vacation with extended family -- jawm

[mom@shiloh]

My mil just sent us an invitation for a cruise. We would need to pay our airfare, but she plans to cover the cost of the cruise. We need to sign up within the week to get the best price. She emphasized how important this was to her and how much she wants everyone to be able to come. Lovely and generous of her -- we'd love to go, we'd enjoy spending time with dh's siblings. Here's the thing:  she chose a week in September. Dh and I are both educators. We simply can't just take off an entire week of school. With school just getting started and the activities that our kids are involved with then, it's almost the busiest time of the year for us. My dh and I are by far the youngest, so everyone else is retired and can go whenever.  We are also the only ones with children still at home.  I don't expect them to center their plans around us, but if they'd like to include us, it would have been nice to ask when we had fall break and try to make the plans around that. 

Long ago, my extended family would occasionally take a trip together as well.  They would stay in expensive hotels and eat out for every meal. We were struggling financially and couldn't pull that off, so we couldn't go. 

I am content with my life and happy in what I do, but something like this makes me feel sad and left out. It makes me feel like our families don't understand our lives or just don't care.

 

[scholastica]

We’ve had that happen to us. Even had in-laws discuss with each other what our childcare arrangements should be without our input. Those involved my divorced sister,who had kids of her own and dogs, to travel 750 miles to watch my kids for a week. All without even checking with us. Then putting us on the spot and basically guilting us when I had to explain all the ways that wouldn’t work. No fun.

Edited October 7, 2019 by scholastica
Edited for clarity

[mom@shiloh]

I looked at the itinerary, which was probably a mistake. It's a 7 night cruise, so including travel there and back, (opposite coast for us) it will be at least a ten day commitment from us. Ummm, who's going to stay with my kids and drive them to their activities; not to mention the commitment that dh and I have to our students who are paying us for their education. 

[MysteryJen]

I am sorry. You must be so disappointed and frustrated. I would be, too.

Your story makes me so thankful for my dmil, who asked for our calendars six months in advance and planned things so everyone could come. Her planning has been a good lesson for us in coordinating things for my kids.

[Arctic Bunny]

Been there! Except everyone was paying their own, and it would *only* be $10,000 for us, plus excursions, etc. Gulp. Sucks being the only part of the family that doesn’t have that money sitting around for a vacation with a couple months notice 😞

Edited October 7, 2019 by arctic_bunny

[Storygirl]

I'm sorry. I would be very frustrated, too. I think the only thing you can do is send a polite message back, thanking her for thinking of you and expressing regret that you are not able to go, because you cannot take the time off of work and have obligations with the kids that cannot be rearranged. But you hope they have fun. I would not say much more than that.

Hopefully she will be understanding; perhaps she didn't consider that you would have hurdles that would make it difficult to go and got carried away by her excitement.

If she is the type of person who will express to you her feelings of sadness and try to project guilt onto you (whether on purpose or not), perhaps you can have your husband be the one to inform her and handle any fallout.

[katilac]

If it makes you feel any better, I have found that vacations where I 'just' have to pay for certain things wind up costing me about as much as paying for everything (had it been one of the typical vacations we planned and took ourselves).  Even if paying for the cruise means she's paying for tips and excursions (and I wouldn't assume that unless she specified), there are a lot of other 'extras' and there'd probably be a bit of pressure to participate in some of them. I had a similar offer, and the tips alone added up to about a third of our typical vacation!

And yeah, we weren't the only ones working, but we were the only ones who found it hard enough to take one week off of work, much less two. I actually don't think dh has ever taken two weeks off at once in his entire career since our honeymoon, he hasn't had the types of jobs that lend themselves to that. 

It's hurtful, but you may have dodged a bullet by not being able to go. 

[catz]

48 minutes ago, Medicmom2.0 said:

I’m sorry. I’ve found that very well intentioned people seem to forget what it’s like to have jobs and kids once they’re out of that stage. Your MIl probably found a great cruise deal for that particular week and didn’t even think.

My mom never had kids in brick and mortar school, but none of her children have chosen to homeschool.  She’s always coming up with great things to do with the grandkids, but it’s always during the week. She means well, it’s just that school days with kids were never part of her life and she forgets.

I think this is true.  So many people struggle to see beyond their own bubble in the world.  We have everyone trained to check in with us about calendar now if they really want to include us but it took some time and our kids are teen/college freshman now. 

I certainly wouldn't feel any guilt about it.  But I'm sorry if you are disappointed.  I might encourage my spouse to tell them that you are disappointed you weren't included date planning and why that doesn't work for educators.   That just seems like a no brainer to me.  I'm sorry!

[kbutton]

15 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

The “we really want you to come” rings hollow when there was no forethought given to the ability of those asked to travel. Sigh. 

Precisely.

Thankfully, we aren't always being asked to spend money to make this happen. Unfortunately, the guilt often comes in some variation of someone having little side conversations with my kids about how "God is going to work it out for you to come." 

[mom@shiloh]

I'm sure that my mil is just completely clueless about this, but she shouldn't be; and my sil (who is likely helping her with this) shouldn't be either. 

A month ago there was a family event and we couldn't go to that one either. A sil planned it, but it was more about what worked for her children and their families than it was about extended family. Absolutely fine. No hurt feelings whatsoever. It was clear that she had to make the plans centered around what worked best for them. But, my mil mentioned it when she issued the invitation. She talked about what a lovely time that was and how she'd like to be able to do that again in a year. Oh. Did you notice that we couldn't come?  That we said that we'd love to, but that September just can't work for us?  No. Sigh.

 

[SKL]

There is never going to be a date that works for everyone.  Don't take it personally.  The folks probably had a good reason for the date they chose.  Just respond that you're sorry you can't make it and you hope everyone has a great time.  Your chance to cruise at leisure will come!  🙂

[PeterPan]

2 hours ago, mom@shiloh said:

she chose a week in September.

Who in the world PLANS to cruise in September??? You're going to Alaska or the Mediterranean, right? That's prime hurricaine season in the Caribbean, the WORST. I adore cruising (having been a whopping 1 time now, haha), and I would flat TURN THAT DOWN if it's the caribbean. That's nuts. It's a bad time of year for your work and it's the worst time to go, the time you're most likely to get seasick, have disruptions, have stress. Tell her you'll go next Jan/Feb. 

Edited October 7, 2019 by PeterPan

[Katy]

I'd probably let DH respond because I've found if people are being unreasonable they take the boundary better from him, especially if the person is in his family.  If I had to I'd say, "Obviously you know we can never travel in September, especially not for 10 days!  Hope you have fun.  Make sure you buy travel insurance, my friend Katy from Florida said September is the worst for hurricanes."

If they respond something about using vacation I'd say,  "We'd love to go on a family trip in the time we have scheduled off.  That's Spring break, Fall break, Winter break, and Summer break.  And we're not going on a long vacation without our children.   If those times don't work for you we might re-evaluate in 20 years when we retire." 

And then I would have a very hard time not adding a passive aggressive, "Hope you can still travel then!"

[katilac]

19 minutes ago, Katy said:

 And then I would have a very hard time not adding a passive aggressive, "Hope you can still travel then!"

😂 You're really feeling this thread!

[Katy]

3 minutes ago, katilac said:

😂 You're really feeling this thread!

 

Yeah, well my MIL is such a piece of work I might identify a bit...

[SKL]

Could it be that they chose September because prices are low because few people can travel (or want to)?

Either way, it's fine.  They should do what they want as retirees.

Honestly, I think I would rather NOT travel with the whole extended family anyway.

[katilac]

45 minutes ago, SKL said:

Either way, it's fine.  They should do what they want as retirees.

Honestly, I think I would rather NOT travel with the whole extended family anyway.

They should definitely do what they want, but then they shouldn't emphasize how important it is to them that everybody come. 

But I feel you on just as well skipping it to begin with! 

[Carrie12345]

I’m sorry!

My mom wanted me to come for a nearly-spontaneous visit at the beginning of September. She knew dh would be going to her area for work. He couldn’t take the extra time to drive, and I don’t have plane fare for 5-6 plus pet boarding, plus an extra hotel room just laying around. That’s also when co-op starts, so the kids have classes and I teach and volunteer. It was also when my dds were planning to have college classes. And they both have jobs.

I have no idea what she was thinking.  She’s a pretty busy person, herself. I think she’s forgotten the exponent when it comes to school aged kids!

[mom@shiloh]

I am sure that September was chosen because there was a good deal on the cruise, and I have no problem with everyone else going. No one else homeschools and they never have, so they don't understand that when my kids have sports practice, I'm the one who has to drive them. Their kids got picked up by a bus to go to school. They went directly from school to practices. They probably had friends or neighbors who lived nearby who went to the same school who could drop them off at home. They just don't get it that all of this falls on me. They don't get it that the closest homeschooler lives 15 minutes away from me and doesn't necessarily participate in the same things that my kids do. They also don't get it that I'd have kids all by themselves at home for 7 days. That's a long time for my kids to be alone. They don't get it that my kids need me to be here to homeschool them. They don't get it that I have responsibilities to teach co-op classes and to get my kids to those classes.  Ugh. I am frustrated that no one makes an effort to understand what I do. Probably that's the underlying thing -- when we see our families, NO ONE ever asks me about homeschooling or shows any interest in anything that I do. Mostly this just rolls off of me, but not today. Alright, I'm going to be done complaining now. 🙂  Thanks for listening.

[unsinkable]

It would be a hard NO from me from the get-go if someone, *ANYONE*, expected me to vacation for a over a WEEK without my school-aged kids.

 

[Storygirl]

((hugs)) mom@shiloh

[happi duck]

12 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

It would be a hard NO from me from the get-go if someone, *ANYONE*, expected me to vacation for a over a WEEK without my school-aged kids.

 

Me too!

[mathnerd]

I actually don’t have any intention of leaving my school aged kid for days together to go on an Alaska cruise with my in-laws even if they paid for it!  So, I would not even consider that option even if I were invited. It would have been an automatic NO from me. Same for leaving child alone to go take care of older parents’ affairs. They need to make plans that can include everyone otherwise they need to have a lovely time with whoever is available!

[Garga]

4 hours ago, Medicmom2.0 said:

I’m sorry. I’ve found that very well intentioned people seem to forget what it’s like to have jobs and kids once they’re out of that stage. Your MIl probably found a great cruise deal for that particular week and didn’t even think.

100%.  My mil had a conversation about why my bil should take a day off work for something or other.  He patiently said, “I’m the only person in the office who can do X and so I have to be in the office that day.”  She got all upset and affronted that his bosses wouldn’t let him off as if they were Scrooge and my bil was a beleaguered Cratchitt. He was like, “It’s not that they’re denying me vacation, but I’m the ONLY person who can do X, so I HAVE to be there.  It’s my job.  It’s how I make my living!”  She just could not understand that people who work really honestly cannot take just any day off.  It has to be approved and sometimes it gets denied for reasonable reasons. She worked in a bank for decades.  She knows how this works, but forgot once she retired.

She also just thinks my dh will take off whenever she needs him too.  The thing is, he has a ton of vacation at this point in his career, so he usually does just take off when she needs him to, which only reinforced her belief that people who work can just take off whenever they want to.

3 hours ago, PeterPan said:

Who in the world PLANS to cruise in September??? You're going to Alaska or the Mediterranean, right? That's prime hurricaine season in the Caribbean, the WORST. I adore cruising (having been a whopping 1 time now, haha), and I would flat TURN THAT DOWN if it's the caribbean. That's nuts. It's a bad time of year for your work and it's the worst time to go, the time you're most likely to get seasick, have disruptions, have stress. Tell her you'll go next Jan/Feb. 

 HA!  That’s an excellent point.

3 hours ago, Katy said:

And then I would have a very hard time not adding a passive aggressive, "Hope you can still travel then!"

 hee hee

 

41 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

It would be a hard NO from me from the get-go if someone, *ANYONE*, expected me to vacation for a over a WEEK without my school-aged kids.

 

Yeah, that’s just weird.  I kinda think they didn’t really expect you to come and the whole, “We want everyone to come!” wasn’t really for you, but was for the other retired people.  Because that just doesn’t make a lick of sense to expect that from you!

Edited October 7, 2019 by Garga

[SKL]

Yeah, I missed that it would involve leaving school-aged kids behind.  Were they thinking the kids could stay with other relatives?

[Suzanne in ABQ]

That happened to us just last weekend.  My niece (who has never paid us any mind, and actually showed great disrespect and disdain for us for many years) was getting married in another state, and she chose September 28th for her wedding day. With my eldest in college, my youngest just starting high school, and my dh just starting a new job, there was no way we could all go.  I have one brother who is in the middle of an ugly custody battle, another who abhors all weddings (and has no love for this particular part of our family), and our mom is 89 years old, and hardly even leaves her apartment (there's no way she could travel and attend a wedding and a 5 hour reception). I can understand being disappointed that various circumstances would prevent my siblings from coming to my daughter's wedding, but I hope I would be understanding.  

We RSVP'd and got a phone call from my brother and his wife.  She was crying and he was ticked.  I heard, 'You've known about this for six months!  All my (SIL's) family is coming. We really wanted all of you to be here..."  My reply was, "I'm glad so many of your relatives are coming (they're coming home, incidentally), but I don't know what that has to do with me.  And, yes, we've known for six months about the wedding, and that we wouldn't all be able to attend because (your daughter) chose a date when we can't get away. Why didn't they choose a date in the summer, so that more of us would be available to come? I am coming, but dh and dc aren't going to be able get away.  

By brother actually hung up on our mom when she finally said that she couldn't go (He had talked her into going, but she had been fretting, not sleeping, just constantly worrying about every tiny aspect of air travel and staying in their house with drop in guests, strange routines and unfamiliar food, etc). 

As it turned out, I went alone, and represented the family.  I'm sad that my brother and SIL and niece had such unreasonable expectations, but we can't just drop everything for a niece who doesn't give a lick about us.  

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, unsinkable said:

It would be a hard NO from me from the get-go if someone, *ANYONE*, expected me to vacation for a over a WEEK without my school-aged kids.

 

 

1 hour ago, happi duck said:

Me too!

 

35 minutes ago, mathnerd said:

I actually don’t have any intention of leaving my school aged kid for days together to go on an Alaska cruise with my in-laws even if they paid for it!  So, I would not even consider that option even if I were invited. It would have been an automatic NO from me. Same for leaving child alone to go take care of older parents’ affairs. They need to make plans that can include everyone otherwise they need to have a lovely time with whoever is available!

 

I agree with all of you!

At first, I was thinking this was a family cruise, but once I saw that it was for adults only... well... thanks but no thanks! 

[mom@shiloh]

41 minutes ago, SKL said:

Yeah, I missed that it would involve leaving school-aged kids behind.  Were they thinking the kids could stay with other relatives?

No. Our closest relatives are 1,000 miles away, although we have some adult children living closer. They have jobs though, so couldn't really be available to help.

 

[PeterPan]

2 hours ago, mom@shiloh said:

I am sure that September was chosen because there was a good deal on the cruise

They're cheaper because they're less desirable. The water is rougher for hundreds of miles around a hurricaine, so you have more sea sickness. You can have major changes in itineraries with little compensation. It's not really the ideal time to go.

2 hours ago, mom@shiloh said:

I am sure that September was chosen because there was a good deal on the cruise, and I have no problem with everyone else going. No one else homeschools and they never have, so they don't understand that when my kids have sports practice, I'm the one who has to drive them. Their kids got picked up by a bus to go to school. They went directly from school to practices. They probably had friends or neighbors who lived nearby who went to the same school who could drop them off at home. They just don't get it that all of this falls on me. They don't get it that the closest homeschooler lives 15 minutes away from me and doesn't necessarily participate in the same things that my kids do. They also don't get it that I'd have kids all by themselves at home for 7 days. That's a long time for my kids to be alone. They don't get it that my kids need me to be here to homeschool them. They don't get it that I have responsibilities to teach co-op classes and to get my kids to those classes.  Ugh. I am frustrated that no one makes an effort to understand what I do. Probably that's the underlying thing -- when we see our families, NO ONE ever asks me about homeschooling or shows any interest in anything that I do. Mostly this just rolls off of me, but not today. Alright, I'm going to be done complaining now. 🙂  Thanks for listening.

Your MIL wants to take you but not your kids? Personally, I think cruising is the homeschooling adventure of a lifetime and GREAT FUN for kids. It seems more like you just are bitter at your relatives. To give up a cruise for a co-op is nuts. Your co-op can replace you for a week with enough notice, mercy. 

Now if MIL is not offering to take her grandkids, that's super weird. But if she is, take them and go if it's free. Just recognize it's a time of year where things happen and people have to be flexible. And if she hasn't scheduled yet, tell her you'd MUCH rather go in Jan/Feb when the weather is better.

[KungFuPanda]

Your MIL is completely delusional, and I felt that way BEFORE I realized she wasn’t offering to take the kids. Ten days?!?! Maybe when your next is empty or during a break or holiday. Very generous, but WOW!

[mathnerd]

1 hour ago, mom@shiloh said:

No. Our closest relatives are 1,000 miles away, although we have some adult children living closer. They have jobs though, so couldn't really be available to help.

 

Coming back to add, maybe she did not think that you will accept her invitation at all, but, wanted to offer in case later it comes up and you find out that you had not been invited and felt bitter or angry about it. This way, she invited, you will refuse and she can go and cruise with those that she intended to cruise with in the first place. This scenario is common in my family, so it might be true depending on your relationships and the nature of the people involved...

[City Mouse]

I know that must be disappointing, but I have to admit that I would never want to spend 7 days trapped with my extended family. 😀

My DH and I worked to plan a family reunion for him, his 7 remaining siblings and their spouses. It took multiple phone calls and 2 survey monkeys to find one the one weekend in an 18 month period that everyone could get together - Labor Day weekend of 2020. We almost gave up trying.

[LarlaB]

I feel your pain.  Its a head scratcher how some people like to arbitrarily decide what is best for others.   That's a lot of odd choices, timing wise- considering your vocation and time of year, and especially since you are the only ones with younger kids who would need a lot of logistic juggling to even consider..  People just don't think of others, much of the time. 

My Inlaws  (parents and siblings) have a nasty habit of planning entire get togethers 'for the whole family' without actually speaking to the whole family to see if it might even work.   They decided to have Christmas here in my state because it would be FUN! and GREAT! and CONVENIENT! for a few of them.  Too bad  they made the plans first and asked second.....we already bought tickets in July and won't be here and no, won't change our flights. Sigh. 

Last year my sister in law mentioned she was coming here over certain dates- we said great.  Then without talking to us she booked the flight for 2 weeks laters and we already had plans to be out of town. She was furious and it turned into a huge deal because she was 'caught' be a self absorbed person. 

[Shoeless]

Been there, done that. I have been asked twice in the last 3 months to attend far away trips with the extended family.  Both times I've said "I'm sorry; I wish I could come, but school/work/childcare/pet care/money/etc.  I simply can't make it".  Both times, the retirees were frustrated and annoyed. My sister flat out told my uncle "Look, we can't go. I just started a new job, my child starts 1st grade that week, and I haven't finished unpacking from moving house.  If you'd planned this a month earlier or later, maybe I could have made it happen, but the timing of this simply doesn't work for me to attend".  My uncle's response? "Well, I didn't plan this with your schedule in mind!  You aren't the focus of the trip!"  Yes, this is clearly evident and entirely the problem, uncle.  If you want people to attend your event in a far away land, then you have to take their schedule into consideration! 

My dad is no better.  He's been on a kick lately where he suggests last-minute flights to vacation somewhere.  I'd love to travel more, but I need more than 3 weeks notice to pull together passports, pet care, and money if you want to go to Ireland with me, Dad!   

[wintermom]

I am just agreeing with you.  You'll be left out; left out of the good and the bad.

I went on a house boat vacation with extended family. It's smaller than a cruise ship, but somewhat similar. The only thing missing from this vacation was the extra boat to get away from extended family. I'd never get on a boat with my extended family again without having an extra boat. I love them dearly. 'Nuff said.