If your young adult works, but isn't self supporting, how do you manage the $

[Daria]

DS18 is finishing high school via homeschooling, and is working about 10 hours a week at a local gym.  The job is great for him, as it related to what he might want to do long term, and connects him to people with similar interests, but it doesn't pay very well.  He'd love more hours, but they aren't available with his current employer.  He's hoping to pick up a second job in the fall, while going to community college part time.

 

Before he started the job, I was giving him cash each week.  We didn't do an allowance, instead he'd tell me what he planned on for the week and I'd give him a reasonable amount.  Since he pays for all his own transportation (we're a no car family, but bus and train fares add up fast), and buys the food he cooks for his breakfasts and lunches while I'm at work, as well as things like haircuts and clothes, it adds up pretty fast, even though I don't feel like I was overly generous. 

 

Right now, what he's making is about 1/2 of what I was giving him before. His paycheck is deposited into my account (because he keeps losing his ID, so we can't open an account for him, he's definitely a work in progress), and I've just been giving him money as usual each week, and telling him "This is the money from work, plus a little extra from me."  or "Since it isn't a pay week, here's some money to tide you over." but I'd love to figure out some way to link what he's earning to how much he gets, or something. 

 

Ideas?  What do other people do when their kids earn some money, but not enough money.

 

I should add that at this age, I was making all my own spending money through babysitting etc . . . , but my parents still drove me places, plus I had a free bus pass from school, and my mom did all the food shopping, so my expenses were a lot lower.  

[MooCow]

My older kids have checking accounts, I just transfer money to them. Well, just my daughter now. My son works full time and banks someplace else.

[TeenagerMom]

My 17 year old doesn't have a regular job but babysits fairly frequently.  We give her a clothing allowance, extracurricular activities, provide her cell phone, food, and shelter.  Pretty much anything else, she is responsible for (haircuts, makeup, food outside of the house, etc).  When she starts driving (in the fall), she will be responsible for putting gas in our vehicle that she drives and paying 1/2 of the insurance increase for adding her on.  Throughout her senior year, we will slowly start to transition her with removing her clothing allowance, etc since she plans on getting a job to work her Senior year.  We will still provide the basics for her but any luxuries are on her.

[sassenach]

When dd was in a transitional phase, she had her own checking account and it was set up with Mint, which was linked to both of our phones. So basically, she had her own money and created her own budget, but also the accountability of me seeing where her money was going. The things that dh and I contributed to were either paid for directly by us (car insurance, food) or we transferred a predetermined amount over to her (our portion of her gas budget, school expenses).

 

It worked pretty well.

[Ailaena]

Track his money with him. Use a spreadsheet, or a notebook, or something, so that he can see how much he made each week. When you hand him money, hand him the exact amount of his paycheck and then separately hand him the money you give him.

 

Simply drawing attention to his money as part of a total sum will help him to visually see and begin to understand and keep track of everything for when he weans (for lack of a better term :p ).

[Shelly in IL]

My 17 year old has had a job since he was 8 (chicken/egg business). When he was small we would take the profits and split it 60/40. 60% to his bank account and 40%spending. As he's had more demanding and higher paying jobs, we still handle it that way, but he has a checking acct and a ATM card to access whatever $ he needs. He makes really good $$

[The Girls' Mom]

My girls all have their own accounts with debit cards.  Their money goes directly into their accounts, and I transfer money into them as needed.  

 

My oldest is the only one currently working.  She makes enough to pay for her own gas, toiletries, clothes, and entertainment.  I give her money occasionally to cover medical, car repairs, etc.  She budgets her paycheck fairly well, and has been able to keep her checking account in order.  

 

The younger two have very sporadic jobs, but drive themselves to all their activities and such.  I transfer a small amount into each of their accounts each week and they budget it for entertainment, gas, make up, etc.  

[gardenmom5]

btdt with four.  two are totally independent -worked 10hrs during quarters/40 between, two are in college/work part-time 10-20 hours during quarters, 40 between.   they get help as needed for basics - they're working, but their most important "job", is college. 

 

do you have bus passes or the equivalent for the train?  would it be cheaper than giving him money everyday? 

 

why is he losing  his bank account info?  he needs to start taking charge of it - not putting his money into mom's account.  that keeps him like a kid (teens take charge of their own money).     you can get two debit cards for a checking account - you keep one, he keeps one - if he loses it - get another one.

 

is there room for growth with this employer?

is there a gym that is closer that is looking for someone?

 

why isn't he picking up a 2nd job now?  10hrs a week leaves a lot of free time for the summer.  he could be earning money to sock away for when he's in school.

retailers are usually very flexible with students.  more hours between quarters - fewer during.

 

it isn't hard and fast, but I would encourage him to be more realistic about his student employment.  sure he might like it and all,- but  he needs to understand how much it is costing him to commute to this job - and what he's making from the job.  iow: it's not paying to get there and back.  just how pertinent is it to his career/education goals?

 

if he's going for certifications/college degree (associate or bachelor) - any job that pays is a job that pays and students have expenses and they need to pay for at least some of them.

 

I'd be willing to continue paying for his food, clothes, etc. while he is an active student.  I would NOT be paying for movies or other entertainment (unless it is a family thing).  or any other non-essential.  and especially not electronics. (unless it's a birthday/christmas gift.)

[Daria]

btdt with four.  two are totally independent -worked 10hrs during quarters/40 between, two are in college/work part-time 10-20 hours during quarters, 40 between.   they get help as needed for basics - they're working, but their most important "job", is college. 

 

do you have bus passes or the equivalent for the train?  would it be cheaper than giving him money everyday? 

 

why is he losing  his bank account info?  he needs to start taking charge of it - not putting his money into mom's account.  that keeps him like a kid (teens take charge of their own money).     you can get two debit cards for a checking account - you keep one, he keeps one - if he loses it - get another one.

 

is there room for growth with this employer?

is there a gym that is closer that is looking for someone?

 

why isn't he picking up a 2nd job now?  10hrs a week leaves a lot of free time for the summer.  he could be earning money to sock away for when he's in school.

retailers are usually very flexible with students.  more hours between quarters - fewer during.

 

it isn't hard and fast, but I would encourage him to be more realistic about his student employment.  sure he might like it and all,- but  he needs to understand how much it is costing him to commute to this job - and what he's making from the job.  iow: it's not paying to get there and back.  just how pertinent is it to his career/education goals?

 

if he's going for certifications/college degree (associate or bachelor) - any job that pays is a job that pays and students have expenses and they need to pay for at least some of them.

 

I'd be willing to continue paying for his food, clothes, etc. while he is an active student.  I would NOT be paying for movies or other entertainment (unless it is a family thing).  or any other non-essential.  and especially not electronics. (unless it's a birthday/christmas gift.)

 

I'm a little confused why your kids work 10 hours a week in college, but you're judging my kid for working only 10 hours a week as a high school senior, but the reason he's not looking for a second job right now, because in 4 weeks he's leaving for a 6 week summer program out of state, and because between now and then, he's still working on some asynchronous online HS classes, plus taking a 1 credit course at the community college.  So, time is tight right now. 

 

Also, once he has his high school diploma, which should be by the end of August, a lot of job possibilities open up.  

 

He just finished a lifeguard training class, so one possibility is to get a lifeguard job at one of our county indoor pools, but not until fall.  

 

The job is walking distance from our house.  He's hoping to study athletic training, or something related, so a job in a fitness center is actually a pretty good fit for him.  The bus/subway costs are to the community college, to visit Grandma, to get together with friends, to go to the library, doctor's appointments, etc . . .  but not to go to work.  

 

As for the ID, he's not losing the card to the bank account.  He's losing his state ID (like a driver's license for people who don't drive), which he needs to open a bank account.  

[StaceyinLA]

When ours turned 16 and wanted cars (because we live in the boonies, they really needed cars because sharing just wasn't an option), they got jobs. We bought the cars cash (these are few thousand dollar cars - older corollas, civics, etc., nothing super spectacular), and they were responsible for insurance, gas and their spending money. We still bought their clothing and other basics, and provided meals of course if they were home.

 

We did help them out a bit more when they were in college, and I'd slip them a little extra here and there if they were short on hours that week, but for the most part, that's how it worked and they've all managed money pretty well (well, maybe 3 out of 4 of them - one likes to spend a bit more than the others).

Edited May 27, 2017 by StaceyinLA

[Heather in OK]

My oldest is 19 and has worked at her job (her very first one) for almost a year.  She has been saving some of her check each week to put towards a car.  She pays for her portion of the car insurance, cell phone bills, and gas.  She has a checking account and a savings account and knows how to transfer money from one to the other.  I helped her set up Paypal so that's how she pays us for car ins and cell phone.  She is not responsible for her own groceries.  She is, however, responsible for any expenses/wants outside what we might do as a family.  For example, hair cuts/color, clothes, grabbing a bite to eat on her way home from work, "fun" spending.  There are times she has her siblings with her (ie. after church) and they stop for food.  In those cases I pay her back what she spent since I don't want her to be responsible for feeding the other three (unless she does it as her treat). 

My second is 17 and has been working a couple shifts a week since December.  She has been saving about 70% of her check for car/college so she has the rest to do as she wishes.  She's hoping for some more work hours so that she can get her driver's license because she'll have to pay for her portion of the car insurance.  Like her sister, she is responsible for any expenses/wants outside things we do as a family. 

We give neither of them spending money.  If big unexpected things come up (ie. oldest needed some dental work done and we helped her with that), we pitch in as much as we can.  They are old enough to start being responsible for their income. 

[gardenmom5]

I'm a little confused why your kids work 10 hours a week in college, but you're judging my kid for working only 10 hours a week as a high school senior, but the reason he's not looking for a second job right now, because in 4 weeks he's leaving for a 6 week summer program out of state, and because between now and then, he's still working on some asynchronous online HS classes, plus taking a 1 credit course at the community college.  So, time is tight right now. 

 

Also, once he has his high school diploma, which should be by the end of August, a lot of job possibilities open up.  

 

He just finished a lifeguard training class, so one possibility is to get a lifeguard job at one of our county indoor pools, but not until fall.  

 

The job is walking distance from our house.  He's hoping to study athletic training, or something related, so a job in a fitness center is actually a pretty good fit for him.  The bus/subway costs are to the community college, to visit Grandma, to get together with friends, to go to the library, doctor's appointments, etc . . .  but not to go to work.  

 

As for the ID, he's not losing the card to the bank account.  He's losing his state ID (like a driver's license for people who don't drive), which he needs to open a bank account.  

 

I thought he was done with high school.   my mistake - I apologize.  if he's in high school,  working`10 hrs is great. 

I'm used to kids being done with high school in may/june - so august seems late to me. (is he doing summer quarter at the cc?  remember it's compressed for schedule - so it's actually more intense.)  

 

I would support transportation costs for school/grandma/dr -  (again - do you have bus/train passes where you pay a flat rate for unlimited use during a month?) I wouldn't pay for him to hang with friends.  that's what his job is supposed to pay for.

 

has his state ID been replaced?  i'd think that would be necessary to get a job.

Edited May 27, 2017 by gardenmom5

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't understand why a 17 year old needs to have the concept of spending money linked for him.

 

We provide room and board for free through college. At the moment I am also providing chauffeur service to school and work. Public transportation is lousy here. Ds has saved up money and bought a car that he is fixing up to be road worthy. He's also saving for insurance. I'm willing to provide transportation now so that he can be self sufficient in the future.

 

As I said, I provide food but if he doesn't want the meals I fix then he buys his own.

 

Ds has paid for his entire first year of college. He saved up starting in high school. He is going to community college and working 20 hrs/wk. I would much rather pay for things like clothing so that he can work on saving for college.

 

That's what has worked for us.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[gardenmom5]

I don't understand why a 17 year old needs to have the concept of spending money linked for him.

 

We provide room and board for free through college. At the moment I am also providing chauffeur service to school and work. Public transportation is lousy here. Ds has saved up money and bought a car that he is fixing up to be road worthy. He's also saving for insurance. I'm willing to provide transportation now so that he can be self sufficient in the future.

 

As I said, I provide food but if he doesn't want the meals I fix then he buys his own.

 

Ds has paid for his entire first year of college. He saved up starting in high school. He is going to community college and working 20 hrs/wk. I would much rather pay for things like clothing so that he can work on saving for college.

 

That's what has worked for us.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

well - unless you drive to the park and ride and are going to downtown seattle - becuase you know, it's the center of the universe.  never mind more people live in seattle and work on the eastside.  big eye roll.   I remember the "indoctrinate the students into the glories of metro transit" bus ralley the school did.  what the students learned . . .  they didn't *ever* want to depend upon metro to get somewhere.  they spent three months on that boondoggle.

 

metro did motivate 1ds to actually get his driver's license.  for his first job, he could take metro, transfer, and walk a mile for a two hour each way commute - or he could drive 20 minutes up the free way.  (since where he was working was right off of it.)

and dd is now working in the downtown core-ish area.  she would still have to transfer downtown OR walk 1 mile each way (on the seattle end), including through some sketchy areas in the afternoon that made her really nervous.  so, she's driving.  (her company pays for her parking.)

Edited May 27, 2017 by gardenmom5

[AK_Mom4]

My two oldest had jobs in high school and that paid for their gas and spending money, with a little extra put away for savings.  We paid for everything else, plus about once a month I would find a reason to borrow their car and fill up the gas tank for them as a gift.  They worked 10-20 hours a week while in high school.

 

I think it's quite reasonable to for you to be picking up the costs of transportation and regular expenses for a high school kid.  If the amount my kid needed to get through a week was more than what they could make in a part-time job, then yes I would be making up the difference for them.

 

Once they went on to college, of course, it was a bit different.  DS21 is living at home so gets free room and board while going to college here and covers all his expenses from his part-time job.  Well... I still buy him a tank of gas about once a month, but he is great about helping chauffer DD16 around, so I figure it all works out in the end.

[Daria]

I don't understand why a 17 year old needs to have the concept of spending money linked for him.

 

 

So, I guess what I want to have linked, is I want him to see some kind of benefit for working.  So, for example, if I was previously giving him X amount of money, and now he's working 10 hours a week for Y amount of money, I feel like he should end up with a little extra in his pocket.  But at the same time, I don't think he should necessarily get X + Y, because I've told him for a while that once he's 18 he needs to be contributing.

 

But I'm not sure how to do it, do I tel him that I'll give him X + .5Y?  Do I give him the money he earns, and then also give him 1/2 of X but separately?  

[AK_Mom4]

How about if you sit down with him and figure out what he needs to get through the week? And by needs, I mean Needs - bus fare, train fare, what it actually takes to do the things that he needs to do.   That's how we handled it.  Then, the money he makes goes half to savings and half for his spending money.  Or 60-40.  Or whatever you decide together is best.

 

My take on it was that a job for my high school kids was for experience and for them to have some money for "extras".  We are in a position financially to cover all the needs, so we do.

[Jean in Newcastle]

So, I guess what I want to have linked, is I want him to see some kind of benefit for working. So, for example, if I was previously giving him X amount of money, and now he's working 10 hours a week for Y amount of money, I feel like he should end up with a little extra in his pocket. But at the same time, I don't think he should necessarily get X + Y, because I've told him for a while that once he's 18 he needs to be contributing.

 

But I'm not sure how to do it, do I tel him that I'll give him X + .5Y? Do I give him the money he earns, and then also give him 1/2 of X but separately?

What are his goals in life? Ds's goals are a college degree) and eventually a job with good earning potential in that field, a car and all that is included, some "toys" (aka computer stuff and guitar stuff) and some mad money. Those goals are written in order of importance.

 

When he got his first job in high school the first thing he did was to set it up so that half of his paycheck went into a college savings account. The other half was divided into car, "toys" and mad money-not equally. He was working 20 hours even in high school though so there was more to divvy up.

 

My point is that I think it is going to depend on goals and financial values. We feel comfortable supporting him on other financial things because he has solid goals and have them prioritized.

[regentrude]

We have always done an allowance and also covered certain expenses. My DS still gets his allowance, and we still cover certain expenses, even though he works.

Working allows him to have more money available to spend and to build savings. We would not want to penalize him for working by cutting the allowance which we can afford (if finances were so tight that the allowance were a hardship, things might be different)

 

[Carrie12345]

My 18yo lives primarily with his father, goes to college, and finally is back to working part time.  Maybe we're nuts, but we still just basically give him whatever he needs.  It's probably an atypical situation, though.  He's not a very social being, still doesn't have his driver's license, and there is no public transportation.

 

I have been thinking about how I want to change things in the fall.  This particular child is not especially financially literate, despite my best efforts.  (I can only combat so much from another household.)    I do think we need to move to an allowance-with-strings system, not as a general principle thing, but because that's what this specific child probably needs.

 

My other two (minor) teens have a much better grasp on budgeting and long-term thinking.

[Guest]

For our high.schoolers,their pay went into their own account. Part was saved for college and part was used for nonnecessities and transportation to/from the job. Similar when they became college students. We don't expect high school or full time college students to pay for utilities while living at home, food, personals, medical,or clothing. We do expect that they pay for their nonnecessities, gas, car insurance, drivers license, hobbies, incidentals, and entertainment while setting a portion aside for startup expenses. If you want your dc to see that he has something left from working, keep a ledger weekly showing his pay and how much you gave him.. He should then keep his own record of how he spends his work money and his allowance as well as what he uses his.savings for.

[Night Elf]

I sat down with my high schoolers and talked money when they started working. I needed them to know where all their money was going. The amount of money I gave for an allowance changed as their paychecks increased.  For example, my oldest dd was working full-time at age 17 so she didn't need financial assistance. I didn't charge her for groceries. She paid for everything else. When my youngest dd started working, she only worked 10-15 hours a week. She didn't want an allowance as long as she had an income. She doesn't drive so she didn't have a lot to pay for. She put nearly all of it in a college fund so she'd have spending money while away at college.

 

While dd was in college, we increased her allowance and continued paying for the important things like medical, transportation outside campus, and cell phone. She paid for clothes, entertainment, food outside the meal plan, and other products like shampoo, etc. Now she's home for the summer and working again to save up money for next school year. She didn't want us to continue giving her an allowance but her job isn't giving her very many hours so I'm helping out a little.

 

My ds works, but he has Aspergers so his situation is a bit different.

[Pawz4me]

We stopped/will stop our boys' allowances when they go off to college and instead we have them put their (reasonable) expenses on a credit card we provide (authorized user on one of our cards) and pay for. We're committed to fully supporting them until they get their under grad degrees and that includes paying for pretty much everything. DS21 will have a full time, very well paying internship this summer and as far as we're concerned the money is his to do with as he wishes. At this point his plan is to save most of it and use at least part of it to do a few weeks of traveling after graduation next May and before starting a full time job.

 

The above is our family culture and (thankfully) fits into our budget.

[DawnM]

Only one of my kids has a job right now.  We aren't making him pay for anything really.  He sometimes will pay for a movie ticket with friends and go to Taco Bell after work with friends, but we still pay his insurance, gas, necessities, etc.....and he drives our older car to school and to work.

 

But we aren't counting on this job long term.  It is a good experience for him, but he may need to quit this summer as we are taking a 4 week vacation as a family, which may be our last long family trip ever (kids are just getting older.)

 

It really is just so dependent on each family,  We view school as their "job" for now, and expect them to do their best with grades, etc..., meanwhile we have homeschool friends whose teens work 25-35 hours per week, go to community college, and have to pay the parents rent, pay their own car insurance, and have to pay their own gas money.

 

There isn't a wrong way.  I think rent while still in high school is a little too much, but that is my person opinion and I don't know all the details of their arrangement.

[Artichoke]

Gently saying this:

 

It sounds as if you need to allow your son to be more responsible.. The first step I'd take is to not allow dis paycheck to be in your account after a certain date. Help him get the needed documents to apply for a new id. Plan the day that it needs to be done and then drop him off at the dmv or wherever to get a new one. Having a valid Id is important. Buy him a pass for the transport in monthly allotments and help him learn how to budget it's use. It's usually cheaper this way. then move to giving $ for the pass and he has to buy it himself. I have to admit the breakfast and lunch is confusing to me. Why is money being given instead of simply providing groceries at home? I think if you start doing some of these things, then he'll start to understand how money works and that it's usually a finite supply.

Edited May 27, 2017 by Artichoke

[gardenmom5]

What are his goals in life? Ds's goals are a college degree) and eventually a job with good earning potential in that field, a car and all that is included, some "toys" (aka computer stuff and guitar stuff) and some mad money. Those goals are written in order of importance.

 

When he got his first job in high school the first thing he did was to set it up so that half of his paycheck went into a college savings account. The other half was divided into car, "toys" and mad money-not equally. He was working 20 hours even in high school though so there was more to divvy up.

 

My point is that I think it is going to depend on goals and financial values. We feel comfortable supporting him on other financial things because he has solid goals and have them prioritized.

 

:iagree:  this.  it always amazes me how short term some teens/YAs can think.   grown-up life costs money. it just does.  when they think of a job - will it earn enough to pay their bills?   re: car, house, living expenses, extras? family?     f.l.e.x.i.b.i.l.i.t.y.? 

 

my father died when I was 12.  seriously changed our lifestyle due to huge drop in income.  dh's father died when he was 20 - so, similar.  (and neither of our mother's could handle money to save their lives - let alone their minor children's.)  I pushed my girls for education as well as my boys.  both are completely independent, and doing something they love - that they can support a family on.  

 

I think I finally got  this concept through to dudeling.  (aspie) - he seemed to think he'll live in my basement for the rest of his life, so school doesn't matter.  or that he'll make money on youtube.  (i've no idea where he comes up with these ideas.)   

 

 

My 18yo lives primarily with his father, goes to college, and finally is back to working part time.  Maybe we're nuts, but we still just basically give him whatever he needs.  It's probably an atypical situation, though.  He's not a very social being, still doesn't have his driver's license, and there is no public transportation.

 

I have been thinking about how I want to change things in the fall.  This particular child is not especially financially literate, despite my best efforts.  (I can only combat so much from another household.)    I do think we need to move to an allowance-with-strings system, not as a general principle thing, but because that's what this specific child probably needs.

 

My other two (minor) teens have a much better grasp on budgeting and long-term thinking.

 

some kids do take longer - and more creativity.  :glare:   when ds graduated high school - he had a ccna (he let it lapse :toetap05: ), had been working towards a ccnp . . and was making really good money. (for an 18yo- there are college degrees that don't average that much)  I wanted to scream the way he'd undermine things - and absolutely blow money.  it was nightmares of mil (compulsive spender) all over again.  in and out of college, changing degrees, utterly crappy grades . .  sitting in the basement wanting to play computer games.  :glare:  :glare:  he finally did get through that phase (which took a lot of patience on our part.) . . . now, he is totally self-directed, working towards a good degree, works part-time, freaks out when he's made school payments and his bank account gets low, gets mad when he gets a b+,   

there were days I despaired for this kid.  :svengo:

so - there is hope.

[gardenmom5]

Gently saying this:

 

It sounds as if you need to allow your son to be more responsible.. The first step I'd take is to not allow dis paycheck to be in your account after a certain date. Help him get the needed documents to apply for a new id. Plan the day that it needs to be done and then drop him off at the dmv or wherever to get a new one.  . . . . . Having a valid Id is important. Buy him a pass for the transport in monthly allotments and help him learn how to budget it's use. It's usually cheaper this way. then move to giving $ for the pass and he has to buy it himself. I have to admit the breakfast and lunch is confusing to me. Why is money being given instead of simply providing groceries at home? I think if you start doing some of these things, then he'll start to understand how money works and that it's usually a finite supply.

 

some even need to be willing to "hold his hand" - but only for backup so he can do it.  I had one.  . . for his first quarter of college, he needed me as back-up.  then he could do it himself.   but he did the talking and finding.

 

2nd on the ID. . . . I don't understand how he can get a job without one.   there are kids whose parents deliberately don't get them to where they can get an ID - and they can't get a job, let alone register for college classes.  they need to have ID on them at all times.  I worked to drill that into my kids from the day they got their driver's licenses.

[Scarlett]

He isn't actually adult yet it seems even though 18. :). No judgment just observation. I knew if I were you I would focus on helping him to handle his own paycheck though it is small. My son is 17 and also wants me to handle it but I have been making him do it for a few months now.

 

As far as the amount you should expect your son to contribute.....I think much of that depends on your own means. If you are struggling to support him he needs to get more hours and help more. My ds17 is required to put half his pay check in savings and I am continuing to pay for all necessities....fuel ( I had a big discussion here a while back about how much of his fuel I should pay) haircuts, dry leaning, car parts, food here at the house and out to eat IF he is with us ( which is like never). Anything related to his education....

 

He is responsible for his own recreation....eating out, movies, video games....gifts for his friends....and all of that adds up. If I was having trouble supporting him....which I might when his cs ends next June, I will ask him to contribute more.

[Spryte]

I have boys, too.  One now 25, one only 13.  They do lose things like IDs, but honestly - I think that needs to be addressed, and quickly, each time it's lost.  

 

Kids and adults should carry id at all times - this is a safety issue.  If there's an accident, how else will people know who he is?  How to contact you?  This is a habit he needs to form now, so that as an adult he will automatically take his wallet when he goes out.   Once he's old enough to have an ID, it needs to be on him.  Always.  Even our six year old has an ID, though she doesn't carry it all the time.  And the 13 year old - absolutely, it's on him every day, every time we go out.  We are working on that habit, because he'll have to have that particular habit forever.

 

So, I think I'd make that my first priority for him: get that ID replaced and reinforce the notion that IDs are not optional.

 

Second, as soon as that ID is replaced, he'd be opening a checking account.  I'd drive him to the bank and sit there while he did it, or help him do it online.  He'd deposit every check into his own account.  I would not do it for him, but he could use an app for a check or go to the bank and deposit through the ATM, whatever works, but I'd have him physically do it.  My kids all have savings accounts, and before they start working there's a checking account opened.  DS wasn't working at 15, but that's about the age we opened a checking account.  Maybe 16 at the latest.  Kids need access to their money to learn to be responsible.

 

Any extra money - allowance, etc - from us would be given separately, and he can deposit into his account. I wouldn't deposit it in his account myself, because you want him to know that money doesn't magically appear in his account, and physically depositing the check or cash will make it more real to him.  It will also make it more real to him that it's from you, and is a gift.

 

And, finally, when he next loses the ID, I'd have him pay for the replacement cost out of his checking account (I know he needs money, more money than he's making, and I'd still give an allowance, but I would want him to feel the cost of that ID replacement, so he starts to prioritize an ID).

 

Those are just my thoughts, and how we did it with our now adult son.  I'm sure there are many other ways to handle it.  Good luck!

 

[marbel]

I understand the "work in progress" older teen/young adult.   I have one of those and it can be a slow process.   And with both we have always made incremental changes.  

 

There have always been certain things they had to pay for on their own:  makeup and "special" skin and hair care stuff for my girl; computer/xbox games for my boy.  Other than gifts, I've never bought those things.  My daughter used to earn money babysitting and my son doing yard work to pay for those.

 

Then, they got part-time jobs.  So their expenses increased.  Now, other than the very basic needs, they buy their own clothes. My son (who has his license and shares a car with me) is going to help with the cost of purchasing and insuring a third car for the family.  He paid half for a computer for school (just a chromebook; it's all he has needed).   They pay for their recreation unless it's a family thing we are all doing together.  They don't buy their own groceries but if there is something they want and I don't feel like buying it (gum, other special treats) they pay for it.  My daughter needed a new phone and wanted something more expensive than we were willing to pay, so she paid the difference.  Sometimes they will treat me to a coffee when we're out, just as I used to treat them.  

 

Mostly we want them to save so when they are out at college (both are doing community college for their first two years) they will have some money.  

 

They've had their own bank accounts for a while - just savings accounts - and have a debit card for making withdrawals. Both are looking into student credit cards so they can do more purchasing.  I'm not a fan of buying with a debit card and lest anyone is worried about credit card debt - they have had it drilled into them for years that they must never spend more than they can pay back when the bill comes.   They do need to open checking accounts at some point soon too.  So far they have  never needed a check for anything.

 

Having separate money has helped my kids see the impact of spending and saving.  With your son, I would put a priority on the ID and getting him his own bank account.  Then see how much is going in, how much he needs for his needs (not wants) and that will help you see how you will contribute.  

 

 

 

Edited May 27, 2017 by marbel

[solascriptura]

I have boys, too. One now 25, one only 13. They do lose things like IDs, but honestly - I think that needs to be addressed, and quickly, each time it's lost.

 

Kids and adults should carry id at all times - this is a safety issue. If there's an accident, how else will people know who he is? How to contact you? This is a habit he needs to form now, so that as an adult he will automatically take his wallet when he goes out. Once he's old enough to have an ID, it needs to be on him. Always. Even our six year old has an ID, though she doesn't carry it all the time. And the 13 year old - absolutely, it's on him every day, every time we go out. We are working on that habit, because he'll have to have that particular habit forever.

 

So, I think I'd make that my first priority for him: get that ID replaced and reinforce the notion that IDs are not optional.

 

Second, as soon as that ID is replaced, he'd be opening a checking account. I'd drive him to the bank and sit there while he did it, or help him do it online. He'd deposit every check into his own account. I would not do it for him, but he could use an app for a check or go to the bank and deposit through the ATM, whatever works, but I'd have him physically do it. My kids all have savings accounts, and before they start working there's a checking account opened. DS wasn't working at 15, but that's about the age we opened a checking account. Maybe 16 at the latest. Kids need access to their money to learn to be responsible.

 

Any extra money - allowance, etc - from us would be given separately, and he can deposit into his account. I wouldn't deposit it in his account myself, because you want him to know that money doesn't magically appear in his account, and physically depositing the check or cash will make it more real to him. It will also make it more real to him that it's from you, and is a gift.

 

And, finally, when he next loses the ID, I'd have him pay for the replacement cost out of his checking account (I know he needs money, more money than he's making, and I'd still give an allowance, but I would want him to feel the cost of that ID replacement, so he starts to prioritize an ID).

 

Those are just my thoughts, and how we did it with our now adult son. I'm sure there are many other ways to handle it. Good luck!

I apologize for going off topic, but why would a six year old or a 13 year old need an ID? It's never occurred to me.

[Reefgazer]

Treat it as an allowance and decide what non-essential items he is responsible for funding on his own (concert tix, dating expenses, non-essential clothing).

[Jean in Newcastle]

I apologize for going off topic, but why would a six year old or a 13 year old need an ID? It's never occurred to me.

 

My 13 year old (at the time) needed an i.d. for volunteering and participation in some activities at the Y. 

[Artichoke]

I apologize for going off topic, but why would a six year old or a 13 year old need an ID? It's never occurred to me.

 

 

Our preteen needed a photo id for testing.  He also carried it because of daytime curfew/truancy laws.   Our youngest wanted an id when older brother got his and used it for years to do her banking ( deposits and cashing b'day checks) , although it wasn't necessary.  She just liked being "grown-up".   We did have her carry it along with our contact info whenever we traveled.  

[Daria]

some even need to be willing to "hold his hand" - but only for backup so he can do it.  I had one.  . . for his first quarter of college, he needed me as back-up.  then he could do it himself.   but he did the talking and finding.

 

2nd on the ID. . . . I don't understand how he can get a job without one.   there are kids whose parents deliberately don't get them to where they can get an ID - and they can't get a job, let alone register for college classes.  they need to have ID on them at all times.  I worked to drill that into my kids from the day they got their driver's licenses.

 

He had an ID, but he lost it in the days leading up to interview, and then things went super fast.  He was at the gym, where he's a member, the supervisor approached him and said "we've got an opening", and within a few days he was hired and filling out paperwork.  There wasn't time in the couple days between realizing he didn't have ID, and when he had to give them the number for direct deposit, to get a new ID (they mail then here and it takes 2 weeks from when you go in for the new one to show up), and to open a bank account, especially since I would have had to take leave to go to the bank with him since he was a minor.  So he gave them my bank account number.

 

Since then he replaced the ID, and lost it again.  He's definitely a work in progress.  We're working on ID number 3. 

 

In our state, if you're under 18, which he was when he filled out the paperwork for the job, you can fill out the paperwork with a student ID (which he has), and a a social security card which is why it wasn't an issue for the actual job. 

[Daria]

Why is money being given instead of simply providing groceries at home? I think if you start doing some of these things, then he'll start to understand how money works and that it's usually a finite supply.

 

I work long hours, and I try and prioritize our time together for homeschooling. I also generally only eat dinner at home, because of work hours.  So, handing the grocery shopping over to him has worked well.  I purchase what I want to cook for dinner (without a car, a week's worth of dinner stuff is all I can carry home), but I give him money and send him to store to choose his own stuff for breakfast and lunch.  But I don't say "Here's $100 for food, bring me change."  I say "Here's $150, remember you need groceries and a haircut, and I added some extra because your shoes are falling apart," and he allocates it as he sees fit.  If he wants to eat PB & J or rice and beans and go to the movies he can.  Or he can splurge on some grocery store sushi (his favorite) and convince his friends to go hiking instead.   He can buy brand name shoes, or go to the thrift store.

 

He gets how money works.  If anything, he's too frugal.  He'll constantly tell me "Oh, I decided to walk home from X (3 miles away) to save the $2 bus fare", and he makes good choices with the grocery money.  

 

I guess my question is that he knows in theory that working leads to more money, but right now working hasn't lead to him having more money, which doesn't seem fair and doesn't incentivize working.  So, I'm trying to figure out how to make it so that he's contributing a little more to things I'd been providing money for before, and also seeing some benefit from his job.  

 

In the fall, if he's working 2 jobs, this will change again.

[Bluegoat]

I would be looking to have him manage his own money at this point.  So, something like a standard stipend from you, weekly or monthly, plus what he earns, to go in to his own account.  Then he can manage what he needs to spend on what, and gains the benefits of extra work or better planning.

[Spryte]

I apologize for going off topic, but why would a six year old or a 13 year old need an ID? It's never occurred to me.

Travel. Flights. Getting separated from us somehow, while on travel.

 

But - more than that, mostly for the 13 year old, he is gaining independence and isn't with us every moment of every day. If something happens to him when he's out bike riding or in the neighborhood, I want him to have ID so he's identifiable, and so I can be notified. This is something my father insisted on from the time I was 12 or so, said it's ingrained in me to always have ID. It's also habit-forming. If a child has never formed the habit of always carrying ID, it's harder to start at 18, or the age of the OP's son, and not lose IDs. OP's son is old enough to keep track of an ID long enough to open a bank account, but it's been a learning curve. Forming the habit earlier makes sense.

 

I may have to think about this more than many because my DS (13) has LTFAs and has to carry epinephrine - it is not inconceivable that he will need help at some point, with his history of anaphylaxis. So he carries ID and info in his epipen pack along with on his medic alert bracelet.

 

The six year old has a Road ID like bikers use on her shoes. :)

[Carol in Cal.]

I look at high school as a time that I contribute and don't expect anything back.

So when DD was in high school we figured out how much her school lunches would cost, and gave her an amount that was a bit higher than that per month.  The rule was that we provided groceries at home, at all times, and if she didn't buy lunch at school, she could keep the money and use it for whatever she wanted.  We got her a bus pass, and we paid for most of her clothes, but she was not a clothes horse--we would have put a limit on that if she had had really expensive tastes.  When she worked, she could use that money for whatever she wanted, but we had already taught her to apportion her funds between spending, saving, and generosity, and so that was already entrenched.  We had always had a credit union account for her--free because she was a minor--and so it was where her earned money went automatically.  

 

In college we set up her dorm apartment, modestly but niceish, paid for her books, transportation, groceries, and tuition/dorm, but expected her to contribute maximum Stafford loan amounts annually toward all of this.  She also got some scholarship help.  When she needed grocery or book money, she would let me know and I would transfer it into her credit union account, which she had an ATM card for.  When she was home for the summer she worked and saved her money and paid some toward the Stafford loans--she could have paid more but chose to spend some on entertainment, and we didn't argue about this as long as she was working/studying/houseworking essentially full time.  She can always come and live with us as a fall back, but she wants to be independent, and she has the tools to get there.  

 

If she did come home to live with us longterm, I would expect her to contribute somehow unless she was going to school full time.  Contributions could be housework/yardwork, or a little money from employment, or a combo.  Of course, if she was sick or something, this would all change.  And if she was just here for a few months in between jobs or something, I wouldn't expect much except general pitching in, because I always want to be hospitable, especially toward family.  And I want her to have a fallback that she can absolutely depend on.

Edited May 27, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[madteaparty]

I don't know but why is he paying for his own food?

[Scarlett]

I don't know but why is he paying for his own food?

I think she said she gives him mo ey to buy his own food.

[Χά�ων]

High schooler I would help with almost everything. College. Slightly less, but still almost everything. Ie, if they can live at home, I will not pay for a dorm or apartment.

 

I have a completely different view for young adults who refuse to go to college or get a full time job and refuse to help out around the house.