Keeps the Big Picture in my mind as I am wrapped up in life’s details, in any stage of life. My identity is in Christ and that does not change. It gives freedom to venture out into the world without placing my value or the meaning of my life in my accomplishments or my current emotional satisfaction. My reference point is outside of myself, in God and his Word, and his Church.

 

Agree with many of the pp about  exploring, finding what she loves, building competencies, setting goals, and also about professional help if your post accurately reflects her own language and general attitude.
 

Some people know their vocation very early in life, most do not. It’s fine to not as a teen, but our culture often makes them feel otherwise. 

Edited October 18, 2021 by ScoutTN

[SKL]

Sounds like I again failed to communicate well ... or people are reading a lot into a few words.  We have had many many conversations and of course there's much more to the picture.  I wasn't asking how to solve all my kid's problems, but just about the narrow topic of finding one's purpose.

What I see my kid going through reflects a lot of what I went through at her age.  The things I tell her are based on what I think help her the most.  I don't want to share too much because it's her personal information.

The reason I asked the question is that after that conversation, I thought, what if she comes back and asks me how to find one's purpose, or what that looked like in my life?  And while I could give answers, I wanted some inspiration from other moms as well.

Of course I always tell my kids they don't need to decide right now what they are going to do with their lives.  I always say they should keep their options open and prepare for different possibilities.  However, the context of the comment in the OP was that my daughter was feeling like she sees little point in being alive (and yes, I've addressed this in multiple ways, not just words).

This kid has always been a very deep thinker.  She is very bright, but her brain is underutilized because she isn't excited about much nowadays.  She is way too hardheaded to just do things because I think they would be good for her.  It has to be her idea.  And she has a pretty interesting life.  Her beloved horse, pup, music, family, and friends.  Books, travel, cooking, crafts.  She does a lot and has lots to look forward to.  But yeah, she's in a funk these days.

After the above conversation, it seems like something clicked, and she's gotten more proactive and in a better mood.  Could just be a coincidence, who knows?

But back to the topic - purpose.  As a teen, I believed my purpose was to solve the problems of kids with reading challenges.  That didn't end up happening, at least not on the scale I expected.  As an adult years into my career, I did an exercise and figured out that my main useful talent is organizing things.  Not very exciting, but it doesn't have to be exciting, does it?  But I would have to think awhile to articulate what my "purpose" is.

People turning this into "people with challenges have no value" are really on the wrong track here.  My kids know I don't think like that at all.  So I'm not worried about that.

[Tanaqui]

Quote

She is very bright, but her brain is underutilized because she isn't excited about much nowadays.  She is way too hardheaded to just do things because I think they would be good for her.  It has to be her idea.  And she has a pretty interesting life.  Her beloved horse, pup, music, family, and friends.  Books, travel, cooking, crafts.  She does a lot and has lots to look forward to.  But yeah, she's in a funk these days.

The DSM-5 outlines the following criterion to make a diagnosis of depression. The individual must be experiencing five or more symptoms during the same 2-week period and at least one of the symptoms should be either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.

1. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.
2. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.
3. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
4. A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).
5. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.
6. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.
7. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.
8. Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

https://www.psycom.net/depression-definition-dsm-5-diagnostic-criteria/

 

What you describe is two out of five. Maybe you think that's not something to get too worked up over, but one of those five is a real doozy. In fact, talking about life not having a purpose is considered a key marker of suicide risk.

There are four possibilities here, but let's focus on just two of them:

You're right, nothing's wrong, but you take your daughter to a professional anyway. A few sessions later nothing bad has happened and you stop going.

You're wrong, something is very wrong, but you decide you must be right and you don't take her to a therapist. She doesn't get better without help. What happens next?

[SKL]

8 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

...

There are four possibilities here, but let's focus on just two of them:

You're right, nothing's wrong, but you take your daughter to a professional anyway. A few sessions later nothing bad has happened and you stop going.

You're wrong, something is very wrong, but you decide you must be right and you don't take her to a therapist. She doesn't get better without help. What happens next?

How about the third possibility - you don't know most of the story, including what I may or may not be thinking and doing.  Gosh, I don't need this.

Edited October 18, 2021 by SKL

[TexasProud]

Just now, SKL said:

How about the third possibility - you don't know most of the story, including what I may or may not be thinking and doing.  Gosh, I don't need this.

I agree. 

[J-rap]

I agree with others that believing there's one specific "purpose" for your life will likely bring disappointment eventually.  I'm not talking about faith itself, but the idea that we all have some specific purpose or calling that we just need to uncover.  That puts a burden on us to make sure we find it, and also puts expectations on us to believe that if we find our true purpose, our lives will go smoothly.  I've never read The Purpose Driven Life (purposely avoided it), but I think that also pushes the belief that we're all created for a specific purpose that we need to discover. 

For children/teens, I think helping them find things that interest them is critical.  Some kids seem to know how to discover those things on their own, other kids need more guidance and encouragement.  it might mean helping them develop different skills so that they can try new things.  It might be a part-time job or volunteer work that challenges them but ultimately helps them feel good about themselves and their accomplishments.

I've read about clinics in our area that work with teens going through a crisis, and part of that includes setting up scheduled volunteer work for them -- something that's a very "hands-on helping others" experience.  They've found that getting those teens out of their own heads and instead actively helping others often seems to change their brain pathways.

As a Christian, I struggle with saying my purpose is simply to bring glory to God, because I think that can be misdirected sometimes.  (I'm not referring to those above who said it!)   I personally believe that the correct way of doing that is by showing compassion for others and letting people know that their lives are valued.  That can be done in small ways throughout our day with all types of people.   Having an other-oriented frame of mind brings glory to God, and working to develop that mindset shines a different focus on any activity.  I guess I've never really had a very focused life purpose other than that.    But that's different than finding interests and activities.  That's just trial and error until some things click!

Oh one other thought...  It sounds like your dd is very bright and a deep thinker, and I do think those types of people naturally struggle more with the big questions.  I don't know if being that way ever really changes...  you just get comfortable knowing that you don't know for sure.  Then I think part of our job as parents can be to let our children like that know that it's totally okay to not have all the answers to the big questions of life.  I really appreciate our pastor -- who is extremely bright and in-his-head, because he'll often admit that he struggles with the same things.  

 

 

 

[SKL]

Also, to clarify, I wasn't talking about purpose in the Christian sense.  I don't think you have to be a devout Christian to believe everyone is here for a reason.  And I do believe we're all here for a reason.  And I really don't agree that that's a bad message to tell our kids.  I think it's pretty normal for young people to be still searching for what their reason/purpose is.

I think that in the case of my kid (like me at her age), just knowing there are good / fun things she can do now is not gonna fill that hole.  She already knows and has all of that.  But something is still missing.

Edited October 18, 2021 by SKL

[PeterPan]

31 minutes ago, SKL said:

After the above conversation, it seems like something clicked, and she's gotten more proactive and in a better mood. 

I'm glad she's feeling a bit better! 

I think it's normal to be asking questions. I remember a point in college where I was like "If I could understand what my point is, then I could go do it." And I remember this (kind of morbid, haha) line of thought a middle school Bible teacher had made saying we should know what we want on our tombstone and then we'd know how to live. And years later I could look back at that and realize it was silly, that what goes there might differ with the person, that people differ.

So it's good that she's asking questions and it's great that she perked up a bit. I don't think it's necessary to view this as *all* one way or another. I *also* had some tendency toward anxiety and depression (which we now treat with 5HTP, etc. because we ran the genetics and know the cause) and that was amplifying it. And I think that's what people are responding too, that it's probably not *all* one thing or another. 

Just to toss out a suggestion, https://www.amazon.com/Quest-Love-Stories-Passion-Purity/dp/0800758218/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=quest+for+love&qid=1634569833&sr=8-1  Remember it has been a LONG time since I read this book, lol. But what I'm connecting to here is the idea of it being more important who you are and letting the what you will do, who you will marry, etc. come naturally. I'm sort of in the Frozen "Do the next right thing" camp on this. 

I heard the explanation in college from a Bible professor that in the army you know what they want you to do when they put the bazooka in your hands. Now that may not be totally precise, because of course even in the military you get choices of trainings and directions to go. But it's something I think about for myself, for my kids. Life changes, my skill sets change, situations change, and I look at it and go what is the bazooka in my hands, what should I be doing RIGHT NOW? 

[PeterPan]

12 minutes ago, J-rap said:

one specific "purpose"

I know! My dd went to college and came back saying she needed to find something, think up a plan. I'm like HOGWASH. Be the right person and do the things you see and know to do. Think about how much we CHANGE over the years and how many of us on the boards have evolved in our homeschooling, our skill sets. We may have lived multiple different paths and lives by the time we are done!

14 minutes ago, J-rap said:

As a Christian, I struggle with saying my purpose is simply to bring glory to God

There are always multiple perspectives on life, events, spiritual things. From our perspective, we are to be "making God BIG". This means making Him seen, pointing Him out to our kids. From God's perspective, He is doing things in the world in such a way that even the angels stand amazed. So I agree that trying to view the same world from this other perspective, that God is doing things that are way beyond us, way bigger than us, and not completely about us, is kind of mind boggling. It's a good thing to grapple with. (Romans)

It sounds like op's dd is having a lot of questions and questions are good. Being depressed, anxious, or in a funk is not good, and I think there are probably quite a few of us on the boards who look back and know that our struggles were a mixture of things. 

[PeterPan]

13 minutes ago, SKL said:

I think that in the case of my kid (like me at her age), just knowing there are good / fun things she can do is not gonna fill that hole.  She already knows and has all of that.  But something is still missing.

Has she thought about attending a christian college or reading christian authors? Elizabeth Elliott, missionary biographies, these are great places to start. Sounds like a pile of Christmas presents. 🙂

Has she found a tribe of peers who are thinking like her? There are christian colleges who do summer camps where she might meet kids asking the same questions and thinking the way she is. It's a way to make friends, try schools, and venture out.

Edited October 18, 2021 by PeterPan

[Spryte]

28 minutes ago, SKL said:

Also, to clarify, I wasn't talking about purpose in the Christian sense.  I don't think you have to be a devout Christian to believe everyone is here for a reason.  And I do believe we're all here for a reason.  And I really don't agree that that's a bad message to tell our kids.  I think it's pretty normal for young people to be still searching for what their reason/purpose is.

I think that in the case of my kid (like me at her age), just knowing there are good / fun things she can do is not gonna fill that hole.  She already knows and has all of that.  But something is still missing.

Not sure if I’m on target, disregard if not: it sounds like you are encouraging her to find what I’d call her passion. Maybe you disagree with that, but I’m thinking there’s a disconnect between your use of the word “purpose” and some other interpretations. Or maybe not!

If I think of it as “purpose” — it’s easy to see the overwhelming nature of that. For a teen, it could be intimidating, and all encompassing, and just too big a concept. My teen — a deep thinker prone to anxiety — can’t handle the pressure of “purpose.” But he can handle the basic, scaled down concept, phrased differently. 

When I read your words, though, it sounds to me like you are encouraging her to find that thing (concept, issue, activity, whatever) that drives her, and makes getting out of bed each day an adventure or at least gives it some some purpose/meaning? Maybe? I could be wrong, maybe projecting, because that is what I want for my son. I want him to find that thing that drives him, not just activities and friends. Isabella Allende addressed this in a talk I saw ages ago, about wanting more for our kids than just “being happy.” …But that’s too much for my deep thinking, prone to depression and anxiety kid — at least for now. 

And it’s fine if this is totally, completely off base. If it’s not off base, I have more thoughts, but will stop since this could be heading completely the wrong direction.

ETA: I’m not speaking from a Christian perspective, and given the turn this thread has taken … if that’s what you’re looking for, I should bow out even if the above isn’t heading in the right direction. That’s just not my frame of reference.

Edited October 18, 2021 by Spryte

[TexasProud]

This thread makes me think of the movie about Eric Liddle : Chariots of Fire.  I am going to be paraphrasing here, but he ran because he could feel the pleasure of God as he ran. The other guy ran and he had 3 minutes or whatever to prove the worth of his existence. (or something like that)

And Eric Liddel was a missionary to China after that was put into a Japanese internment camp and taught chemistry to some people in there if I am remembering right. He drew the lab equipment so well that one of his students found it easy to transition when they were eventually freed and she went to college/med school I cannot remember.  Well, actually Eric Liddel died in the camp. So much more to his story than just the Olympics.

[J-rap]

27 minutes ago, SKL said:

Also, to clarify, I wasn't talking about purpose in the Christian sense.  I don't think you have to be a devout Christian to believe everyone is here for a reason.  And I do believe we're all here for a reason.  And I really don't agree that that's a bad message to tell our kids.  I think it's pretty normal for young people to be still searching for what their reason/purpose is.

I think that in the case of my kid (like me at her age), just knowing there are good / fun things she can do now is not gonna fill that hole.  She already knows and has all of that.  But something is still missing.

I think a general overriding philosophy -- which I also think is true for everyone no matter their religious views, backgrounds, etc. -- is certainly helpful, especially for those big and deep thinkers.  Because you're right, just going from one good or fun activity or focus to another will not fill that hole for some people.  That's when I get back to living this life with an other-oriented frame of mind, which I do believe can change everything.  But finding a specific purpose that's kind of our specific calling other than that... well, some people are lucky and find one, but most people go through life trying out different things, changing, growing, shifting...and those "purposes" change.  

I guess I wouldn't call that type of focus a "purpose or reason," but an activity (or passion) that feels fulfilling within a larger framework.

Edited October 18, 2021 by J-rap

[SKL]

16 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Has she thought about attending a christian college or reading christian authors? Elizabeth Elliott, missionary biographies, these are great places to start. Sounds like a pile of Christmas presents. 🙂

Has she found a tribe of peers who are thinking like her? There are christian colleges who do summer camps where she might meet kids asking the same questions and thinking the way she is. It's a way to make friends, try schools, and venture out.

Right now she's disenchanted with Christianity.

[PeterPan]

1 minute ago, J-rap said:

That's when I get back to living this life with an other-oriented frame of mind,

And doing it with *peers* who are asking those questions. That's when it starts to come together, when you find a college or a peer group where people are asking the questions you are. 

[PeterPan]

Just now, SKL said:

Right now she's disenchanted with Christianity.

Go back to square one then. What is the correlation? Something happened, she's not feeling well? I definitely wouldn't feed a negative thought process.

Is there something basic like her vitamin D is low? It's that time of year when we need to bump up. Blood work, visit to the doctor, check the D and thyroid.

[Junie]

13 hours ago, Junie said:

...

When I think about someone "finding their purpose", that seems different -- like it should be a different word.  Maybe finding a goal (or goals) in life might be a better way to phrase it.  What will make me happy?  What kind of person do I want to be?  Who do I want to help?  And then the question becomes How.  How will I accomplish these things?

 

 

19 minutes ago, Spryte said:

Not sure if I’m on target, disregard if not: it sounds like you are encouraging her to find what I’d call her passion. Maybe you disagree with that, but I’m thinking there’s a disconnect between your use of the word “purpose” and some other interpretations. Or maybe not!

...

 

Yes -- this is the word I was trying to find!

[SKL]

3 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

And doing it with *peers* who are asking those questions. That's when it starts to come together, when you find a college or a peer group where people are asking the questions you are. 

I think she has no friends who really think like her.  She does have others in her life who at least try to "get" her.  It is what it is.

[SKL]

Re passion - she has "passions."  They don't easily translate into purpose though.  A focus on passion without purpose makes for a shallow existence, and I do believe that's part of where she's at.

[wintermom]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

Of course I always tell my kids they don't need to decide right now what they are going to do with their lives.  I always say they should keep their options open and prepare for different possibilities. 

This is exactly what I've been trying to communicate to my 4 teen/young adult children at this stage in their lives - keeping options open and preparing for possibilities. This involves them making some decisions of what they like to do, what they could see themselves doing in the future, and how to build competence and confidence in these areas. I see the 'purpose' of these early stages of adulthood as exploration about themselves and a journey into discovering what gives them meaning and satisfaction in life. Because up until adulthood, most kids have a practical purpose in their parent's house of pleasing their parents in a lot of ways, and some kids get stuck on transitioning through this. It's pretty overwhelming to switch from pleasing others to figuring out how to leave home, support one's self financially and also find life satisfaction. 

 

[SKL]

Like a year or two ago, she was gonna marry her favorite pop musician, buy her favorite horse, and carve out some sort of niche that would financially support all of her passions.  But growing more mature, developing a more realistic view of the world, and knowing she is not far from having to choose a college / major, I think maybe it's kinda hitting her hard.

[Spryte]

2 minutes ago, SKL said:

Re passion - she has "passions."  They don't easily translate into purpose though.  A focus on passion without purpose makes for a shallow existence, and I do believe that's part of where she's at.

Ah, yeh, I agree, like I was saying about the Isabel Allende talk - happiness is too shallow - but passion was the best word I could find. I don’t mean like hobbies or things one enjoys doing, so maybe it’s not the right word either. Like purpose, but a step down in intimidation factor, more fluid and able to change throughout one’s life. Purpose feels like it’s locking one in for life, to some kids. My kid has not found his—whatever it is—though he has a serious drive, something that gets him out of bed at 6:30 every day so he can work on it. It’s a hobby type passion, but it’s not a purpose, nor is it the thing that I’m trying to name which is something else, perhaps. I could be wrong, but maybe some of us find that later in life.

I think transitioning to college and choosing a major, leaving home, it’s just a very stressful time. I’m waiting on my kid to find his legs, too. In the meantime, we have a therapist, meds, and lots of scaffolding in place. We do a lot of talking about what I think you call purpose, but we articulate differently. (Unless you mean each person has one and only one purpose throughout life, and it’s not fluid, in which case—nope, maybe not the same.)

I also have a 30 yr old who, I would say, has only just now found his place in the world. He had a harder road than most kids though, and it took a loss of epic proportions to get there. Can’t say he’s the norm! Pretty sure your kid will find what she needs sooner than that.

[Kassia]

13 minutes ago, SKL said:

  But growing more mature, developing a more realistic view of the world, and knowing she is not far from having to choose a college / major, I think maybe it's kinda hitting her hard.

My daughter went through this.  It was a very hard time for her and we were concerned and didn't know how to support her through it.  She's much better now - I wish the same for your daughter!  ❤️