Is asthma and being fat really a reason not to marry someone?

[Laura Corin]

I have sound issues. It would stink if dh didn't want to marry me because I have sound issues.

But he has an INSANE sneeze. Like, I REALLY HATE his sneeze. It hurts my ears and sets my adrenaline shooting through my body. I have a hard time imagining that I could survive this marriage if it was an all day, every day thing, because it isn't something I can tune out.

Husband uses medication to reduce his catastrophic sneezes, which hurt his back. I don't know if it would be worth your while to look into that.

[ktgrok]

Unfortunately she has tried everything and can't find a medication that can control it.

 

Has she been checked for reflux? It can cause or aggravate asthma type symptoms, especially coughing. And can be associated with weight issues. (although I still have reflux even after losing weight..sometimes I wish I'd had the gastric bypass instead of sleeve gastrectomy as it would have gotten rid of my reflux). 

[heartlikealion]

My dh is 100 lbs or so overweight and it does affect things. He was overweight when we met and I overlooked it, but he's gained more since then. I'm still attracted to him, but there was a time when I really struggled with the weight.

 

Ds has asthma and it does affect things. I always pack his nebulizer when we leave town, except recently the ped. gave us a prescription for an inhaler. I worry more about him when we go certain places (around smokers). The coughing doesn't happen a lot, though. I don't know if that is strictly her asthma causing the cough?? I guess it depends on her environment. His is paired with allergies.

 

I don't know if I'd call it shallow or not. You want people to be able to do things with you. If their weight or asthma prevents you from doing things together or getting their help with something it can be a damper. Dh complains about aches and pains which I think are definitely partly weight-related. He's tall and overweight and has issues with discs in his back and can't really bend over well and was told not to lift anything heavier than X pounds which means he's not even supposed to lift dd! He still does, but he shouldn't. I am having to do almost all the diaper changes because we don't use a changing table anymore and it's hard for him to help her. He goes on weight loss/exercise kicks but sometimes yo-yos.

 

If I was seeking a relationship with someone I would be less concerned about the actual weight and more concerned about what are they doing about it/how do they feel about it? Are they wanting to change? Are they trying to eat better and/or exercise? Or are they content as they are? No concerns about it/no desire to change/no motivation to change = shorter time on earth and other obstacles. That is a bleak way to look at it, but yes that would cross my mind. Same goes for questions around asthma. Like are they a person with asthma that refuses to quit smoking? Is it going to progress to COPD or sleep apnea? Will they require a sleep mask at night? (I don't know how to sleep next to that and I know that's a shallow thing to bring up! When we visit family someone uses one and it's so noisy).

[Guinevere]

I'm currently 50 pounds overweight, and fairly unhappy about it.  It is due to some ongoing health issues, and as those resolve, so is the weight thing.  I am very impatient, however.

 

When I see someone who is on either end of the fitness spectrum, I tend to think negative things about them.  I know that isn't fair, but it is a flag to me.  Someone who is super into fitness, super in shape, and obviously spends a lot of time in the gym comes across as self-centered, possible insecure, and vain, to me.  I wonder what else they do with their life?  An overweight person comes across as undisciplined and unfocused, and makes me wonder if they can take care of a relationship, if they can't even take care of themselves.   Are they interesting?  Are they determined?  

 

Obviously, those thoughts are probably often off the mark.  I am willing to get to know anyone, and my feelings could change.  Overweight, or gym rat, aren't deal breakers for me, but they are things to overcome, and I would probably shy away at first.  

 

A strong personality overcomes both for me, pretty quickly, though.

[Lanny]

Possibly she can join ehamony or another website and meet someone. She needs to make a list of her interests and positive qualities and begin with that

 

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[Lanny]

eHarmony. I am on my phone and more typos. Sorry

 

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[Guest]

Well, this is an interesting question, since many of us have also been talking about our "dealbreakers" on the thread about revealing transgender to potential mates.

 

I'm not in the market for a new mate, and I'm sure my dealbreakers are not exactly the same now as they were in my early twenties; in some ways I might have tightened up and in others, maybe loosened. But I don't think it is wrong or shallow for a person to decide that this person is not going to be their mate because of _______________ (insert basically any reason). That's just being realistic.

 

I do think it would be mean to tell someone, "Well, honey, you might as well face facts: you're not going to get anyone to marry you because of ____________." I mean, one man's junk is another man's treasure and some people like things that some others consider drawbacks or even dealbreakers. I have tiny bOOks. Some guys would have just looked elsewhere on that alone. But some guys like an, uh...streamlined woman.

 

I think it's fine for any person to decide before they choose that they can't get past XYZ and therefore, they are parting ways. At least the person is being honest with themselves and the partner. Really, why would it be wrong to decide that this person is not for you because they are very obese?

 

I remember one guy I dated, I kept asking myself why I didn't have any real "spark" for him. He was objectively just fine. He was nice-looking, a sharp dresser, a fun person and a terrific kisser. But I just kept feeling very "meh" about seeing him. Once, we were at a New Year's party and someone suggested that we would be the next couple engaged. That just freaked me right out. My head was going, "OMG! No WAY! I mean, he's fine, but I'm never going to marry him!" We broke up shortly after that. So, there was my "reason." I decided against him because I just felt "meh" about him and I didn't think that was good enough.

 

I saw him later and he had lost all his hair. Baldness is also really close to a dealbreaker for me. I mean, if it happened after the commitment, well, okay, but with a few exceptions I don't think I would go forward with a bald man.

 

eTA: tag repair

Edited July 21, 2017 by Quill

[Janeway]

It would be harder to find someone, but not impossible. The coughing would be a bigger issue.

[Guest]

I have had skin problems all my life.  It caused me to think about myself in ways that were wrong.  

 

After I had been married to my dh for more than 25 years, I told him that I had worried that no one would marry me because of my skin.

He said, "I didn't marry you because of your skin."  

 

Is that not just PERFECT?

 

But even so...

 

It also delayed my childbearing, because frankly, I doubted I could have done what my mother did in having to deal with me.  All my problems were completely out of the blue, so it wasn't like she had any reason to expect to not be able to find time to get dressed for days at a time, to have to spend countless weeks at the hospital because I was so "special", to have to cook separate meals, 3x a day, for 18 years, to have to change bed linens every day, and so much more.  

 

I got better over time, but I didn't think I could have done what she did...and so my only was born when I was 38, after a CAT taught me about caring and love.  A cat.  

 

Physical appearance, characteristics, proclivities, etc. have an impact.  I now have alopecia and I feel like I can never look *really pretty*.  It constrains my social life.  My DH doesn't care.  He's amazing.  But if he did, I think I would get it.  Who signs up for a bald wife?  (And trust me, I had *stunningly* beautiful hair.   

 

ALL THAT TO SAY:  I met a man who took a chance, and he has had to take a lot of care of me, and frankly, I think he is happier when I am a little in need than when I am strong!  :0)  They are out there.  And I dated a lot of guys, too, and had 7 marriage proposals even with all my problems.  But the thing is, that you have to find the quality guys.  And I will *also* say that I did what I could to take care of myself, to present myself as well as I could.  

 

I asked my dh about it once and he said that THAT made a difference.  I couldn't help what I couldn't help....but what I *could* help, I did.  He respected that.

 

 

[Amy in NH]

Some meds cause a persistent cough.

Edited July 21, 2017 by Amy in NH

[ktgrok]

 

I saw him later and he had lost all his hair. Baldness is also really close to a dealbreaker for me. I mean, if it happened after the commitment, well, okay, but with a few exceptions I don't think I would go forward with a bald man.

 

 

Yup it's very personal. I LOVE bald men...well at least if they keep it trimmed or shave their heads. I don't love comb overs...I don't think anyone does, lol. 

 

But my husband went mostly bald before I met him, and shaves the rest. i've never seen him with any hair other than that bit of stubble between shaving. I saw some photos of him and wow....I think he's MUCH more attractive bald! Crazy but true. 

[bettyandbob]

I think confidence is a big issue. Obese people who present with a lot of confidence can be very attractive. I'd think a lot about how she feels about herself and presents herself.

 

I think it's also reasonable for people to make an assessment like

"I'm personally concerned about this person's health and I don't want to take that on."

Or

"I don't see living an active life (hiking or traveling or whatever) with a person this size."

 

I don't think it's shallow to know what you are attracted to for dating/marriage purposes.

 

Shallow is "I can't be friends with that person" , "she can't be invited to the wedding" . Shallow thought leads to discrimination on the job. The perception that someone is less than because they are significantly overweight has been proven to be a major factor in career progression.

Edited July 21, 2017 by Diana P.

[wonderchica]

I'm currently 50 pounds overweight, and fairly unhappy about it. It is due to some ongoing health issues, and as those resolve, so is the weight thing. I am very impatient, however.

 

An overweight person comes across as undisciplined and unfocused, and makes me wonder if they can take care of a relationship, if they can't even take care of themselves. Are they interesting? Are they determined?.

Do you think those things about yourself since you are overweight? Hopefully your current experience will help you be kinder to others who are also overweight.

[DawnM]

I'm currently 50 pounds overweight, and fairly unhappy about it.  It is due to some ongoing health issues, and as those resolve, so is the weight thing.  I am very impatient, however.

 

When I see someone who is on either end of the fitness spectrum, I tend to think negative things about them.  I know that isn't fair, but it is a flag to me.  Someone who is super into fitness, super in shape, and obviously spends a lot of time in the gym comes across as self-centered, possible insecure, and vain, to me.  I wonder what else they do with their life?  An overweight person comes across as undisciplined and unfocused, and makes me wonder if they can take care of a relationship, if they can't even take care of themselves.   Are they interesting?  Are they determined?  

 

Obviously, those thoughts are probably often off the mark.  I am willing to get to know anyone, and my feelings could change.  Overweight, or gym rat, aren't deal breakers for me, but they are things to overcome, and I would probably shy away at first.  

 

A strong personality overcomes both for me, pretty quickly, though.

 

I know plenty of overweight doctors, lawyers, business people, educators.  

[El...]

it my seem shallow - but, are they saying "I don't want to date you because you're fat", or "I don't want to date you because of your health problems (which will likely get worse) - which will impact a relationship"?

 

there was recently an article about a young woman in the same situation. she was about 125? lbs overweight.  they guy she really liked - flat out told her he wouldn't date her becasue she was fat.  it served as the motivation she needed.  at her 50lb loss mark- he asked her out, and she (smart girl) told him "no".  it's taken her two years, but she's lost about 100lbs.  she  changed her died, but also does weights and feels much better.  she actually looks like a different person becasue she's lost so much around her neck and face.

 

eta: I've known overweight women who were very bubbly and outgoing.  they attracted attention becasue they were fun to be with.

Has she ever read The Paper Bag Princess?  It's a tiny, wonderful book.  

[Anne in CA]

I don't think it is shallow to not want to marry someone with health issues. Very few people are born caregivers and that is what you are asking of someone. Not to mention the chunk of change a person's partner will be spending of medical care. It's huge sometimes. Asthma itself doesn't seem so bad until you look at the whole picture... we bought our restaurant from a couple who was extremely overweight and the man had asthma and couldn't work a lot of the time, so he had to close the restaurant on his bad days and so he couldn't sell it to anyone who needed to take out a loan because it didn't show enough income. He lost at least a 100k of the price of the restaurant for his asthma, not to mention all the income he lost over the nine years he had it when he couldn't be open, also, he couldn't afford regular medical care and had to go to Mexico for medical care... ect. Lost income from an illness can be a big deal. The cost of care can be a big deal. 

 

My oldest child is finally losing weight after coming to the conclusion that she wouldn't get married or have a good life with the health problems that were coming for being overweight. For years she tried to delude herself into thinking that her health problems were not due to being 100lb overweight, but lots of those health problems are going away now that she is losing the weight, and she is dating someone nice with a good income who wants to marry her. She did other work on herself in the last couple of years to make herself better also, things I didn't think she would ever do when she had reached the age of 26 and was not growing up, but at 28 she started really being responsible, and I am really proud of her. 

[DawnM]

Bottom line OP:

 

Our society is one where fat is bad.  Fat is ugly.  Fat is representative of being lazy and stupid.  Fat people are made fun of and who cares, because they are FAT.

 

Lots of fat shaming, lots of presuppositions.  Just the post that said, "I would wonder how determined that person is" speaks VOLUMES.

 

You rarely see an overweight person who is the star of a show and it is a good thing.  That is changing somewhat, and I am glad, but even those folks are looking to lose weight.

 

 

 

[SKL]

It's a mean thing to say.

 

There are plenty of heavy women with health issues who get married.

 

There are plenty of people of all shapes who don't.  :)

 

I'm no expert, but it seems to me that just relaxing, being herself, and interacting with friendly people is the best way to meet prospective spouses.  There are no guarantees, but she may well find the perfect person.  :)

[SKL]

I would rather my loved ones do what's best for their health, but I don't love them less if they don't.  And I also don't care enough about marital status to look for "reasons" someone isn't married.  :/

[Guinevere]

Do you think those things about yourself since you are overweight? Hopefully your current experience will help you be kinder to others who are also overweight.

Actually, I go out of my way to be kind, but I'm not going to argue about that here.

 

I do think that about myself, but not in the negative light it seems you assume I think about others. (And it isn't negative towards them, either.) It is time that I focus, with discipline, on restoring my health and weight.

 

It isn't negative, just a fact, imo.

[Lady Florida.]

Everyone has things that some people will not want them because of. And everyone has different priorities. She might or might not be able to find the right person, but that's true for skinny, healthy people too. And she definitely won't if she doesn't put herself out there and try.

 

Bingo. I was 36 when I met dh, 38 when we married. I had relationships before that but none led to anything permanent. I weighed 108 when we met and fluctuated between 105-108 all of my adult life (then I had a baby at 40+ and everything changed, but I digress). Skinny was not a factor. Also, once I hit 30 I kept hearing how slim my chances were of marrying, If I had listened to that I would have stopped looking and would never have met dh. Weight is not THE factor in whether or not someone marries. It's a matter of finding the right person.

 

And as for finding the right person, there's more than "just one" out there.

 

 

[wonderchica]

Actually, I go out of my way to be kind, but I'm not going to argue about that here.

 

I do think that about myself, but not in the negative light it seems you assume I think about others. (And it isn't negative towards them, either.) It is time that I focus, with discipline, on restoring my health and weight.

 

It isn't negative, just a fact, imo.

Gosh, I just don't think it's kind to wonder if someone is interesting or not just because they're fat. I wish you luck on your health journey, though.

[wintermom]

Someone who is super into fitness, super in shape, and obviously spends a lot of time in the gym comes across as self-centered, possible insecure, and vain, to me.  I wonder what else they do with their life?  

 

Interesting jump in your thought process. I'd think that this person exercises because they enjoy it, and it provides them with more energy to take care of the people and tasks around them. They didn't spend 5 hours at the gym, they exercised, went home or to work and somehow managed to stop being to "selfish" by looking after their health. ;)

[Guinevere]

Okay, poor choice of words. My point is people in any EXTREME of their own choosing make me hesitate. Not that I won't get to know them, not that I wouldn't date them, not that I can't be nice.

 

Op, your sister absolutely deserves a great person who values her for who she is, and he's out there. I, like others, hope that she can better control her asthma, and that, for her health, she can bring her weight down.

[Crimson Wife]

One of my good high school friends had a miscarriage and was told by her doctors not to try again for 6 months. She needed something to distract her so she decided to start going to a local CrossFit knockoff. Got into Obstacle Course Racing through someone at her gym and now 6 years later she's a serious competitor in the sport (goes to the OCR World Championships and everything).

 

You might see someone who is vain and self-centered but it started out as a way of dealing with the pain over her m/c and having to wait on trying for another baby.

[ktgrok]

Actually, I go out of my way to be kind, but I'm not going to argue about that here.

 

I do think that about myself, but not in the negative light it seems you assume I think about others. (And it isn't negative towards them, either.) It is time that I focus, with discipline, on restoring my health and weight.

 

It isn't negative, just a fact, imo.

 

There have been studies that show that overweight people do not have less will power or focus or smarts or anything else than thin people. 

[mamaraby]

Yup it's very personal. I LOVE bald men...well at least if they keep it trimmed or shave their heads. I don't love comb overs...I don't think anyone does, lol.

 

But my husband went mostly bald before I met him, and shaves the rest. i've never seen him with any hair other than that bit of stubble between shaving. I saw some photos of him and wow....I think he's MUCH more attractive bald! Crazy but true.

Oh, I'm in the pro-bald guy camp. Dh's hair mostly ran away early on in life and then he started shaving his head. I much prefer him sans hair than bald on top with a fringe.

 

Bald guys. Bald guys with beards. All good with me. :D

 

See, taste os personal. No grand rule that applies to everyone.

[Guinevere]

I forgot to quote the poster whose friend began a sport after a m/c.  This is not what I'm talking about.  She is not self-focused, but skill focused.  I'm not discussing this further, because it's just going to be a huge upset.  

 

There have been studies that show that overweight people do not have less will power or focus or smarts or anything else than thin people. 

 

Speaking for myself, who does have willpower, focus, and smarts, and is overweight, I am saying that someone who is chronically ill and overweight may been seen as someone who doesn't have the ability to work on a relationship at that time.  I'm not saying she doesn't deserve a relationship, that she isn't capable of a relationship, but I was answering the question of the OP as to whether or not it is harder to get married.  

 

Again, speaking for myself, I *am* struggling to feed my relationships because of my health and my weight.  I'm exhausted, tired, and fuzzy-headed.  I struggle to get things done, and to keep with others (both physically and just keeping up with their life events).  I'm thankful for the people in my life who stick with me, as I have with them through various struggles.  But before I reach out to more people, and expand my circles any further, I'm certainly going to address my health and weight issues.  

 

I also said that for someone with a strong personality, who can engage others in ways that I cannot right now, this may not be an issue at all.

 

I've been grossly misunderstood in this thread, which is the nature of a topic such as this, and the limitations of text only conversations.  I'm not going to reply anymore, and I'm sorry some of you have been hurt by my comments.  

[DawnM]

I forgot to quote the poster whose friend began a sport after a m/c.  This is not what I'm talking about.  She is not self-focused, but skill focused.  I'm not discussing this further, because it's just going to be a huge upset.  

 

 

Speaking for myself, who does have willpower, focus, and smarts, and is overweight, I am saying that someone who is chronically ill and overweight may been seen as someone who doesn't have the ability to work on a relationship at that time.  I'm not saying she doesn't deserve a relationship, that she isn't capable of a relationship, but I was answering the question of the OP as to whether or not it is harder to get married.  

 

Again, speaking for myself, I *am* struggling to feed my relationships because of my health and my weight.  I'm exhausted, tired, and fuzzy-headed.  I struggle to get things done, and to keep with others (both physically and just keeping up with their life events).  I'm thankful for the people in my life who stick with me, as I have with them through various struggles.  But before I reach out to more people, and expand my circles any further, I'm certainly going to address my health and weight issues.  

 

I also said that for someone with a strong personality, who can engage others in ways that I cannot right now, this may not be an issue at all.

 

I've been grossly misunderstood in this thread, which is the nature of a topic such as this, and the limitations of text only conversations.  I'm not going to reply anymore, and I'm sorry some of you have been hurt by my comments.  

 

 

And yet you keep commenting (and making outrageous comments) and telling us we can't comment back.  That isn't how it works.

[Guinevere]

n/m.

 

Edited July 22, 2017 by Guinevere

[Jean in Newcastle]

Huge eye roll. Shallow people will get shallow mates for the most part. We can only control some things with regard to our health and looks and even our weight in many situations . I'm not going to waste time listening to ignorant people and I hope the OP's sister doesn't either.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Guest]

Here's one thing I do not understand about perceptions (at least in the US) regarding obesity: people want to say and act like obesity doesn't bother them one iota; that they don't think it's in any way "bad" to be fat, even very fat, and that if you don't want obesity in a partner or in yourself, you are shallow, you are vain, blah, blah, blah. But what I have also seen, here, on FB, in real life, many uncountable numbers of times, is that someone loses weight, especially if it a significant amount, people universally praise the thinner person. Each and every time. They say, "Wow! You look terrific/so much better/gorgeous/just fantastic!" Many folks ask what worked for that person: was it low carb? Vegan? Weight watchers? Are you exercising now? And the thinner person is also beaming with pride and delight. They are happy to be thinner and, if necessary, have further goals to be thinner yet. So far, I have NOT ONCE, never, ever heard or seen someone say, "Why are you losing weight? You were perfectly fine 100lbs. overweight." (The only time this is ever said is if the person was thin to begin with - then, yes, people will criticize a thin person for becoming thinner.)

 

So, this really just seems like a giant pile of hypocrisy to me. We (society) are supposed to say we don't care one jot whether someone (or ourselves) are at an ideal weight - some people even reject the term "ideal weight" - it's all supposed to be NBD, although maybe if you cite it as a health concern, that might get sanctioned as acceptable, but God forbid, you can't ever say that you just plain do not find obesity attractive in yourself or in a partner. Yet, go ahead and get skinny and watch how there will be 97 comments on FB about how great you LOOK now. Nobody says, "wow, I bet your cholesterol numbers are so improved!" No, they say, "you LOOK awesome." Because you know why? It looks awesome. People look better when they are not obese. If this were not a widely accepted (though utterly taboo) fact, we wouldn't spend 90 gazillion dollars a year as a nation on gyms, diet programs, and special foods for weight loss. There wouldn't be entire companies traded on the NYSE for the purpose of losing weight if we really thought it made no difference.

 

So I just do not get the disconnect there. Why is it totally unacceptable to say, "no, I do not wish to be fat," or "I do not wish to marry a very fat person," when people do very obviously prefer the way someone LOOKS if they lose a large amount of weight after having been obese?

[mamaraby]

So I just do not get the disconnect there. Why is it totally unacceptable to say, "no, I do not wish to be fat," or "I do not wish to marry a very fat person," when people do very obviously prefer the way someone LOOKS if they lose a large amount of weight after having been obese?

Well you can say that for you, in your opinion. You just don't get to generalize that to everyone else. Nor do you (the general you) get to share that opinion unsolicited as if you (the general you) can prognosticate on someone else's life. Cuz you (the general you) don't know the inner lives of everyone else in the world and can only speak for yourself.

 

Just because "people" think fat people are unattractive does not mean that one individual who is fat will never get married as long as she is fat. All we can say is that those people will not be marrying that person which is good because I imagine those people would then be miserable.

 

It's one thing to comment on another person's appearance when the opinion is solicited. It's another thing to be a jerk and say it anyway. One way is rude, the other is kind. I'm not sure how there's a disconnect.

[Guest]

Well you can say that for you, in your opinion. You just don't get to generalize that to everyone else. Nor do you (the general you) get to share that opinion unsolicited as if you (the general you) can prognosticate on someone else's life. Cuz you (the general you) don't know the inner lives of everyone else in the world and can only speak for yourself.

 

Just because "people" think fat people are unattractive does not mean that one individual who is fat will never get married as long as she is fat. All we can say is that those people will not be marrying that person which is good because I imagine those people would then be miserable.

 

It's one thing to comment on another person's appearance when the opinion is solicited. It's another thing to be a jerk and say it anyway. One way is rude, the other is kind. I'm not sure how there's a disconnect.

No, I agree with that, 100%. The OP's sister has been notified by someone that she personally will not find someone because she's fat and has a health condition. That is definitely wrong, to tell that person that.

 

I mean in the general sense. It is said to be shallow or vain to not want that for oneself. I'm not speaking as much about this particular OP as what I've seen at other times, but in the replies to this thread as well.

[mamaraby]

No, I agree with that, 100%. The OP's sister has been notified by someone that she personally will not find someone because she's fat and has a health condition. That is definitely wrong, to tell that person that.

 

I mean in the general sense. It is said to be shallow or vain to not want that for oneself. I'm not speaking as much about this particular OP as what I've seen at other times, but in the replies to this thread as well.

But those people also get to say that opinion is shallow because in the end this is just personal opinion. As long as one doesn't want to take that opinion and then discriminate or otherwise infringe on another's life then I really don't think there's an issue.

 

But when said person then decides to be a jerk as if their opinion is the way "people" think then we have an issue. I mean, you (the general you) can think that and I can think you (the general you) are shallow, but that doesn't negate your right to think that and be shallow. :p

 

One can hold all sorts of opinions or sincerely held beliefs, but that doesn't mean they're entitled to do so without someone else disagreeing and then saying so. I think about the only way to avoid that is to keep one's opinions to one's self and yet for some people that's just inconceivable.

 

ETA: And again, by people and you here I mean in the general sense and not specific to any one particular poster or you specifically Quill.

Edited July 22, 2017 by mamaraby

[BigMamaBird]

The asthma diagnosis and overweight bit wouldn't be a problem for me. But I'm easily irritated by repetitive noises and if I were early in a dating relationship with someone who coughed constantly, that would be a deal breaker. I just couldn't handle that. Now, if someone I loved developed a cough, the strength of our existing relationship would be enough to make me find ways to deal with it. But if we weren't emotionally invested I probably wouldn't voluntarily bring that stress into my life.

 

I'm sorry, that's harsh. But it's true.

[Guest]

But those people also get to say that opinion is shallow because in the end this is just personal opinion. As long as one doesn't want to take that opinion and then discriminate or otherwise infringe on another's life then I really don't think there's an issue.

 

But when said person then decides to be a jerk as if their opinion is the way "people" think then we have an issue. I mean, you (the general you) can think that and I can think you (the general you) are shallow, but that doesn't negate your right to think that and be shallow. :p

 

One can hold all sorts of opinions or sincerely held beliefs, but that doesn't mean they're entitled to do so without someone else disagreeing and then saying so. I think about the only way to avoid that is to keep one's opinions to one's self and yet for some people that's just inconceivable.

I'm getting confused. 😄 I meant this more globally, as in society. Not "Bob" telling "Jane" she's too fat or unhealthy for him. It's just weird to me that the large majority of people pay lip service to weight not mattering one iota, "Oh, no, I have no problem with people being fat, hell, I'm fat, too!" But then, in society, apparently *somebody* does think thinner looks better than fatter because that is what people say over and over and over again when people do lose weight.

 

Maybe it's too much of a tangent to the OP to really make a lot of sense. I'm not crazy enough to start that as a thread all it's own, though. ðŸ˜

[mamaraby]

I'm getting confused. 😄 I meant this more globally, as in society. Not "Bob" telling "Jane" she's too fat or unhealthy for him. It's just weird to me that the large majority of people pay lip service to weight not mattering one iota, "Oh, no, I have no problem with people being fat, hell, I'm fat, too!" But then, in society, apparently *somebody* does think thinner looks better than fatter because that is what people say over and over and over again when people do lose weight.

 

Lol

 

But do those two groups really overlap? On the other hand, maybe they don't care about the person's weight, but congratulate them because they wish to be kind? Or maybe before the weight loss they were just being kind? Either way, I'm not sure why it matters. If in either case, a person feels loved and supported by those they're in a relationship with, isn't that what's most important?

 

And I say this as one who was once way more than 100lbs overweight and is now more like 30-40ish lbs overweight and whose husband's weight has fluctauted over the years. I can say he looks good now after losing the weight, but that doesn't really negate the fact that I still found him attractive before. I mean, he's welcome in my bed any day iykwim. I found him attractive at his highest weight and I still think he looks attractive now. So I don't know, imo, his weight is just not an issue with me.

 

I mean you wouldn't want him cuz he's bald, but that's ok. To each his own. :D

[Guest]

Lol

 

But do those two groups really overlap? On the other hand, maybe they don't care about the person's weight, but congratulate them because they wish to be kind? Or maybe before the weight loss they were just being kind? Either way, I'm not sure why it matters. If in either case, a person feels loved and supported by those they're in a relationship with, isn't that what's most important?

 

And I say this as one who was once way more than 100lbs overweight and is now more like 30-40ish lbs overweight and whose husband's weight has fluctauted over the years. I can say he looks good now after losing the weight, but that doesn't really negate the fact that I still found him attractive before. I mean, he's welcome in my bed any day iykwim. I found him attractive at his highest weight and I still think he looks attractive now. So I don't know, imo, his weight is just not an issue with me.

 

I mean you wouldn't want him cuz he's bald, but that's ok. To each his own. :D

Well, it seems to me that they must overlap. It doesn't seem likely that there's this whole group of people over in this corner saying, "Oh, no, I don't care at all! Weight is just a number on the scale," while there is this whole other group of people over in the other corner saying, "well you look awesome now." I think - and it's pure conjecture - but no one wants to be thought an insensitive, vain clod who cares about piddly things like being too heavy to be weighed on a standard scale, so they just talk the right way, they say the right, inclusive things. So, they say the socially acceptable things about not caring about weight, but then they "slip" and tell people they look much better thinner.

 

You made me LOL about your bald man. 😄

 

Tht guy who invented that rolly head shaver thing is attractive to me. But that's an anomaly.

 

ETA: fix tag

Edited July 22, 2017 by Quill

[Jean in Newcastle]

Here's one thing I do not understand about perceptions (at least in the US) regarding obesity: people want to say and act like obesity doesn't bother them one iota; that they don't think it's in any way "bad" to be fat, even very fat, and that if you don't want obesity in a partner or in yourself, you are shallow, you are vain, blah, blah, blah. But what I have also seen, here, on FB, in real life, many uncountable numbers of times, is that someone loses weight, especially if it a significant amount, people universally praise the thinner person. Each and every time. They say, "Wow! You look terrific/so much better/gorgeous/just fantastic!" Many folks ask what worked for that person: was it low carb? Vegan? Weight watchers? Are you exercising now? And the thinner person is also beaming with pride and delight. They are happy to be thinner and, if necessary, have further goals to be thinner yet. So far, I have NOT ONCE, never, ever heard or seen someone say, "Why are you losing weight? You were perfectly fine 100lbs. overweight." (The only time this is ever said is if the person was thin to begin with - then, yes, people will criticize a thin person for becoming thinner.)

 

So, this really just seems like a giant pile of hypocrisy to me. We (society) are supposed to say we don't care one jot whether someone (or ourselves) are at an ideal weight - some people even reject the term "ideal weight" - it's all supposed to be NBD, although maybe if you cite it as a health concern, that might get sanctioned as acceptable, but God forbid, you can't ever say that you just plain do not find obesity attractive in yourself or in a partner. Yet, go ahead and get skinny and watch how there will be 97 comments on FB about how great you LOOK now. Nobody says, "wow, I bet your cholesterol numbers are so improved!" No, they say, "you LOOK awesome." Because you know why? It looks awesome. People look better when they are not obese. If this were not a widely accepted (though utterly taboo) fact, we wouldn't spend 90 gazillion dollars a year as a nation on gyms, diet programs, and special foods for weight loss. There wouldn't be entire companies traded on the NYSE for the purpose of losing weight if we really thought it made no difference.

 

So I just do not get the disconnect there. Why is it totally unacceptable to say, "no, I do not wish to be fat," or "I do not wish to marry a very fat person," when people do very obviously prefer the way someone LOOKS if they lose a large amount of weight after having been obese?

I will answer as someone who really wants to lose weight but who hasn't been able to even with doctor's help. I recognize the health benefits of a healthy BMI. I want those benefits. I also recognize though that BMI is not the totality of what it means to be healthy. I have had personal trainers who are heavier than ideal but who were incredibly fit.

 

I also recognize that clothing is easier to buy and drapes better on someone who is a healthy weight. But people can make fashion choices to be attractive no matter what their size.

 

I know many attractive people who are overweight. I also know some thin people who are not attractive at all. Attractiveness is more than body shape. What is most attractive once you get over first impressions is someone's soul. Someone's BMI or health has nothing to do with that.

 

So my answer is split. Healthy weight is good if you can get it. But for someone I am going to spend my life with or even be close friends, a beautiful soul is so much more important.

[mamaraby]

Well, it seems to me that they must overlap. It doesn't seem likely that there's this whole group of people over in this corner saying, "Oh, no, I don't care at all! Weight is just a number on the scale," while there is this whole other group of people over in the other corner saying, "well you look awesome now." I think - and it's pure conjecture - but no one wants to be thought an insensitive, vain clod who cares about piddly things like being too heavy to be weighed on a standard scale, so they just talk the right way, they say the right, inclusive things. So, they say the socially acceptable things about not caring about weight, but then they "slip" and tell people they look much better thinner.

But because it's conjecture, you just don't really know what their motivation is because you aren't privy to their inner thoughts. I choose to believe they're being kind in either case because I would be kind and I like to hope those I know are the same way.

 

On the other hand, even if they aren't being kind, I am still thankful that they've been socialized enough that the social pressure not to be a jerk is enough that they aren't a jerk. I don't think it's a slip so much as a sign of a person with social skills. And in the case it's a win and people of all sizes still get to be people who feel like a person just like everyone else.

[J-rap]

I think the people who are being shallow are the ones who say she'll never get married.  That's silly.  There are plenty of people who are 100 pounds overweight and married;  just look around you.  And probably half of the adult population has a health problem, whether it's asthma, or allergies, or high blood pressure, or cancer in the family, or epilepsy, or depression, or you name it.  

 

On the other hand, I can certainly see someone initially not choosing to marry an overweight person if the person choosing is very fit and athletic or whatever, and are (either rightly or wrongly) concluding that the overweight person does not have that as a priority.  

 

I think the asthma part is particularly strange though because I know a lot of people who have asthma and who have it completely controlled and are fit as a fiddle.  It does not necessarily play out in long term health problems, at all.

 

But if hers is uncontrolled and she is breathing heavily and coughing and is quite overweight, I could see that it would make some people nervous or leery.

 

Still, she sounds like a really wonderful person and I have no doubt that she could still find plenty of suiters who would want to marry her, if she chooses to do so.

[marbel]

Here's one thing I do not understand about perceptions (at least in the US) regarding obesity: people want to say and act like obesity doesn't bother them one iota; that they don't think it's in any way "bad" to be fat, even very fat, and that if you don't want obesity in a partner or in yourself, you are shallow, you are vain, blah, blah, blah. But what I have also seen, here, on FB, in real life, many uncountable numbers of times, is that someone loses weight, especially if it a significant amount, people universally praise the thinner person. Each and every time. They say, "Wow! You look terrific/so much better/gorgeous/just fantastic!" Many folks ask what worked for that person: was it low carb? Vegan? Weight watchers? Are you exercising now? And the thinner person is also beaming with pride and delight. They are happy to be thinner and, if necessary, have further goals to be thinner yet. So far, I have NOT ONCE, never, ever heard or seen someone say, "Why are you losing weight? You were perfectly fine 100lbs. overweight." (The only time this is ever said is if the person was thin to begin with - then, yes, people will criticize a thin person for becoming thinner.)

 

<snip>

 

Yes.  I know exactly what you mean.  

[bethben]

My sister also dealt with being overweight and having trouble dating. My DH explained her lack of dates like this--regardless of the woman's personality, men are visual people. Regardless of what women want men to be, they are still visual and are initially attracted to a woman based on the visual. In the case of my sister, she didn't have a large variety of men who she could get to know her -not just her outside and be attracted to the person she really is. So, she lost 75 lbs and at that point, started dating more as a result and is now married. So, no, weight should not matter, but unfortunately it can.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[StephanieZ]

Sure, those are reasons. Both of those issues are negatives, in my book, and every individual has some negatives and every person has to choose which ones are their red-lines and which they can live with. 

 

If I had the choice, I'd rather marry someone who is likely to live long enough to grow old with me, and I'd just as soon not be facing the "sickness" part of 'in sickness or in health' sooner than I have to. 

 

I have asthma, and it is/was a cough-variant asthma. I go to the specialist as often as recommended (usually every 6 months) and adjust my meds/lifestyle/etc as directed, so my asthma is largely asymptomatic so long as I take my meds and follow his guidelines. Your sister likely shouldn't be coughing regularly if she's managing her illness properly. 

 

Being 100 pounds over weight is a big deal health-wise. It's also unattractive to many people, but that's a personal preference. I wouldn't have dated someone largely overweight. In my 20s, that would have been generally because I am not attracted to fatness. Now, if I were single (thank goodness, never going to happen!), I'd add my concern about health. I'd also be concerned about ability to share active/athletic activities. As an experienced adult, I'd also add a concern about "how would TeA work" because I'd worry that there'd be some major issues of activities/positions/endurance/etc for TeA that I enjoy . . . that I can't see not being hugely negatively impacted by being severely overweight. Since TeA is a major part of marriage, that could be a deal killer.

 

Bottom line, it's not showing responsibility for your own health to be regularly coughing from asthma nor to be 100 pounds overweight. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who was irresponsible on such important matters as life and health. 

 

If she really wants to get married, she should take care of her own health. That'd be good for her no matter what happens with marriage. 

 

 

 

 

[ktgrok]

 

 

 

If she really wants to get married, she should take care of her own health. That'd be good for her no matter what happens with marriage. 

 

The assumption that she isn't trying hard enough to do so is incredibly offensive. I worked harder at losing weight than most people will work at anything. It didn't work. So I was lucky enough that I could afford, with insurance, bariatric surgery. I still work hard at it, but now it does work. But not everyone can do that. The idea that people who are obese or have a disease are just not trying hard enough is annoying as heck. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Sure, those are reasons. Both of those issues are negatives, in my book, and every individual has some negatives and every person has to choose which ones are their red-lines and which they can live with. 

 

If I had the choice, I'd rather marry someone who is likely to live long enough to grow old with me, and I'd just as soon not be facing the "sickness" part of 'in sickness or in health' sooner than I have to. 

 

I have asthma, and it is/was a cough-variant asthma. I go to the specialist as often as recommended (usually every 6 months) and adjust my meds/lifestyle/etc as directed, so my asthma is largely asymptomatic so long as I take my meds and follow his guidelines. Your sister likely shouldn't be coughing regularly if she's managing her illness properly. 

 

Being 100 pounds over weight is a big deal health-wise. It's also unattractive to many people, but that's a personal preference. I wouldn't have dated someone largely overweight. In my 20s, that would have been generally because I am not attracted to fatness. Now, if I were single (thank goodness, never going to happen!), I'd add my concern about health. I'd also be concerned about ability to share active/athletic activities. As an experienced adult, I'd also add a concern about "how would TeA work" because I'd worry that there'd be some major issues of activities/positions/endurance/etc for TeA that I enjoy . . . that I can't see not being hugely negatively impacted by being severely overweight. Since TeA is a major part of marriage, that could be a deal killer.

 

Bottom line, it's not showing responsibility for your own health to be regularly coughing from asthma nor to be 100 pounds overweight. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who was irresponsible on such important matters as life and health. 

 

If she really wants to get married, she should take care of her own health. That'd be good for her no matter what happens with marriage.

 

1. Heavy women are usually just fine in the tea department, thanks. As has been mentioned repeatedly in the thread, there are plenty of men who do. not. mind. To the point that they like it.

 

2. I worked very hard at losing weight, with no success, for a long time. Then I found a doctor who knew how to reverse metabolic damage from the steroids I'd taken for lupus. I followed his plan 100% and the weight fell off in sheets. Easy. Fast. I looked like I'd finally found willpower and finally gave a damn but the reality is that I'd followed lots of plans with that same kind of diligence (because I am a methodical and disciplined person) but with no results because there was a medical issue that needed worked out first. I was same strong, smart, and determined person the WHOLE time.

 

I hope this has been educational.

[StephanieZ]

1. Heavy women are usually just fine in the tea department, thanks. As has been mentioned repeatedly in the thread, there are plenty of men who do. not. mind. To the point that they like it.

 

 

 

I said that *I* would worry about TeA issues with a *fat partner* because of my personal experience and preferences wrt TeA. Details would be mostly X-rated, so clearly not a subject for this board or public discussion. Clearly, that's not an issue for every person or every partner, depending on what is your "yumm"s wrt TeA. 

[StephanieZ]

The assumption that she isn't trying hard enough to do so is incredibly offensive. I worked harder at losing weight than most people will work at anything. It didn't work. So I was lucky enough that I could afford, with insurance, bariatric surgery. I still work hard at it, but now it does work. But not everyone can do that. The idea that people who are obese or have a disease are just not trying hard enough is annoying as heck. 

 

The OP stated that her sister "coughs a lot" due to asthma. To me, that doesn't indicate that she's taking care of her asthma, in my experience, as a person with cough-variant asthma. I never cough due to asthma ... since I got it diagnosed and follow the guidance of my doctor. I take my meds, see the DR regularly, do his tests, adjust meds per his guidance, and I made the (inconvenient and annoying) life style modifications he advised. 

 

I'll never forget the second time I saw my asthma/allergy doc. The first time, he'd diagnosed my allergies and asthma and prescribed some meds and lifestyle modifications. When I came back 3 months later, he was *shocked* that I'd followed his recommendations and reported how well they'd helped. I was *shocked* that he was *shocked*.

 

Me: "Of course I banished the pets from my bedroom and got a HEPA filter for my bedroom! You told me to!!" 

DR:  "I tell that to all my patients with pet allergies. No one does it! I've visited patients admitted to the hospital for asthma attack, on oxygen, who tell me, from their hospital bed, that they still won't banish their pets from their beds!"

 

Me: Face-Palm.

 

Similarly, my PCP told me about 10 years ago that if I lost 5-10 pounds, my GERD might significantly improve. A year later, I'd lost the 5-10 pounds, and, wow, my GERD had improved. 

 

Losing weight (and even harder, maintaining weight loss) is clearly a big challenge. No doubt. Me, too. 

 

 

I'm well aware that plenty of overweight people work very hard to lose weight and/or otherwise address their health issues. And I'm well aware that plenty of slim people are terribly irresponsible wrt their health. 

 

OP asked if "it's a reason . . ." And, IMHO, of course it is *a* reason. Not a deal breaker for everyone, not the only reason, but certainly a reason for some people. 

 

Choosing a spouse is a critical life decision. Personally, I think it's one of, if not *the* most important decisions we make for our own personal well being. I'd encourage someone to consider everything possible when making that choice. You're choosing a partner for life. Things like money, careers, appearance, hobbies, introvert/extrovert, etc . . . all make an impact on your life. To me, they are secondary concerns to the primary things like shared values, but those secondary things still matter.

 

I wouldn't desire to be married to someone whose favorite hobbies were bungee jumping or attending NASCAR events since I detest "scary" things and big crowds . . .  not because I have any problem with *other people* enjoying those events, but because I wouldn't enjoy them, and I want to spend time with my spouse. 

 

 

I wouldn't desire to be married to someone who was happy to live paycheck to paycheck with little to no financial security, because I desire financial security and enjoy expensive travel other pricey lifestyle habits. That doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with folks who are happy to live very modestly and not interested in having a cushy savings account, but I personally would be very stressed and unhappy if that was my life, so I'd not choose a partner who didn't have similar goals and expectations. 

 

I wouldn't desire to be married to someone without a strong intellect and a habit of intellectual engagement, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with others who choose otherwise. I'm just attracted to intellectual people. There are plenty of people who are turned off by intellect. To each their own.

 

I wouldn't desire to be married to someone who didn't enjoy pets because I adore them. I just find the sight of my man cuddling a kitten to be heartwarming and a turn on. Others hate animals and are grossed out by snuggles, let alone smooches, with pets. To each their own. 

 

I would never argue or believe that *no one* should marry someone who has uncontrolled asthma and is morbidly obese. Somebody wants those things in a partner. I wouldn't. For me, they'd be deal breakers. 

 

Since both uncontrolled asthma and morbid obesity are significant and serious health risks, I suggested that the OP's sister should address those issues. If you don't agree, that's fine. And, if she's already addressing those issues, then that's great. 

[Guest]

of course it is *a* reason. Not a deal breaker for everyone, not the only reason, but certainly a reason for some people.

 

Choosing a spouse is a critical life decision. Personally, I think it's one of, if not *the* most important decisions we make for our own personal well being. I'd encourage someone to consider everything possible when making that choice. You're choosing a partner for life. Things like money, careers, appearance, hobbies, introvert/extrovert, etc . . . all make an impact on your life. To me, they are secondary concerns to the primary things like shared values, but those secondary things still matter.

Yes. Very well said. The rest of your post, too; it was just lengthy. 😄