What kind of drop off parent are you?

[teachermom2834]

Or maybe it is more kid than parent specific?

We are ones to get there early and help carry everything to the room and then basically say good byes and get out of there. It isn’t because we don’t want to help the kids set up and get settled. It is more that it feels easier to us than long goodbyes and we feel that the sooner we get out of there the sooner dc will start meeting people and settling in. 

I have found we are the minority as most families stick around, go shopping, have a special dinner etc. For the record- I would do any of those things if dc wanted. But they seem content with the quick goodbye too. I have heard of some colleges encouraging the quick drop off. The one we are doing on Thursday has a welcome party on Thursday evening and an alternative event for families. Basically because they really want the freshman to start interacting with their peers away from the families. 

I have boys and I think that matters too. They don’t need help decorating or setting up because they don’t care about that stuff. Ds is fine making his own bed and putting clothes away. He doesn’t have pictures or robe hooks or anything that needs to be hung. Any decorating he and his roommate can figure out.

I have been accused recently of being cold and cruel just moving in and dropping off. ? I guess we pull the band aid off quickly.

With oldest ds I don’t think he really was ready for us to leave. He was being very quiet and mopey. But I felt like we had to leave to get him going. So we left and an hour later he was going out to eat with his roommate and a couple others. He needed us to get out of there.

I realize all circumstances are different and there are lots of factors (distance, necessary shopping, etc). I don’t think there is a right or wrong. Just curious what other people do and have done. 

[freesia]

I would be the drop off and leave parent unless dc wanted us to stay.  I do much, much better with short goodbyes.  Although, freshman year my roomate's parents hung around and I did feel a teeny bit unloved bc my parents didn't and hers did.  Kind of a --should they have wanted to stay? feeling.  But, I got over it and find I'm the same way.

I was dreading ds's send off bc I was afraid parents would hang around and I would want to leave, but would feel like I wanted ds to feel as loved.  However, we dropped him off for the pre-orientation wilderness trek and they had a ceremony and then said, "Ok, 5 minutes to say goodbye."  Ds was the one doing the leaving (he went to join his group) which felt so much better than us leaving him. So much better.  And I was completely distracted when dd 9 burst unexpectedly into sobs (she is not a big crier and is not one of my most emotional kids).

 

[Pawz4me]

Get there early and unload everything. DH usually makes sure they can get logged onto the wifi and have printing figured out if it's their first year. I make the bed 'cause I have to have something to do while they're fiddling with the wifi. We go eat lunch and then we leave. We haven't ever had any preconceived notions about how things should go. That's just how things have seemed to work for us. But our boys are/were 90 minutes or less away from us. So it wasn't like we'd flown to the other side of the country or driven hundreds of miles and wouldn't see them again until Christmas break. They were both home frequently or we'd be at their schools occasionally for football games or just to take them out to lunch on a weekend. So drop offs have never been a hugely big emotional thing.

[regentrude]

Kid and situation specific.

DD: college 6.5 hours away.  We drove up , we moved her in, stayed overnight, in a hotel, met next  morning to take her shopping, ate together, left to drive home. She would have had no means of transportation to a store to buy the missing things, and it would have been too far to drive there and back home in a single day anyway.

DS: college 2 hours away. We drove in two cars. He kept a car on campus.  I moved him in, we went to the bookstore for textbooks, I said goodbye and left. He had transportation to get places, and he was coming home on the weekend, so could easily stuff from home.

Edited August 14, 2018 by regentrude

[Lori D.]

Encouragement to anyone having a hard time with drop-off:

The first drop-off for each child is the hardest. For subsequent drop-offs for each DS, while it was a little misty-eyed on both sides, because I knew they were absolutely in the right place and doing great -- fly baby birds, fly! -- AND because video chatting every so often makes it not so hard to be apart -- it was a lot less gut-wrenching.

All the BEST to all you brave mamas doing those first-time (or any time!) drop-offs!

Edited August 17, 2018 by Lori D.

[8filltheheart]

Totally kid dependent. Our oldest ds and dd basically wanted as little parental help/involvement as possible.

Youngest ds wanted dad's help and then dh took ds and friends out to eat. 

2nd dd wants whole family (well younger kids still at home) to come, help settle in, go shoppingg, meet friends, go out and do things like the zoo or out to eat before we leave.

Dd #3 refuses even to consider moving out for college. Her start of college in 2 yrs should be easy. ?

Edited August 15, 2018 by 8FillTheHeart

[DawnM]

First kid went for the first time last January as a transfer student from CC.  We went down, helped him move in, cleaned a little because his roommates were gross, took him to dinner, and then left the next morning.

Second kid went to the summer program as a Freshman this summer, so he now knows the ropes a bit.  I couldn't even take him because I was at my uncle's funeral in WA state.  So, DH took him, helped him move in, and then drove off.

This Friday we take second kid back.  His stuff is already there from summer, so we will go, have lunch, make sure he gets his books, and then help him loft his bed, and drive off.

Sept 7th we take oldest.  We have made friends with another family (oldest will room with their kid too) and so the families are making a weekend out of it at the beach and staying at the same hotel.  Not sure how involved the boys will be after move in Saturday though!  We will see.  And we won't leave until Sunday around noon.

[Hilltopmom]

Ds is going for the first time next week. It’s 3.5 hours away and move in is from 9-12. We are driving there and back in one day, so it will be an early morning for us.

His school is encouraging parents to drop off and leave quickly by scheduling freshman orientation weekend starting an hour after move in ends!

We’ll get there early enough to carry his stuff in and set up his room  and computer (if not, I seriously think he’ll never unpack his clothes in his drawers or make his bed all the way). And I’d like to meet the roommates before we leave. Oh, & we will go over with him to pick up his bookstore order before leaving just to be sure that’s all set for him the first time. 

I don’t think there will be time to head to Walmart for supplies so we are trying to be sure he has everything ahead of time- cables, cords, etc

Then he has lunch on campus and meets up with his orientation group, we eat off campus and drive back home. We have my SIL keeping our preschoolers for us that day and it’s going to be a long day for her- they’re kind of intense.

[alewife]

Both of my college kids are 10+ hours from home.  We gave them the option of flying solo or us driving them to campus for move-in day.

My oldest son flew by himself to college and set up his own room.  (I sent him an Amazon order so he didn't have to go shopping for supplies)

My second son wanted us to drive him.  The members of the football team unloaded our car and carried everything the 4 flights up to his room.  I set up my son's room while my husband took him to the local bank to set up an account. I think the parents needed to be off of campus by late afternoon when the freshman activities began.  We took my son to lunch and then said our goodbyes.  

As a mom, I prefer driving to campus and helping to get the room set up  If my daughter decides on a college that is a long drive from home, I hope she prefers we drive her and help her get set up, but it will be her call.

[GoodGrief]

I love the idea of college drop off, and settling the kids in, and having warm and fuzzy moments. But my two oldest have been relatively stressed by the procedure and eager for us to get going. I think it might be different with the youngest, but hard to say.

[katilac]

With oldest, we are the kind that stays overnight because it's a 7-hour drive. We just finished year 3, and it's an all-day process every time. Lofting the bed takes forever, the furniture always gets completely moved around to maximize space, we use the upholstery cleaner because holy cow that furniture is dirty (even if it doesn't look dirty), we take her to the grocery store, there's stuff to hang on the walls. She definitely likes having a clean, well-situated room for the year. It didn't keep her from meeting people or doing activities, because we just let her come and go as needed. She is spoiled but she appreciates it, and mom and dad feel better about leaving. 

Youngest will be local, so no overnight stay but still likely an all-day process for all the same reasons. 

We always go out to lunch or dinner (depends on her activities). Sometimes just us, sometimes she brings a friend. If she couldn't do this, it wouldn't be a big deal, but a restaurant meal is a nice luxury for her. 

 

[daijobu]

On 8/14/2018 at 1:37 PM, teachermom2834 said:

I have been accused recently of being cold and cruel just moving in and dropping off. ? I guess we pull the band aid off quickly.

 

 

What?  I would ignore that comment unless it came from the student in question.  

I flew by myself from the midwest to California freshman year.  There were plenty of international students who arrived solo.  

[teachermom2834]

4 minutes ago, daijobu said:

 

What?  I would ignore that comment unless it came from the student in question.  

I flew by myself from the midwest to California freshman year.  There were plenty of international students who arrived solo.  

Definitely not from the student in question!! 

Honestly, I live in a small town and the fact that our kids go away at all (there is a local Christian college, satellite campus of the state flagship, and two community colleges within easy commute) really gets raised eyebrows. People make comments that we must not have a close family if our kids go away for college. So I’m really already getting judged for letting mine go 8 hours away. So this is just more of that. Oh well. 

 

[JenneinCA]

Last year my husband flew out with my daughter in the morning and flew home later the same day.  Her school was about three hours from the airport. It was a long day and a lot of driving for him. I stayed home with the other kids.  Middle child was attending community college classes and couldn’t have traveled to drop her off anyway.

This year my daughter is flying alone and my husband is flying with the middle child to his school spending one night and flying home.  I am again staying home because plane tickets are expensive and someone needs to be home with the 14 year old.

I guess we are strange, but this is what happens when the student is going to school a significant distance from home. (California to Flagstaff, Arizona for one and California to near Albany, New York for the other.)

[teachermom2834]

8 minutes ago, JenneinCA said:

Last year my husband flew out with my daughter in the morning and flew home later the same day.  Her school was about three hours from the airport. It was a long day and a lot of driving for him. I stayed home with the other kids.  Middle child was attending community college classes and couldn’t have traveled to drop her off anyway.

This year my daughter is flying alone and my husband is flying with the middle child to his school spending one night and flying home.  I am again staying home because plane tickets are expensive and someone needs to be home with the 14 year old.

I guess we are strange, but this is what happens when the student is going to school a significant distance from home. (California to Flagstaff, Arizona for one and California to near Albany, New York for the other.)

I do not think you are strange! I think you are practical. These things take time and money, etc. There are probably better uses of all that plane ticket money and your children would not be going so far away if they were not able to handle themselves (presumably).

I do remind myself that many students fly to entire new countries to go to school! 

[J-rap]

On 8/14/2018 at 5:02 PM, regentrude said:

Kid and situation specific.

DD: college 6.5 hours away.  We drove up , we moved her in, stayed overnight, in a hotel, met next  morning to take her shopping, ate together, left to drive home. She would have had no means of transportation to a store to buy the missing things, and it would have been too far to drive there and back home in a single day anyway.

DS: college 2 hours away. We drove in two cars. He kept a car on campus.  I moved him in, we went to the bookstore for textbooks, I said goodbye and left. He had transportation to get places, and he was coming home on the weekend, so could easily stuff from home.

I was going to say the exact same thing:  kid and situation specific.  Although, I think ours were mostly atypical.

Kid #1:  Flew to NYC alone with two suitcases in hand.  He had already spent a year traveling abroad alone (kind of a gap year I guess!), so was pretty independent by his first year of college.

Kid #2:  Flew to Central America alone, where she went to a private university for four years.  She had good friends down there and had already been there several times.

Kid #3:  Moved her in, left for the afternoon, and then met up with her for dinner.  She was going to school near her grandma's and we were staying at grandma's house temporarily, so we actually met up quite a few times those first few days.  (Actually, second semester she decided to room at grandma's house!)

Kid #4:  Moved her in, left her for a couple days (for orientation activities), and then picked her up again for a few days because again, it was in the same town as relatives and we have a family business in that town and she was helping us out.

[Mom22ns]

Kid dependent here too. 

With dd moving into the dorm we moved stuff in, helped setup and decorate, took her to lunch and left. When she moved into an apartment, we added a grocery run to that. This year, I wasn't able to go when she moved in, so we did an early run with big stuff that needed our SUV, then she went by herself today.

With ds moving into the dorm was similar. We carried stuff, helped setup (no decorating), lunch and gone. With his apartment we help carry stuff in (furniture and all) then leave. He is just 45 minutes away, and last year we did lunch and a grocery run with him after church the next day. He is ASD and just can't take the stress of getting everything done in one day.

None of us get overly emotional at drop-offs. The first year was the hardest for me, but I held it together and the kids were just happy and excited. I've never felt like we were removing a bandage - slowly or quickly. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I'm a "I'm not leaving until you kick me out" kind of mom.  All of my kids have attended or are attending schools that had several days where families were welcome and had things to do.  And I took advantage of all of them.  This allowed me to observe my kid (my oldest had major social anxiety and my middle struggles with mental illness) to be sure that they are doing OK.  With dd, I am confident she will be OK, but I feel the need to do things for her (like make up her bed and help her set up the room.  I also plan to stay for several parent activities to meet other parents and network.  They have an official "kiss your kids and get otta here" time in the planned schedule, so we will say our goodbyes then.  

Looking back, my dad was a "get you moved in so I can get on the road" kind of dad.  My mom never came for move-in day, but she did tell my dad that he needed to take me out to eat since I would be stuck with dorm food for the rest of the year (and it was icky food.)  

[Dicentra]

I don't know - this is my first and only kid going away this fall.   I'm sad and will miss her like crazy but I'm also super excited for her and to see where her adult journey takes her.

We drop her off on September 3rd so I can let you know after that which kind of drop-off parent I am.

[easypeasy]

DD1 goes to school so far away from us, that it had to be a huge family affair. We had to drive (she had too much stuff to move in!!) and we made a vacation out of it. On move-in day, we and her roommate's family met up, moved the girls in together, went out to lunch together, went to Target to buy odds-and-ends together. We stayed overnight (at our hotel) to make sure she didn't need anything (she didn't have her car her freshman year) Next morning was convocation (is that what it's called?) and we took her out for lunch and then we left.

The next year, I rode with her (and her car) and helped her move in, but flew out before she was unpacked. This year, a sibling drove down with her, and somewhat helped her move in (she left most of it in storage so they could go out and do fun things together before he left). Next year, I thinnnnnnk her dad will drive down with her. We'll see.  It's a 2-3 day drive, so I hate for her to have to drive that long alone if we can help it. We might even fly one of her friends out here to ride down with her next year... hmmm...

If a kid went to college close by, I would simply do whatever they preferred. Stick around and unpack? Great! Help put posters on the walls and hang lights from the ceiling? I'm your girl! Drive a van-full of stuff down so kid can unload and unpack him/herself? Why not? Go on vacation and pretend the nest isn't emptying itself? Tahiti - here I come!!

One we got that First Year, First Move-In out of the way, I am really easy to please on this topic. LOL!!!  First year kid? No WAY was she moving in without me being all up in her business. lol I was a nervous wreck and she was SO far away! ? (Luckily, she wanted us there... so it worked out nicely)

[SanDiegoMom]

We brought our dd the first year, flying across the country, staying two nights, and shopping for dorm needs and textbooks. This year she's flying out alone.  Hoping that next year we will be living in the same state and can do the big drop off that all the in state parents do, though by then she probably won't care anymore!  

[RootAnn]

16 minutes ago, Margaret in CO said:

I have to chuckle at some of the "hang posters and carry the car load of stuff". At USNA, they show up with the clothes on their backs, passport, cell phone, vax records, and for girls, bras. ... Norwich is not much better, but they do bring their own socks, t-shirts, and combat boots. 

Yes, moving into an Academy or military-type school is very different. One of my brothers is a USNA grad (enlisted Marine to NAPS to USNA), but my parents had nothing to do with his drop off at college.

I think my dad is the only one who ever participated in dropping off any of us to college. Between the siblings who lived at home, the one that drove himself to college, and the military one, only two of us had traditional move-ins. My mom stayed home (because an hour drive was too long for her, she said) for those. My dad helped me move in each year, then took off. If I needed anything I didn't have after that, I would have to walk or bum a ride to pick it up. I didn't mind it that way, but really, I didn't know any different. 

[Sebastian (a lady)]

On 8/15/2018 at 10:28 PM, teachermom2834 said:

Definitely not from the student in question!! 

Honestly, I live in a small town and the fact that our kids go away at all (there is a local Christian college, satellite campus of the state flagship, and two community colleges within easy commute) really gets raised eyebrows. People make comments that we must not have a close family if our kids go away for college. So I’m really already getting judged for letting mine go 8 hours away. So this is just more of that. Oh well. 

 

 

I think I would struggle to not respond with a comment about how judgemental and unhelpful I found comments like that.  College choices are very individual and not subject to committee vote.  If they can't be joyful for my kid's choice, I'd appreciate it if they kept their opinions private.

 

[CAJinBE]

I guess we will see tomorrow! I think we will carry the stuff up to the room and then go to Five Guys for lunch because there is one close to the dorm and dd has been craving one of their shakes for a long time. Then we will probably make the two hour drive back home. I still don't feel like it's real yet. I know she will come home for weekends occasionally and we might even go back the following weekend to help her buy a bike. She is upstairs packing her stuff and doing laundry right now. We just got back from our family vacation this morning, so time is a little tight. But most of her things, except for clothing were washed and boxed up before our trip. 

[Mbelle]

Drop off went great.  I have already been thinking about her leaving, so actually leaving wasn't too bad.  DD was very nervous and overwhelmed.  She'll do great, but I'm guessing she may like an apartment next year.  Her room mate and family seem really nice.  I feel like she's at the right place, and that is such a good feeling.  Her campus is beautiful.

 

[KarenNC]

We just did our first drop-off for our only. Campus is four hours away, the move-in volunteers for freshmen were only going to be available in the morning, and she wanted to get there early to get the side of the room she wanted, so we went down the evening before and stayed over. This morning she was 2nd in line for her dorm, volunteers did the unpacking and toting, then we went in and helped her get set up. Once her stuff was put away, we took the extra packing material back to the car and all went to a couple of stores and lunch, then, at her request, dropped her off with a hug in the parking lot. Roommate hadn't arrived before we left for lunch, so we haven't met her yet.

[teachermom2834]

We dropped off on Thursday morning. We stayed over the night before and got there for check in early. It all went smoothly and ds was in and set up before 10:00 am. We left him and went back to the AirBnB we rented and retrieved two of the siblings we had left there. We went back to campus and ds showed his siblings around for a bit and we met his roommate. Ds declined any offers for a store run or lunch and we ended up saying our goodbyes in a busy part in the middle of campus. We were done by noon. 

My older ds is a junior and he drove himself back to school this morning early. I did tell him to make sure he woke us up to say goodbye. He is the type to possibly take off and forget to say goodbye.

So now I am down to just two kids at home. I went grocery shopping yesterday and we just don’t need so much anymore. I am going to do laundry today and I know that is going to seem light too. 

[CAJinBE]

Just got back from dropping off dd. We hauled all the stuff up to her room on the fifth floor, made her bed, helped put away the kitchen stuff (she has a little kitchenette), went for lunch, bought a bike, took the bike back and locked it up, took away the trash and headed home. It was sad, but good. I am happy with where she is and I'm sure she will thrive. I was the first child to leave home, so I never experienced this family dynamic of someone missing before. I wonder what it will be like for the dd still at home. 

[scholastica]

We dropped off Freshman year. We helped him get settled, got some lunch and headed home. The past 2 years we help him pack the car and he drives himself. Next one down wants to go far away, so we shall see how that goes a year from now.

[Heathermomster]

We drove to the uni in two cars.  DD and I unpacked/put away clothing and made the bed while DS and DH assembled small things and set up the desk.  Afterwards, we ate dinner, shopped a little, dropped him off at his room, and departed.