Tap Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 (edited) ++Per board rules....I don't want marriage advice, just book or counselor advice please. ++ Dh and I have been headed steadily for divorce for many years now. We have been together since we were 18yo, and have been married 23 years. We have never been the type to fight and still get along ok. For the past several years, we have lived together as amicable roommates. I didn't want to split up our family until dd18 graduated high school and we are at that point now. He has always refused to talk about his feelings and completely shuts down anytime an uncomfortable situation is brought up. Due to this, over the years, I stopped trying to talk to him and to repair little things along the way. A switch was flipped this week and he has finally started talking. He and I have finally, talked very bluntly about our marriage and I feel there was finally some honesty and openness that could be pivotal for a reconciliation. I just don't know if I want to go down that path and open up old wounds again. A week ago, I was ready to sign papers and to happily walk away. Now I am wondering 'what if". I work outside the home and we have way more assets than debt, so we can split and survive financially. I need some help thinking things through. Either a book or counselor to help me flush out my feelings and see parts of this that I can't right now. I was looking for counselors (for myself) on my insurance web site last night, but feel like I would be blindly picking one. I try looking at their personal websites but still feel uneasy. I have years of experience with counseling for my daughters, but never for myself. It is odd that it is harder to find someone for myself, than them. LOL I have one friend who went to a marriage counselor and will ask her if she has a recommendation, but other than her, I don't have anyone to ask. A book would be good also, just so I can think about things at convenient times vs. appointment times. I do not want a book that tells me to pray and what Gods will is. Slight religious leanings are fine, but I don't want it to be the tone of the entire book. Any suggestions for a book to help me think things through... or how to pick a counselor for myself? Another book recommendation I would like, is one to to work though with my husband if we decide to stay together. We will need some guided help to repair our marriage, but since he is so shy about his feelings I don't think he will be as open to talking, if another person is in the room. (I am on the Washington side of the boarder outside Portland Or, if you have any specific people recommendations.) Edited February 1, 2017 by Tap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I think with therapists you just have to start trying and be prepared to switch. I know many therapists that haven't been a good fit for me lol 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quark Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 (edited) . Edited January 31, 2017 by quark 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Book recommendations if you decide to stay together: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (my DH recommends this book to his guys at work) Both parties need to read it. The Five Love Languages I can't help with counselor suggestions or how to negotiate a split. I'm sure others with experience can help with that. :grouphug: :grouphug: I wish you peace with whatever decision you make. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 We saw a counselor in the Portland area that was really amazing, but he is $300 a session. Our church paid for it because we were very important to that church and they didn't want us to split up, lol. He was a pastor, but his counseling was not religious at all. I am trying to remember his last name. I remember how good he was at getting to the real issue by drawing charts on a huge white board in his office. We had two sessions with him that were probably enough right there because he helps put everything in perspective so that you have fresh compassion for the other person. Its been seven years since we had ten sessions with him and we are better than ever. If you are willing to go to Portland I can probably get his last name. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 You must be a mess of emotions right now! I have nothing to offer except that I'll pray for wisdom for you both! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I think with therapists you just have to start trying and be prepared to switch. I know many therapists that haven't been a good fit for me lol This is what I did, too. Somehow, I just 'knew' when I'd found the right one. No books. Never found them helpful. Sorry. And, Tap, I was just thinking of you the other day. This is wonderful news for you and your dh. I hope it works out. :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbotoast Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 (edited) You could try something by the Gottman's. I haven't read any of their books but I have gained a lot from their website. Www.gottman.com Eta: :grouphug: Edited January 31, 2017 by melbotoast 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Call your family physician. They probably know several. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
egao_gakari Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 You could try something by the Gottman's. I haven't read any of their books but I have gained a lot from their website. Www.gottman.com Eta: :grouphug: Yep, I was going to recommend Gottman's The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. I find myself using principles from it all the time. I don't think Hubby ever bothered to read it, but he went along with it when I wanted to do the exercises from it together, and he got a lot out of the exercises even without reading the book. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: for what must be a very complicated set of emotions. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 When I saw a counselor, I asked my physician who she would recommend for me. She gave me a few names, suggested one as a good fit and it was. Also, psychologytoday.com is a great resource! Counselors have their biography and which insurances they take up on there. DH gets a good number of referrals from it too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Wow, I wonder triggered the change in him but I am glad something did and you guys may get another chance at a better marriage. You have already received book rec's - haven't read all of them but "Boundaries in Marriage" may also be helpful. Written by Christian psychologists (with doctorates) but not preachy. They are definitely not the kind who say "pray" and all will be well. I definitely think you are right in seeking counseling. I would check out several websites of counselors in practice in your area. Something they say on their site could speak to you. But also be prepared to re-evaluate how it's going after the 3rd or 4th session. If neither of you feel there is a rapport, you may have to change. Don't be shy or afraid. This is the same as finding the right doctor for an illness. New Life Live will refer you to a counselor in your area if you want to go this route: http://newlife.com/counselors/. These are typically vetted through their system, licensed, have certain specializations etc., but they are typically Christian. Most will not cram bible verses down your throat and are fine with counseling on a secular basis if the client desires it, however the recommendation to evaluate after a few sessions remains valid in all situations. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Our therapist recommended this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0011UGLQK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 As for finding a good therapist, trial and error is the only thing that works well for us. Maybe you and your husband could agree to set up appointments with 3 different therapists and then discuss which if any of them is a good fit? My own Dh responds better to male therapists. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I also highly recommend this book for relationships in general: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1626564310/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1485886876&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=the+anatomy+of+peace&dpPl=1&dpID=41lgMx-kqiL&ref=plSrch 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 A family member found this book very helpful when working toward reconciliation within his marriage: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1573459194/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 Best wishes to you and your husband!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ealp2009 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I was going to recommend anything by John Gottman too. Everything is evidence and research based. Take a look at his website. I'm sure his books are at your library and many of them are available in audiobook as well. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 The Gottmans. My dh read this and found it interesting and helpful. He was the one who told ME about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 The Gottmans have books but also train marriage therapists. It's likely that there's a Gottman trained therapist in your area. My husband and I have benefited greatly from attending two marriage workshops with them but they are based in our city and I am not sure if they have workshops in other states very often. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 If you have another type of therapist you really like, ask them for recs. And Gottman for resources. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndOfOrdinary Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Enneagrams and Myers-Briggs can help as well. Any ideas that allow you to be able to place the other person's thoughts/feelings/actions in context I find helpful. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Yes, putting things in context makes them no longer hurtful and personal so that you can take ownership of your own bad behavior and let go of hurtful things the other person has done. Without that ability it is impossible to move forward, IMO. The marriage counselor that we saw years ago diagrammed our family patterns from generations on a big whiteboard and and right away we were seeing that some of our behavior was learned, and not meant to hurt the other person. That helps the kindness quotient right there. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndOfOrdinary Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 (edited) It sounds like you have waited until your husband was ready. This is highly commendable. I would make sure he is actually ready to come to the table about the marriage. In my life, when husband and I saw a counselor it was extremely hurtful. Dh thought, and I really believe wanted, to be ready to work on things, but he wasn't. Everything was great in the office, but when it came right down to doing the work at home he attacked my vulnerability. He wasn't ready. All that to say, I would not jump right in to a counselor until both of you are committed to the messy process of making it work. Some counselors also do a thing where each person comes in separately, then two sessions together. That would have been extremely beneficial for us. I could have voiced my feelings of being attacked and it could have been worked on without Dh feeling threatened. ETA: I have found that personal therapy has helped me a lot. I do not know if I can say it has directly helped our marriage (I have gained a lot more confidence and I don't think Dh necessarily likes that), but I can now step back and see a situation before being completely all in emotionally. Because when you are completely emotionally caught up, you make the best decisions! Edited February 1, 2017 by EndOfOrdinary 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Tap, I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to send you some hugs and say I hope everything works out in the best way possible for you -- no matter what your final decision on the marriage turns out to be. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I've heard good things about CBT in this regard. The theory is that you don't have to delve through your whole head and heart, mostly you have to start treating each other better, in specific ways that they suggest so you can practice them, and then you add another one, etc. And before long you're happy. (That's a summary, and it's of what I've heard--I've never done this myself, but it sounds appealing.) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 It sounds like you have waited until your husband was ready. This is highly commendable. I would make sure he is actually ready to come to the table about the marriage. In my life, when husband and I saw a counselor it was extremely hurtful. Dh thought, and I really believe wanted, to be ready to work on things, but he wasn't. Everything was great in the office, but when it came right down to doing the work at home he attacked my vulnerability. He wasn't ready. All that to say, I would not jump right in to a counselor until both of you are committed to the messy process of making it work. Some counselors also do a thing where each person comes in separately, then two sessions together. That would have been extremely beneficial for us. I could have voiced my feelings of being attacked and it could have been worked on without Dh feeling threatened. ETA: I have found that personal therapy has helped me a lot. I do not know if I can say it has directly helped our marriage (I have gained a lot more confidence and I don't think Dh necessarily likes that), but I can now step back and see a situation before being completely all in emotionally. Because when you are completely emotionally caught up, you make the best decisions! This is a good point. It's possible DH needs some personal therapy first. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooCow Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I asked my primary care physician and he gave me a couple of names off the list I printed out from my insurance website. Also, I tend to pre judge therapists by their staff. If I'm finally calling for help for myself, the last thing I want to deal with is witchy staff who keep putting me on hold. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I think you've been given plenty of great recommendations above, but for your husband I might consider No More Mr Nice Guy. It's controversial and off putting in a few places, but it basically addresses the problem with men who pretend to be nice but actually never talk about their feelings or what they want and the way that tends to create passive-aggressive behavior and manipulations that are anything but nice, because men like this tend to have trouble with boundaries. I don't know if that applies exactly, but I think you'll know if you read the reviews. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I really got a lot out of the marriage builders books, and most of the big ideas are on the website. I didn't agee with everything, but the concept of the love bank, and making deposits/withdrawals made a ton of sense to me. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 There's a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" I'd also recommend anything by John Gottman. You may have a Gottman therapist in your area, too. I also think the 5 Love Languages book (or even free quiz) can be enlightening. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 (edited) John Gottman books I just linked one books but there are more. Edited February 1, 2017 by Mom-ninja. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 :grouphug: For individual therapy, I really think one needs to be prepared to switch if a therapist isn't a good fit. I've had good and just ok. The best therapist I worked with was recommended by a friend. Yep, I was going to recommend Gottman's The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. I find myself using principles from it all the time. I don't think Hubby ever bothered to read it, but he went along with it when I wanted to do the exercises from it together, and he got a lot out of the exercises even without reading the book....... This is the book I was going to recommend as well. Gottman's stuff is the best I know of if you decide to try to work on the marriage, and this book anyway has doable and helpful exercises to complete. My husband, also, just did the those without reading the book. It helped us. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnificent_baby Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 If were trying to choose a therapist, I would either meet with them first (or call if they would allow) and try to get a feel for their typical strategy. The last one we tried did absolutely nothing for us. We had one assignment to work on in the 6 or 7 times we went. He sat and listened and offered zero help, other than directing us to a book on our last visit (it may have been a Gottman book, I don't recall). It was a total waste of time and left us both really frustrated. A previous one talked so over our heads and had such scattered thoughts we left there more confused than when we walked in. I would also ask around to your trusted friends for recommendations. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I have been listening to podcasts on Shrink Rap Radio hosted by Dave Van Nuys, Ph.D. His interviews cover many topics in psychology, including psychotherapy. It has given me much to think about re therapy, especially since of the nearly 10 therapists I have seen in the past 35 years, not one has ever talked about the therapy process itself, and I have spent countless hours participating in completely ineffectual therapy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalmia Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I heard this idea once that appealed to me, though I have not tried it. It was not from a marriage expert, but from either a frugality or a successful habits type author and I think the idea was to prevent problems in the marriage rather than fix them, but it seems like it could help repair smaller problems. The idea was to keep a notebook in which you wrote down good things you noticed about your spouse every day. It didn't have to be anything monumental. It could be stuff like "He looks great in his blue shirt" or "He brought in the groceries without being asked" or "He spoke so kindly to the elderly man next door" or "He saved a moth from drowning in the pool". The point was to refocus your lens on the everyday positives. Anyway, it is free and easy and might help you rediscover some affection for one another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aura Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 A few months ago, my dh & I started marriage counselling. "Finding a counselor who fits for you" was not so much the problem as finding one that had availability! By the time I got to wanting therapy, I was ready for it THEN, not two months down the road. Then, once we did find a counselor, the first couple of sessions I found rather frustrating because I was ready to dive into some issues, but we needed a couple of sessions just so the counselor could really get a grasp of the issues. I say all that to let you know that I've found it worthwhile, but it takes a while, too! Personally, I have found the most help for my marriage in learning about ME. With that in mind, I just finished reading a book that I loved and found very helpful, if that's where you are. Untame Yourself (I personally found the cover image a little off-putting, btw, but the book itself was great.) I also second the recommendation for Boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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