Sandwiched; JAWM? Gentle critiques?

[Rockhopper]

Details removed for privacy.

How to handle being the peanut butter in the sandwich when both kids at home and parents far away need you. And how to deal with comments from people who would like you to help more. And how to know if/when you're doing enough.

I want truth, but please be gentle. 

 

Edited September 3, 2019 by Rockhopper

[Pen]

I truly agree with you.  Not just jam JAWM cuz you said to.

sounds like you’ve got a ton of difficulties to deal with.

i think you need to put your kids and their mental health  first.  Including the one who is relatively ok so to try to keep him / her okay

people I know moved aging parents to a home for the elderly with care available that is near them so they can visit more easily.  Because travel to the parents wasn’t possible more than once per year.  And they were not dealing with as many child gen issues as you are.  

Edited September 2, 2019 by Pen

[SereneHome]

Here is the truth, from someone who grew up in a culture where parents were taken care of by children and families were super close.

You are in a super hard place and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job. The fact that you haven't lost your mind yet and functioning this well shows a very tough character and super strength. Kudos to you. Don't let the guilt eat at you, that will absolutely destroy you. I am watching my husband being eaten away by guilt of not helping his parents enough (in HIS opinion, he is doing plenty!!) and I think it has significant effects on his health. 

 

[regentrude]

You have a lot on your plate with your kids and husband, and you have the added difficulty of being far away from your parents. You are doing the best you can. The idea that grown up children must personally care for their ailing parents is a nice ideal that is not feasible for many of us. My and DH's parents live in Germany. There is absolutely no way we can take care of them in person, or visit more than once a year. That is sometimes hard, but the reality.  So, you give of your time, your advice, your finances as you are able. 

My response to those kinds of comments is "Yes, unfortunately we are not able to come more often. I wish we could." and leave it at that. I thank FIL's caregiver for her work, make it clear that we want her to communicate - but that is the only thing we can do. 

Hang in there.

[Jaybee]

It's hard sometimes, because of the consequences like you are experiencing, but once you are married (and have children), your priorities should shift to your new immediate family. We have mostly lived far away from our families of origin. We would love to live much closer, but it isn't possible due to jobs, and we looked for jobs in that area. However, we have to take care of our each other and our children. I wish we could do both, but it isn't possible. I'm sorry you are being pulled, and perhaps being judged, but some of us are just not in a position to move back to take care of our elderly parents, and they are not in a position to live with us. It sounds like you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. We do apologize occasionally to our siblings for not being there. It isn't because we feel we are doing anything wrong, but it is an acknowledgement that they are carrying the load, and we wish we were in more of a position to help with that. Hugs.

[ktgrok]

Is there any way to move them closer to you? Was the move farther away for career reasons? I'm assuming moving closer instead wasn't an option for good reason, which means moving them to you or your brother makes the most sense. 

[Ottakee]

It is a tough place to be.  Would your parents consider moving to an assisted living home?  Then that would help take the physical caregiving away from your father which might help his own health.  

It sounds like they need more help (or will in the near future) than you or your brother could provide....even if you lived in the same town.

I had to encourage my MIL to move to an assisted living place when she was terminally ill.  I wanted to be able to care for her at my house but her needs, coupled with those of my kids, and my work was just too much....and I lived 3 miles away.

[Rockhopper]

Financial concerns and connection to their community are big reasons they won't move. Also, my brother and I both move frequently.

Oh, I forgot another big one -- my grandmother lives next door to them and my dad checks on her, drives her to the grocery store, etc. He's absolutely amazing. But he is doing too much and it is starting to take a toll.

[Bambam]

With all you have going on at home, I'm super impressed you can find the time to go visit your parents and help out at all! 

You are doing what you can. Ignore what other people say. They aren't in your situation, and so they are speaking from a point of ignorance. 

 

[maize]

Oh heavens Rockhopper, I don't see any way for you to do more than you are doing.

It sounds like your parents really need some kind of assisted living situation. My dad has Parkinson's as well, as did my grandfather, and I can't imagine him able to really be the primary caregiver for someone who needed significant care.

Does their church community provide help and support to your parents? That seems more appropriate than guilting you over the limited support you can provide given distance and other family responsibilities.

Edited September 2, 2019 by maize

[Rockhopper]

Thanks to each of you. I really appreciate your thoughts and your encouragement. After this last trip, I really came home questioning myself. It helps a lot to have an outside perspective from people more removed from the situation.

I also appreciate the springboard of ideas to think about different ways of helping from afar. Some of these are already happening, but reviewing them helps me brainstorm other things. 

 

[Tanaqui]

I see no viable way for you to increase the amount of assistance you provide, unless they move in with you - which I strongly recommend they don't, because your plate is already overflowing with obligations. And, unfortunately, your first obligation is not to them. They're actually down near the end of this long list - you've got your kids, your husband, and yourself to think of first. (If you don't take care of yourself then you can't take care of literally ANYTHING else, so that has to be made a priority.)

They need to have somebody talk to them, seriously, about moving in with your brother or into assisted living. (I don't know what your brother's situation is.)

[Pen]

Maybe all 3, parents and grandmother, could move to an assisted living place in the area they now are and feel comfortable being. (Perhaps with your parents able to be together in a cottage, but with much more help?)   Or maybe your father could get more hours help weekly at home?  Or maybe the time has come when at least your mother needs an assisted care place.

[Tanaqui]

Also, seriously, next time somebody who doesn't know you makes a passive aggressive comment like that, throw it back at them. Say "Yes, between my husband's disability, my children's disabilities*, and homeschooling, I unfortunately am only able to make it out here N times a year." Seriously, how dare they judge you when they don't know you?

* You don't need to spell out what's going on, and I wouldn't.

[prairiewindmomma]

You are doing the very best you can. There is no reason to feel guilty. Seriously. I have started to get those comments with our latest relo and it’s hard.

 

What I think is being said is that the family needs more help to get by than what is currently happening. It’s time to bring in help or for assisted living.

[mlktwins]

As someone who was unexpectedly thrown into the roll of pretty much full time care giver to my dad a year ago (on September 4th), I want to say that there is only SO MUCH OF YOU to spread around and I 150% agree with those that say you need to put the health and well-being of your immediate family, and most especially yourself, as the priority!!!  I about KILLED myself this past year and my dad lives near me.  I didn't have any sibling support though and my in-laws are both 92 and still in their house of 50+ years (they are local).  I can't even think about what is coming up with them.

I'm a bit bitter about my last year (for many reasons - I will spare the details) and my health has suffered greatly this year.  I am 52 with twin 9th graders and I am just starting (barely) to recover.

I'm not going to say your parents have done this (I don't know their situation), but my dad could have made changes while he was still able (and in control of everything), but he was stubborn and he wasn't moving, wasn't purging his stuff, didn't need to exercise, didn't want help, etc.  In the end, it all fell upon me to make all these decisions.  He is still with me, living 10 minutes away now, and loving his new life, but like I said, it about killed me. 

You are a strong, strong woman and don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself or guilt you!  Do what you can do and let go of the rest! 

[RootAnn]

2 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

What I think is being said is that the family needs more help to get by than what is currently happening. It’s time to bring in help or for assisted living.

I agree that you should not feel guilt because you are already providing what you can.

I also agree with the above. If your dad insists on staying in place, he needs weekly nurse visits and a home helper every day - whether for help with your mom or your grandmother. Someone to help with meals, someone to help with bathing, someone to sit with your mom when your dad wants a nap or to go out by himself, someone to drive grandma to the grocery store.

Multiple people.

That means $$ in some cases but not everything costs. Around here, we have "Neighbor to Neighbor" which will drive, do meals, and help with light housekeeping as a volunteer activity.

Or, a nursing facility with a dementia wing for your mom & he still lives at home. It can keep going like this until something bad happens to disrupt it or the family can plan ahead.

You need to take care of yourself, too. The stress and strain you are under will eat away at your health. So, take time for you in this whole pile of stuff you are dealing with. If you don't have your oxygen mask on, you won't be much good to others 

[catz]

I truly believe most people are doing the best they can at any given time given their own bandwidth and the time and tools they have available to them.   You have so much on your plate,I think you are going above and beyond honestly.  You should not feel guilty at all.  

That said, have you talked to your parents and/or your brother about getting them set up with additional outside help if they aren't willing/able to move?  Or possibly moving to a facility with step wise care?  If you are visiting and are attending an appointment, maybe you could ask for appropriate resources.   Consider what they'd need to stay in place.  Meals on wheels?  Cleaning and grocery help?  Nurse check-ins?

Edited September 3, 2019 by FuzzyCatz

[Rosie_0801]

27 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

Also, seriously, next time somebody who doesn't know you makes a passive aggressive comment like that, throw it back at them. Say "Yes, between my husband's disability, my children's disabilities*, and homeschooling, I unfortunately am only able to make it out here N times a year." Seriously, how dare they judge you when they don't know you?

* You don't need to spell out what's going on, and I wouldn't.

 

Then, if possible, burst into tears at them.

[prairiewindmomma]

Chiming back in to say that you might look into facilities that could provide nursing level care to your mom (and she sounds like she’d qualify if she needs help with toileting) and housekeeping/maybe meals to your dad but could step up when he needs it. As an added bonus, find someplace that will take Medicare when their assets are exhausted.

People fear change and the loss of independence. In the US this is also tied to a fear of exhausting all funds. In my own family, however, it has taken a crisis and an outside intervention to get my elderly relatives to make a change. I would emphasize that your dad has done all that he could possibly do, that he’s doing a great job, but that your mom needs more help than any one person could be asked to give and you’d love to see them settled where you don’t have to worry and where he can help in the transition. In other words—approach it from an emotional perspective rather than a rational one. If rational decisions were being made, it sounds like a change would have happened already. 😉

[Tap]

I have a daughter with a chronic illness that just moved to another state with her husband and trying to help her from afar. It is exhausting. 

I have a daughter with sever mental health and physical issues that we are trying to get dianosed. It is exhausting. 

I don't homeschool, but I work 48 hours a week outside the home. (I used to homeschool but can't homeschool my youngest due to her high level of needs).

My husband is healthy, but travels for work so I am the one at home doing all the heavy lifting. It is exhausting.

I feel completely and udderly overwhelmed at times. My mind doesn't shut off. I can't rest or I  feel guilty that I am not doing something that needs to be done. I  am behind on soooo many things because....sometimes it just doesn't make the list that day. 

I don't have parents to take care of.  How on earth you are able to add that into the mix is astounding. You and I sit in  similar cirucumstances and I have to say that if I had the chance to go visit my parents a few times a year....I wouldn't even want to go. It sounds like it is very, hard on you physically and emotionally when you go. (I don't visit my mom on purpose...whole nuther story)I know you feel like you are making the best choices you can and I would never try to tell you differently. But man, that has got to put you over the top when it comes to being over-extended. Guilt if you don't go. Even more Exhaustion if you do. 

I can't do anything from afar or say anything to lighten your load. But just know that you are not alone and there are others here who would like to send you a virtual hug ((((((HUGS)))))).  You know that when people try to put  some guilt on you, to let it roll off your back, but I know it isn't that easy.  People on the outside of chaos, don't understand what our lives are like and they can imply anything they want. They just don't understand and never will. Let it go and remember the days, before chaos hit, and you didn't understand either. Words of encouragement are filtered through the experiences that each person has lived. The people saying things that hurt you, are problably trying to be kind and encouraging....but what you are hearing is being translated by an exhausted brain, of a daughter who wants to do more for her parents. When people say things that hurt you, and you know those words are coming from a kind place in thier heart, try to remember that they aren't trying to heap guilt on you. Try to hear the words as coming from thier caring hearts and try to not let your exhaustion and guilt add to the words they say.  Instead of adding snark to thier words, add compassion and empathy. Someone saying "it is nice you are finally able to visit" likely means just that. They are happy you are here! And they know how hard it was for you to make the time. And they are glad you were able to come visit.  No guillt.  Just happy for you and happy for your parents. 

[NorthwestMom]

1 hour ago, Tanaqui said:

Also, seriously, next time somebody who doesn't know you makes a passive aggressive comment like that, throw it back at them. Say "Yes, between my husband's disability, my children's disabilities*, and homeschooling, I unfortunately am only able to make it out here N times a year." Seriously, how dare they judge you when they don't know you?

* You don't need to spell out what's going on, and I wouldn't.

Yeah, those people can f*** right off. 

I have taken care of elderly sick parents while parenting my children and it is unbelievably hard. You are doing the absolute best you can do from a distance. I agree with the others that your parents and grandparent will likely need to move to receive additional support.  That will be hard as heck too.   

You are doing amazing. Do not feel bad for even one second. 

[fairfarmhand]

 

 

1 hour ago, Rockhopper said:

Thanks to each of you. I really appreciate your thoughts and your encouragement. After this last trip, I really came home questioning myself. It helps a lot to have an outside perspective from people more removed from the situation.

I also appreciate the springboard of ideas to think about different ways of helping from afar. Some of these are already happening, but reviewing them helps me brainstorm other things. 

 

Remember: 

many people look at these things through a lens that is impossible given many family’s current circumstances.

a. In the past, families had kids at younger ages so their kids were likely older when seniors family members needed assistance.

b. In the past, families were larger so work could be spread out between more people.

c. In the past people were more Likely to live closer to several family members.

d. In the past, People with difficult health circumstances didn’t live as long with intensive needs. Caring for a terminally ill cancer patient was more likely a 6 month ordeal, rather than one that lasted years with the patient unable to care for themselves.

people who have an expectation that you should be doing more have NO idea what you’re dealing with. They see one tiny piece of the puzzle.

you don’t sound like you have anything else left to give and that’s ok.

Edited September 3, 2019 by fairfarmhand

[DoraBora]

Yes, your parents need more help than they are getting, but your dad is choosing to stay put.  He has options he (understandably) doesn't like, and he doesn't wish to pursue them.  Because he is a competent adult, he has the right to make that choice.  (It sounds to me like a move to a facility is inevitable, and it may happen in a crisis, but there it is.  I well understand trying to talk about such things with an elder who stubbornly refuses to face facts.)

I'm sorry you have so many things to handle -- too many for one person.  I think you are meeting the mark by doing the very best you can -- clearly, you love your parents.

You can only do so much.  Your own little family needs you with them right now. 

Lots of hugs to you!  

 

[Liz CA]

1 hour ago, Tanaqui said:

Also, seriously, next time somebody who doesn't know you makes a passive aggressive comment like that, throw it back at them. Say "Yes, between my husband's disability, my children's disabilities*, and homeschooling, I unfortunately am only able to make it out here N times a year." Seriously, how dare they judge you when they don't know you?

* You don't need to spell out what's going on, and I wouldn't.

 

This is so true. I was offended on your behalf, Rockhopper, that people would be so rude. I'd be thinking of saying something along the lines, "yes I live 2000 miles away and have children to take care of but how fortunate that you are in the same town. Could you stop by more often?"

There is nothing else you can do. Like Regentrude, my mother lives on another continent and she has made preparations a long time ago to take of herself when the time comes. The difficult thing is having to admit to yourself  (as the aging person) that the time has come. Assisted living sounds like the best options for your parents. Do not spend another nanosecond feeling guilty. You are heading over a lot of bumps in life right now - you need some rest and help and not self flagellation.

[Rockhopper]

You all have been so helpful, and supportive. Crying some tears of relief tonight, instead of exhaustion or guilt. Some excellent take-aways for me in here -- about what really does need to happen, and about my level of control of that. Words cannot express how grateful I am, for the compassion but also for the helpful thoughts about things to do and ways to reframe how I'm viewing it all.

Also, enormously helpful is the reminder that people's comments are made from concern for my parents, and from their perspective, and probably mostly with good intentions but without a full understanding of the situation. Thank you so much. That was very much a mental shift I needed to make -- giving the same grace to them as I need myself.

I'm going to go ahead and remove a lot of details now. I feel ready to move forward in a different frame of mind. Thanks again!

Edited September 3, 2019 by Rockhopper

[Okra]

Hugs.

It's so hard to not have guilt.  You just have to remind yourself that you are doing the best you can for everyone.  And, by everyone, please remember to take care of yourself sometimes, also.

I love the Ipad at the Dr. idea with google doc notes.  In fact you can have a google doc with any caregivers also.  This can keep you and your brother up to date on everything that is going on.  Google Docs saves automatically and sends to everyone.

Amazon Subscribe and Save that ships monthly to their house automatically,   Same thing for groceries.  There are plenty of grocery delivery companies now.  

What about Meals on Wheels would that be helpful?

Sometimes life is hard and it is difficult to make decisions.  You just have to get through it and it will get easier eventually.  Work hard to be easy on yourself.

[SereneHome]

RE: people making comments.

It always reminds me of a book "I was a really great mom before I had kids". Everyone is an expert on situations they know NOTHING about. OP - you HAVE TO tune yourself out from those people and those  comments.  Bc even if you weren't doing right by your parents (which is obviously not the case) people who don't know you or your life should not judge.

[BusyMom5]

Hugs.  My grandparents are still alive and are beginning a decline.  It's so frustrating for my family- me, my brother and my parents are local.  We see what is going on.  We try, but if your parents are resistant, there isn't a lot you can do.  We've tried offering help and they always refuse, even though we know they need more help (groceries, cleaning, meds, Dr visits, driving around, ect).  Until your parents are ready to make decisions,  you just have to wait them out.  I know family who live further away can't see the day to day struggle,  and I think the people making comments may be trying to make you see that when you are there your parents appear to do better.  My grandparents do this, and it drives me crazy bc then the uncle or whomever think we are exaggerating how much help they need.  It's like they get a sort of high when family visit, then they crash for a month afterwards.  

 

You could start looking into assisted living and retirement communities even if they aren't ready.  This helps you see your options.  They can stay where they are or move closer to you.  Be sure to get your name on Dr HIPPA forms so you can call and confirm or clarify medical questions.  Without that, you are blind.  

 

Hugs, its okay to limit what you can do.  It's a time for grace- for you, for your parents and for those who are trying to tell you how things really are.

[frogger]

Rockhopper, you have an incredibly full plate. I can only tip my hat to you because I'm overwhelmed with my little plate over here.

I wish I could give you the magic bullet but I can only give some empathy. It's so hard.

[matrips]

Just an idea- when my parents were considering a retirement place, there were quite a few that had respite and/or trial apartments available. Some were even rented for up to several months at a time. Perhaps your parents might be willing to trial one? See what it is like before committing?  They were furnished, so it wasn’t like they have to move their stuff.

things went downhill too quickly by the time my folks finally got around to it, and they were forced to move in a rush into a place they didn’t get to pick.  Not the way to do it. 😞

and I don’t know their finances, but assisted living is expensive.  It might be worthwhile to compare that to an aide/employee at their house. My mom is now in an assisted living place, but she can only afford that because my dad passed.

hugs.  It is tough.  

[mlktwins]

OP, just checking in!  How are things going?