How should I word this to my DIL?

[J-rap]

My daughter-in-law is very sweet, and we have a great relationship.  We do a lot of things together, and have shared things that normally only very close friends share.  So there's that.

 

But, I still want to be careful how I handle this.

 

For Christmas this year, I just asked all of my young adult children what they wanted.  My DIL suggested something which is more than I usually spend, so I suggested that we go 50/50 on it, which she thought was a great idea and I know she has every intention to pay it.

 

Except that she doesn't.  I purchased this thing over a month ago, and when she sees me in person, she always remembers and brings it up and tells me she'll be sure and bring a check next time we see each other, but then she never remembers.

 

Normally, this isn't a big deal.  Money isn't a huge issue and I'm not one to keep tabs.  But, this is a problem of hers, and it's a problem she is trying to overcome.  She can be extremely absent-minded, to the point where it can be a real detriment!  I think she probably has some ADHD issues.  So, I don't want to just say oh well.  I feel I should help her with this and not enable, her and be firm with our original plan.

 

I just don't know how to word it...  I'll be emailing her.

Edited January 2, 2018 by J-rap

[Catwoman]

I wouldn't do it via email. I would speak with her directly. It's too easy for people to misinterpret emails and perhaps get offended when no offense was intended.

[regentrude]

Can you have a talk with your DS and have him talk to her?

[Catwoman]

Double post -- sorry!!!

Edited January 2, 2018 by Catwoman

[rutamattatt]

Maybe say you will stop by her house while you are out to pick up a check.  That way she will be home where she has the checkbook?

 

These kind of things are tricky.  

 

(Which reminds me...I owe a friend money for a theater ticket!).  :huh:

[J-rap]

I wouldn't do it via email. I would speak with her directly. It's too easy for people to misinterpret emails and perhaps get offended when no offense was intended.

 

I thought about that, but I don't see her in person a lot (we just happened to see each other often over the holidays -- we otherwise live 2 hours apart), and a phone call might put her on the spot more than an email.  

Edited January 2, 2018 by J-rap

[J-rap]

Can you have a talk with your DS and have him talk to her?

 

No, I'd like to handle this myself and not put him in the middle.

[Catwoman]

I thought about that, but I don't see her in person a lot (we just happened to often over the holidays -- we otherwise live 2 hours apart), and a phone call might put her on the spot more than an email.  

 

If that's the case, I like Regentrude's idea of bringing it up to your son and having him remind her to pay you.

[J-rap]

I’d just call and remind her and ask when you can expect it by, and what she thinks should happen if she doesn’t keep her word. Sometimes letting adults pick their own date and consequences works a lot better :)

 

Letting her pick a date that works out for her (based on her next pay period or whatever) is a good idea.  I still think an email is a better way though because I think a phone call would put her on the spot more.  

[purpleowl]

Next time you're going to see each other, just text shortly before she's probably leaving - "Oh hey, don't forget to bring your checkbook! :)"

 

Oh, just saw that you live a couple hours apart. Text at some point when she's likely at home: "Hey, would you mind sticking a check in the mail for the Thingamawhatzit?"

[Catwoman]

No, I'd like to handle this myself and not put him in the middle.

 

We were posting at the same time! :)

 

The only problem I can see with emailing her is that she will respond by saying she will mail you a check, and then she will forget to mail it to you, and then things will be even more awkward when you have to remind her again.

[Elizabeth86]

Well that sounds tricky. Good luck is all I've got for you.

[J-rap]

I guess I don't understand...

 

If you have a close relationship where you share things that people who are friends share, is it really that difficult to call her up and say "hey, I kind of need that $50 for DS's gift, can I meet you on Tuesday to pick it up?"

 

I have an ok relationship with my sister in law and had she and I decided to go in together on a particular gift and then I kept forgetting to pay her back, I would NOT at all be offended to have her call up and say that sort of thing to me.

 

You know, you're probably right.  She probably wouldn't be offended at all.  I can't meet her though, because we live too far apart.  So she'd have to mail it.  

[Bootsie]

Is communicating by email something that you usually do?  

 

How often do you see her?  If she brings it up when she sees you, how would it be to help her with a plan to make sure the payment occurs?  Could you say something like, "I know it is so hard to remember to carry a check these days, how would it be if I send you an email reminder this evening and you can write a check and drop it in the mail?"  Or "I can send you an email reminder so that you can remember to put a couple of blank checks in your glove compartment or purse so that you can pay me next time we get together."

[KatieJ]

PayPal.

[J-rap]

Is communicating by email something that you usually do?  

 

How often do you see her?  If she brings it up when she sees you, how would it be to help her with a plan to make sure the payment occurs?  Could you say something like, "I know it is so hard to remember to carry a check these days, how would it be if I send you an email reminder this evening and you can write a check and drop it in the mail?"  Or "I can send you an email reminder so that you can remember to put a couple of blank checks in your glove compartment or purse so that you can pay me next time we get together."

 

Thanks.  This is good, specific advice.

[J-rap]

If mail is the only option, then I suggest still calling but saying "hey, I kinda need that money to do X (reconcile the budget, buy gas this week, whatever).  Can you drop it in the mail tomorrow?"  And then, that next day, call and say "I just need to check to see if that check got in the mail, so that I know to watch for it."

 

Or whatever, something along those lines.  Maybe not the next day, but a few days later, etc. 

 

The big key though, will be to actually then call her the day you get the check to let her know you got it safely so that she can reconcile her own budget with it too. 

 

Good idea.  Thanks.

[J-rap]

PayPal.

 

Actually, that's a great idea.  That's how my ds pays me for their phone plan.  I think I"ll suggest that!

[Elizabeth86]

PayPal.

Good idea.

[athomeontheprairie]

When will you be seeing her again? If soon, or text her/can the morning of (before she'd leave her house) and say

"Hey, I do need that check today? Can you grab your check book now before you leave "

[Guinevere]

PayPal works because it's so immediate. Until that suggestion, I was going to suggest that you offer that she buy you something of a similar cost and have it shipped via Amazon. Friends and I do that sort of thing all the time. One of us forgot to repay for the x, so they pay for me when we go out to eat, or whatever.

[StephanieZ]

Personally, I'd drop it. 

 

I'd consider the money gone, and I'd remember that in the future. (I wouldn't advance her money again, ever. If I wanted/needed to advance her money . . . I'd only do it via my own child . . .I.e., "Oh, sure why don't your spouse and I go in together for this cool pricey gift you want!") Any future money I gave her I'd consider a gift and good and gone once it left my hands.

 

I don't lend/advance money to friends or family (or employees) that I can't afford to forget about. This would be disappointing to me, and it'd hurt to be "stung" by a close family member, but, I'd let it go. (And, yes, I've BTDT, with an employee, years ago . . . and I did let it go. . . After a few weeks of not being repaid and some reminders, I just took her aside and told her to forget the loan and consider it a gift . . .  and even though she hasn't worked for us in many years, I've still given her and her family money since then upon various requests . . . but as gifts, not loans.)

 

A good relationship with your DIL is priceless. Much, much more valuable than any amount of money you spend on gifts. I wouldn't risk it. Period. (Until/unless I had to in order to protect something much more important than this.)

 

This problem behavior of hers will likely cause future problems for her and your child (her spouse), and that'd worry me, but there's nothing I can think of that you can do about it, so I'd put it in that "not-my-circus-not-my-monkeys" category and try my best not to think about it further. I'd hope that my own kid was responsible enough to eventually figure out that s/he needed to be very involved in all financial affairs . . .

 

 

If she goes to repay you in the future, I'd gladly accept the repayment and be glad for the good sign in her personal financial/responsibility development (and act like I'd forgotten about the loan, but was so glad she remembered!) . . . but I'd try to still stick with my (unstated to others outside of my spouse) policies of not advancing her money that I couldn't comfortably consider a gift and "forget" about as soon as the money left my hands.

 

 

 

[J-rap]

Personally, I'd drop it. 

 

I'd consider the money gone, and I'd remember that in the future. (I wouldn't advance her money again, ever. If I wanted/needed to advance her money . . . I'd only do it via my own child . . .I.e., "Oh, sure why don't your spouse and I go in together for this cool pricey gift you want!") Any future money I gave her I'd consider a gift and good and gone once it left my hands.

 

I don't lend/advance money to friends or family (or employees) that I can't afford to forget about. This would be disappointing to me, and it'd hurt to be "stung" by a close family member, but, I'd let it go. (And, yes, I've BTDT, with an employee, years ago . . . and I did let it go. . . After a few weeks of not being repaid and some reminders, I just took her aside and told her to forget the loan and consider it a gift . . .  and even though she hasn't worked for us in many years, I've still given her and her family money since then upon various requests . . . but as gifts, not loans.)

 

A good relationship with your DIL is priceless. Much, much more valuable than any amount of money you spend on gifts. I wouldn't risk it. Period. (Until/unless I had to in order to protect something much more important than this.)

 

This problem behavior of hers will likely cause future problems for her and your child (her spouse), and that'd worry me, but there's nothing I can think of that you can do about it, so I'd put it in that "not-my-circus-not-my-monkeys" category and try my best not to think about it further. I'd hope that my own kid was responsible enough to eventually figure out that s/he needed to be very involved in all financial affairs . . .

 

 

If she goes to repay you in the future, I'd gladly accept the repayment and be glad for the good sign in her personal financial/responsibility development (and act like I'd forgotten about the loan, but was so glad she remembered!) . . . but I'd try to still stick with my (unstated to others outside of my spouse) policies of not advancing her money that I couldn't comfortably consider a gift and "forget" about as soon as the money left my hands.

Hmmm... Food for thought.  Thanks. 

[ktgrok]

I'd ask her to paypal me. As a fellow scatterbrained person, it is SO much easier than remembering a check. 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

"Would you mind just popping a check in the mail as the CC bill is coming due, or would you like me to just count this gift as both your Christmas and birthday present for this year?"

 

If she goes with option two, stick to it.  

[OneStepAtATime]

FWIW, I would set the boundaries now.  I am not a selfish person by nature but when I was young there were times I would have to borrow money or pay half with my mom and forget to cover my part.  Because Mom rarely ever pushed it I subconsciously just stopped trying.  That was an unfortunately precedent to set.  I realized my word was no longer trusted and while Mom didn't say anything she was a bit bothered by it.  Frankly, it bothered me, too.  I felt bad even though I would forget.  Then the anxiety over feeling bad made it harder somehow to actually address the issue.  I had to get over that and just take care of it.  What a relief for both of us!

 

1.  You say you are close.  Be honest.  Call her.  Call her, explain that you realize it is hard to remember to bring a check and now that the holidays are over you won't be seeing each other much.  You would like to take care of this before things stretch out too long.

2.  Be supportive of any financial challenges she may be facing and ask if doing the payments in installments would work better.  Set a specific start date for those payments and a set schedule.  Let her know you will send her reminders by email and let her know when the payment was received so she can balance her account.

3.  Do the payment or payments through Pay Pal as mentioned up thread.

 

Doing this now helps to keep you both on track and feeling good about things instead of this kind of being in the background festering (as small as it may seem right now).

[Liz CA]

If it's not about the money, I think I'd let it go because these kinds of "lessons" may be better taught by someone other than a MIL.

[Elizabeth86]

If it's not about the money, I think I'd let it go because these kinds of "lessons" may be better taught by someone other than a MIL.

Very true.

[TravelingChris]

Yes, Paypal is much easier on ADHD brains.  Like I hate doing things that need checks mailed.  I will write the check but can't find the envelope, so I forget.  I write the check and get it in an envelope with stamp but forget to put it in the car to mail at the post office.  Forget to go to a post office or mailbox.  Etc, etc.   

[J-rap]

"Would you mind just popping a check in the mail as the CC bill is coming due, or would you like me to just count this gift as both your Christmas and birthday present for this year?"

 

If she goes with option two, stick to it.  

 

Actually, that's a great idea too.  I can offer the second half as her birthday present  (still 6 months away, but that would work!)

[J-rap]

FWIW, I would set the boundaries now.  I am not a selfish person by nature but when I was young there were times I would have to borrow money or pay half with my mom and forget to cover my part.  Because Mom rarely ever pushed it I subconsciously just stopped trying.  That was an unfortunately precedent to set.  I realized my word was no longer trusted and while Mom didn't say anything she was a bit bothered by it.  Frankly, it bothered me, too.  I felt bad even though I would forget.  Then the anxiety over feeling bad made it harder somehow to actually address the issue.  I had to get over that and just take care of it.  What a relief for both of us!

 

1.  You say you are close.  Be honest.  Call her.  Call her, explain that you realize it is hard to remember to bring a check and now that the holidays are over you won't be seeing each other much.  You would like to take care of this before things stretch out too long.

2.  Be supportive of any financial challenges she may be facing and ask if doing the payments in installments would work better.  Set a specific start date for those payments and a set schedule.  Let her know you will send her reminders by email and let her know when the payment was received so she can balance her account.

3.  Do the payment or payments through Pay Pal as mentioned up thread.

 

Doing this now helps to keep you both on track and feeling good about things instead of this kind of being in the background festering (as small as it may seem right now).

 

This is very good advice.  Thank you.

[sassenach]

In the future, send the money her way rather than her reimbursing. It’s just a generally less awkward way of contributing to a group purchase (1 step vs 2 steps).

[Peaceseeker]

If she is young I would go with a text message over email and I agree PayPal is simpler. Generation instant, lol... I would just say something like , "I know the holidays have been crazy but if you get a chance could you throw a check in the mail for the gift we went in on? If PayPal is easier for you guys here is a link"

 

For the future I would simply be the one to hand her a check next time she wants to go in on a gift. She can order it and you can save yourself this frustration.

Edited January 2, 2018 by CaliforniaDreaming

[J-rap]

Don't waste any more of your time; you just learned a lesson.  

 

If she wanted to pay you, she would have paid at the time of purchase or at the time of receiving the gift.

Or she would have returned the item, and given you your money back last week.

 

Consider it an inexpensive lesson of what the future will bring.

 

To be fair to her, I'm certain she wants to pay me.  She just never ever remembers.  I'm sure it's her ADHD brain.  But definitely lesson learned!  I've gotten great advice about how to deal with things like this in the future.

[ktgrok]

Yes, Paypal is much easier on ADHD brains.  Like I hate doing things that need checks mailed.  I will write the check but can't find the envelope, so I forget.  I write the check and get it in an envelope with stamp but forget to put it in the car to mail at the post office.  Forget to go to a post office or mailbox.  Etc, etc.   

 

Exactly! With paypal I can do it while I have the email open asking for payment, right then. You can even send her an invoice if she would like, which will make it even easier for her. 

[catz]

I would just call her and say,  "Hey - I'm balancing out my holiday budget and I don't want to forget about that gift arrangement we had.  Would it be helpful if I mailed you a self addressed stamped envelope or maybe you'd like to paypal me? "  I wouldn't do it in the spirit of helping her with her ADHD tendencies.  I actually don't think it's that unusual for a young adult actually to be a little absent minded when a bill isn't staring them down (and sometimes when it is).   I would make one phone call about it and if that doesn't work, I would avoid setting up for stuff like this in the future and just give them cash as a gift. 

Edited January 2, 2018 by WoolySocks

[Tanaqui]

I'd also drop it, and just make a mental note for the future that YOU give HER the cash and then SHE buys the item - or, alternatively, no buying is done until you have cash in hand.

 

Unless you really need that cash to make an urgent bill, it is more important to keep on good terms with your daughter-in-law. Why risk upsetting things?

 

But if you're going to ask anyway, I suggest calling her, saying you need the money now, and asking for her to paypal you right away. Like, before she hangs up the phone right away. Do it when you know she's just been paid so you know she has the cash.

 

[maize]

I'd drop it.

 

If she has ADHD there is nothing--really nothing--you can do that will "help her". It's a life long challenge, she can't just decide to stop having it and start acting like a person who doesn't.

 

She is an adult and like all adults needs to figure her way forward through her own difficulties. If she wants help with ADHD she can read books, meet with a therapist, talk to her doctor. If she wants support in dealing with it she can talk to her husband or a friend.

 

I can think of no circumstance under which a mother in law jumping in to try to help her fix her ADHD would result in anything good.

[maize]

Actually, that's a great idea too. I can offer the second half as her birthday present (still 6 months away, but that would work!)

This is a great option.

 

Just keep being loving and supportive. My MIL did that and I will love her forever for it.

[LMD]

If it's not about the money, I think I'd let it go because these kinds of "lessons" may be better taught by someone other than a MIL.

Wow, QFT!

 

As a scatter brained daughter in law - leave it. She knows about it, let her work it out. Love her anyway. Bringing it up in writing would be embarrassing and younger-me would feel pressure and unconscious resentment.

 

If she brings it up again, then I would say something like - 'Dil, you know that you're more important to me than any money could be. If you really want to work on this, I'm happy to help you, but I will never let money come between us. What will be most helpful for you?'

She might suggest something like texting her your PayPal details the morning she gets paid.

[J-rap]

I'd drop it.

 

If she has ADHD there is nothing--really nothing--you can do that will "help her". It's a life long challenge, she can't just decide to stop having it and start acting like a person who doesn't.

 

She is an adult and like all adults needs to figure her way forward through her own difficulties. If she wants help with ADHD she can read books, meet with a therapist, talk to her doctor. If she wants support in dealing with it she can talk to her husband or a friend.

 

I can think of no circumstance under which a mother in law jumping in to try to help her fix her ADHD would result in anything good.

 

Yes, and normally I would agree with this 100%.  We have a very unusual relationship though.  We've helped each other out with a lot of very personal things.  She's a real sweetheart, and a good friend.  And it wouldn't really be to help her overcome her ADHD.  It would simply be to, in this instance, remind her to do something that I know she would want to do, despite her ADHD.

[J-rap]

Wow, QFT!

 

As a scatter brained daughter in law - leave it. She knows about it, let her work it out. Love her anyway. Bringing it up in writing would be embarrassing and younger-me would feel pressure and unconscious resentment.

 

If she brings it up again, then I would say something like - 'Dil, you know that you're more important to me than any money could be. If you really want to work on this, I'm happy to help you, but I will never let money come between us. What will be most helpful for you?'

She might suggest something like texting her your PayPal details the morning she gets paid.

 

Ha, what does QFT mean?  Nice to hear this from another scatter-brained DIL!  Thanks.  :)  

[LMD]

Ha, what does QFT mean? Nice to hear this from another scatter-brained DIL! Thanks. :)

Quoted for truth!

 

It's a bit of a running joke in my in-law's family about my forgetfulness. One memorable Christmas I forgot the one item that I was asked to bring...

 

My mother in law is mostly lovely and we have a good relationship.

Eta - my inlaws are all super organised and motivated European stereotypes lol. I'm really not in their league in that sense!

Edited January 2, 2018 by LMD

[hornblower]

qft = quoted for truth 

 

 

I'd email her & say," hey, I just thought of this. Is it easier for you to interac me the money? If so my bank email is this ______.  

toodles, love!" 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

QFT= quoted for truth

 

I kinda gritted my teeth reading your posts, TBH.  I have a spouse and kids with ADD.  It isn't something that you overcome; it's not something you can fix for someone else.  One hopes that the people in your life learn to develop better coping skills---some do, many don't.  If this was the very first time the issue had come up between you, I'd say you could text and ask her to PayPal, but this isn't round1, iykwim.

 

I'm with LMD on this.  Leave it alone.  Either she will pay you back, or she won't.....and in the future don't go into this kind of setup with her again. Chalk it up to an expensive lesson.

[QueenCat]

She's a real sweetheart, and a good friend.  And it wouldn't really be to help her overcome her ADHD.  It would simply be to, in this instance, remind her to do something that I know she would want to do, despite her ADHD.

 

Even so, you've reminded her plenty. I'd probably leave it be unless she brings it up. Or it is an actual financial issue for you.

[J-rap]

Even so, you've reminded her plenty. I'd probably leave it be unless she brings it up. Or it is an actual financial issue for you.

 

No, it's not a financial issue.  But also, I've never reminded her at all, not even once.  She has brought it up herself on several occasions.

[QueenCat]

No, it's not a financial issue.  But also, I've never reminded her at all, not even once.  She has brought it up herself on several occasions.

 

Oh, I misunderstood. Then I'd definitely remind her. By whatever means you normally communicate.

[frogger]

No, it's not a financial issue. But also, I've never reminded her at all, not even once. She has brought it up herself on several occasions.

I am scatter brained. It has gotten worse with age mainly because the load is heavier with 6 peoples schedules/paperwork/needs but I have learned some coping things.

 

I don't try to just drop off thank you notes with the grandchildren for example. My kids go to Grandmas house and yes it would save on mailing 8 different envelopes (notes from four children to both parents and uncles) but I will never remember to add them to kids stuff that needs packed etc. So I learned, we write them and mail them the same day. It took a decade to figure that out!

 

So I think if she is like me and has brought it up and really wants to pay you then she propably won't be offended with, "You can just use paypal now so you don't have to worry about mailing it".

[zimom]

I want to second what StephanieZ said too.  I am pretty scattered a good bit of the time too.  If the money really isn't that big of a deal, please let this go.  Totally in all ways.  My good friends know that money isn't a big deal to me in many ways and I have 'good intentions  but a terrible memory', so I have asked them to PLEASE PLEASE ask me if I ever owe them anything and they think I have forgotten because I would never want money or something else to come between us.  

 

A good relationship with your DIL and your kids is just worth so much more.  If she is like me, she really can't help it so the biggest gift you can give her is grace.