Co- worker's wedding

[Scarlett]

Dh got the most beautiful invitation to a co-worker's wedding. I wish I could send you all a picture.  They are both from another country....so maybe it is cultural I don't know.  Anyway we can't attend because we will be out of town...so I went on line to RSVP and while I was there looked at their registry.  Trip back Home fund. Honeymoon fund.  New Home fund.  I just---no. 

 

[KungFuPanda]

Beautiful invitation fund . . .

[Liz CA]

This seems to be the thing right now. Nephew's and a niece's wedding both included option to contribute money to honeymoon trips, however, they also had "old-fashioned" registries from which people could choose mundane things like blenders...

[Katy]

I think it's understandable.  More people want experiences, not things, and more people get married later and already have double sets of house stuff, so they don't need traditional registry gifts.

[PeachyDoodle]

I think this is becoming more and more common, especially as couples are marrying later than they did a generation or two ago and often have the traditional "new home" items that are usually on a registry.

I also prefer to buy something tangible though.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I have a bad attitude about this. I'm not sending people on trips or helping them buy a house, just because they are getting married...but I recognize that this is probably an outdated and curmudgeonly attitude, so I don't say anything. I scroll further down in the registry to see if they need some sheets...if not, they're getting a box of Penzey's spices...

[regentrude]

I do not understand why it is considered bad to wish for contributions to a trip, but perfectly OK to request china or a silverware. (I could understand if you found any sort of registry tacky)

Most people have enough stuff.  And nobody has to give a gift. 

 

[marbel]

I have mixed feelings about requesting experiences rather than tangible items for wedding gifts.  It kinda does annoy me a little when a couple asks for contributions to their trip to Jamaica or whatever, but I really can't say why.  Maybe I'm jealous but I had a nice honeymoon of my own, so there's no reason for that.  And actually, one of the gifts we received was two nights at a very nice hotel on the route to our ultimate destination (we did a leisurely road trip) which was really wonderful.

On the other hand, we did register for some things, but many people gave us crazy items that were of no use to us.  Now please no one give me flack about that attitude - of course it is so nice for people to give gifts. But... one of my husband's coworkers gave us an ornate Asian-inspired plate that went with nothing we owned. Someone else gave us a bottle of some kind of liquor that had some sort of plant material in it, I think it was supposed to be an aphrodisiac.  My own boss, who was in charge of the group gift from my work, told me that my registry was boring and gave us a bunch of stuff that fit her style well but not mine/ours at all. We never used those things.  

So, I dunno.

Oh, btw, he and I married rather late in life, had both been married before, and combined households. But one of his coworkers gave us a crockpot which I disdained at first but came to love!   

[Katy]

12 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

I have a bad attitude about this. I'm not sending people on trips or helping them buy a house, just because they are getting married...but I recognize that this is probably an outdated and curmudgeonly attitude, so I don't say anything. I scroll further down in the registry to see if they need some sheets...if not, they're getting a box of Penzey's spices...

 

I don't know why that strikes me as so funny... it's not as if those spices are cheap.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

3 minutes ago, Katy said:

 

I don't know why that strikes me as so funny... it's not as if those spices are cheap.

 

There's usually a sale! LOL I don't know, we all have dumb biases and this is one of mine. I don't lose sleep about it or anything.

[ktgrok]

The honeymoon idea I don't love, but a trip home, since they probably have relatives overseas makes some sense to me, to introduce the new couple, etc. Maybe the overseas relatives tend to give to that, to help them come home to visit?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I just realized where the bias is. It's not about giving money; a money tree was a local and family custom for 100 years here, which offended no one. Especially for young couples, everyone knows they need money. It's probably "luxury fund" that trips me up. 

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

I just realized where the bias is. It's not about giving money; a money tree was a local and family custom for 100 years here, which offended no one. Especially for young couples, everyone knows they need money. It's probably "luxury fund" that trips me up. 

But many items on a traditional registry are luxury as well. Who needs crystal or fancy china? 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Just now, regentrude said:

But many items on a traditional registry are luxury as well. Who needs crystal or fancy china? 

 

I agree with that, but my circles are low-middle working class and working poor. I've not seen crystal or fancy china on a wedding registry for more than a quarter century. It's usually modest household goods.

[Rosie_0801]

I could understand independent people asking for money towards a house rather than another blender, considering the disparity between wages and house prices. Back when my parents were buying, it was about three times my father's yearly wage. Now, in parts of the country, it's about twelve times.

[Selkie]

I don't see any difference between asking people to spend money on material items on a registry and asking for money for a house or trip.

I actually think the whole concept of registering or asking for gifts is weird.

A couple we know recently got married and requested no gifts, but if anyone felt absolutely compelled to give something, they asked that they donate to a charity. I thought that was so lovely.

[Tsuga]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

I think it's understandable.  More people want experiences, not things, and more people get married later and already have double sets of house stuff, so they don't need traditional registry gifts.

Agreed. I'd much rather contribute to a fund than buy them a blender I'd rather have myself. I don't know why.

When newlyweds are young and most invitees are established family, it makes to guide them towards gifts because of course family will help the younger generation.

When all your guests are people your age, charity makes more sense.

[gardenmom5]

Dsil had nerf guns on theirs.  They went fast.  Probably his college buddies.

Dd was graduating a month later.  they weren't sure where they'd be or what they'd need.  (Dsil had owned a condo, though he was renting)

There were a lot of amazon gift cards.

[Guest]

I like contributing to these. Most couples now don’t need mixing bowls terribly much.   For my nephew, I contributed to their main sail (they were living on a boat) and for his sister when she got married, I contributed to their tools/garage. 

In the case of my niece, this wasn’t the only option; there were household goods as well, but most things had already been purchased when I looked at it. So I contributed to the fund. It’s fine with me. 

[bzymom]

This always annoys me, and I try to figure out why  :) !  I think I am old and I am used to the traditional registry items or, if you wish and are able, cash gifts.  And that never bothered me.

So I would rather a couple do some sort of registry for those who wish to buy something tangible, or take whatever cash people gift them with and purchase their trip or their home or their $200 couples massage on their honeymoon.  I don't really want to feel like I am part of a gofundme.  

[gardenmom5]

34 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

considering the disparity between wages and house prices. Back when my parents were buying, it was about three times my father's yearly wage. Now, in parts of the country, it's about twelve times.

Or more.

 

I figure I'll have kids living with me to save for a down payment.

Unless they go somewhere else.  Like 2dd & dsil.

[PeachyDoodle]

22 minutes ago, Selkie said:

I don't see any difference between asking people to spend money on material items on a registry and asking for money for a house or trip.

I actually think the whole concept of registering or asking for gifts is weird.

A couple we know recently got married and requested no gifts, but if anyone felt absolutely compelled to give something, they asked that they donate to a charity. I thought that was so lovely.

I had this conversation a few months ago with my sister who's getting married. She really felt the whole registry thing was weird too. But the truth is that most wedding guests will buy a gift of some sort, and most people want to choose a gift that the recipient will like. And most recipients seem to like getting things they like. So it makes sense to do something to make that easier.

But she said she was getting grief either way: if she did register people would take issue with the things she chose/say she was asking for gifts, and if she didn't they would complain they didn't know she needed. In the end she decided to do a small registry. I think it has worked out so far. Except for the one aunt who insisted on going off-registry and buying "the most wonderful hand blender ever!" My sister agrees -- she already had one. ? (I'm not complaining -- she gave me the extra!)

I don't see much difference in the material vs. experience/house gift either. I just prefer to go tangible, probably for the same reasons I don't usually like to go in on group gifts. I like choosing something special. 

[TechWife]

I usually give money for a wedding gift, so this wouldn’t bother me. I would just give a check in a card though and wouldn’t do a go fund me or anything like that. 

[Kanin]

For some reason, all the weddings I’ve been to have been far away - either a plane ride away, or a 4-5 hour drive. Either scenario involves 2 nights in a hotel. It’s expensive!! In situations like this, I really feel like my presence is the gift.

[Scarlett]

I know why it bugs me.  Traditionally gifts to newlyweds are to help them set up house.  Experience funds are setting up house.  This couple has already been living together so they don' t need help setting up a house...thus it feels like a gift/money grab.  And while true no one needs crystal or china to set up a house, traditionally people did want those things in order to entertain in their home.  

I doubt we will contribute to the fund.....I am going to look at those spices Tibbie mentioned.

[freesia]

I don't think that it's a gift/money grab.  People want to give to bless and celebrate the event.  Think of it like a birthday gift--the first birthday of the marriage.  It's about blessing the couple.  I think that funding them to go to the home country (to meet extended family) is a lovely idea.  I have lived overseas several times and, if I'd married in one of those countries, I would have been so blessed if folks would have sent us home to see/celebrate with my relatives.  Honeymoons are kind of the same thing in some ways. They can be a time to decompress and focus on each other and have fun together before all the stresses of life come upon you.

But, I totally get that some folks want something tangible.  My favorite wedding gift was a knife set.  I was so blessed by those that gave to us to set up our house.  I was just also blessed by those that gave us money bc we were moving out of the country in 7 months and it helped us set up there.  I think it would have been completely awesome though if some folks had given to a honeymoon fund for us bc we had a real budget honeymoon (ds was headed to grad school) and we were too frugal to spend money we might need, but it would have been really sweet of them.  Just another way to bless a couple.

Just wanted to add a different perspective.

[Annie G]

In 1980 when I got married, we were really blessed by the modest gifts. Still using the pots and pans we received, and some of the Tupperware. And now I’m really close to my nephew and his wife and they have given us a couple of gifts that every time we use I think of them. Stuff we’d never buy ourselves....a Yeti and instant read thermometer. Do monetary gifts have that same long term warm feeling? Maybe. I used birthday money from inlaws to buy a beautiful handmade bedside table and I do think of my inlaws often when I look at it.  But I still have a bias toward actual gifts, whether it’s rational or not. 

[hippiemamato3]

I think it's sweet that they want a "trip back home" fund! We usually give money anyway for weddings.

[Liz CA]

3 hours ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

I have a bad attitude about this. I'm not sending people on trips or helping them buy a house, just because they are getting married...but I recognize that this is probably an outdated and curmudgeonly attitude, so I don't say anything. I scroll further down in the registry to see if they need some sheets...if not, they're getting a box of Penzey's spices...

 

I was in two minds about this as well but since it seems to be the current (and likely future) trend, I just shrug and select something. I suppose if I spend $100 on a gift, I can contribute $100 toward a trip. In the end it's the same. 

[Liz CA]

12 minutes ago, Annie G said:

In 1980 when I got married, we were really blessed by the modest gifts. Still using the pots and pans we received, and some of the Tupperware. And now I’m really close to my nephew and his wife and they have given us a couple of gifts that every time we use I think of them. Stuff we’d never buy ourselves....a Yeti and instant read thermometer. Do monetary gifts have that same long term warm feeling? Maybe. I used birthday money from inlaws to buy a beautiful handmade bedside table and I do think of my inlaws often when I look at it.  But I still have a bias toward actual gifts, whether it’s rational or not. 

 

This used to be the case and is probably why I initially raised my eyebrows at the "Contribution Gift Funds." I still have items my mother gave me and some of MIL's gifts. Some of those things do accompany you through life but perhaps this is all less meaningful today as it once was. And the $ toward a trip is not something people are going to remember as in: "The dinner we had tonight is from Aunt Mary and Uncle Joe. They contributed $100 to our honeymoon fund."

[Annie G]

Just now, Liz CA said:

 

This used to be the case and is probably why I initially raised my eyebrows at the "Contribution Gift Funds." I still have items my mother gave me and some of MIL's gifts. Some of those things do accompany you through life but perhaps this is all less meaningful today as it once was.

You’re right. Change isn’t bad, it just takes a little time to embrace. 

[Liz CA]

3 hours ago, regentrude said:

But many items on a traditional registry are luxury as well. Who needs crystal or fancy china? 

 

Why Regentrude! Coming from the old country, you know that those things were passed down through generations...if nobody broke them before they could be passed down. I am missing those expressive smileys again.

[Liz CA]

3 hours ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

I have a bad attitude about this. I'm not sending people on trips or helping them buy a house, just because they are getting married...but I recognize that this is probably an outdated and curmudgeonly attitude, so I don't say anything. I scroll further down in the registry to see if they need some sheets...if not, they're getting a box of Penzey's spices...

 

I am one of those people who would love the spices. They last a lot longer than the trip would.  ?

[freesia]

5 minutes ago, Liz CA said:

 

I am one of those people who would love the spices. They last a lot longer than the trip would.  ?

Yes, spices are a great idea 

[poppy]

I once gave a person a 'ghost tour' in whatever city they were doing their honeymoon in. Really it amounted to giving them $60, but it felt like I was giving something specific, not cash. I didn't mind that.

[regentrude]

45 minutes ago, Liz CA said:

 And the $ toward a trip is not something people are going to remember as in: "The dinner we had tonight is from Aunt Mary and Uncle Joe. They contributed $100 to our honeymoon fund."

But this line of thought makes the gift giving to be about the giver and not the recipient. Do I primarily want the recipient to enjoy the gift, or do I  want to make myself memorable? 

[Liz CA]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

But this line of thought makes the gift giving to be about the giver and not the recipient. Do I primarily want the recipient to enjoy the gift, or do I  want to make myself memorable? 

 

This thought is why I became less bothered by the "funding." Perhaps I have heard the word "funding" in so many contexts that it seemed odd to have it intrude on weddings as well.

[regentrude]

39 minutes ago, Liz CA said:

 

Why Regentrude! Coming from the old country, you know that those things were passed down through generations...if nobody broke them before they could be passed down. 

Coming "from the old country", my grandmother was a refugee who fled with her children across Germany to escape the bombings. They lost everything.  China and crystal didn't even make the short list of what was packed ?

[Liz CA]

5 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Coming "from the old country", my grandmother was a refugee who fled with her children across Germany to escape the bombings. They lost everything.  China and crystal didn't even make the short list of what was packed ?

 

Same here. Grandma talked about how they sewed the little money they had into the seams of dresses and jackets so the soldiers didn't find it. However, after grandma rebuilt her life a bit she collected some china again and she insisted on sending (across the ocean!) a platter to me that she wanted me to have. The platter made it unscathed. This is the kind of thing that I view as a "keepsake" wedding gift. Grandma has been gone for some time now; I still have the platter.

For nieces and nephews or non-relatives, this kind of thing would likely not be so meaningful.

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, Liz CA said:

And the $ toward a trip is not something people are going to remember as in: "The dinner we had tonight is from Aunt Mary and Uncle Joe. They contributed $100 to our honeymoon fund."

 

If it is money used to fund the tickets home to visit their parents or to pay for their parents tickets to attend their wedding, I’m sure the couple would appreciate for a very long time.

When my ex-classmates were married in another country due to the couple having different nationalities, air miles were asked for because some of us were broke fresh graduates but we have airfare mileage from business trips to donate. 

[Guest]

29 minutes ago, regentrude said:

But this line of thought makes the gift giving to be about the giver and not the recipient. Do I primarily want the recipient to enjoy the gift, or do I  want to make myself memorable? 

I think this too. I remember when I got married (1994), one future SIL told me her mother thought gift registries are wrong because, “it’s supposed to be me giving you what I want you to have”. I was astonished someone would think this way about registries! 

I have always been grateful for the, because otherwise I am frozen with indecision, walking around the store going, “maybe they already have a pepper mill...maybe they don’t but it’s because they think pepper mills are meaningless clutter and they buy their pepper already ground...” 

If it’s the case that I still want to give them something tangible, there are ways to do this, too. When my SIL got married, one relative did a little watercolor painting of a bride directly on SIL’s wedding invitation and framed it. She LOVES that gift. It is one of her most cherished things she displays in her china cabinet. Not suggesting that everyone can just whip out a watercolor painting in order to give something tangible, but what I’m saying is, it is possible to give to a contribution fund but also give some memorable, fun thing that is tangible. When my niece got married, I gave her a little screwdriver set and wrote a little joke in there about being able to screw something without having to wait for her hisband to get home. ? 

[moonflower]

I don't get the complaint?

If you've been living together for a while, which many people these days have, you've probably got all the things you need or want.  I hate buying wedding presents because it's always like a set of dishes or a blender and I know they already have these things so it feels silly.  I'd be happy to donate to a trip back home fund or a honeymoon fund or, heck, even a pay for this wedding fund.

My sister is getting married this summer; they've lived together for I think 5 years.  They live in NYC in a small 1 bedroom apartment.  Even if they wanted a lot of things, they just can't have them - they're already paying $1500+ for the 1 bedroom and they're not going to pay more just to store more stuff.  So while she'll happily accept the blenders and the sheets and the iced tea glasses, probably she's going to take it all back to Target or wherever and trade it in for grocery money, because every paycheck has gone to the wedding for months.

I was planning to buy her a beautiful double wedding ring quilt, but I realized that at this stage in life, she'd much rather have $500 than a(nother) quilt.  As it is, they're not going on a honeymoon for a year.  So, although I outright refuse to do gift cards or cash gifts almost ever, in this circumstance I'll probably write her a check, because I know how much I would have appreciated one in my broke years..

[Scarlett]

14 minutes ago, moonflower said:

I don't get the complaint?

If you've been living together for a while, which many people these days have, you've probably got all the things you need or want.  I hate buying wedding presents because it's always like a set of dishes or a blender and I know they already have these things so it feels silly.  I'd be happy to donate to a trip back home fund or a honeymoon fund or, heck, even a pay for this wedding fund.

My sister is getting married this summer; they've lived together for I think 5 years.  They live in NYC in a small 1 bedroom apartment.  Even if they wanted a lot of things, they just can't have them - they're already paying $1500+ for the 1 bedroom and they're not going to pay more just to store more stuff.  So while she'll happily accept the blenders and the sheets and the iced tea glasses, probably she's going to take it all back to Target or wherever and trade it in for grocery money, because every paycheck has gone to the wedding for months.

I was planning to buy her a beautiful double wedding ring quilt, but I realized that at this stage in life, she'd much rather have $500 than a(nother) quilt.  As it is, they're not going on a honeymoon for a year.  So, although I outright refuse to do gift cards or cash gifts almost ever, in this circumstance I'll probably write her a check, because I know how much I would have appreciated one in my broke years..

Well.....it wasn't exactly a complaint.....it just rubs me the wrong way.  As I said before wedding gifts are for helping a couple set up a home.  If they already have a home......shrug.....

[Scarlett]

24 minutes ago, Quill said:

I think this too. I remember when I got married (1994), one future SIL told me her mother thought gift registries are wrong because, “it’s supposed to be me giving you what I want you to have”. I was astonished someone would think this way about registries! 

I have always been grateful for the, because otherwise I am frozen with indecision, walking around the store going, “maybe they already have a pepper mill...maybe they don’t but it’s because they think pepper mills are meaningless clutter and they buy their pepper already ground...” 

If it’s the case that I still want to give them something tangible, there are ways to do this, too. When my SIL got married, one relative did a little watercolor painting of a bride directly on SIL’s wedding invitation and framed it. She LOVES that gift. It is one of her most cherished things she displays in her china cabinet. Not suggesting that everyone can just whip out a watercolor painting in order to give something tangible, but what I’m saying is, it is possible to give to a contribution fund but also give some memorable, fun thing that is tangible. When my niece got married, I gave her a little screwdriver set and wrote a little joke in there about being able to screw something without having to wait for her hisband to get home. ? 

My mom hates registries and refuses to buy off one.  I like registries......this couple only had the new house and travel fund options. 

[TheReader]

5 hours ago, Katy said:

I think it's understandable.  More people want experiences, not things, and more people get married later and already have double sets of house stuff, so they don't need traditional registry gifts.

Yes, this. So many are marrying with already having their household of stuff....DH's co-worker just got married, and same thing, the registry was primarily "contribute to our honeymoon."  But, they're both adult women, been together a while, have a child, our state just recently allowed them to marry (well, thanks to the Supreme Court ruling; our state would probably never do so otherwise), so we contributed to the fund in the amount we would have spent on a "traditional" gift otherwise. 

 

[Frances]

19 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well.....it wasn't exactly a complaint.....it just rubs me the wrong way.  As I said before wedding gifts are for helping a couple set up a home.  If they already have a home......shrug.....

Even couples who haven’t been living together often have two homes set up and outfitted, so likely don’t need much either. The age of first marriage has increased significantly in the US.

Edited to add that I would much rather contribute to a trip back home to see family or buying a house than accumulating more stuff.

[Liz CA]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

My mom hates registries and refuses to buy off one.  I like registries......this couple only had the new house and travel fund options. 

 

I don't think I have seen an "New House Fund" yet, mostly "Fund Honeymoon."

[LucyStoner]

We didn’t make a gift registry when we got married.  I’ve never liked gift registries in general but accepted that they are normal, for valid reasons, for weddings and baby showers.  We chose not to participate. We did receive a lot of gifts- mostly cash and while that was not our intent, it was more useful to us being used to start our retirement funds than on stuff we wouldn’t use.  

I always assumed trip/house/whatever “registry funds” would bother me at a wedding I was invited to.  Seemed tacky, in a way I couldn’t well define.  But for a long time all of the weddings we were invited to had either no registry or a traditional registry.  We took to giving super nice irons to anyone who would use it and cash and/or date nigh gift cards for anyone who wouldn’t have the need for an iron.  That was our gift.  

Then it happened.  A friend invited me to a wedding with a honeymoon fund registry.  

Ahhnnd, something unexpected happened.  

I was not the slightest bit bugged. At all.  Not even one little bit.  

Because these people were my friends.  I’ve known the groom since we were avowed high school debate enemies who later reached a sudden detente and became fast friends.  And I realized that I was too excited for him to have found this awesome partner and for the crazy fun honeymoon they had planned (combining their honeymoon with a cross country move) to give a rip about any deviation from my expectations.  We made a gift to the fund without a second thought and I hope they had a riotous good time.   

 They were +/-40 and well established adults.  They didn’t have kids and will never have kids.  It was the gothiest wedding ever.  A consumer based gift registry for the expected household trappings for a life they would never lead would be a lot weirder than a travel fund.    

I think times have changed.  I don’t think anyone means anything nasty by these wedding funds.  At the end of the day, I  don’t think it’s much different than the more traditional wedding registries.  

 

[moonflower]

Oh, I see, I didn't think of a wedding gift as helping the couple set up a home.  I thought of it as a congratulations on getting married, here's to your new life together gift.  Maybe it is an age thing?  I'm a Millennial.

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, LucyStoner said:

We didn’t make a gift registry when we got married.  I’ve never liked gift registries in general but accepted that they are normal, for valid reasons, for weddings and baby showers.  We chose not to participate. We did receive a lot of gifts- mostly cash and while that was not our intent, it was more useful to us being used to start our retirement funds than on stuff we wouldn’t use.  

I always assumed trip/house/whatever “registry funds” would bother me at a wedding I was invited to.  Seemed tacky, in a way I couldn’t well define.  But for a long time all of the weddings we were invited to had either no registry or a traditional registry.  We took to giving super nice irons to anyone who would use it and cash and/or date nigh gift cards for anyone who wouldn’t have the need for an iron.  That was our gift.  

Then it happened.  A friend invited me to a wedding with a honeymoon fund registry.  

Ahhnnd, something unexpected happened.  

I was not the slightest bit bugged. At all.  Not even one little bit.  

Because these people were my friends.  I’ve known the groom since we were avowed high school debate enemies who later reached a sudden detente and became fast friends.  And I realized that I was too excited for him to have found this awesome partner and for the crazy fun honeymoon they had planned to combine their honeymoon with a cross country move to give a rip about what their preferred gift was.  We made a gift to the fund without a second thought.  

 They were +/-40 and well established adults.  It was the gothiest wedding ever.  A consumer based gift registry for stuff they didn’t need would seem rather odd for them TBH.  

I think times have changed.  I don’t think anyone means anything nasty by these wedding funds.  At the end of the day, I  don’t think it’s much different than the more traditional wedding registries.  

 

Yes, I think part of it is that I do not know either one of these people.