My intelligent dd has no interest in extracurriculars...worried about scholarship apps

[popmom]

I've got two in college and two at home. My junior scored a 31 on the ACT and wants to try for a 33. I have no doubts that she can do it.

 

But that's all she's got. She doesn't volunteer. She doesn't play sports. No Beta Club or 4H. She quit ballet a couple of years ago. She works part time in child care at our church. I didn't have this problem with my older dds. What would you do? Force her? idk

 

The college she wants to attend will pretty much automatically award her a full scholarship or near full scholarship on ACT scores alone--but she still has to fill in the application. And they will want to know all the things...  How do I or should I do something to motivate this kid?

 

I fear I sound really obnoxious. I'm genuinely worried that I have shortchanged her or that she is shortchanging herself. I'm probably over reacting. (((sigh)))

Edited March 11, 2018 by stephensgirls

[katilac]

It's spring semester of her junior year. Adding xcs now isn't going to do much. 

 

If she's going to get a great scholarship at a school she wants to attend, why does it matter? 

[popmom]

It may not matter, but my other dds applied for scholarships apart from the university. I guess if nothing else, we will just forgo any outside opportunities. 

 

And I guess it also matters if she wants to go through sorority recruitment. They want to know all the things, too. I guess I should just tell her if she wants that, she needs to do ((something)). Sorority recruitment doesn't ask for anything until the summer after graduation, so we would have time. I'm processing this as I type and thinking...I just need to make sure she understands the potential consequences of not being "involved".

[LucyStoner]

It may not matter, but my other dds applied for scholarships apart from the university. I guess if nothing else, we will just forgo any outside opportunities. 

 

And I guess it also matters if she wants to go through sorority recruitment. They want to know all the things, too. I guess I should just tell her if she wants that, she needs to do ((something)). Sorority recruitment doesn't ask for anything until the summer after graduation, so we would have time. I'm processing this as I type and thinking...I just need to make sure she understands the potential consequences of not being "involved".

 

If she's not a joiner, why would she want to join a sorority?  

 

I think a lot of scholarship applications look at academic merit and personal statements/personal ambitions.  I wouldn't assume that no extracurriculars mean no available scholarships.  

 

ETA:  I think it is more of an issue in competitive admissions processes where all the applicants are in the 32+ range on the ACT.  It doesn't sound like she's planning to apply at such a school.  

Edited March 11, 2018 by LucyStoner

[popmom]

True. She just wants to go to a state university. 

 

I feel like I should change the title of this thread. I sound obnoxious. I've just been stressing about her lack of motivation to do anything. I totally accept that she's not like her sisters, but she has expressed interest in joining a sorority. But Lucy/Katie, you are right. She's really not a good fit for sorority life. You all are calming me down a bit. I just need to let her be who she is. I live in a community where there is a lot of pressure to do it all. I'm caving to peer pressure. :/ And I'm homeschooling to avoid most of that! Ugh. Why do I stress myself out like this? I just don't want her to shortchange herself.

 

ETA: I think I'm worried about the application process. Even though I know that test scores will be enough--she still has to answer all those questions. She'll have to submit a resume. I think that's what is stressing me. At least she's working part time. That's something. 

Edited March 11, 2018 by stephensgirls

[eternalsummer]

She can answer the questions, but if admission is guaranteed (and merit money is guaranteed) via test scores and GPA, what is the worry really?

[LucyStoner]

True. She just wants to go to a state university. 

 

I feel like I should change the title of this thread. I sound obnoxious. I've just been stressing about her lack of motivation to do anything. I totally accept that she's not like her sisters, but she has expressed interest in joining a sorority. But Lucy/Katie, you are right. She's really not a good fit for sorority life. You all are calming me down a bit. I just need to let her be who she is. I live in a community where there is a lot of pressure to do it all. I'm caving to peer pressure. :/ And I'm homeschooling to avoid most of that! Ugh. Why do I stress myself out like this? I just don't want her to shortchange herself.

 

ETA: I think I'm worried about the application process. Even though I know that test scores will be enough--she still has to answer all those questions. She'll have to submit a resume. I think that's what is stressing me. At least she's working part time. That's something. 

 

If she's interested in a sorority, there may be a good one for her.  But definitely, there are many paths to and through college that don't require doing it all.  

[popmom]

She can answer the questions, but if admission is guaranteed (and merit money is guaranteed) via test scores and GPA, what is the worry really?

 

Well, it’s not the questions. I’ll be more specific—it’s the parts of the apps that ask you to list your extracurricular activities and any leadership stuff. She’ll do fine with any essay type questions.

 

But the message you all are giving me is, “what’s the worry?â€, so I’m going to take that to heart and try not to worry.

 

ETA: The automatic scholarships are NOT an absolute guarantee. The college makes it clear that you must go through the app process, and they make it seem that it's NOT automatic. But I've never heard of anyone being denied the scholarship that had the qualifying test scores--if that makes any sense. But the college has an out if they want to deny someone. My nagging worries stem from her being home schooled AND not having much in the way of leadership/service/activities.

 

Surely having a part time job is enough???

 

 

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Edited March 11, 2018 by stephensgirls

[popmom]

nevermind :)


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Edited March 11, 2018 by stephensgirls

[popmom]

Here’s the thing. I’m thinking now why did I even post this?

 

I feel guilty. My first born twins—I stressed over. I had to get it right for them. They were the first to go through the college app process. They are also extroverted squeaky wheels. And my 4th child—the baby—has Asperger’s. They all 3 demanded most of my time and energy. And all the while this quiet introverted middle child stayed under the radar. And I feel like I failed her. It’s ridiculous for me to come here and expect that y’all can make this okay. This is really on me. I’m just feeling the weight of it. Wishing I could go back a couple of years and dote on this middle child a little more. She’s precious. I’ve not done right by her. Instead of saving for college, I should be saving for her future therapy.

 

 

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[Liz CA]

I am hearing  / reading more concern that you think she did not get as much attention as the other three due to personality and needs.

We all want to rewind the tape sometimes and get a redo on certain things.

She will be fine one way or another. And you can stop beating yourself up that you did not motivate her into an extracurricular activity earlier. Not everyone is a good fit for this path.

You have obviously not neglected her even if it feels like it from your end.

I wonder what she would say if you asked her? She may have a completely different view "from her window." 

[Mabelen]

She did ballet until two year ago, so she did have something. Now she has a part time job. That is something. I understand your concerns though. Is there anything that you can suggest that she may become interested in? Not so much for college admissions, but for her personal enrichment and enjoyment? Something that she might enjoy and take pride in? What is available in your area? I would look around and strongly recommend her to try something new.

[LucyStoner]

Here’s the thing. I’m thinking now why did I even post this?

 

I feel guilty. My first born twins—I stressed over. I had to get it right for them. They were the first to go through the college app process. They are also extroverted squeaky wheels. And my 4th child—the baby—has Asperger’s. They all 3 demanded most of my time and energy. And all the while this quiet introverted middle child stayed under the radar. And I feel like I failed her. It’s ridiculous for me to come here and expect that y’all can make this okay. This is really on me. I’m just feeling the weight of it. Wishing I could go back a couple of years and dote on this middle child a little more. She’s precious. I’ve not done right by her. Instead of saving for college, I should be saving for her future therapy.

 

 

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Don't compare her to your twins.  She might just be introverted and that's ok.  As a fairly extroverted person with a fairly introverted husband and very introverted children, I had to learn to not think that extroverted things = better things.  At times, I think my kids' introversion has rubbed off on me or perhaps caused me to unmask a little but still the takeaway is that being introverted is just as good as being extroverted.  

 

I was the non-squeaky wheel child wedged between an at-risk addict older brother and a special needs younger brother so I get the whole low key middle child thing.  In the end, though, my parents did what they could and I don't fault my brothers for not having the things I had that allowed me to get by without a lot of hands-on attention.  

 

I doubt you have failed her.  She's holding down a job that she seems to like, she's got a good path to college and parents who clearly care about her (and have even saved for her college!)

 

It will be ok.  

[displace]

School + job = enough, in my mind. I wouldn’t have worked in high school, plus extracurriculars. It would’ve been too much. I agree with PP that her doing something for herself might be beneficial. Or finding work/volunteer related to a future career. Unless she’s already doing that. I’m which case, awesome. Maybe there’s a personal hobby she’d like to pick up. More may be more, but not always better for each individual. (Hugs)

Edited March 11, 2018 by displace

[Pawz4me]

FWIW, DH was a quiet, introverted middle child between two squeaky wheels. He was the high performer and they were the trouble mischief makers. Over the years his mom has several times expressed regret that the older and younger kept her so busy, and so often tied up in mental/emotional knots, that she didn't give DH the time she should have. He doesn't remember it that way. He turned out fine. They all did.  :grouphug:

[teachermom2834]

At MOST state universities it is just an ACT/GPA cutoff for the automatic merit aid. (Not public Ivies, for example) My current senior had no activities after sophomore year besides work and his activities before that were nothing fantastic. As a younger teen he was "too cool" for most activities and once he started to get paid to work he wasn't interested in joining high school stuff. He did have some regret when it came application time but we found schools that weren't going to care (he applied to 4 in state public, 1 OOS public, and 1 OOS private). He will go for approximately the same cost as his older brother that had an awesome ec resume. Kids are different and I wouldn't force a kid into ec for scholarship purposes. My ds has matured and is anxious to be involved in college and I remind him all the time how cool it is that he gets to start over and soon no one will care about high school.

 

He is going to attend a huge public U out of state. It's a good school and not easy to get into (less than 50%admission rate) and high 20s average ACT. The admissions guy said straight out at the info session it is ACT/GPA. He said they could submit LOR or essays but no one would read them. They look at the grades in core classes and GPA. A couple parents asked about the other factors (strength of high school, ec, electives, etc) and he straight out said they didn't look at any of that.

[JFSinIL]

 

It's spring semester of her junior year. Adding xcs now isn't going to do much. 

 

If she's going to get a great scholarship at a school she wants to attend, why does it matter? 

 

 

First she has to be accepted - lack of any extra curriculars may hurt her chances of being accepted over others with equally high scores who do have volunteer work or clubs etc to report.

 

Oh, now I see she wants to attend a State U. Well, then, acceptance is probably assured, right? She can report she did ballet until deciding to concentrate on her studies, since she wants to study XYZ and become ABC, etc. And she took time to work p/t in order to start saving up for college - smart girl!

Edited March 11, 2018 by JFSinIL

[ktgrok]

 Over the years his mom has several times expressed regret that the older and younger kept her so busy, and so often tied up in mental/emotional knots, that she didn't give DH the time she should have. He doesn't remember it that way. He turned out fine. They all did.  :grouphug:

 

 

My mom has said the same to me, that she was so busy with my sister she didn't "do" as much with me. Um, I liked it that way! I didn't want more attention, lol!

 

Seriously, she's fine. 

SaveSave

[SparklyUnicorn]

working IS an extracurricular activity

 

 

[maize]

Does she enjoy and take pride in some of her academics? Some passions ARE academic.

[Dmmetler]

I’d look at what else she’s doing. Except for cheer team, all my DD’s extracurriculars tie into her interests, so she goes to Herpetology conferences, leads a local group of kids that learn about animals and ecology and fundraise for a specific organization, teaches an online class, and has recently started going to education workshops and conferences to learn how to do a better job on outreach. Sometimes it’s hard to draw the line between academics and extracurricular.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Not that anyone asked what I think about this, but I find this to be pretty unfair (expecting to see all kinds of extras).  All kinds of extras generally = parents have money to pay for all kinds of extras.  Including volunteer work because that often requires transportation and the luxury to spend time doing something for free.

 

But seriously, do not underestimate a job as an extra curricular.  Or a hobby.  Even if that hobby is more academic in nature.  At the end of the day, I bet the scores are going to count the most.  Extras might help someone with weaker scores.

 

 

[sassenach]

IME, most scholarships are academic merit and based on straight up GPA and test scores. Extracurriculars seem to only made a difference if you are applying to a highly competitive school or going for a scholarship in a specific area (then they have to be extraordinary- not just volunteer, but actually found the organization, etc).

 

I would not freak out about this.

[catz]

A job is a perfectly legitimate extracurricular.  I don't even think highly competitive schools are looking for a laundry list of random activities. They like to see some passion and some drive.  Does she do outside reading or studying on her own?   I would not sweat this at all.  She sounds totally fine.  

[kokotg]

I have a low maintenance middle child who slips under the radar easily as well, so I understand. I do think a job plus ballet earlier on isn't nothing. I'd look at what she spends her free time doing and see if there's actually something there that IS an extra-curricular, just not in a traditional sense of the word. And also at what she's most interested in academically that she could expand on this summer or next year (and going forward into college) outside of a class setting. Not only for scholarship applications but because she'd enjoy it and find it fulfilling. If she joins a debate team or starts piano lessons out of nowhere late junior year then that's absolutely going to look like she's just doing it for applications, but if she goes farther with something she's discovered an interest in because of a class she took or whatever, then I think that "looks" authentic and also is genuinely a great way to start exploring and figuring out what she might want to pursue in college. 

 

As an example, my oldest took art history in 10th grade and really enjoyed it. He especially liked the architecture parts (and the northern renaissance, but I'm reasonably sure he doesn't have a future as a renaissance painter). He's also strong in math and has always been interested in design in general, so I'm encouraging him to dig into architecture more deeply. He just went on a field trip to a local architecture firm organized by a museum. We're visiting Fallingwater this summer. Harvard has an open courseware class on architecture that he's planning to do as an elective next year. I have NO IDEA if he'll really end up majoring in architecture, but I do think it fits in well with his strengths and interests and, if nothing else, he'll enjoy learning more about it. 

 

 

[Acadie]

I'm hearing that you've dug into the initial concern--is this enough to put on applications--to the deeper question for you: did I do enough to support and encourage this child in developing her interests? 

 

I also know what it's like to have so much going on with the health or development of other siblings that the easier kid just has to take a backseat. And for me it's not only who got what activities or therapy or whatever, but also who got my maternal attention and responsiveness. The great thing is she's a junior, so you still have her at home for a year and a half. What would you like to do with her in that time? Spend some time hiking? Sign up for a mother/daughter ceramics or yoga or photography class? Ask if she'd like to make a photo album together or if she'd be interested in another kind of dance class, or a choir? 

 

I think it's cool that your pursuit of what may have seemed like a nagging superficial question helped you discover the heart question, especially because you still really do have time to explore what you'd like to do with your daughter, or what you could support in her, in this time you have together.

 

It doesn't need to be a lot, and it may not be anything that will ever show up on an application. But something seems to be beckoning you.

 

Amy

Edited March 11, 2018 by Acadie

[regentrude]

I kept reading and rereading the title repeatedly as "my intelligent DD has no interest in extraterrestrials..." and i wondered why that would be a problem

 

But as far as extracurriculars go:

1. As others have already pointed out, work is an extracurricular activity.

 

2. What else is she doing in her spare time? Whatever that is is extracurricular. It does not have to be organized or in a club. Reading, drawing, knitting, writing stories, walking in nature - all of these things can be "extracurricular". 

 

 

[katilac]

A part-time job is a great extracurricular. She's going to be fine! If you are truly worried about the scholarships not being automatic, give the college a call or send them an email.  

 

As far as feeling guilty about this dd getting lost in the shuffle sometimes, have you talked to her about it? If not, why don't you tell her exactly what you're telling us? 

 

"I've been feeling guilty lately because it seems like you sometimes got lost in the shuffle. If it ever seemed like I paid less attention to you than your sisters, please know that I am so sorry, and that it was never because I didn't care about you just as much." And then maybe make some special plans with just her, deliberately carve out some time just for her. 

 

Your dd may have a completely different viewpoint, and she may not have even noticed or cared that she got less attention. If so, the apology will do no harm, and she will probably be happy to get to do something special with mom. But if she does have any hurt feelings or resentment, the acknowledgment that her feelings are legitimate, along with an apology, will probably go a long way toward easing that. 

 

 

[popmom]

You all are very gracious. I appreciate all the replies. Y'all have some great suggestions. My husband and I were talking about this last night at dinner before I even started this thread. I just didn't realize the mom guilt and anxiety were so connected--and feeding each other. I do have some plans for us. My husband suggested that I should take her out to dinner occasionally--just me and her. 

 

She is interested in helping me grow vegetables this year. We've already got our seedlings growing. That's something I'm looking forward to doing with her.

 

And I TOTALLY forgot, she draws and paints! I tend to not give that the importance it deserves. 

 

I appreciate all of you! I'm feeling much better. Thanks for helping me process all this.

Edited March 11, 2018 by stephensgirls

[Terabith]

Here’s the thing. I’m thinking now why did I even post this?

 

I feel guilty. My first born twins—I stressed over. I had to get it right for them. They were the first to go through the college app process. They are also extroverted squeaky wheels. And my 4th child—the baby—has Asperger’s. They all 3 demanded most of my time and energy. And all the while this quiet introverted middle child stayed under the radar. And I feel like I failed her. It’s ridiculous for me to come here and expect that y’all can make this okay. This is really on me. I’m just feeling the weight of it. Wishing I could go back a couple of years and dote on this middle child a little more. She’s precious. I’ve not done right by her. Instead of saving for college, I should be saving for her future therapy.

 

 

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I understand this feeling.  I think it's pretty common, honestly.  And I only have two kids.  We've joked for years that we need a therapy fund more than a college fund.

[NorthwestMom]

I LOVE that you got an entire thread of supportive replies - and I agree with everyone else.

 

I have one in college and 2 teens. I am NOT A FAN of current cultural expectations that all teens should have a long list of extracurriculars and leadership positions. Hobbies and small jobs are important! Down time is VERY important! And I feel this really sticks it to the introverts.  My son is in an honors program at a state school and he had a list of extracurriculars similar to your DD's, FWIW. It worked out fine. He got a merit award he didn't even know to apply for - they just awarded it to him. 

[teachermom2834]

I just want to note that I think the jobs my ds has had and what he has learned have been more valuable for him personally than the ec activities he had dabbled in. In addition to the job skills and social skills he has developed he has had a significant amount of money he has learned to manage and he has taken care of many of his expenses than dh and I otherwise would have covered. He has had to deal with work conflicts, performance reviews, etc all without any parental involvement. When he had a scholarship interview I told him not to apologize for lack of a traditional experience. It is his story and he was able to tell it in a way that made him look like a hard working independent young man. Not every kid is going to find a passion that he can learn these things through. My other kids have had ecs and we support those but he is no less for having started working at a young age.

 

All that just to say I am in the camp of rejecting the laundry list of ecs kids are pressured to have. It's not right for every kid and luckily most schools don't place that he go if a value on it.

Edited March 11, 2018 by teachermom2834

[katilac]

 

And I TOTALLY forgot, she draws and paints! I tend to not give that the importance it deserves. 

 

 

Yes! It does not have to be an organized activity to be important. Both of my kids listed several personal interests that were not related to a club or organization. The wording on applications is often something like Activities and Interests, but you can list it even if it says extracurriculars. 

[kroe1]

So what is she doing with all of her free time?

 

Bottom line, however, you are the momma. If you want her to do an extra curricular, and you have the money, then tell her to do it.

 

I always made mine participate in one sport and play one instrument. That was not negotiable. But, I started that from about age 6 or 7. I am not sure one could demand such a thing beginning with a late teenager. I wish I had added in performing arts and art. I never knew how important those are until the last kiddo.

[popmom]

So what is she doing with all of her free time?

 

 

 

Lately, playing the latest Legend of Zelda game for the Switch. ;) We let her purchase the system a couple of weeks ago with the money she has saved from working. She hardly ever spends any money, and she never asks us for anything. She still has lots of money saved up. 

 

She works on her drawings nearly everyday.

 

She watches the X-files, too. ;) Probably won't be putting that on any applications.

 

I'm going to suggest she join the theater group at our cover school. Whatever she does, it has to be pretty low cost. We're tapped out between the youngest's therapies and college expenses. 

Edited March 11, 2018 by stephensgirls

[BlsdMama]

I've got two in college and two at home. My junior scored a 31 on the ACT and wants to try for a 33. I have no doubts that she can do it.

 

But that's all she's got. She doesn't volunteer. She doesn't play sports. No Beta Club or 4H. She quit ballet a couple of years ago. She works part time in child care at our church. I didn't have this problem with my older dds. What would you do? Force her? idk

 

The college she wants to attend will pretty much automatically award her a full scholarship or near full scholarship on ACT scores alone--but she still has to fill in the application. And they will want to know all the things...  How do I or should I do something to motivate this kid?

 

I fear I sound really obnoxious. I'm genuinely worried that I have shortchanged her or that she is shortchanging herself. I'm probably over reacting. (((sigh)))

 

I would require volunteer hours.  She can pick, but must do it.

 

And, yeah, she's a junior - but she does have all summer.

 

That said, I respect when a kiddo isn't an extracurricular kid, however, I really believe there are valuable skills that must be learned before going to college.  Juggling is one of those things.  Volunteering, extracurriculars, work - these things require a kid to plan their time and balance with school.  These things show them that getting out of the place they are in and doing something can help their perspectives.  They meet people.  They interact with people and personalities that grow and stretch them.  I think that if we can offer and/or require these appropriate activities then we better equip them for success in college, regardless of how they dress up an app -but it is a perk! ;)

Edited March 11, 2018 by BlsdMama

[frugalmamatx]

True. She just wants to go to a state university. 

 

I feel like I should change the title of this thread. I sound obnoxious. I've just been stressing about her lack of motivation to do anything. I totally accept that she's not like her sisters, but she has expressed interest in joining a sorority. But Lucy/Katie, you are right. She's really not a good fit for sorority life. You all are calming me down a bit. I just need to let her be who she is. I live in a community where there is a lot of pressure to do it all. I'm caving to peer pressure. :/ And I'm homeschooling to avoid most of that! Ugh. Why do I stress myself out like this? I just don't want her to shortchange herself.

 

ETA: I think I'm worried about the application process. Even though I know that test scores will be enough--she still has to answer all those questions. She'll have to submit a resume. I think that's what is stressing me. At least she's working part time. That's something. 

 

 

If she's interested in a sorority, there may be a good one for her.  But definitely, there are many paths to and through college that don't require doing it all.  

 

 

If she's interested in Greek Life, but a Sorority isn't a good fit - have her check to see if there is a chapter of Alpha Phi Omega on campus. Co-ed, service fraternity. HIGHLY recommend it {life member here}. And while yes there is a pledging process....it is nothing like most greeks. 

[SKL]

Her work experience is good.

 

Has she done any significant long-term research project?  That would be interesting to add.

 

What about significant volunteer projects?

 

When I was young, people also listed "hobbies" when they didn't have a very full resume.

 

I think the point is to show that she is a well-rounded person with active interests.  They don't have to be the most popular interests.