Who should get the bedrooms?

[caedmyn]

I think I would let the older 2 have the bedrooms, with the understanding that they have to bunk together when the girl is there.  I'm not sure about the 17 YO...I guess I'd either say same understanding, the older 2 bunk together when he's there, or maybe he has the option of the couch or bunking with his brother (and same option if the girl is visiting at the same time he is).  But depending on the total amount of time per year the younger two would be visiting (ie 6 months total a year between the two?), I could also see having the older two split a room permanently and the other room being available for whichever of the others comes to visit, with the girl getting priority if they're both there.  I'm not sure there is a really good solution really...and it's not necessarily fair, but to my mind the girl needing her own space for longer visits trumps the 17 YOs needing a space for short visits.

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, goldberry said:

It is so weird to me that you are calling the college girl a visitor.  A dorm is not permanent housing.  My daughter is in a dorm, but my home is her permanent house right now.  She was home over holidays, some weekends, and will be home over summer.  She is not a visitor.  That is so odd to me that you would think of it in those terms.  

I have a DD in college, the same distance away as the girl in the OP. In the four years, she was home one single summer, one spring break week, and each year for 4 days at Thanksgiving and 7-10 days at Christmas. While I consider her part of the family, from a practical perspective these are visits and would not warrant  her bedroom sitting unused for 48 weeks out of the year if that mean a person who actually lives here wouldn't have a room.

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

I think I would let the older 2 have the bedrooms, with the understanding that they have to bunk together when the girl is there.  I'm not sure about the 17 YO...I guess I'd either say same understanding, the older 2 bunk together when he's there, or maybe he has the option of the couch or bunking with his brother (and same option if the girl is visiting at the same time he is).  But depending on the total amount of time per year the younger two would be visiting (ie 6 months total a year between the two?), I could also see having the older two split a room permanently and the other room being available for whichever of the others comes to visit, with the girl getting priority if they're both there.  I'm not sure there is a really good solution really...and it's not necessarily fair, but to my mind the girl needing her own space for longer visits trumps the 17 YOs needing a space for short visits.

He is probably there more than she is.  He will be there half the summer.  But I agree the girl needs privacy from those 3 brother/step brothers.

[goldberry]

18 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I have a DD in college, the same distance away as the girl in the OP. In the four years, she was home one single summer, one spring break week, and each year for 4 days at Thanksgiving and 7-10 days at Christmas. While I consider her part of the family, from a practical perspective these are visits and would not warrant  her bedroom sitting unused for 48 weeks out of the year if that mean a person who actually lives here wouldn't have a room.

I guess it depends.  As I said, I don't have a problem sharing the room during the school year, but if the kid wants to be home for the summer, and it has been her pattern to be home for the summer, she should have her room.

[Katy]

Well in this case, not my monkeys not my circus.  IME kids make extraordinary excuses for bad parenting decisions when they only see that parent every other weekend. They excuse things from partially estranged parents that they would never excuse from anyone else.

Extra long twin bunk beds are long enough for grown men.  That's why they're standard issue dorm supplies.  I would have XL bunk beds in the larger room with a third bed as well.  Potentially a triple bunk.  Probably a futon or daybed that could function as a place to sit when there is no need for anyone to sleep on it.

If DD is home from college, she'd get the guest room.  If 17 year old was home he could sleep in guest room if DD wasn't home. Otherwise he'd join the boys.

[Bootsie]

IME, how much a child who is in college returns home varies greatly.  Sometimes, home is still seen as the primary location and the child is "away" at college.  In other situations, the child has moved out and "visits" at home.  This can vary depending upon personalities, distance to college, how much college dorms are open, and other factors.  Perhaps one of the family's considerations was, "We can afford to help send you off to college, but we can't afford to pay for you to live in a dorm AND keep a room at home; we will need to downsize to afford to pay for you to live somewhere else. Are you willing to sleep on the couch when you visit home in order to be able to afford college?"

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, jdahlquist said:

IME, how much a child who is in college returns home varies greatly.  Sometimes, home is still seen as the primary location and the child is "away" at college.  In other situations, the child has moved out and "visits" at home.  This can vary depending upon personalities, distance to college, how much college dorms are open, and other factors.  Perhaps one of the family's considerations was, "We can afford to help send you off to college, but we can't afford to pay for you to live in a dorm AND keep a room at home; we will need to downsize to afford to pay for you to live somewhere else. Are you willing to sleep on the couch when you visit home in order to be able to afford college?"

Yeah, well in this case it seems they downsized but made the 2 bedrooms in new small house for the younger two. Dss picked out and painted his room and all that.  

[KungFuPanda]

This is a family with 4 kids in a three bedroom. I’d put all three boys in the master, the parents in the 2nd largest room, and the daughter in the smallest room. She’s likely there for summer, winter breaks, holidays, and occasional weekends. That’s not insignificant.  I could see the younger son using her room for weekend visits when she’s not home, but he needs a dedicated bed in the boys’ room. The ages don’t matter so much to me. Nobody should have to sleep in the living room.  I’d be looking at turning a dining room, family room, or basement space into another bedroom.

It sounds like the parents downsized too soon, but you can make almost anything work with a little imagination.  

[Scarlett]

Just now, KungFuPanda said:

This is a family with 4 kids in a three bedroom. I’d put all three boys in the master, the parents in the 2nd largest room, and the daughter in the smallest room. She’s likely there for summer, winter breaks, holidays, and occasional weekends. That’s not insignificant.  I could see the younger son using her room for weekend visits when she’s not home, but he needs a dedicated bed in the boys’ room. The ages don’t matter so much to me. Nobody should have to sleep in the living room.  I’d be looking at turning a dining room, family room, or basement space into another bedroom.

It sounds like the parents downsized too soon, but you can make almost anything work with a little imagination.  

Well it will be interesting to see what happens. There is no dining room or basement or laundry room or family room.  It is a 1000 sf rectangular box.  The master is not big, but does have a bathroom.  The other two bedrooms are same size.  8 X 9 or some such.  Very very tiny.

 

[KungFuPanda]

5 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I wonder if it matters that the two adults are son of husband son of wife and the college girl is dd of husband and the 17 year old is son of wife.  In other words, a blended family.  

If I was the college girl or the 17 year old I certainly would not feel welcome there for weekends and summer if my room was given away to grown men with jobs.

 

You seem really determined to distinguish between the grown kids and the younger ones. You are looking at 4 children who are practically the same age.  The age span looks to be less than 5 years for ALL of them and they all seem to be at the edge of the nest with no real successful flights yet.  20 and 21 are still college-aged, so it's not surprising that nobody is fully self-supporting yet especially if this his a HCOL area.  The parents need to make the decision that best preserves the FAMILY.  What solution will keep everyone feeling loved enough to still be at Thanksgiving dinner with their own kids in 10 years?  These kids might be old enough AND mature enough to present a workable solution if the family spends time discussing it.  The parents need a united We Love You ALL front as they brainstorm solutions.  What's best for TODAY might not be best for the family in the long run. I'm guessing your friends with the mother of the youngest, so that will skew your perspective a bit.

It would be easier if the gender mix wasn't 3 and 1.  Perhaps they can divide a room for the younger two and keep the older two in a separate room?  Some panel blinds can do wonders to reconfigure a room on the fly.  A piece of conduit pipe and a canvas dropcloth are an instant $20 wall.  SOMEONE in that house must have the skill to build a loft bed or the ability to figure it out from youtube. They may have to go a bit weird and really look at the layout.  Can they convert a garage, attic, or basement into a sleeping area?

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

 

You seem really determined to distinguish between the grown kids and the younger ones. You are looking at 4 children who are practically the same age.  The age span looks to be less than 5 years for ALL of them and they all seem to be at the edge of the nest with no real successful flights yet.  20 and 21 are still college-aged, so it's not surprising that nobody is fully self-supporting yet especially if this his a HCOL area.  The parents need to make the decision that best preserves the FAMILY.  What solution will keep everyone feeling loved enough to still be at Thanksgiving dinner with their own kids in 10 years?  These kids might be old enough AND mature enough to present a workable solution if the family spends time discussing it.  The parents need a united We Love You ALL front as they brainstorm solutions.  What's best for TODAY might not be best for the family in the long run. I'm guessing your friends with the mother of the youngest, so that will skew your perspective a bit.

It would be easier if the gender mix wasn't 3 and 1.  Perhaps they can divide a room for the younger two and keep the older two in a separate room?  Some panel blinds can do wonders to reconfigure a room on the fly.  A piece of conduit pipe and a canvas dropcloth are an instant $20 wall.  SOMEONE in that house must have the skill to build a loft bed or the ability to figure it out from youtube. They may have to go a bit weird and really look at the layout.  Can they convert a garage, attic, or basement into a sleeping area?

Well I disagree the two oldest are children at all even if the two younger are close in age....we do not live in a HCOL and they certainly are capable of paying for an apartment.  And maybe they will.  If they had been in this house all along it would be one thing.  But when they bought it the olders were out and the rooms were set up for the youngers.  So I think letting the olders move back in and kick the youngers to the sofa and blow up is just not nice.  But that is my opinion which obviously you don't share. Hopefully the 17 year old doesn't feel rejected by his mom.

I think the bedrooms are like 8 X 9 or something crazy small.  I am sure if they got creative they could make sleeping space in the 2 bedrooms for 4 people.  There is no attic, garage, basement...the house is just a box with open kitchen living room....2 bedrooms and a bath off the living room and one bedroom behind the kitchen.  Washer and dryer in kitchen. 

The youngest is the son of the woman.  He is my step son.

[KungFuPanda]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well I disagree the two oldest are children at all even if the two younger are close in age....we do not live in a HCOL and they certainly are capable of paying for an apartment.  And maybe they will.  If they had been in this house all along it would be one thing.  But when they bought it the olders were out and the rooms were set up for the youngers.  So I think letting the olders move back in and kick the youngers to the sofa and blow up is just not nice.  But that is my opinion which obviously you don't share. Hopefully the 17 year old doesn't feel rejected by his mom.

I think the bedrooms are like 8 X 9 or something crazy small.  I am sure if they got creative they could make sleeping space in the 2 bedrooms for 4 people.  There is no attic, garage, basement...the house is just a box with open kitchen living room....2 bedrooms and a bath off the living room and one bedroom behind the kitchen.  Washer and dryer in kitchen. 

The youngest is the son of the woman.  He is my step son.

 

It is an interesting, and difficult, logistical problem.  You'd think the son in construction could assist with a temporary solution.  I get that there is no attic, but is there attic space that would enable them to lift the ceiling in one bedroom to make more headspace for lofts?  I get that three of the four are legal adults, but the youngest is just a year from that.  With those ages, SOMEONE will blink first and move out in the next couple of years.  This is a somewhat temporary squeeze at a transitional time in the lives of everyone involved.  It does suck for your son to go from having his own decorated room to a shared situation at bio mom's house, but flexibility is a valuable life skill. It's still cushier and more private than military barracks. LOL It would be nice if the older son got the travel trailer sooner rather than later. Still, the relationships matter the most here and I hope these parents have the finesse to preserve them even if they have to embrace tiny house living for the time being.

 

ETA:  I do think it is very sweet and protective that you are advocating for your stepson.  

[Scarlett]

I know he will be ok.  It isn't the end of the world or anything....and really if he hates it too bad he can just stop spending the night.  She only lives an hour away so he can just go spend the day or whatever.  

I just looked at the pictures of the house again from when they bought it and man ALL the bedrooms are TINY. .  A full size bed takes up almost the entire space....and in the 'master' there are build ins over the bed and about two feet of floor space besides the bed. 

 

[Scarlett]

So while looking at their house on line I noticed the description says 4 bedroom.  Hard to believe but then that really explains why the bedrooms are all so small. I just asked dss about it and he reminded me there are 4 bedrooms but the one next to the 'master' is being used as a closet and eventually they are going to combine the master and that bedroom into one master. 

[Ravin]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I agree the girl needs privacy. I believe the rooms are very very small....and all the boys are big.  All of them are 6'2 or taller.  I doubt bunk beds would work.

 

Bunk beds will work. Being tall does not make one incapable of sleeping in a bunk bed. It wouldn't be luxury, but it would be functional.

[Scarlett]

45 minutes ago, Ravin said:

Bunk beds will work. Being tall does not make one incapable of sleeping in a bunk bed. It wouldn't be luxury, but it would be functional.

 

Well it will be interesting to see what they do.  

[catz]

My son has an extra long double over twin bunk.   It is possible to buy those.  Extra long is pretty standard for dorm beds.  

[LucyStoner]

It is very impractical to have people who live there all the time camped out in the living room.  I speak as someone who has someone camped out in my living room and seriously, this arrangement cannot be resolved fast enough. 

In that situation, I would probably arrange the rooms so that each room could have 2-3 people sleeping in there.  The oldest two, who are there the most could each take one room but then double up when there is a full house.  

I would make sure everyone had a bed that was not an air mattress. 

[LucyStoner]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I agree the girl needs privacy. I believe the rooms are very very small....and all the boys are big.  All of them are 6'2 or taller.  I doubt bunk beds would work.

 

A regular bunk bed is no shorter than a full mattress.  An XL twin is as long as a Queen or King bed.  

Universities sometimes sell surplus XL twin beds and bunk beds.  Here you can get them for like $25!

My husband is tall and shares a full bed with me every night and I am no midget either.  My brother is tall and he sleeps on a twin bed whenever his daughters are having their overnight visits with their non-custodial parent because a twin bed is better than my freaking couch.  

Bunks can definitely work, even for grown men.  

[Scarlett]

It will be interesting to see what they come up with.  I hate to see dss have to be on an air mattress when he goes to visit.  Not to mention the girl while she is home for summer.  

[Tap]

How much time does the 17yo stay there?  Especially over nights? If it is an occasional thing, and this person has a room set up at the other parents house, then it isn't a big deal to me that they have to sleep on the cound a night or two a week.  If the 17 yo is in a 50/50 parent situation and is expected to spend half of the week including nights at this house, then I would think it was odd that they didn't have a bedroom.....but it would seem even stranger to make someone who lives there full time, to move out of the room every week and sleep on the couch.  It doesn't sound like an ideal situation for an family to be in...but I would likely say "who lives there full time, gets the room".

 

I would not put full size adults in bunk beds.  That is ridiculous to me.  The couch/air mattress is at least reasonable, full size accommodations. 

[TechWife]

I think a 17 year old who lives with a parent part time (or less) should have their own bed (in a bedroom, not the living room). They should have their own bedroom if possible.  Minor children aren't guests, no matter how infrequently they are able to come over. Therefore, as family members, they should have a bed, a place to call their own.

[kiwik]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

So while looking at their house on line I noticed the description says 4 bedroom.  Hard to believe but then that really explains why the bedrooms are all so small. I just asked dss about it and he reminded me there are 4 bedrooms but the one next to the 'master' is being used as a closet and eventually they are going to combine the master and that bedroom into one master. 

Then i would convert that back into a bedroom for the foreseeable future.  The older boys could have a room each on the condition they move totally out of the appropriate room when the 17 yo or daughter are home.  When everyone is home both older boys share the closet room. The younger 2 need the rooms emotionally.

[DawnM]

In MY house they would just share bedrooms.  But it isn't my house.

[DawnM]

13 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I agree the girl needs privacy. I believe the rooms are very very small....and all the boys are big.  All of them are 6'2 or taller.  I doubt bunk beds would work.

 

 

I would come up with something.  Even two XL twin mattresses that can be put on the floor at night, but up against the wall in the daytime would be fine, giving them room in the daytime if they need it for whatever.

 

I have always thought that if we need to downsize to what we had in CA again, the boys would have that set up OR Japanese rolling mats to sleep on and space in the daytime for whatever.

My oldest currently has his own room and it is large, but he likes to take friends up there to play board games and he has a folding table and folding chairs in there to set up for it.  

[SKL]

Sounds like they need to convert the "closet" into a bedroom for those who live there part-time.  During times when all 4 offspring are present, either two of the males could share or one could sleep on the couch.

The issue with having the olders in the living room is that they need a permanent place to dump all their stuff.  Those who are only there part-time and who are younger would have a lot less stuff present, I would think.

[KungFuPanda]

That 4th bedroom changes everything. I’d put the parents in the master. One older son and the 17-year old go in the 2nd largest bedroom.  The other grown son in the 3rd largest. The daughter in the smallest. They have room for a walk-in closet. They could consider a storage unit with the employed sons splitting that rental. 

This way, when 2 kids are there they have space but when 4 kids are there everyone has their OWN bed that’s not in a common living area. 

Id also have the parents and daughter assigned to one bathroom and the three boys to the other. 

I don’t know WHY I’m so invested in this riddle.

[Scarlett]

9 hours ago, TechWife said:

I think a 17 year old who lives with a parent part time (or less) should have their own bed (in a bedroom, not the living room). They should have their own bedroom if possible.  Minor children aren't guests, no matter how infrequently they are able to come over. Therefore, as family members, they should have a bed, a place to call their own.

This sums up my entire feelings on the matter.  I am not against young adults living at home or even coming back home if circumstances require it.  But the 17 year old IS a minor and he is under court order to go for visitation every so often (not that she would enforce that if he said he didn't want to go but the court order actually does exist) .  If the older two needed to come back IMO, it should have been 'sure, you can put a mattress in your (minor) brother's room and share with him'.  And the same with the other older who is the bio brother of the college girl. 'Sure, your sister isn't here much but when she is she gets her room and you will have to make do on the sofa.'

And obviously I am not there, but it feels much more like they moved in and the youngers rooms were just taken over.

[Scarlett]

31 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

That 4th bedroom changes everything. I’d put the parents in the master. One older son and the 17-year old go in the 2nd largest bedroom.  The other grown son in the 3rd largest. The daughter in the smallest. They have room for a walk-in closet. They could consider a storage unit with the employed sons splitting that rental. 

This way, when 2 kids are there they have space but when 4 kids are there everyone has their OWN bed that’s not in a common living area. 

Id also have the parents and daughter assigned to one bathroom and the three boys to the other. 

I don’t know WHY I’m so invested in this riddle.

 

25 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

Me too!  It’s kind of a perplexing/infuriating situationto watch, I can see why Scarlett is upset, especially with all the issues her poor DSS is managing already.  But no solution is going to be without notable trade offs and that balance makes it tougher.

LOL....

Dss said that his step dad has too many clothes and that is why the 4th bedroom is being used for a closet.  Which made me laugh because obviously she has a lot of clothes too. Then dss  said well she has a lot of shoes.  In their defense, and God knows I think they need one ;), the 'master' is just another tiny bedroom less than 75 sf.  Seriously it looks like it is maybe 8 X 8 with a joke of a closet. Built in shelves over the bed across the full length of the room.  This is a lake house, not on the lake but near it and I believe it was built a vacation/lake home.  

I do feel better having talked it out.  It is better I vent here, even if some tell me I should just MMOB, then vent to dss or dh.  

[Murphy101]

18 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I agree the girl needs privacy. I believe the rooms are very very small....and all the boys are big.  All of them are 6'2 or taller.  I doubt bunk beds would work.

 

 You can buy XL bunkbeds. They are the same length as a queen bed.  It’d still be difficult not to bash heads upon getting out but whatever. I bet they’d manage. 

I think rooms should go to who is living there. And summer might not be that big a deal. Many college kids aren’t home much for the summer.

And I’d be okay with two boys sharing a bed and taking turns with the third on a sofa bed. This way the girl gets a room for the summer and no one gets stuck on the sofa for months. 

It sounds like they downsized enough that kids could visit but didn’t plan for an actual move back home possibility.  Which is unfortunate bc these days that almost seems like a guarantee event. 

[Murphy101]

I just read there’s actually four rooms but some jerk can’t be bothered to downsize his wardrobe.  So there went my sympathy. That’s just sad to me to insist everyone else lived a more cramped and unwelcome environment because ... fashion? Yeah. No. That crap wouldn’t fly in my house.

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 You can buy XL bunkbeds. They are the same length as a queen bed.  It’d still be difficult not to bash heads upon getting out but whatever. I bet they’d manage. 

I think rooms should go to who is living there. And summer might not be that big a deal. Many college kids aren’t home much for the summer.

And I’d be okay with two boys sharing a bed and taking turns with the third on a sofa bed. This way the girl gets a room for the summer and no one gets stuck on the sofa for months. 

It sounds like they downsized enough that kids could visit but didn’t plan for an actual move back home possibility.  Which is unfortunate bc these days that almost seems like a guarantee event. 

I think this girl plans to be there for the entire summer.  And since they left the area where the oldest 3 graduated high school, they aren't even near any of their friends.  

Your solution would probably be fine for your intact family.  But if one of those kids was underage and lived with their other parent I still say they should have a place to sleep and put their stuff when they come back.

[Murphy101]

34 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I think this girl plans to be there for the entire summer.  And since they left the area where the oldest 3 graduated high school, they aren't even near any of their friends.  

Your solution would probably be fine for your intact family.  But if one of those kids was underage and lived with their other parent I still say they should have a place to sleep and put their stuff when they come back.

 

Huh? Did I misunderstand? 3 kids (2 men in their 20s and a girl) and then the step son?

XL bunks for two grown men who are rotating with the step son for the sofa And the girl gets bedroom. 

Not that it matters. If there’s 4 rooms, it’s simple enough to divide up easier and ridiculous not to just because of laundry. 

[Bluegoat]

44 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

I just read there’s actually four rooms but some jerk can’t be bothered to downsize his wardrobe.  So there went my sympathy. That’s just sad to me to insist everyone else lived a more cramped and unwelcome environment because ... fashion? Yeah. No. That crap wouldn’t fly in my house.

 

You know, what I am wondering is to what extent the parents really want those two older kids at home.  

[Scarlett]

19 minutes ago, Bluegoat said:

 

You know, what I am wondering is to what extent the parents really want those two older kids at home.  

What I wonder is what extent they want the younger two to feel welcome.

And here is the thing.....maybe they all have a time line in mind for one or both of those olders to  be out.  Which is fine.  I know I wouldn't turn my boys away if they needed a place to go until they could get their stuff together.  But I don't see this set up as working long term.  I hope one or  both of them are out by the summer at least.

[Sherry in OH]

There are many ways to resolve the issue of children having to sleep in the living room – rent a storage locker for excess belongings thus freeing up the fourth bedroom, put up a shed in the backyard (either for excess belongings or as sleeping space), bunk children two-per room.  Some of the family could sleep in a camper or a tent.  But, all of the solutions hinge on the two youngest children telling the rest of the family that they feel like unwelcome guests rather than family members.  

If your stepson doesn’t want to make waves, you could help him with the physical discomfort by buying him a camping cot.  Heavy-duty cots designed for large people are available at outdoor outfitters such as Cabelas. One of these cots would be much more comfortable for him than an air mattress and takes up little room when dissembled.  If leaving it at his mother’s house would be an issue, he could keep it in his car between visits.  Unless the visitation agreement specifies that your stepson have a bedroom in his mother’s house, you/your husband can't force her to provide one.  

 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Sherry in OH said:

There are many ways to resolve the issue of children having to sleep in the living room – rent a storage locker for excess belongings thus freeing up the fourth bedroom, put up a shed in the backyard (either for excess belongings or as sleeping space), bunk children two-per room.  Some of the family could sleep in a camper or a tent.  But, all of the solutions hinge on the two youngest children telling the rest of the family that they feel like unwelcome guests rather than family members.  

If your stepson doesn’t want to make waves, you could help him with the physical discomfort by buying him a camping cot.  Heavy-duty cots designed for large people are available at outdoor outfitters such as Cabelas. One of these cots would be much more comfortable for him than an air mattress and takes up little room when dissembled.  If leaving it at his mother’s house would be an issue, he could keep it in his car between visits.  Unless the visitation agreement specifies that your stepson have a bedroom in his mother’s house, you/your husband can't force her to provide one.  

 

Right.  I know we can't force anything, nor will we even try.  If this was my son, I would be raising Holy Heck with XH.  But then again he would not do this to our son.  No way no how.  But it isn't my son and dh probably won't even say anything to XW about lack of a place for dss when he is there.  

I just want dss to know that 'hey, that is a sucky situation and I hope you get your room back soon.'  He shouldn't have to think that is a normal deal.

[Murphy101]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

 I just want dss to know that 'hey, that is a sucky situation and I hope you get your room back soon.'  He shouldn't have to think that is a normal deal.

 

He also shouldn’t have to be made to think it’s a sucky situation either. If he had not expressed a problem with it, then neither should you.  Why bring up how it sucks and how he should have his own room? Why point out that he should feel less than just bc you think he should?

While I agree the clothing/room situation is not very welcoming, they may not want to be that kind of welcoming. And it’s their house, so their prerogative. And if they don’t form a better relationship with their kids, that’s not for anyone else to point out to those kids. Those kids will decide how to view that relationship for themselves.

Be Switzerland. Nearly everyone likes visiting Switzerland. ?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I slept on a cot for the first 8 years of my life and did not have a bedroom of my own.  (Just a corner of my parent's room).

I sleep in the living room now and have for the last twenty years.

I must be super deprived. 

Sometimes families come up with solutions that are different from the American norm.  It really doesn't have to lead to therapy. 

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

He also shouldn’t have to be made to think it’s a sucky situation either. If he had not expressed a problem with it, then neither should you.  Why bring up how it sucks and how he should have his own room? Why point out that he should feel less than just bc you think he should?

While I agree the clothing/room situation is not very welcoming, they may not want to be that kind of welcoming. And it’s their house, so their prerogative. And if they don’t form a better relationship with their kids, that’s not for anyone else to point out to those kids. Those kids will decide how to view that relationship for themselves.

Be Switzerland. Nearly everyone likes visiting Switzerland. ?

I would agree except for the part where dss NEVER speaks up for himself or knows how he feels about stuff.  When I did talk to him I didn't make it about his mom.  I made it about his brother and step brother  (hey they need to get out and get their own place so you can have your room back)

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I slept on a cot for the first 8 years of my life and did not have a bedroom of my own.  (Just a corner of my parent's room).

I sleep in the living room now and have for the last twenty years.

I must be super deprived. 

Sometimes families come up with solutions that are different from the American norm.  It really doesn't have to lead to therapy. 

I have said repeatedly I don't think dss has to have his own room.  He needs to not be displaced and cast aside.  A cot in your parents bedroom is fine.  But you might have felt bad if an older sibling moved back home and you were sent out to the sofa to sleep.

You sleeping in the living room?  I assume you are doing what you want.  As an adult if you don't like that you can change it.

3 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

It’s not the living situation itself so much as the complex relationship dynamics and displacement/replacement issues.  My kids all lived in one bedroom for a few years and only have two bedrooms now, they’re fine.  But they live in with both their married parents in a low key, low stress environment.  

 

The dynamics at play are complex and challenging, way more than the actual bedroom situation or square footage.  I’d say that’s just bringing it to the fore and making things harder with the adults moving back home, not that then coming back actually caused the issue, per se.

Yes.  Exactly.  

[historically accurate]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Right.  I know we can't force anything, nor will we even try.  If this was my son, I would be raising Holy Heck with XH.  But then again he would not do this to our son.  No way no how.  But it isn't my son and dh probably won't even say anything to XW about lack of a place for dss when he is there.  

I just want dss to know that 'hey, that is a sucky situation and I hope you get your room back soon.'  He shouldn't have to think that is a normal deal.

 

I went to a boarding school for high school. In that time, my parents moved and rented a room in someone's house and all of my furniture/non-dorm-belongings went into storage or was sold. I bunked (on a blow up mattress on the floor) with the owner's young daughter when I came home from school (every other weekend-ish and 4 days every six weeks). They then rented a tiny apartment with only 2 bedrooms; my brother, who was home from college for a semester, got the bedroom, and I got the couch. While I understand blended families have different dynamics (and I would probably set up the house differently than they have), it's not abnormal for a many families. 

[Innisfree]

43 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I would agree except for the part where dss NEVER speaks up for himself or knows how he feels about stuff.  

I think this is where I'd consider possibly putting some energy, rather than the immediate situation about the rooms.

Being easygoing and not particularly introspective is fine. 

Does he seem to be unhappy about things and uncomfortable speaking up? Is he suffering because of this, or because of other situations where he does not express opinions? Or is he just happy fitting in with the situations he lands in?

Does he really not know how he feels, or does he just not have strong feelings? The first might suggest a need for some sort of help; the second does not.

I'd spend a while thinking about this, preferably with his father's input, before I decided there was a need to fix anything.

[Murphy101]

48 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I would agree except for the part where dss NEVER speaks up for himself or knows how he feels about stuff.  When I did talk to him I didn't make it about his mom.  I made it about his brother and step brother  (hey they need to get out and get their own place so you can have your room back)

 

Oy. It’s not any better to make it divisive between siblings. It is up to him to decide what’s worth speaking up about. It might be nothing. Or it might be rare.  That’s his choice. He doesn’t have to have the feelings you think he has to have or share them.  If he doesn’t know how he feels, unless you are some psychic empath, then neither do you. There’s just no way you would not only know, but know better than he does how he feels.

[Scarlett]

28 minutes ago, Innisfree said:

I think this is where I'd consider possibly putting some energy, rather than the immediate situation about the rooms.

Being easygoing and not particularly introspective is fine. 

Does he seem to be unhappy about things and uncomfortable speaking up? Is he suffering because of this, or because of other situations where he does not express opinions? Or is he just happy fitting in with the situations he lands in?

Does he really not know how he feels, or does he just not have strong feelings? The first might suggest a need for some sort of help; the second does not.

I'd spend a while thinking about this, preferably with his father's input, before I decided there was a need to fix anything.

 

22 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

Oy. It’s not any better to make it divisive between siblings. It is up to him to decide what’s worth speaking up about. It might be nothing. Or it might be rare.  That’s his choice. He doesn’t have to have the feelings you think he has to have or share them.  If he doesn’t know how he feels, unless you are some psychic empath, then neither do you. There’s just no way you would not only know, but know better than he does how he feels.

I have no intention of 'fixing' anything about the situation at his moms.  I've said all I am going to say to him about it.  

Dss does not seem easy going and  happy to go along.  He seems over eager to keep everyone happy. That is not his job.  Especially not at age 17.  I don't presume I know how he feels....I asked him questions.....when he said he was sleeping on a blow up I asked him how he felt about that.  He just shrugged and got that look on his face when he doesn't want to say anything negative.  So I don't think it is out of line then to say 'hey I hate that you have to sleep on the blow up mattress and maybe the olders will get their own place soon.'  I mean good grief.  Someone needs to let him know that HE is also important and valuable. 

[GoodGrief]

It sounds like the kind of situation that might bother some people and others would not care at all. I know that would not bother me, and it definitely would not have bothered my husband as an older teen. My college kids actually prefer to sleep on the sofa, and I have to force them to use the bedrooms because I don't want the clutter out of the rooms. If he is not complaining, I'd let it go.

 

[Scarlett]

12 minutes ago, GoodGrief1 said:

It sounds like the kind of situation that might bother some people and others would not care at all. I know that would not bother me, and it definitely would not have bothered my husband as an older teen. My college kids actually prefer to sleep on the sofa, and I have to force them to use the bedrooms because I don't want the clutter out of the rooms. If he is not complaining, I'd let it go.

 

Yes this is true.  It would really really bother me.  And I am pretty sure it would really bother ds.  I don't even care how small my 'space' is.....I just need it to be m

[Murphy101]

45 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 

I have no intention of 'fixing' anything about the situation at his moms.  I've said all I am going to say to him about it.  

Dss does not seem easy going and  happy to go along.  He seems over eager to keep everyone happy. That is not his job.  Especially not at age 17.  I don't presume I know how he feels....I asked him questions.....when he said he was sleeping on a blow up I asked him how he felt about that.  He just shrugged and got that look on his face when he doesn't want to say anything negative.  So I don't think it is out of line then to say 'hey I hate that you have to sleep on the blow up mattress and maybe the olders will get their own place soon.'  I mean good grief.  Someone needs to let him know that HE is also important and valuable. 

 

He didn’t want to say anything negative. What makes you think he needed to hear anything negative?

It was not an awful thing to mention and I don’t fault you for thinking it at all. But I can’t see how it helped the situation or made him feel any better.

He is going to know he is important and valuable to you based on your relationship with him, not based on your opinion of his relationships with others. 

It’s okay for him to be a people pleaser. It’s okay for him to get great enjoyment out of making other people happy. There’s nothing wrong with having a tremendously generous personality.  Making him feel like there is isn’t going to change his personality or make him feel better. But it might eventually make him feel like he can’t make you happy, which would be very hurtful to him as a people pleaser.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Murphy101 said:

 

He didn’t want to say anything negative. What makes you think he needed to hear anything negative?

It was not an awful thing to mention and I don’t fault you for thinking it at all. But I can’t see how it helped the situation or made him feel any better.

He is going to know he is important and valuable to you based on your relationship with him, not based on your opinion of his relationships with others. 

It’s okay for him to be a people pleaser. It’s okay for him to get great enjoyment out of making other people happy. There’s nothing wrong with having a tremendously generous personality.  Making him feel like there is isn’t going to change his personality or make him feel better. But it might eventually make him feel like he can’t make you happy, which would be very hurtful to him as a people pleaser.

It isn't that he gets so much enjoyment out of making other people happy. I wouldn't even describe him as tremendously generous.   He seems distraught about keeping everyone from being unhappy.  There is a difference in how I see him and your description above.  Not that easy to relay.

[Innisfree]

If he seems insecure or anxious, and trying to keep people happy for that reason, then I probably would worry. This situation with the bedrooms would bother me more in that case also, because I would want him feeling safe in his position (emotional more than physical) in his mother's house. He needs to feel included and a part of the family.

I guess I'd really just worry less about the bedrooms than about his feeling safe, loved, included, and able to advocate for himself if he feels the need. And it sounds like you're saying that is your real concern, if I'm understanding correctly. So maybe that would be something to talk over with his father. If needed, the two of you could find a way for him to practice advocating for himself. I agree that's an important skill.