Am I being petty?

[bethben]

I am 48 years old and I am still wanting my mom to show me she cares...I have 5 siblings.  All live within an hour of my moms house that we’ll call “the family hub”.  She babysits my nieces and nephews, goes to their basketball games, their plays, and give some piano lessons.  My family gets together for birthdays and holidays—back to school parties—Fourth of July— etc.  Due to quite a few circumstances having to do with social supports and cost of living for my disabled son, we cannot live near the family hub.  We are living in a place that is very very good for my family.  

The thing is, I have no relationship with any of my family unless I initiate.  I am finding that my mom is the same.  I broke my foot a week ago, told my family by text, for a text back from my mom asking how it happened  and nothing else.  I’m waiting for her to initiate something -anything—-I knew she couldn’t/wouldn’t come to help me and have made my own arrangements for help.  But to not even call to see how things are going?  I’m not calling her.  I really want to talk to her but feel hurt that there is no call of even asking how things are going.  Not even a text...my mother in law called as soon as she heard.  

I feel like the black sheep who doesn’t know what she did to have no communication from my family.  I moved away from the family hub. Maybe this is my punishment.  It just hurts.  I don’t know how to resolve who she is to my other siblings and who she is to me.  Out of sight-out I’d mind?

[maize]

Does she call and text with your siblings?

My mom is happy to talk if I call but she doesn't generally initiate calls. She's just not a phone calling person.

[bethben]

Just now, maize said:

Does she call and text with your siblings?

My mom is happy to talk if I call but she doesn't generally initiate calls. She's just not a phone calling person.

I have no idea if she calls them.  She knows all about them because that’s how I get news about them.  

[LucyStoner]

I don't think your feelings are petty.  

It sounds like physical distance has caused emotional distance as well.  It's only natural that that would hurt and cause a lot of feelings.  

Do you have family substitutes in your local area?  

[maize]

4 minutes ago, bethben said:

I have no idea if she calls them.  She knows all about them because that’s how I get news about them.  

 

Have you talked with her about feeling left out? How do you think she would respond if you did?

I can't tell from the little you have written if there are deeper issues such as long term strained relationships, narcissism, etc., or if there is maybe just a mismatch of expectations. My family are all scattered far and wide, most rarely initiate contact with me specifically (we do have fairly regular interactions through a family facebook group). It's certainly nothing personal, just individual personalities and family culture. One sister calls me regularly and I know she also makes extensive efforts to reach out to other family members. Her priorities at play. If frequent calls with my mom were a personal priority I would expect to take responsibility for initiating them not project my priorities and expectations onto her.

I don't know enough about your family to know if different priorities and expectations are the source of your disappointment or if there is something more toxic going on.

I am sorry you are hurting.

[Annie G]

I get how you feel. I’ve lived 850 miles away from family for 25 years and when Mom was alive she sometimes didn’t call because she didn’t want to interrupt my busy day. I get that, but it still felt left out. And yeah, it was tough to see my folks and inlaws do all kinds of things with the other grands but it was mostly just a distance thing. (another so with my dad, who shows extreme favoritism toward any family member with a penis. It’s crazy).  

So yeah, I understand how you feel and also don’t condemn your mom.Hugs. 

[KungFuPanda]

23 minutes ago, bethben said:

I am 48 years old and I am still wanting my mom to show me she cares...I have 5 siblings.  All live within an hour of my moms house that we’ll call “the family hub”.  She babysits my nieces and nephews, goes to their basketball games, their plays, and give some piano lessons.  My family gets together for birthdays and holidays—back to school parties—Fourth of July— etc.  Due to quite a few circumstances having to do with social supports and cost of living for my disabled son, we cannot live near the family hub.  We are living in a place that is very very good for my family.  

The thing is, I have no relationship with any of my family unless I initiate.  I am finding that my mom is the same.  I broke my foot a week ago, told my family by text, for a text back from my mom asking how it happened  and nothing else.  I’m waiting for her to initiate something -anything—-I knew she couldn’t/wouldn’t come to help me and have made my own arrangements for help.  But to not even call to see how things are going?  I’m not calling her.  I really want to talk to her but feel hurt that there is no call of even asking how things are going.  Not even a text...my mother in law called as soon as she heard.  

I feel like the black sheep who doesn’t know what she did to have no communication from my family.  I moved away from the family hub. Maybe this is my punishment.  It just hurts.  I don’t know how to resolve who she is to my other siblings and who she is to me.  Out of sight-out I’d mind?

I could have written this! We’ll be petty together. Living away from the family hub with a disabled son in a place that’s very good for my family is all me too. My Mo was supposed to come in next weekend to see my college daughter’s performance. I texted to see when they plan to arrive. Oh, they can’t make it. ? Um, glad I ASKED. 

Out of sight out of mind is right. She’s too busy taking care of everyone in her back yard to EVER have a weekend to spare for my kids. My son no longer travels well, so I can’t just hop in a car and drive there without a lot of logistical hoops. 

I told my daughter that when she had kids I was going to be all in her business and she wouldn’t be able to get rid of me. Even if she has to shoo me off, she’s going to know I’m interested. 

[Katy]

I don't think it's petty exactly, but it also may not be reasonable.  Especially if you have no idea who is contacting who on the other end.

If you want to be closer to them (all the time, not just when you have a broken foot), you should decide to stop blaming and being jealous, and do your best to initiate contact yourself. Maybe at some point have a conversation with some of them about how left-out you're feeling.

[Shoeless]

I don't think you are being petty.  There is a similar dynamic in my family.  I could rant for days and days and days about some of their antics, but it only serves to raise my blood pressure.  

 

    

 

  

[bethben]

38 minutes ago, maize said:

 

Have you talked with her about feeling left out? How do you think she would respond if you did?

 

I have talked to my family via letter, email, and in person about feeling basically family-less.  They agreed to do better—nothing changed.

29 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I could have written this! We’ll be petty together. Living away from the family hub with a disabled son in a place that’s very good for my family is all me too. My Mo was supposed to come in next weekend to see my college daughter’s performance. I texted to see when they plan to arrive. Oh, they can’t make it. ? Um, glad I ASKED. 

Out of sight out of mind is right. She’s too busy taking care of everyone in her back yard to EVER have a weekend to spare for my kids. My son no longer travels well, so I can’t just hop in a car and drive there without a lot of logistical hoops. 

I told my daughter that when she had kids I was going to be all in her business and she wouldn’t be able to get rid of me. Even if she has to shoo me off, she’s going to know I’m interested. 

We did live 700 miles closer at one point but even then, it was becoming clearly obvious that traveling with my disabled son was getting more and more difficult.  After our last vacation, we are not traveling and staying more than a night.  We moved to get away from harsh weather and reduce my dh’s commute by 75%.  

Thank you for being able to see through my eyes!  

[ktgrok]

Maybe since you started with text, she continued with text? Like, maybe she thinks that if you wanted to talk on the phone you wouldn't have texted? Just trying to think of an alternate reason. 

[bethben]

40 minutes ago, Katy said:

I don't think it's petty exactly, but it also may not be reasonable.  Especially if you have no idea who is contacting who on the other end.

If you want to be closer to them (all the time, not just when you have a broken foot), you should decide to stop blaming and being jealous, and do your best to initiate contact yourself. Maybe at some point have a conversation with some of them about how left-out you're feeling.

Been there done that over and over.  I do things to show I’m thinking of them.  I call them or initiate conversations.  Never reciprocated.  Sometimes I just get tired of being the one who is the keeper of the relationship.

[maize]

 Are you by chance the eldest (or eldest female) child? 

My own observations suggest that getting taken for granted happens frequently to eldest daughters. (Also to mothers but that is a different discussion).

In any case I am sorry your family members are not reaching out more, especially since they know you are feeling left out and would welcome more contact.

[Arcadia]

Hugs and sympathies.

With my in-laws it is not distance but outright favoritism. MIL favors the oldest son, FIL favors the only daughter. Even when we were 20mins away by car, my in-laws would only drop by if they are buying something for their favorites which is cheaper near my residence. 

My husband is turning 46 and it still hurts. He just find being far away better than having the favoritism in his face.  ?

[SKL]

I don't think you're being petty, I think you need your mom.  I also think you should call her.

I also have 5 siblings who live close to my mom.  (I live close too, but I don't get out there much for various reasons.)  My siblings all initiate frequent contact with my mom.  Usually it's because they want or need an ear or a favor.  One of the reasons I don't call much is because I feel like it's a burden on her when added to all the rest.  But if I do call, she is happy to talk to me.  She's happy to share my burdens and triumphs.

Give your mom a call.  If you don't feel better afterwards, sleep on it and then think about why.

[Soror]

6 hours ago, maize said:

 Are you by chance the eldest (or eldest female) child? 

My own observations suggest that getting taken for granted happens frequently to eldest daughters. (Also to mothers but that is a different discussion).

In any case I am sorry your family members are not reaching out more, especially since they know you are feeling left out and would welcome more contact.

I could have quoted several of you but didn't but. Maize hit it on the head for me, I am the eldest female child.

I also moved away, not very far really, just 40 minutes.

I've also had the conversation with my mother lots and lots of times. We are currently in an ok place but I've changed expectations. 

 

[Carrie12345]

I don't think your feelings are petty at all, but that's coming from someone who feels much the same way.  My "family hub" actually moved away from me when I was 23. I'm 41 and I still struggle with it. For the record, I was raised as the eldest of 3 girls.  (I was an adult when we got step-siblings.)

We do big family events/vacations about once a year on average, and they're usually really nice, but I think my mom and I are growing (emotionally) further apart as she's getting older.  One of my siblings and my niece live with her.  That sibling has serious mental health issues. Another sibling is going through a very difficult period and I know my mom is worried about her and her kids.  I also have a step-sibling who is able to visit with his family more frequently than I can.

I think my mom sees me as the one who needs *her less, so I kind of fall by the wayside.  Actually, I KNOW she does, because I tried to have a conversation along these lines a few years back.  I'm "the strong one".  Well, it sucks!

Over the past few years or so, I think it's grown beyond that, though. I don't think she *likes me very much.  I 100% believe she loves me, but we don't have the friendship we used to.  Indulging my ultra-pettiness for a moment, I feel it even on Facebook. She doesn't use it much at all, but I occasionally see her "like" posts from our mutual friends (relatives) and I have never gotten a single thumbs up from her, ever.  But she'll mention seeing a post if I bring a subject up.

I haven't heard from her in over 3 months, since I saw her in person and she kind of ditched me for an afternoon with no explanation.  I know I need to suck it up and call her tomorrow night (when I know she's usually free), but I'm dreading it.

Grown ups need moms, too!

:::thinking about calling my therapist while all this is rising to the surface::: Lol

[mom@shiloh]

No, I don't think you're being petty; but I'm living on your mom's side of it, so I understand that as well. I have five kids still living at home and five who are grown.  It's hard to keep up with the ones who are out of the house. I don't like to talk on the phone, and when I do call, I often feel as if I'm interrupting their lives, so it makes me hesitant to call the next time. As I'm getting older, I feel as if I have less emotional energy as well to keep up with everyone.  Regular texts, FB messages or emails from my kids are greatly appreciated since I can process those at my own pace.

I'd suggest some transparency with your mom -- something along the lines of, "Hey, I'd really like to make more effort to stay in touch regularly and I know we haven't always been great at that.  What's the best way for you?"  Then, be consistent in texting, calling, emailing or whatever works best.  Keep up your side of the bargain even if she doesn't.  Relationships change over time, and a time may come when you'll have a close relationship again. 

[Katy]

9 hours ago, bethben said:

Been there done that over and over.  I do things to show I’m thinking of them.  I call them or initiate conversations.  Never reciprocated.  Sometimes I just get tired of being the one who is the keeper of the relationship.

 

I don't doubt that it's a common emotion, but IME when people feel this way it's often a mark of having different love languages, and people on the other side often feel they have gone to just about as much effort, but in ways that the other doesn't care about.  Not that there aren't real issues with favoritism too.

[bethben]

9 hours ago, maize said:

 Are you by chance the eldest (or eldest female) child? 

My own observations suggest that getting taken for granted happens frequently to eldest daughters. (Also to mothers but that is a different discussion).

In any case I am sorry your family members are not reaching out more, especially since they know you are feeling left out and would welcome more contact.

Yes-I am the oldest daughter and the oldest child.  I have a brother who was #4 in the mix.  I became my dad’s right hand man since I was the oldest and most helpful and he was a do it all type guy around the house.  So while I’m outside helping him fix cars, everyone else is with my mom.  I was always the most competent less needy.  I had my first child with multiple surgical issues his first year while my dad was dealing with cancer so I took care of myself and him alone with my husband.  

Yes-maybe it’s just too many kids to keep up with, but still—I broke my foot, I’m caring for my physically disabled son...wouldn’t she wonder how I’m doing that?  Also, it’s hard to get a hold of her.  She teaches piano at a school, has private piano lessons at her home and watches various niece and nephews during the week while attending their many sporting events at night.  She’s just plain hard to get a hold of any more.

[shawthorne44]

My Dad had this pain.  It didn't connect in Dad's brain that there was a problem until my Dad noticed that whenever he called his Dad, most of the conversation was about what Grandpa learned when he called his brother.   My Grandpa NEVER called my Dad.   We lived 1000 miles away and my Aunt lived real close and no other social life than her parents.   So, it wasn't a problem that they were closer to my aunt.  it wasn't even a problem, initially that Grandpa never called because it was dismissed as "He just never calls anyone."   Grandpa and this brother had never been particularly close.  In fact there was a lot of justified resentment on my grandfather's side.  So when Dad learned that it was JUST him that was never called, it really hurt.   The hurt was communicated and nothing improved.  

 

 

[sweet2ndchance]

Been there, done that. My mother wouldn't call me, I tried to call her at least monthly despite the fact that I was a young mother whose husband had just joined the military. Every time we visited my in laws, I would walk down the street with my toddler son to visit her. She knew when we were up to visit my in-laws, she had to drive past their house any time she left her house to go anywhere. She never initiated contact with me, not even to see how her grandson was doing. This was before the age of texting and facebook and long distance was still billed by the minute (late 90s - early 2000s).

My dad would call me and I would call him usually once or twice a month. Since I wanted a relationship with my mother at the time, I told her so and asked if maybe we could split the difference so we could talk more often, maybe she could call me once a month and I would call her once a month. She told me flat out, no excuses made, that she couldn't afford to call me and that if I wanted to talk to her I would have to call her or come to visit her. Between that and multiple other issues with our relationship, I decided that the mother-daughter relationship I wanted wasn't going to happen with my biological mother.

I have no idea what I ever did to be treated the way I was by her but it started in childhood and it was obvious to me at that point that if she didn't want to work on our relationship, I couldn't fix it by myself. I cut contact with her, again not because she didn't want to call me, that was just the straw that broke the camel's back and made me realize I couldn't fix things by myself. In the almost 20 years since I made that decision, she has not tried to contact me. She still lives down the street from my now ex-in-laws. Even though they are my ex-in-laws, they still know how to get in touch with me and we are on friendly terms. She knows how to find me, but chooses not to.

It's hard sometimes but I've never regretted my decision. There is much less drama in my life now which is much healthier for me. Other relationships have filled the void left by letting go of the relationship with my biological mother. I don't feel like I'm missing anything by not having her in my life at this point. Just because she is my mother doesn't mean that I'm obligated to have a relationship with her if doing so causes me more harm than good. It's her loss in my opinion, she has a great bunch of grandkids that she has never had the chance to be a part of their lives. The only things I lost were feelings of guilt, emotional pain and confusion over my dysfunctional relationship with my mother. Over time, I was able to let it all go and I'm happier and healthier for it.

I'm not saying this is best way to deal with your situation. I really hope your relationship with your mother is salvageable and you are able to find some middle ground where everyone feels loved and understood. I just wanted to share my story for you and anyone else who may be in a similar situation to know that it is okay to let go of relationships that cause more consternation and emotional pain than happiness and fulfillment. Even if that relationship is with your mother.

 

[Junie]

11 hours ago, maize said:

 Are you by chance the eldest (or eldest female) child? 

My own observations suggest that getting taken for granted happens frequently to eldest daughters. (Also to mothers but that is a different discussion).

In any case I am sorry your family members are not reaching out more, especially since they know you are feeling left out and would welcome more contact.

(((bethben)))

Maize, this is interesting and it is making me think about my own relationship with my mom.  I am the farthest away and I often feel like I'm out of the loop with my family, although that has been getting better with the birth of my only niece earlier this year.   :)

I am the eldest daughter of an only (so, eldest) daughter of an eldest daughter of an eldest daughter.

[HS Mom in NC]

I get it.  I have family like that.  I can't change anyone, so I just decided that if I want a relationship I have to do the work.  Is it fair?  No.  Do I want a relationship? Yes, so I do all the heavy lifting.  I think it's notable that they're people with multiple divorces/ troubled marriages, they're rigid thinkers, and they're prone to selfishness, so it all fits in a pattern of behavior.

I'm the only girl and the youngest kid.

As to the not asking how you're doing with an injury-that's weird.  Mine would ask about it when I talked to them.

[katilac]

11 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

Maybe since you started with text, she continued with text? Like, maybe she thinks that if you wanted to talk on the phone you wouldn't have texted? Just trying to think of an alternate reason. 

 

Yes, but you can text a follow-up "how are you doing?" as well. You should be able to count on sympathy from your mom when you're sick or break something. It's a rule ?

3 hours ago, mom@shiloh said:

No, I don't think you're being petty; but I'm living on your mom's side of it, so I understand that as well. I have five kids still living at home and five who are grown.  It's hard to keep up with the ones who are out of the house. I don't like to talk on the phone, and when I do call, I often feel as if I'm interrupting their lives, so it makes me hesitant to call the next time. As I'm getting older, I feel as if I have less emotional energy as well to keep up with everyone.  Regular texts, FB messages or emails from my kids are greatly appreciated since I can process those at my own pace.

 

 

Do you reply to those? It's fine to not like to talk on the phone, there are many ways to communicate, including good old snail mail. I'd just make sure you were replying and also occasionally initiating. With so many kids, it might help to actually keep a record. When my kids were little and time was flying by, I had a page in my planner for correspondence. I just put the name and then dates and contact underneath: Grandma, 2/11/08 card, 4/16/08 sent pics and note . . . and so on. A quick glance would tell me who I hadn't initiated contact with in a while. 

It can also help to plan a time to do it, with a specific trigger. If you grade tests once a week, have that also be the time you send an email, text, or card. Right after you exercise but before you shower. After you eat dinner but before you clean the kitchen. The tests, the exercise, the meals, these are the actions that will trigger the text once you pair them and get used to it. You can put sticky notes on the teacher's guide or whatever to remind you. It only takes an extra minute, they don't have to be long, and the triggers will often give you content. Your brother made a B on his math test; I just cooked your favorite meal, wish you were here with us eating it. Or just ask a brief question: how are the kids; did you guys get snow; just checking in, what's up? 

 

 

 

[lynn]

I am the only on that has lived away from my family.  When mom retired i started calling her every !Monday morning.  If I don't call by 9 she'll call me.  I've made it our time to catch up on the week, to let her vent about dad's medical issues, whatever she needs.   Unfortunately not living near by made my mom feel i did not need her like my sister's did.  Now she did visit us and kept my boys a few times and for that I'm thankful.  But she actually told me "be glad you don't need me like sisters". Yeah that hurt.  I got over it and visit a few times a year.  My parents can't travel like they use to.  I do what I can and take nothing personal.  

[maize]

3 hours ago, bethben said:

Yes-I am the oldest daughter and the oldest child.  I have a brother who was #4 in the mix.  I became my dad’s right hand man since I was the oldest and most helpful and he was a do it all type guy around the house.  So while I’m outside helping him fix cars, everyone else is with my mom.  I was always the most competent less needy.  I had my first child with multiple surgical issues his first year while my dad was dealing with cancer so I took care of myself and him alone with my husband.  

Yes-maybe it’s just too many kids to keep up with, but still—I broke my foot, I’m caring for my physically disabled son...wouldn’t she wonder how I’m doing that?  Also, it’s hard to get a hold of her.  She teaches piano at a school, has private piano lessons at her home and watches various niece and nephews during the week while attending their many sporting events at night.  She’s just plain hard to get a hold of any more.

Have you ever read the book Jacob Have I Loved?

I think you might relate to the protagonist.

[Arcadia]

3 hours ago, bethben said:

Yes-maybe it’s just too many kids to keep up with, but still—I broke my foot, I’m caring for my physically disabled son...wouldn’t she wonder how I’m doing that?  Also, it’s hard to get a hold of her.  She teaches piano at a school, has private piano lessons at her home and watches various niece and nephews during the week while attending their many sporting events at night.  She’s just plain hard to get a hold of any more.

 

My brother is in a different timezone (GMT+8) and works shift duty. We communicate by texting using one of the messaging apps. We would put a FYI if we don’t expect a response. Like he would forward me an article about the recent iPhone launch and doesn’t expect me to comment unless I want to.  

My elderly aunt who has six kids use texting. It is just easier for her to remember what she said to which child and grandchild (by looking at past texts) instead of repeating the same information over the phone. Also the children and grandchildren can read the texts when they are free. Her oldest grandchild is born in 1972. 

‘My husband’s siblings, aunts and cousins would text now and then just to keep in touch. It is only his parents texts messages that are disappointing (need help messages or grandma in hospital kind of messages with no follow up so my husband has to text siblings for updates). My husband is the youngest son and I am the oldest child and only daughter (youngest granddaughter for paternal and maternal grandparents).

My husband is similar to you in that he was always the helper and never the helped. He was always treated as the smart kid who can figure things out for himself and get scholarships to pay for college. His siblings are treated like they need all the help in the world and that is purely on the parents because his siblings does ask for help but not to that scale. Like BIL asked FIL to help buy a few packs of diapers at a store that sells cheaper and my in-laws treats it like BIL is down to using the last piece of diaper for his kid even though BIL did tell his parents he has half a pack left. My husband was never the squeaky wheel and in fact only learned to be the squeaky wheel when we need to advocate for our kids in public school. I don't think he wants to be the squeaky wheel when it comes to getting attention from his parents. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

4 hours ago, mom@shiloh said:

No, I don't think you're being petty; but I'm living on your mom's side of it, so I understand that as well. I have five kids still living at home and five who are grown.  It's hard to keep up with the ones who are out of the house. I don't like to talk on the phone, and when I do call, I often feel as if I'm interrupting their lives, so it makes me hesitant to call the next time. As I'm getting older, I feel as if I have less emotional energy as well to keep up with everyone.  Regular texts, FB messages or emails from my kids are greatly appreciated since I can process those at my own pace.

I'd suggest some transparency with your mom -- something along the lines of, "Hey, I'd really like to make more effort to stay in touch regularly and I know we haven't always been great at that.  What's the best way for you?"  Then, be consistent in texting, calling, emailing or whatever works best.  Keep up your side of the bargain even if she doesn't.  Relationships change over time, and a time may come when you'll have a close relationship again. 

 

If you wouldn't mind answering...

1. Have you ever texted or emailed any of your adult children, to ask when would be a good time to call? Or ask them to call you on the weekend, at a time when they're not too busy?

2. Do you respond to their texts, FB msgs, or emails, or are you just glad that they send them so you're informed?

3. Do you remember grandchildren's birthdays or communicate with them in any way, or do you have less emotional energy to keep up with them, either?

Just wondering. As far as the bolded, "Keep up your side even if she doesn't," how long do you think people can live with a one-sided relationship in which they feel rejected?

For me, I could pretend my mom still cared about me for about 11 years, but then we finally woke up to the fact that she also doesn't like or care about my children. Her judgment of their beliefs and politics, and her total lack of interest in their lives, proved that what she'd point-blank told me was true: "We enjoyed the early years of your family when your kids were little and cute, but we wouldn't want to live near you now." She is one of those mothers who is "proud of" her big family but only really likes little kids, and young adults who agree with her on religion. She really has no use for anyone else, and gets tired of faking interest and politeness. The older she gets, the less emotional energy she has for faking. 

After a decade of keeping her in the loop, calling her, sharing stuff on FB, and doing my part at the big family parties (my part is difficult relatives, extensive cooking, and dishwashing), I am pretty much over my mother. I realized she's just not that into us. My children and their spouses, SO's and friends, my neighbors, and the people who are IN our lives now get the attention and respect that I would have loved to extend to my own parents. We are now leaving her alone, as she apparently prefers. Just a fade-out style breakup, no big fight or anything. It does screw up her bragging rights to have no idea what the kids are up to, but I just don't have the emotional energy to keep her in the loop anymore. 

 

 

[Pen]

How is  your foot doing?  And are you doing okay with your children’s problems along with your foot?  Did you decide to try after school care program?

[SKL]

I'm also an oldest daughter.  I also happen to be the person apparently most independent/ "non-needy," or at least I was for a long time.  (Now maybe some of my siblings have come over to my side as far as not being needy.)

My mom does not email or text.  Her energy is legitimately limited.  I am pretty sure she feels like once her kids are adults, they can take over the responsibility of making the calls if they want to talk.  Now if she slammed down the phone on me every time I called, that would be telling.  But there is no reason I can't call my mom if I want to talk.

Reading some of the replies, I feel bad for some relationships out there.  I mean, we are adults and while we need our moms emotionally, most of us don't need them physically.  We only have so much time before we won't have our moms no matter how much we need them.

[maize]

1 hour ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

 

If you wouldn't mind answering...

1. Have you ever texted or emailed any of your adult children, to ask when would be a good time to call? Or ask them to call you on the weekend, at a time when they're not too busy?

2. Do you respond to their texts, FB msgs, or emails, or are you just glad that they send them so you're informed?

3. Do you remember grandchildren's birthdays or communicate with them in any way, or do you have less emotional energy to keep up with them, either?

Just wondering. As far as the bolded, "Keep up your side even if she doesn't," how long do you think people can live with a one-sided relationship in which they feel rejected?

For me, I could pretend my mom still cared about me for about 11 years, but then we finally woke up to the fact that she also doesn't like or care about my children. Her judgment of their beliefs and politics, and her total lack of interest in their lives, proved that what she'd point-blank told me was true: "We enjoyed the early years of your family when your kids were little and cute, but we wouldn't want to live near you now." She is one of those mothers who is "proud of" her big family but only really likes little kids, and young adults who agree with her on religion. She really has no use for anyone else, and gets tired of faking interest and politeness. The older she gets, the less emotional energy she has for faking. 

After a decade of keeping her in the loop, calling her, sharing stuff on FB, and doing my part at the big family parties (my part is difficult relatives, extensive cooking, and dishwashing), I am pretty much over my mother. I realized she's just not that into us. My children and their spouses, SO's and friends, my neighbors, and the people who are IN our lives now get the attention and respect that I would have loved to extend to my own parents. We are now leaving her alone, as she apparently prefers. Just a fade-out style breakup, no big fight or anything. It does screw up her bragging rights to have no idea what the kids are up to, but I just don't have the emotional energy to keep her in the loop anymore. 

I don't think you can define the type of relationship that exist by getting the answers to questions such as "does the person do something for grandchildren's birthdays."

My mom is not a birthday celebrator. She rarely initiates contact.

But we truly have a great relationship. She absolutely cares about me and my kids and my siblings and their kids.

She's never going to be the gushy grandma.

I have a hard time articulating the base of our relationship but it really is just genuine unselfish love. No trappings necessary. There's nothing I need her to DO to somehow prove that because it is there.

I know many people don't have that relationship with family members; I'm not questioning the experience of those who do not find love and care where it ought to be. I'm just saying I don't think whether someone calls or returns a text or sends a birthday card is necessary evidence of relationship status.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

2 minutes ago, maize said:

I don't think you can define the type of relationship that exist by getting the answers to questions such as "does the person do something for grandchildren's birthdays."

My mom is not a birthday celebrator. She rarely initiates contact.

But we truly have a great relationship. She absolutely cares about me and my kids and my siblings and their kids.

She's never going to be the gushy grandma.

I have a hard time articulating the base of our relationship but it really is just genuine unselfish love. No trappings necessary. There's nothing I need her to DO to somehow prove that because it is there.

I know many people don't have that relationship with family members; I'm not questioning the experience of those who do not find love and care where it ought to be. I'm just saying I don't think whether someone calls or returns a text or sends a birthday card is necessary evidence of relationship status.

 

I definitely didn't meant to imply that. I was saying that my mom used to get my dad to send a birthday card as the maximum notice my children received that she knew of their existence, beyond polite small talk at yearly gatherings. 

I would LOVE to have a genuinely unselfish loving relationship with my mother, without trappings and expectations. I assumed we had one, for years, but it turned out she was putting up with me so she could be around my kids when they were little. But they're not little anymore, and she doesn't like them anymore, and she never liked me. And oh, BOY, did she have expectations that turned out to be ultimatums.

DH and I don't even give our own, very beloved, very intimately involved children more than a card, a cake, and a gift on their birthdays, and they get two gifts from us on Christmas. (We never had the money, and prefer traditions and happy times together over stuff.) We're not 'gifts as love language' people in the slightest. But we are there for the kids, and they are there for us, on a very frequent (and I believe permanent) basis. DS and DDIL are speaking of moving overseas for awhile, for work, after grad school. I don't think our closeness or connection will change in the slightest, even though we may only see them a couple of times per year in person during that time. I understand real relationships. 

 

[Ravin]

My dad is very "out of sight, out of mind." But it's just as well because he has no filter and can be a real jerk. My siblings that live near him go through periods of avoiding him and/or being in his disfavor. He tends to treat his stepkids/stepgrandkids better because they come around more (or live there, as one of his wife's adult daughters and her kids do). They come around more because they're there to see their mom mostly, and put up with him.

My mom tends not to call terribly often partly because her youngest kids at home keep her busy, and partly because she knows I work/am busy and doesn't want to interrupt at a bad time. I have one sister who will keep me posted if something major is going on with mom, better than mom does. If something happened with me and I called or texted her, she would follow up and see how I was doing, probably.

[bethben]

I probably will call her eventually...I guess I just wanted to know if she thought of me enough to give me a call.  I guess a broken foot is not enough.  I’m mourning a bit because I have told myself for years our relationship surely must be better than this, but it’s also confirming what I have thought.

When we were figuring out where to move three years ago, we tried living as close as we could to the “hub” which was about an hour + away.  We began to realize that even an hour away was not close enough and we still wouldn’t have the relationship those closest to the hub get.  So we went for broke in a way and moved to a place where our family could thrive.  And we have here.  I guess I’m continuing to mourn that my perceptions are accurate.  My youngest sister also felt like I do until she had kids and now has my moms attention because my mom want to be with her kids.  Otherwise, she was out of the loop also.  

Edited September 17, 2018 by bethben

[mom@shiloh]

2 hours ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

 

If you wouldn't mind answering...

1. Have you ever texted or emailed any of your adult children, to ask when would be a good time to call? Or ask them to call you on the weekend, at a time when they're not too busy?

2. Do you respond to their texts, FB msgs, or emails, or are you just glad that they send them so you're informed?

3. Do you remember grandchildren's birthdays or communicate with them in any way, or do you have less emotional energy to keep up with them, either?

Just wondering. As far as the bolded, "Keep up your side even if she doesn't," how long do you think people can live with a one-sided relationship in which they feel rejected?

For me, I could pretend my mom still cared about me for about 11 years, but then we finally woke up to the fact that she also doesn't like or care about my children. Her judgment of their beliefs and politics, and her total lack of interest in their lives, proved that what she'd point-blank told me was true: "We enjoyed the early years of your family when your kids were little and cute, but we wouldn't want to live near you now." She is one of those mothers who is "proud of" her big family but only really likes little kids, and young adults who agree with her on religion. She really has no use for anyone else, and gets tired of faking interest and politeness. The older she gets, the less emotional energy she has for faking. 

After a decade of keeping her in the loop, calling her, sharing stuff on FB, and doing my part at the big family parties (my part is difficult relatives, extensive cooking, and dishwashing), I am pretty much over my mother. I realized she's just not that into us. My children and their spouses, SO's and friends, my neighbors, and the people who are IN our lives now get the attention and respect that I would have loved to extend to my own parents. We are now leaving her alone, as she apparently prefers. Just a fade-out style breakup, no big fight or anything. It does screw up her bragging rights to have no idea what the kids are up to, but I just don't have the emotional energy to keep her in the loop anymore. 

 

 

I don't mind answering.......

I used to email regularly, to try to keep everyone up-to-date on what was happening at home, and I'd love for everyone else to do the same, but they don't.  We got a family FB group, and it worked well for awhile, but then it came down to me being the only one who ever posted.  Most of them will respond eventually, but only rarely do they post something.  I understand that technology has moved on to texting, so I try to text regularly.  If they text,  I respond immediately and make sure that I tell them how much I appreciate receiving pictures or videos of the grandkids.  When I call, I leave a voicemail and tell them to call me back when it's convenient for them. I have traveled cross-country to visit all of them at least once a year.  When babies are born, I go to help for several days. I ALWAYS remember grandchildren's birthdays, and try to ask several weeks in advance for gift ideas because I'm lousy at coming up with gift ideas. I have spent hours and hours researching vacation spots in the middle of all of us so that we can have a family vacation all together, which everyone has said that they want to do.  It is probably no wonder I'm running out of emotional energy because yes, I do understand that it's difficult to keep up a one-sided relationship when I feel rejected. In short, Tibbie, I'm not like your mom. 

I try not to take it personally when it seems as if I'm making all the effort.  I know there's been times when I haven't been as available as they'd like, and I hope to be given grace, so I try to extend grace as well, knowing that relationships have seasons.

[sweet2ndchance]

I just wanted to add that I am an oldest child and oldest daughter as well. I cannot for the life of me understand why my mother treats me and now my family differently than my siblings and their families but she does and it is what it is. It has really shaped how I parent my own children even now that some are adults themselves.

It's perfectly ok to mourn the lost but remember that what you are mourning is the relationship you wanted and can't have, not the relationship that you do have. If the relationship you have is not toxic, you can move forward with a different outlook of what your relationship with your mother should look like. Instead of wishing it was your idea of a mother-daughter relationship, take it at face value and enjoy the relationship you do have with her. Of course it this is just the tip of the iceberg and there are other bigger problems that cause you a great amount of distress then you may need to take more drastic actions but  I really hope for your sake that it is the former and not the latter.

(((bethben)))

[Lang Syne Boardie]

31 minutes ago, mom@shiloh said:

I don't mind answering.......

I used to email regularly, to try to keep everyone up-to-date on what was happening at home, and I'd love for everyone else to do the same, but they don't.  We got a family FB group, and it worked well for awhile, but then it came down to me being the only one who ever posted.  Most of them will respond eventually, but only rarely do they post something.  I understand that technology has moved on to texting, so I try to text regularly.  If they text,  I respond immediately and make sure that I tell them how much I appreciate receiving pictures or videos of the grandkids.  When I call, I leave a voicemail and tell them to call me back when it's convenient for them. I have traveled cross-country to visit all of them at least once a year.  When babies are born, I go to help for several days. I ALWAYS remember grandchildren's birthdays, and try to ask several weeks in advance for gift ideas because I'm lousy at coming up with gift ideas. I have spent hours and hours researching vacation spots in the middle of all of us so that we can have a family vacation all together, which everyone has said that they want to do.  It is probably no wonder I'm running out of emotional energy because yes, I do understand that it's difficult to keep up a one-sided relationship when I feel rejected. In short, Tibbie, I'm not like your mom. 

I try not to take it personally when it seems as if I'm making all the effort.  I know there's been times when I haven't been as available as they'd like, and I hope to be given grace, so I try to extend grace as well, knowing that relationships have seasons.

 

Thank you. It was impossible for me to word my post without sounding defensive, so I appreciate your answering. Same story, only shoe on the other foot. I'm sorry.I hope that you're right about seasons changing someday.

 

Edited September 17, 2018 by Tibbie Dunbar

[BarbecueMom]

If you're being petty, scoot over and I'll join you.  I hauled my family up to visit my dad last August.  As soon as we walked in the door, he pulled DH aside and had him ride along to pick up dinner so they could "talk shop" (DH was on vacation, he did NOT want to talk about work).  Barely a hello to me or my kids.  The next day, I offered to go with him to pick up groceries.  It was either silence, grunts, or complaining about politics.  The rest of the trip was additional awkwardness, followed by bewilderment at how differently we parent than he does.

Since then, he has not once called, and has only sent texts to verify the kids received birthday and Christmas cards.  After that strange visit, I decided to let him decide how much contact he was comfortable with.  Apparently, very little.

It's a bit different in my case, because even though I'm technically that stereotypical "oldest daughter", my dad was always an "every other weekend" parent, and completely absent for the first few years.  I feel like he didn't put down enough of a foundation when I was a kid for me to be the only one reaching out, the only one visiting, the only one making an effort.  If I had an inkling that he wanted a closer relationship and just didn't know what to do or say, I'd try, but if he's fine with occasionally acknowledged existence, I'm not going to drive myself into resentment trying to push beyond it.

Hope your foot heals quickly and without any lasting issues!

Edited September 17, 2018 by BarbecueMom

[maize]

2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Perhaps she wouldn't have called your other siblings, either, and would just ask them the next time she saw them. It's hard to say. 

I know dh has felt more distanced from his mom since moving away. His sister lives a few blocks away and their families hang out all the time. Our niece and nephew go to MIL's home after school every day until a parent gets off work to pick them up. They all sit down to family dinner on Sundays. 

In her defense, maybe she's waiting for you to say, "I hurt my foot when blah blah blah happened" and then will follow up with a response. But since she texted last, she thinks it's your turn. Now, it would be nicer if she'd follow up first or include, "oh no! Ouch. Hope it heals fast" or something. 

I'm guessing OP did respond to the question about how she hurt her foot and then heard nothing back.

[Ausmumof3]

19 hours ago, maize said:

 Are you by chance the eldest (or eldest female) child? 

My own observations suggest that getting taken for granted happens frequently to eldest daughters. (Also to mothers but that is a different discussion).

In any case I am sorry your family members are not reaching out more, especially since they know you are feeling left out and would welcome more contact.

Yes this was what I was thinking!  This seems to be typical with eldest kids for some reason.  Maybe because they have a more take charge and get things done mentality or seem somehow more competent.

[bethben]

3 minutes ago, maize said:

I'm guessing OP did respond to the question about how she hurt her foot and then heard nothing back.

Yup-I did.  But if you were a mom and you know your dd has a physically disabled child that she cares for exclusively, wouldn’t you be curious to know how she’s doing that?  I’ve learned not to share negative things about my kids because it turns into gossip for my sisters.  I know that because I hear the gossip about them.

[maize]

47 minutes ago, bethben said:

Yup-I did.  But if you were a mom and you know your dd has a physically disabled child that she cares for exclusively, wouldn’t you be curious to know how she’s doing that?  I’ve learned not to share negative things about my kids because it turns into gossip for my sisters.  I know that because I hear the gossip about them.

I certainly hope I would be aware enough and thoughtful enough to ask and at least express sympathy and encouragement if I had no practical help to offer.

[sweet2ndchance]

You have brought up that you care for your physically disabled child several times now, I'm wondering if maybe your mom and siblings don't truly understand what it is like to care for a child who cannot care for themselves and will possibly never be able to care for themselves. They know what they have seen and what they have heard from you but until they have walked a mile in your shoes, they might not actually know how emotionally and physically demanding it is to care for a child with disabilities. From the outside looking in, they may see you in a completely different light than you see yourself. When you feel like you are up to your eyeballs in responsibilities, they may see you as a kind of super mom that makes them feel inferior when they have trouble managing their children who don't have any disabilities. Or if you have always been the strong one because you feel you have to be, they may not know how to handle you when you are in a moment of weakness. Or maybe they cannot imagine moving away from the "hub" and just genuinely don't know what to do with the fact that not only did you move away but are thriving. There are literally thousands of possibilities at play here but is it possible that the "you" that you see and the "you" that they see are two different people and could that be part of the disconnect?

[bethben]

I know most people don’t get it.  That doesn’t bug me so much.  We can usually see the light bulbs go on in people’s head when they spend a day with us.  I’m almost too competent.  I have figured out things enough even with a broken foot so that I could exclusively handle things during the day (excepting the driving part) but have chosen this time to accept help offered to me because my DH feels more comfortable with me if I do and things take me twice as long to accomplish right now.  I’m calling it a personal growth time to accept help and not be an island.

i have tried encouraging various siblings to move away from the hub.  The hub is expensive and taxes keep going up (Illinois).  I hear every once in a while from siblings how they would love to live somewhere else (mostly when I show pictures on Facebook of where we now live) but maybe we were the only ones courageous enough to take a chance and do something wildly different?  One sibling also knows if she moves away from the hub, she loses the family.  They see it.

[bethben]

I broke down and called my mom. I made mention to her that I thought she would have called by now to see how I was doing.  She admitted that she had completely forgotten about me.  Sigh...  she did say that she would make a better effort.  We’ll see.

[maize]

6 minutes ago, bethben said:

I broke down and called my mom. I made mention to her that I thought she would have called by now to see how I was doing.  She admitted that she had completely forgotten about me.  Sigh...  she did say that she would make a better effort.  We’ll see.

I'm glad you talked with her, I do hope communication (from her end) improves.

Your mom sounds very busy.

[SKL]

15 hours ago, bethben said:

I broke down and called my mom. I made mention to her that I thought she would have called by now to see how I was doing.  She admitted that she had completely forgotten about me.  Sigh...  she did say that she would make a better effort.  We’ll see.

Aww ... is it possible she is starting to lose her memory?

[bethben]

12 minutes ago, SKL said:

Aww ... is it possible she is starting to lose her memory?

She remembers multiple piano students and what they are learning, when they are coming, if they did their lessons, how many weeks they forgot to do their lessons, and when she has to teach piano at a school.  She remembers when she has to play organ at various churches and details about how much they paid her last time and nuances about each church she plays at.  She remembers details of when she has to be helping with nieces and nephews and minor details about grandchildren and what classes they are taking in school.  What special formula the newest grandchild is taking and how long it’s taken my brother to paint his house.  I know this because she tells me all this type of stuff on the phone.  No, she just forgot me.

[shawthorne44]

Ouch