Christmas - I am Sad Everyone has Grown Up and The Magic is Gone.

[Familia]

My family is blessed, and everyone is healthy and happily busy, but ... This year reality is setting in for me..  

For a few years, I have felt the difficulty thinking of coming up with present ideas for Christmas for young adults who have what they need (other than cash) and certainly do not have room in their lives for 'stuff'.  I am waking up this year and realizing that the energy I put into sleuthing and searching for present ideas is maybe all about me -- my desire to present that BIG stack of presents under the tree.  We have never been extravagant gift-givers ... books, a few clothes, useful items ... I have received many ideas from this forum for useful items that they are about to need.  

But, I am not talking about finding ideas, I am talking about giving up the need to come up with gobs of items just so the tree is heaped with presents!  Homeschooling gave us the canvas to paint the perfect, affordable opportunity to 'spoil' our children with gifts from history encyclopedias to a Latin Picture Dictionary to Carcassonne.  The food created excitement and anticipation - Egg nog?  Oh boy!  The pomegranate?  Let me at it!  Now, it is kinda, "Ho hum."  Maybe these years are about looking forward to grandchildren?

How has your family handled the trimming down of presents?  The change in years when the family gets together on a different day?  (I see that coming)  I am thinking they will be disappointed to only open 3 presents rather than the 15 (again, they were not extravagant).  Also, we are fortunate that everyone still comes home, eats together, and is willing to play games, but I feel like the magic is gone.  Everyone is quieter, the excitement is gone.  I'm just sad about that.  I am sad thinking that, inside, they feel the sadness that the magic is gone, too.  Maybe, as young adults looking forward, they don't miss it much.  It is hard, in this instance, to accept that they have grown up.

Am I the only one who feel this?  I do not hear anyone IRL talk about it ...

[hepatica]

Same here. It is a bit sad to lose the magic part of the holiday. My youngest is 10 so he is the only one really excited about presents anymore. I have decided to look on the positive side. Our primary gift to the kids now is a ski trip with DH (the grandparents contribute to this every year). They and he go away for 4 or 5 days right before Christmas and I stay home with the dog(a super nice break for super introverted me). 

We each still get each other a small gift, and we open these gifts on Christmas (with 5 of us this is plenty). We also do a family secret santa in the weeks leading up to Christmas. It is really nice to have the kids just as involved in the gift giving as Mom and Dad. So overall, I like the change. Christmas has become quieter and more reflective for me, and it is more about each of the children thinking carefully about what would be wanted/needed/appreciated by their siblings. 

So I guess my suggestion would be to approach the inevitable change with purpose and try to mold your more young adult holiday into something that reflects your values and still feels special. 

[mumto2]

You aren’t the only one.  Last year I spent a great deal of time watching video from when they were little and feeling bad.  My young adults actually still live at home and I still feel bad. The total excitement is gone.  They don’t need loads of presents......I bought our traditional chocolate advent calendars and have a few supplemental gifts to wrap to go with the calendar.  I used to have something fun for every single day leading up to Christmas all figured out.  Many of those gifts were activities,  cookie baking.....build a snowman and I changed them around depending on what Dh and I felt like doing that day.  So I am bored!

 I am channeling my frustration into a crafting frenzy to decorate.  I am currently busy making another table quilt (my son’s name for them) with a Christmas theme........my family is letting me express myself but find it .......... odd.   My son finally asked if table quilts were a fashion trend he had missed.....no dear, they are my fashion trend.  We don’t need anymore bed quilts although I thought about a Christmas quilt for everyone’s bed and decided there wasn’t time,  plus storage space.  I am already giving a couple of quilts to friends for Christmas....so it’s table quilts! 😉  They are also terrified of ruining the quilt on the table!  I keep saying I want to use it (currently have the fall themed one on the table) and could care less if it gets stained.  It is designed to be washed!

[ScoutTN]

We are not there yet in stage-of-life, but I get the feeling. I have been struggling with feeling like the magic is gone for several years, for reasons unrelated to the age of my kids. (I do still have one who thrills to see a new Lego set!) 

It has helped to take more time to read and reflect, to purposefully cherish time together, rest, food, music etc. To be intentionally thankful for the Truth, Beauty and Goodness in my life, in our life together as a family. Concerts, quiet walks in the starlit woods, backyard bonfires with friends have become more the currency of our Christmas than gifts. 

Simplifying the stuff and decluttering has helped too. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I find the magic in the actual Christmas story - thinking about it, reading it, singing about it.  I put on different Christmas playlists on Spotify - I love music and Christmas music has such a wide range - there's even a Reggae Christmas playlist!  I reach out to the elderly and others who might be lonely at this time of year.  The presents are incidental for me - but I'm not a good gift giver so that might skew my perception and approach. 

[PeterPan]

For me it isn't so much my dd growing up but my in-laws passing. We just totally lost every tradition we had before. I'm finding I have to find/make NEW fun things. 

Have you thought about doing some giving through charity trees? Our library, Y, mall, everyone has 'em, and they have them for kids, seniors, all kinds of needs. Our library had a seniors tree and the gifts wouldn't have been very expensive, maybe $15-20. One man just wanted some pajama pants, socks, chapstick. 

If you want another magical tradition, have you thought about puzzles? I'm horrible at them, very slow, not really good at all, but if I put them out others will come and do them with me. https://www.libertypuzzles.com/wooden-jigsaw-puzzles/category/holidays  Here's a page with all the Liberty Puzzle holiday puzzles. I have the round nativity scene, and it's WONDERFUL. We do it every single year as a tradition. Now I'm looking at getting another (the new 12 Day of Christmas looks fun) with the thought that maybe we'd even work up to doing 1 a week or something through the holiday season. They have a small Dore angel that is only $39. They're all wonderful and so much fun because of the custom pieces. They feel good in your hands and are fun to look at. 

[GailV]

Our traditions have been more about doing things, like having a treasure hunt on Christmas morning.  Older dd moved away this year, and we were already starting to feel the pangs of "how will this work now that she's not around?"  Dh even considered getting hold of her roommate to put clues around their apartment.  But now, WHEW! she's able to come here for a few days starting on Christmas Eve.  Crisis averted for this year.

I remember when my siblings and I were young adults and my mom made a big deal about wanting to start some traditions, and it was just sort of weird how she went about it.  After we were all at their house having a pleasant time sitting and chatting, apropos of nothing going on she announced, "We need new traditions, so we're doing XYZ," and proceeded to start the activity while we all sat there looking confused.

[GailV]

20 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

 

If you want another magical tradition, have you thought about puzzles? I'm horrible at them, very slow, not really good at all, but if I put them out others will come and do them with me. https://www.libertypuzzles.com/wooden-jigsaw-puzzles/category/holidays  Here's a page with all the Liberty Puzzle holiday puzzles. I have the round nativity scene, and it's WONDERFUL. We do it every single year as a tradition. Now I'm looking at getting another (the new 12 Day of Christmas looks fun) with the thought that maybe we'd even work up to doing 1 a week or something through the holiday season. They have a small Dore angel that is only $39. They're all wonderful and so much fun because of the custom pieces. They feel good in your hands and are fun to look at. 

Wow, those look amazing!  Plus, I loved reading about how puzzles used to just have a title on the box to tease you about what picture you might discover when you assembled the pieces. Thanks so much for sharing the website!

[regentrude]

We have shifted the focus to enjoying the time together. The adult kids may still have a few wishes, but no big stacks of presents will be under the tree. We will enjoy having them both home, which is a rare treat, cooking everyone's favorite food, spending time chatting and being together. 

I have pared Christmas traditions down over the years when I realized that I was the only one who cared about most of them. I baked 8 different kinds of cookies because it made me feel I was following my grandmother's family tradition, made me feel accomplished. We don't want to eat that many cookies. I took the kids to all kinds of Christmas events to create magic - and to feel like I was being a  good mom and giving them the full Christmas "experience". We dropped more and more of these over the years, because the kids didn't really care.

I came to realize that many of the traditions were about my need to recreate the magic Christmasses of my childhood and to cope with the cultural disconnect emigration has created. So we now made the conscious choice to abandon all traditions that do not really nourish us.

This year, DD will come home but has to leave on Christmas Day because she has to work on the 26th. So, we are having the big feast on the 23rd or 24th, and we make it dependent on the weather so we can go hiking together. And DH and I may not give each other presents at all, but go on a little trip after New Years. Because we are now empty nesting and we can.

[MEmama]

I'm sorry it's hard for you.

We had it kind of flipped; there has never been holiday "magic" for DS, which was super hard for me when he was young. All my friends had little ones who were so excited about everything Christmassy, and mine just didn't want anything to do with it. The whole thing (and in our house it's always been low key) stressed him out terribly; Decembers were nightmarish. Eventually I learned to tone it down even more so until the lead up became pretty non-existent, and in time he learned to deal with it. Still, the whole season just doesn't make sense to him even now (he doesn't understand the point of having a tree, for example).  I guess I got the disappointment over with early. Lol.

Maybe it's time to let old traditions fade away and let the family brainstorm new ones to fit this new season of life. Good luck. I know it isn't easy. 

[Annie G]

Three of our four kids live well over 1000 miles from us and none of them lives near each other.  Nobody can afford to come home for the holidays and none can really take time off work (for instance, son in law is a music minister and there’s no way he could have time off work at Christmas). So yeah, our holidays are much different than when they were little.  We usually just send the kids money for Christmas because shipping items is so expensive, and ordering something from Amazon that is shipped directly to them is not any different than if they order it themselves. 

We’re moving so this is the last year we can visit our last beloved family tradition, the Chicago Christkindlmarket.  Knowing it’s our last time, and without any family going with us...it’s already making me sad and it hasn’t even happened yet. 

So yeah, I feel you. And my IRL friends all have family around so all they do is feel sorry for me. Which doesn’t help my mood. 

[WendyLady]

Earlier this fall I was in a funk about everyone growing up.  Next year it will be just the youngest at home and he's sort of big and hairy, you know? I feel bad for him that his best buddy (his older sister) will go off to college and leave him stuck with just me and his dad.  We are not that fun!  It makes me a little sad, even more so at the holidays.  I have walked down the toy aisle as Sams Club and thought about how easy it was when I could knock out everyones's Christmas list in that fun row of flashing lights and baby dolls!

But last week we spent Thanksgiving with my parents and with my college daughter and her husband.  It was so adorable to watch dd and sil sneak around stores trying to buy little black friday deals for each other.  And she still had a list a mile long of things she wants and needs.  Along side that, my parents are just so fun at the holidays in a non-invasive way that it really made me see that the holidays are still lovely, even with big kids who don't want or need anything.

The holidays are such a strange mix of longing and wishing and tradition, and sometimes things just have to change.  My husband is deployed this year, and I've already sent out most of his Christmas gifts.  I have one more package to send next week, so he will have something arrive just in time for Christmas. So that makes our holidays all weird.  Oldest dd is worked Christmas Eve and Christmas day (as a nurse, first job, doing great) so, though she lives in our same town, we won't see her and her husband and puppy until after the big day. 2nd dd will be going to her husband's home for Christmas.  So it will be just me and our two "little one's" (high school senior and sophomore) home alone and I'm truly looking forward to it.  I have some traditions from the past that we will do, but we will keep it small and simple and sweet.

I worked last year at a home for teens in crisis.  I am not working there right now, but still volunteering.  I will be going there to decorate cookies with the kids.  We will also all go help wrap gifts from their giving tree.  Then we will go one more time to sing some carols and have pizza.  I will buy gifts for two of those kids as well.  I'm sure there are homes like this in your area.  These are teenagers who cannot be in foster homes for one reason or another (usually addiction and behavior issues) but they are wonderful and mostly forgotten.  Having a chance to be a part of their lives for a little while is life changing for me.  So we will do that. I am hoping that can become my new tradition of giving as our kids move on away from home.

The "little one's" both need good coats.  So that is their main gift this year.  Totally un-fun and unChristmas.  But they are expensive!  I'm planning to also take them snowing/snowboarding over the break - so that will be their fun Christmas surprise.  They have never been, and I'm not a great skier, so we will do a morning class one day, and hopefully ski a few times through the season.

Anyway, I wrote too much.  But I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.  And that maybe we can find some joy in the change... Happy Holidays!!

[SamanthaCarter]

Maybe find a foster family that you can love on? Have your kids shop for a small gift for the foster child(ren) or the biological child(ren). These parents are amazing, they go through a lot to bring a troubled child into thier home, and I can’t imagine how stretched thin they must be going into the holidays. 

[PeterPan]

34 minutes ago, regentrude said:

go on a little trip after New Years. Because we are now empty nesting and we can.

Bingo, that's what we've had to open our minds to. Same thing is happening for us with Thanksgiving, and I was like fine, if we're not gonna have the BIG CELEBRATIONS we're used to, then let's do something really different! This year we went out to a restaurant in another city, but I'd totally be open to traveling. I think we have to embrace the new. It's really hard though and takes some conscious effort. And then there are the consequences you don't think through, like what happens the day after Thanksgiving when you want to cook and there are no leftovers! LOL

[mom2scouts]

I understand how you're feeling. My youngest is 12 and we don't have any grandchildren yet. Two of my adult children will be out of state for Christmas visiting the families of their significant others. I miss those years when they were young. I have to admit that I've always loved toys. I still love toys, but other than a few fun things like games or craft kits for my youngest, we're past the toy stage and that makes me sad. Our finances are really tight, we have too much debt, and most of the gifts we give will be clothes or things that are really needed (not fun), so buying toys for kids outside the family isn't even an option. My mom has been telling me repeatedly lately that she wishes she could go back to when we were little and I'm starting to understand that feeling a bit. 

[Familia]

2 hours ago, mumto2 said:

 We don’t need anymore bed quilts although I thought about a Christmas quilt for everyone’s bed and decided there wasn’t time,  plus storage space.  I am already giving a couple of quilts to friends for Christmas....so it’s table quilts! 😉  They are also terrified of ruining the quilt on the table!  I keep saying I want to use it (currently have the fall themed one on the table) and could care less if it gets stained.  It is designed to be washed!

I should begin a craft for each of them.  It may take a few years LOL, but it is a worthy goal.  With your talent (and need to create) you should certainly make one for each of them even if it takes one per year.  Not that your friends don't deserve their own table quilts, but ... what a gift to give your family while stopping them from poking fun at your amazing gift.  You must be very talented to whip out table quilts like that!

58 minutes ago, GailV said:

I remember when my siblings and I were young adults and my mom made a big deal about wanting to start some traditions, and it was just sort of weird how she went about it.  After we were all at their house having a pleasant time sitting and chatting, apropos of nothing going on she announced, "We need new traditions, so we're doing XYZ," and proceeded to start the activity while we all sat there looking confused.

I was 'laughing' at myself, @GailV when I 'laughed at' your post.  I do see the potential for me to appear completely nuts in the young adults' minds.  It is all happening so fast!  I always pictured myself going with the flow and encouraging independence and responsibility, but now that they are demonstrating it, I find it hard to catch up and relate.  I relate fine to their friends and even to them on a 'hanging out' level, but when I go to do something tried and true like Christmas planning, I feel sentimental and at a loss with the unfamiliar.  

So many of everyone's suggestions are awesome, focusing on others and just allowing things to be simpler.  Perhaps it is also due to the fact that we are a quiet family (no additions, yet @Margaret in CO), so that makes me feel like all the 'entertainment' is on me.  No one wants anything to be feel 'forced' and, there is a void where we all go our separate ways even if we are all together in the same house.  This is hard to explain ...

[vonfirmath]

35 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Some of that is gone on my side of the family as my mother cannot physically shop and my father hates the material side of Christmas more or less. He hands us an envelope of cash and I stopped offering ideas for the kids as he'd like to give money for them and a small educational toy/book that he picks out on his own. But now my aunt has moved in and my mom thinks she really wants to be a part of it all so I'm going to shop for her and we'll just see how it goes. I don't want her to feel obligated to shop for my family, but I think we'll end up doing a gift exchange. I had thought of bringing a basket of goodies but if I do it'll be very small as my aunt will be the only one to eat it probably. Mom can't (feeding tube) and Dad won't (most likely). The focus is really Mass and meal and always has been for my parents. Though, I'm not sure if they can even attend Mass with us because I'm not sure who would stay behind with my mother. It'll be okay, though. And your Christmas will be okay. Perhaps the focus is on the tree to you and that's why you're afraid it's disappointing. Maybe ask the kids what would be fun... like touring the neighborhood to look at lights and then returning for hot cocoa? 

 

Can you provide the Christmas gift to your dad of letting him go to Mass while you stay home with your mom?

Maybe you can read to her or ya'll can find a Hallelujah chorus or other Christmas music thing to enjoy together and set up a new tradition in this change of life for her as well.

[ScoutTN]

2 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I find the magic in the actual Christmas story - thinking about it, reading it, singing about it.  

Yes, this! 

[ktgrok]

I still loving surprising DH with stuff, so I think that you are just in that middle time when they want practical, boring stuff? And then they outgrow it again? 

[Familia]

8 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

I still loving surprising DH with stuff, so I think that you are just in that middle time when they want practical, boring stuff? And then they outgrow it again? 

I do love our relationship's Christmas tradition.  Since dating days, we always waited until the evening to exchange gifts in privacy.  We continued that through the years with quiet time together by the light of the tree.  It does seem like my main Christmas association is gifts like @heartlikealion suggested.  That is odd b/c so much focus has been on the carols, the games, the visiting through the years.  

Hmmm, having a revelation here ...

I am focusing on finding just the "right" gifts, stressing over that.  I am no longer keeper of their lives, their clothes, their hobbies, their time.  This is becoming clearer with this discussion.  This change (the difficulty of finding the "right" gift) is due to them growing up and not wanting/needing me to control the items in their lives.  I need to let it go that I am not the source of everything in their lives anymore.  This is all giving me food for thought.

[ktgrok]

6 minutes ago, Familia said:

I do love our relationship's Christmas tradition.  Since dating days, we always waited until the evening to exchange gifts in privacy.  We continued that through the years with quiet time together by the light of the tree.  It does seem like my main Christmas association is gifts like @heartlikealion suggested.  That is odd b/c so much focus has been on the carols, the games, the visiting through the years.  

Hmmm, having a revelation here ...

I am focusing on finding just the "right" gifts, stressing over that.  I am no longer keeper of their lives, their clothes, their hobbies, their time.  This is becoming clearer with this discussion.  This change (the difficulty of finding the "right" gift) is due to them growing up and not wanting/needing me to control the items in their lives.  I need to let it go that I am not the source of everything in their lives anymore.  This is all giving me food for thought.

ah yes! I remember having that revelation at one point, that "a gift" that was "nice" was fine, it didn't have to be the "perfect' gift. Give some fun stuff, and enjoy it.

[May]

For our family, Christmas was and is a religious holiday. To think that God loved us so much to send us a Savior, in that alone, I find joy. Our daughters are all grown. One is married and living in Japan, the other local. We may see the one who is local, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day but she hasn’t shared her plans. Our daughters enjoy gift cards so that’s easy. DH wanted a new firearm and he got it himself😊 I want a new immersion blender, which hubby will want me to pick out. Yes, holidays are different now, not better, not worse, different. I pray that you may find joy in this Christmas season🎄

[Hoggirl]

I am always the odd woman out in these discussions.  Also in those threads where those struggle more with their children heading to college. 

I guess I am not overly sentimental or something.  I promise I am not Scrooge-ish - I do love the Christmas season.  Maybe it has to do with if gifts are your love language?? That’s not mine.  

It took us years to get off the gift-giving bandwagon with family and friends.  I used to buy for SO many people.  Between that and the decorating, cooking, baking, card-sending, traveling, performing in church, it mostly made me tired.  I don’t miss all the *work* of it.  I was talking to a girlfriend yesterday who has two grown daughters.  She was talking about paring down their gifts (and the one husband and the two grandchildren) to TEN each rather than her usual FIFTEEN!  EACH!  That’s crazy to me.  And, it may all be tied to the fact that we have done a major downsize and are just completely over stuff.  I don’t want any gifts. Ds just graduated from college in June, and I do plan to buy him a much-needed dressier raincoat/overcoat/trench coat.  We always do stockings.  But, I am just not into the excess of Christmas.  My take is that if three gifts were good enough for Jesus, that’s enough for anybody!  

Maybe it’s because we only have one ds instead of a large extended family.  I am also an only.  Maybe it’s because I lost parents right before Christmas. Maybe I am just plain lazy.  I don’t know.  But, honestly?  For me, it’s a relief not to have to DO so much.  I guess I am not very magical.  

Times change. Situations change.  Children grow up and marry and families have to be blended together and have to share.  I like the idea of doing an activity together and just spending time together.  Puzzles, games, driving around looking at Christmas lights, watching Christmas movies. 

[HomeAgain]

Our Christmas traditions have slowly evolved over the years.  As our kids grow, we tend to put more emphasis on finding 1-2 things they will really enjoy, spending time in our community, being thankful that we not only have enough, but some excess as well, and giving to others.  When I was a kid, and when oldest ds was little, Christmas was big.  I remember getting tired of opening presents. LOL  We've slowly shifted each year to find a nice balance between "some" and "not too much".  We've upped other things we've done instead.

Dh is working this year, until 11pm on Christmas eve and Christmas day.  Someone needs to do it, it's right he takes a turn, and we'll be fine.  But it will be another bittersweet year where he's not here for some of our special traditions.  At least last time he could Skype.  This time, we'll slow down the holiday and do more on the 26th.

[mumto2]

1 hour ago, Familia said:

I should begin a craft for each of them.  It may take a few years LOL, but it is a worthy goal.  With your talent (and need to create) you should certainly make one for each of them even if it takes one per year.  Not that your friends don't deserve their own table quilts, but ... what a gift to give your family while stopping them from poking fun at your amazing gift.  You must be very talented to whip out table quilts like that!

I was 'laughing' at myself, @GailV when I 'laughed at' your post.  I do see the potential for me to appear completely nuts in the young adults' minds.  It is all happening so fast!  I always pictured myself going with the flow and encouraging independence and responsibility, but now that they are demonstrating it, I find it hard to catch up and relate.  I relate fine to their friends and even to them on a 'hanging out' level, but when I go to do something tried and true like Christmas planning, I feel sentimental and at a loss with the unfamiliar.  

So many of everyone's suggestions are awesome, focusing on others and just allowing things to be simpler.  Perhaps it is also due to the fact that we are a quiet family (no additions, yet @Margaret in CO), so that makes me feel like all the 'entertainment' is on me.  No one wants anything to be feel 'forced' and, there is a void where we all go our separate ways even if we are all together in the same house.  This is hard to explain ...

🤣. I am only forcing table quilts upon my family.  Technically when I am done I will have two for each holiday so one for each child, if they want.  My friends are just receiving normal lap quilts to read good books under....

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, Familia said:

I should begin a craft for each of them.  It may take a few years LOL, but it is a worthy goal.

Maybe, maybe not. Craft items made by mom cannot ever be disposed of; they must be schlepped from location to location,  stored in perpetuity, because MOM made this!

It took me decades before I felt able to give away some of the sweaters my mom had knitted. I don't wear them. Mom was cool with it. But I had the hardest time.

Only make handcrafted gifts for adult children if they are really into it (and in a stable living situation; otherwise you'll have to store them)

[Familia]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Maybe, maybe not. Craft items made by mom cannot ever be disposed of; they must be schlepped from location to location,  stored in perpetuity, because MOM made this!

It took me decades before I felt able to give away some of the sweaters my mom had knitted. I don't wear them. Mom was cool with it. But I had the hardest time.

Only make handcrafted gifts for adult children if they are really into it (and in a stable living situation; otherwise you'll have to store them)

That makes sense, especially during these transition years.  I am so practical of a gift-giver, though, I was thinking simple block quilt in neutral pattern.  But, as said up-thread, people can take that to extreme and be afraid to use handmade items.

[Familia]

27 minutes ago, May said:

For our family, Christmas was and is a religious holiday. To think that God loved us so much to send us a Savior, in that alone, I find joy. Our daughters are all grown. One is married and living in Japan, the other local. We may see the one who is local, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day but she hasn’t shared her plans. Our daughters enjoy gift cards so that’s easy. DH wanted a new firearm and he got it himself😊 I want a new immersion blender, which hubby will want me to pick out. Yes, holidays are different now, not better, not worse, different. I pray that you may find joy in this Christmas season🎄

I guess I am finding joy, but not happiness.  Happiness is not guaranteed.  I need to let go.  Of my own expectations of being able to make everyone happy.  Really, I hope it isn't a control thing.  If it is, I need to nip that in the bud!  My family does probably see me as controlling, but I think that most mothers look controlling to some extent.  But, am I too much??

So, @May, did you just one year give less gifts?  I know, I know, I am focused on number of gifts again.  I think that, since everyone is still home on Christmas morning just like when they were younger, and there are no extra people involved yet, I find this change odd.  We are doing all the same routine, but everyone is old LOL.  Gift giving was really a blip between morning Mass and our feast together, but the rest of the afternoon was spent 'playing' with gifts.  (Christmas Eve is really my favorite, because we feast on hors d'oeuvres and a new game ... I began that many years ago in anticipation of the end of Christmas morning together ... thanks to @Kareni and @creekland for game ideas through the years)

I think I am stressed so much looking for the perfect gift to make the afternoon of Christmas a pure pleasure for them.  I could focus on finding a 'fun' item and a coffee-table book for each to make the hours pass, but I do like the suggestions of giving to others.  Maybe I can find someone for us to visit during the afternoon - even a nursing home or a shut-in through our parish.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I am learning to do things by myself and still find joy in it. For example, our library has a program where Dickens carolers come each year.   My family has been busy and haven’t wanted to go with me so I have just gone by myself. I still enjoy it a lot. 

[PeterPan]

9 hours ago, Familia said:

 I need to let it go that I am not the source of everything in their lives anymore.

My mom I think struggled for a long time with that and she'd try to get me fun things or whatever. Now she has gone back to getting me things I actually need, which I really like. It feels nice, because I put all my money into my kids and I don't always get *myself* what I need. Like last year my mom got me socks (knee-his), which are really mundane but I actually needed them and used them a lot!! So I don't know, it's sort of like changing to being their angel, if that makes sense.

[regentrude]

7 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Some years Dh stays behind but I really like Dh to come. He rarely comes to church with me. I will talk to my dad and see if he has a solution already. If not, we may just go to church in shifts. 

Have you asked at the church whether there is somebody who would sit with your mom to enable the other family members to attend mass together? This seems to me a situation that would be fairly common, so perhaps there are volunteers who'd do this at Christmas?

Edited November 28, 2018 by regentrude

[ktgrok]

7 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

He’d want to go together I think. Perhaps by then she can leave the house more easily. I don’t know though because she is dealing with a bedsore. She is determine to get better/sit up soon though because when I asked about gifts she told me to get her a puzzle! I was shocked as she has limited mobility even with her hands. That’s a very good sign. 

Some years Dh stays behind but I really like Dh to come. He rarely comes to church with me. I will talk to my dad and see if he has a solution already. If not, we may just go to church in shifts. That sounds sweet to do music with her. She used to play a Christmas cd in the house when we were growing up. 

Some could go on Christmas Eve and some on Christmas Day (both count as attendance). 

Also, from your other posts it seems what you are really worried about is what to DO on Christmas day, not the opening the presents part which you said was short anyway in the rush to get to Mass but the playing with presents that afternoon. So maybe, after Mass, don't go home? Go do something outside the house for a while, to take up that time and maybe start a new tradition? 

Or, if that won't work, maybe wait and do most of your Christmas cookies that day? It is after all only the first day of Christmas, so totally valid to do them then and distribute/eat the next few days or so. Everyone could hang out in the kitchen and "help" you (or set up a station in the dining room if the kitchen is too small) by decorating sugar cookies with frosting (either royal frosting or you can actually "paint" them with a special recipe of edible paint), roll balls of dough, cut out dough, use a cookie press to press cookies, etc. Maybe even help you package them up into tins when they cool, etc. 

[mommyoffive]

My oldest is only 12, but I feel the change.  I think it may have started with me last year.  I was the one who never wanted to be anywhere but home for Christmas. Then last year I was like I would love to travel over the holidays.  No presents.  No extended family drama.  No shopping.  NO cleaning. and on and on.  It would be heaven for me and I wish our life would have gone that way.  I would honestly love to travel over Christmas and Thanksgiving for all those reasons. But my kids fell hard for ballet and that means Nutcracker, so my dreams are dead now.  

But the oldest 2 and maybe 3 don't believe any more.  That fun is gone. But hey they still get a kick out of matching pjs, getting the tree, presents and on and on.  I am trying to make our Christmas less about gifts and more about things we do together.  5 people in my family are in the Nutcracker, so that is an instant tradition. It will be 6 next year.  I have no plans of it.  We adopt people and shop for the gifts.  Get a tree.  Decorate cookies and gingerbread houses.  One family did a contest with the houses and put people on teams.  Go to events, spread the joy, make food, watch movies, go on hikes, go skiing, sledding, ice skating.   Sing songs, ring the bell for charity, go a parade, a Christmas market, keep getting the picture with Santa.  Dp a secret Santa.  Make homemade gifts. Do a gift challenge from a certain store or dollar amount. Travel.  Invite other people to your home this year.  Go to the beach.  Do a polar plunge. The ideas are endless.  You get the freedom to create what kind of holiday you want now.   I think you have to embrace it and know that life is always changing.  And it will change again.  Maybe you will love having the Adult Christmas and then it will change with tons of grand kids. 

[HollyDay]

I could have written the original post on this thread.  Oldest is away ar college.  She wants a printer, mechanical pencils, and a WalMart gift card.  Youngest is attending local CC so she is still at home.  This is our first gluten free Christmas so I'm not overly excited about baking.  Dh is working quite a bit leading up to Christmas.  Both my parents have passed on as has my uncle (just this past spring), and dh's best friend (again, just this past May).  Our church has gotten huge....1000 per service.  Instead of that increase meaning more opportunity for meeting new people, I'm finding it has gotten more difficult to meet new people or visit with people I already know.  This season just feels odd.  I think the transition from no more homeschool has been difficult to begin with.  Throw the holidays in there and it is more highlighted.  Hallmark movies aren't helping either :) Both dds are feeling the stress of finals and papers coming due and presentations that are 30% of their grade. 

I'm focusing more on "the little things."  Going light looking and listening to Christmas music.  Watching old Christmas movies .....we saw White Christmas last night.  I mailed Christmas cards early this year (and yes, there are quite a few less than usual) but I included hand written personalized notes and messages in each...not a printed off Christmas letter.  Dh suggested we go see a production like Nutcracker or Handel's Messiah at the local performance hall. 

This holiday season is different.  But, I'm making the most of it.

[Serenade]

23 hours ago, mumto2 said:

 

 I am channeling my frustration into a crafting frenzy to decorate. 

 

I can feel this phase coming on, too. 

 

[Night Elf]

I have had a similar thread the past couple of Christmases. My kids have outgrown Christmas. We're not religious so we have no spiritual meaning tied to the holiday. This year they're all getting their regular cash gift but I'm also making sure everyone has one gift under the tree. We all wake up at different times and no one likes to sit in a circle and open presents in front of others. I have no idea why. I have never given embarrassing gifts. So this year they can open their present anytime during the day they choose. We won't have a family sit-down. Also my oldest dd doesn't live at home so she'll be at her boyfriend's parents and then her dad and stepmom's house. She'll drop in to exchange gifts with us around 8:00 pm or so.

I'm not cooking a huge meal because no one likes everything I cook. This year I'm making lasagna and lemon ice box pies. Ds can eat frozen chicken since most restaurants and his favorite grocery store will be closed. 

I really miss the days when my kids were young. Now I celebrate the holiday for me. I do the things that bring me joy and the others can join in or not. I hold no expectations anymore.

[J-rap]

I'm sorry it's hard for you.  Since reading this, I've been thinking about how we've kept up that magical Christmas spirit within our family, although it's hard to put my finger on it.  I guess part of it is that the focus has never really been on the presents (though don't get me wrong -- I loved figuring out the right gifts for each child and surprising them on Christmas morning!)  Of course as Christians, a lot of our focus has been on the Christian message, but I think God's message of love can be woven throughout the Christmas season whether one is a Christian or not, and I do love that.

I think a lot of it is recognizing that love, but also the capacity for we humans to love -- even in extraordinary circumstances, can change everything.  I think whether one is a Christian or not, this is something everyone can feel and observe around them.  It creates a feeling that something is greater than just our little lives here, and maybe that's part of what in turn creates a rather magical, mystical feeling, whether there are presents or traditions or whatever.  

We've had special Christmas traditions, but we've let them go at times too.  We've spent Christmases in airports, on airplanes, in hospitals, in strange places.  Once we spent a Christmas in a lone guest house in Frankfurt.  It was a kind of bleak place, and it was bitter cold outside and snowing.  We went there to be with one of our children who was living there at the time.  We were the only ones staying there.  It was very old and empty, just big halls and old rooms, like an old fashioned dormitory.  I had brought one small gift for each child, wrapped in newspaper.  As we sat there on our cots about to open our little gifts, the church bells began to play throughout the entire city.  It felt like a truly magical experience.  It is a vivid Christmas memory for all of our kids.

Another time we were at an airport layover all day on Christmas.  We picked a crowded busy restaurant and called it our Christmas dinner, and ordered special drinks.  Everyone at the restaurant was in a good mood because it was, after all, Christmas.  People were cheering each other and wishing each other Merry Christmas, and it also felt magical, because there we all were, together in that random moment in time, celebrating Christmas.

Another time we were in a hospital rehab wing, where a family member was.  We had dinner in the hospital lounge, and brought a little CD player with Christmas songs.  Other families were there too, all of whom were supporting a family member who was going through a very difficult medical event.  We were all there for each other, and it also felt magical.

Another time, Christmas dinner was cancelled because of a family emergency.  We had travelled to another town so weren't at home and didn't feel like trying to create a meal last minute.  We ended up eating at an Irish pub (one of the few restaurants open on Christmas day in the area) and having such a fun time.  We now sometimes do that as a tradition when it works out.

One year when we were without an income, we decided to have no gifts at all, but just gave "service" gifts to each other, or played a song on an instrument, etc.  Our kids love talking about that Christmas now.

For the past two Christmases, we've gathered in a central area (our home definitely isn't that!), and had Christmas dinner in my dd's tiny apartment.  She makes a big pot of soup, and we sit at random little tables that she's collected, sit on various sized chairs or ottomans, eat soup, open our one gift (gift exchange), and then play games and talk and laugh.  Those are magical experiences too!

So, I don't know what the connecting line is to all of that.  I guess we've learned to make the best of what we have, and to not expect anything more, but it still feels magical -- just by adding little touches where we can and appreciating the moment, and doing what we can for those we're with.  I'd say that as our kids get older -- they're now all young adults, the experiences feel even more magical because they don't rely on traditions and gifts.  It's more just taking advantage of whatever time we have, wherever we're at.  

Sorry, I don't mean to sound like I have it figured out.  Our circumstances over the years have been a bit unusual and have found us in interesting situations and places at times.  It's really only in hind site that I look back at those times and try and make sense of them!  

[Familia]

10 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I'm sorry it's hard for you.  Since reading this, I've been thinking about how we've kept up that magical Christmas spirit within our family, although it's hard to put my finger on it.  I guess part of it is that the focus has never really been on the presents (though don't get me wrong -- I loved figuring out the right gifts for each child and surprising them on Christmas morning!)  Of course as Christians, a lot of our focus has been on the Christian message, but I think God's message of love  ...

Sorry, I don't mean to sound like I have it figured out.  Our circumstances over the years have been a bit unusual and have found us in interesting situations and places at times.  It's really only in hind site that I look back at those times and try and make sense of them!  

I completely understand the 'having it figured out' part.  Those I know IRL think I have it figured out and, despite what I try to articulate, they do not realize the struggle for me as everyone scatters.  Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story.  I really appreciate the encouragement and perspective.  Perspective is exactly what I need, and all these perspectives are helping me see things differently.  I have tried, perhaps too hard, to keep everything the same while it really needs to adapt.  

[Familia]

19 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I am learning to do things by myself and still find joy in it. For example, our library has a program where Dickens carolers come each year.   My family has been busy and haven’t wanted to go with me so I have just gone by myself. I still enjoy it a lot. 

 

33 minutes ago, Night Elf said:

...I do the things that bring me joy and the others can join in or not...

 

I had not considered doing things on my own.  Especially going out to afternoon shows and musical performances that dh can't do with me d/t projects at home.  Great idea!

Family togetherness has been prized by me so much that, as the extrovert in an introverted family, it can come on too strong and everyone senses me trying too hard.  They used to accuse me of 'trying too hard' when they were teens, but now they are, I sense, beginning to appreciate that that is just who I am.  Fortunately, our family is rather polite, but I do have 'bad' memories where I tried to get us to sing carols around the light of the tree on Christmas Eve for years before I realized that they hated it and weren't just being teens.  Switched that to a new board game each year ... a much better fit for us.  I probably need to stop forcing so much togetherness (which causes me internal stress as I play into the 'silly-mom' role that makes me feel put-down, even if they are respectful) and do some things alone, the couple of things together, and appreciate them just being in the same house.  I am going to make a few notes, having it all in my head and not on paper is stressful anytime.  It will help me see that balance is possible.  The suggestions to make the religious aspect of Christmas front and center really should be heeded - thank you - our lives have the framework for that, but I have lost that focus.

[May]

21 hours ago, Familia said:

I guess I am finding joy, but not happiness.  Happiness is not guaranteed.  I need to let go.  Of my own expectations of being able to make everyone happy.  Really, I hope it isn't a control thing.  If it is, I need to nip that in the bud!  My family does probably see me as controlling, but I think that most mothers look controlling to some extent.  But, am I too much??

So, @May, did you just one year give less gifts?  I know, I know, I am focused on number of gifts again.  I think that, since everyone is still home on Christmas morning just like when they were younger, and there are no extra people involved yet, I find this change odd.  We are doing all the same routine, but everyone is old LOL.  Gift giving was really a blip between morning Mass and our feast together, but the rest of the afternoon was spent 'playing' with gifts.  (Christmas Eve is really my favorite, because we feast on hors d'oeuvres and a new game ... I began that many years ago in anticipation of the end of Christmas morning together ... thanks to @Kareni and @creekland for game ideas through the years)

I think I am stressed so much looking for the perfect gift to make the afternoon of Christmas a pure pleasure for them.  I could focus on finding a 'fun' item and a coffee-table book for each to make the hours pass, but I do like the suggestions of giving to others.  Maybe I can find someone for us to visit during the afternoon - even a nursing home or a shut-in through our parish.

As my daughters got older, they wanted more expensive gifts, computers, digital cameras, new phones, expensive purse, well you get the idea. So as they started asking for these types of things, I told them less gifts, sometimes only one, but I still did stockings. On their birthdays, different years, they each got a MacBook Pro. Those years, I told them it was also their Christmas present😊They didn’t complain. I pray that you find happiness this Christmas season🙏🏻

[Penguin]

@Hoggirl You are not the only one 🙂 I enjoy hanging out with my young adults at least as much as I enjoyed orchestrating Christmas for little kids. And this stage is far less work, lol. 

BUT, my three kids are rarely all together on Christmas for several years now, and I am still not used to that. Our oldest will be with us the week before Christmas, and we won't see the middle one at all. I am trying to think up ways to make a good Christmas for our youngest (DS17). This will be his first Christmas without any siblings in the house on Christmas Day. But at least he will have his brother here the week before.

Edited November 28, 2018 by Penguin

[Hoggirl]

@Penguin

I did have the multiple children challenges explained to me by a friend who also has three children.  Since I’m an only, and ds is an only, the challenges of getting siblings home at the same time was something I hadn’t considered!

 

[regentrude]

4 hours ago, Penguin said:

@Hoggirl You are not the only one 🙂 I enjoy hanging out with my young adults at least as much as I enjoyed orchestrating Christmas for little kids. And this stage is far less work, lol. 

BUT, my three kids are rarely all together on Christmas for several years now, and I am still not used to that. Our oldest will be with us the week before Christmas, and we won't see the middle one at all. I am trying to think up ways to make a good Christmas for our youngest (DS17). This will be his first Christmas without any siblings in the house on Christmas Day. But at least he will have his brother here the week before.

We are not quite there yet, but I can see the signs. DS will be home; his gf's parents live in our town, so we expect them to come home for holidays a while longer. DD will make a brief appearance and then leave Christmas day again because she has to work on the 26th; she and her bf are splitting up for Christmas, were both here for Thanksgiving, and are going to his parents for New years. But if she moves further away that is not easily driveable? Who knows.

I am planning to be chill about the whole holiday thing and not get upset about kids not coming home on the actual day. I will not fight over which ones we "get" and which the in-laws "get". It's just a day. The celebrations can be moved to whenever is convenient.

I miss the large family Christmasses back home, when all siblings and grandmother and great-grandmother congregated at my parents' house. I have not been able to celebrate Christmas back home for many years (adding for clarity: I do visit home, but not at holidays), and I miss my folks very much at Christmas. It gets easier, but still...

Edited November 28, 2018 by regentrude

[Familia]

59 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I am planning to be chill about the whole holiday thing and not get upset about kids not coming home on the actual day. I will not fight over which ones we "get" and which the in-laws "get". It's just a day. The celebrations can be moved to whenever is convenient.

I miss the large family Christmasses back home, when all siblings and grandmother and great-grandmother congregated at my parents' house. I have not been able to celebrate Christmas back home for many years, and I miss my folks very much at Christmas. It gets easier, but still...

I am sorry that you have not been home for many years.

It is likely on the near radar for some/one child to be far away.  I can see preferring them staying where they are so they don't have to travel in bad weather.  Another letting go thing - they can/will/should do what is best for them and their current circumstances.  

Thinking of passing the baton on how holidays are celebrated makes me think of the threads about expecting our elders to adapt to the giving up of homes/all possessions and moving in with us/nursing homes.  The speeding up of time as one ages makes it so ironic to me that just as I was getting good at 'controlling' their lives by choosing the correct curricula and gently placing them on their own particular track to success through the right jobs/volunteer opportunities, I am now asked to let the holidays go to their schedules.  In the blink of an eye, aka tomorrow, I will be asked to toss out all my clutter and move across the country because it will be obvious to all but me that I can no longer live alone.   LOL - sorta!  But, I digress ...

[GailV]

YIkes, just got a call from older dd that she isn't coming home for Christmas after all because she's going on tour as the costume person for Grinch -- very unexpected, sudden change of plans (apparently Things Happened behind the scenes, so here we are ...).  The tour will have a day off here in St. Louis on Dec 12th, but in an bizarre twist I'll be the only other family member in town that day. 

We're happy for her to have this opportunity, but I imagine in a few days I'll be hanging about on here all maudlin and whining to y'all about not having her at home; and taking notes about how others cope with not having their kids home for the holidays. Stay tuned!

 

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, Familia said:

I am sorry that you have not been home for many years.

 

Oh, I do go home every year - just never for holidays (little time, bad weather, horrendous airfare). 

Thinking of passing the baton on how holidays are celebrated makes me think of the threads about expecting our elders to adapt to the giving up of homes/all possessions and moving in with us/nursing homes.  The speeding up of time as one ages makes it so ironic to me that just as I was getting good at 'controlling' their lives by choosing the correct curricula and gently placing them on their own particular track to success through the right jobs/volunteer opportunities, I am now asked to let the holidays go to their schedules.  In the blink of an eye, aka tomorrow, I will be asked to toss out all my clutter and move across the country because it will be obvious to all but me that I can no longer live alone.   LOL - sorta!  But, I digress ...

I hope there will still be many decades until it comes to that!

 

[Familia]

3 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Oh, I do go home every year - just never for holidays (little time, bad weather, horrendous airfare). 

 

 

I hope there will still be many decades until it comes to that!

 

Very glad to hear that, and, yes, I do catastrophize!

[Familia]

7 minutes ago, GailV said:

We're happy for her to have this opportunity, but I imagine in a few days I'll be hanging about on here all maudlin and whining to y'all about not having her at home; and taking notes about how others cope with not having their kids home for the holidays. Stay tuned!

That calls for creative Christmas adapting.  Fun and cool about the Grinch, though!