Our 20 y.o. dd came out to me on Saturday.....

[J'swife]

I was blindsided and shocked(she seriously hid it very well and is a great actor) she didn't do it in a nice "mom, I need to talk to you about something" way either, she just started spewing words and oh by the way "I'm a lesbian." Take that and my first response was "we aren't telling your dad until you move out." Ultimately though after being a wreck the rest of the day and on into Sunday, I told her he had to know as well.  I told him Sunday evening after we got done with a "beer & Hymns" at the local taproom, I told him that she didn't want him to know, (because she really didn't) and that she was afraid we would kick her out.  His first response was "geesh" and he said we would never kick her out and then we prayed and when we prayed his said we failed as parents, which I totally DO NOT believe. I'm sure in his mind he thinks that this is a "choice" that she's made, she has several friends that are gay that she hangs out with and he probably thinks they are the reason as well.  I know all of that is false.  I have one close friend that I have told and yesterday was the first day that I did not cry.  I guess the reason I need to share this more is to ask for prayer for my family and definitely for my husband.  We haven't spoken of it since and he's not said a word to her (which is not that uncommon, he is gone all day long and she's usually sleeping when he leaves and then he just comes home and vegs for the rest of the night.) She currently lives at home and will finish her bachelors here in about 2 months and will continue on her masters and  live at home until she finds a full time job that she can support herself and move out.  We are a very conservative Christian family and I know the thought of all of this is very hard for him, he does have a lesbian cousin and I have a cousin that is married to his partner, but when we got invited to his wedding my husband wanted to send a letter to him as to why it was wrong.  (over my dead body) Anyway, please be praying for my family and if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it.  I love my daughter with all of my heart no matter what and do not want the relationship to be ruined.

[Soror]

Hugs to you all (hugs)

[SamanthaCarter]

Does she profess faith? That would be helpful to know as I pray for your family. You are not failed parents. >hug<

[Katy]

Hugs.  You are not failed parents.

[Guest]

I am sorry. I would very much struggle to accept that and dh would probably react very similarly to your dh. I am also sorry you had to hear this in what sounds like an ugly manner. Probably she felt aggitated knowing it would be hard for you and her dad to hear and so she didn’t try to break the news gently. 

Again - so sorry. 

[Garga]

Do you have Netflix?  If so I have a dorky sounding suggestion.  There’s a show Queer Eye about 5 gay men who do makeovers for people.  Episode 9 of season 1 may be a good one to watch.  Depending on how you handle this now, you can leave the door open for your daughter to hold on to God, or you can slam that door down hard if she’s met with disgust or utter rejection.  

In that episode, it shows the anguish of two men who told their Christian families they were gay, and were rejected.  They loved God and loved their family and loved their church and were rejected. In the episode, one is trying to turn back to his family and to God and is terrified of yet more rejection, but is taking the step.  The other one simply won’t even set his foot inside a church anymore in a mixture of pain and fear and anger.  

So...go gently.  Seriously ask what Jesus would do.  And we know the answer to that: he’d love her and just like Zacchaeus , he’d head over to her house for dinner and be with her.  Your daughter already knows what you and your husband think.  She already knows the scriptures you’d use.  Just love her now. 

ETA: that Queer Eye epsiode also told the story of the very loving mom who mourned the loss of “what would have been in my son could have been a husband to a wife and a father to his own biological children” and had learned to love and embrace her son, even with her faith that told her being gay was wrong.  Her feelings and journey may resonate with you.

Edited November 1, 2018 by Garga

[laundrycrisis]

Hugs. She didn’t change - she just gave you information you didn’t have before.  She is the same daughter you have always loved.  There is no failure and no mistake.  Your challenge and your husband’s challenge  is to grow in acceptance and love.  Ideas you both may have emotional attachments to are being challenged in a way that is close to your heart. So you have the discomfort of that to get through.  The hard part is coming from your own growth, not anything your daughter is doing.  Your mental position, and his -  these are the things that are changing, because she was already gay.  

For me, if religion influences views on an issue in any direction that is less loving, the religious ideas should be what changes. And you don’t need anyone’s permission to do that. 

[Selkie]

I'm sorry. I really hope your dh comes around and accepts your dd for who she is and doesn't destroy the relationship. I can't imagine how stressful this is for your poor dd.?

[mom@shiloh]

I'm sorry. That must have been hard to hear, especially with no preamble. I will pray for wisdom for you and your dh.

[ashfern]

1 hour ago, laundrycrisis said:

Hugs. She didn’t change - she just gave you information you didn’t have before.  She is the same daughter you have always loved.

1

This is so powerful! Sorry that she dropped this on you in an inelegant way.

[Farrar]

Hugs. I grew up in a church that was very Christian, but also very gay-positive. I know that there were a lot of families who found their way there who came at first because they needed to find some middle ground between the church they had always known and the reality that their family was now living. Basically, I don't have a specific resource for you, but I hope you can find support in a Christian community that's based in real love and acceptance for LGBTQ people. 

[BeachGal]

I have a bisexual son, who leans more toward gay, but is attracted to both women and men. He seriously dated a young woman, whom he loved very much and was sexually attracted to, but now dates a young man whom we all like very much. We emphasize good health and healthy relationships.

You did not fail in any way so don't beat yourself up. Her being a lesbian probably has to do more with her neurology, how her brain has developed. There are a few studies out there that show this. More factors may be at play as well, but it is very unlikely your parenting.

Going forward she needs to know most of all that you still love her and always will. It is very scary to come out, even sometimes in accepting families.

Although she might not marry a man, it doesn't mean she can't have children. It doesn't mean she wouldn't make a wonderful mother. Many gay people do have children and are wonderful parents. A friend of mine back in the 70s had two dads. Her father was technically bisexual and after his wife died from cancer, he began living with a man. The four kids all thrived. My friend said that she was very thankful to have her father's partner in her life growing up. Today, my friend and her siblings are all in their 50s and her father and his partner are in their 80s, and the whole family is very strong and caring.

Find a church that supports and accepts all of you. That was one of the best things our family did.

[MEmama]

1 hour ago, laundrycrisis said:

Hugs. She didn’t change - she just gave you information you didn’t have before.  She is the same daughter you have always loved.  There is no failure and no mistake.  Your challenge and your husband’s challenge  is to grow in acceptance and love.  Ideas you both may have emotional attachments to are being challenged in a way that is close to your heart. So you have the discomfort of that to get through.  The hard part is coming from your own growth, not anything your daughter is doing.  Your mental position, and his -  these are the things that are changing, because she was already gay.  

For me, if religion influences views on an issue in any direction that is less loving, the religious ideas should be what changes. And you don’t need anyone’s permission to do that. 

This is perfect.

[J'swife]

3 hours ago, SamanthaCarter said:

Does she profess faith? That would be helpful to know as I pray for your family. You are not failed parents. >hug<

 She is a believer & attends a church that welcomes all. 

[J'swife]

Thanks everyone, & for the person that asked, we do not have Netflix. Just pray, pray, pray for my dh. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

Praying for you, your dh, and your daughter!!  As hard as it was for you to hear, it was equally, if not harder for your daughter to carry that secret, knowing how your dh feels.  I'm sure her anxiety over this led her telling you in a less-than-eloquent way.  Like others have said, love your daughter.  You did not fail.  

 

[J-rap]

I'm sure that was a shock for you...  When such big, important things go unexpectedly with our children, it's heart-wrenching.   (Believe me, I know!)

You didn't fail.

Maybe, just maybe, the church's traditional approach to this has been wrong.  

Speaking from a Christian perspective here...

Sure, we believe that God has "ideals" for this world.  But, we live in a world that is not ideal, and things happen...differently.  God stoops to us wherever we're at.  (And believe me, He has to stoop to ALL of us...  We all fall into that category.)   That doesn't even make the "different thing" wrong -- it's just different than expected, maybe different than ideal.  I'm sure your dd would rather not have to go this hard path, either!  

I've wrestled with a lot of these issues in recent years, and have concluded that in the end, it doesn't even matter!  Jesus's calling is simple: to love God, and to love others as we'd want to be loved.  If a person isn't taking advantage of or hurting someone else, if they are acting out of love given their own brains and experiences, that's really the best we can ask of each other, isn't it?

Your dd may do things completely differently, and as uncomfortable as that feels, it's okay.  God loves her.  

This is a theologian I'd recommend.  He's very Christ-centered, and has a refreshing view of the life we're called to live here on Earth.

https://reknew.org/about/

Take care.  I know this isn't easy, for anyone involved!

[J-rap]

23 minutes ago, dirty ethel rackham said:

Praying for you, your dh, and your daughter!!  As hard as it was for you to hear, it was equally, if not harder for your daughter to carry that secret, knowing how your dh feels.  I'm sure her anxiety over this led her telling you in a less-than-eloquent way.  Like others have said, love your daughter.  You did not fail.  

 

Yes, definitely!  I'd overlook that part completely.  Poor thing.

[PrincessMommy]

Hugs and prayers as you all move forward.  

[Guest]

46 minutes ago, texasmom33 said:

This is beautifully said. I might just need to frame this. 

Hugs to you OP. It's going to be okay, and I will pray for you, your dh, and your dd. 

I agree. There’s a ton of wisdom here. 

 

[J'swife]

After a week my dh hasn’t directly spoken to our daughter, I know he spoke with our pastor Monday evening & today after church is the first time we’ve even spoken about things. Our pastor said he’s willing to meet with us (I think he meant as a family.) My dh said to me on the way home that we need to talk to dd at some point (basically so he can preach to her & tell her she needs to repent & that she’s not making the right choice) but he said we need to be united, which we aren’t. I’ve only said we just need to love her & pray for her. I really don’t know what I am supposed to do other than pray. I told dd that dh plans to talk to her at some point. Life is so messy. Please keep praying for us, he will never be supportive, I think having a relationship is going to take a miracle even. I plan to have one with her no matter what. 

[maize]

This book might be worth a read, the author is from a very religious Mormon family (one of his brothers is in a top position in LDS church hierarchy) and is gay. I think it is a worthwhile read for religious families that struggle to know how to relate to a gay child because Tom feels like his parents and siblings generally handled his coming out well and he (and his eventual partner) continued to feel welcomed and loved by his family in spite of their serious doctrinal concerns.

https://www.amazon.com/That-We-May-One-Perspective-ebook/dp/B075DJ2WF6

 

Edited November 5, 2018 by maize

[laundrycrisis]

20 minutes ago, J'swife said:

After a week my dh hasn’t directly spoken to our daughter, I know he spoke with our pastor Monday evening & today after church is the first time we’ve even spoken about things. Our pastor said he’s willing to meet with us (I think he meant as a family.) My dh said to me on the way home that we need to talk to dd at some point (basically so he can preach to her & tell her she needs to repent & that she’s not making the right choice) but he said we need to be united, which we aren’t. I’ve only said we just need to love her & pray for her. I really don’t know what I am supposed to do other than pray. I told dd that dh plans to talk to her at some point. Life is so messy. Please keep praying for us, he will never be supportive, I think having a relationship is going to take a miracle even. I plan to have one with her no matter what. 

 

IMO what you are supposed to do is be an example of loving kindness and higher moral behavior for your husband to learn from.   Make up your mind not to give any room to anyone who is going to shame her for being gay.  I would walk away from the church in a heartbeat and never look back if they are anything other that 100% accepting.  He could make his choice to follow me out or not. 

Edited November 5, 2018 by laundrycrisis

[ktgrok]

Remind your husband that he can't influence her if she shuts him out because he has ruined their relationship. That children who are rejected by their parents are at risk of suicide.

Also, this is between her and God. She's an adult. 

As for failing as a parent, remind him maybe that God is the perfect parent, and yet look how Adam and Eve turned out! This is not about your parenting. 

Also, if he is open to it, at some point, there are Christians who believe that the procolmations against homosexuality are not what they seem. That they are based on it being "unnatural" but we now know that it IS natural, as in, biological, and so we may need to take another look at the biblical arguments. 

Either way, no matter what he thinks, God is a merciful God, and doesn't expect perfection. He does put a heavy emphasis on relationship though,to the point of coming to earth and letting his son be crucified to have a better relationship with us. 

Hugs. 

[kbutton]

Big hugs. No advice here, but I agree that she knows how her dad feels, and he doesn't need to vocalize that. I am sorry you are stuck in the middle, and I pray that you will have wise words to speak as you need them.

[Scarlett]

On 11/1/2018 at 6:22 AM, J'swife said:

I was blindsided and shocked(she seriously hid it very well and is a great actor) she didn't do it in a nice "mom, I need to talk to you about something" way either, she just started spewing words and oh by the way "I'm a lesbian." Take that and my first response was "we aren't telling your dad until you move out." Ultimately though after being a wreck the rest of the day and on into Sunday, I told her he had to know as well.  I told him Sunday evening after we got done with a "beer & Hymns" at the local taproom, I told him that she didn't want him to know, (because she really didn't) and that she was afraid we would kick her out.  His first response was "geesh" and he said we would never kick her out and then we prayed and when we prayed his said we failed as parents, which I totally DO NOT believe. I'm sure in his mind he thinks that this is a "choice" that she's made, she has several friends that are gay that she hangs out with and he probably thinks they are the reason as well.  I know all of that is false.  I have one close friend that I have told and yesterday was the first day that I did not cry.  I guess the reason I need to share this more is to ask for prayer for my family and definitely for my husband.  We haven't spoken of it since and he's not said a word to her (which is not that uncommon, he is gone all day long and she's usually sleeping when he leaves and then he just comes home and vegs for the rest of the night.) She currently lives at home and will finish her bachelors here in about 2 months and will continue on her masters and  live at home until she finds a full time job that she can support herself and move out.  We are a very conservative Christian family and I know the thought of all of this is very hard for him, he does have a lesbian cousin and I have a cousin that is married to his partner, but when we got invited to his wedding my husband wanted to send a letter to him as to why it was wrong.  (over my dead body) Anyway, please be praying for my family and if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it.  I love my daughter with all of my heart no matter what and do not want the relationship to be ruined.

I am wondering how this works in your life and your marriage.....you are very conservative Christian....does that translate to believing the practice of homosexuality is wrong? And if so, and if that is what your husband believes ( as evidenced by his desire to write a letter to your cousin) then is it what you have taught your children?   If so, then she is now telling you, I am choosing to live in a way that is contrary to the values you have taught me.  So your response to that seems to ‘sure!’, while your husbands seems to be, ‘we believe this to be wrong’.  So why is your husband in the wrong here?  He seems to be the one living and reacting in harmony with his professed beliefs while you are saying ‘well, yes up to the point someone i care about wants to live that way then all bets are off’. 

I am sorry for all of this.  For you, for your daughter....it is difficult.  But I am bothered that your husband seems to be ‘in the wrong’ for simply upholding his beliefs.   So far he hasn’t been rash....he hasn’t screamed insults at her or thrown her stuff on the lawn.  So I am curious what is expected of him.  To love her? Of course he loves her.....but does that require acceptance of behaviors he has always believed to be a sin?  Because sins dont stop being sins just because our loved ones are doing said things.  

 

 

[maize]

30 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am wondering how this works in your life and your marriage.....you are very conservative Christian....does that translate to believing the practice of homosexuality is wrong? And if so, and if that is what your husband believes ( as evidenced by his desire to write a letter to your cousin) then is it what you have taught your children?   If so, then she is now telling you, I am choosing to live in a way that is contrary to the values you have taught me.  So your response to that seems to ‘sure!’, while your husbands seems to be, ‘we believe this to be wrong’.  So why is your husband in the wrong here?  He seems to be the one living and reacting in harmony with his professed beliefs while you are saying ‘well, yes up to the point someone i care about wants to live that way then all bets are off’. 

I am sorry for all of this.  For you, for your daughter....it is difficult.  But I am bothered that your husband seems to be ‘in the wrong’ for simply upholding his beliefs.   So far he hasn’t been rash....he hasn’t screamed insults at her or thrown her stuff on the lawn.  So I am curious what is expected of him.  To love her? Of course he loves her.....but does that require acceptance of behaviors he has always believed to be a sin?  Because sins dont stop being sins just because our loved ones are doing said things.  

 

 

Part of the difficulty with navigating this issue is that the dd probably doesn't think of lesbian as something she is doing but rather as something she is. 

So that "this behavior is a sin" can be received and experienced as "you are a sin/evil".

I'm actually theologically in the camp of "any sexual behavior outside of male/female marriage is a sin" but when it comes to personal relationships with a person who identifies as gay "I love you as you are" may be more important to communicate than "I am judging your behavior as wrong"--especially when that comes across as "I am judging you as wrong/bad/sinful".

[Farrar]

38 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am wondering how this works in your life and your marriage.....you are very conservative Christian....does that translate to believing the practice of homosexuality is wrong? And if so, and if that is what your husband believes ( as evidenced by his desire to write a letter to your cousin) then is it what you have taught your children?   If so, then she is now telling you, I am choosing to live in a way that is contrary to the values you have taught me.  So your response to that seems to ‘sure!’, while your husbands seems to be, ‘we believe this to be wrong’.  So why is your husband in the wrong here?  He seems to be the one living and reacting in harmony with his professed beliefs while you are saying ‘well, yes up to the point someone i care about wants to live that way then all bets are off’. 

I am sorry for all of this.  For you, for your daughter....it is difficult.  But I am bothered that your husband seems to be ‘in the wrong’ for simply upholding his beliefs.   So far he hasn’t been rash....he hasn’t screamed insults at her or thrown her stuff on the lawn.  So I am curious what is expected of him.  To love her? Of course he loves her.....but does that require acceptance of behaviors he has always believed to be a sin?  Because sins dont stop being sins just because our loved ones are doing said things.  

 

 

Refusing to talk to her for a full week seems nearly as childish to me as screaming and throwing things, honestly. "I'm hurt and I don't know how to process this now and I need time," is an okay thing to say. "I love you, but I don't know how to accept this and I need some time apart," isn't as awesome, but still totally understandable. Pretending a child isn't there is not loving. I'm sure he's hurting and stunned and going through something difficult, but I don't understand how that could possibly be okay, even if you think she's a sinner for who she is.

[Katy]

Does he think sexual orientation is 100% a choice at all times, or does he acknowledge that she really could be oriented to be solely attracted to females, whether she chooses to be celibate or not?  Regardless, he could choose to treat this like some other sin he wouldn't find as offensive.  Perhaps if you had a son struggling with porn- I imagine his reaction to that wouldn't be happy, but it wouldn't be isolation either.  It would be something along the lines of, "I love you, I'll always love you, I can't support you looking at porn, so as long as you live in this house so I'll be limiting your internet access and expecting to spend more time with you."  Or whatever other natural consequence he could think of that would support the relationship but not the sin.

As an aside, I remember the first time I read through the New Testament was when I was maybe 12 or 13 years old. I got the distinct impression that Paul, writer of most of the New Testament, was gay and that he chose to deal with it with celibacy. It was only as an adult that I learned that there are many theologians who have pretty logical reasons to believe exactly that.  If they were correct, his orientation wasn't enough to keep him from being used by God to write most of the New Testament. Obviously none of us know if that was the thorn in Paul's flesh, but it might make YOU feel better if you read through Paul's writings and ask yourself if that could be true.  Everyone can be used by God, no matter what they are personally most tempted with.

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, Farrar said:

Refusing to talk to her for a full week seems nearly as childish to me as screaming and throwing things, honestly. "I'm hurt and I don't know how to process this now and I need time," is an okay thing to say. "I love you, but I don't know how to accept this and I need some time apart," isn't as awesome, but still totally understandable. Pretending a child isn't there is not loving. I'm sure he's hurting and stunned and going through something difficult, but I don't understand how that could possibly be okay, even if you think she's a sinner for who she is.

OP said it was very normal for her husband to not talk to their dd all week due to schedules.  It didn’t sound like some sort of silent treatment. 

[Scarlett]

Just now, StellaM said:

 

Mom isn't saying 'sure' - she's praying about it. Can't help but consider that a positive. 

I wonder if Dad should be meditating on the whole 'let he who is without sin' bit ?

Well maybe he is.  I don’t know.  But the nit casting the first stone is a far cry from acceptance. 

[livetoread]

The daughter knows her parents think it’s a sin. Continuing to mention that they think it’s a sin over and over does nothing but alienate her. 

I have a close relationship with my conservative Christian parents even though I’m now a nonbeliever. I know they think it’s a sin, but they love me anyway and don’t mention it (well rarely, lol). We have plenty else to talk about. If they continued to make an issue about it, I’d have to cut them off for my own mental health’s sake. I don’t want to do that. They don’t want to do that. There are ways of staying in relationship with someone you think is sinning, starting with respecting that the other person is in charge of their own life. Not challenging someone about his or her behavior doesn’t mean you approve. We work around each other’s beliefs. I know they don’t approve. They know I have issues with their beliefs. We love each other anyway.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, livetoread said:

The daughter knows her parents think it’s a sin. Continuing to mention that they think it’s a sin over and over does nothing but alienate her.

As far as I can tell her father hasn’t talked to her at all....much less over and over again. 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

He doesn't have to accept it. But it's not good fathering to reject her.

And thus the conversation goes to what is rejecting her vs a lifestyle choice. They have to figure that out.  But the feel of the thread was that the father is the dreadful one for his belief.  

Edited November 5, 2018 by Scarlett

[Farrar]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

OP said it was very normal for her husband to not talk to their dd all week due to schedules.  It didn’t sound like some sort of silent treatment. 

She said all day in the OP. I think it's pretty clear from her later post that this is not normal, though I could be wrong.

Look, I don't personally support the "hate the sin, love the sinner" approach, but at least that's understandable. Refusing to talk to your kid is something else. Love doesn't mean berating a kid either.

OP, lots of LGBTQ youth end up homeless and are at risk for exploitation because they're kicked out or driven out of their homes, often as students. I think the best thing you can do with your dd right now is make a plan to ensure that she has somewhere to go if it gets really bad at home. Somewhere safe. And that she's preparing herself for financial independence, perhaps ahead of the schedule you had originally intended. And this is an act of love for her. And hopefully an act that can preserve your loving relationship with her and maybe do that miracle and allow your dh to have a relationship with her one day as well. Because if home becomes an unsafe place for her, then there's even less of a chance that the relationship can be salvaged one day.

[livetoread]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

As far as I can tell her father hasn’t talked to her at all....much less over and over again. 

Do you really think the daughter will be surprised to hear he thinks it’s a sin? I have little doubt that she is well aware of both of her parents’ position. What is uncertain for her is how they are going to react. What is going to happen to the relationship now? That’s what is up in the air, not whether they think it’s a sin.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, livetoread said:

Do you really think the daughter will be surprised to hear he thinks it’s a sin? I have little doubt that she is well aware of both of her parents’ position. What is uncertain for her is how they are going to react. What is going to happen to the relationship now? That’s what is up in the air, not whether they think it’s a sin.

You said over and over again as if she were being Beaten over the head with a Bible.  And yes both parents will have to figure out how they deal with her from here on out.  

[Frances]

Just now, Scarlett said:

You said over and over again as if she were being Beaten over the head with a Bible.  And yes both parents will have to figure out how they deal with her from here on out.  

Well if he was wanting to write a letter to his wife’s gay cousin explaining how wrong the impending marriage was, it’s not too much of a stretch to think that he will potentially want to do the same repeatedly with his daughter. I can’t even fathom the amount of hubris needed to even contemplate doing such a thing to a distant relative. It’s not like every gay couple out there doesn’t know there are people who disapprove.

[Tanaqui]

Quote

Take that and my first response was "we aren't telling your dad until you move out." Ultimately though after being a wreck the rest of the day and on into Sunday, I told her he had to know as well.  I told him Sunday evening after we got done with a "beer & Hymns" at the local taproom, I told him that she didn't want him to know, (because she really didn't) and that she was afraid we would kick her out.

 

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Am I reading this right? Did you choose to out your daughter to your husband against her wishes? Because, if so, then I think the first thing you need to do is apologize to her. This was a bad move. Even if you thought he'd be great and supportive - and neither of you did think that, and he wasn't - you really can't do that. When people tell you things in confidence, this is because they trust you. And yeah - you blew it. Not because your daughter is gay, that's got nothing to do with you, but because when she took a chance on telling you this, you went and told somebody she wasn't going to tell.

I can't join this support-fest until you make amends to your daughter for screwing this one up. You can't out people without their permission. Not even to their parents. And I'm a little surprised nobody has told you this yet. Maybe I missed it.

[J-rap]

On 11/1/2018 at 7:37 AM, laundrycrisis said:

Hugs. She didn’t change - she just gave you information you didn’t have before.  She is the same daughter you have always loved.  There is no failure and no mistake.  Your challenge and your husband’s challenge  is to grow in acceptance and love.  Ideas you both may have emotional attachments to are being challenged in a way that is close to your heart. So you have the discomfort of that to get through.  The hard part is coming from your own growth, not anything your daughter is doing.  Your mental position, and his -  these are the things that are changing, because she was already gay.  

For me, if religion influences views on an issue in any direction that is less loving, the religious ideas should be what changes. And you don’t need anyone’s permission to do that. 

Yes, exactly.  

[J'swife]

4 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

 

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Am I reading this right? Did you choose to out your daughter to your husband against her wishes? Because, if so, then I think the first thing you need to do is apologize to her. This was a bad move. Even if you thought he'd be great and supportive - and neither of you did think that, and he wasn't - you really can't do that. When people tell you things in confidence, this is because they trust you. And yeah - you blew it. Not because your daughter is gay, that's got nothing to do with you, but because when she took a chance on telling you this, you went and told somebody she wasn't going to tell.

I can't join this support-fest until you make amends to your daughter for screwing this one up. You can't out people without their permission. Not even to their parents. And I'm a little surprised nobody has told you this yet. Maybe I missed it.

By Sunday I spoke with her again & told her it wasn’t something that I could keep hidden, as it was tearing me up & she said that I could tell him, but that she wasn’t going to be the one to. She knew how he would react, hence why it’s taken over 6 years. 

[J'swife]

4 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

 

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Am I reading this right? Did you choose to out your daughter to your husband against her wishes? Because, if so, then I think the first thing you need to do is apologize to her. This was a bad move. Even if you thought he'd be great and supportive - and neither of you did think that, and he wasn't - you really can't do that. When people tell you things in confidence, this is because they trust you. And yeah - you blew it. Not because your daughter is gay, that's got nothing to do with you, but because when she took a chance on telling you this, you went and told somebody she wasn't going to tell.

I can't join this support-fest until you make amends to your daughter for screwing this one up. You can't out people without their permission. Not even to their parents. And I'm a little surprised nobody has told you this yet. Maybe I missed it.

By Sunday I spoke with her again & told her it wasn’t something that I could keep hidden, as it was tearing me up & she said that I could tell him, but that she wasn’t going to be the one to. She knew how he would react, hence why it’s taken over 6 years. 

 

5 hours ago, Farrar said:

She said all day in the OP. I think it's pretty clear from her later post that this is not normal, though I could be wrong.

Look, I don't personally support the "hate the sin, love the sinner" approach, but at least that's understandable. Refusing to talk to your kid is something else. Love doesn't mean berating a kid either.

OP, lots of LGBTQ youth end up homeless and are at risk for exploitation because they're kicked out or driven out of their homes, often as students. I think the best thing you can do with your dd right now is make a plan to ensure that she has somewhere to go if it gets really bad at home. Somewhere safe. And that she's preparing herself for financial independence, perhaps ahead of the schedule you had originally intended. And this is an act of love for her. And hopefully an act that can preserve your loving relationship with her and maybe do that miracle and allow your dh to have a relationship with her one day as well. Because if home becomes an unsafe place for her, then there's even less of a chance that the relationship can be salvaged one day.

My dd is usually not awake when dh leaves, but Wednesday- Friday she was up & sitting on the couch & he didn’t say 2 words to her any day & yesterday we were visiting with the neighbor & though he made comments regarding things we were talking about, he still really didn’t directly talk to her, other than telling her what good is a job that only lasts 3 months. (She’s finishing up Accounting major & has a 2nd interview for a tax season position. She wants to start on her Masters right away & will have 3 months if school paid, so it makes sense to me.) 

[northcoast]

Re: 2nd interview & job: she should take the job if there aren't other job options on the table. Three months experience are better than none. I speak from experience. After DH graduated with his master's we moved to a small town for his job where there weren't as many jobs. I had to work a tax season to get my foot in the door for full time work with a local CPA firm.  I had accounting work experience & a degree but not tax experience prior to that. The fact she has had a 2nd interview for a seasonal job tells me things are competetive.

Prayers and hugs for everything!

[livetoread]

Your daughter is in a very fragile emotional place right now. Again, her vulnerability doesn’t come from wondering if her parents approve of her being a lesbian. She knows you don’t. What she is vulnerable over is wondering how lovable she still is now. Is she so awful, so unlovable that even her own parents have to push her away? 

Right now, at least for one parent, the answer is yes. There is damage being done here, and the longer she is rejected, the harder it will be to repair the damage. She needs to not just hear it, but feel it, that her parents still love her. One of the reasons lgbti kids engage in self-destructive behaviors is because they wonder, deep in their core, if they are worthy of love, especially if they have received messages growing up that who they are is a very negative thing. I’m so sorry this is on your shoulders, op, but it is.

[umsami]

I'm glad that she felt comfortable to tell you and that your husband didn't kick her out.

Many many conservative Christian parents have walked this path...and I'm sure you can find a tribe to support you.   I will be praying for your entire family.

[Farrar]

OP, the more that you've said about this, the more that I think you and she need to make a concrete plan in case she cannot stay in the house as originally intended to do her master's degree. She's lucky that she chose a major that can potentially yield a job that might make her financially independent sooner. Taking a tax season job is a good idea even if it's short term - especially if it's the only thing available or if it pays better than longer term work. It's money and a resume builder because it's in her field. If any assets she has are controlled by you or your dh in any way, she needs to get her own now. She should get a credit card now in her own name if she doesn't already have one. She should consider getting her own, independent phone plan now in case she gets suddenly cut off. Since she's also Christian, I would find her LGBTQ friendly Christian support right now - even if you're not ready for a church with a different view of homosexuality yet (or even if you never are, that's up to you), she needs one and needs pastoral care or youth ministers who have experience dealing with people in her situation - and not a place that is "friendly" in that they want to change her in a "nice" way, but genuinely supportive. She should have a plan of a place to go if things at home become too difficult for her. She should also potentially scope out apartments and neighborhoods. She should have a transportation plan in mind, especially if she doesn't have her own car. Keep in mind that difficult for her may be different than for you. The psychological difficulty of living with a father who is as judgmental as you're portraying could become overwhelming and feel unsafe to her after a point. But also, from what you're describing, he could potentially kick her out of the house with little notice.

Hopefully, none of this will turn out to be necessary. But a plan seems really warranted right now. Plans don't make things worse or precipitate a crisis. Plans give people room to work things out or space to take care of themselves if they can't be worked out.

[chiguirre]

18 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

In any case, it's the OP's job to respond in the best way possible for her and dd; I don't know why everyone (general)  assumes that it's also her job to 'fix' Dad. Also (general, not directed at you) give the parents some space! Right or wrong, their closely held beliefs just got challenged big time. Let them have more than a week to work through it.

 

Normally, it wouldn't be OP's responsibility but she is the one who outed her 20 yo dd to her husband and precipitated the crisis. I do think she has a moral obligation to help dd find a place to live if her husband decides to either kick her out or make life unbearable. It's great that dd is going to graduate in May with solid job prospects but she has to make it through 2 more semesters or she may well end up effectively homeless.

OP, do you have an emergency stash of cash you can lend dd to cover first/last/security deposit? Could you borrow from a sibling or parent if worse came to worst? Do you have a relative who would let your dd move in till graduation in an emergency? Does your dd have a friend that could do that for her? Could she move in to the dorms or pick up a sublet quickly and ask for more financial aid to cover the cost? Once you have a Plan B in place you'll both feel safer and calmer.

[Tanaqui]

I'm sorry, I don't think you're off the hook. She knew telling Dad was a bad idea, you knew it was a bad idea - did she really have the power to stop you from informing him? Did she know/believe that? You still have to apologize (and you would even if it had all gone swimmingly) and you have to deal with the consequences of this decision - which definitely means helping her make one or more exit plans in case things go south.

[Scarlett]

46 minutes ago, chiguirre said:

Normally, it wouldn't be OP's responsibility but she is the one who outed her 20 yo dd to her husband and precipitated the crisis. I do think she has a moral obligation to help dd find a place to live if her husband decides to either kick her out or make life unbearable. It's great that dd is going to graduate in May with solid job prospects but she has to make it through 2 more semesters or she may well end up effectively homeless.

OP, do you have an emergency stash of cash you can lend dd to cover first/last/security deposit? Could you borrow from a sibling or parent if worse came to worst? Do you have a relative who would let your dd move in till graduation in an emergency? Does your dd have a friend that could do that for her? Could she move in to the dorms or pick up a sublet quickly and ask for more financial aid to cover the cost? Once you have a Plan B in place you'll both feel safer and calmer.

I believe the dad has already indicated that he absolutely would NOT kick his dd out.  So I don't know why all of this concern about the girl becoming homeless.  News flash 20 year olds support themselves all. of. the time.  For a variety of reasons including they have different standards than their FOO.  

I would not have kept that info from my dh.  No way.  And if a 20 year old wants to lie to her dad about her 'real self' I would be discussing with her how that shows  a lack of integrity....to not tell her dad the truth because she wants a free place to live.  The only exception would be if I had a child confide in me that she/he had feelings that she/he had no intention of acting on because their desire was to continue in the belief system in which she/he was raised.  I would keep that confidence.  

[Tanaqui]

Quote

News flash 20 year olds support themselves all. of. the time.

 

Sometimes they do, and sometimes they really, really struggle. The homelessness stats for LGBTQ youth are not encouraging.

Quote

And if a 20 year old wants to lie to her dad about her 'real self' I would be discussing with her how that shows  a lack of integrity....to not tell her dad the truth because she wants a free place to live. 

 

Scarlett, seriously, if you want people to tell you things then you have got to be willing to keep their confidences. Otherwise you will rapidly find that people have learned not to let you in on anything.